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Carolin
9th May 2012, 17:32
We all have something we struggle with in life. This thread is about opening your heart and letting the pain out. It's about being real and allowing yourself to be human. Hopefully it will help us heal with self discovery or at the very least become more empathetic towards each other.

We all know enough about what's going on in the world to understand that our issue might be nothing in the big scheme of things. We are all spiritually advanced enough here to understand these challenges might be karmic, a life lesson, or "thy will". We probably all get that none of this is real, life is an illusion, and we are all just players on a stage, bla, bla, bla. So please save the meaningless platitudes.

My struggle is infertility. I was pretty young when we got married, busy with my step kids and starting a business, so we didn't try right away. After one miscarriage and ten years of perfectly timed sex we finally realized it was too late. I chose not to participate in fertility treatment because of the hormone therapy. My Grandmother died of uterine cancer and my Mom had breast cancer, therefore, I'm predisposed to hormone induced cancers.

It's seemingly unfair because I'm the favourite Aunt, Godmother to many, the one who's down on the floor with the kids while the adults talk, my store is geared to children (big and small) and I couldn't conceive.

So here we are much later in life trying to adopt. Dealing with CAS is like getting a colonoscopy......they are very invasive and they root around in your crap. And it's really scary going this route because of the complications these children might have either physically or mentally.

One of the hardest things to deal with is people's insensitivity.......they just don't get it. My husband's resistance to adoption. My brothers' joking that I should be doing the dishes last Mother's Day because I wasn't a Mom. My stepdaughter not filling out the reference for CAS adoption process. Girlfriends going on and on and on about their kids. Customers making comments like "Oh, I guess it wasn't meant to be". I know I'm hypersensitive but seriously wtf is wrong with people!!

Again, this is not about getting sympathy, attention or being attached to drama. It's about having the courage to let out the pain and in doing so letting it go.

foreverfan
9th May 2012, 17:53
Letting go to this world would be so easy for me. I only live for my wife and daughter. Living in this 3d reality is a constant struggle because I live a life in constant physical pain due to open heart surgery and damaged nerves four years ago. Not much else really matters to me anymore. I'm not rich or poor. I still pray everyday.

I'm glad that this reality is just an illusion. Both my wife and I are finished with everything we've come to do here on Earth and look forward to moving on. I don't watch TV anymore. In fact, we've cancelled Cable TV as a statement to our beliefs... besides... nowadays the Internet is so much more interesting, and I have TV for free streaming to my PC if I want it.

I trust that Drake and Wilcock are telling the truth to the best of their knowledge. I trust and believe that UFO's are real. I'm not so sure about Ascension in 2012 despite the evidence. I'd love to continue on in the 4d. I love my childhood and thank God for my life.

I'd only vote for Ron Paul in 2012. I gladly die for the cause. Besides it would be my big chance to get away from it all.

I could go on... I won't bore you with the details... and no... I not depressed about it. I'm surrounded by too much love.

FF

wynderer
9th May 2012, 17:58
my struggle has been two-fold :

1) trying to wake Humans up to the fact that the survival of their species is in danger

2) trying to get Humans to see that you are creating mass karma for yourselves by how you treat the other Animals on this planet

pilotsimone
9th May 2012, 18:16
deleted post

RunningDeer
9th May 2012, 18:50
My only child, Michael, committed suicide when he was 23 years old. My greatest challenge was to show him that you don't quit. The journey was to feel the fear, anger, sadness, rage and all the ugliness, and come out the other side, to a state of peace. I stand here and say that I would not change one moment in my life. It has brought me to this NOW moment. I've had the opportunity to see life from the larger perspective.

So my extended challenge is to assist any way I can to bring as many that are willing to walk into our expanded lives. I accomplish that by giving myself permission to feel the fear, as I keep walking. Though, fear no longer feels the same as it once did.

UPDATE: Thank you, Carolin, for this thread. Thank all that demonstrate courage to share (or privately eliminate) what may have once held their spirits hostage.

pilotsimone
9th May 2012, 18:55
Thank you so much for being here, WhiteCrowBlackDeer. :hug:

RunningDeer
9th May 2012, 19:13
To not worry about my heart breaking, ...

Dear pilotsimone, I'm still working on this one, too. There's this inner knowing that human beings' hearts will breath and live with rhythm of a new kind. Excited for this New World unfolding for us all.

:hug: back

Vala
9th May 2012, 19:39
Blessings to all of you who have overcome so much adversity.

My biggest challenge, letting go of things that I have no control over. I can be accountable and responsible for my thoughts, perceptions, blocks and limiting beliefs, my heart, happiness, passions and how I express myself, my level of awareness and acknowledgement, my connections and how I co-create with others. But, everything else I have to let go of.

Wishing you all abundance,

Star

mojo
9th May 2012, 20:30
I honor all of you that shared...one of my greatest is working on forgiveness with my ex.

the_vast_mystery
9th May 2012, 21:11
I struggle predominantly with being able to give myself a reason to live for (that I can believe in) despite feelings of inescapably low self-worth that were born out of a highly abusive childhood. I never got the love and validation I needed in my formative years and instead was regularly beaten by other children (sometimes by groups, to the point of broken bones, bloody faces, and severe sprains). I had my arm broken by one before I even entered kindergarten, had a seizure at age 7 due to the stress from being forced to go to school and deal with all the bullying, then was put on anti-depressants that made things worse, at age 8 I had my first nervous breakdown and transferred schools where the bullying became less physical and more cerebral (my every mistake was constantly shoved in my face to the point I became obsessively self-critical to try and make it stop) and I had yet another nervous breakdown due to that in 6th grade.

My parents, for what it's worth, did what they reasonably could be expected to. They talked to the school, the school not only didn't punish the bullies but in many cases took their sides. I actually had to tell my mom to stop talking to the school at one point because the bullies began retaliating by getting enough other children to tell lies to the recess monitors about things I was supposedly doing in areas they weren't looking so as to get me in trouble. I had no friends, so who's the school going to listen to? Of course not me, LOL!

Aside from talking to the school though my parents were workaholics and I really very rarely interacted with them when they weren't taking me to/from somewhere. After the second nervous breakdown my mom tried to get more involved in my life but she was a very conservative person and became an ardent Jehova's Witness right around then, which meant that all the time she spent with me really devolved into her becoming a domineering religious authoritarian figure in my life. She did it to "save my soul" and I can understand her motives, but ultimately her actions only made things worse by trying to force me against my will into yet another situation I wanted no part of (a religion I was not interested in, where I had to constantly lie to fit in.)

I was shoved into classes for kids with "Emotional problems" and put on anti-depressants for most of my remaining school-age life. I wonder if that's the reason why I have such a hard time maintaining any sense of stoicism in my life, as I never built a firm base of "This is who I am!" in childhood, I was constantly trying to kill myself or run away until Jr year of high school. Things got better when I was 16 and finally managed to get myself back into regular classes. By then all of the kids that had used to beat me up were popular and apparently felt horribly sorry for what they had done; I managed to barely graduate due to a transfer error but I only was ever able to make one real friend the entire time because of both my reluctance to socialize or really trust anyone, and also because my mom was so restrictive with even allowing me out of the house (until I turned 18 and graduated) that I didn't even want to bother fighting her, or coming up with some elaborate teenage scheme to get around her. I ended up contributing to my own lack of social development by refusing to stand up for myself.

Today, I'm mostly successful by a lot of people's standards. I mean at least I'm doing okay financially compared to where most people are, but I can't ever manage to get over my innately overpowering desire to have my life validated through the love of another person. In short, I tend to be obsessed with the idea of finding a romantic partner as a means to securing my own feeling of worthiness in the world as it's the only way I can fully accept I have earned the type of loving regard I sought. But due to lack of social development and lack of any real personal development (since I never really got beyond the, I need to be loved, phase of my life to actually develop a real personality of my own) I can't really expect that to happen. As well, since most of my ideas about what relationships should be came from fiction I have what many would consider to be unrealistic expectations and that only makes it harder for me. Since knowing they're unrealistic does not make me want to change them, it makes me depressed and nihilistic about my life since it's like being told you can never achieve anything you desire so why bother living life at all? So that just ends up with my life having been a giant battle between the part of me that, for some unknowable reason, still really wants to live at any cost, and the part of me that demands a worthwhile reason to continue a life defined by how much suffering I could escape versus how much joy I could feel.

I want to feel good about myself, and to have a reason to continue doing things, but I have such high criteria for what would qualify as a justifiable reason that I think I've in the end set up my own inescapable catch-22. So really my days are all about finding what little ways I have left to distract myself from my own unreasonable demands and impossible expectations I developed about how my life was going to turn out. While in a sense you can say my childhood led to that I can't deny my own part of the responsibility in maintaining that state. But unfortunately I'm faced with a paradox of trust, if I abandon my own promises, however misguided, that I made to myself about the type of life I was going to have someday, then I can't trust anything else from anyone else in regards to how I handle the situation. I have enough trust issues in just believing other people, let alone introducing more by basically confirming that I cannot even believe myself when I say something in all seriousness (Because it might be yet another lie made up to trick myself into surviving despite all indications being that continued living is only an invitation to more negative situations) to myself as a reason for believing in my own worth.

You never know what life may bring into your way the next day, so I can't say how my story will end but if current trends continue by all measurable means it won't end well. Fortunately living in California gives me a few legal alternatives not available in every other state to give my day to day a little more of a balance (by giving me something to look forward to, however infinitesimal, when I return home. Guaranteed mood elevation.)

RunningDeer
9th May 2012, 21:45
Hi the_vast_mystery,

It appears that you've had the opportunity to clean up a lot of karma. Congratulations! Only a Strong Spirit Warrior can walk that path. And it appears that a second congratulations is in order. No need "to look forward": Now - You choose to be the Artist of your life - Create the Reality.

Welcome home! :hug:


You never know what life may bring into your way the next day, so I can't say how my story will end but if current trends continue by all measurable means it won't end well. Fortunately living in California gives me a few legal alternatives not available in every other state to give my day to day a little more of a balance (by giving me something to look forward to, however infinitesimal, when I return home. Guaranteed mood elevation.)

Sidney
9th May 2012, 22:31
Well, this is sort of a can of worm for me because I sort of have a lot of challenges. But My biggest one, probably is that I am stubborn by nature, and have problems with forgiveness, others, and myself. I have really really tried, and in the process have build my exterior "wall" higher and thicker than it was before.

The _vast_mystery, I can honestly say I have been there. Getting sick with a chronic debilitating illness at the height of my educational process , I was always my mothers biggest failure. Still am, now my children are my career, and I have to be ok with that. I honestly feel that if I was not meant to be here, I would have taken care of it a long time ago. Always know you are not alone.
I find I can connect with most of the postings on this thread, but also realize now that my challenges are small in comparison to others. WCBD I am so sorry for your loss, enduring the loss of a child, and your spirit is so upbeat inspiring.
And Carolin, I am glad you have not chosen fertility treatments. My sister chose that route, and her story ended with ovarian cancer, which she lost the battle to. My heart breaks for you, as I know too well the void in your heart. For what it is worth, I get it. Thank you for this opportunity to break a stone or two off of my wall.

christian
9th May 2012, 23:32
taking self-responsibility, being the change I want to see

In many ways I'm still a part of 'the system'.

being gentle

Hot temper mixed with rigidity, very prevalent in my biological father's family, especially the males there regularly threw uncontrolled fits of raving madness, haven't heard from him or anyone else in his family since I was a small child, so I deal with it in some kind of isolation. I'm still on my way from having been able to somewhat supress that to now transform (!) that aggressive potential. Especially in physical group conversations about 'important' things, my heart starts racing and I feel the urge to create a scene somehow, when I get the feeling, that people do not express absolute focus, determination and seriousness and even have the audacity to come up with something I consider narrow-minded what-have-you. I feel violent, when I get the impression that people are unwilling to try new perspectives and are more interested in hearing themselves talk than in actually being part of an individual and collective learning process.

not being offended

I take myself to seriously apparently, I struggle with the knowledge, that there are vast powers inside everyone and feel personally offended when people operate from what I perceive as not the highest motivations.

getting rid of petty limitations

There are many things I adhere to, do not allow myself, routines I follow etc. for rather shallow or canting reasons.

I think actually most people struggle with other people's behaviour. Given two possibilities, one is "people acting in accordance with your wishes" and the other is "being able to cope with anything in a detached, tranquil and genuinely healing way", what would you prefer?

Seikou-Kishi
10th May 2012, 00:27
I guess the hardest thing for me is living up to my ideals... and knowing what they are. I guess they would be 'practicals' rather than ideals if I did live up to them, but so many things afterwards I wish I had done differently. Then I ask myself if I should forgive myself for failing in some way and when I think that I ask myself if I'm letting myself off the hook: forgiveness and absolution are not the same thing. Then I wonder if there even really is a hook and ask myself if it is just self-limiting behaviour I've learned. In the end, I think so many different and contradictory things I have no way of reaching a conclusion and no idea even what my own opinion is.

Like for example I have slowly come to a 'cause no suffering' thing. I frequently fail and sometimes I just don't bother trying. But I wonder is it ok to harm another person to prevent them harming me, or should I take some pious 'I would rather you harm me than make me into a harmer' route? Then I wonder if I'm kidding myself. Then I say to myself well things aren't always so cut and dry. If it's a question of my harming or being harmed, it's relatively simple: do I harm the person to defend myself or accept the harm they might cause as the cost of a smug sense of spiritual superiority? Then it's really not a spiritual decision at all but an economic one.

But what about harming somebody else? What if there was somebody entrusted to my care and they were in harm's way? Would I be justified (in terms of 'conscious') neutralising a threat that entered the home if I were babysitting, for example? Could I say "I'm sorry the little ones got hurt, but it was either that or jeopardise my shining superiority complex". Am I that important that other people can suffer because of me so that I don't cause suffering directly?

So I think maybe when the risk is personal there is less justification than when the risk is to others; I can treat myself as a means to my own smug spiritual superiority but not others. I can't allow harm or risk to others because I'm too reluctant to get my hands dirty. Then I wonder if the reasoning is just a justification "I couldn't deal with something awful happening to the people I care about, so I have arranged a justificational framework to allow my intercession".

I have no idea what I think. My greatest challenge and one I try to avoid is working out what my own opinion is XD

SKAWF
10th May 2012, 00:36
my greatest challenge is..... 'getting there'

WhiteFeather
10th May 2012, 00:38
Living in 3d and hanging around with the sleeping ones.

WhiteFeather
10th May 2012, 00:42
My only child, Michael, committed suicide when he was 23 years old. My greatest challenge was to show him that you don't quit. The journey was to feel the fear, anger, sadness, rage and all the ugliness, and come out the other side, to a state of peace. I stand here and say that I would not change one moment in my life. It has brought me to this NOW moment. I've had the opportunity to see life from the larger perspective.

So my extended challenge is to assist any way I can to bring as many that are willing to walk into our expanded lives. I accomplish that by giving myself permission to feel the fear, as I keep walking. Though, fear no longer feels the same as it once did.

UPDATE: Thank you, Carolin, for this thread. Thank all that demonstrate courage to share (or privately eliminate) what may have once held their spirits hostage.

Sending you all my love sis. Michaels energy surrounds you. Im sure you know this.

RunningDeer
10th May 2012, 00:59
My only child, Michael, committed suicide when he was 23 years old. My greatest challenge was to show him that you don't quit. The journey was to feel the fear, anger, sadness, rage and all the ugliness, and come out the other side, to a state of peace. I stand here and say that I would not change one moment in my life. It has brought me to this NOW moment. I've had the opportunity to see life from the larger perspective.

So my extended challenge is to assist any way I can to bring as many that are willing to walk into our expanded lives. I accomplish that by giving myself permission to feel the fear, as I keep walking. Though, fear no longer feels the same as it once did.

UPDATE: Thank you, Carolin, for this thread. Thank all that demonstrate courage to share (or privately eliminate) what may have once held their spirits hostage.

Sending you all my love sis. Michaels energy surrounds you. Im sure you know this.

Thank you, WhiteFeather. Yes! Michael's part of "The Group". The night before I buried him, he came to remind me that he's still around, and left behind Feather #1. I've got a big collection now. I have no need to question if there's any such things as multidimensional layers. Life is Golden...

wynderer
10th May 2012, 02:06
i did not respond to this thread in the spirit in which it was intended -- sorry

WhiteCrowBlackDeer, my son died in a car accident in '87 when he was 17 -- he was in a coma for a week -- his body was completely shattered & his head all swollen -- i blamed myself because i had left his father 6 months before, & this hurt both the children deeply --

because his best friend was driving [no blame from me -- it could easily have been the other way around, & he did turn his life around after that] , there was an automatic insurance settlement , giving me $70, 000 -- a lot of money then -- i gave half of it away, & used the rest to try to drink myself to death [typical self-centered alcoholic -- my daughter lost her mother those years, & i lost her too then & for quite a while after]

AA helped me get sober, & to get it thru my head that i don't run the show down here, & it's not up to me when someone leaves their body

also -- he came to visit three of his friends -- one in western MD, one on the Eastern shore, & his girlfriend who lived in NY state -- he walked into their dream, sat down on their bed, & said that he knew they missed him, but that he was very happy, & to enjoy life! -- all his friends gathered round me after his death

he visited me twice -- these visits seem to happen in the first three weeks after we leave our bodies -- once i saw him standing in front of the window where i was watching the sunset -- he was radiantly glowing w/happiness, & , as when my Grandmother visited me after she left, i could see the dimension he was in, & said, 'O Jeffy, i wish i could be there too!' -- he said [telepathic this was] 'But Mom-- you can work to make there like here!'

the second visit -- he & i had been having an ongoing argument re whether or not one could deal w/the NWO by attuning to higher consciousness, w/me --in my newage delusional days at the time, taking the yes side

in his second visit -- i was sitting at a table doing i forget what -- suddenly i felt him grab me by the back of the neck & old my head immobile while i saw the whole NWO thing at one glance-- the 'superpowers ripping the life force out of so-called third world countries etc etc etc -- he said, 'Face it, Mom -- it's a reality'

what i have realized is that by turning to alcohol, i did not honor my own spiritual experiences , of knowing that he is alive & well -- this is an issue for a lot of us, i think -- trusting such experiences

wyn

mosquito
10th May 2012, 02:07
Thank you Carolin, thank you WCBD (I really feel for you there) and everyone else. Compared to some people here, my struggles are trivial, but causing me grief nonetheless.

Coping with the mundane, day to day things. I'm fine when I'm in fantasy mode, but getting the nuts and bolts right is a constant struggle. As for planning, forget it !

Money. A real biggy for me. On the one hand, I reject capitalism and the stupidity and heartlessness of the economic system, yet on the other hand - that's still the way things are !!! I'm 53, starting to stare retirement in the face, and have absolutely NO financial security whatsoever !! Which in many ways still feels incredibly liberating !

Focus. Mental and visual.

Letting go of past mistakes and past hurts, how exactly does one NOT take things personally ?

Relationships - sigh, we'll avoid the 10,000 word essay on this topic, suffice it to say I'm embarking on yet another relationship, and want to get this one right, furiously working on myself to let go of past resentments and pain, struggling with recurring patterns and even now, at 53 still debating the marriage versus promiscuity dilemma.

I'm essentially putting my life back together (having come completely unstuck about 9 years ago) and am busy mixing all the ingredients, intending to make an enormous chocolate cake and to damn well enjoy eating it.

Love to all, Philip

RunningDeer
10th May 2012, 02:35
Thank you, wynderer for sharing with such openness and honesty. I want to say something profound, but nothing is coming out. My guess it that you are fine with it. I did want to reach out and say hello. :wave:

And Thank You - EVERYONE - that has shared from their hearts and hurts! I don't come across that in my world. It's another sign that all is moving in the right direction. And for the readers that have popped in. :thumb:


WhiteCrowBlackDeer, my son died in a car accident in '87 when he was 17 -- he was in a coma for a week -- his body was completely shattered & his head all swollen -- i blamed myself because i had left his father 6 months before, & this hurt both the children deeply --

PS I don't think I could have endured that torturous unknown that you lived through in the hospital for that week. And the added responsibility of another child. That was one of the things that I had listed as "it could be worst if".
:gaah:

matissathepissa
10th May 2012, 03:17
my biggest challenge has been to cut ties with my ex who is also my sons father. He is severly mentally ill, a drug addict and scary to be around sometimes. His mother just passed away last week and now he has gone completly insane. He was very sick to begin with but without her around its even more difficult. I have tried to be there for him as much as i can but he continues to be completly erratic, dilusional, suicidal and unpredictable. He has been hospitilized multiple times in the past year for suicide attempts and he has been sectioned. His mom and i talked alot and always came up with things together that we could do to try and help him. Without her i am left with a difficult decision. He has noone but me and our son. I have been supportive of him and nice but it is time for me to let him go. I cant stand to be near him because he is so crazy that he drains the life out of me, I feel very bad for him, but i cant let my feeling bad for him make my life miserable. Sometimes he's nice but within seconds hes a maniac. He really needs help. He should be in a hospital and i have to let go for my own sanity. I am a very happy person with a good life and i appreciate my life friends and family everyday and i thank god for this life. He hates life and doesnt seem to want to make it better for himself. When he calls again and wants to see our son i am going to have to tell him no he cant see either of us until he gets longterm help. Telling him will be scary and I will feel guilty, but i cant have his negativity in our lives any longer. I did speak with our son about his feelings tonight and he is not comfortable around him and he said he doesnt like his dad very much. He has seen his father flip out on many occasions and enough is enough. We may be good for him to be around, but he is no good to be around us. So, that's my biggest challenge.

RunningDeer
10th May 2012, 03:56
Hi mantissathepissa,

Sounds like you have a clear understanding of what is important for you and your son. Your choices make for the corner stones of your evolution.

My mantra is: We are empowered humans. That's not to say that fear doesn't come into play. In spite of it, we accept the challenge. Move through the fear to discover how empowered we are already.

Listen to yourself, the inner voice. Do not be persuaded by anyone's "should and shouldn't". That's part of the empowerment. Synchronicity will be your wings, once your direction is clear. Godspeed on your journey of discovery.

With heart,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer :hug:


my biggest challenge has been to cut ties with my ex who is also my sons father. We may be good for him to be around, but he is no good to be around us. So, that's my biggest challenge.

mosquito
10th May 2012, 06:08
WhiteCrowBlackDeer, my son died in a car accident in '87 when he was 17 -- he was in a coma for a week -- his body was completely shattered & his head all swollen -- i blamed myself because i had left his father 6 months before, & this hurt both the children deeply --



As you posted at more or less the same time as me, I've only just seen this. My heart goes out to you, and thanks for sharing.

Re: good old alcohol and addicton, you might want to look into the work of Stanislav and Christina Grof. Stan is the founder of transpersonal psychology and he and Christina have done an enormous amount of work on addiction as a symptom of spiritual emergency/spiritual emergence.

Philip

Wind
10th May 2012, 06:29
Accepting myself. I have always put others before myself because I've always known and felt deep inside me that I am here to serve. I just have started to accept and respect myself as who I am though I'm still struggling with this life and myself from time to time.

Hermite
10th May 2012, 09:25
Interesting timing, as I'm undergoing what seems to be the biggest challenge of my life. It's similar, in many ways, to much of what I've just read here. :sad: To those of you with physical challenges or lost children, my heart goes out to you because I think those are the two hardest things life sometimes doles out. I am blessed with excellent health and happy, successful children so my problems right now seem rather pale. Of course this isn't a competition, but rather a chance to unload a bit. Thank you Carolin.

Several years ago I fell in love with a man who I now realize is a psychopath. He has a complete lack of empathy and no moral compass. But I'm not to be judgmental? Sometimes my brain feels like a ping pong ball. Anyway, I turned everything I own over to him because I totally trusted him. Now I'm on the verge of losing my home and everything I own. I will be going to court in the next few months to find out for sure so right now I'm trying to stay sane and make some alternative plans for myself. But there are huge obstacles to be overcome. One of the worst ones is my thinking and how it's interfering with my sleeping. The brain, you know, just keeps throwing all kinds of junk at me.

Oh, I meditate; I call on AAM to protect me; I constantly remind myself that The Universe is not punishing me or blessing me. The Universe is responding to the vibrational attitude that I am emitting. I spend much time reading good stuff here at PA and some other forums to keep my attitude joyful. I try to help others as much as possible but don't get many opportunities to do that. But the fear will not leave me. This is a very powerful man and I see him every day. Sometimes I just want to take a long walk into the river. But I could never do that to my children.

markpierre
10th May 2012, 09:48
Living in two worlds simultaneously. They're both weird.

tenacity1
10th May 2012, 13:22
my health and dealing with my sons clinical/genetic depression.. now maybe some will realize why I "always look on the bright side of life" goes off Whistling Monty Python tunes

RunningDeer
10th May 2012, 13:46
WhiteCrowBlackDeer, my son died in a car accident in '87 when he was 17 -- he was in a coma for a week -- his body was completely shattered & his head all swollen -- i blamed myself because i had left his father 6 months before, & this hurt both the children deeply --



As you posted at more or less the same time as me, I've only just seen this. My heart goes out to you, and thanks for sharing.

Re: good old alcohol and addicton, you might want to look into the work of Stanislav and Christina Grof. Stan is the founder of transpersonal psychology and he and Christina have done an enormous amount of work on addiction as a symptom of spiritual emergency/spiritual emergence.

Philip
Hi Phillip,
Just for clarification purposes, this post is for wynderer. I think it was just a typo. I agree that to endure what wynderer has, i.e., the unknown of my son teetering between life and death, the coma and disfigurement would have put me over the edge.

Peace,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer

wynderer
10th May 2012, 14:17
WhiteCrowBlackDeer -- you truly have a loving caring heart

i learned a lot about the connection between the soul & the body when my son was in a coma that week

after the accident , he was flown by helicopter to the then-best in the USA shock trauma unit at a hospital in Baltimore -- i called a friend to drive me & found another friend to care for my daughter & get her to school

the hospital staff let me go in & sit w/him in a room where there were many silent broken bodies -- i learned later that i had been in there for an hour before my friend needed to get back to her children, & that the hospital often did not allow even family members into the room

all the love that i had never been able to express to him poured out of me -- one of the nurses was a daughter of a friend, & she told her mother that the love around my son & me was immense -- the man i was dating at the time told me that the love pouring thru me was 'uncanny'

i took two of his freinds at different times w/me during visiting hours -- one of the young men stopped at the door, horrified at the sight of his friend, & we didn't stay long

his other friend went in & stood by the bed w/so much love pouring thru him that i respectfully withdrew to the door -- suddenly my son, who had been immobile all this time, starting 'spazzing out' as his friend said -- beepings etc & a nurse rushed in & shooed us out

his dear friend told me, 'He was laughing, man! We were talking about the good times we've had'

the day before i had taken a boombox into the hospital to play a new song for him from Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush -- i knew he liked them both -- behind Kate Bush's 'Don't give up,' i was putting all the prayers & love from so many

the morning after 'he was laughin, man', my clock radio woke me up to Peter Gabriel singing, 'Got to walk out of here -- i can't take anymore' & i knew he was gone

the hospital called -- i called my ex & we went together -- as soon as we walked into the room we both burst into tears, because we could see he was gone

i think his friend getting him to laugh helped him to get free from a body that was no longer of any use

i didn't see his broken body when i was with him -- i saw the beautiful soul he was

i cried while writing this -- he still comes to visit me & his sis at times -- but i miss him here, now -- our children were a part of our bodies at one time

Love, wyn



uiCRZLr9oRw






WhiteCrowBlackDeer, my son died in a car accident in '87 when he was 17 -- he was in a coma for a week -- his body was completely shattered & his head all swollen -- i blamed myself because i had left his father 6 months before, & this hurt both the children deeply --



As you posted at more or less the same time as me, I've only just seen this. My heart goes out to you, and thanks for sharing.

Re: good old alcohol and addicton, you might want to look into the work of Stanislav and Christina Grof. Stan is the founder of transpersonal psychology and he and Christina have done an enormous amount of work on addiction as a symptom of spiritual emergency/spiritual emergence.

Philip
Hi Phillip,
Just for clarification purposes, this post is for wynderer. I think it was just a typo. I agree that to endure what wynderer has, i.e., the unknown of my son teetering between life and death, the coma and disfigurement would have put me over the edge.

Peace,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer

RunningDeer
10th May 2012, 15:44
Moments like these are the one that gives new meaning to the word ďpricelessĒ.

"...all the love that i had never been able to express to him poured out of me -- one of the nurses was a daughter of a friend, & she told her mother that the love around my son & me was immense -- the man i was dating at the time told me that the love pouring thru me was 'uncanny'...


"I cried while writing this -- he still comes to visit me & his sis at times -- but I miss him here, now -- our children were a part of our bodies at one time... "


"I didn't see his broken body when i was with him -- i saw the beautiful soul he was."


This brought me to tears, the whole account, but this part in particular.
Itís beautiful.
Thank you, wynderer.

With Heart and Love,
Paula

Carolin
10th May 2012, 16:30
I am truly humbled by those of you who have opened your hearts and bared your souls!! And I am so happy to see the love, kindness and respect that is being displayed in this thread......I wasn't sure we could pull it off.

I have struggled to overcome the burdens that we "new age/spiritual" people put on ourselves and each other. We are no longer allowed to be human, and we've bought into the notion that we are responsible for our reality, well I call :bs: Does an innocent child's thoughts create it's drug addict parents who neglect and abuse it. Does a young woman's thoughts suddenly make her a victom of rape or murder. I could go on and on but my point is if there are exceptions then it can't be a universal law. Bottom line is sometimes bad things happen to good people and nobody can tell you why because we only see a narrow perception of the whole. Making ourselves feel guilty or responsible only makes the situation harder to deal with.

A huge lesson for me was when I realized not everyone feels bad when they do something wrong. Some people don't care if they hurt you, in fact they revel in it. And no matter how much prayer, love and light you throw at them they aren't going to change. Sure love them and be compassionate.........from afar and don't beat yourself up because you don't feel warm and fuzzy towards them!

The best thing we can do for humanity is to be kind to ourselves. After all we are only human.

Much love to all of you :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:

centreoflight
10th May 2012, 16:48
Thank you Carolin and all others who replied here; this is what I needed today.
Yesterday my wife Shoshana told me: ďyou are a new soul, you are so naÔf.Ē This statement made me reflect and I understand that my wife is right. I strongly feel since I remember that I am in the wrong place and now after being on this planet for 57 years, I start to realize why this western society is so completely foreign for me. I spent 9 years in India and there I felt much more at home than in the country I was born and where I am living now, which is Switzerland. In India I learned about reincarnation and my conclusion today is that I have lived all my previous lives in tribal societies with very different views about life. The primary goal in life for me is to find out the reason, why I am here and after resolving that question to be totally dedicated to that. There is a different reason for each human, so there isnít any sense for humans to be in competition with each other. This is an enormous challenge for me as do not understand why humans in this society are many times very aggressive and competitive.
I could write more, but I leave it to that, because I feel that short messages have a better chance to be read and I am very interested in the reply of my fellow avalonians.

Peace of Mind
10th May 2012, 17:03
The biggest challenge I face is convincing people they are the solutions they seek, and, the only other entities that are going to assist them are their brothers and sisters. This is an unexpected and unbelievably draining task to take on, but I was never known to be a quitter.

Peace

centreoflight
10th May 2012, 17:31
Interesting timing, as I'm undergoing what seems to be the biggest challenge of my life. It's similar, in many ways, to much of what I've just read here. :sad: To those of you with physical challenges or lost children, my heart goes out to you because I think those are the two hardest things life sometimes doles out. I am blessed with excellent health and happy, successful children so my problems right now seem rather pale. Of course this isn't a competition, but rather a chance to unload a bit. Thank you Carolin.

Several years ago I fell in love with a man who I now realize is a psychopath. He has a complete lack of empathy and no moral compass. But I'm not to be judgmental? Sometimes my brain feels like a ping pong ball. Anyway, I turned everything I own over to him because I totally trusted him. Now I'm on the verge of losing my home and everything I own. I will be going to court in the next few months to find out for sure so right now I'm trying to stay sane and make some alternative plans for myself. But there are huge obstacles to be overcome. One of the worst ones is my thinking and how it's interfering with my sleeping. The brain, you know, just keeps throwing all kinds of junk at me.

Oh, I meditate; I call on AAM to protect me; I constantly remind myself that The Universe is not punishing me or blessing me. The Universe is responding to the vibrational attitude that I am emitting. I spend much time reading good stuff here at PA and some other forums to keep my attitude joyful. I try to help others as much as possible but don't get many opportunities to do that. But the fear will not leave me. This is a very powerful man and I see him every day. Sometimes I just want to take a long walk into the river. But I could never do that to my children.

Beloved Hermite,
I just replied to this tread, by telling how I feel foreign to this society. I also trusted a man and handed over lots of money to him for a project in India. When I found out that he absolutely did not walk his talk I decided to fight. The legal battle lasted for 7 years and it was an enormous challenge, because I was in a foreign land and my 'enemy' was a powerful man (who claimed to be a spiritual master).
Many times I felt to loose my sanity, but somehow I always received help and the story ended with a happy end; I got my money back, in August 2010. I realized that there are good people everywhere and that a psychopath at the end is defeating himself in his net of lies. Tell always the truth and you will win.
I send you much love and courage for your battle.

RunningDeer
10th May 2012, 18:12
Dear Carolin,


IA huge lesson for me was when I realized not everyone feels bad when they do something wrong. Some people don't care if they hurt you, in fact they revel in it. And no matter how much prayer, love and light you throw at them they aren't going to change. Sure love them and be compassionate... from afar and don't beat yourself up because you don't feel warm and fuzzy towards them!

I wish I read the above many, many years ago. Even today, I am still learning what you simply know.


One of the hardest things to deal with is people's insensitivity.......they just don't get it. My husband's resistance to adoption. My brothers' joking that I should be doing the dishes last Mother's Day because I wasn't a Mom. My stepdaughter not filling out the reference for CAS adoption process. Girlfriends going on and on and on about their kids. Customers making comments like "Oh, I guess it wasn't meant to be". I know I'm hypersensitive but seriously wtf is wrong with people!!

A suspect that your passion for humanity is so great, that those around you fear the levels of integrity you emit. They poke and joke because of their own knowing (on an energetic level) that they fall short of their own co-creative potential. Not because they are unable. Choices. Steps. Movement and sometime no movement. Just silence. Well, my guess? Theyíre still lightly napping.



Much love to all of you.
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:

Carolin, I want to thank you once again for this rare opportunity to clear out those last bits of bird seed. And please, you have my permission to send me a bill!

Much Love right back!:hug:
WhiteCrowBlackDeer

the_vast_mystery
10th May 2012, 18:38
Hi the_vast_mystery,

It appears that you've had the opportunity to clean up a lot of karma. Congratulations! Only a Strong Spirit Warrior can walk that path. And it appears that a second congratulations is in order. No need "to look forward": Now - You choose to be the Artist of your life - Create the Reality.

Welcome home! :hug:


You never know what life may bring into your way the next day, so I can't say how my story will end but if current trends continue by all measurable means it won't end well. Fortunately living in California gives me a few legal alternatives not available in every other state to give my day to day a little more of a balance (by giving me something to look forward to, however infinitesimal, when I return home. Guaranteed mood elevation.)

Thank you, seriously the support I've received here from yourself and a number of other people who've sent messages has really made an impact on me. <3 It's not going to change everything in a day but it does brighten one's outlook considerably to see people take the time out of their day to cheer up some random figure on the Internet who for all they know could be just as fake as the next person. Seeing that kind of faith and trust makes me feel like there really are some good people out there seriously worth getting to know. :)

Configuration how? Create with what tools? Art may be art but if a person wishes to make a sculpture then they will not fair very well if handed a paint-brush. ^_^;; This is I guess what I don't understand, how do I create reality if I have no power over the material world? I understand how perspective creates a subjective slant that enables you to view the more neutral and objective layer of reality through either a comforting or frightening layer of bias (living in love, or living in fear) but that's not really what I've been after since that can offer me no guarantees that any external event or circumstances will happen. I had been looking for some sort of direct ability to shape the events or materials around me to create the much more specific circumstances that I'm currently unable to let go of needing to achieve the desired equilibrium of inner and outer experience to gain the specific sort of validation I was after. It's definitely been a long process trying to negotiate some sort of deal between Ego and Higher Mind/Self, and I'm not sure yet if agreement is reachable since each is asking the other to go against its primary operating procedure (at least from what I know, communication is spotty when you cannot identify the source of your own internal monologues other than to say they're all equally you!), but I do intend to keep trying as long as I can, eheh.

RunningDeer
10th May 2012, 19:03
ĒI could write more, but I leave it to that, because I feel that short messages have a better chance to be read and I am very interested in the reply of my fellow Avalonians.Ē

Hello centeroflight,

My travels are meant to be different than yours. Itís been my experience that I am right where I need to be in every Now moment. Though, I donít always know that when I not seeing from the larger perspective.

Too, what I didnít know is that everyone creates their own road map. Donít wait for someone else. Invest in a GPS. (or maybe not, sun is burping a lot these days) Every turn I took was the perfect place to pitch a tent. I gathered experience that no where else Iíd be able to grow in Light. I see that now and can laugh at myself. My Secret? Let go. Donít wait. Create.


The primary goal in life for me is to find out the reason, why I am here and after resolving that question to be totally dedicated to that. There is a different reason for each human, so there isnít any sense for humans to be in competition with each other. This is an enormous challenge for me as do not understand why humans in this society are many times very aggressive and competitive.

As for the competition thing? If you had an answer would it change things for you? It sounds like you already know that we are all here with unique pieces of the puzzle. Itís just that some havenít figured it out. So You, the Light Being, keeps shinning the Light. Cutting your own trails. Allowing others to create their own, too. Those trails open to a whole new place where co-operation is the operative word.

Thatís how I see in the moment, anyway...setting my GPS for due North, or is Mother Earth still adjusting? Godspeed to us, All...

With heart,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer :plane:

Carolin
10th May 2012, 19:49
Dear Carolin,


IA huge lesson for me was when I realized not everyone feels bad when they do something wrong. Some people don't care if they hurt you, in fact they revel in it. And no matter how much prayer, love and light you throw at them they aren't going to change. Sure love them and be compassionate... from afar and don't beat yourself up because you don't feel warm and fuzzy towards them!



I wish I read the above many, many years ago. Even today, I am still learning what you simply know.

Oh WCBD you give me way too much credit!! I too go to the school of hard knocks.......it took me over 20 years for that lesson to sink in! In my case it was my husband's ex-wife who was the teacher. No matter how many times I prayed, meditated, or forgave, the lesson kept repeating itself, each time a little stronger. About a year and a half ago I finally "got it" and I was DONE. It's crappy because I thought we could be the exception and get along for the kids (who are 25 & 28 this year) but too much has happened to even be cordial.

I guess we can't blame the nappers since they aren't standing in my shoes. Even my Mom is clueless as to how it feels, she figures it should be getting easier for me since it's been going on for so long.

Thanks for that little bit of therapy, I'd say we are even now.
Love
C

jason4444
10th May 2012, 20:33
I am struggling with addiction. I fear when I get off probation I am going to use again. I have learned through the meetings I now attend that I am like a man who has lost his legs. I can never get them back just as I can never successfully use again, as that will unleash my addiction all over. I want to use everyday when I see people act the way they do towards each other and the environment, as it just sickens me to see such hate, carelessness, and ignorance. I have found peace and tranquility through meditation, however, and as much as I dislike the actions of the majority of people today, I try my best to be as kind as possible to them.

RunningDeer
10th May 2012, 23:56
I am struggling with addiction.

Hi jason4444,

It took a lot of guts to make your post. Iím in your corner. I was going wish you luck on the journey. But itís not - luck - thatís required, huh?

Peace and Heart,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer :wave:

Going, going, gone..............................:car:

Hermite
11th May 2012, 09:51
Yes, Jason, that was a very courageous thing to do. Sending healing thoughts your way. You can do it, man. I believe in you. Just keep your support group close at hand until you get through this very difficult time.

:nod:

Seikou-Kishi
11th May 2012, 10:45
Hi the_vast_mystery,

It appears that you've had the opportunity to clean up a lot of karma. Congratulations! Only a Strong Spirit Warrior can walk that path. And it appears that a second congratulations is in order. No need "to look forward": Now - You choose to be the Artist of your life - Create the Reality.

Welcome home! :hug:


You never know what life may bring into your way the next day, so I can't say how my story will end but if current trends continue by all measurable means it won't end well. Fortunately living in California gives me a few legal alternatives not available in every other state to give my day to day a little more of a balance (by giving me something to look forward to, however infinitesimal, when I return home. Guaranteed mood elevation.)

Thank you, seriously the support I've received here from yourself and a number of other people who've sent messages has really made an impact on me. <3 It's not going to change everything in a day but it does brighten one's outlook considerably to see people take the time out of their day to cheer up some random figure on the Internet who for all they know could be just as fake as the next person. Seeing that kind of faith and trust makes me feel like there really are some good people out there seriously worth getting to know. :)

Configuration how? Create with what tools? Art may be art but if a person wishes to make a sculpture then they will not fair very well if handed a paint-brush. ^_^;; This is I guess what I don't understand, how do I create reality if I have no power over the material world? I understand how perspective creates a subjective slant that enables you to view the more neutral and objective layer of reality through either a comforting or frightening layer of bias (living in love, or living in fear) but that's not really what I've been after since that can offer me no guarantees that any external event or circumstances will happen. I had been looking for some sort of direct ability to shape the events or materials around me to create the much more specific circumstances that I'm currently unable to let go of needing to achieve the desired equilibrium of inner and outer experience to gain the specific sort of validation I was after. It's definitely been a long process trying to negotiate some sort of deal between Ego and Higher Mind/Self, and I'm not sure yet if agreement is reachable since each is asking the other to go against its primary operating procedure (at least from what I know, communication is spotty when you cannot identify the source of your own internal monologues other than to say they're all equally you!), but I do intend to keep trying as long as I can, eheh.

They help because it's who they are. Of course, that you are a nice guy helps to help :D I'm not sure about the whole possibly being as fake as the next guy thing. This world is a world of perception, right? If you seem nice, maybe that's the important bit lol. I read an article on Chabad.org about sin and such things as separation from God. The argument was against an assumption that sin dirties the soul and makes it unworthy to appeal to God for forgiveness or to ask God for blessings, saying that our souls are forever pure and always facing God, and that it is only our lesser parts like the "I" who looks our from behind our eyes that is impure. It is not even really our 'fault', because it's part of the situation. I've not always been in a place where I could appreciate such an idea, but I relay it with the hope that you realise even in your darkest times the immortal part of you great.

There's no virtue in doing good if there isn't a chance of doing bad. That's the whole sort of idea with the world we're in at the moment: a world with negativity gives us the chance to choose positivity. It gives us a choice and thereby gives meaning to choosing. In this world it is so very easy to be vicious (in the sense of being contrary to virtue) and if the chances are stacked against you that you will in some way yield to wickedness, how meaningful is it when you do not? How meaningful does it become when you say "Even if I fail 99 times out 100, this is what I want to aim for". I don't think pure success is possible in this world, so I won't beat myself up if I don't achieve it.

Of course, negative/destructive/harmful things are not just something we can choose to do, but something that can happen to us. In the West with our convoluted religious and spiritual history, we often say that "God is testing us". My definition of God is very fluid. It is a term I use to stretch from being a convenient term for the "infinite nothingness" (in the sense that it is "pre-existent"), also the "holographic foil" and so on, but also nexuses of spirit of different degrees, right down to our true self. The Crowleyians call our true self the Holy Guardian Angel. Others call it the superconscious. Others called them fates. This 'god' is us, a shard of the pre-existent "all-God" which includes, especially, all the bits of us we can't see.

That part of us knows everything about us. We are the protagonists in narratives written by our Holy Guardian Angels. They know us better than we know ourselves. They are in constant communion with our subconscious and know motives we might never realise we have. What testing could such a being need? God in whatever definition you use doesn't test you.

During the darkest times in my life, I have always been comforted in knowing that God doesn't test me; God already knows. God demonstrates. He says "look what you can endure and remain true to yourself". I don't find myself "tested" all that much any more. There are small things of course, little reminders. Realising this was like a light to me "Oh! So that's why!" The tests evaporated for me at that point. I still maintain I'm an atheist though lol.

I really hope this post doesn't offend you. I have a tendency to ramble and I hope I don't sound like some wind-bag, I just hope you find some measure of comfort in these ideas. Essentially when you do something bad and beat yourself up... well your true self is all good anyway. When something bad happens to you, it might be a show of your strength: if you can maintain a calm space inside yourself you'll have that one solid spot from which to move the Earth as the saying goes.

One final thought I try to bear in mind is a phrase which at the same time is a source of "unobsequious humility" and unassuming self-confidence and it is this: I'm no better than the very worst person, and no worse than the very best.

wynderer
11th May 2012, 11:31
Hi Jason4444 -- i'm a recovering garbage-head alcoholic -- nearly died from the DTs when in Alaska -- it was very difficult for me to get sober, but i never gave up trying -- one day at a time & keep going to meetings & being honest w/yourself & others-- sounds dumb, but it does work

here's something else i've been suggesting to a friend who 'went back out' -- if, more likely when, TSHF, do you really want to be drunk or trashed out on some mind-addling drug then? we'll need all our wits about us -- also we need people like you who give a darn about what is happening

one man at one of my meetings always says the same thing -- he does not want to die while drunk --another consideration in these crazy times

wishing you success in staying clean & sober -- a prayer coming your way --
wyn


I am struggling with addiction. I fear when I get off probation I am going to use again. I have learned through the meetings I now attend that I am like a man who has lost his legs. I can never get them back just as I can never successfully use again, as that will unleash my addiction all over. I want to use everyday when I see people act the way they do towards each other and the environment, as it just sickens me to see such hate, carelessness, and ignorance. I have found peace and tranquility through meditation, however, and as much as I dislike the actions of the majority of people today, I try my best to be as kind as possible to them.

Seikou-Kishi
11th May 2012, 11:50
Hi Jason4444 -- i'm a recovering garbage-head alcoholic -- nearly died from the DTs when in Alaska -- it was very difficult for me to get sober, but i never gave up trying -- one day at a time & keep going to meetings & being honest w/yourself & others-- sounds dumb, but it does work

here's something else i've been suggesting to a friend who 'went back out' -- if, more likely when, TSHF, do you really want to be drunk or trashed out on some mind-addling drug then? we'll need all our wits about us -- also we need people like you who give a darn about what is happening

one man at one of my meetings always says the same thing -- he does not want to die while drunk --another consideration in these crazy times

wishing you success in staying clean & sober -- a prayer coming your way --
wyn


I am struggling with addiction. I fear when I get off probation I am going to use again. I have learned through the meetings I now attend that I am like a man who has lost his legs. I can never get them back just as I can never successfully use again, as that will unleash my addiction all over. I want to use everyday when I see people act the way they do towards each other and the environment, as it just sickens me to see such hate, carelessness, and ignorance. I have found peace and tranquility through meditation, however, and as much as I dislike the actions of the majority of people today, I try my best to be as kind as possible to them.

I always think addiction, especially to things like alcohol, is an attempt to mirror dissolution. It is like an emulation of oblivion, if that makes any sense? It doesn't come though. When you wake up from a drunken sleep everything's just where you left it. All as grotty an unappealing as before.

wynderer
11th May 2012, 14:35
i agree that the Creator/Source/the Divine/God etc does not test us -- Love does not put obstacles in our way

Humans are meant to be co-creators w/the Creator -- to enjoy this huge eternal & infinite Universe -- to dance in the Great Dance of Life --

we are trapped in a Matrix down here that interferes w/that




Hi the_vast_mystery,

It appears that you've had the opportunity to clean up a lot of karma. Congratulations! Only a Strong Spirit Warrior can walk that path. And it appears that a second congratulations is in order. No need "to look forward": Now - You choose to be the Artist of your life - Create the Reality.

Welcome home! :hug:


You never know what life may bring into your way the next day, so I can't say how my story will end but if current trends continue by all measurable means it won't end well. Fortunately living in California gives me a few legal alternatives not available in every other state to give my day to day a little more of a balance (by giving me something to look forward to, however infinitesimal, when I return home. Guaranteed mood elevation.)

Thank you, seriously the support I've received here from yourself and a number of other people who've sent messages has really made an impact on me. <3 It's not going to change everything in a day but it does brighten one's outlook considerably to see people take the time out of their day to cheer up some random figure on the Internet who for all they know could be just as fake as the next person. Seeing that kind of faith and trust makes me feel like there really are some good people out there seriously worth getting to know. :)

Configuration how? Create with what tools? Art may be art but if a person wishes to make a sculpture then they will not fair very well if handed a paint-brush. ^_^;; This is I guess what I don't understand, how do I create reality if I have no power over the material world? I understand how perspective creates a subjective slant that enables you to view the more neutral and objective layer of reality through either a comforting or frightening layer of bias (living in love, or living in fear) but that's not really what I've been after since that can offer me no guarantees that any external event or circumstances will happen. I had been looking for some sort of direct ability to shape the events or materials around me to create the much more specific circumstances that I'm currently unable to let go of needing to achieve the desired equilibrium of inner and outer experience to gain the specific sort of validation I was after. It's definitely been a long process trying to negotiate some sort of deal between Ego and Higher Mind/Self, and I'm not sure yet if agreement is reachable since each is asking the other to go against its primary operating procedure (at least from what I know, communication is spotty when you cannot identify the source of your own internal monologues other than to say they're all equally you!), but I do intend to keep trying as long as I can, eheh.

They help because it's who they are. Of course, that you are a nice guy helps to help :D I'm not sure about the whole possibly being as fake as the next guy thing. This world is a world of perception, right? If you seem nice, maybe that's the important bit lol. I read an article on Chabad.org about sin and such things as separation from God. The argument was against an assumption that sin dirties the soul and makes it unworthy to appeal to God for forgiveness or to ask God for blessings, saying that our souls are forever pure and always facing God, and that it is only our lesser parts like the "I" who looks our from behind our eyes that is impure. It is not even really our 'fault', because it's part of the situation. I've not always been in a place where I could appreciate such an idea, but I relay it with the hope that you realise even in your darkest times the immortal part of you great.

There's no virtue in doing good if there isn't a chance of doing bad. That's the whole sort of idea with the world we're in at the moment: a world with negativity gives us the chance to choose positivity. It gives us a choice and thereby gives meaning to choosing. In this world it is so very easy to be vicious (in the sense of being contrary to virtue) and if the chances are stacked against you that you will in some way yield to wickedness, how meaningful is it when you do not? How meaningful does it become when you say "Even if I fail 99 times out 100, this is what I want to aim for". I don't think pure success is possible in this world, so I won't beat myself up if I don't achieve it.

Of course, negative/destructive/harmful things are not just something we can choose to do, but something that can happen to us. In the West with our convoluted religious and spiritual history, we often say that "God is testing us". My definition of God is very fluid. It is a term I use to stretch from being a convenient term for the "infinite nothingness" (in the sense that it is "pre-existent"), also the "holographic foil" and so on, but also nexuses of spirit of different degrees, right down to our true self. The Crowleyians call our true self the Holy Guardian Angel. Others call it the superconscious. Others called them fates. This 'god' is us, a shard of the pre-existent "all-God" which includes, especially, all the bits of us we can't see.

That part of us knows everything about us. We are the protagonists in narratives written by our Holy Guardian Angels. They know us better than we know ourselves. They are in constant communion with our subconscious and know motives we might never realise we have. What testing could such a being need? God in whatever definition you use doesn't test you.

During the darkest times in my life, I have always been comforted in knowing that God doesn't test me; God already knows. God demonstrates. He says "look what you can endure and remain true to yourself". I don't find myself "tested" all that much any more. There are small things of course, little reminders. Realising this was like a light to me "Oh! So that's why!" The tests evaporated for me at that point. I still maintain I'm an atheist though lol.

I really hope this post doesn't offend you. I have a tendency to ramble and I hope I don't sound like some wind-bag, I just hope you find some measure of comfort in these ideas. Essentially when you do something bad and beat yourself up... well your true self is all good anyway. When something bad happens to you, it might be a show of your strength: if you can maintain a calm space inside yourself you'll have that one solid spot from which to move the Earth as the saying goes.

One final thought I try to bear in mind is a phrase which at the same time is a source of "unobsequious humility" and unassuming self-confidence and it is this: I'm no better than the very worst person, and no worse than the very best.

ghostrider
11th May 2012, 20:14
you only know pain , when you experience it, you only know love when you give it , you only have life when you really live it. it takes all the ingredients , embrace the pain, joy, frustration, it will round your character and prepare you for a brighter future....if life is too easy your not doing something right. when it is hard , you are on to something big... God , higher self , call it whatever makes you comfortable , it , he , she, talked to me all day yesterday, the pain is necessary, the people who don't get it are necessary, your reaction, your perception, is what is being molded, like clay on a potters wheel.... it must be broken, and remade, and broken and re made... thats how impurities come out of the finished product.... embrace the breaking...

pilotsimone
11th May 2012, 20:57
Beautiful post, ghostrider!


the pain is necessary, the people who don't get it are necessary, your reaction, your perception, is what is being molded, like clay on a potters wheel.... it must be broken, and remade, and broken and re made... thats how impurities come out of the finished product.... embrace the breaking...

Recommended reading for those who've had their lives turned upside down by this awakening...

Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/)

"Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

And of course, this is terrifying.

But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacheróhow could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?"