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CrabbyPatty
20th October 2012, 07:53
There is no point living on Earth when you constantly dwell in the stars. Thus, the focus of my attention has been the here and now. After all, how am I to afford the entire population of the planet one positive meditation, when I struggle to alleviate the pain and harsh reality of my own life with a simple breath? The pressure to just 'be' has become so great.

It is time for some honesty. I grow tired of others. My nature as an empath opens their minds and feelings to my perceptions, and I am resentful that they do not understand me in the same fashion, and of those who possess some semblance of understanding, of the same ability or affliction—I resent them too, because I recognize their own inability to afford me a level of attention and care that can satisfy me.

I am turned inward. I am being pushed inward into the most umbral examination of myself that I have ever endured, and the pit is filled with a menacing gravity, black and bottomless. It is a chasm that lurks behind the curtains of every moment of positivity I seem to be able to experience or muster from my own force of will, as though it will, at any moment, steal across the horizon of my mind and corrupt me from within and throughout.

I do not dare speak of what another should do, what faith they should acquire or abandon, what mantra they should take on, what mantle of morality they should subscribe to. I don't speak anymore of angels, orbs, devils, shades, ufos, interdimensionals, cosmic consciousnae, akashic records, shamans, mushrooms, yogic prana, or breatharianism, veganism, reptilians, andromedans, sacred geometry, zero point energy, hyperdimensional tortion physics, Michaelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, or Nikola Tesla, the Occupy Wallstreeters, the people of the past who may once made a difference.

I fear our world is too complex for one person to legitimately enunciate the egotistic position of making a difference. Individuality is disappearing into the maelstrom. The 'ologies' are incomplete and incongruent with what I feel and see, and the 'isms' are corrupt and plagued with rot, futility, and the ultimate fallacy of the human mind and its flirtations with the humorous irony that systemic categorization of any kind constitutes ideologies that benefit us. Ideologies themselves are a commodity, and their newness harkens a mass of slavering minions who pile upon them like starving madmen stacked like dominoes in a bread line. In my mind I see pure chaos, a daunting tower of self-righteous madness whose summit we are propelled toward, a climb of cataclysmia, where there are no answers, only a cold grave wind, gray skies and the pricetag of total responsibility.

In my self I know the same darkness in those who ruin the world. I know that I ruin the world, with my participation, with my cultural calibration. The only thing missing from my tools is the “power” and the “push.” The push will bring you more power, and the power will push your further over the edge. I see people gassing themselves into the self-deluded hilarity that they are any different from the bankers, the ceo's, presidents and other publicly elected mass-ignoramuses. They coalesce into ever more self-compromising social marriages, agreeing their esoteric canons to be a better way of life, but they have murdered more under the sheltering wing of consumption, competition, and arrogance than the rich white men could ever dream of accomplishing with the strokes of their 24 karat gold pens.

I cannot think of the human race's struggle; I have not the room for it. I have not the breath and tears for it. I struggle to mine one glimmer of concern from that mount of apathy when I, in each second of consideration, cannot breathe and shed the kind of emotion that a soulful relief requires, because when I look in the mirror I see something I struggle so fiercely each day to just take some damn responsibility for. I do not dare to proclaim the ability to so nonchalantly create light and love, as it were a simple exhale, for when I awake each morning with the obliterating reality that I don't know who I am or why I am here, that what I think I know is just a static and temporary thing, a foolishness, that the answer may never be found in this life or the next—that is the task to be reconciled, that is the truth I am yet to understand. It is a truth I am growing into, a state in which I am learning to find a new acceptance of myself. I dare not belabor this transience, no matter the anguish that may be required to pass through it. I am not here to say it is hopeless; I am here to say nothing of your accord, only mine, and that I persist in 'being' because I do see something growing there, I do see something changing there, and that I'm doing my best, and that is my promise, my best.

I dream to learn all the intricacies of this darkness so that no part of it might escape responsibility and knowing. There is peace to be found, but it comes in a struggle all of its own, and I am learning in my own way, and that while I am completely open to sharing with you, I will never tell you what to do. My kindling will be piled high, and when engulfed by holy fire, my mind will be spellbound by a new creation, the phoenix that will rise and unleash a terrific cry out of this immolation. This mind is as a thunderous cerulean nimbus and it yearns to be curtailed by radiant beams of a sunset's soundless final light, and my heart yearns to warm in the hearing of a call, a familiar voice of myself that emanates from somewhere near the bottom to say very simply: what is, no longer is, and will no longer be, thus it is necessary now for new creation, new dreams, new horizons to cross in fanciful flight.

Do you dare to imagine a new world, do you dare be swept up like feathers caught in a hurricane of false inspiration, when you know so little of yourself, when you speak so vociferously of what others should know? To know who you are is to submerge in a pool of black, to inhale every murk and ire that emanates from your bones. I know that I must explore every terrible little thing inside and conquer it, before I can possibly hope to behoove myself to speak to another with the audacity that I have some idea of what might work, what might be good for them.

Fellow humans, sometimes you make it so difficult to care what happens to you, to hope for anything better for you. I go inside—deep, deep down inside, and I see the monster and understand why.

Learning to truly love and embrace that monster is something I'm still working on.

I just know that there is not point hoping to live in the stars, when you refuse to accept your dwelling on Earth.

modwiz
20th October 2012, 08:01
I just know that there is not point hoping to live in the stars, when you refuse to accept your dwelling on Earth.

Saved the best for last, eh?

Jules
20th October 2012, 08:07
The earth is my body, my head is in the stars. (Harold and Maude) :)

Limor Wolf
20th October 2012, 08:24
Beautiful piece. Your words touched me, their meaning are not lost on me.

There are phases in our earth evolution, if it can be called that way, and tomorrow and the next year we will intimately know more about the darkness in ourselves, the light in our selves, hopefully, there will come a time we will know ourselves. some day we will be able to look up to the stars, but, I agree with you CrabbyPatty, our current work is now here. inside.

watchZEITGEISTnow
20th October 2012, 09:43
You, me and everyone is here to help - that is why we choose to incarnate here at this time.

Problem is we all have the memory erased at birth. We should have read the fine print :P

But your post was fantastic, and you helped me to the action of writing you praise.



Have you traveled or do you think of going to other places, less familiar?

Thanks :)

Wind
20th October 2012, 09:44
When I look in the stars I get homesick.

Though Earth is a pretty nice place too. That's why I am here to serve now. :)

rgray222
20th October 2012, 14:15
I just know that there is not point hoping to live in the stars, when you refuse to accept your dwelling on Earth.
Yes, I understand what you are saying but at the end of the day we are all living in the stars!

Gekko
20th October 2012, 14:35
Thank you for articulating a host of things I have been experiencing for the past several months, but not known how to express. It really is a scary thing to realize the ultimate irrelevance of so many categorizations that I have appropriated for myself, even beyond the mainstream conceptions I thought I'd left behind. Very few seem to see the subjectivity necessarily embedded in any outward-directed formulation of truth. Furthermore it is difficult to explain its nature since I only see the tail end of it myself, and I can only describe it using my own subjective interpretations. Quite a conundrum. :confused:

RUSirius
20th October 2012, 14:37
I totally understand, you're feelings and thoughts are shared, I'm onboard with almost everything you feel. Take that deep breath and be patient you are not yet done realizing yourself.

Belle
20th October 2012, 15:15
The OP brought this to mind...


Happiness Is A Journey...
-- Father Alfred D'Souza

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life.
But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,
some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.
At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness.
Happiness is the way.
So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Dance as though no one is watching you.
Love as though you have never been hurt before.
Sing as though no one can hear you.
Live as though heaven is on earth.

truth4me
20th October 2012, 15:25
You, me and everyone is here to help - that is why we choose to incarnate here at this time.

Problem is we all have the memory erased at birth. We should have read the fine print :P

But your post was fantastic, and you helped me to the action of writing you praise.



Have you traveled or do you think of going to other places, less familiar?

Thanks :) That "memory erased at birth" is the killer for us humans. I will say that at times I fill apart of my past life memories coming back yet I can't place it together.........

deridan
20th October 2012, 16:14
there is a route you can travel, ...which confirms your own intuitions,
well that is part of the awakening,
i plunged but can't plunge any deeper cause life has to be lived,
{its boring to say, and if said over and over, would just be generic,...seek therefore, be like Picacho , advance over levels slowly and not to fast}

i tried to follow the narrative indepth, --ah well, why always run fast.
---the tail end stuff i might ahve pushed off as subjectivity,

holographically empath. was giving,
tried to inseminate my mind into a holographic consciousness, ...but then saw, what i-ching even would call the altered mind of lower men, ...in a different path of giving and receiving and thus perpetuates of a continually suffarant paradigm, ...they could not take aim conscious(-ness i.e. build hard now, be ready to be in a greater flow of givin&receiving),
and {as} such i engage to leave them behind, i amd ny nest must go

{as such nowi must, must now encourage myself towards that, and not be so terminally desipated by the conscious of this treachery#}
{{# at being here, have to deal with this worlds aberrant ways, and oh so beautiful CPatty, do u describe that initialization of empathconsciousness, the need for mutual respect. i can't be amongst men now for that.violwouldensue}

CrabbyPatty
22nd October 2012, 04:03
I just know that there is not point hoping to live in the stars, when you refuse to accept your dwelling on Earth.

Saved the best for last, eh?

Saved an interesting thing for last.

CrabbyPatty
22nd October 2012, 04:11
You, me and everyone is here to help - that is why we choose to incarnate here at this time.

Problem is we all have the memory erased at birth. We should have read the fine print :P

But your post was fantastic, and you helped me to the action of writing you praise.



Have you traveled or do you think of going to other places, less familiar?

Thanks :)

You're welcome. I do not get to travel much. One day I hope to. Right now, I am a university student who is a bit obsessed with finding a job. Just trying to make it through these next couple of months.

Tane Mahuta
22nd October 2012, 07:07
Hi Patty, big welcome to Avalon...

I see alot of frustration in you post...

enrich us with your experiences if you may...

I'm sure many answers can be found right here!!!

nuff said

TM

peterpam
22nd October 2012, 16:12
I read this post a couple of days ago and it has stayed with me. I do so clearly recognize what you are saying. The irony of this human experience does not escape me.. The evil and lack of compassion that we witness every day that occur on this planet are always a background anxiety that never leaves me. I detest the greed and shortsightedness of the human condition and sometimes wonder if it would not be an improvement to have takeover by the hidden elite...they are cruel and have no empathy, but at least they have a plan.... I complain about the banksters, the corruption of government, the power of corporations and the polution of the earth...I abhor the treatment of animals on this planet...The other side of the coin is this...I drive my car,have a bank account and all the electrical gadgets purchased from the corporations that I complain about...the hypocrisy doesn't evade me... I can filter out whatever I want but it doesn't change the fact that it is not ok here....I don't want to imply that I sit on my ass and do nothing to create a better world. I have volunteered for a animal shelter, I clean up a beach nearby..I recycle...but I know it comes nowhere near what I take from this planet.. I know that if someone is reading this you may think that this person is very negative and probably depressed...I do not think this is so.I call this reality..Yes there is great beauty in this world , I acknowledge this every day..I have gratitude for this every day. I do not lie in my bed at night without being thankful....

Over the years I have tried religion, or more correctly many religions and ultimately following the dictates of another have done little to nothing for me. I have tried to manipulate a sense of well being with the use of alcohol and drugs, with sometimes a momentary sense of well being as my reward.I have done carreer changes , geographical changes and always worshipped the intellect What I ended up with was a huge feeling of self doubt and loathing...Unable to "get" religion-unable and unwilling to function whole hardheartedly in this world....I was left with that wee inner voice I have ignored, drowned , drugged, and discredited... And out of the ashes which was my self there really was nothing else to do but listen...the inner voice, the intuition is calm and clear, different from the frantic voice of the ego..I began to listen and looked at the results and it was good... I began to stay in the moment and made a effort to be friendly with the moment. If it is unacceptable and I can do something about it I do it, otherwise I make an effort to mentally leave it alone...I have spent so much time mentally going over these miserable truths but it is just futility if I am not going to do something about it. I am drawing myself into a mental drama that will create a negative emotional state.... so in a nutshell, I rely on my inner voice , stay in the moment and attempt to be friends with it, and last but not least I don't buy into the "stories" I throw at myself to create mental uproar. How is that for years of "searching" for answers to self enlightenment? All the time it was a matter of peeling of the layers of psychic crap...I just couldn't believe there was anything under there worth discovering..I was insistent that somebody else had to know better....Today I am able to accept the paradox of this existence..and my culpability...and exist in a very sick world without self destructing and with a form of serenity...Am I always able to apply these principles? No, but I am quickly able to pull out of the descending vortex before it is all consuming.. just wanted to share my take on this...Thanks, Patty ,for what you shared....pammy

CrabbyPatty
23rd October 2012, 05:56
Thanks everyone for the responses.

I come from a Calvanist background (think Puritans). People are always surprised when they hear this, but yes, they are still around, though they've outgrown the infamous witch trials. The church that I was raised in declared the very act of going to college to be sinful, a way for the devil to ensnare foolish minds. I was quite educated in their dogma, and as such, I have a unique perspective on more liberal and loosely worded versions of Christianity. My father is bipolar, and he was never medicated properly. He was a police officer first, and a father only after many other titles on the list. He was abusive in every sense of the word when he wasn't showing us affection, and my co-dependent mother was overly submissive. She believed it was God's mission for her to save my father by staying at his side, and she sacrificed her children ever knowing what a peaceful home and happy childhoods are supposed to be like.

I am content to believe that my old soul is the only reason I was able to escape from the level of indoctrination and brainwashing my parents tried so hard to reaffirm when I admitted my disbelief to them. I love them very much, but it is very difficult to communicate with them, and this is ironic to me, having this intelligence and it simply constituting another boundary.

This isn't a sob story. I have reconciled these particular pains. I only mean to portray that there are individuals out there who do not consider their mental faculties and awarenesses to be a privilege so much, that they are greatly humbled when they return to the past and know they embody an amalgamation of such extremes. It gives one pause... to ponder on how you even made it this far. What can drive you crazy then, is needing to believe that it means something—it has to mean something that you are here on this Earth at this time.

I would ask that you give yourself room now, so that the urge to descend into the endless rhetoric of Esoteria-Hysteria is withdrawn. I personally don't calculate that I am choiced to having reincarnated at this time so that the presence of my consciousness might further exalt some pulchritudinous equation or gild an imperceptibly abstract, cosmic, golden mean that can't complete itself without my essence. I feel that being capable of perceiving a divine purpose for my life would rob me of the mysterious allure that discovery brings.

Violet
23rd October 2012, 06:59
I dream to learn all the intricacies of this darkness so that no part of it might escape responsibility and knowing. There is peace to be found, but it comes in a struggle all of its own, and I am learning in my own way, and that while I am completely open to sharing with you, I will never tell you what to do. My kindling will be piled high, and when engulfed by holy fire, my mind will be spellbound by a new creation, the phoenix that will rise and unleash a terrific cry out of this immolation. This mind is as a thunderous cerulean nimbus and it yearns to be curtailed by radiant beams of a sunset's soundless final light, and my heart yearns to warm in the hearing of a call, a familiar voice of myself that emanates from somewhere near the bottom to say very simply: what is, no longer is, and will no longer be, thus it is necessary now for new creation, new dreams, new horizons to cross in fanciful flight.

Do you dare to imagine a new world, do you dare be swept up like feathers caught in a hurricane of false inspiration, when you know so little of yourself, when you speak so vociferously of what others should know? To know who you are is to submerge in a pool of black, to inhale every murk and ire that emanates from your bones. I know that I must explore every terrible little thing inside and conquer it, before I can possibly hope to behoove myself to speak to another with the audacity that I have some idea of what might work, what might be good for them.

Fellow humans, sometimes you make it so difficult to care what happens to you, to hope for anything better for you. I go inside—deep, deep down inside, and I see the monster and understand why.

Learning to truly love and embrace that monster is something I'm still working on.

I just know that there is not point hoping to live in the stars, when you refuse to accept your dwelling on Earth.

Amazingly written. You would never remain unnoticed as a writer. These thoughts are poetry in themselves and you describe very well a struggle which many of us have to go through everyday.

Don't give up and may you become always happier and your heart light with joy.