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Renne
14th April 2012, 04:09
Hello, Avalons,
I don't know if this is the right place to share it. It's not good, it's very dark and negative. But there's so many words I want to talk, and they just always got stuck in my stomach.
Like all the autisms, I cringe in a crowd, and when I had to join a crowd, I wear strange rag clothes and mess my hair so that I can feel less exposed. I don't make friends, and I feel sad when someone treat me nicely or sincerely, because HOW would I ever be able to respond it? I'm incapable of this.
I feel that autism is like a cage, I locked the happy healthy and beautiful me in it. And all my life when I tried too heal myself, I feel like I'm doing a prison break.
And Yes, there are so many things I've tried to free myself from this self-locking. Some are quite extreme. I watch horror films such as Ringu over and over, in the hope of reaching down my deep heavy cage just like Reiko Asakawa down to the deep well where Sadako lies.
I feel that if I can't be free-from the past, the psychological illness or whatever is so dark and heavy in me-I will forever keep this strange, retarded and fragmental person who is not what I really am.
Yeah, yeah. I should learn to accept my inner self and not be afraid of showing it to others: it's just too easy to say.
I have being looking for the "right" way for a long time. Recently, I feel that every formula I tried, I cost a small piese of my soul. And right now my soul is so old and pale that not for long it will vanish into void...

Flash
14th April 2012, 04:39
-Interesting: my daughter who had partial aphasia was telling me of a similar feeling (locked in and jail) when with people and not being able to truly communicate. Althugh she did not wear rags, she would try to communicate often to be rejected adn this made it hard

IThink that whatever makes one different from others, mainly when relating to communication and feelings, it makes one vulnerable as well as enclosed within oneself.

The best way is surely to accept who you are inside, knowing that the way it presents to the world has an impact you may have to learn to live with.

Love to you

WhiteFeather
14th April 2012, 05:13
Know that you are very special my friend. And also know that the autistic incarnated ones are crystal children and operate at a higher frequency and have the 3rd extra strand of DNA. Thus giving Mother Earth A High Frequency Upliftment just by you being here.. This is why your so special and valued here upon this planet at this eventful time. Cherish this gift. And know you are loved Infinitely, because you are an infinite soul. All my love. ~W.f.~

gypsybutterflykiss
14th April 2012, 05:55
Know that you are very special my friend. And also know that the autistic incarnated ones are crystal children and operate at a higher frequency and have the 3rd extra strand of DNA. Thus giving Mother Earth A High Frequency Upliftment just by you being here.. This is why your so special and valued here upon this planet at this eventful time. Cherish this gift. And know you are loved Infinitely, because you are an infinite soul. All my love. ~W.f.~

Yes, what Whitefeather said.. You are a very special person.. <3. I send you love and strength..

Renne
14th April 2012, 07:07
Thank you, Flash. It's good to know there's someone else having the "prison break" feeling.
As for communication, I think I'm still struggling at the first step, which is communicating with myself.

Love to you, too

dan i el
14th April 2012, 09:21
Hi Renne,

I know the feeling you describe intimately. I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome (High Functioning Autism) just a few years ago, already well into my mid 30's. Finding out so late was in some a relief - in that, it made some sense of all those years of feeling alien but also it came late in terms of repairing the psyche.

There is no "cure" for Autism and although a life feeling like the true self, or who and how you ideally want to be, is trapped in a cage within is not a very happy prospect this feeling probably will never "completely" go away.... you live in a society in which you are a minority...a great many of the major inventions and ideas that have contributed to building the human society have come from Autistic minds. But an understanding of neurodiversity is still very primitive and most things are geared specifically to appeal to the neurotypical mind.

You probably will always feel like an outsider locked inside yourself...but this doesn't have to be a "curse" at all.

I don't really have so much advice for you, as I also am, in many ways, climbing the same mountain, but I can tell you this - you are not alone.

The first step is to begin to stop being ashamed that you are not like "all the others", don't go overdrive: but be proud of who you are.

Renne
14th April 2012, 10:26
Hi Renne,

I know the feeling you describe intimately. I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome (High Functioning Autism) just a few years ago, already well into my mid 30's. Finding out so late was in some a relief - in that, it made some sense of all those years of feeling alien but also it came late in terms of repairing the psyche.

There is no "cure" for Autism and although a life feeling like the true self, or who and how you ideally want to be, is trapped in a cage within is not a very happy prospect this feeling probably will never "completely" go away.... you live in a society in which you are a minority...a great many of the major inventions and ideas that have contributed to building the human society have come from Autistic minds. But an understanding of neurodiversity is still very primitive and most things are geared specifically to appeal to the neurotypical mind.

You probably will always feel like an outsider locked inside yourself...but this doesn't have to be a "curse" at all.

I don't really have so much advice for you, as I also am, in many ways, climbing the same mountain, but I can tell you this - you are not alone.

The first step is to begin to stop being ashamed that you are not like "all the others", don't go overdrive: but be proud of who you are.

You've said it so right. 'Curse' is exactly how I feel, and also shame. it's very easy too feel ashamed as if so that I can be forgived of being strange.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm happy to know your story. I wish we both will do better in the future!

dan i el
14th April 2012, 10:45
[QUOTE=dan i el;467398]I wish we both will do better in the future!

yes, me too...

Eram
14th April 2012, 11:03
Hi Renne,

I feel very moved by your story.

It must be very hard to feel living in a jail with no prospect of coming out.

To be true, I know the feeling also. Up until today, I'm not quit sure what the label on me is, but I even created a real jail for about 15 years for myself. I lived in my house and stayed there as much as possible, because I had fear of life and the people in it.
I think I have some autism characteristics and other people have mentioned them to me as well. But recently I also discovered that PTSD is not something you only develop through war or a big car crash etc. I read about it and was really shocked about how many characteristics apply to me.
With PTSD you get quite numb in the feeling department. Lately I start to believe this is what's been buggering me for so many years.

You told that you tried every trick in the book to overcome your symptoms. Have you also tried with a diet? There is a HOT thread (http://projectavalon.net/forum4/showthread.php?43548-The-root-of-most-disease...-NOT-what-you-think-) started by Dawn right now with a diet that is also supposed to cure many autisms. For other reasons than the autism, I will go for that diet.
I'm sure you know about the many forms of autism that get awakened through the use of vaccines and that there are homoeopathic medicines to get rid the effects from that? I have seen people with autism get real better with that with my own eyes. My dad is a homoeopath.

Watching Horror movies is not a good idea in my opinion, because autistic people are not numb in essence. They get numb because they feel so much that they can't handle it and simply shut down, right? Watching horror movies will enhance that.

I can imagine very well that you feel cursed, but you know what? I am doing better every day for the last years and I stopped feeling cursed too.
I don't believe that there is no way of getting better. If there's a will, there's a way. I hope you can open yourself for that possibility, even if you have tried so hard for so many years.

kind regards,

Waky

dan i el
14th April 2012, 11:25
Autism doesn't need "curing"?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1369595/Jacob-Barnett-12-higher-IQ-Einstein-develops-theory-relativity.html

pugwash84
14th April 2012, 11:44
I just want to say that I think you are very lucky, my son who has autism can't speak yet and eats foods of a certain texture and flaps his hands about a lot. He is very clever with numbers and a lot of people have said that autistic children are not affectionate but he is very loving. He has to go to a special school and he uses a wheel chair a lot of the time. He doesn't like loud noises or being near the ceiling heaters in shops which makes shopping difficult. I do not think he will ever be able to live on his own so I will always have to care for him. Although he has so many difficulties I feel extremely blessed to have this beautiful child in my life, the only wish I would have though is that I could live a long life so I knew he would be looked after. I am so lucky to have him xxxx

Rogerc
14th April 2012, 11:56
I just want to say that I think you are very lucky, my son who has autism can't speak yet and eats foods of a certain texture and flaps his hands about a lot. He is very clever with numbers and a lot of people have said that autistic children are not affectionate but he is very loving. He has to go to a special school and he uses a wheel chair a lot of the time. He doesn't like loud noises or being near the ceiling heaters in shops which makes shopping difficult. I do not think he will ever be able to live on his own so I will always have to care for him. Although he has so many difficulties I feel extremely blessed to have this beautiful child in my life, the only wish I would have though is that I could live a long life so I knew he would be looked after. I am so lucky to have him xxxx

What a moving post - you are a beautiful person.

Renne
14th April 2012, 12:01
Dear Wacky,
I want to tell you that I built a physical jail just like yours in my college dorm for four years, but now I have freed myself from that one!
Autism is just a name we usually use. I have some PTSD characteristics as well, but I don't want to put a certain label on my syndrome. I feel that this is MY syndrome and there is no name or other definition that can fit it properly. And I have to launch a study in it from zero and by myself.
I actually have a diet I'm very proud of! I eat as simple as I can because I can taste really well, and I hate the taste of antiseptics, compound essence or any other additives. And I made myself a great food list according to the Traditional Chinese Medical. I can tell you more if you are really going to do a diet.

Love, Renne

Renne
14th April 2012, 12:20
I just want to say that I think you are very lucky, my son who has autism can't speak yet and eats foods of a certain texture and flaps his hands about a lot. He is very clever with numbers and a lot of people have said that autistic children are not affectionate but he is very loving. He has to go to a special school and he uses a wheel chair a lot of the time. He doesn't like loud noises or being near the ceiling heaters in shops which makes shopping difficult. I do not think he will ever be able to live on his own so I will always have to care for him. Although he has so many difficulties I feel extremely blessed to have this beautiful child in my life, the only wish I would have though is that I could live a long life so I knew he would be looked after. I am so lucky to have him xxxx

Yeah! What a loving post.
I can tell you that in a gentle, soft environment, autistic children grow brighter and healthier with age, really.

¤=[Post Update]=¤


Autism doesn't need "curing"?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...elativity.html

What a good example of NOT being ashamed!

Black Panther
14th April 2012, 12:32
Hey Renne!

Great you share what you experience, with us.

First of all, there is another thread about Austism:
http://projectavalon.net/forum4/showthread.php?39334-Autism-and-the-new-5d-earth-&p=413998#post413998

Putting a label on yourself and thinking you will never free yourself isn't a smart thing,
but I have to tell you that I have felt exactly the same as you describe. Feeling locked up.
I had actually a picture of a sad boy standing in a glass cage. Same as left picture from
David Icke's book "Human race get of your f*c*ing knees". David calls it the bubble or the eggshell.
The right one is the one we have to become again this time.

1555215551

We have to remeber who we really are. That's the new book of David and I begin
to remember who I really am this time. As the conscious grows the ego shrinks
and so we can free ourselves. You are already member of this forum so you are
already more awake and aware than a lot of other people:

15553


Watching Horror movies is not a good idea in my opinion,
because autistic people are not numb in essence. They get numb because they feel so much
that they can't handle it and simply shut down, right? Watching horror movies will enhance that.

Like Waky says that's not a good idea. Than you are feeding the ego,
because the ego loves pain. That's what the ego resonate with.

There is a huge difference between the soul / higher self / conciousness and the ego. You
are consciousness and still the ego is there (little part of you). But by being aware of the ego
YOU are the one in control instead of the ego controlling you.


And right now my soul is so old and pale that not for long it will vanish into void
There is the ego talking, it is not about the soul. The soul doesn't really have age and isn't pale at all.

I can understand you, because you are young and looking at all those crazy people, doing crazy things
and that's why you feel separated from them. Of course you don't want be like them. You don't have
to and it's cool you are different. It's a good thing to be alone a lot of time, because you can work
on yourself without all the distractions of other people/ tv/ radio and all the other noise. But try to
shine your inner light more while being with other people instead of trying to hide. There is no need
to hide! You can say what you want and do what you want. We are all different on this forum and
that's why we incarnated on Earth this time.

:hug:

Renne
14th April 2012, 12:59
There is the ego talking, it is not about the soul. The soul doesn't really have age and isn't pale at all.

No, No, Black Panther, I know my soul really have an old age. When a soul is new born, it's a ball of pure, compact energy, and as it gets older, it gets thinner and thinner. And now I feel my soul as thin as a lifting fog. I am very old, I know that. Sometimes I feel maybe this is my last incarnation.

Houman
14th April 2012, 13:36
do the incurable or 30 days detox program at https://www.herbdoc.com/
see https://herbdocblog.com/books-dvds/ as to why

Black Panther
14th April 2012, 14:17
There is the ego talking, it is not about the soul. The soul doesn't really have age and isn't pale at all.

No, No, Black Panther, I know my soul really have an old age. When a soul is new born, it's a ball of pure, compact energy, and as it gets older, it gets thinner and thinner. And now I feel my soul as thin as a lifting fog. I am very old, I know that. Sometimes I feel maybe this is my last incarnation.

Ok. I'm an old soul too. I was wrong by saying that. But in my opinion Autism is
more a ego thing than having to do with the soul. That was what I was trying to say ;)

A pale and thin soul is something new for me.

Wasn't offending you, was trying to help :o

markpierre
14th April 2012, 14:39
Hey Renne, I remember you!

You'll find your right way. You will. But before that happens, can you have a look sometime at the possibility that you've learned something about yourself that very few people are aware of. You know who you really are,
and you don't have a mask you have to ware to cover it up.
There's the you that struggles sometimes because you want to express, and I know that can feel extreme. But it's because you know how special the inner you is, that you want to express. Most everyone else uses their outward selves to hide that Self from themselves and everyone else. Weird eh?

I was experiencing extreme panic disorder when I was your age. It went on for 10 years without any help at all. I never could tell anyone what was wrong, because I never found out. All of the years I should have been studying and forming my 'plan' were lost in desolation.
Because there was a bigger plan for me.
1, 2, 5, 10 times a day I faced what I felt as dying.
And you know what I learned? I learned to die.
And here I am.
Seemed like a long time, but now it was just a long time ago.

You'll be alright mate, I promise. There's a bigger plan for you.
It's really nice to see you.

percival tyro
14th April 2012, 14:44
Hi Renne, Your name means "reborn". Did you chose it for the Avalon forum or is it your real name.... Wearing scruffy clothes .Do you need others to accept you just for yourself?. My grand daughter who is eight years old has recently been diagnosed as autistic. When she was little I used to think of her, like your photo', a solitary flower in a bleak landscape. She is coming round now often seeing the funny side of our human nature and serene of things as they are. Wishing you lots of love and resourcefulness. Gray

markpierre
14th April 2012, 14:54
"Your name means "reborn"."

Haha..remember Renne? That's really sweet.

Black Panther
14th April 2012, 14:58
Hi Renne, Your name means "reborn". Did you chose it for the Avalon forum or is it your real name.... Wearing scruffy clothes .Do you need others to accept you just for yourself?. My grand daughter who is eight years old has recently been diagnosed as autistic. When she was little I used to think of her, like your photo', a solitary flower in a bleak landscape. She is coming round now often seeing the funny side of our human nature and serene of things as they are. Wishing you lots of love and resourcefulness. Gray

I was looking at the Avatar too. That's exactly where you are talking about.
Even though the world we live in isn't that wonderful as it should be and as
it will be, we can still be the beautiful flower. The flower looks isolated but is
still connected with everything and everyone.

15555

dan i el
14th April 2012, 15:11
Autism and Asperger's syndrome is classified as a 'neurological development "disorder"'. It is not an "illness". In the case of High Functioning Autism such as Asperger's much of the important breakthroughs in human society are now retrospectively thought to have been accomplished by "Aspies".

Being one and knowing others, it becomes clear that this condition is not something which can be "cured".. I know of nobody with Aspergers who would even want to be "cured".

The brain actually is wired different bio electrically. One theory posits that the % of Neanderthal DNA is higher in Autistic people. Thus their strengths are negated and conceived as "weaknesses" in a majority neurotypical world.

Personally speaking, I think it is illinformed and bad advice to tell people with Asperger's "don't worry, you will get over beyond this and feel freer later". More prescient is to realise the realities of the condition, come to terms with them and to STOP "trying to be neurotypical", otherwise a lifelong burden of feeling inadequate can result. If you are an Aspie - accept it, don't wish you weren't. It's not a bad thing. Vive la Difference etc.

JMHO

fathertedsmate
14th April 2012, 15:34
google MMS and Autism,some amazing results over last 18 months,

Renne
14th April 2012, 15:50
Hello, Mark. it's nice to talk to you again!
I believe what you said, I do.
Not having an outward self make me simpler,and that's good. And I will be alright, no matter how impossbly big this plan looks, I'm always connected.
And it's so nice to have someone to tell me about this instead of knowing it alone in my little unsharing world. This is the second time you helped me with my confusion, well, the third. And thank you very much!

Renne

Renne
14th April 2012, 16:14
Gray- I'm so glad you recognised my name and my photo. I actually made this name up,it sounds similar to my real Chinese name. And then I found out it means 'reborn'.
Mark- Yes, I remember the 'rebirth'! And also that you remind me how this name contains a lot of power.
Panther- Nice photo! Except that the colour is too summery :P

ginnyk
14th April 2012, 17:46
Hi Renne - Please accept my unconditional love for the beautiful person you are. My grandson is high functioning autistic. He is almost 18 and my daughter has raised him with deep spiritual values. He is truly one of the awakened ones on the cusp of participating in the development of our beautiful new world.

I smile at the use of the word "neurotypical". From an outside world point of view, probably not a single one of us would conform to the definition. ;)

Ginny