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That's a great video! Well put together and funny! Some of those are just so-so, but that's a good one!
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Haha loads of great stuff :naughty:
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Three male Labrador's, 1 chocolate, 1 yellow, and 1 black... were sitting
in a waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?' The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I **** on everything......the sofa, the Curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I ****** in the middle of my owner's' bed.' The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?' Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.They reckon it'll calm me down.' The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.' So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. 'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said. The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' 'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. 'Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'. The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, you're loosing your balls too, huh?' The black Lab said.... 'God no, I'm just here to get my nails clipped''. :thumb_yello: |
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?' Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?' The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.' 'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' ! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?' 'You're a Congressman for theU.S. Government', says Bud. 'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?' 'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog. |
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Hehe excellent :mfr_lol:
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Peoples always said that the day we had a black President would be the day pigs fly. Well, what do you know! 4 months into his presidency and swine flu!
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Some Tommy Cooper jokes
http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictur...perFingers.jpg * Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. * I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. * I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. * Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. * Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. * A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. ' * 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.' * A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' * A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said 'well don't go there any more' * I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. * Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners * 'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.' * 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.' * I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' , so he gave me a kite. * I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.' * I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids! * So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.' A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours' Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.Tommy Cooper - cooperisms Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. ' Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, 'you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said, ' What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road. 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' 'I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an attractive woman. I looked at her and cocked my eye. She looked at me and cocked her eye back. And there we stood, ccok-eyed. 'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.' I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?' I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.' A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy' So I went to the dentist. He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.' A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'. :naughty: |
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# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. # Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. # Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?" # Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. # Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year. |
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On the subject of cars and car companies which could use a boost or two,
comes the news that Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car. They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car .................... to be named the "Clitaurus". Male drivers may find it difficult to find, but female drivers will always remember where they parked it. The car comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash. :thumb_yello: |
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LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.....' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know Sh..t? |
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I went into a pub in a dry, dusty outback Australian town. There were the usual patrons scattered around playing two-up and watching the races on TV.
A woman in working clothes and covered with dust and flies walked up to the bar and looking around at everyone, raised her right arm in the air showing a great thatch of under-arm hair, and yelled, "who'll buy a lady a beer?" A drunk, leaning on the bar at the far end, screwed his eyes up, gulped, shook his head and said to the barman, "give the ballet dancer a beer and I'll pay for it. Five minutes later, the woman raised her arm again and yelled, "who'll buy a lady a beer?" Once again the drunk rolled his eyes and pursed his lips and said to the barman, "give the ballet dancer a beer and I'll pay for it. This happened a further four times. In the end, the barman asked the drunk, "why do you call her a ballet dancer?" The drunk replied, "only a ballet dancer could lift her leg that high." |
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Shortly after the take-off, the captain greets passengers, makes brief announcements, and puts away the microphone forgetting to turn it off. His last words are heard in the passenger cabin:"... and now I am going to have a cup of coffee and then f**** a stewardess."
One of the stewardesses, hearing his words, starts rushing to the cockpit to tell him that he hasn't turned off the microphone. One of the passengers stops her and says:"Didn't you hear? first he has to drink coffee...". |
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A wife to husband: "you know what? you are such a loser, no matter what you do, you are always a loser. And even if there was a contest for the world's biggest loser, you would get the second place."
husband:" but why a second place?" wife: "Because you are such a loser". |
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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" :tongue2: |
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