Feeling un-motivated and quite out of place. And LOTS of paranormal stuff happening!

[Irving]

This thread is totally awesome.

I've been surely having a hard time as of lately but have been trying to enjoy every second of the mystery unfold. The biggest reason I have been having a hard time is because of incredibly out of control asthma that I stupidly fueled by smoking cigarettes for years, then being involved in a house fire, and then working an industrial job sandblasting and machine spray painting. I have since quit smoking and I have been struggling to deal with this issue for quite some time but I have still not yet been able to find help to pin down exactly what is wrong with me. I'm afraid at 24 I very possibly already have some sort of permanent lung/bronchial damage that even further aggravates asthma. I struggle to talk and have lost much of the depth and deepness of my voice. This has basically been crippling me as my body feels much like a prison from which I cannot properly communicate from. I constantly avoid hanging out and seeing friends because it depresses me that I cannot properly communicate. I feel like these are my postmodern years because me earlier reckless lifestyle and full tilt rock n' roll attitude have chewed me up and spit me out to be the slightly bitter and damaged person that I am now.

Otherwise I love life and love to be able to be a solid voice of reason and logic during these changing times, but my respiratory problem unfortunately limits me very much. I used to party hard, do occasional drugs of many varieties, play guitar in local and successful rock bands, all the while going to college, and graduating, with a bachelors degree in media studies and philosophy. I have spent many years figuring out what the reality of our world situation is and I feel like I have so much knowledge and information to share but I am not wielding my responsibility well. I have always loved my ability to take on and embrace both branches of intellectual truth searcher and have a good time recklessly rocking. I have surely gone through bouts of depression in the past as well as periods in life of pure ecstasy and I feel that I am now at a plateau where I am somewhat indifferent. I don't think I would shudder if I knew that I was going to die in an hour from now.

I luckily cook in a kitchen for work and I have just about the coolest boss ever, so he doesn't mind when I constantly show up hours late almost everyday. I am not making even enough money to get by and am increasingly spending on credit cards just to buy food. I have a college degree but feel unable to even want to search for a better job because I cannot talk or communicate properly and I know that our current system is about to crash to the ground anyway. I do indeed feel quite alone and trapped in my mind with the information that I have and I have become a bit reckless. I guess I have sort of a melancholy post-modern sadness and frustration while at the same time being meditative and totally living in the now and being happy and content just to hear the silence in between all of the chaos. It sounds contradictory, but it makes sense to me. lol.

I have a family who is utterly clueless as to what is going on and my attempts to enlighten them have been rather futile. I seem to be getting through to them a bit better but I am still far from actually having them seriously listen to me for advice. My father just purchased a large flat screen TV and a brand new Mazda two door convertible and I can't help but think that he is so immature. My older brother has a young baby and I am trying my hardest, through emails and communication, to gently inform them so that they can take precautions, but they just think that I am a conspiracy theorist. They are recklessly sleepwalking into the financial catastrophe and I am desperately trying to help them, but they just don't see it. I also feel pressure from my family to get a "career" and do something with my life. It's hard to tell them that the current paradigm is about to end and that I am killing time until the golden age arrives but that we had all better get seriously ready for some potential hard times during the transformation. Somehow they don't take me seriously when I talk about this, haha. I am now reading Peter Schiff's "Crash Proof" to become better informed to help my family get a fighting chance.

Damn, I could just go on and on about my current state of affairs and how discouraged I sometimes am. haha. My current health condition and other factors have convinced me to not even really to try to survive in the coming years, I want to, but I am just going to go down with the ship. At such a young age I'm already so tired and feel like I'm much older than my actual age. I am ready for ANYTHING to happen to finally force the masses to be involved. In the meantime I still run a blog and I write a lot, so maybe I can do my part to help awaken some more people.

I would agree with all of you that it is very difficult to continue doing the routine tasks of this dying paradigm when you know its all about to end!

I often dream and daydream about the coming utopia and golden age where my health has returned and my family, friends, and girlfriend who left me, understand where I, and others like me, have been coming from for all these years. haha. I can't wait. This post is a little long and probably depressing as hell, haha, but I had to vent I guess. Bring on tomorrow, man. I'm waiting and watching.