Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

[dynamo]

Something that has me confused over the past few years (I am not so "rushed" at this point in my life and make more time for being pensive, so to speak)...

When talking to people, be it about the weather, current events, family issues, work or what have you, it seems that most people interrupt before the person speaking is finished.

This includes family, friends, colleagues or strangers.

It makes me wonder if the people involved in the conversation are actually listening and understanding the topic or if they have already, consciously or subconsciously, determined their response before the speaker is finished talking.

This leads to the question:
"Are they actually listening or are they planning their response from the first few words, from which they feel they already know what the entire sentence(s) will be?".

My friends, with whom I share similar interests, seem to be the ones who listen, analyze and then respond.
My Father and Children are other people with similar traits as those above.
Some other members of my Family, including my Mother, Sister and Wife, fall into the category of "ready to answer before the conversation is finished".

Any thoughts on this?

[Wind]

The art of listening is a skill too and it's not appreciated enough I would say.

Too many people are just opionated and they're not interested in dialogue, they just want to express their opinions because they already think that they are correct. That's not a proper way to have a discussion and it becomes tiresome very fast. You have to be willing to learn in order to have any meaningful conversations. I suppose that people who are on the same "wavelength" so to speak, will much more easily understand each others.

LLC9pwAEu6o

[Rawhide68]

I think its quite simple
Today when you are bombarded by thousends of decissions from when you go up from bed til you to sleep, there is no room in mind to listen to others, your mind is set for survival , and survival means you talk about your problems to others, and they dont listen, so its a bad spiral.

[Rich]

It can take a long time to listen especially if the other person talks a lot and/or slowly.

[Rebecca]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D5hMN_XkPQA

The short video in the link above goes into this briefly. The speaker talks about how people should wait until someone is completely finished talking before responding in a conversation

[Hervé]

... communicate in German... one has to wait till the end of a sentence before being able to know what the beginning is all about :)

[Bill Ryan]

I was checking out in Whole Foods once (a large health food store in the US), and the guy at the desk asked me, automatically, in the semi-hypnotized, all-American way:



— "Good morning, Sir, how are you doing today?"I looked him in the eye, and asked him:



— "If I really told you the truth, would you want to know?"
That woke him from his trance. I could tell he was a good man. He stopped in his tracks, and said:



— "Yes, actually, I would."
I replied:



— "Thanks! Actually, I'm feeling really good today, and I'm pleased I connected with you this way."
We both smiled, and shook hands. Still smiling, I paid for my things and left.

[Rawhide68]

... communicate in French... one has to kill himself and get reborn in France so he can commuicate at all, In repond to Hervé
I have a story to back it up.

Short version:Back in the 80´s I was interrailing across europe, in Paris I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes called Gauoallioss, and the man in the stand said "uh", then I pointed at the damn thing on the shelf, right behind him.
And he still pretended that he didn´t understand any of what I said.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gauloises

[Bill Ryan]

... communicate in French... one has to kill himself and get reborn in France so he can commuicate at all, In repond to Hervé

You may have missed Hervé's joke (which was quite funny :) ) — that in German, one HAS to listen to the end of the sentence.

:focus:

[Rawhide68]

Thanks Bill (I have studied german language for 4 years)
Lets not forget the importance of the subject sent from Dynamo, wich I think is a very good question

[meeradas]

When talking to people, be it about the weather, current events, family issues, work or what have you, it seems that most people interrupt before the person speaking is finished.
...

This leads to the question:
"Are they actually listening or are they planning their response from the first few words, from which they feel they already know what the entire sentence(s) will be?"...

Oh dear, what a sinchronicity [leaving the wrong spelling as it happened]...

i am witness to/ involved in this for a week now (was supposed to be a holiday, but what did i expect, visiting... family?)...
it's hardly bearable - i mean the cacophony of simultaneously not-yet-ending and already-starting speech from opposite directions... i totally despise it.


It can take a long time to listen especially if the other person talks a lot and/or slowly.

Yeah great... not only a long time but also some serious self-control, if you have to listen to someone who is saturated with self-importance (i do hope that this doesn't "come with age")...


...
He stopped in his tracks, and said:



— "Yes, actually, I would."
I replied:



— "Thanks! Actually, I'm feeling really good today, and I'm pleased I connected with you this way."
We both smiled, and shook hands. Still smiling, I paid for my things and left.

Gentlemen! Chapeau.


I'm doing sth similar quite often "on the job", whenever a conversation with a client seems desirable, and it almost always yields interesting results; recommendable.



PS:


... communicate in German... one has to wait till the end of a sentence before being able to know what the beginning is all about :)

https://www.cs.utah.edu/~gback/awfgrmlg.html :biggrin1:

[Michelle Marie]

Something that has me confused over the past few years (I am not so "rushed" at this point in my life and make more time for being pensive, so to speak)...

When talking to people, be it about the weather, current events, family issues, work or what have you, it seems that most people interrupt before the person speaking is finished.

This includes family, friends, colleagues or strangers.

It makes me wonder if the people involved in the conversation are actually listening and understanding the topic or if they have already, consciously or subconsciously, determined their response before the speaker is finished talking.

This leads to the question:
"Are they actually listening or are they planning their response from the first few words, from which they feel they already know what the entire sentence(s) will be?".

My friends, with whom I share similar interests, seem to be the ones who listen, analyze and then respond.
My Father and Children are other people with similar traits as those above.
Some other members of my Family, including my Mother, Sister and Wife, fall into the category of "ready to answer before the conversation is finished".

Any thoughts on this?

I think it is polite and prudent to listen until the end. But as far as 'why' it is happening, there could be a number of reasons. Some may not be really focusing on listening and waiting to put forth their point.

Another reason is because information can be received as 'energy packets' and received telepathically and instantaneously. There has been an information transfer that does not require all the words to be spoken.

We may be headed toward more telepathic communication in the near future.

In the meantime, we need to allow people who are speaking to complete the information conveyance because necessary processing is taking place. We also need that sense of completion in speaking our truth as a matter of expression. It's like expiration. We need to exhale as much air as we take in. We feel best if we allow full expression.

I just gave a reading to someone who interrupts, and she brought it up, and she is aware that she needs to improve her listening skills. It's good when people become aware and try to make conscious improvements.

Also, we use others as our mirrors so we can take a look at our own listening skills. If we are modeling good listening skills, then we need to communicate boundaries, or explain how we feel when we are interrupted. When you say how you feel rather than pointing fingers at the error, it usually opens their heart for receptivity to change. These are people who care about you and your feelings. Just a little shared awareness goes a long way!

This is where I'm at with my current listening lessons and experience. It's probably universal. :star:

:heart: MM :sun:

[Michi]

There is a great quote that fits well to the subject:

“When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
So listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to
you.” - Anon.

[Cognitive Dissident]

So many interesting thoughts here.

But let's just keep it simple: try waiting for the person you are talking to, to finish their sentence, before you start talking. Most people don't do that. If you do that, consistently, you will note a big change in how people relate to you. Simply because it's unusual, and so much nicer to talk to a person like that.

[Satori]

I think a lot depends on the setting in which the communication or conversation is taking place and, in turn, whether the listener(s) respects the speaker and what he or she has to say, or at a minimum, whether the listener(s) considers the topic under discussion important to him or her in some way.

I also believe that, in general, if the conversation is one in which the listener(s) is expected to respond, often times one who appears to be listening is in fact thinking about what he or she is going to say. That is often the source of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and various types of fallout that follow from that.

There are many reasons why even "good listeners" do not listen on some occasions and why "poor listeners" do listen on occasion.

Part of the reason for this may, and probably does, find its roots in the whirlwind, hyperspeed, technology driven, need-for-immediate-gratification world we find ourselves living in at this time.

[Bob]

Something that has me confused over the past few years (I am not so "rushed" at this point in my life and make more time for being pensive, so to speak)...

When talking to people, be it about the weather, current events, family issues, work or what have you, it seems that most people interrupt before the person speaking is finished.
[..]

Any thoughts on this?

My humble thought - one should not be talking TO people - one talks with people.

There is no arrogance nor elevation of ego with one talking WITH..

[Bill Ryan]

... communicate in German... one has to wait till the end of a sentence before being able to know what the beginning is all about :)

https://www.cs.utah.edu/~gback/awfgrmlg.html :biggrin1:

Priceless!! Thank you. :bigsmile:

:focus:

[Mike]

in the semi-hypnotized, all-American way:

..I do most of my grocery shopping late at night. The semi hypnotized all-american cashiers' way also involves frequently saying "have a nice day" at 10 o' clock in the evening. It's unreal.

There was a period of time when a friend of mine was suicidal. All sorts of bad things happening to him then. The amazing thing was, he still retained his sense of humor. When asked "how are you today?" he would frequently launch into everything that was going on in his life, and delight in the level of discomfort it caused. ("How am I? Whew! Well, my girlfriend of 3 years just ran off with my close friend, I just lost my last dollar playing poker, my dog died a couple days ago, my Mom has cancer....")

And right when the poor bastard who'd asked the question thought he was off the hook, my buddy would say something like, "And another thing!.." and launch into another whole litany of problems he was having. It was utterly hilarious.

Once at the Orange County Marketplace in California, this older man asked him how he was doing, and he started his act again. This poor guy must have listened for 4-5 mins as my buddy rattled off his usual complaints. The guy was rattled LOL. He left our area and started walking off, attempting to escape...and I watched as my friend followed him for about 50 yards, still jabbering about his issues. I was in tears. It was truly Kaufman-esque.

[Joe from the Carolinas]

Conversations in person aren't just verbal. They are also non-verbal. Paul Eckman has done some excellent research on facial microcues/microexpressions, so it could be that people who interrupt are responding to nonverbal cues from the speaker.

Additionally, physical placement of the interactive dyad influences the way a conversation occurs-- see some of sociologist Irving Goffman's work (such as his books, Behavior in Public Places and Interaction Ritual: Essays on Face-to-Face Behavior.

You can say all the right things, but be standing a certain manner, and the conversation will end.

"Listening" or being receptive to the speaker is also nonverbal :)

[ghostrider]

There is an old saying , be slow to speak and quick to listen ... people's minds move faster these days, most haven't found their footing in this new age...

[Tam]

I actually have this problem. It's a flaw I'm working on, so you will hear input on this one from a guilty party. Maybe it will help give more insight.
I have the nasty habit of interrupting people fairly frequently, always at the end of their sentences. I don't mean to do it most of the time, and it certainly doesn't come from disinterest/a feeling that what I have to say is more important, though it's often understandably interpreted as such.

For me, I noticed it stems from a sort of impatience, because people often give loads of details before getting to the point. As such, I find myself trying to speed it up a bit, which is, to say the least, not the nicest thing to do. The great irony here is that, if you look at my post history, you'll find that I tend to be quite wordy and ramble a lot. Talk about hypocrisy.

I could go into detail as to why there's a dichotomy between my speech and written communication, but I would digress. I have a point, ultimately, I'm building up to here :)

I have suspected that maybe this impatience has something to do with my age, which I will explain.

I was born in 1996, which means I came of age in the era of the internet, smartphones, and being constantly connected. While my family made a point never to allow cable television in the house, we were given free reign online.

The mainstream internet and social media, of which, when you're my age, you're positively steeped in, is broken up (deliberately) into bite-sized pieces. You can't even read a news article anymore without 3 ad breaks throughout the text (I use an ad blocker on my PC, but am frequently browsing on my phone, so no blocker there). A video longer than 15 minutes is considered tedious. I won't even get into how Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and Snapchat are all pretty much drip-feeds.

When you're brought up in this flash world, where your brain is never given time to actually think and just...be, you become very impatient. I have noticed it's a trademark of my generation; all instant gratification. I myself am no exception. This is doubly true for Americans. The culture here is very superficial, shallow and materialistic. My theory is we have the rabid consumerism that had infected America to blame for that.

There's a reason why ADD/ADHD is so common now. While it is undoubtedly severely overdiagnosed (a whole other can of worms, that), it nevertheless seems to be exceedingly common, even if you reduce the rates by 70% to account for the...margin of error.
We've all been trained to think in 3-minute, 180-character intervals. This is totally unnatural.

I can't speak for everyone, and this is just my observational theory, but I figured I'd chime in with my 2 cents. I make a point to avoid almost all social media. You won't find me on Instagram, Snapchat, or Twitter. I have a FB I log onto maybe three or four times a year to keep in contact with a handful of people. Without meaning to sound pompous, being deliberately severed from SM at my age is a rarity indeed.

So I can only imagine how much worse the impatience must be among my own people, as it were :)
I'm not sure what the median age on Avalon is, but I'd reckon not many members here would write full posts like this one on their smartphones, as I am right now. Not that I blame you. My thumbs are starting to cramp up.

Let me know if I'm flattering myself here, but I like to think I can occasionally offer first-hand insight into the millennials. I get why we're such a mystery to you older folks; we're the first generation to live in this crazy new Age, so we're bound to seem almost alien. We're a whole new beast, after all, and only beginning to understand the implications and long-term impact of the Information Age.

[meeradas]

Don't forget to breathe. And feel. Slows things down.
The mental is not the place to dwell all the time.

[dynamo]

Thank you for the fantastic insights!
Maybe I am getting a little "long in the tooth" so perhaps I should be the one adjusting to this new paradigm.
As I said, I've only noticed this recently so perhaps I was the one not listening too well in the past?
Whatever the case may be, I will not get offended when getting cut-off mid-sentence any more...I hope LOL!

[Valerie Villars]

I went to Galatoires to eat with my cousin Jude. Jude was in the Air Force, very intellectual and a beautiful man. Very thoughtful. I can be impetuous, curious, bubbling. We were having a conversation, or so I thought, when Jude said "Shut up Valerie." No judgement on his part.

I shut up and listened.

[Helene West]

good observation by Indigris on her generation. It's not easy to be in the midst of something and step back for a moment with some self-evaluation and objectivity.
I would also venture about todays's young that many are raised by people who are paid to look after them, i.e. daycare centers. besides our young being ON 24/7 to the instant wireless world many are raised very different than 2 generations ago. no matter how good the daycare center, take away their salaries and the 'caring' goes away. just another layer of the onion

[ramus]

I have come to realize that: if they don't ask they don't hear : so if you start the conversation, you're just exercising your jaw , and that isn't always bad. The key which takes work, is to create a situation or conversation that makes them ask.

[meeradas]

The 'conversations' i had to 'endure' this past week were... basically contradictions only;
no real commnunication taking place, just opinions slammed into the other (of course, started before the other was finished with their statement).

The miracle happened today - when all gunpowder was exhausted (i.e. folks were done with their own talk, at last),
there was a small "clearing", a precious moment of non-verbal equilibrium, and out of this instant,
we had a great, totally different day with virtually no talk, out in nature. Heartopening.

Importance of audible statements faded; the little conversation that took place was, mostly, without words.

Nice.

[Caliban]

Thank you for the fantastic insights!
Maybe I am getting a little "long in the tooth" so perhaps I should be the one adjusting to this new paradigm.
As I said, I've only noticed this recently so perhaps I was the one not listening too well in the past?
Whatever the case may be, I will not get offended when getting cut-off mid-sentence any more...I hope LOL!

dynamo, even if it's a "new paradigm," it doesn't mean it's a good paradigm. As I get older I do notice that I can anticipate a lot of what people are moving towards saying. Some of that is that most people are predictable and say the same things you've heard many times before.

A lot of this phenomenon is what Indigris brilliantly offered above -- the wretched way we've become distraction-addicted by the technology. I feel bad for her generation, unless their parents tutor them on the "old ways," they won't know anything different. Walk on any city street, look in any cafe or restaurant window -- they're all staring into the little screens. I mean, continually, compulsively. This addiction will have to be addressed sooner or later.

People like to be listened to. Especially your closest ones. And listening is about far more than just words. There's silence, pauses, meanings in gestures and expressions, rhythms of speech. Listening is an art, it's a cultivation. It's an awareness. And giving others that space to be listened to is a great gift.

[Wind]

What do many parents to do their toddlers these days? Give them electronical devices to play with. Who needs babysitters when you can do that? It's has it's up and downsides. You may see increase in intelligence and technical proficiency, but also see a decrease in the quality of human interactions & decrease in empathy and in concentration. In fact I think we already are witnessing it.

Silence is golden too. Why speak if you have nothing meaningful to say?

Sometimes the most meaningful way of communication is completely nonverbal. For example, when you look another human being in their eyes and see the beauty which lies there. What could possibly be more profound than that?

[Hym]

I talk to listen, to hear, to absorb the humanity, the adventure, the difficulties they've gone thru and to understand, to bridge the spaces we have between us. From all I have experienced, many are not good or even adequate at communicating their humanity to each other and the deep, a-d-d.-isorder, intentionally programmed, pseudo-social media is a major part of it all. Lost in these decades is the power brought in by souls meant to contribute, not to the technocracy but to the evolving growth and cleansing of this human space. You don't have to stand out or belong to a system of communication that is so superficial anyway, but you should be heard.

I am told so many interesting things by people. The truths in their stories, the details, the humor, the suffering that comes from almost everyone I listen to. Sometimes it is just the listening that marks a viable purpose in my day. I highly value those times when I've heard a lot.

I hear confirmation of many things I have experienced, theories others have put out that are verified by those stories I hear and the truth in the gestures, the intensities or the resolve to endure the injustices they have passed thru. Listening to my own life is rarely of any interest to me, even as the confirmation of living a certain way, some purposeful living, helps even as stark as it has seemed to others to be...to me it is the same way I have always been. What is interesting is how others have dealt with their adversities. I cannot describe how powerful and how deep these things go into my being when I hear them, recognizing the power in being there to really listen and my confirmation of that intensity in my ability to recall those experiences with others.

It is of note that I know I haven't asked enough questions or judged how closed off some people are earlier in meeting. That and growing up in an extremely large family where it is common to finish each other's sentences and just get on without it being a problem for anyone. Knowing that and thinking that way it is good before starting any interaction, as it is based on a non-verbal truth.

If I were to have spent my life listening to the human response to a greeting, a Hello, a How are you today?, a Hi....I would place it highly in any healing I would have shared.

[Flash]

well, the most drastic way to learn how to listen has been for me

test through fire: to raise a daughter with severe partial aphasia (dysphasia), it would take her one full hour to be able to make up a more or less complete sentence. I had to wait and listen, not to discourage her, it was tougher on her than on me

but, I absolutely wanted her to speak, at any price - for the sake of being able to speak and this is while waiting for hours that I learned she was bullied, who did it, or that she could not go to her dad because it made her extremely sad hearing him constantly talking against her mother or that she loved singning and would speak better through music and songs.

I learned extreme patience and good listening skills, as well as concurrent observation of non verbal skills

------------

Another extremely good way to learn how to listen has been training adult groups for 18 years, 12 to 16 at a time, 7 hours a day, changing working environment and workers trade almost every second day. Teaching is the art of listening much before being the art of speaking.

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I do think that the attention span of people has diminished quite drastically in the last 10 years and therefore the ability to listen

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I speak and listen to French (mothertongue), English and now recuperated my Spanish skills, although listening abilities rest on basic skills in all language, the tones, speed, song of the language and grammatical structure changes for each and new abilities have to be developed consequently (same with non verbal language, many cues change)

[Mark (Star Mariner)]

("How am I? Whew! Well, my girlfriend of 3 years just ran off with my close friend, I just lost my last dollar playing poker, my dog died a couple days ago, my Mom has cancer....")

So true mate, Whenever I ask someone, "so, how are you?" I am very often quietly thinking to myself, respond in one or two words only please, then stop talking. Imagine how rude it would be if I'd said that out loud! I don't mean to be - I do want to know how they are, but sometimes people are very eager to talk about absolutely everything that's happening in their personal universe at that moment.

[Satori]

I think it was the philosopher Epictetus who said, and I paraphrase but it's pretty close, that: We have one mouth and two ears so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

[wnlight]

I assume that you are not including those people that never stop talking so that you cannot respond without interrupting.

Actually, I have that problem of interrupting people whenever I perceive what they are saying. I will look at the concept that letting them verbally complete their thoughts is good therapy for them and for me.

[Mike Gorman]

An excellent observation dynamo, when people talk out there in suburbia, in waiting rooms, in super markets, in their lounge rooms they are so very often simply running the daily tapes, the communication loops which serve us and protect us from needing to think too closely.
Additionally, even in situations where more extended conversation takes place, at parties, at cocktail hour, at events and official functions, people seem to have their own agenda, they keep others at bay and simply wish to promote their own view points, impose their opinions.
Quite right! All of our society, all of our civilization is about communication. We are the communication beings, this is what identifies human beings, we talk!
People form their own ideas, they develop a conclusive picture of who they are dealing with-and they respond to your narratives according to this template!
We are afraid of 'here and now' communication, we are confronted by actually listening because we like to think we have it all pegged (like 'Frasier') and worked out!
It is a strange game.
When someone does manage to break through the hypnotic trance of daily communication rituals, we think they are 'strange'-our pattern recognition is broken!

[Alpha141]

Hi all,

What you may actually find...You may be in authentic truth. Expressing yourself based upon living a life based upon authenticity. Thus expressing a powerful frequency. And, feel you have some information that is beneficial for them to integrate. I am sure many of you do actually 'tune' into them emphatically, most likely on an even greater intuitive level innately. What might be very powerful for you to observe. Is that while they seem to express some level of interest in what you say. It isn't actually what you are saying that they are interested. It is your energy field. And, that gives them a boost in their life they would otherwise not have access to. So, you would need to really learn to splice this subtly up and test it out. But it is probably one of many indicators that when combined offers that you have energy healing potentials. So, while your intent is offering some information. The purpose of the interaction is more likely for some purpose like this. Not having the awareness results in these things shared. You might be resolving what the interaction true purpose was about.

This took me many years of being a passenger to many things you have all shared here and many of my own. Just 'knowing' in the interactions what is right for a person. They be super amped up about it but then when you follow up. Absolutely no effort. Then there is also 'trigger' words and combinations. Just total egoic consciousness shut down because it challenges their reality so much the blocking you defuses it.

Here is some context and a suggestion. Step back a bit and really see their state they go in. Might be an Alpha / Theta / Meditative deeper than normal thing. I just suggest this. Because if you are one of the few in the human community into things like this. They, some part of you is in alignment with Earth....and aiding her whether you know it or not. So, what she does is allocate gifts / talents to those who prove themselves by actions. living a life based on truth, authenticity, seeking the best for humanity and her etc. Exhibit that.

Might be a bit from left field. The guy i operate with (Andrew Bartzis) says humanity is going to need a billion healers for what is to unfold. You guys are all the regional anchors for it scattered all over the globe. There are so many dormant out there with no context that they are....I feel it is important to aid identifying traits. Accept it could be your possibility. That accepting of possibility and not closing off by default (thus mirror interaction)...then may be the key to unlocking those you interact with to have an outcome sought.

Cheers