View Full Version : A Moment of Weakness/Uncertainty

Starry Knight
8th March 2012, 23:13
Hey Avalon Peeps. Not sure how much if any of what I'm about to rant about will make any sense, but I haven't really felt like I had anywhere else to turn. I'm trying to be honest with myself in admitting that part of this is just whining, but I've also got many serious and relevant questions, the answers to which are either elusive, beyond my power to gain (since they could only come from the other party involved in this story) or I just don't know where to look for them. If there any answers to be had.

The whole episode seems so silly even to me in many ways, it will probably sound like an irrelevant personal anecdote that I shoulda kept to myself or like some almost Jerry Springer drama that I just need to get over. I know that I should be like...tougher than this, smarter, able to shrug it all off and move on. But I'm just having that moment of weakness stated in the title.

...so I've been working at the local bookstore in my town for a good 9 years. Up until 2008 I couldn't have been more "average". Funny how I can say that now, looking back with different awareness and perspective, and perceive even "average" as anything but. Anyway, my tipping point toward the esoteric, asking the bigger questions of life and trying to gain some kind of idea of who and what I was came after watching/listening to Ron Paul -a strange and pretty weak wake-up call compared to some I guess, and certainly I have a drastically different opinion of him and politics in general as of the last 4-5 years, but there it is, that was my catalyst.

Skipping ahead to August time-frame of last year, I was poised on a bizarre precipice. On the one hand, I was disillusioned, disenchanted, feeling cynical and ostracized, small and insignificant, ignorant and just plain...bewildered.

On the other hand, I had never been so galvanized, so aware of my awareness, so compelled to say better things, do better things...just generally BE something better than I had been. Within my head floated many a lofty concept, higher ideals, considerations of macro as opposed to micro, seeing the whole as nothing more than the sum of its parts...and so on. In the best way I knew how (which is to say, clumsily, most often) I began to be the change I wanted to see. Spoke up about what I had learned when I could, as patiently and eloquently as I could.

Yeah, pretty much hit brick walls.

But I persevered, because...there seemed little other choice. I believed in my new-found morality and general world-view like I had never believed (or cared about) anything, and, no matter my frustration, I felt the change coming over me becoming more deep-seated, more permanent the more I learned...reading, watching and listening.

Then (as so often these sort of stories go, I guess) along comes a lady. Here's where I begin to probably embarrass myself and/or give too much information. But there won't be proper perspective without it, methinks. I'm 29 and this co-worker was only 19-20. I'm single and am able to boast having had exactly one girl-friend in my entire life, having been sort of an awkward recluse who was content to chill with his SNES most of the time, upgrading through the years to Playstation and so on.

Suffice to say, Casanova Frankenstein, I was (and certainly still am) not.

However. My new perspectives afforded me what I believed was a keen insight into some of the problems this young lady was having, problems which I could hardly help but be aware of since she approached me one day at work while waiting to clock in, chatted me up for a few minutes and then...just sorta wouldn't go away. I had no idea at the time that it was just her nature, and found it strange that someone should willingly seek my company so often, given that I made no secret of my beliefs and often had a bit of a sour-puss face for my constant ruminating on weighty matters, which seemed to dissuade most from interacting me with outside of necessity.

Long story short, we became friendly (STRICTLY friendly, not sexual) and I slowly began to work in some higher concepts into our conversations, which had previously only been about mundane stuff, day-to-day drama. But as I think we all know, much of our daily worries are seeded in a corrupt soil, from which they endlessly spring, keeping us bogged down emotionally, financially, physically exhausted from running on the hamster wheel. Thus I sought to give her some possible insight into why her life might have been so chaotic. I was not trying to insist to her that I had all the answers, or that she would have some revelation similar to mine, only offering a new perspective. She wasn't really feeling it, no matter what I said or did.

Which brings me to the point, which really has less to do with her and more about me discovering, through my interaction with her, a level of empathy, caring and...just an ability to think and work on someone else's behalf. Being so newly re-enchanted with the world, I saw light behind people's eyes, knew them as more than their names and job and age, people began to seem...almost spooky to me, like ghosts walking around, energy in solid form. I was very aware of OTHER awareness looking back at me through another person's eyes. I just generally had I new appreciation for people.

It was about this time that I discovered Zeitgest. The original movie was enough to give one pause, to be sure...but it was actually Addendum and Moving Forward that shook me to my core. I'm a wanna be sci-fantasy writer, and the concept of a cashless society, presented so rationally, based on such a fantastic vision of humanity and morality and all that cheesy brotherhood stuff...I was just floored, because the main character of my story comes from such a society.

It was an idea that I had from years back, way before I even had what I guess I can tentatively call my "awakening". It was a concept that I knew even then (surely?) had some merit, and to suddenly have it related to me, alongside such other profound insights into reality...

I just couldn't take it anymore. About a week later, disgusted anew with what I had to endure in that retail store from 9-5, I walked out. Just left, offering only an apologetic note for my abrupt exit. But (and I don't know if swearing is ok here) but I suddenly saw, REALLY saw, what complete bull**** our economic system is. I really comprehended what short-sighted, philosophical nit-wits we have been, for so long now. I wasn't afraid of having no job. I would make do, I figured.

Sorry this has been so long, but I now come to the main theme of this rant. Where this first young lady was concerned, I was having even more of an emotional crisis. She, her boyfriend and myself hung out pretty often prior to my watching Addendum and Moving Forward, and, even though she was young, I had developed a strong affection for her, having put so much mental effort forward on her part, and often physical; giving her rides to/from work when she didn't have one, loaning her a little money when she was careless and her bank account went negative, that sort of thing. All this and more I did to try and boost her previously low sense of self-worth, inflicted upon her from past, abusive relationships. She had, apparently, been suicidal.

In fact, in recent weeks I have been quite dumbfounded and disturbed by the number of people, all in the SAME work environment, who have confessed having had suicidal tendencies, for one reason or another.

Anyway, being around this young lady and her guy (who is really an awesome guy fully and wholly deserving of being happy with a great girl) began to inspire feelings of great envy within me. Bordering on, and perhaps even crossing the line of jealousy. I hesitate even now to sort of toot my own horn, but over the course of my interaction with this young lady, I began to have an idea of how much I had to offer a potential companion, not just in a romantic way, but just as a friend. I began to wonder the hell I had been doing with myself for almost 30 years, what was it about me that had not attracted or enticed anyone, had I been so empty, so lame, so boring, not cute enough?

Petty concerns, superficial worries, perhaps, but...I'm only human, whatever that means these days. I'm just a guy, and I was very keenly aware of the fact that I was alone, with hardly an ear to burn, let alone a cute set of lips to smooch or a warm body to snuggle with.

So...enter lady #2, yet another co-worker. This lady was older than the first young lady, 27. I do have some...philosophical questions these days about what sort difference age really means, so long as the gap isn't TOO dramatic, but all that aside, by default this second woman was more (potentially) available, I thought. Having said all that though, I should stress that I tried to keep my romantic concerns as secondary through all this, finding the Message, so to speak, to be far more important. A romance as a side dish/bonus would have been nice, but it wasn't my top priority.

Some time before I "snapped" and left, many people had noticed something different about me, it showed in my face I guess, and they constantly prodded me, "Hey man what's wrong, wanna talk?" A fair amount of experience in attempting to reach young and old, male and female, told me at this point that my chances of finding a sympathetic ear were slim to nil, so I politely turned aside their queries and suffered quietly. But this second lady I mentioned, she was different. Or so I thought. One day while we had a moment of quiet and solitude, I asked her the "What do you think it's all for?" question, and she gave her answer, mentioning how she had read a book on Existentialism. It was a refreshing conversation and I thought that here might be someone I could actually have a dialogue with about something other than beer farts, Street Fighter and whether Twilight was a good vampire series.

After much hesitation, and still feeling anxious about putting myself on the line, knowing how emotionally fragile I was, I took a chance and approached her, wanting to know if she had some free time to chat one day. I wanted a woman's opinion on some different things, I told her, thinking that she could gimme some insight into how to deal with the situation regarding the first young lady, whom I was not speaking to at the time due to a mis-understanding/falling out we had, after I tried and failed to get her to sympathize with the stormy waters of feeling and thought I was navigating. This older lady (I'll just call her 27) and I exchanged numbers, and I thought that I had made a connection. 27 and I have been at that store for three or four years now, we haven't really been buddy buddy but she said many times how she respected and often sought out my opinion, and we just generally had a familiarity bred of the work-place shennanigans. Of course, I wasn't going to just keep laying on her heavy questions, I fully intended to really get to know her, ask what her family was like, where she was from, did she ever scrape her knees when riding a bike as a little girl...that sort of thing.

...things don't always turn out how you hope/expect.

Michael Tsarion has been a big influence on me over the past few years, and I lent 27 my copy of Architects of Control, thinking that she could not only handle the content but also give me some great feedback, even if only to tell me why might think it was all crazy. This was while I was still out of work. I came up to the store on my own time and sought out her specifically to touch base with her and see about that talk we were supposed to have. She consistently blew me off. Either she was busy moving, her phone was dead, she didn't have a dvd player at the moment with which to watch the movie, her car had been hit and needed repair...something always seemed to be in the way of us hooking up.

Ok, ok...I thought. She doesn't really know me and I don't really know her. She has a life going on that I shouldn't expect her to drop on a dime, even though she had to suspect that I was going through some kind of crisis if I left my job and then came outta my shell to reach out to another human being. I let it slide.

Weeks went by. And more weeks. A month, two. In the interim, I finished my book and felt satisfied that I had at least accomplished SOMETHING that MIGHT be worthwhile, so I went job hunting. As luck would have it, the book store's manager had been so eager to have me come back that I didn't need to worry, they just picked me right back up as if nothing had happened, so valuable an asset had they all at the store perceived me.

During all this time, I heard not a peep from 27. Not a text, not a call, she didn't approach me at the store and let me know she hadn't forgotten about me...nothing. The most I got was her emphatic "hi!" whenever she passed by. I was a little put off even then, but I reciprocated politely.

I hadn't ceased my reading etc during this time. Another book here, re-watched Kymatica there, found another interview with Jordan Maxwell, got turned onto The Cove documentary. Just generally furthering my awareness of what the hell was going on around me.

Then I saw Conspiracy of Silence, featuring John DeCamp and that whole child pedophile ring. The PROTECTED child pedophile ring.

I became disillusioned with people again. Suddenly, people robotically spitting out "hi" every two seconds disgusted me, given that no one was doing a damn thing to resolve this issue...very certainly one issue among many which very likley had much to do with PRODUCING individuals so emotionally distorted and mentally arrested that they BECOME the next generation of pedophiles or suicides, school shooters or testosterone addled, only-want-to-get-into-your-pants, douche-bag boyfriends/husbands or the next set of emotionally crippled, jaded, teen-baby-having, gold-digging girlfriends/wives.

...so, 27 kept on saying hi to me. She had left me hanging on several occasions, with not even an explanation.

I stopped saying "hi" to her. I felt that I had misjudged her, that her "hi" rang as empty as all the others. I fully recognize that this might have been an extreme stance to take, but I should make it clear that I was very frustrated at this time in general, just a few weeks ago, being at another point where I was reflecting on still more failed attempts to find any connection, somewhere and somehow to express myself among like-minded people.

But then she had the nerve to get upset with me for not returning her hi's! I let this go too, and reminded her that I tried to touch base with her many times about many issues. I could have fully elucidated my position, bringing her to understand why I was temporarily not so keen on "hi". She didn't need to agree with me...just understand. But she gave me no opportunity to voice my thoughts. Clearly, I could not have summarized 5 years of reexamining myself and the world into a ten minute, easily digestible sound-byte.

Of a sudden, out of the blue, she relates to me that she is a "private person", she doesn't like to talk/text much or hang out with people she doesn't know.

Ok...so why didn't she make that clear much, much earlier on? Why did she constantly poke and prod me, making seem like she very much wanted to know what was on my mind? Why did she have this persona at work that was so bubbly and extroverted, yet she says that her "real" personality was to be very reserved? Did she not see the mixed sigals she would possibly send? Did she not understand how I had become frustrated by her saying one thing and doing the opposite? I'm not a mind-reader; how was I supposed to know? She constantly reminded me that I didn't understand her...yet she would not talk to me, through any medium, to HELP me to understand!

Needless to say, I was at a loss with 27. I prefer to clear up mis-understandings whenever I can, and certainly I had good motivation to do so given that I have to work with this woman. And so, feeling that I had no recourse, within the last three or four days I wrote her a letter, some ten pages trying to explain that I didn't hate and was not mad at her, but that she had HURT MY FEELINGS, repeatedly, and had hardly even apologized. Sure, I understood that she was a busy person, I understood (much too late!) that she was a private person. But did that justify her getting upset and offended that I no longer returned her "hi"? Did she not see how UNFAIR it was that I had put myself at risk, having been given the impression and sincerely believing that she was an intelligent woman who had some caring for another human being who was going through a bit of a crisis, meanwhile she blows me off and gives no recognition to the fact that I made repeated attempts just go gain CLOSURE?

Avalon community, there are a few more nuances to this whole story, but I think i've bored you long enough with the main details, and I know all this must seem out of place here, and petty. I just...wanted to know if anyone sees where I went wrong here? I have come to care so much, I see so much of what's happening and believe that I have some reckoning of the causal mechanisms, and all I have wanted to do is get a moment of people's time, to plant a seed here and a seed there. The irony of my perspective is that, even though 27 did throw me a bone and then jerk it away, so to speak, I still believe that she, EVEN in her callousness/shortsightedness, is worth it, like most everyone else I encounter, even if they are jackasses. Wasn't it only like 3-6% of the population that rose up to fight the British, don't most revolutions come about for the effort/sacrifice of the minority rather than the majority, on BEHALF of the majority? I believe that the minorities have gone to such lengths, sacrificed so much, because they believe the masses are worth it.

I have heard such profound messages of love, understood such messages of unity from such earnest people that I feel like I can do no less than follow their example in my own lame fashion, with the limited reach and knowledge that I have.

Here's the clincher with this business with 27! I've discovered that she is a Capricorn, born January 14, 1985, and apparently such individuals are indeed very private, to the point of seeming aloof and standoffish! Myself being a Virgo, it seems that such a disconnect and failure to communicate between us was almost guaranteed!

If all that stuff is true, has any merit whatsoever, then the terrible irony is that, despite her claims, I DO understand her!

I'm just asking if anyone thinks I've gone overboard in having been made so distraught over this? I don't know much about the whole idea of past lives, dharma and karma and guides, putting obstacles in one's path to overcome for self growth, ego-transcendence...I just don't know. Is it ok that I am so upset since I was at yet another crossroads, am I supposed to try and find it in myself to forgive and try to understand her better, or am I to just let this go and press on? My letter was only explanatory and actually complimentary in the best way I knew how to make it, yet when she FINALLY chose to text me in the last evening...it was only to tell me that she was INSULTED by what I had to say! By her reckoning, I'm a narcissist, I got too emotional about something that wasn't a big deal.

That really hurt.

Michael Tsarion has elucidated a concept called the "Outsider," and I have come to identify with this idea very much, in that I bleed for my fellow human beings, seeing their hurt, seeing their frustration, understanding their quirks and faults and foibles to a certain degree and wanting to HELP even if just lending an ear, but he warned clearly about developing a healthy sense of detachment from all this...lest one become just as distraught as I am now. I just don't know left from right these days, I'm trying not to dwell on this ONE incident with this ONE woman, but I do admit that she's very attractive. I'm JUST A GUY, I had entertained some romantic notions, just hoping... Perhaps that's why this is such a downer, her apparent less than mutual attraction and preparedness to just end any relationship we could have had before even had a chance to begin...all because of a mis-understanding.

Was I not treated unfairly? Did I not make myself available to hear her side of things at multiple junctures, only to have her turn away from any attempt to illuminate me? Did she not come to me first, wanting to hear what was troubling me and then show callous disregard and react in a most immature fashion by getting upset that I had decided not to talk to her?

...if I'm just being a boob and a baby about all this, it's ok to tell me. I feel like I've grown and matured so much over such a short time...but clearly I have a ways to go yet. I have this VOICE now, and I like it...but it's also a curse. What am I to do with it, how do I reconcile my feeling of being a sane person amidst a sea un-sane people? Is it...bad to feel SUPERIOR to people in some ways, spiritually? Is is it not OK to acknowledge when someone is WRONG? For example, if someone was trying to do construction with math based around 2+2 = 5, obviously their building would be all screwy. If someone was preparing medical doses based on faulty math and people started DYING as a result, would it not be proper and even incumbent upon one to tell them that they are WRONG, not as a critique of their person or intelligence but as simple observation of an objective, indisputable fact?

Obviously, people are more complex than this and...I guess at times it is just necessary to let people fall, if they are gonna fall. But how do you protect yourself from hurt/sadness at watching them plummet? I'm asking much of this rhetorically, having some notion as to the answer, but I am interested in other views.

9th March 2012, 00:12
Geez, don't quite know where to start, but a few things come to mind. You're a great writer. Would be interested in what else you have written, and oh, welcome to Avalon.

Secondly, there is an almost unwritten rule that co-workers are not to be mixed with your social life or your love life. Having said that, I think a great Filet Mignon steak, with some potatoes and gravy, and steamed vegetables and getting laid would fix most of what ails you.
I say this tongue in cheek, because your celestial chakras are wide open, but your terrestrial chakras need a good rub down. Maybe just go get a massage?

9th March 2012, 00:30
I think it takes many years of relationships with women to figure out that you can't figure women out and you most DEFINITELY can't expect them to be fair. It sounds to me like you're about ready to be in love since you're now awakening your passion and compassion. It's a rocky road but it's well worth pursuing. Each woman that you "try out" or consider is one less that won't work out. Don't give up. I'm sure there is someone out there who will adore you for being you.

I have found that one of the best ways to not get overly hurt is to stop with the expectations of how others should act or react. We can't expect others to care, to have compassion, to understand us, to have the same values we have. But it's okay to be hurt because it's basically an emotional body reaction which is normal. It doesn't make us less of a powerful spiritual being to be hurt, angry, envious, etc. especially since you are seeing that you're feeling these things and questioning if it's okay. Then you can laugh and let them go because you are still human and no matter how much understanding you gain of this world and your spiritual nature you will still be affected by your animal/body instincts and needs at times. Eventually you really won't care what anyone else thinks of you or how they react to you. You will be happy being you. I reached that state many decades ago. I've been married 4 times and it took me until I was 48 to find my soul mate. But it was all great fun and I wouldn't change any of it.

My son is 32 and you sound a lot like him. He's lucky (and I'm lucky) that I'm his best and maybe only friend, so I get all the phone calls whenever he is questioning how he's feeling or what he's doing. He is married with a 5 year old son but relationships are always a major challenge. Letting others be hurt without feeling the need to take care of them is also a major challenge that I'm only now conquering at almost 65 years old. I think those of us who are compassionate constantly want to care-take everyone we come into contact with. It takes a long time to realize that you must take care of yourself first and though you can love or care about others, you can't deprive them of their lessons/circumstances in life.

There is also nothing wrong with realizing that the huge percentage of humans are not spiritually aware and are pretty much insane. It's normal for your ego to feel "superior" and as long as you can just laugh at yourself for your ego being it's normal silly self you won't let those ego reactions control you. My best friend and I often laugh at how stupid everyone is and wonder how we can continue to relate to such insanity. If you don't laugh you could remain depressed, but there is really nothing you can do to change others. To remain sane you almost have to develop a sense of humor at what I call the "cosmic joke". The cosmic joke is our lives here on the earth plane.

Since you're here and you likely chose to be here you might as well relax, laugh at yourself, give yourself a break for your inevitable mistakes and ego crap and enjoy it as much as you can. Always forgive yourself, then you can forgive others. You are perfect the way you are and your progress will continue. It's a journey. The journey is the important thing not some elusive goal. When you f**k up and are upset because you're mean to someone, either apologize or don't apologize and let go of it. We are all A-holes many times in our lives. That's part of the fun of being human. I am married to a perfect A-hole and I adore him just the way he is. I'm sure you will find someone if you just feel the love within yourself because that's where it is. When you begin to radiate that love you will have women flocking to you. Love yourself in all your perfect imperfections and all else will naturally follow.

Nancy :kiss:

9th March 2012, 00:30
Starry Knight, that was a good read. The dating pool really shrinks when you become "awake and aware".

Maybe check out meet-up groups for like minded people. I am sure there is gal out there for a thoughtful guy like you.

9th March 2012, 00:39
i'll confess now starry that i have only skimmed your post, but nonetheless feel compelled to give you an "E" for effort ( i'm in a public library at the moment, and alotted time is about to expire. you've put in some real effort here and i'll certainly read it later this evening in its entirety)

but from what i've gathered, i am fully prepared to co-sign on Gripreaper's suggestions. i wholeheartedly endorse the getting laid part, but let me humbly suggest a 6 pack of guinness as well.:) oh, and a good cigar.

p.s. thanks for the laugh 'Reaper

9th March 2012, 00:46
i'll confess now starry that i have only skimmed your post, but nonetheless feel compelled to give you an "E" for effort ( i'm in a public library at the moment, and alotted time is about to expire. you've put in some real effort here and i'll certainly read it later this evening in its entirety)

but from what i've gathered, i am fully prepared to co-sign on Gripreaper's suggestions. i wholeheartedly endorse the getting laid part, but let me humbly suggest a 6 pack of guinness as well.:) oh, and a good cigar.

p.s. thanks for the laugh 'Reaper

I wanted to drive home the point in a raw and almost irreverent manner to make sure it landed. Nancy's response is more measured and compassionate and I totally agree with her.

As far as the libation which would work best in such a setting, we could debate that all night. I love a deep rich Red wine with mine, but no argument over a really good cigar to cap off the meal.

9th March 2012, 01:05
Starry Knight,

I read your whole post. Really well done. I feel you dude.

I concur with NancyV's response...


A little random laughter can go a long way [I lose my sh*t to this over and over]:


Where I am now, a relationship will be something completely different than what most would consider a relationship. Early summer 2011, I thought I'd found love with a rather enchanting woman (again) but it faded. Found myself thinking of others again after a while. In the end you see that they were all necessary things to get you to where you are now. Perhaps you have more to go through, perhaps not, only the Universe and your future selves know for sure :)

Women are confounding and so are men. People are confounding as a whole but at their core they really just want to be happy. All I can say is you'll know beyond the shadow of a doubt when you meet a real good one, because it'll last a long time and you both won't have to 'try' to make it work, it will just work :)

9th March 2012, 01:31
Women and men have a difficult time coming together even without being awake and aware. You are analyzing much here and perhaps it's right that you do, but perhaps it isn't. I really think that 27 needs to hear a bit of what you have said here (not all of it, but give her the gist of the part that involves her). She has feelings for you that need to be spoken as well. It may be friendly feelings but it may be much more. Only she can tell you that.

Make it easy for her to tell you who she feels. Take her for a nice walk on a warm spring day for the for coffee. Put her at ease. Let her know that no matter what she says, you will think highly of her for speaking her truth.

You can then move forward from there. I wish you the best!!

Anam Cara
9th March 2012, 01:40
Hey Starry Knight , what a great read, you know how to write. I hope you share more with us. As to what you wrote I agree with Nancy's excellent suggestions and her wonderful sense of humor. You have given me much food for thought from a very well articulated male perspective and I thank you for that so that I am more aware in my dastardly daily dealings with guys.


9th March 2012, 01:44
I might have something to say, but I would have to send you a bill. I do wish you the best. I like being alone, but that could be a case of familiarity breeding contempt. :p Actually, more like my hormones let me concentrate on other things now. What a relief. :thumb:

9th March 2012, 02:34
I ditto Nancy V and Modwiz.
Awareness is complicated right now. Men/women stuff is double complicated.

Keep writing/reading.

I hope she finds you. There are many "she's" out there stuck in what you're stuck in.

9th March 2012, 03:35
hi Starry, i've read the post in its entirety, as promised, and...

matters of the heart are almost never logical. you've done a noble job of trying to wring logic outta this, but it's just impossible, really.

no man reaches 30 without meeting one seemingly vulnerable, messed up woman he thinks can "save" --a woman who 9 times outta 10 just wants an ear to listen to her, or a nice guy to take advantage of. women like this will frequently state their desire for a "nice guy" , but would rather pierce their abdomen with a dull rusty spear than date one.:) (woman #1 in your post)

you probably shouldn't have discussed woman #1 while just getting to know #2, but that's really beside the point. here's the truth: woman #2 just wasn't into you. i don't care what her sign was or what it entails--if a woman is in to you, it doesn't matter how private or reclusive she is; she'll want to spend some time with you. sorry to be so blunt here, but i've spent the last 5mins trying to think of a polite way to arrange some words, and i just couldn't do it.

you sound like a sensitive guy, and i can relate to that. it's hard to put yourself out there when you know how easily wounded you can be. let me just suggest this: the next date you go on...leave out the shape-shifting reptiles and the aliens, ok?:) leave the conspiracy theories at home. as you start to spend more n more time together, you can slowly--and let me emphasize SLOWLY--introduce her to your unique world view.

good luck, mate.

9th March 2012, 04:07
In brief:

I am 18 years older than my life partner. I'm poly, zhe is not. I am bisexual, zhe is not. I'm currently exploring the possibility of connecting with another individual, zhe is happy to stay home and immerse in the computer/geekery realm. I like sex way more than zhe does, I love sleeping in snuggle piles, we do not expect/demand either of us to change our ways.

Thinking about 'fixing' people is a very large Bog that will almost always, without fail, suck you in, and those you are so generously 'reaching out' to fix almost always, without fail, utterly fail to appreciate efforts made with this intention. I find wondrous things happen when I focus on getting my *own* frequency clear and leave others to manage their own; I figure if someone wants my assistance, they'll indicate it one way or another. :)

9th March 2012, 05:53
I think she got insulted when you stopped saying "Hi.". She may have been reaching out to you at that point, and that was why she explained to you that she was shy (unable to do anything MORE than say "Hi.".) And then she got insulted ... and probably worried because you were being inconsistent with her. Yes, I know, not fair, given what you've described.

When it is that difficult, I don't think the energy is right. But when one WANTS, then one can't SEE what is actually there ... which is a woman who constantly misunderstands and is offended when you tell her about you, and blows you off. Oh and gets insulted if you haven't paid her the proper "Hi."s? She has got some expectations not being met, doesn't she?

Oof, and now you are working together? Try to be friendly, not friends, just friendly and as charming as possible at work... "Hi." and all. And blow her off for the rest.

Who needs to hurt? But if you can't stop hurting, then be laid back. If she makes a conversational gambit, respond in kind, with the same level of energy, maybe with one extra sentence and smile, and then seriously back off, do not attempt to continue the exchange further or grow the relationship, go away and do paperwork, fix the back room, get on the phone, deal with a customer, unpack books, do something else. Keep doing that until it is quite clear to you what she wants by her own actions ... try to see what is actually there. Without hoping. Never hurts to be kind to people even when they don't give you what you want, because they might become important to you in some other way further down the timeline.

I'm with Chinaski, I don't think 27 is into you. But you can still practice perceiving what a woman looks and acts like, when she is not into you. This is knowledge that will save you a lot of energy in the long run.

I suspect you already know, but don't want to know. You know the 20 year old didn't hear you, despite your caring and compassion. The needy will never hear you, they just want you to give them what they want. Sugar Daddy. You know the 27 year old consistently blew you off. But your desire kept you wanting to make reality different, so all the questions and wondering and looping the recording when what you really want to know is, why not me? What is wrong with me? There is nothing wrong with you, you just barely started looking, and you have no idea yet, what you want, what you need, what you can do with a romantic relationship.

Just gotta learn this stuff is not personal on their part. Most people when they have to reject someone's advances (if they are not abusive users), HATE it! Just hate it! They wish they could be there for you, would stick a rusty knife in their gut rather than hurt you (and that further screws up communication) and play stupid games simply to avoid telling the truth (moving, dead phone, no dvd player, car repair) ... and if it wasn't avoidance on her part, I'd pay attention to that kind of interference from the universe anyway. Seriously. And yes, a ten page letter was way too much. Ten page letters come when two people are madly in love and WANT to know every little tiny detail lol.

Yeah, what Michael says about detachment is right on. Consider detachment a pair of glasses to use to examine people ...

This is twitchy and volatile material to be working with. Not easy. Not easy understanding others, not easy understanding the self. I didn't meet my husband until I was 39, and he is 13 years younger than me. We've been married 24 years, and I still don't understand him! Understanding is overrated. Tolerance of differences, respect, and a relaxed attitude will take you a lot further. (And no, he wants nothing to do with Avalon, spirituality, 2012, conspiracy ... none of it. As NancyV says, an azzhole, but he is my azzhole and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I receive joy and happiness with who he actually is.)

It really is a mystery. To this day, I do not understand why my contract (the one I made going into this incarnation) included marriage with David. Heh. Besides the obvious.


Well, my hunnybunny will be home shortly and will want his dinner. <trotting off to the kitchen>


9th March 2012, 07:36
Wow, what a post I can tell that writing it down was therapeutic for you! I don't want to act like an agony aunt and say all the old cliches like: "There's someone for everyone" - most people who don't look like Brad Pitt know this is a lie.

I actually believe the dating scene is totally unfair to men - even songs like "I don't need a man" encourage women not to date with anyone less than Brad Pitt. (I know men are unfair to women too, but since Starry Knight is male, I'm taking the men's view here). I saw an episode of "I shouldn't be alive" where an American M/F couple were lost in the forest & the woman said she'd marry the guy if they got out alive. Then she dumped him! This would have cut me to the bone! So in f*cked -up America, most relationships are just another way to use and hurt people as seen here in this show:


The fact is I can't believe only these girls are the ones you can discuss "real issues" with, but you were interested in them, so their "rejections" were poignant to you. I think the answer is to come to a place where you're happy to be alone and not even want a relationship. However if this isn't possible & you can't be alone, go marry a foreign girl and live in her country - as only 8% of foreign wives brought to the USA are still married 3 years later (ie, most of them only wanted a green card, or have become like the local girls you've got nowhere with).

9th March 2012, 14:50
xxxxx xxxxxx

9th March 2012, 15:06
Can't offer any advice to top what already been said, but just know that we are empathetic and care.

9th March 2012, 16:09
Starry Knight,

There's already been some great advice on this thread but some of my quick pointers - for what it's worth being (relatively) young myself. :)

1) Learn to be comfortable with who you are and realise you have much to offer.

Don't take it too personally if someone isn't that into you or doesn't respond in kind. People are just different and looking for many different things (at different times); they most likely just weren't right for you, but, the one who is will no doubt be busy working her way to you in the near future. :)

2) Awakening to what's really going on in the world can make you want to share this with everyone - including potential love interests!

As mentioned earlier in this thread, it's probably not a good idea to unload it all on them right away and blow their minds. :) Take it slowly and plant those seeds slowly too if you feel it's right - even if she disagrees with you, and looks at you funny, it doesn't matter; someone who's right for you will respect your views even if they don't agree with them, but again, take that one slowly. I find the subtle approach will always pay off more in the end rather than the blunt force trauma approach (;)); you'll be surprised at what people later come back to you with due to something you've subtely mentioned in the past. :)

3) Concentrate on trying to be happy in yourself; being yourself and being positive.

You'll be amazed at what and who comes your way when you do this, as what you radiate out is what you'll attract. :) Ever notice how much more attractive and nice someone suddenly appears to you when they're a very happy and friendly person?

Case in point; I remember working at some place as a teenager (usual supermarket/store type place) where there would be many girls around the same age - many very attractive looking in fact. The one who was the most interesting to me of all however was pretty but certainly not the 'hottest' there by any means.
But, she was always very friendly and happy - makes a huge difference in how people see you and how much you'll enjoy life and being in your own skin. :)

Summary: Be happy (as Bob would say), relax, stay positive and know the right one will come along in time - you'll then look back and wonder what all the fuss was about trust me. :)

Keep your chin up dude. :)

9th March 2012, 17:00
Off the cuff and without reading many of the responses, I think you dove in head first too deep with her at the beginning, because you wanted a soul mate, someone to listen and sympathize with your feeling and view of the world. Women want to be romanced first. Just ask her out to dinner and a movie. No strings attached, no world agendas. Just a simple night of food and fun. Take her bowling, rollerskating, to a carnival.

Do something FUN. Then, when she gets to see you for who you are and not what you are, you'll have that sounding board to bounce your thoughts out on .

You have a huge influx of feeling, emotions and ideas/thoughts that you want to share, but meter it out.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about all the stuff I learn on here and elsewhere. How frustrating is that?

Just take it slow.

9th March 2012, 18:07
I don't normally read long posts....but you had me hooked, Starry Knight.

Don't worry about 27. Who knows what's around the corner? Life is a mystery, and it's a guarantee that we won't be where we think we will be ten years from now. We probably won't even think the same thoughts!

All the best to you..lots of good advice on this thread. I won't add to it...but definitely keep writing! And stay positive! Your story would make a great short movie. Reminds me of this one...


Starry Knight
9th March 2012, 20:43
I'm sure that no one comes around here intending to play matchmaker, so I appreciate all the time and effort taken to read my wall of text and offer comments, both sympathies and criticisms. Where the latter in particular are concerned, I can be sure that I need to take a moment to reflect when I get that little "zing" in the midsection, suggesting that whatever was said "zinged" because it struck close to home.

Err, I actually find myself at a bit of a loss for words. On the one hand, the advice given and observances made seem perfectly reasonable and worthy of being taken to heart, coming as they do from places of obvious experience and wisdom gained through such. That's not to say that I don't feel some of the remedies must nevertheless fall under the category of "easier said than done". :(

But then again, as I reflect on the matter, I still feel that I was dealt a really foul hand by fate, or whatever. Lol nah that's too dramatic! I'll say instead that it just seems like I was not shown the same level of consideration and patience that I offered to the various parties I mentioned in my rant. I suppose this could just be chalked up to, "that's just how people are bro, just gotta tough it out". Or perhaps I should expect to find/be told that my perception is just being clouded by my ego or something, and if that's true then I'll try to accept that and see it as another hurdle to cross. But I remain convinced, for the most part, that I made every effort to see things from the perspective of these different people and that I shouldn't have had to endure the treatment that I did.

I'll try to be as brief as I can in clarifying/elaborating a few things, and afterward I won't take up anymore of anyone's time helping me deal with such a convoluted matter...as certainly complicated further by myself, being a very wishy-washy person these days! :o

Yeah, the 10 pager was probably a bit much. I actually wrestled with the idea of doing it for most of a day, knowing that I was probably going out on a limb and might have it all blow up in my face. Actually, I'll go on ahead and take the bullet on that one, period. However, I can't stress enough how PIGEON HOLED I felt into doing something to smooth over the bump between 27 and myself, for my OWN piece of mind if nothing else, to know that I, at least, had put my best forward till the very end, if indeed we were to come to an end. Getting us back to a harmonious working relationship, all notions of romance aside, was my primary concern. The tension between us was something that she herself acknowledged at one point...but she had been neither doing nor saying anything to alleviate it. This stagnation on her part, the contradiction she represented, was beyond my ken. I felt like it was up to me to resolve things. Having some notion (again, very late, thanks to her) of her true, "private" nature, I tried to be appreciative of the fact that opening up might be difficult for her. I had a notion that I communicated fairly well and figured that I could probably at least alleviate the tension if only she would give me an opportunity; no such opportunity arose, face to face or via phone, even though I prompted gently and hinted in passing of the fact of my availability several times, to no avail. So out came the letter. Lemme see if I can properly remember the sequence of events, which I didn't have in order in my first post. Hopefully this'll make it more clear why I was so confused and felt like I ended up in a in a no-win situation.

The whole episode with girl #1 obviously came first. My nick-name for her was "Bee". We met, hung out, had fun, etc...then had our falling out, which I suppose I'll go into later, since someone very kindly expressed interest. Now, I suppose it's possible that 27 had some inkling of the weird triangle thing that was happening between Bee, her b/f and myself because of workplace gossip. Lol, I know pretty much nothing about the fairer sex, but one thing I have come to understand recently, after becoming a little more personable beyond workplace hoopla, is how they GOSSIP. I remember seeing movies and watching comedy stand up where this...uh...phenomenon was portrayed, thinking that all that was just melodrama made up, inflated stereotype and what not. For a very long time I believed that women weren't really..."catty" like that. I know, I know...naieve, right? And, to be fair, obviously it's not just women that do it. Probably because of my reserved nature, I really had managed to avoid such drama, somehow...up until the point where I became a part of it. I'm absolutely sure that not all women are like that, but when I started paying more attention or accidentally overhead JUST the craziness coming out of the cafe the store boasts, where the baristas are all female... Wow, talk about a lack of "can't we all just get along?". I don't mean to offend any women, and would remark that I think a certain level of "gossip" is unavoidable...isn't it? I mean, it seems like people, a person or persons, must come up 50% of the time in almost any conversation, either some person in particular or the ideas or activity of a person.

...anyway, there was the chance that 27 had ACCIDENTALLY heard about me and Bee in our little tense triangle, because of gossip; I don't know. But at no point did I ever specifically mention her to 27 myself. I probably would have eventually, which would indeed have been a bad move, but I never even got the chance to make that mistake. As many of you guys have remarked, it would also have been a bad idea to go right into too much of the heavy stuff too early. I had no intention of doing this. I did ask her the "what do you think it's all for?" question, but this was BEFORE my falling out and mental, emotional chaos for having watched Addendum and Moving forward. As I mentioned, 27 and I had been around each other enough, through the work environment, that I believed there was just enough familiarity between us to pose that question. Sort of as an ice-breaker, albeit an unconventional one. But I figured her response would be a perfect way to gauge her possible receptivity to LATER discussion of the more serious stuff. In fact, pretty much all throughout the course of my...uh, rebirth, I guess, I introduced the new me to people pretty slowly, closer friends and family being the exceptions. Rather than shout and holler at people, I just became and acted more and more of the change, and when asked or when here was a moment to drop a line, at those junctures I made no secret of where I was coming from, not over my Facebook, not in person, not at work. There was a reasonable line not to cross, to be sure, particularly at work, but everyone there knew that I thought retail was bogus, that our 9-5 was the new whip being cracked on us, and everyone knew I thought buy one get one free and Black Friday were total scams, demonstrations of how ignorant people were of how we were being shafted while the crooks laughed all the way to the bank.

I imagine that many must have wondered why I continued to work as hard as I did, continuing to give my 100% best despite my beliefs regarding "the system". There was one point where a co-worker wanted to give me a positive performance statement, but I politely declined, taking the opportunity to make it clear that I wasn't going out of my way for any little paper reward by the company. It was to make her day better, and in so doing perhaps her boyfriend or sister or brother or her dog, whoever she had to go home to, as she might have been spared that ONE last straw that makes people snap, you know? I saw us all running doing our little chores and perceived us all to be caged, exploited, so much better than our little miserable peon jobs but having little choice but to submit, or go broke. She seemed bewildered by my response and explanation, happily bewildered.

Score one, seed planted, I figured. She didn't need to understand, just to think about it.

Blockbuster recently went out of business, and as our store carries rentals, the Boss Man decided that we all deserved 25$ gift cards for beating a competitor and having a better edge.

...I gave that BS away to another associate. It wasn't that I wouldn't have liked to buy a book or movie or whatever, without going into my own pocket, and I knew that such an act of defiance would ultimately be an exercise in futility, but it was the PRINCIPLE of the thing, you know? "Zero tolerance for the lie," as I heard Michael Tsarion say. Sorry, i refer to him often these days. But while most everyone else gave a little "yippee" for receiving their boon, probably figuring that they were at least (for once) getting a little bit of extra compensation for their hard work other than a crappy T-shirt and a plaque, I was thinking..."WTF?! First of all, isn't anyone else a little put off by this blatant attempt to buy us off, to keep us all complacent even though the Boss is slashing hours like Jason Vorhees in really bad mood, leaving a handful of people to break their backs doing the work of what should be double the number?"

Secondly, did no one see the callous disregard for the people from Blockbuster who were suddenly out of a job? Was it really right for us to be celebrating their set back...and over just 25 bucks in GIFTCARDS, which obviously had to be spent right back into the Boss's own company?! What a joke!

I made these points much more gently when gathered among the few people who were in the backroom where the associate I gave my gift-card away to was. Lol, nothing I had to say stopped them from using their little treats, of course, nor did I expect that they wouldn't, but it did seem to give them pause, something to think about. Score another batch of seeds sewn, I hoped. Hell, I was only out 25 bucks, and I got to stick it to the man in the only way I could at the time.

I relate these two incidents with nary a notion of aggrandizing myself. To be sure, no one is more disappointed in me these days than me, not least for the fact that I'm here again, going on and on in this whiny fashion, almost obsessing over something that I should have swept under the rug easily. I'm just trying to illustrate what I meant when I said that The Message was more important than any romantic notions I had toward anyone. On the very same day I walked outta the job, I felt free and pretty pleased with myself, for once. But also guilty. The book manager, I knew, would have a helluva time maintaining that department without me, with only the rather apathetic newbies to rely on. The big-wigs had already been breathing down her neck, driving her up the wall with ridiculous expectations. Having been book manager for a while, before stepping down (early in the start of my change) I had the experience and willingness to support and keep her afloat. I didn't like that I had probably, indirectly inconvenienced others too; the store manager would have to find new hires, etc. So I sent everyone at the store pizza, to show that there were no hard feelings. I hadn't left cuz of anything anyone said or did, I told them in a letter (a SHORT one, lol) I was just going through a phase.

...27, whom I came to refer to as "Cher" (cuz she really is a dear) was herself the recipient of many a gesture/compliment/effort by me on her behalf, long before I had any notion of moving us beyond the level of "I just work with him". It's true that we weren't on "that level" yet, but I felt sure that, given all the above I mentioned, some of which she was surely aware of, I was in a good position to approach her and warrant a little, just a LITTLE of her attention. More than any romance, that's pretty much all I ever wanted. Just a moment to see if she could understand where I was coming from with regard to my breaking point after all this, due to Addendum/Moving forward and Bee. At no point did I even imply that I would have liked more than friendship. One of her early excuses for being unavailable was that she had just broken up with her boyfriend. Although I did have a part of me that WANTED to press toward her in that manner, I respected that she was going through one of those phases and didn't need anyone even appearing as though they were hitting on her. Hence my receding back into the back ground. At this point she already had my copy of Architects of Control, for her to watch or not watch a she saw fit. I really wanted her opinion on it, but yeah, she had this little baggage at the time. I was pretty sympathetic and let it go.

Time passes. I left work in late August, I think it was. We had had our "what's it all for talk". She had my number. I came to see her to drop off the movie. I came up to the store with my laptop to work on my book, asked how she was doing, how was work...just coolin' it, ya know? September passed, October, November, December.

Not a peep from her, not during the time I was gone nor after I was rehired in what I think was late September or early October. Nothing more than "hi, I'm glad your back!" But everyone said that.

I've watched Conspiracy of Silence in the interim and am considering the whole idea of shooting off random "hi" and the value it really has if, beneath it, everyone is clueless, disinterested and, in some cases, giving the rote, mechanical reply of "hi" even as they stab you in the back. It's not that I didn't WANT to say it, it's just that response was chocked off in me for a while, with regard to almost EVERYONE, not just her.

So, all this time has passed. She doesn't know me "like that" yet, nor I her. But she surely had some reckoning of what I was about, what I stood for. Up until the very last few weeks, I had been ok with saying hi to her and everyone else. I suppose she didn't notice, at the time, that I only STOPPED saying after she had blown me off one too many times. At this point I'm reflecting on all I've said and done and figuring that, if I'm worth her time and of any interest to her, she'll approach me...with more than just "hi" for once, which tells me nothing. While I had been brooding in the days before I left work, she did pester me. "I'd really like to know what's going on in your head," she remarked at one point, a little while before I left work and we began to have any weird vibes between us. This was flattering and pleasant to hear, but then I thought about the potentiality of our water being fluoridated, NASA conspiracies, how did the Tarot connect with Quabbalah? If astrology has any meaning at all, is it only to us humans, or do other life-forms know of it/believe in it and feel that it has any validity? I haven't finished reading the Urantia Book, but within it I seem to get the impression that all that "mystic stuff" is considered hoopla by whatever beings supposedly channeled the info. Which was true? Was Jesus real? The Urantia Book seems to think so, something about him being a sovereign of our particular universe who incarnated here as part of his own evolution, to prove he was worthy of running everything. Meanwhile, Jordan Maxwell and his ilk seem to think it's all astrotheology, allegory.

Cher claimed to want to know what was going on in my head...but I considered all this, laughed quietly to myself and, gently, replied, "No, I promise you don't." It seems to me that time has borne out my feeling, and I had a notion even then that I probably should not even attempt to try and work my way into a friendship with her, let alone anything else. Not because she would not be able to understand, if she tried (which she didn't) but because she wouldn't have the TIME, and probably no inclination to "go there". But I was and am just human, I wasn't too optimistic about finding a romance, but I could have used an ear to burn. Slowly, of course, but just someone who might be there and at least be sympathetic. I had already talked my parents to death, and there was only so much they could say; I was hoping for a new outlet.

And, make no mistake, I was ready and willing to reciprocate 100%, not just use her as an escape or dump for what ailed me.

...so, I don't see how I could have been more patient and understanding. Then we have our first really awkward moment, when she walks buy and I venture, quietly exasperated, "Still nothing to say?"

And somehow she thinks it's funny or cute (or maybe she was serious) to say that "Well, you don't seem to wanna talk to me...!"

Wow. I had been doing nothing BUT try and talk to her for months! Not all up in her face, not blowing up her phone, just gentle reminders, making myself available. I flat out told her that her comment wasn't funny or fair, and I think this "zinged" her. She calls me into the office where we have our first actual conversation since that day in the backroom with "what do you think it's all for". Our first conversation that wasn't about trivialities, which I was fine to talk about at the time...but eventually I needed to move beyond those things. I was in a comfort zone with her. I assumed she was in one with me. Lol, but no, now she's "private" and doesn't get into things like that.

Ah, well that would have been nice to know...about five months ago. I'm not thrilled or encouraged by the fact that, in order to just get us to this point, I basically had to almost bully her and make her feel bad. Perhaps the whole thing was over before it began.

Within our previous chitty chatty encounters, she surely picked up on the fact that I was critical of many things, and very serious about considering the world's problems. Shortly before I "zinged" her, she remarked that I shouldn't be so "negative", she didn't believe in letting the world bring her down. I tried to elaborate on my concept of "negativity" in our office encounter, suggesting that there was a difference between being a doomsayer and only pointing out flaws and what was wrong with things/people, a difference between that objective, honest account and critique of a situation and a positive STATE OF MIND. One can be "negative" that is to say, honestly critical, and still have a positive outlook. It just means ACKNOWLEDGING what's what, even if it's unpleasant and uncomfortable, as an adult should. It's unpleasant to acknowledge that the house is on fire, but what is one to then do? Kick up their feet and keep playing Mortal Kombat, or stop for a second, take care of the problem and THEN get back to your now safe, secure fun and games? Fairly simple concept, by my reckoning, but, upon relating it to her...she gets her feelings hurt. I don't even remember how at this point, having been so unaccustomed to being at odds with someone in such a way and so jittery, but we got onto the idea of suppressed cancer and aids cures. Once again, she thought I was doubting her intelligence and awareness, stating that she knew that such were available.

Ok, I said, that's fantastic that you know...but have you told two friends, so they can tell two friends, and so on...and so on, just like in the Wayne's World movie? Have you shouted it from the highest mountain, refusing to let the matter be relegated to the realm of party trivia that gets talked about for 2 seconds, before you go back to planning the store meeting where we all sit around discussing for HOURS how many candy bars have been sold to meet the company's quota? My intention had simply been to get across to her my particular belief (she didn't have to share it!) that there was a time to be happy-go-lucky and not let the world bring her down...and a time to acknowledge that there are other people in the world who's INTENTION it is to do just that, and not only bring her down, but worse! I really don't recall how it got this heavy; it musta been my frustration all coming to the surface, as I had been put into a position where I had to try and summarize many years of reflection in ten minutes. Which I told her many times before I couldn't do. And it had never been my intention to smother her with it all. But she pigeon-holed me. This was all within a work environment, hardly the ideal time; I never even got to point out that I hadn't intended to throw it all at her, that I would have much preferred just to get to know her. But she was elusive as smoke, for her having been busy with work and such, and just being a private person.

Ok, fine. All I wanted, then, was a little SYMPATHY for the awkward position she had (however inadvertently) put me in, with all the mixed signals, and maybe an apology for her lack of consideration and appreciation for the patient effort I put toward getting to know her.

Work called, and we had to let it all go for the moment. Over the next day, I decided to try the letter, something she could read on her own time, in her "private" space, and which would hopefully elucidate my position. 10 pages was a bit much, I recognize that. But there was much to say, built up over the months and months. But attempt at communication with her through all other mediums failed. I didn't hit on her. Didn't talk down to her -not from my perspective at least. Her last name is Harmon, and I related that I had the wistful notion that it was sort of appropriate and an interesting coincidence, as it seemed that she went around the store, being all bubbly and laughing and making the customers feel welcome...just generally spreading "Harmony" where ever she went.

I did explain how she had hurt my feelings, but it was wrapped around a context of some of the philosophies I was trying to abide by which, unfortunately, had made me a little sensitive. By now I was aware of her own sensitivity, and this seemed all the more reason to strive for resolution and understanding. Aren't sensitive people probably key to helping resolve some of the world's problems? When one of them goes down, shuts down or slashes their wrists, it's a loss to the Team. After all the people I had had tell me of their abuses and their thoughts of suicide, I was only ever more aware of the fact that people are often suffering very quietly. People you'd never expect.

So yes, I had suddenly not been keen on saying "hi" to her when I felt that I had been done dirty, many times. I said I was sorry that the letter sounded so one-sided, but what other result would there be when she would have no other contact with me? How much better it would have certainly been, had we been able to have an active back and forth, instead of me trying to smooth this over by condensing so much into so short a space.

When she finally gets back to me after the letter via text, the first thing she says is, "The more I talk to you, the less you understand me. Your letter (or whatever it was) was horrible".

Suffice to say, this confounded me for many reasons, not least of which was the fact that I didn't understand her because she WOULDN'T talk to me! She's like a walking contradiction, how could she be surprised when people get frustrated with her? She said that it taken another co-worker a good 3 years to get to know her, because she was so "private" and she remarked (insincerely, methinks) that she was sorry that she didn't talk to me as quickly as I would have liked, someone I didn't even know.

...so, 4-5 months was "too quickly" just to get a mere 10 minutes of her time? It didn't have to be any place intimate, she didn't need to be in an uncomfortable place; we coulda hung out and tried to see what the other was about right there in the familiar store environment.

"Just call me," I said simply. We coulda prolly come to some sorta understanding, but NOT through the awkward medium of text.

"I don't call, I don't even text!" she replies. "You don't understand, this IS big deal for me, just texting.. I'm private!"

I had heard her mention many times that she went out for drinks every now and again, and I had to wonder if she was drunk when she came at me with all this nonsensical stuff. She called me a narcissist, after all that we had endured at the store, after all that she had seen and heard from me prior to our falling out, and when I accused her of having some apparent venom toward she said she didn't, that she was calm, chill... She didn't need any "anger" in her life.

Was she just trying to push my buttons?

Lol ok guys, I'm done...I dunno what else to say. So much for being brief. If not for the fact that this incident came around a time when I was already in stretched thin, I'm sure that I could have had a similar encounter and totally brushed her off, dismissed her as irrational...or, more compassionately, just as a complicated woman who I perhaps misjudged. Certainly, she had misjudged me.

This was all so screwey, and hopefully just an episode that I can soon file away under "that was a weird day". I'm open to thoughts, if anyone even got this far, but my verdict has been, and mostly remains, that if there were to be a ratio given to this situation as to who was more in the wrong, I would to say it is my 30% to her 70%. Hopefully there exists in me the capacity not to be resentful toward her in the future, for at least a little while.

...er, PS. Someone had said they wanted to know what the situation had been between myself and the other girl, but I'm sure this will be more than enough random intwarwebs Jerry drama. I really don't even wanna think about it much more myself, at this point, eheh

...behind all this, questions of who was hurt and who was right and who was wrong are actually not as important to me as gaining some insight into...well, what it's all for. I came to these forums looking to do more along the lines of asking questions and learning more about the past life concept, etc, so maybe I better just focus on that, and maybe having more insight into the deeper reality will make all the other stuff something I really can laugh at, as I think Nancy wonderfully suggested. Also, I don't talk like I write. Anyone who had to endure this from me everyday would probably drop me like a hot potato. My ebonics isn't great, but I can thug it up and sound "normal" lol

9th March 2012, 22:14
“xxxxx xxxxxxx.

9th March 2012, 22:34
Starry, slowly set the jug of espresso down and hand me your keys...:)

one thing i've learned throughout the years is that you can't really tell anyone anything; they have to find out on their own. in other words: advice is highly overrated. but i'll impart one last piece of wisdom here: you're overanalyzing. believe me, i've been there. we all have. easy does it.

i'll co-sign on other's opinions here that you are a good writer. i'll bet you express yourself this way much better than you do in person. you should keep exploring the writing, no doubt.

Starry Knight
10th March 2012, 15:12
...wow, I really needed to vent. You guys were pretty much spot on with observations, I just need to get over it. Much thanks, I'm sane again, mostly, ready to refocus...and feeling silly, eheh.