Quotes and jokes!

[Brinty]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby and met with President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,
'You know I have just one question about what I have seen in America.'

President Bush said,
'Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.'

The Iranian whispered,
'My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek.'

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
'It's because it takes place in the future.'

[Antaletriangle]

Yes Brinty,very funny and a bit of a sore one there me-thinks!!lol.

The blondes-do you fall into this category Brinty??!!

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail"


*****************

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

******************

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

******************


Did you hear about the blonde that...
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

******************


Did you hear about the blonde that...
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

******************

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

[Brinty]

A traffic cop sees a car puttering along on the highway at 22km/h. So he pulls the car over and as he approaches it, he notices that there's a blonde driving with four passengers. All the passengers were white as ghosts with wide open staring eyes.

"I wasn't speeding, officer," says the blonde."

"You weren't speeding, no, but we can't have cars traveling too much slower than the limit because they can be dangerous to other cars."

"But I was doing exactly the speed limit, 22, officer."

"22 isn't the speed limit," replied the cop, "that's the route number. But before I let you go, I have to ask: is everybody in this car okay? These ladies seem awfully shaken and haven't said a single word."

"Oh, they'll be right in a minute officer, we just got off route 190."

[Brinty]

A tough outback farmer told his grandson that if he wanted to live to a ripe old age, he should sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal each morning. The grandson did this religiously each morning for the rest of his life and lived to the ripe old age of 98.

When he died, he left 14 children, 35 grandchildren, 40 great-grandchildren . . . . and a 6m hole in the crematorium wall.

[Dantheman62]

Great set of jokes A and Brinty HaHaHa

[Brinty]

Two nuns were driving through Europe. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at traffic lights. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and blood dripping from his fangs, hisses at them.
"Quick, quick, what shall we do?" cries Sister Mary.
"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That should get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary turns the wipers on and they knock Dracula about a bit but he still manages to hang on.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Turn the windscreen washers on. I filled them with holy water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary turns the washers on. Dracula screams as the water burns him but he still hangs on.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary and she opens her window and shouts . . . . "GET THE F**K OFF OUR CAR!"

[Brinty]

Four blokes were sitting at a bar in a tavern in India. At the next table sat a young blonde.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second fellow replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third guy said, "You both have it wrong, it's WOOM."
The last bloke says, "No, it has to be WOOMMMBBB."

At this, the blonde can stand it no longer. She gets up, walks over to the blokes and says, "Look you dumb asses, it's WOMB. That's all there is to it." Then she stomps out of the bar.

Eventually, one of the guys breaks the stunned silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never heard an elephant fart."

[THE eXchanger]

i have all your catZ

http://www.coverpop.com/pop/lolcats/

(move your cursor to any spot on the portrait and click)

quite a few very funny cat pictures with commentS

[Brinty]

Speaking of elephants . . . . . A jeweller rings the police to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened sergeant. A truck backed up to my shop, the doors opened, and an elephant came out. He broke the plate glass window, put his trunk through the hole, and sucked up all the jewellery. He climbed back into the truck, closed the doors and the truck sped off."
The sergeant asked, "Did you notice whether it was an Indian elephant or and African one?"
"Oh, what's the difference?" asked the puzzled jeweller.
"Well," says the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant only has small ones."
"No, can't help you there sergeant, I didn't see the ears, he had a stocking over his head."

[Dantheman62]

Arrrgh

[capreycorn]

Originally Posted by Dantheman62

Arrrgh

[Swanny]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class
one morning and she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven...
which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'

'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted

[Swanny]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. May I stay the night?"
>
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
>
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man's car breaks down in front of the same monastery.
>
The monks again accept him, feed him and fix his car.
>
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.
>
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply was, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
>
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
>
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
>
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He informs the monks, "I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
>
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
>
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
>
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key"?
>
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
>
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
>
The monks give him the key and he opens the door, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.
>
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door".
>
The man is relieved. He unlocks the door, turns the knob and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
>

>

>

>

>
>
>

>

>

. . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Antaletriangle]

Bloomin puddled man!!!lol.

[Antaletriangle]

Last Will And Testament
Of A Farmer

I Leave:

To my wife--My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

To my son--Equity on my car. Now he'll have to work to meet the payments.

To my banker--My soul. He has the Mortgage on it anyway.

To my neighbor--My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

To EmH.A..--My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me and I want to do something for them.

To A.S.C.S.--My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

To the Farm Advisor--50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market.

To the SCS--My farm plan. Maybe they can understand it.

To the Junk Man--All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.

To my undertaker--A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.

To the weatherman--Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral, please. No sense in having good weather now.

To the gravedigger--Don't bother. The hole I am in should be big enough.

To the Monument Maker--Set up a jig for the epitaph, "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

Author Unknown

[Dantheman62]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and
you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can
remember about that f.....g party, you're lucky you don't bark!

[Antaletriangle]

Funny Dan!

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."


The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"


The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over.."


The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."


The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,just to be fair, I will give you a head start."


The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.


The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by.


He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.


The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."




Moral of this story? .

1) You don't get old being a fool!

2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

3) Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS !

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Darth Vader at Xmas

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Darth Vader is sitting at the dinner table at xmas eve, he takes a long slow breath....turns to luke Skywalker and announces...

" I know what you have for xmas young skywalker"

"thats impossible...how do you know that"? asks Luke

Vader replies " Easy... I felt your presence
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Thunder God went for a ride,
upon his favorite filly.

"I'm Thor!", he cried!

The horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly..."

[Antaletriangle]

There are 10 to the 11th power of stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number.
But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit!
We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
Richard Feynman

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[Brinty]

A turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. When a detective sent to investigate the incident asked, "can you explain exactly how many there were and whether they had any features that could identify them?"

The turtle blinked a couple of times then replied, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

[Swanny]

Chicken Surprise
> >
> > A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
> > The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
> >
> > Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
> > and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
> > lid slams back down.
> >
> > 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
> > asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
> > and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
> >
> > Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
> > and demands an explanation.
> >
> > 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
> >
> > The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

[Swanny]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.
In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Dantheman62]

NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
>
> This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
> advantage of the
> government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
>
>
> The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
> documentary on how
> unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of
> wheels in less than
> 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's
> existing crew could
> only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of
> high tech equipment.
> It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by
> Gordon's management team
> as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon
> got more than he
> bargained for!
>
>
>
> At the crew's first practice session, not only was the
> inexperienced crew
> able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within
> 12 seconds they had
> changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the
> car to Dale Jr. for
> 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
> Gordon's wife in the
> shower.