PDA

View Full Version : Speechless



Sapphire
30th April 2012, 17:59
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=45427

....and they all agree with him. :jaw:

crosby
30th April 2012, 18:02
hahahahahahahahah. welcome to Project Avalon, Sapphire.
too funny.
regards, corson

PurpleLama
30th April 2012, 18:15
Everyone knows people are held to the earth by static electricity. Srsly.

nearing
30th April 2012, 18:17
Wow. My faith in the fundamental intelligence of humanity just took a dive.

This defies explanation.

Earth Angel
30th April 2012, 18:19
:loco: :crazy: :laugh: :wacko: :bs: :P:no: :haha: ......the scary part is one of these so called Christians who offers counseling :laugh: has for their signature a picture of the bumper stick ' don't re-nig'...........do they teach racism in the bible too?

PurpleLama
30th April 2012, 18:22
Oh, wow, I am now waiting for "Corningware- a sign of the end times" to load. Dang, now it says server error, and I was seriously looking forward to that one!

=[Post Update]=


Wow. My faith in the fundamental intelligence of humanity just took a dive.

This defies explanation.

Yes, but what about your confidence in the Universe's sense of humor?

noprophet
30th April 2012, 18:24
In any other context I would have assumed it was satire.

"You know you have successfully created god in your own image when he hates all the same people you do."

cloud9
30th April 2012, 18:26
Wow!!! Dos you guys read the story about the prostitutes in Las Vegas???
After that I clicked the link GAPE and... well, there's nothing more convenient that make the bible fit their believes!
Even the language is so conniving! I don't know what else to say...

nearing
30th April 2012, 18:27
Oh, wow, I am now waiting for "Corningware- a sign of the end times" to load. Dang, now it says server error, and I was seriously looking forward to that one!

=[Post Update]=


Wow. My faith in the fundamental intelligence of humanity just took a dive.

This defies explanation.

Yes, but what about your confidence in the Universe's sense of humor?

To tell you the truth, I find this more scary than funny.

PurpleLama
30th April 2012, 18:36
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/

=[Post Update]=

We have a permanent injunction against all unsaved persons. If you are unsaved, you are not allowed within a 10-mile radius of our church, nor are you allowed on this website. Kindly leave, and be about the Devil's business, for you are not welcome here. Glory!

If you are interested in getting saved, and you are not joking around about it just to upset us, we ask you kindly to click on this link and we'll help you get started on processing your eternal security certification right away!

=[Post Update]=

Get a Heart On For Jesus Campaign!
Join your anointed and freshly washed hands with millions of important Christians across America!

Earth Angel
30th April 2012, 18:37
that's a keeper!! love it


In any other context I would have assumed it was satire.

"You know you have successfully created god in your own image when he hates all the same people you do."

noprophet
30th April 2012, 18:47
that's a keeper!! love it


In any other context I would have assumed it was satire.

"You know you have successfully created god in your own image when he hates all the same people you do."

I forget where I read that originally but it came from a priest :p

Fred Steeves
30th April 2012, 18:55
I wonder if Bill would consider interviewing him? Maybe there's something we're just plain missing?

Dennis Leahy
30th April 2012, 19:20
It just dawned on me: folks at Avalon routinely talk about 4th 5th, 7th, 10th dimensional existence, and use the term "3-D" to speak of the mundane world. These scripture-snorting sleepwalkers are struggling with "2-D."

It feels smug and snotty to laugh at these folks, but Jesus H Christ, it is impossible not to.

Some gems:

" Dreams and goals are Satan's way of distracting me!"


(Regarding the experiment to blow up a balloon and place a tiny piece of paper on the bottom - thus disproving a spherical Earth)
"I actually tried this, Brother, but the speck of paper stuck on the bottom. I am a little confused now, could it be that it is because of "electrostatic force," which is something atheists babble about when something does anything that can't be explained by gravity, or is it Satan messing things up again?"

and another:
"I had similar results with the paper. The Bible doesn't mention anything about static electricity, so I think it's safe to assume the devil is trying to confuse you.

We True Christians aren't confused so easily by paper sticking to balloons, yet it is so easy for scientists to be confused by their telescopes and carbon dating. It really shows you how dumb they are."

Sidney
30th April 2012, 19:22
I wonder if Bill would consider interviewing him? Maybe there's something we're just plain missing?



NOT.........lol

webyourstuff
30th April 2012, 19:31
They are joking. (Er... aren't they?) :baby:

PurpleLama
30th April 2012, 19:39
This screen I'm staring at seems rather two dimensional. I think the devil is trying to confuse me again. The squirrelly bastard.


It just dawned on me: folks at Avalon routinely talk about 4th 5th, 7th, 10th dimensional existence, and use the term "3-D" to speak of the mundane world. These scripture-snorting sleepwalkers are struggling with "2-D."

It feels smug and snotty to laugh at these folks, but Jesus H Christ, it is impossible not to.

Some gems:

" Dreams and goals are Satan's way of distracting me!"


(Regarding the experiment to blow up a balloon and place a tiny piece of paper on the bottom - thus disproving a spherical Earth)
"I actually tried this, Brother, but the speck of paper stuck on the bottom. I am a little confused now, could it be that it is because of "electrostatic force," which is something atheists babble about when something does anything that can't be explained by gravity, or is it Satan messing things up again?"

and another:
"I had similar results with the paper. The Bible doesn't mention anything about static electricity, so I think it's safe to assume the devil is trying to confuse you.

We True Christians aren't confused so easily by paper sticking to balloons, yet it is so easy for scientists to be confused by their telescopes and carbon dating. It really shows you how dumb they are."

Neptun
30th April 2012, 20:00
I guess they also believe in Global Warming

Why is it I feel like I'm in Idiocracy?

PurpleLama
30th April 2012, 20:01
Ok, ok, everybody, REST YOUR MINDS AT EASE.

The entire website is a parody. A spoof. Do not be alarmed at the overwhelming stupidity, it is not for real. But it is really, really funny. What is not funny is there are plenty of people who wouldn't get the joke, and would take it as serious biblical discussion.

mountain_jim
30th April 2012, 20:04
I thank the Southern Baptist Convention and the Brainerd Baptist Church for providing the (sublime) catalysts in my youth which started me on the path of self-awareness and self-awakening, which continues here today (and most days) at Avalon.

Because so much I was told was Truth there was so obviously a bad joke on any thinking or intuitive BEING that I had to start looking elsewhere for answers, and fast.

For example, from the pulpit, Dr. J Ralph McIntyre stated that it was not enough to come to Sunday school and church every Sunday morning. If you did not also come Sunday night to Training Union, your Immortal Soul was very probably going to HELL. To roast in the Eternal Damnation of the DAMNED forever.

And lots more absurd abuse from that pulpit.

And to think in my younger days I let that misguided soul plunge me under the water, holding me down for way too long, while my proud parents and hundreds in the congregation looked on with approval.

I will not have anything to do with organized religion to this day.

Earth Angel
30th April 2012, 20:06
you sure??? i really hope so ........Ive read quite a few posts and it really does seem like these people are NOT attempting HUMOUR.........there are way too many biblical quotes for that kind of messing around



Ok, ok, everybody, REST YOUR MINDS AT EASE.

The entire website is a parody. A spoof. Do not be alarmed at the overwhelming stupidity, it is not for real. But it is really, really funny. What is not funny is there are plenty of people who wouldn't get the joke, and would take it as serious biblical discussion.

I looked at the FAQ page and to be honest, it really is not funny if that's what they are going for......I don't know what's worse....that people do think this way , or that people put this much effort into it if its just a joke.......I still dont know what to think

nearing
30th April 2012, 20:10
Where does it state this is a parody/satire?

kingmonkey
30th April 2012, 20:33
He is not the only one.......

http://theflatearthsociety.org/cms/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flat_Earth_Society

Its people like this that give conspiracy theorists a bad name..... ;)

Vrilya
30th April 2012, 20:33
That was so unbelievable shouldn't we be Christ like and send them a link to www.hiddenmeanings.com

Or would they consider that Blasphemy ??

Love and Blessings Always,
V

Nomatic
30th April 2012, 20:41
I checked this church on wikipedia and it is a satirical website and pretty funny actually!

Neptun
30th April 2012, 20:53
Ok, ok, everybody, REST YOUR MINDS AT EASE.

The entire website is a parody. A spoof. Do not be alarmed at the overwhelming stupidity, it is not for real. But it is really, really funny. What is not funny is there are plenty of people who wouldn't get the joke, and would take it as serious biblical discussion.
I think it is wishful thinking, that you think they made an irony joke, when they are some of the dumbest people, I have ever seen.

We in Denmark use heavy hidden sarcasm and irony. Americans don't do that without underlining it.

When I am around Americans, I have to block my irony/sarcasm humor center in my brain to understand American jokes. Maybe the irony humor center in my brain has been activated again. Who knows?

PurpleLama
30th April 2012, 21:03
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0701/dating.html

Read this, from the main website, not the forum. Do you still believe this is not a joke? If so, you are obviously confused by Satan or possessed by a demon, or something. Pay special attention to the ads on the sides of the page.

1. COMB YOUR HAIR
Head lice are very common among Christian men, especially Pentecostals. Although it is a normal and natural blessing from God to have head lice, you should certainly wash your hair before your date if only for the reason to avoid the temptation of putting your arm around the young lady while lifting to scratch your head.

2. PRAY
Spend the day before your date with at least 6-hours of solitary prayer in a prayer-closet or a confined area. Ask the Lord to guide your words and actions. Ask Jesus to help you control your lust and pray that you will have a nightly emission before the date, thus making it easier for your carnal mind to operate on a level that is strictly spiritual. Do not masturbate in your prayer-closet unless you are thinking about Jesus. Click here for more detailed spiritual guidance on masturbation.

3. PURCHASE A RING
Visit a jewelry store and purchase a diamond ring. For the Christian man, every date is a potential mate. If she is the right gal, you will want to pop the question as soon as possible. It is always handy to have the engagement ring available.

4. RECITE VERSES
When you are on the date, use awkward moments of silence to quote scripture, or sing a favorite hymn. All women are impressed with such things. If she is not woo'd by this, it is a sign that she might be possessed by a demon. Take her to your church and drop her off by the back gate with a note to the pastor taped to her forehead. Be sure to secure her to a tree or post using chains or rope so that she won't get away during the night.

5. SPRUCE UP!
Wear Christian cologne. The only Christian cologne available is "Betty Bowers' The Essence Of Christian Men." If you do not have any Christian cologne, rub your face in a Bible until you smell like the pages.

6. TAKE HER TO VISIT GOD
The best place for a first date is church. Oh, how impressed your sweetheart will be when she finds out you are taking her to Sunday evening services! Then, a romantic dinner at Denny's!

7. GRILL HER FAITH
Use the time at the restaurant to find out if your sweetheart is really saved. Question her salvation at least 15 times. Make sure she knows the exact day and hour (and preferably the exact minute) she met Jesus.

8. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION
If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or underneath your hiney. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.

9. PRACTICE YOUR LINES
Some Christian phrases that will help you "woo" the lesser sex are, "I'm almost as crazy about you as I am about Jesus," "Your long hair is the glory of your humility (I Corinthians 11: 11-15)," and "God broke the mold when he made your sweet face."

10. KEEP THE PASSION SUPPRESSED
If the bandage work on your penis fails in the slightest bit, excuse yourself for the men's room and re-adjust the harnessing.

11. AVOID TOUCHING!
Make certain that there is no personal contact (PC) on this first date. Even if she has said "yes" to marriage, it is highly recommended that you refrain from even holding hands for at least two years until the courtship is over and you are whisked away on your honeymoon!



Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find a life partner that is suitable, submissive, and steadfast.

Neptun
30th April 2012, 21:09
PurpleLama,

Americans don't use hidden irony like we do us from Denmark.

It is wishful thinking. They are that stupid and you can't get accept it, so therefore you think they made it up. :p

That is very common among Christians that are serious about their religion:
11. AVOID TOUCHING!
Make certain that there is no personal contact (PC) on this first date. Even if she has said "yes" to marriage, it is highly recommended that you refrain from even holding hands for at least two years until the courtship is over and you are whisked away on your honeymoon!

jorr lundstrom
30th April 2012, 21:15
Giggling is really nice.............................and a good
belly laugh is even nicer.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc_-icFHwQo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc_-icFHwQo


All is well


Jorr 2.0

PurpleLama
30th April 2012, 21:17
I think you are using some of that "hidden irony" on me right now. It must be a trick from the Devil, or from the Scientists.

*purplelama goes to wash his mouth out to get rid of the taste of the word "scientist" because it reminds him so much of the word "atheist"*

*upon further thought, every word ending in "-ist" might be a word meant by the devil to confuse us*

Neptun
30th April 2012, 21:19
jorr,

I think this one is even funnier than your crazy bird

f-Kt_kuYVtU

Neptun
30th April 2012, 21:25
PurpleLama,

Indeed. It was danish hidden irony humor light. Normally we would not indicate we are using irony.

Danes often make irony jokes that make you wonder if they really mean it or if it is irony. If you accidentally think, they really mean it and they used irony, they will laugh at you and you will feel very stupid and naive.

It is those types of games that keep us on our feet and alert all the time, because we can easy end up looking like fools.

I don't use hardcore danish irony humor on this site though.

PurpleLama
30th April 2012, 21:31
You better be careful around any magnets, with all that irony you have.

miqeel
30th April 2012, 21:34
Phew, thank Lord that its a spoof, its a good one, some of the posts are genuinely hillarious

Neptun
30th April 2012, 21:34
This is an old classic and the funniest youtube I have ever seen. I laughed for days when I thought about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODMYcTJGRiY

===

[Mod-edit: some thought this video funny, and some thought it inappropriate. So I split the difference and made the link inactive. The Youtube title for this video is accurate enough: "Donkey humping man". -Paul]

jorr lundstrom
30th April 2012, 21:43
Some places its almost like ordering a pizza. No irony intended. :faint:




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3Z8jmPRPUQ&feature=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3Z8jmPRPUQ&feature=relmfu


All is well


Jorr 2.0

Neptun
30th April 2012, 21:52
jorr,

My GOD! It looks like danish irony to me. Hopefully!

This one is a real Swedish roadsign. The first one was rejected and replaced with a more doll one:
http://www.sinoconcept.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/gender-mainstreaming1-300x187.jpg

Both Denmark and Sweden have extreme feminists that are powergrabbing on all fronts. Now they want to have female roadsigns too.

Danish femi-nazi powergrab:
"Women have a whole floor to themselves at Danish hotel"
http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20120101/business-news/Women-have-a-whole-floor-to-themselves-at-Danish-hotel.400570

Ernie Nemeth
30th April 2012, 21:54
I'm glad I never jumped up off the back of my buddy's truck! I'da broken my neck...lol

Neptun
30th April 2012, 22:15
More femi-nazi craziness from Sweden:

"Boys and girls abolished in Sweden

The category of gender was canceled at one of Swedish kindergartens. The words "boy" and "girl" are no longer used there, while pronouns "he" and "she" were replaced with "it". Kindergarten teachers believe that they are successfully breaking the gender stereotypes so that the people of two sexes would not feel predominant towards each other. Experts say, though, that such seeming equality may lead to the genetic rebirth of the population and to the decline of human civilization.

The bizarre mission is taking place in the Swedish preschool called "Egalia." In this kindergarten, pronouns 'han' (he) and 'hon' (she) were replaced with genderless 'hen'."

http://english.pravda.ru/society/stories/20-07-2011/118541-gender_equality-0/

I read in the danish newspaper a school in Denmark did not allow boys to pee standing. They had to pee like a girl.

And an insane lesbian man-hating femi-nazi polician(sorry for my political incorrect language. That is how we communicate when we get passionate) had made it possible for women to stand up and pee. It is all about domination. The manhating feminists wants to be more powerful than men and infiltrate all power structures and use government to create laws in their favor. It is the New World Order agenda.

Scandinavia (Denmark/Sweden/Norway) is the test zone for the brave new world New World Order programming.

About Brave New Denmark(The future USA programming):
http://www.rense.com/general79/brave.htm

This is how it looks like. The picture is from a danish national newspaper:
http://multimedia.jp.dk/archive/00322/OK_Pollee_h_jre_322463e.jpg

Translation of the article:
http://translate.google.com/translate?sl=da&tl=en&js=n&prev=_t&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&layout=2&eotf=1&u=http%3A%2F%2Fjp.dk%2Findland%2Fkbh%2Farticle2713 877.ece

It is not harmless at all. IT'S SOCIAL ENGINEERING!

Kindred
30th April 2012, 22:33
Ok, ok, everybody, REST YOUR MINDS AT EASE.

The entire website is a parody. A spoof. Do not be alarmed at the overwhelming stupidity, it is not for real. But it is really, really funny. What is not funny is there are plenty of people who wouldn't get the joke, and would take it as serious biblical discussion.

from Wikipedia; (not that WP is an 'authority', but it does have the citations to prove this item)

The Landover Baptist Church is a fictional[1] Baptist church based in the fictional town of Freehold, Iowa. The Landover Baptist web site and its associated Landoverbaptist.net Forum are a satire of fundamentalist Christianity and the Religious Right in the United States.

The site was created by Chris Harper, who obtained his Master's Degree in English Literature from George Mason University in 1993 after being expelled from Liberty University (founded by Jerry Falwell) in 1989 for producing a satirical radio show which Liberty's administration found offensive.[2]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh well.... it was 'scary fun' to read! Just the same, I've got to believe there are those that follow this paradigm. On this note, I recount that in Joshuah Slocum's book "Sailing Alone Around the World, which was an account of his sailing journey of just such a feat around the turn of the last century (1900), he had arrived in South Africa, and due to the 'celebrity' he enjoyed with his endeavor (telegraph had been invented, and thus news was available in 'modern' areas) he was invited to dinner with the 'president' / prime minister. The PM finally asked Mr. Slocum, "Don't you mean that you are sailing Across the World?" This PM was of the mind that the World was Flat!!! In 1900!!! And a powerful politician at that!

Neptun
30th April 2012, 23:04
Feminism Was Created To Destabilize Society, Tax Women and set up the NWO - Aaron Russo
zCpjmvaIgNA
"Feminism is the WORST thing to happen to women" (Suzanne Venker, NPR interview)
qH-mjGNqlHs

Realeyes
30th April 2012, 23:06
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=45427

....and they all agree with him. :jaw:

Hi Sapphire

Great title for a post; I too am speechless and dumb-founded. I read the link and all the comment posts that followed. I really thought we had advanced beyond 'flat-land' mentality - apparently not by this website.

Geees... I just hope this is different timelines one is temporarily dipping into - straddling of sorts.........

or else I have suddenly found myself in the wrong timeline! :gaah: :gaah: :gaah: :gaah: :gaah:

OnyxKnight
30th April 2012, 23:37
Not sure if trolls or just ...


If there was any serious argument on my side how religion can be used to dumb people down - this would be it.

lightseeker
30th April 2012, 23:53
Mountain Jim, I gave up on ALL religion many years ago. AMEN to that!!

loc333
30th April 2012, 23:53
purplelama you say it a joke but i still have a knot in my stomach......if the world ends this year i really wouldnt mind.

Neptun
30th April 2012, 23:57
purplelama you say it a joke but i still have a knot in my stomach......if the world ends this year i really wouldnt mind.

It only ends for those that have no humor. ;)

I'm not sure if I understood my own joke.

loc333
1st May 2012, 00:07
there was a little sarcasm in that neptune...............my friend..

Earth Angel
1st May 2012, 00:14
I still think this may have originated as a joke site but the people who are on there posting are serious.......they believe a lot of this :bs:

Neptun
1st May 2012, 00:18
there was a little sarcasm in that neptune...............my friend..

I noticed, but played along :p

That is the I pretend I didn't get the hidden sarcasm and go along with it and build more hidden irony onto it. You could pretend you didn't notice my hidden irony and use hidden irony. Soon it would be a very complicated hidden irony joke that can explode, when one of us is not sure if the other was using irony or not.

loc333
1st May 2012, 00:33
you win im already into my 4th beer, i brought a knife to a gun fight my friend please continue.....im out peace.

Neptun
1st May 2012, 00:46
you win im already into my 4th beer, i brought a knife to a gun fight my friend please continue.....im out peace.

No it was not a knife - No offense. It was a toothpick to a nuke fight. Danish humor probably has the most advanced hidden sarcasm or irony in the world. British humor is similar.

It is never a good idea to enter an argument with a British person. These people have made argumentation an art form. I avoid arguments with British people because of that.

This is the European Parliament:
dranqFntNgo

loc333
1st May 2012, 01:03
i see what ive gotten into here...danish sense of humor......you win again....i brought sand to the beach .

UnrealDreams
1st May 2012, 01:09
Since we are on the subject...has anyone seen this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16X4MwDzIUE

Part of video description:
The Earth rotates at 0-1040 mi/hr (depends on latitude)
The Earth orbits the sun at aprox. 66,629 mi/hr
The sun orbits the galactic centre at aprox. 447,000 mi/hr

In just considering how fast the sun is moving, we know the Earth travels at least 3,918,402,000 miles in a years time! (as it also orbits around the sun)

Khaleesi
1st May 2012, 04:13
I think I'll keep my views to myself in case my religion (hindu, islam, budhaism, shamanism, satanism, sihk or any other religion you can think to add here) is the next to be targeted for ridicule by such enlightened folks. So nice to know you are all so tolerant of anyone that has different beliefs. Also nice to know you are all so gullible.

dim
1st May 2012, 04:54
Every time i see such extreme examples of human madness i can't help but ponder
of how stupid, ignorant and unconscious i would sound like to some higher intelligence that
might happen to be listening.

Fred Steeves
1st May 2012, 10:58
This is an old classic and the funniest youtube I have ever seen. I laughed for days when I thought about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODMYcTJGRiY

===

[Mod-edit: some thought this video funny, and some thought it inappropriate. So I split the difference and made the link inactive. The Youtube title for this video is accurate enough: "Donkey humping man". -Paul]

I just love a happy ending.

Eram
1st May 2012, 13:18
Since we are on the subject...has anyone seen this:

16X4MwDzIUE

Part of video description:
The Earth rotates at 0-1040 mi/hr (depends on latitude)
The Earth orbits the sun at aprox. 66,629 mi/hr
The sun orbits the galactic centre at aprox. 447,000 mi/hr

In just considering how fast the sun is moving, we know the Earth travels at least 3,918,402,000 miles in a years time! (as it also orbits around the sun)

awesome UnrealDreams,

Never thought of it this way.
beautiful video.

So much more harmony like this!

conk
1st May 2012, 18:21
Every time we laugh, God kills a puppy.

OnyxKnight
2nd May 2012, 07:24
I hope Neptun understands the difference between feminism and this cancerous mutation that's plaguing it nowadays.

I'm just saying that because I think you are generalizing waaaay to much on this issue.