Quotes and jokes!

[Brinty]

A motorcycle cop saw a woman driver knitting while she was driving. He rode up alongside and pointing to the side of the road yelled, "Pull over."
She yelled back, "No, scarf."

[Dantheman62]

Originally Posted by Brinty

A motorcycle cop saw a woman driver knitting while she was driving. He rode up alongside and pointing to the side of the road yelled, "Pull over."
She yelled back, "No, scarf."

Oh man that's funny!!!!!

[Dantheman62]

BEAR REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof; then, I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

[Brinty]

An elderly woman driver was seen to be driving erratically and was pulled over by a cop who suspected she was drunk in charge. He asked if she had been drinking, she told him, "Yes, I've had two beers, three double bourbons and a four glasses of wine. He then asked to see her licence. "I don't have one." she replied,
Startled, the cop asked if it was her car, "No," she replied, "I shot the owner with my gun and took the car."
The cop was worried by her admission and radioed for urgent backup. "Where is the owner now," he asked. She replied, "I stuffed him in the boot."
Within two minutes three police cars arrived and the occupants leaped out with guns at the ready.
The superior officer spoke to the cop who told him that the woman had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot, stolen the car and that she didn't have a drivers licence and she had been drinking.

The senior officer walked cautiously up to the woman's window and asked her to open the trunk, which she did. There was no body in there. Looking at the cop who had pulled her up, he then said to the woman, "Where's your gun?" She replied , "I don't have a gun."
Looking at the cop again the officer then asked her, "Do you have a driver's licence?"
"Yes," said the woman and reached into her handbag. "Is this your car?" "Yes," replied the woman showing him the proof of ownership. Puzzled, the officer said, "This man told me that you told him this wasn't your car, you had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot and and that you had no driver's licence."
"Hmph! He probably told you I'd been drinking as well."

[Dantheman62]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[raulduke]

These are indeed troubled and desperate time we are living in.
I can provide the very wise and comforting answer to the ultimate question though:

The answer is 42.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aboZctrHfK8

Oh yeah, this is important too.

Don't Panic......and always bring a towel.

[Dantheman62]

Classic rd, and funny too!

[Swanny]

People will forget what you said ... ..
People will forget what you did ... ..
But people will never forget how you made them feel.....


An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an ar$ehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours*

[Dantheman62]

Great joke Swanny!

[Swanny]

I'm not paranoid......
I KNOW they are watching me