I grow weary

[lock'N'load]

Its been over half a decade since I embarked on my journey of truth. As a child with an idealistic vision of the world i was very dissapointed and distraught with what i found..
But still, that yearning to know the truth of who we are and what we are capable of has been the sole driving force in my life for some time now.

Yet, i feel it every morning, every afternoon and everynight. It feels as if my heart has turned to lead.. and the situation is not improving, in fact it gets worse.

Im finding it very difficult being here at this time, but to trade what i know for happiness would feel much worse then the burden i carry. I cannot turn my back now.

I feel that if i vent this maybe something will come of it, maybe somehow my sorrow will be lifted and i will be free again. I doubt this will happen until my departure, something i look foreward too.

I remember doing an indigo test a few years ago. I got a score of 97.4% .. i was hardly surprised. Many have said that i have a beautifull aura, and that my presence brings love in many peoples hearts. And threatens others.
But i do not feel beautifull, i do not feel of love. I feel despair, i cannot even drink alcohol now for the emotions it will raise. This sucks, and it sucks big time.

I really do not know what to do.

I guess in writing this im putting it out there, for those of you with thoughts that may help, i would be most gratefull.

This is one of the burdens you shall carry if you continue your search for truth, for the truth is indeed bitter.

This is a terrible way for our children to be. Not many know of the pains they feel. When they turn on their televisions and see hatred and violence, it has permenant ramifications on their personalities.

This is how we treat our angels.

My sole reason now for even continuing to live is the hope that i can some day help children who are sensitive and intuitive. So that i can help them avoid the pain that i discovered.

I hope this didnt depress anyone, that wasnt my intention. My intention was solely to bring awareness to the pain that some people are feeling, a much much worse pain then anything physical.

[JesterTerrestrial]

Don't worry. I got you man!

http://www.best-self-help-sites.com/...vibration.html

[lock'N'load]

Thanks lol, ive just had an incredibly bad week.

[virtute]

Well, on the other hand, you as a father/mother can show your children all the other aspects, you can teach them respect, love and tolerance, and the most important thing, you can and i'm sure you do Love them unconditionally!!

Of course it's hard for children to engange all the cruelity and hatred out there, but if they have someone to rely on,with a stout heart and faith in humanity, they won't take that much damage at all. If you are the truth-seeking person you say you were, you cannot deny that love is everywhere around us, and only because "they" pour oil in the fire of the peoples "dark" side, it does not mean that the greater part of us wants the things to be the way they are.

It is important for our children to learn the truth, even if it might be a frustrating one, so they don't become blue-eyed dreamers who are totally off the road the first time they get in serious trouble, nor should they become depressed and faithless. It is in our hands what we teach our little ones, and in what condition we leave our planet behind for them.

Don't be depressed, you know there's a whole lot of people out there who CAN do better than this

virtute

[THE eXchanger]

Dear Lock'N'Load...
you picked your name for a reason ...
it's time for you to ask
to remember where you put the damn keys,
to the lock that is on your heart...
and, since, you definitely,
do know how to load your question,
all, that you truly are missing,
is a few answers.

It takes, a person, 50 years,
to pass through, approx 4 different stages of their life...
at 50, (and, i am about 50)
it can take that long, to gain a full appreciation,
of all that you are, and, then, to take that,
and, go out and eXpress it to the world.

Yes, your journey, has always been about truth...
and, the sorting process, has, left you feeling
a little bit tossed up...

why do others, NOT see things, as, i do ...
i'll bet you ask yourself that all the time

you are a visionary, one with eyes, that see

remember, that, you get what you allow,
sure, you wish : everyone else around you,
were just like you

surprise...surprise...surprise

few are -- you are here, to set an eXample

be who you are, and, do that authentically !!!

eXpectations - are, only for you, to eXpect things of yourself, eXpecting things from others, is a fruitless way
to go through your life

when someone lets you down, i am sure,
you say things, like; i can NOT believe, that XXX or YYY
did that, and, NOTE the world "believe"

just because you believe something
(does NOT automatically qualify it as a truth)
in most cases, i see,
that you gave / or granted others,
the respect, of someone who lives upon your level
and, you forgot -- that others, are NOT given respect
it is something, that they earn

eXchange is simple - when you give what you get
and, you get what you give - if this does NOT happen,
then, it is time, to end those types of eXchanges.

it is, a lot about the heart

eXplore in depth, the 6 virtues of the heart
on www.wingmakers.com
ask, to step into your essence...
ask, to step into that highest piece of you...
and, demand, and, command it,
in 100% alignment with YOU / and,
this, your missing CapStone,
that, 9th Dimensional Higher Self of Yours,
who is sitting there, with it's hands crossed across it's chest, just waiting for you to do, just that

If it was easy, it would NOT be nearly as much fun...

you must mine for a diamond,
and, then, actually polish it, b4, it looks like a gem

NO, you can NOT turn back ...
and, remember this,
only YOU, can make yourself happy,
another, can only make you happier

AHHH...here you come to an eXchange

and, the burden, you believe you carry, is

but knowledge, to share with others

Your energy, is the true eXpression
of what lurks in your inner_worlds,
tap into that, and, then blast it, the contents of that,
out to the outer_worlds,
those eXternal_worlds, where your song / your words
will come to meet others

it is always a shared journey, that is the real trip

for what is a journey, if it does NOT
have lows and highs,
if it did NOT have these things,
you would NEVER know the difference,
between the two,
it is duality, that is always one of the greatest teachers

NO, it is NOT for you to turn your back,
NOR, for anyone else, to turn there back on you

the hardest roads / are the shortest roads

the journey from the lower heart to the higher heart
and, the journey from the lower mind to the higher mind,
is, the neXt journey for you to take,
yes, let out, all the old air, it is NO LONGER serving you,
and, in the neXt big breath you take in,
ask, for the neXt phase of your journey,
it is, really that easy, that simple,
and, it is FUN

Ask, the winds, to blow through you,
and, to take away the sorrow
and, to allow for joy to blow through

ask, the winds, to blow away the doubt,
and, to show you what it is to be free,
it lurks, deep inside of you,
all of the assortment of answers,
you are searching for

if you notice the word....doubt,
it has a "u" in it, and, a "do"...
you got to do, to be
(then, you can cross your "t")

Yes, putting it out,
helps others, to help you, remotely,
open up, to the good energies,
that, i know, many will send,
ask, to receive it, in 100% alignment,
with your mission,and, your purpose,
ask, your essence to come to you

a few others on this list,
have sent me, very interesting messages,
saying, they have used, some of the suggestions,
and, techniques, that,
i have given to them, and, reported back,
it actually works

this makes my heart happy - this makes my soul sing

NOT, all truth is bitter,
in fact, real truth, is the ultimate of the definition of sweet

Remember, it is NOT pain you are feeling,
but, the ache is a signal, that something within you,
requires you, to pay attention to it,
feed it first, then, you will be able to feed others,

Remember, for "the original spark", who is YOU
it is a never ending type of journey,
it's time to turn it all into, a trip, you will NEVER forget

The greatest part of it all, is,
that you are the captain, and, the crew ...
vistors, are those who you choose to allow
if they add more, to your journey, keep them around
if they add less, to your journey,
then, it's time to just thank them, and, let them go

Remember, you must be a friend to have a friend

Take time to NOT only be a friend,
but, to make NEW friends
there are many others, just like you here,
in this NOW !!!

Many of us, have walked this road,
and, can relate to you ...
your sharing, of this,
does NOT just help you,
but, i am sure, it will help many

Remember most of all, you choose to be here
and, discover why

Brightest Blessings
i am susan
White Lotus Star
The eXchanger

[Captain Obvious]

With a past including years of depression, several attempts at leaving the body, feeling out of touch with just about anybody, etc. I recognize some of what you are writing.

My suggestion would be to take some time off to do other that things you really like to do, and continue your quest when the spark is back. What makes you happy? What makes you feel good?

[lock'N'load]

Thank you exchanger for going to the trouble of writing that out in so much detail, i appreciate that. And i will try it, and i'll let you know how i get on.
You made a lot of sense, but i'll have to read through it a few more times to get a better grasp.

Captain obvious : I like to help people, it makes me happy when i make other people happy. I like to make my girlfriend happy, watching joy in her eyes is something that just gives me a buzz.

I understand what you are saying, which is why ive chosen my career path. And i'll be starting on that journey next month, so hopefully it will bring me to where i need to be. I suppose ive been stagnant lately and have harboured a lot of hatred in my heart.. not my own hatred but someone elses, i had to learn how to hate .. i learned that off my brother as a defensive mechanism and i really wish i didnt.

[THE eXchanger]

read things three times
so, they activate

and, always bless your blessings

so, you get more of them

you are loved

i am susan
white lotus star
the eXchanger

[Chris Parson]

Jason Louv says:

Heaven (+3)

I love you, you love me, I am you, you are me. Grace and love are the only reality.
This is the Garden of Eden. Earth is a school from which all graduate into light
sooner or later. Everything is running perfectly and even apparent misery is part of
the divine plan (to balance karma / purify matter into spirit / teach lessons / etc etc).
Individuality is illusion and we are aware of this and hence liberated. We have free
will, but all paths lead to the Source. Love forever.


Hell (-3)

Everything suffers all the time period the end. Earth is a prison planet; a torture
device designed to produce the maximum yield of misery possible. The darkness is
occasionally and temporarily illuminated by the false hopes of love, religion, family,
success, all dangled in front of our eyes like the bioluminescent lure of a beast-toothed
angler fish. Human beings are a crop seeded by some other form of entity and our
agony is their food. “We teach all hearts to break.” All of them. Individuality is illusion
but our only respite from it is to be devoured. We have free will in order to make our
suffering more poignant, and all paths lead to more suffering. All avenues of escape
are covered. We have one alternative, which is to have compassion and forgiveness for
everything in existence, in which case we win “the game”—but we still suffer.

Exit Strategy

In my current understanding [October 2006], taken from Sufism, the above two
conditions (both of which I have experienced as “absolute truth” at different points
in my life) are equally valid options. As long as we are physically incarnate, we are
liable to be ping-ponging between one or the other, or hovering in some gradient in
between, or in a different zone altogether. As long as we have a body, we can change
the frequency we are receiving and transmitting on. Once the body and mind die,
we’re stuck at whatever frequency we’ve cultivated up to that point and re-absorbed at that vibrational level, without change, outside of time and space. The Great Work
then becomes to cultivate the best state possible, in preparation for death. Heavy
psychedelic and spiritual experiences can give us a small taste of death so that we see
the importance of this. Choose wisely.

[visual co-creator]

*

[Ceilidh_Madigan@yahoo.com]

lockNload, your initial words sound familiar to me to. I find myself not desiring a future of starting a family in this society, however I love my family now more than anything. My suggestion, along with seeking your bliss and giving of yourself, is perhaps learning a musical instrument, if you don't know one already. This could be your voice, or a tin whistle/recorder is pretty easy to learn. If it were not for my saxophone, so much unspeakable wrath and joy would build like a hurricane over the gulf. I let the winds (literally) out, and find myself in the peaceful eye... for a time. Our sensitivities to the 'wrongs' of our mortal beings will never go away... I too had to learn hate at a late age from "friends". I have learned that their hate and fear is the stone on their shoulders. And that they, too, would rather do without... if they only knew how. I want you to know that though we have not met, I feel a similar weak and fumbling grip on that bliss, our bliss is flippant and fleeting, but true and manifestable. Someday, we WILL leave this place. Let us manifest that bliss and share while we can. You are a good person! Walk with us! Good luck!

[THE eXchanger]

Originally Posted by visual co-creator

WOW! Jester! That's real reading, about as far from dry as you can get, I guess that makes it really WET reading!

indeed it iS

thank you JESTER

i have an original sufi book, the first english translation
in my library

i think i will read it !!!

brightest blessings
susan
white lotus star
the eXchanger

[lock'N'load]

Hey ceilidh (i hope i spelled that right!)

Yup, i learned how to play the tin whistle when i was 8 .. and i suppose when my grandad died my music died with him. He was my teacher, and i felt a bit empty anytime i played the music after his departure which was a day after my birthday four years ago.

Your more then right, anytime i play an instrument i get such a buzz especially if people around me are enjoying it. I dont really play it for myself and if i dont have a crowd its nothing that appeals to me, i think a guitar is in the works

[Captain Obvious]

Hi lock'N'load. I used to put a lot of effort trying to make others happy, because it was said be be good, and I really strived to be good. Got exhausted, and gradually learnt to receive too. To put it this way, I'm not playing tennis anymore with persons just standing there. But yeah, still fun to raise the spirits of both myself and friends, but doing it for my reasons now, not trying to live up to something. Not because I feel I have to, but because I want to, and other times I don't want to. Sounds like the upcoming change might be a cool time for you. Best of luck.

[cantaloupe]

I'm having a difficult time too. It seems like what's just ahead is going to be a sea change of a magnitude and suddenness that makes it all feel bewildering. It feels like a void right now- because the changes necessary to solve our present problems need to be so profound, my ideas of what to do to prepare are withuot much mooring. My hunch is that human nature being what it is, the pressure will have to increase before we become present enough as a species to come through what we've created so far and move to our next stage/state.
It sounds like you have considerable awareness l'nl- we will need you!
Obama is right about at least this- Yes, we can.

[lock'N'load]

Originally Posted by JesterTerrestrial

Don't worry. I got you man!

http://www.best-self-help-sites.com/...vibration.html

THANK YOU!

lol, its amazing that. You gave me my own forgoten pick me up. Id completely forgotten about that site, and others like it to pick me up whenever i fell!

Ive set it as my homepage now so i wont forget again. Again, many many thanks

[JesterTerrestrial]

Hey no problem...just trying to do my part for the ground crew ya know...up lift my people!

As a friend once wrote in my rhyme book

LIFE IS MYSTERIOUS DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUS

[Sherab]

I think learning to receive is the key. Learn to look for sources of love all around you, and be open to deeply receiving that love. Eventually, that love will fill you up and pour out all over everything and everyone around, and be transformed into compassion for all those around, all of us, that are feeling/have felt that same despair. That compassion and love being received and then flowing out becomes an inexhaustible source of fuel to be able to hold all that suffering, that is not just yours, but all of ours, and to see through to the beauty of the whole game, and to make a real difference in this world. Let go and bathe in the love all around you, to the core of your being.

[Free-UFO-Videos]

Originally Posted by Ceilidh_Madigan@yahoo.com

... learning a musical instrument ...

Very well said.

Yes, it's tough studying all the intelligence data and the horror of the mistakes some people with millions of dollars are doing to hurt others.

That's why this forum is so important.

And as Ceilidh_Madigan said, get creative.
Paint some stuff that you care or know about.
Or learn a musical instrument.
I've been playing wooden pan flutes recently.
I get busy in Photoshop and paint and weed my old mums garden and help friends with their computers and software study to clear myself out sometimes. Also, don't let the scum of the Earth get you down.

Sometimes it is important to focus on those people that are really trying their best as a 'Light Worker'.
eg. Peter Gersten, Michael Moore, Peter Davenport, Stephen Bassett,
Dr Steven Greer, Alfred L Webre, Jeffrey Wigand, and many other good folks



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