Quotes and jokes!

[Antaletriangle]

Just thought a light hearted jokey quotey thread would lighten things up if anyone is feeling low at any point-just pop into here there maybe something that tickles yer fancy!!lol!:naughty::lol3::roll1::roftl:

Start off with some quotations first then let's see if anyone can find some decent,clean jocular stuff?Please add some humour folks.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence;
then success is sure.
Mark Twain


If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Dick Cavett


"You can't say that civilization don't advance,
for in every war they kill you in a new way."
Will Rogers



Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln




When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.
Japanese Proverb


Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow.
The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
Abraham Lincoln


Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast;
in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
Ovid




Books are the quietest and most constant of friends;
they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors,
and the most patient of teachers.
Charles W. Eliot


Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte



The glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used to acquire it.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld



In history as in human life, regret does not bring back a lost moment
and a thousand years will not recover something lost in a single hour.
Stefan Zweig


Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
Albert Camus


He who strikes the first blow admits he's lost the argument.
Chinese Proverb



Half of the American people have never read a newspaper.
Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.
Gore Vidal


Speak when you are angry - and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
Laurence J. Peter


Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
Dan Rather


"There is no way in which birds differ more from man than the way
they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before."
Robert Lynd



Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.



If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.
Lyndon B. Johnson


Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles.
It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.
Abigail Van Buren


To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
Oscar Wilde



The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
Doug Larson

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung


The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
It is never any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde



What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising?
Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public;
ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson


"If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years left to live." - Albert Einstein


"We abuse land because we regard it as a commodity belonging to us. When we see land as a commodity to which we belong, we may use it with love and respect." - Aldo Leopold


Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde


“What do I think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a very good idea.” - Mahatma Gandhi

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.” - Voltaire

"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” - VOLTAIRE


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

[Antaletriangle]

One repays a teacher badly if one remains nothing but a pupil.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)


Then there's this:
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

Louis Hector Berlioz


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


LEARNED THE HARD WAY - when you take a dog on a car ride, he loves to stick his head out the window, but if you blow in his face, he gets very mad at you.





TRYING TO GET HEALTHY - I tried jogging, but it made the ice jump right out of my martini and put my cigarette out.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is believed to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language

COMMON SENSE? - You can't trust dogs to watch your food.



Never start an argument with an idiot, for he will drag you down to his level and then beat you with experience.... Anon

Pardon? .... Vincent Van Gogh


If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost;
that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau


I'm The Best House Keeper in Holywood. Every time I get Divorced I keep the house.
Zaza Gabor (actress & HouseKeeper)


A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile
the moment a single man contemplates it,
bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery


'I never thought I was going to date an older man when I first met him. To me, it was different to hang out with someone with something to say that was so interesting and important and who was truly, incredibly intelligent. He's handsome and has so much charisma - and he's so funny. He's very normal and down to earth. He's an incredible man and I just love him' - 27-year-old Australian model Kristy Hinze reveals the attraction of her 63-year-old boyfriend Jim Clark. Who happened to found Netscape and is a billionaire.

[Soul Sequence]

Though I believe we are nearing close to some major changes occuring, I thought this was cute.

[371]

That cartoon remind me of one that I saw a while back (and was actually plagarized from Gary Larson's Far Side).

A Bigfoot, Creature from the Black Lagoon, and a Grey (w/ massive cranium) are sitting around a table playing cards when police bust in and raid the place. A cop asks: "OK- which one of you is the brains of the operation??" nyuk yuk yuk

[sfth13]

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
Carl Sagan
US astronomer & popularizer of astronomy (1934 - 1996)

[Soul Sequence]

LOL:mfr_lol:.....apologize to any Palin fans but I found this web page where you click on things on the image. Made me laugh, lots of things to click on. Some may find this amusing.:lol3::lmao:

http://www.palinaspresident.us/

[Chesmayne]

"We are all strong enough to bear the misfortunes of others"

"Because I could not stop for death
He kindly stopped for me,
In the carriage was just ourselves
and e-t-e-r-n-i-t-y".

"When your neighbour loses his job it is called a recession. When you lose your job it is called a depression"!

WIT.......


JOKER.......

02 Dagonet was KI Arthur’s jester who was made a knight as a joke.

03 Leprechaun (Irish/Oirish): indulges in jokes at mortals’ expense. He is often the guardian of a treasure.

04 Bible: Samson - practical joker. Judge. Became champion but fell to a woman’s wiles and went out in a blaze of glory.

05 Robin Hood, Wyatt Earp etc.

06 American Indian: Coyote, the great trickster.

07 Japan: the badger often plays the part of a jester.

08 Jean de la Fontaine (1621-1695): C’est double plaisir de tromper le trompeur. ‘It is double pleasing to trick the trickster’.

09 Harlequin: visible only to his faithful Columbine. His function is to dance through the world and frustrate all the knavish tricks of the clown.

11 In the folly of our acts we see our own foolishness. The humour of the ages - the cosmic joke is not just on ourselves but on everyone else - booby traps and all the humorous and whimsical things you encounter along life’s journey. If you cannot laugh and joke at yourself and your own crazy antics, you have lost the game. The purpose of joking and laughing is to see things from a new viewpoint.

01 Keen perception and cleverly apt expression of connections between ideas which may arouse pleasure and especially amusement - speech or writing showing such perception and expression - a person endowed with or noted for such wit - understanding, intelligence, or sagacity: wit enough to come in out of the rain - mental abilities, or powers of intelligent observation, keen perception, ingenious contrivance, etc - ‘to have one’s wits about him/her’ - mental faculties, or senses: ‘to lose or regain one’s wits’ - mental capacity; reason; intellect - a clever or learned person - ‘at one’s wits end’ (at the end of one’s powers of knowing, thinking etc - utterly at loss or perplexed. Five wits - the five senses, or the perception generally. ‘Live by one’s wits’ (to gain a livelihood by resourcefulness and quick-wittedness rather than by hard work). ‘Out of one’s wits’ (in or into a state of great fear) or incoherence: ‘to frighten someone out of his/her wits’ - drollery, facetiousness, repartee - wisdom. “When the wine is in, the wit it out”.

02 Witticism: a witty remark - a joke (modeled on criticism).

03 Paronomasia: wordplay of the punning kind, using similar sounding or identical sounding words with different meanings in close proximity to each other, for an effect of comedy, balance, or cleverness. Many of the myths of Dionysus reflect the trait of ‘losing the wits’ and of tearing or being torn apart.

04 Dinadan: knight of the Round Table. The only figure who has a genuine sense of humor and satirical talent. He wrote a lampoon against KI Mark and played pranks on the other knights.

05 Benjamin Franklin: “At 20 years of age, the will reigns; at 30, the wit; and at 40, the judgment”.

06 Alexander Pope: “True Wit is Nature to advantage dress’d, what oft was thought, but ne’er so well express’d”.

07 Hamlet: “Brevity is the soul of wit”.

08 Henry IV Part-2: “I am not only witty in myself, but the cause of that wit is in other men”.

09 Figaro: a type of daring, cunning and witty roguery and intrigue.

10 Attic salt: elegant and delicate wit (sparkling thought, well expressed). “Here lies a KI, that ruled as he thought fit – the universal monarchy of wit”.


HUMOUR.......

The quality of being funny: ‘the humor of the situation’ - the faculty of perceiving what is amusing or comical: sense of humor - the faculty of expressing the amusing or comical - speech or writing showing this faculty - mental disposition or tendency - frame of mind - capricious or freakish inclination - whim or caprice - odd traits - cardinal humors (regarded as determining, by their relative proportions in the system, a person’s physical and mental constitution). Out of humor (displeased or dissatisfied, cross) - to comply with the humor of - indulge - to humor a child - to accommodate oneself to. Humor, wit are contrasting terms which agree in referring to an ability to express a sense of the clever or amusing. Humor consists in the bringing together of certain incongruities which arise naturally from situations or character, frequently so as to illustrate some fundamental absurdity in human nature or conduct; it is a more kindly trait than wit - ‘a genial and mellow type of humor’. Wit is a purely intellectual, often spontaneous, manifestation of cleverness and quickness of apprehension in discovering analogies between things really unlike, and expressing them in brief, diverting, and sometimes sharp observations or remarks: humor produces a smile, but wit produces sudden laughter - temperament, mood. Humor, Gratify, Indulge - imply attempting to satisfy the wishes or whims of oneself or others. To humor is to comply with the mood, fancy, or, caprice of another, as in order to satisfy, soothe, or manage: to humor an invalid, a child. To ‘gratify’ is to please by satisfying the likings or desires: to gratify someone by praising him/her. ‘Indulge’ suggests a yielding to wishes by way of favor or complaisance, and may imply a habitual or excessive yielding to whims: to indulge an unreasonable demand, to indulge an irresponsible son. Isaac: means ‘one laughs’ (Abraham laughed at the idea of Sarah bearing a child, but Sarah had the last laugh). “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else”.

[Lotus]

:eyes: loved the Palin page...


"They're saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I'm a conspiracy nut. So I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, 'Vote for Grandpa.'" --David Letterman

[Lotus]

"In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut." --Jay Leno

[Brinty]

I thought I'd found a thread I could relate to where I could tell loads of jokes. Then I saw the words "decent" and "clean". Oh well, such is life :emot-sad:

[Dantheman62]

CAR AIR CONDITIONERS - The real story of how they came
to be.

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97
degrees. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's
office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that
3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in
the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was
curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their
car.They persuaded him to get into the car which was about
130 degrees - turned on the air conditioner and cooled the
car off immediately. The old man got very excited and
invited them back to the office, where he offered them

$3
million for the patent.The brothers refused, saying they
would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition
by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,"
on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.Now
old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and
there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name
on 2 million Fords.They haggled back and forth for about 2
hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their
first names would be shown.And so to this day, all Ford air
conditioners show Norm, Hi and Max on the controls.
Now you know.

[Brinty]

A motorcycle cop :biker: saw a woman driver knitting while she was driving. He rode up alongside and pointing to the side of the road yelled, "Pull over."
She yelled back, "No, scarf." :original:

[Dantheman62]

A motorcycle cop :biker: saw a woman driver knitting while she was driving. He rode up alongside and pointing to the side of the road yelled, "Pull over."
She yelled back, "No, scarf." :original:
Oh man that's funny!!!!!

[Dantheman62]

BEAR REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof; then, I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

[Brinty]

An elderly woman driver was seen to be driving erratically and was pulled over by a cop who suspected she was drunk in charge. He asked if she had been drinking, she told him, "Yes, I've had two beers, three double bourbons and a four glasses of wine. He then asked to see her licence. "I don't have one." she replied,
Startled, the cop asked if it was her car, "No," she replied, "I shot the owner with my gun and took the car."
The cop was worried by her admission and radioed for urgent backup. "Where is the owner now," he asked. She replied, "I stuffed him in the boot."
Within two minutes three police cars arrived and the occupants leaped out with guns at the ready.
The superior officer spoke to the cop who told him that the woman had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot, stolen the car and that she didn't have a drivers licence and she had been drinking.

The senior officer walked cautiously up to the woman's window and asked her to open the trunk, which she did. There was no body in there. Looking at the cop who had pulled her up, he then said to the woman, "Where's your gun?" She replied , "I don't have a gun."
Looking at the cop again the officer then asked her, "Do you have a driver's licence?"
"Yes," said the woman and reached into her handbag. "Is this your car?" "Yes," replied the woman showing him the proof of ownership. Puzzled, the officer said, "This man told me that you told him this wasn't your car, you had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot and and that you had no driver's licence."
"Hmph! He probably told you I'd been drinking as well." :tongue2:

[Dantheman62]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[raulduke]

These are indeed troubled and desperate time we are living in.
I can provide the very wise and comforting answer to the ultimate question though:

The answer is 42.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aboZctrHfK8

Oh yeah, this is important too.

Don't Panic......and always bring a towel.

[Dantheman62]

Classic rd, and funny too!

[Swanny]

People will forget what you said ... ..
People will forget what you did ... ..
But people will never forget how you made them feel.....


An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an ar$ehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours*

[Dantheman62]

Great joke Swanny!

[Swanny]

I'm not paranoid......
I KNOW they are watching me :blink:


:original:

[Swanny]

Bought some Armageddon cheese today

On the packet it says

"Best before end."

:naughty:

[Brinty]

A postman has a large package to deliver to a home but as it won't fit in the letterbox, he decides to leave it on the doorstep. Just as he is putting it down a small dog comes flying around the corner, bites him on the hand then sits down and barring its teeth, growls most ferociously. The postman is now holding his hand close to his chest and wailing fit wake the dead. At this moment the door is flung open and a little old lady looks the postman up and down and says, "come on my good man - Meg's bark is worse than her bite, what's all the fuss about?"

The postman stops wailing and holding his injured hand out to her replies, "if that's a fact, I'm glad she didn't bark then!"

[Elephant Man]

Crossing Over
A monk on his journey home comes to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he ponders for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.

Just as he is to give up his journey, he sees a great teacher on the other side of the river. The monk yells over to the teacher, "Oh Master, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?"

The teacher ponders for a moment, looks up and down the river and yells back, "You are already on the other side."

***
:soccer_h4h:

[Elephant Man]

ok one more, then i'm outa here ...

Saving a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
:shocked:

[Antaletriangle]

Please don't take this in a racist way-it's an old tug o war with the English and the French-please take it light heartedly!

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England.'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'

[Antaletriangle]

The Ark 2008

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Could be true ?

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:

'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his garden, but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

http://www.cleanjoke.com/images/adult_dog.jpg
http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f363/ouspano/funny.jpg
__________________

[Antaletriangle]

Understanding Politics

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics
and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we
call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will
call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his
mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad,
I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is s******g the
Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The
People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.

[Antaletriangle]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and
got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The
bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a
salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a
bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
the other: "Does this taste funny to
you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green
Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones
Syndrome."
"Is it
common?"
"... Well, It's Not Unusual ...


The Castaway

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. About four months later, he is lying on the beach
one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he says. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that wasn't a problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There' s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bl...y hell, you haven't got Sky Sports as well?'

[capreycorn]

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get use to the idea.

Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988)


All this health and safety talk is just killing me.

Jeremy Clarkson


Children aren`t happy without something to ignore, and that`s what parents were created for.

Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971)


I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.

Sir Isaac Newton


The death of British forces in the Falklands War was roughly the same as it was on the roads in Britain over the same period. Which is the more wasteful, the less worthwhile? How much sense does that make?

Sandy Woodward


don`t drink and drive then:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIWB-Neyj-c

otherwise:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slOY4cSVfy8

[sleepingnomore]

With all the fear eminating from the Obama election I thought this would lighten the mood of all:

http://www.comedycentral.com/colbertreport/full-episodes/index.jhtml?episodeId=209851

[371]

"Politics is the world's second oldest profession, and it bears a striking resemblence to the first"- Ronald Reagan

[capreycorn]

the spirit of christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghIaSjzYVMQ

[capreycorn]

http://www.flippeh.de/funPics/toLazyToRename/leonidas%20in%20'08.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://www.flippeh.de/funPics/toLazyToRename/jew-jitsu.jpg

[KassandraLoves]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2097/2468760782_f2ce82ba4d_o.jpg

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2011/2098003847_7c50d53b55_o.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://lc.fdots.com/cc/lc/af/af85ae3008fb81c7c94b341e4de25262.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://kempcreations.com/images/SpritualWeightWatchers.jpg

[371]

http://www.projectavalon.net/forum/picture.php?albumid=193&pictureid=3166

[capreycorn]

http://www.dba-oracle.com/images/motivational_blogging.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://forum.omegageek.com.br/attachment.php?attachmentid=1093&stc=1&d=1217769443

[Orion Morris]

I hate all these know it alls... who think they know more than me!

[capreycorn]

http://images.javasigns.com/images/funny_license_plate_1.jpg

[capreycorn]

will the world be less fun without good ole george..?

http://www.wonkette.com/politics/bushprobe.jpg

[371]

http://www.projectavalon.net/forum/picture.php?albumid=193&pictureid=4492

[Antaletriangle]

Yeah,truly it's a strange ol' world! One for our Irish brothers and sisiters:


Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.



All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!



He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.



'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.



The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'



Immediately, there was the answer.



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.



As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,



'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.



There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'



With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.





The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............










You'll like this


























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[capreycorn]

CAN U SEE JESUS?

http://nynerd.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/can%20you%20see%20jesus.jpg

[Antaletriangle]

Yeah it's wild ain't it! a dog/cat's bottom also?!

[capreycorn]

CAN U SEE JESUS?

http://nynerd.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/can%20you%20see%20jesus.jpg

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/funny-pictures-crosslegged-cat.jpg

[Antaletriangle]

Pindar in full flow!
http://img113.imageshack.us/img113/945/unknown1cb0.jpg

The parrot


A young man named John received a parrot, named 'Chief', as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude and obnoxious.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe Imay have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,











'May I ask what the turkey did?'

[Brinty]

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist are discussing which is better: a wife or a mistress.
The physicist: "A mistress - you still have the freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: :"A wife - you have security"
The computer scientist: "Both - if I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my mistress. If I'm not with my mistress, she thinks I'm with my wife. That leaves me free to be with my computer without being disturbed by anyone.

[Antaletriangle]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, ' What gender is 'computer' ?
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
a male group and a female group, then asked them to decide for themselves
whether ' computer ' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' would definitely be
of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because ;
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval, and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

( AND IT GETS BETTER )

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because ;
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem, and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[Antaletriangle]

http://www.midlandsweather.org.uk/attachment.php?attachmentid=233&d=1192610652
2D world:
http://www.midlandsweather.org.uk/attachment.php?attachmentid=238&d=1192610773

[KassandraLoves]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3016/3011455084_b277f028be_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3246/3011455088_9b6abcdd39_o.jpg


http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3279/3011456830_b8cb804b3f_o.jpg

[Brinty]

A hospital posted a printed notice in the nurses' lounge saying, "Remember, the first five minutes of a human's life are the most dangerous!"
Underneath, was a handwritten addition, "The last five are pretty risky too!"

[Orion Morris]

Kassandra---- Those are f***in helarious!

Especially the KKK one... Ohh man that is what I needed to see just now...

[KassandraLoves]

Yeah, i know Ive posted a few already, but these are just GEMS. :lmfao:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3072/3011455072_afa4f6a590_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3226/3011455080_92d1fc7faa_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3155/3011455066_9a95167885_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3158/3011455086_f523d71904_o.jpg


:roll1:

LOVE!!!!

[Brinty]

The Agricultural College Principal was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?"
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming like my father."
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" said the impressed Principal.
"No," replied the student, "but he always dreamed of it."

[Antaletriangle]

Survival exercise
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.


Night falls...


First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.


Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.


Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.


"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".


So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.


The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a f****in' rabbit!"

[777 The Great Work]

Bought some Armageddon cheese today

On the packet it says

"Best before end."

:naughty:

Now thats funny :roll1::lmao::mfr_lol::lmao::naughty:

[Antaletriangle]

Hampshire police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus. Their planning however, didn't take into account the position of the exhaust pipe!!

http://www.midlandsweather.org.uk/attachment.php?attachmentid=276&d=1193425337

[777 The Great Work]

BARRY MANILOW REMIX :mfr_lol:

I remember all my life
Rainin' down as cold as ice
Shadows of a man
A face through a window
Cryin' in the night
The night goes into

Mornin', just another day
Happy people pass my way
Lookin' in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me, OBAMA

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, OBAMA
well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
and I need you today. OBAMA!

I'm standing on the edge of time
I've walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbin'
The tears are in my mind
And nothin' is rhyming, OBAMA

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, OBAMA
well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you today, OBAMA

Yesterday's a dream
I face the mornin'
Cryin' on a breeze
The pain is callin', OBAMA

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, OBAMA
Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you today, oh OBAMA

You came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, OBAMA
You kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you! :lmao: :naughty::mfr_lol:

[777 The Great Work]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3016/3011455084_b277f028be_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3246/3011455088_9b6abcdd39_o.jpg


http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3279/3011456830_b8cb804b3f_o.jpg

WTF :mfr_lol:

[Antaletriangle]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"
------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"
------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.


I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
" So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,
so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

[capreycorn]

http://www.toontowncentral.com/gallery/data/505/Mr_Bean.PNG
http://www.jokesduniya.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/monalisa_tour_2.jpg
http://www.kinderblick.net/Cartoons/Don_Martin/DonMartinMonaLisa.jpg
(after the streetparade)

[Antaletriangle]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"


I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other


"Does this taste funny to you?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.
------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "

The man replied "I know I've been ill"

------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day.


It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.


A strong currant pulled him in.

[capreycorn]

http://stuff4restaurants.com/blog2/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/bad-advertising.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a99/jcbstan/image017.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://fc08.deviantart.com/fs25/f/2008/035/3/7/A_Motivational_Poster_by_themightypinkstar.jpg

[Antaletriangle]

A man appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates:
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
:smoke:

[777 The Great Work]

http://freshimagehosting.com/images/f5vq35h1zwenr7jnyif.jpg (http://freshimagehosting.com/) :lmao: :mfr_lol:

[777 The Great Work]

ITs a 2000 mile long space ship


HOLD ON WAIT

http://freshimagehosting.com/images/janofy1dz80adbhh9kc.jpg (http://freshimagehosting.com/)

ItS COMMING :lmao: :mfr_lol: :lmfao::lmfao:

:roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1:

[Oneness]

Never did get these statues.... Whats up with that?!!

http://www.hogwild.net/images/europe/rome/marble-balls-statue.jpg

[Oneness]

And some how...this is .........Sexy?!!

http://adweek.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/burt.jpg

[777 The Great Work]

Never did get these statues.... Whats up with that?!!

http://www.hogwild.net/images/europe/rome/marble-balls-statue.jpg

Thats mind over matter:mfr_lol:

[KassandraLoves]

mmmmm....burt muhfuggin reynolds. Thats the hotness right thurr. Check THIS one out too!!!!

I mean, Who DOESNT love puppies hangin out on their naked man parts!?!!? :roll1:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3138/3010783155_012723b34b_o.jpg

[Antaletriangle]

The meeting of the ways.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The B5056 walks into a bar and orders a beer and sits down alone,ten minutes later the A34 walks in and the B road pretends he doesn't see him a little afraid of a large A road walking in.
After 10 mins the A road and B road are laughing and joking and all tensions are eased-The A34 goes to the bar gets a round in and they continue their joking.
10 mins. later the M6 walks in,two hard shoulders and everything falls silent,M6 orders a whiskey and after feeling a little lonely,notices the two roads sitting on the other side of the boozer trying to avoid him.
M6 sidles over and asks to join them,at first it's all a bit of a nervous silence scenario,then after a few mins the M6 cracks a joke and they all settle down to share jokes about road works and suchlike.
After getting the round in the M6 drops the beers on the table and they resume their social time together.
The next minute the door swings open and a red piece of tarmac walks in-the A and b roead are laughing their heads off whilst the M6 shouts out "Be quiet!!".
The A and B road haven't a clue why the M6 is so distressed-he's the big guy;no-one bother the M6?!
the M6 says "Don't look over at him,we don't want him over here with us!"
"Why do you say that M6?".
The M6 replies, "that guys nuts,he's a cycle path!"
Lol.
:tongue2:

[Oneness]

Well atleast it's a wee hair sexier than this guy...

Sweet Jesus.

http://www.antipope.org/feorag/blogpix/nipple.JPG

[Oneness]

People are so awesome! :mfr_lol: What would we do with out each other?

[Oneness]

Showin the Love....


http://www.all4humor.com/images/files/Ass%20Crack%20Fun.jpg

[Antaletriangle]

That's a great sense of humour!!Oneness.

[Oneness]

That's a great sense of humour!!Oneness.

Thanks Anta...

You have no idea! :mfr_lol: I guess I see the connection in all of us. One. ..and appreciate every single individual one of us. :)

[Oneness]

Earth changes....

http://www.neatorama.com/images/2006-05/positive-proof-global-warming-underwear.jpg

[Swanny]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v402/DennyRoberts/cid_image001.jpg

[Oneness]

Lol!

[Antaletriangle]

http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o139/mformby/Cartoons/562f.jpg

[Antaletriangle]

EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 --- and good information for future use for those who have not yet reached the half century mark.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can.


Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you
can hold this position for just a bit longer.


After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb.
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a
full minute. (I'm at this level)





After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[Antaletriangle]

Light Hearted

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who'd think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot. Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking spot, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking spot appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
JAMES BOND: MY HI TECHwatch can read your mind and tells me you aren't wearing panties.

woman: but i am wearing them

JAMES BOND: my watch is 15 minutes fast.


Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
__________________

[capreycorn]

http://www.grotto11.com/blog/images/Image.63723.1.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm1/ZorakXSlayer/Motivational%20Pictures/Easter.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f204/hedonisticpleasureseeker/animals/128341845642968750spartanstoni.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://biglizards.net/Graphics/ForegroundPix/PakistanProHitlerSign.jpg what do these pakistani women know about Hitler?!? just cosplay?

[capreycorn]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v670/smartie2742/Motivational%20Posters/funny.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://stix1972.typepad.com/stix_blog/images/liberals_poster.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Reincarnation.JPG

[capreycorn]

http://www.classicalvalues.com/Enol400.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://www.lies.com/wp/images/2007/01/bonkers.jpg
http://www.mimifroufrou.com/scentedsalamander/images/lynx-ad-wash-me.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee288/Kroger_143/MOTIVATIONAL%20POSTERS/b37338e1.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://www.lifelounge.com/resources/GALLIMAGE/Funny%20Motivational%20Posters%2021.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://www.motifake.com/motivational_posters/c7f74d413b.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://images.thesun.co.uk/picture/0,,2003450992,00.gif

[raulduke]

I really do need threads like this at times.:original:

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?”

[raulduke]

http://www.lies.com/wp/images/2007/01/bonkers.jpg




Hilarious. I love the Onion.

One of my old roommates had this clipping on his door for the entire semester, we all took to calling him "Gen. Bonkers".

I used to work at a pizza place where I tacked this up in the back.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news2292.jpg



"Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High" (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/everyone_involved_in_pizzas)

[capreycorn]

sister act uncut:
http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=jYq5JXOqyvg

undress in 7 seconds.
http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=wmxzAeBGrT4

pimp my ride..
http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=nF84FZyg-io

say no to dirt
http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=zaHtA89RHUQ

[capreycorn]

flamewars (not my thing)

http://fastblogit.com/media/flamewars_PeaceNick_1157120255.jpg

[rhythm]

4 more of the same go to social groups ,lighten up LOL ,
loads a LOL there .
keep the balance
hope to c u comics there
thanks rhythmm .

[raulduke]

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f@%k’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

[Oneness]

http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/fear-chihuahua-uhoh.jpg

[Oneness]

http://crazyprofile.com/pictures/images/cr17_tongtong.jpg

[RSF]

lol -- "FEAR", dunno? mayhaps FEARLESS?

---

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[capreycorn]

http://tusb.stanford.edu/bunnies002.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://www.stevetastic.com/POST/sesamesmall.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://www.members.shaw.ca/rlongpre01/moon_tiny.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/5220/admksfoqu5.gifhttp://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb218/commentsjunkie/animated/accmkfodsew.gifhttp://img177.imageshack.us/img177/2382/isdfjjfdwa3.gif
http://www.kimtwisted.com/imagehost/gif_animation_sexy_men.gifhttp://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z258/kaijughoul/hitler_GIF.gif
http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/cartoonBushHitler.gifhttp://www.countingcats.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/kitler.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://i102.piczo.com/view/4/3/r/k/4/a/a/g/w/x/1/l/img/i311248602_25831_5.gifhttp://fun.mafia.opole.pl/2005/pic/Funny-South%20Park-Teletubbies%20(picture).gif
http://mozey.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/noo_not_dog_poo_just_dog_toylet_resturant.gifhttp://i229.photobucket.com/albums/ee59/jstruan/PartyOnComrades.gif
http://www.vicissitude.net/Images/4Chan-AristoRlyAnimated.gif
http://www.monstropolis.org/CMS/upload/2008/08/29.jpg

[capreycorn]

don`t worry .. be nappy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oc0Dc2hA1HE

[Reunite]

Why are there only male pilots?







Cause they're in a cockpit not a box office

[capreycorn]

http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb107/screamer11/Message-05.jpg

[capreycorn]

fuehrer rap

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVpF4yr46Hk&feature=related

spongebob & goebbels
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53EFNcgT4Uk&feature=related

spongebob & mao
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HIavxnUHls&NR=1

sponge bush
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MJwEdbW0C4&feature=related

[Jacqui D]

509

[Antaletriangle]

The Ladybird Book of The Policeman...


http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html

[Antaletriangle]

Capreycorn i was just sliding down this thread fast i had some music on and hitler caught my eye booying away in rhythm to the music i was playing-quite funny!!

"Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them." Albert Einstein.

[capreycorn]

Capreycorn i was just sliding down this thread fast i had some music on and hitler caught my eye booying away in rhythm to the music i was playing-quite funny!!

"Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them." Albert Einstein.

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s4/karsmi123/f/funny2.gif

I found the ladybird book of the policeman real neat...


music makes the "world" go round..?
http://www.funmunch.com/funny_pictures/animated/pictures/funny_animated_pictures_35.gifhttp://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p75/katytipping/hilarious.jpg


http://www.funmunch.com/funny_pictures/animated/pictures/funny_animated_pictures_40.gifhttp://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s4/karsmi123/f/f1705.jpg

[Antaletriangle]

That dancin' fella-i do that when i'm at the bar waitin' fer me beer to be served!!!lol!

[Dantheman62]

Old fart Football
>
>
> An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
>
> When the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven
> Points.'
>
>
>
> His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was
> that?'
>
> The old man replied, 'It's fart football..'
>
>
>
> A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
> 'Touchdown, tie
>
> score.'
>
>
>
> After about five minutes the old man lets another one go
> and says,
>
> 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
>
> Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
>
> 'Touchdown, tie score.'
>
>
>
> Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and
> says,
>
> 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure
> is on the old man.
>
>
>
> He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real
> hard.
>
> Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
> everything he's got,
>
>
>
> And accidentally craps in the bed.
>
>
>
> The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
>
>
>
> The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

[Antaletriangle]

Yeah good one Dantheman!!

[Swanny]

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. !

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.


The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their bums.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[capreycorn]

swanny, that was:
http://hillmarketing.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/south-park-kick-ass-2-3700244.jpg:thumb_yello:

[Swanny]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[HOPEFUL]

...

[capreycorn]

THAT WAS JUST

http://www.yourspacenow.com/img/animated63.gif

HILARIOUS:thumb_yello:

[capreycorn]

KEY-ANUS` REEFEr

http://www.flabber.nl/img/nozzman.0147854.gif
http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20070814.gif

[Swanny]

Glad you enjoyed them :)

Heres another one



QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME ****, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[THE eXchanger]

BOB 'n GEORGE at DE BEACH

Bob loved to frequent the Newfoundland beaches,
but, he was never able to
attract the girls.

He decided to ask his french friend George,
the lifeguard, who also had plenty of good-lookin' gals around
for some of his good old fashioned advice.

George said:
"It iS dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son.
Dey're years outta style.
Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos
about two sizes too small,
and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm telling ye, man...
ye 'll have all de babes
ye wants" !!!

The following weekend,
Bob hits the beach with his spanking new two sizes too small
ultra-tight Speedo,
and his secretly hidden,
FiST-SiZED POTATOE !!!.

Everybody on the beach seemed to be disgusted
as he walked by, they were actually covering their faces,
turning away, laughing, and,
looking quite sick !!!

Bob went back to George, the lifeguard,
and, he asked him,
'Did NOT seem to work,
What's wrong now' ???

'Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!' said George,
as, he was laughing ...
'The "POTATOE"
iT GOES in DE FRONT !!!

[THE eXchanger]

eXtreme funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMMfgWhm3g

[Orion Morris]

good ones!

[Swanny]

Tesco's and MFI have merged.....
I just bought a chicken and the legs fell off

:naughty:

[Antaletriangle]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.






------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crime

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a joke you have probably heard before, it is awful and apologies in advance

Crime figures are on the increase, police are arresting more and more people......


Yesterday two people were arrested, one for drinking battery acid and one for eating gun powder...






















One was charged and the other was let off!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the Scottish crew!!

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around theworld.He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that hewould start by working his way across the USA from South to North.



On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
'$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for$10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan&NewZealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it..




The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone. He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered,there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line toHeaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call'.

http://img63.imageshack.us/img63/6130/learntoflyheresmallkr4.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://file004a.bebo.com/large/2006/01/29/19/16118422a240045167b618159630l.jpg
and the remedy:
http://a.bebo.com/app-image/6776831694/5315963826/PROFILE/sbst1w.static.zynga.com/stickerz/bebo/images/123/17/201083.jpg
no , this is the remedy
http://www.layout-code.com/myspace/funny-pictures/smokey.jpg
the philosopher`s stone says:
no dick is as hard as life.
http://www.s10planet.com/forum/image.php?u=6366&type=sigpic&dateline=1197126259
http://file034a.bebo.com/2/large/2007/06/29/06/19402765a4824149854l.gif
for economic crisis christmas:
http://file019a.bebo.com/13/original/2007/02/28/16/1904623131a3735177546b886132908o.gif
more bucks more bang
http://a.bebo.com/app-image/6542696016/6533091036/PROFILE/hype.esgut.com/~sali/bebo/stickers/images/stickers/sex_1.gif

[capreycorn]

http://a.bebo.com/app-image/6770551566/5315963826/PROFILE/sbst1w.static.zynga.com/stickerz/bebo/images/211/9/199123.gif

[capreycorn]

http://a.bebo.com/app-image/7472117927/5315963826/PROFILE/sbst1w.static.zynga.com/stickerz/bebo/images/53/12/396341.gif
http://jaysolomon.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/image021.jpg

[Antaletriangle]

Around the block, against the clock:
tick tock, tick tock, tick tock;
running out of breath, running out of socks;
rubber on the road; flippety flop;
non-skid agility; chop chop,
no time to hang about!
Work out, health fanatic, work out.

The crack of dawn, lifting weights;
a tell-tale heart reverberates;
high in polyunsaturates,
low in polysaturates;
a Duke of Edinburgh's award awaits.
It's a man's life;
he's a health fanatic; so was his wife.

A one-man war against decay.
Enjoys himself the hard way;
allows himself a Mars a day.
"How old am I? What do I weigh?
Punch me there! Does it hurt? No way!"
Running on the spot, don't get too hot;
he's a health fanatic, that's why not.

Peanut power; stay ahead,
running through the traffic jam taking in the lead.
Hyperactivity keeps him out of bed.
Deep down he'd like to kick it in the head.
They'll regret it when they're dead:
there's more to life than fun;
he's a health fanatic; he's got to run.

Beans, greens and tangerines
and low cholesterol margarines;
his limbs are loose, his teeth are clean;
he's a high octane fresh-air fiend.
You've got to admit he's keen.
What can you do but be impressed;
he's a health fanatic. Give it a rest!

Shadow-boxing; punch the wall;
One-a-side football;
"What's the score?" "One all."
Could have been a copper; too small.
Could have been a jockey; too tall.
Knees up, knees up! Head the ball!
Nervous energy makes him tick;
he's a health fanatic. He makes you sick!

-- John Cooper Clarke

-- ---------------------------------------------
KUBLA KHAN.

(or, a Vision in a Dream, a Fragment)

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon lover!
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure dome with caves of ice!

A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

[KassandraLoves]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3236/3078753644_938649a2fe_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3017/3078753648_64bb196d04_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3235/3078753650_b3542da0cc_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3175/3078753654_7ca10e560f_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3041/3078753658_ac10b18760_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3229/3078753666_b3d4a7a5de_o.jpg

[capreycorn]

:sweatdrop:http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=luVjkTEIoJc&feature=related
star trek monty python "camelot"

[Brinty]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby and met with President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,
'You know I have just one question about what I have seen in America.'

President Bush said,
'Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.'

The Iranian whispered,
'My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek.'

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
'It's because it takes place in the future.'

[Antaletriangle]

Yes Brinty,very funny and a bit of a sore one there me-thinks!!lol.

The blondes-do you fall into this category Brinty??!!

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail"


*****************

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

******************

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

******************


Did you hear about the blonde that...
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

******************


Did you hear about the blonde that...
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

******************

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

[Brinty]

A traffic cop sees a car puttering along on the highway at 22km/h. So he pulls the car over and as he approaches it, he notices that there's a blonde driving with four passengers. All the passengers were white as ghosts with wide open staring eyes.

"I wasn't speeding, officer," says the blonde."

"You weren't speeding, no, but we can't have cars traveling too much slower than the limit because they can be dangerous to other cars."

"But I was doing exactly the speed limit, 22, officer."

"22 isn't the speed limit," replied the cop, "that's the route number. But before I let you go, I have to ask: is everybody in this car okay? These ladies seem awfully shaken and haven't said a single word."

"Oh, they'll be right in a minute officer, we just got off route 190."

[Brinty]

A tough outback farmer told his grandson that if he wanted to live to a ripe old age, he should sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal each morning. The grandson did this religiously each morning for the rest of his life and lived to the ripe old age of 98.

When he died, he left 14 children, 35 grandchildren, 40 great-grandchildren . . . . and a 6m hole in the crematorium wall.

[Dantheman62]

Great set of jokes A and Brinty HaHaHa:mfr_lol::lmao::lol3::thumb_yello:

[Brinty]

Two nuns were driving through Europe. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at traffic lights. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and blood dripping from his fangs, hisses at them.
"Quick, quick, what shall we do?" cries Sister Mary.
"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That should get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary turns the wipers on and they knock Dracula about a bit but he still manages to hang on.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Turn the windscreen washers on. I filled them with holy water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary turns the washers on. Dracula screams as the water burns him but he still hangs on.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary and she opens her window and shouts . . . . "GET THE F**K OFF OUR CAR!"

[Brinty]

Four blokes were sitting at a bar in a tavern in India. At the next table sat a young blonde.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second fellow replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third guy said, "You both have it wrong, it's WOOM."
The last bloke says, "No, it has to be WOOMMMBBB."

At this, the blonde can stand it no longer. She gets up, walks over to the blokes and says, "Look you dumb asses, it's WOMB. That's all there is to it." Then she stomps out of the bar.

Eventually, one of the guys breaks the stunned silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never heard an elephant fart."

[THE eXchanger]

i have all your catZ

http://www.coverpop.com/pop/lolcats/

(move your cursor to any spot on the portrait and click)

quite a few very funny cat pictures with commentS

[Brinty]

Speaking of elephants . . . . . A jeweller rings the police to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened sergeant. A truck backed up to my shop, the doors opened, and an elephant came out. He broke the plate glass window, put his trunk through the hole, and sucked up all the jewellery. He climbed back into the truck, closed the doors and the truck sped off."
The sergeant asked, "Did you notice whether it was an Indian elephant or and African one?"
"Oh, what's the difference?" asked the puzzled jeweller.
"Well," says the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant only has small ones."
"No, can't help you there sergeant, I didn't see the ears, he had a stocking over his head."

[Dantheman62]

Arrrgh

[capreycorn]

Arrrgh
http://www.outincincy.com/images/2006/2/willie_nelsons_new_willie_nelson1.jpg

[Seth Haniel]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'
------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

[Dantheman62]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.


As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.


Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"


Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"


He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s...t when I tell you the price."

[Swanny]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class
one morning and she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven...
which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'

'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted

:original:

[Swanny]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. May I stay the night?"
>
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
>
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man's car breaks down in front of the same monastery.
>
The monks again accept him, feed him and fix his car.
>
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.
>
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply was, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
>
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
>
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
>
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He informs the monks, "I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
>
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
>
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
>
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key"?
>
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
>
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
>
The monks give him the key and he opens the door, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.
>
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door".
>
The man is relieved. He unlocks the door, turns the knob and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
>

>

>

>

>
>
>

>

>

. . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
:zip:

[Antaletriangle]

Bloomin puddled man!!!lol.

[Antaletriangle]

Last Will And Testament
Of A Farmer

I Leave:

To my wife--My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

To my son--Equity on my car. Now he'll have to work to meet the payments.

To my banker--My soul. He has the Mortgage on it anyway.

To my neighbor--My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

To EmH.A..--My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me and I want to do something for them.

To A.S.C.S.--My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

To the Farm Advisor--50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market.

To the SCS--My farm plan. Maybe they can understand it.

To the Junk Man--All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.

To my undertaker--A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.

To the weatherman--Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral, please. No sense in having good weather now.

To the gravedigger--Don't bother. The hole I am in should be big enough.

To the Monument Maker--Set up a jig for the epitaph, "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

Author Unknown

[Dantheman62]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and
you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can
remember about that f.....g party, you're lucky you don't bark! :dog: :mfr_omg: :mfr_lol:

[Antaletriangle]

Funny Dan!

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."


The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"


The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over.."


The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."


The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,just to be fair, I will give you a head start."


The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.


The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by.


He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.


The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."




Moral of this story? .

1) You don't get old being a fool!

2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

3) Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS !

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darth Vader at Xmas

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darth Vader is sitting at the dinner table at xmas eve, he takes a long slow breath....turns to luke Skywalker and announces...

" I know what you have for xmas young skywalker"

"thats impossible...how do you know that"? asks Luke

Vader replies " Easy... I felt your presence
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Thunder God went for a ride,
upon his favorite filly.

"I'm Thor!", he cried!

The horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly..."

[Antaletriangle]

There are 10 to the 11th power of stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number.
But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit!
We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
Richard Feynman

[capreycorn]

http://img395.imageshack.us/img395/4466/20080703jose1315d418fl8.jpg
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w163/achenry67/ingenuity-11875.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://static.flickr.com/34/73541462_71bf03200b_o.jpg
http://www.blackfive.net/photos/uncategorized/imageimage001jpg01c6acd2693d9130.jpg
http://www.thoughttheater.com/upload/2007/04/ImusAndRichardsBrokebackMountain.jpg

[capreycorn]

http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/Brokeb.JPG
http://static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/d/pyzambone.jpg
http://1.im.cz/n/photo/01/32/02pgplv-topsirka.jpg

[Brinty]

A turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. When a detective sent to investigate the incident asked, "can you explain exactly how many there were and whether they had any features that could identify them?"

The turtle blinked a couple of times then replied, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

[Dantheman62]

BwaHaHa, "it all happened so fast", bwaHaHaHa, that's good in a simple kind of way!

[Dantheman62]

[url]

[Brinty]

The church steeple was very high and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half way down, and as the steeple was widening out and taking more paint, he felt he might not have enough to finish the job. Since he was hot and tired and didn't relish another trip down to the ground, he decided to stretch the paint by adding more thinners.

When he had finished, he lowered himself to the ground and began to clean up. He looked up to see the result of his work and noticed that the area where he had used the thinned paint, looked decidedly different. He was wondering what he should do when the skies darkened and a voice boomed out, "REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"

[Antaletriangle]

O.K. Brinto you're dredging these up mate!!lol God has a lisp now!lol.

[Steve_A]

There was a meeting between the British police force, the French and US.

They wanted to show how their investigation tactics were effective and so went off to Epping Forrest for an exercise.

They let off three foxes and had to track them and retreive them.

After half an hour the representatives from New Scotland Yard brought back the first fox, explaining that it had left footprints in the soft earth and it was through good phorensics that they managed to aprehend the animal.

After another five minutes Interpol arrived with the second fox and revealed that Reynard has brushed up against some tree trunks and had left traces of fox fur which led the French to where he was hiding, all due to good detective work.

Another half an hour and the guys from Guantanamo arrived with a really battered and bruised pig screaming, "Okay, okay I'm a f***ing fox!!".

[Antaletriangle]

O.K. jack!!lol. I do like lateral thinking jokes.lol.

[Brinty]

Rabbi Landau had given his last Sunday school lesson before going on holiday. As he prepared for his travels he realized he had always had a secret - he was sad that he had never been able to taste roast pork. He then and there decided to travel to a remote tropical island where nobody would know who he was, book into a hotel and indulge his secret desire.

On the first evening there, he reserves a table at the top restaurant and orders 'the roast pork special'. While he's waiting, he hears someone call his name. He looks up and sees one of his congregation walking towards his table.

What unbelievably bad luck - to visit this restaurant on this remote island, at this time and to bump into one of his own congregation members. To compound his bad luck, the waither chose this moment to appear with his meal on a trolley.

The lid was removed from the large dish and there was a steaming, whole, roast suckling pig with an apple in its mouth. Rabbi Landau was struck speechless for a couple of seconds before recoverting his composure.

He turned to his congregant and says in a sheepish voice, "Would you believe it - you order an apple in this restaurant, and look how they present it."

[Swanny]

Chicken Surprise
> >
> > A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
> > The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
> >
> > Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
> > and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
> > lid slams back down.
> >
> > 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
> > asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
> > and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
> >
> > Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
> > and demands an explanation.
> >
> > 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
> >
> > The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

:original:

[Swanny]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.
In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

:thumb_yello:

[Dantheman62]

NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
>
> This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
> advantage of the
> government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
>
>
> The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
> documentary on how
> unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of
> wheels in less than
> 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's
> existing crew could
> only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of
> high tech equipment.
> It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by
> Gordon's management team
> as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon
> got more than he
> bargained for!
>
>
>
> At the crew's first practice session, not only was the
> inexperienced crew
> able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within
> 12 seconds they had
> changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the
> car to Dale Jr. for
> 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
> Gordon's wife in the
> shower.

:newyear:

[Brinty]

A competitive axeman was honing his skills down by the river when in one miss-placed swing, his axe twisted out of his grasp and fell into the river. As the axe swiftly sank to the riverbed, he dropped to his knees and with head in hands, prayed to God for assistance because he couldn't swim.

In an instant an angel appeared before him and asked how he could be of assistance. The axeman told how his axe had fallen into the river but he was unable to swim so he couldn't retrieve it himself. The angel promptly dived in and reappeared with a solid gold axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked.
"No," replied the axeman. So the angel dived in again. This time he presented the axeman with a sold silver axe."
"No, that's not mine either," said the axeman. Diving in for a third time, the angel came up with the axeman's iron axe.
"Ah yes, that's mine," cried the axeman with glee.
"Well," said the angel, "because you have been so honest, you can keep all three axes.

Some months later the axeman and his wife were down by the river when his wife slipped and fell into the water.
On his knees he prayed to God for help and was gratified when the angel appeared in an instant.
"Please help me, my wife is in the river and neither of us can swim." The angel instantly dives in and resurfaces with Miss World.
"Is this your wife?"
The axeman hesitates for a split second then eagerly says, "Yes it is."
The angel was furious, "You lied! - now you will be punished."

The axeman quickly cried, "please forgive me, it was a misunderstanding. If I had told the truth and said 'no', you would have then brought me Miss America. If I had told the truth again and said 'no', then finally you would have come up with my wife and I would have said 'yes'. Then you would have given all three women to me. I am not a wealthy man, so I would not be able to look after all three as a man should. So you see, that's why I had to say 'yes'."

[Dantheman62]

Poor Rudolph!!!!!

http://projectavalon.net/forum/picture.php?albumid=535&pictureid=5310

[Brinty]

A chap goes into a pet shop a buys a pair of hamsters, takes them home and places them in a perfectly designed hutch. Well, hamsters being hamsters, in no time at all it seemed, there were dozens of them. He built a bigger hutch for them and they multiplied even further,

One morning he was devestated to find them all dead. He called the pet shop owner who told him that he would have to dispose of them and burn the hutch to prevent spreading whatever disease it was that had caused their deaths.

"How do I dispose of nearly 200 hamsters?" wailed the guy.
"Well," replied the pet shop owner, "put them through a mulcher, and mix in some leaf litter untill they are the colour and consistence of jam. When they get to that condition, you can spread them on your garden as they make a splendid mulch,"

A few months go by and one day the bloke bumps into the pet shop owner.
"Oh, I followed your advice and put the hamsters through the mulcher till they were just like jam and mulched my garden with them, and I have now got the most wonderful display of roses I've ever seen."

"Roses?" asked the puzzled pet shop owner, "you usually get tulips from hamster jam!"

[Dantheman62]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you . That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh..t!

[Dantheman62]

http://projectavalon.net/forum/picture.php?albumid=535&pictureid=5321

[Barron]

Speaking of the current economic situation......

it is a "recession" when people are losing their jobs.....

but when you lose your job, it is a "depression"! :original:

[Dantheman62]

nevermind

[Swanny]

I'm very disappointed with the Woolies advent calender I bought this year,
all the windows are boarded up and there's nothing behind them.

:wink2:

[Dantheman62]

Welfare

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know,

I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have

a job."



The social worker behind the counter says, "Your

timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a

very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and

bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll

supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,

meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas

holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above

the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year."



The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bull****tin' me!



The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Brinty]

In the 1850s goldfields of Australia's state of Victoria, the small shanty town of Ballarat became a thriving centre catering for all the hard working prospectors' needs. Two of these businesses were a fish and chip shop run by a Greek, Dimitri Popadopalous, and a chinese laundry run by Ah Pong.

Dimitri could speak English perfectly with not the slightest trace of an accent, while poor old Ah suffered with the oriental lisp that caused him to pronounce his 'r's as 'l's. Every Friday night Ah Pong worked late into the night laundering the prospectors clothes for the Saturday night dances, and used to buy a meal of fish and chips from Dimitri Popadopalous.

Every Friday night, just as Ah Pong was leaving Dimitri's shop with his newspaper wrapped meal under his arm, Dimitri would call out in his crowded shop, "Hey! Ah Pong, what day is it today?" And every Friday night Ah Pong would turn on his heel and say, "is Fliday." Of course the shop full of people would roar with laughter at this regular teasing.

Poor old Ah finally decided that he had had enough of being humiliated, and made his mind up to get rid of his lisp by dint of perseverance and constant practice. Hour after hour he would lisp, "Fliday, Fliday, Fliday." Eventally, after almost a week, he could pronounce 'Friday' perfectly.

Going to Dimitri's shop the next Friday, he orders his usual fish and chips. Once again, as he is about to walk out the door, Dimitri calls out, "Hey! Ah Pong, what day is it today?"

Ah Pong spins on his heels, thrusts out his chest and says in perfect English, "It's Friday." Then with his face red and distorted from pent up anger at his months of humiliation, he screams out, "YOU GLEEK PLICK!"

[Brinty]

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
She also had a monkey.
And every time the lamb got out,
The monkey used to -
Chase it

:shocked:

Simple Simon met a pie-man,
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie-man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pie-man to Simple Simon.
"Pies you fool!"
:wall:

[Antaletriangle]

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

one is weaselly wecognisable,
the other isssstotally different! hic.:drinks_wine:

[Swanny]

Mary had a little lamb,
she also had a bear.
I often saw her little lamb,
but I never saw her bear.
:sad:

[Antaletriangle]

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman

[Brinty]

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her.
What did Miss Muffet say?

"Pi$$ off hairy legs or I'll beat you to a pulp with my spoon!"

[Brinty]

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his phone. As he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear.

Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around, keen to know what they are celebrating.

Well" he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds."

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs. "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says, “you're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in two weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a L-O-N-G S-L-O-W swig from his foaming glass, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

[Dantheman62]

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Peter Piper said.......
"I'm not a pickled pepper picker,
I'm a pickled pepper picker's son,
I sit picking pickled peppers.
till the pickled pepper pickings done!"

[Brinty]

Good one Dan, it reminds me of a song sung by an English group, "The Wurzels."

The chorus goes . . . .

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son,
And I'll sit here plucking pheasants,
Till the pheasant plucker comes.

Not the song to sing if you are half tight and there are ladies present. :insane:

[Swanny]

A man went to see a urologist and told him he was having a problem as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him.



However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk.



The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear so, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
todger sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my bum!'

:jawdrop:

[Brinty]

Then there was the one about the bloke who visited his doctor. He explained to the doctor that he was experiencing this jabbing pain which started in his groin, then shot up to his chest causing him difficulty in breathing.

The doctor examine the bloke and told him that there was only one treatment - castration!

In a fit of depression he considered suicide but was too much of a coward so agreed to have the operation.

A couple of weeks later he was still feeling depressed so decided to go shopping for a new suit. At the menswear store, an effeminate chap took his measurements then asked him what style of suit he wanted.

"I think I'd like a navy blue, double-breasted, pin stripe with a waistcoat and two pair of trousers."

"Alright, and which side do you dress to?"

The bloke looks puzzled, whereupon the tailor explains that what he wanted to know was, which side did he tuck his manhood, to the left or the right?

"I don't see that it makes any difference." the bloke says,

"Oh but it does," says the tailor. "Depending on the cut of the trousers, if you dress to the wrong side, you get this terrible jabbing pain that starts in your groin area and shoots up to your chest making it hard to breathe!"

[Orion Morris]

HAHA! Thanks for that one Dan!


NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
>
> This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
> advantage of the
> government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
>
>
> The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
> documentary on how
> unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of
> wheels in less than
> 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's
> existing crew could
> only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of
> high tech equipment.
> It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by
> Gordon's management team
> as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon
> got more than he
> bargained for!
>
>
>
> At the crew's first practice session, not only was the
> inexperienced crew
> able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within
> 12 seconds they had
> changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the
> car to Dale Jr. for
> 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
> Gordon's wife in the
> shower.

:newyear:

[Dantheman62]

HaHaHa I must say to everyone who's posted in this thread that this is a great collection of quotes and jokes! LOL! For the most part, doh!

[777 The Great Work]

http://freshimagehosting.com/images/dj1wlh7edtooexmb3z1.gif (http://freshimagehosting.com/) :mfr_lol: :roll1:

[Dantheman62]

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

Wife: "Where are you going dear?"
Husband: "To the kitchen"
Wife: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
Husband: "Sure."
Wife: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

Husband: "No, I can remember that!"
Wife: "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
Husband: "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
Wife: "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Husband: "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!"

He then grumbles all the way to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

[Swanny]

Lovingly wrapped in a creamy white envelope, with beautifully detailed fine gold writing and a first class stamp....
This isn't just any P45, this is a Marks and Spencers P45.

:tongue2:

[THE eXchanger]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart..

The husband
picks up a case of Budweiser
and puts it in their cart.

'What do you
think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24
cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,'
demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the
woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do
you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes
me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24
cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'


On the PA system:

'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

[Antaletriangle]

Yeah funny i heard that a while back but in an English way.

[Dantheman62]

English way??, oh like in bloody, blimey, matey, tea and crumpets type of way, HaHaHa, LOL! LOL!

[THE eXchanger]

in an English way

hmmm...i wonder how that varies from the canadian way LOL

[THE eXchanger]

http://freshimagehosting.com/images/dj1wlh7edtooexmb3z1.gif (http://freshimagehosting.com/) :mfr_lol: :roll1:

i need what the squirel is getting LOL

[DiVineEnvy]

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24
cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system:

'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

Hahaha...thanks, good one. I'll have to remember that.

eXchanger - Treat yourself to that massage you've been putting off. You deserve it!!

[Brinty]

An elderly couple are celebrating their 50 years of wedded bliss by traveling to India where they had spent their honeymoon. The second day there the husband was feeling the heat so elected to stay indoors with the air-conditioning turned on. His wife decided she would go out and do some shopping in local bazzar. As she retraced the path they had taken together 50 years ago, she began to relive the excitement of their honeymoon and the sensual pleasures they had experienced all those years ago. She paused to watch a snake-charmer playing his flute as a snake slowly rose from the basket at his feet, swaying in time to the music. She moved on through the bazzar looking at the different wares for sale until she came to a stall where the musical instruments were. Suddenly her eyes lit up as she had an idea. She purchased a flute and ran back to the snake-charmer. He consented to showing her his method of charming the snake.
Beside herself with excitement, she raced back to the hotel where her husband was laying on his back on the bed in their room with just a sheet over himself. Quickly seating herself cross-legged by the bedside, she started playing the flute. After a minute had passed by, she noticed the sheet starting to rise at a point about the centre of his body. In a state of high arousel she changed the tempo of the flute as the sheet peaked higher and higher. Unable to contain her excitement any longer, she ripped the sheet from her husband's form - only to find the end of his pyjama cord raised up and swaying in time to the music of the flute.

[THE eXchanger]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.



I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.



I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And that's when the fight started....

[THE eXchanger]

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"



It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.



"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.



So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



And that's when the fight started....

[THE eXchanger]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
& And then the fight started ...




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy ****. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.



She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.



I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's d**n near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.



The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.



I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.



I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.



She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

[Dantheman62]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new
shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him...
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue...

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring
every time...

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your
life?'...
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in
classic style he did not bat an eye in his response...

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son.

[Antaletriangle]

Alien laying down the ground rules to a human!lol.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_uHJ9ybYYiU&feature=rec-HM-fresh+div

[THE eXchanger]

The love story of Ralph and Edna...



Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool

Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act

she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,

as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said
, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.



The bad news is,
Ralph hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him

. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'



Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself,
I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'



Happy Mental Health Day! :lmao:



You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...


Done my part!!! :mfr_lol:

[Antaletriangle]

You're coming out with some corkers Sue-have you been getting out and boozing a little more lately?lol.

[Antaletriangle]

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

Wife: "Where are you going dear?"
Husband: "To the kitchen"
Wife: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
Husband: "Sure."
Wife: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

Husband: "No, I can remember that!"
Wife: "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
Husband: "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
Wife: "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Husband: "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!"

He then grumbles all the way to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

I'm like that now Dan!!lol.

[Antaletriangle]

Henry, the Vampire bat, returns to his cave after his night's work, his face plastered with fresh blood. All his mates are hanging there, pretty ****ed off having not had a kill that night.

They get quite excited when Henry arrives. Henry is trying to get some sleep, but his mates keep on hassling him, wanting to know where he'd been. Eventually he gets so irritated by this that he stretches his wings and says "Right lads, follow me, I'll show you where."

The thousands of bats leave the cave, fly for an hour before Henry alights on the tower of a brooding mansion.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yes, yes," they all chitter.

"Well I didn't!"

[Antaletriangle]

Things Got Ya Down ?



Well Then, Consider These . . .

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their
medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team
of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The
next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors
and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what
the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses,
prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just
when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he
could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the
most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is
Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

[Dantheman62]

Henry, the Vampire bat, returns to his cave after his night's work, his face plastered with fresh blood. All his mates are hanging there, pretty ****ed off having not had a kill that night.

They get quite excited when Henry arrives. Henry is trying to get some sleep, but his mates keep on hassling him, wanting to know where he'd been. Eventually he gets so irritated by this that he stretches his wings and says "Right lads, follow me, I'll show you where."

The thousands of bats leave the cave, fly for an hour before Henry alights on the tower of a brooding mansion.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yes, yes," they all chitter.

"Well I didn't!"
HaHa that's a good one A !

[Wormhole]

A man comes home to notice that there is a dent in back fender of his car, he then notices that the tool box in the back of the garage is also dented. He shakes his head and walks inside and sits down next to his wife and sighs, "Honey, how can you be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time?"

She remembers coming home and backing into the open tool box that was left in the middle of the garage earlier... Then she muses about the hour it took for her to push the heavy box to the back of the garage, pick up all the tools, and arrange them in order.

She turns her head and answers with a smile, "God made me beautiful so that you would fall in love with me, and God made me stupid so that I would fall in love with you."

Peace of Mind,
Wormhole

[THE eXchanger]

http://206.47.170.43/channels/images/weird14.jpg

Guess what this is ???http://206.47.170.43/channels/images/weird14.jpg

[no caste]

Not sure...

http://blog.ratestogo.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/peeing-statue.jpg

love & light

wow- my oldie computer is slow!

[Brinty]

Vintage Abbott and Costello - the original Who's on First.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M -

[Dantheman62]

GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN…

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to

process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly

get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said,

“I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they

discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get

married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in

Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH COME ON!” St. Peter shouted.

“It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

[THE eXchanger]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxcillin and advil is also called ibuprofen.

The fda has been looking for a generic name for viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts,
it recently announced that it has settled on the name mycoxafloppin
, mydixadrupin,
mydixarizin,
dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

Pfizer corp. Announced today
that viagra will soon be available in liquid form,
and will be marketed by pepsi cola
as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man
to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails' , 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of; mount & do.

Thought for the day;
there is more money being spent on breast implants
and viagra today than on alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040
there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away
there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Ta ta for now.

[Dantheman62]

Now that's funny eXchanger! HaHa

[THE eXchanger]

Kids Are Quick
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: ; You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: ; Mayb e it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
____________ _________ _________ ____





PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!

love, susan
the eXchanger

Will it to be, so, it will be
Simply susan aka White lotus star
The eXchanger

LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

[Brinty]

Six year old Tommy had gone to the shopping mall with his grandad. After an hour he realised they had got separated in the crowd. Now Tommy had always been told by his parents that if he ever got lost, or got into trouble of some sort, he should go and find a policeman. So that was what Tommy did. :original:

"Please officer, I've lost my grandad in the crowd.":sad:
"Okay sonny, what's he like?"
Tommy thought for a few seconds then replied, "Johnny Walker Black Label, and ladies with big tits." :shocked:

[Brinty]

While Tommy was looking for his grandad, grandad had shuffled into an ice cream parlor where he struggled to climb onto a stool and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, "crushed nuts?"
"No," replied Tommy's grandad, "arthritis."

[Antaletriangle]

Quality.

[judykott]

eXchanger and Brinty funny jokes , Thanks for the good laughs:mfr_lol:

[Brinty]

You're too kind judy, :wub2: I'm only doing what comes naturally. My wife tells me I even laugh in my sleep. :naughty: (I also do other things in my sleep - but we won't go there.) :original:

[Brinty]

A bloke is having trouble maintaining an erection. He's tried cure after cure but nothing works. In desperation, he visits a Chinese herbalist. He's given a small vial of powder and the following instructions, "Sprinkle on dinner, when comfortable in bed, say, 'one, two, three.' You will be able to perform for as long as you or your wife desire. When you are satisfied, you or your wife just need to say, 'one, two, three, four.' But, be aware that once you say that, the powder will not work for another twelve months."

So the chap rushes home in great excitement. At the dinner table he sprinkles the powder as directed then can hardly wait to get to bed. When he and his wife are settled in bed, she gives him a peck on the cheek, then turns her back to him and snuggles down under the covers.

He waits for a few seconds, takes a deep breath and counts, "One, two, three." Just as he starts to feel arousal, his wife turns to him on one elbow, and asks, "What did you say .one, two, three, for?"

[judykott]

Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.

The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.

That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.

Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much boned no matter what you wish for. Unless of course, it's death by meteor.

If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.

Your role in life may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.

A bacon double whopper is NOT a novelty sex toy!

[Brinty]

A primary school teacher was getting to know her new class and had asked each child to talk about their fathers. Johnny's father was a motor mechanic, Tim's was an accountant. Mary's father was a courier while Peggy's was a butcher. One by one, each of the children put their hands up and told of their fathers' jobs - all except for Timmy.

The teacher turned to him and said, "You haven't told us about your father Timmy, what does he do?"

Timmy looked up with a sad look on his face and replied, "My fathers dead."

The teacher was a little embarrassed at this and, to recover herself said, "That's sad Timmy, but what did he do before he died?"
Timmy replied, "He jumped up from the table, grabbed at his chest and went 'AAAARRRRHH!' then fell down."

[vipassana]

Watch how you word things!! Extracted from Actual Advertisements

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced employees will care for your child. Fenced play area, meals, and smacks included in fees.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dinner Special — Turkey £2.35; Chicken or Beef £2.25; Children £2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Great Dames for sale.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Work Wanted: Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for £10.00.

Lost: Small poodle - Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetising forms.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Mother’s helper, peasant working conditions.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.


:original:

[Dantheman62]

The WalMart Greeter

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart
> greeter, a good
> > > find for
> > > many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
> > >
> > > About two hours into my first day on the job a
> very loud,
> > > unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the
> store with
> > > her two
> > > kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way
> through the
> > > entrance.
> > > As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
> 'Good
> > > morning, and welcome
> > > to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are
> they
> > > twins?'
> > >
> > > The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to
> say,
> > > 'Hell no, they
> > > ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the
> other
> > > one's 7. Why the
> > > hell would you think they're twins? Are you
> blind, or
> > > just stupid?'
> > >
> > > So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor
> stupid,
> > > Ma'am, I just couldn't
> > > believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and
> thank you
> > > for
> > > shopping at Wal-Mart.'
> > >
> > > My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out
> for this
> > > line of work.

[Swanny]

hehe :naughty:

[Dantheman62]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2281/2373506170_70090da116.jpg?v=0

[Swanny]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was ******.

5.. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[Swanny]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

:shocked:

[Dantheman62]

HaHa :thumb_yello:

[Brinty]

Two eggs in a carton. A boy egg, and a girl egg. The girl egg sidles up to the boy egg and asks, "can we be friends?"
"Okay," answered the boy egg.
"Can we be close friends?" she asks.
"Yes, That'll be okay."
"I mean, can we be really close friends?"
"Well, yes." replies the boy egg.
" No," says the girl egg as she moves in even closer to the boy egg. "I mean really, really, close friends."
The boy egg swallows and replies in a shaky voice, "Uhm, y-yes, We can be close friends."
The girl egg moves in until she makes bodily contact and starts to take her shell off.
The boy egg suddenly loses his nerve and rolls away shouting , "No, no, please, no."
The girl egg is more that a little put out at this reaction and wants to know what is wrong.
"Well," says the boy egg, "if you do that, take your shell off, I'll go hard. And every time I go hard, someone bashes me over the head with a spoon and sprinkles salt and pepper on me then eats me."

[Brinty]

The youngest member of a football team is about to get married. In a private meeting with the team coach, he admits that he is still a virgin and has no idea how to go about consummating his upcoming marriage. The coach, a fatherly figure to the team members says, "well son, I can only plant a suggestion in your mind. Nature has a way of taking control in moments like this, but to get you started, when you get into bed on your wedding night, place your hand on your wife's stomach and gently rubbing it say, 'I love you darling.' You'll find that nature will carry on from there."

So, on their wedding night the young couple climb into bed. The new husband places his hand on his wife's stomach and in a voice trembling with a mixture of apprehension and desire, manages to say in a falsetto, "I love you darling."

His wife snuggles up to him and says, "lower darling, lower." So, taking a big breath and clearing his throat, he says in a deep bass voice, "I love you darling."

[peaceandlove]

A good errrrrrr vegetarian joke?


What is the similarity between soybean and a dildo?

***************


*************


***********


*********


*******


*****


***




They're both meat substitutes. :)

[Brinty]

Irish Boy's Confession

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, Dicky?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Brown?”
“I'll never tell.”
“Was it Margaret Doyle?”
“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Anne O' Neil?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”
“Four months holiday and five good leads'.

[piers2210]

The First of April...so lets not be too serious with all this G20 stuff....here's a couple for you:

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns round and says "Don't worry, that was an insect". To which her son replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that".....

++++++++

I was walking in a cemetry this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning". He replied "No, just having a sh*t"......

++++++++

Have a great day!

[Brinty]

Pat was a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He'd won $500,000 and with only one lifeline left - phone a friend - he was having a crack at the final question which was:

Which of these birds does not build its own nest?
A - sparrow
B - thrush
C - cuckoo
D - starling

Pat frowns, scratches his head and decides to phone a friend. Mike answers the phone and Pat repeats the question.

"Oh that's easy, its the cuckoo," says Mike.

Pat hangs the phone up and tells the show's presenter that he'll go with cuckoo.

There is a long pause and then the presenter screams , "Pat, you have just won $1,000,000! Congratulations!

The next day, Pat takes his friend Mike to the pub for drinks and a meal. "Tell me Mike, how did you know it was a cuckoo?"

"Well," says Mike, "it was easy. Everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."