It Might Be Time To Fire Your Friends

[rgray222]

Do you keep negative company?
Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you. Don’t let them get to you. They can’t pull the trigger if you don’t hand them the gun. When you remember that keeping the company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety.

It might be easier to blame your friendships for your unhappiness than to do an honest introspection into your own life. Make sure you assess the real reasons for your negativity before letting go of old friendships. Figure out how you feel after spending time with 'friends'.


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It Might be Time to Fire Your Friend(s)
A lot of people are not happy and feel negative about the world and people in general. If it is negative people causing this, once you let go you will:

Have more freedom and confidence in yourself
Strengthen bonds with truly supportive friends and find your other relationships more rewarding
Real friends won't constantly let you down
Attract more like minded positive people into your life


When to Fire Your Friend(s)
If you maintained friendships that suck the life out of you, but because the person hung with you through your hard times and you feel compelled to listen to their negativity............it is time for change
If you moved on and find that you no longer have commonality with someone.................it is time for change
If you are keeping a friendship just to feel needed........it might to time for change
If your keeping someone as a friend because you think they need your help.......it might be best to let go and let them help themselves.
If you were ever lonely and just wanted someone to hang out with and now feel obligated to that person......it is time for change
If you friendship revolved around addiction, drugs, alcohol, etc.......it is time to move on
If you were going through some extremely negative times in your life you may have attracted a like minded person as a friend......it's probably time to let go and make the change.
There are dozens of reasons why negative people are in your life but most of us never take the time to evaluate friendships. Do yourself a favor and make time for this exercise.


How to Fire a Friend(s)
There is an easy answer to this.......... Sure, it would be great to be right up front and tell them that they are dragging you down or causing you to look at the negative side of life. Who knows, they could be completely unaware of the way they are behaving or that it affects you so negatively. So you could be the catalyst for positive change in their life. We all won't or can't be that honest, so do it anyway you can. No matter what you do they will be upset, angered and think you are being disrespectful or juvenile so there is no easy way! Just do it!


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There is No Going Back Once You Fire the Negative People in Your Life
Make sure that the reasons you’re cutting ties are the right ones, and that it’s not a way to further isolate yourself or prove to yourself that you don’t deserve goodness in your life. If for some reason you can't fire a friend (such as family) then don't let them hold you back, drastically cut the time you spend with them.

Why You Need to Be Aware of Who You're Associating With
Friends should be there to support you and to enrich your life. If they’re bringing you down, it’s time to move on. The people you choose to surround yourself with should also be great spirits who inspire you to be the absolute best you can be.

If you have unhealthy friendships or groups in your life, ask yourself "why" and then as soon as you can, let them go. Life is too short and you have so much to offer the world to be limited by the small thinking people you'll find all around you.

The key point is to be aware of who you're associating with. If you're around negative people all the time very likely you'll find that you start to think this way too. If you're with positive, excited to be alive people, that will rub off on you. It's an easy way to build confidence just by being aware of what kind of people you surround yourself with. Unhealthy friendships take a lot of energy and really just aren't worth it.


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Of course there is a flip side.........what kind of friend are you being?

[Sidney]

One by one I let most of my friends "go", that includes my family also. I have been a good friend throughout my life and try to pitch in and help when people are in need, however when I got sick with a chronic illness, my efforts were not reciprocated. On top of that I became intolerant of mainstream chit chat about sports,politics and mainstream television. When I try to educate people regarding gmos and/or chemtrails, I became the crazy person in their view. I thought surely that many people can't be brainwashed into denial. Well, friends, they can, they did, and they are. It is a lonely place being aware. But I would rather be lonely, than fake my way around all these people. It simply just takes all the energy out of a person to even try. Now, my cats? They appreciate me for me. And of course, my online family. I may not be able to hang out in person with most of my friends, but thats ok.

[Dick]

Nice thread, thanks.
It is feeling natural to me to leave the persons behind which are a negative influence in my daily life.
And i'm feeling good:p;) choose your own way of living, and enjoy it, every day.
Dick.

[AutumnW]

Even though they stuck by you through your hard times, there is no reason to put up with their negativity? Am I getting the right read on this?

If you are friends with somebody because you think they need your help-- best move on and let them help themselves? Really? Such a Good Samaritan attitude!!



If you were ever lonely and just needed someone to hang out with, best let go of that person rather than feel obligated? Truly. Go ahead, use people when you are lonely and feel no compunction about dropping them afterwards.

"Friends should be there to support and enrich YOUR life". Because it is, after all, all about YOU. You don't want people who are angry and anxious in your life, you know, like possibly 'suffering' because that would be a downer and YOU deserve all positive sunny experiences with people, at all times.

Otherwise friendships might require effort that might, you know, deepen you as a person and take the focus off yourself. As we all know we are living in a Narcissistic commodified world and friends can and should be thrown out if they are defective. Get used to it!!

There are a few points the author makes that make good sense. If people are abusive, are really hard to be around and you have neither the time or energy to help them, then some attrition is required.

If friends have personality disorders that resist change and are super annoying or harmful, toss them.

The reason I reacted to this thread in the manner I did is because I was the unpaid therapist to a 'friend' for seven years. When she moved away I never heard from her again. I poured so much of myself into trying to help her and when husband and I were of no use, she discarded us.

So I am reading 'how to fire friends' from what I am sure her perspective would be.

[Ioneo]

I did it many years ago and have been living a peaceful harmonious life ever since .......

[AutumnW]

It's funny, I had this negative reaction to the original post because the former friend, mentioned above, sent a card that arrived just a couple of days ago, (after 3 years) saying "I am sorry I treated you that way" She then proceeded to describe the stress she was under and how she couldn't think straight at the time. She managed to include all of her recent problems, to boot. Apparently, it is part of her Buddhist practice to clean up her karma, to make amends. But she left no way for me to get back in touch with her.

"I am sorry I sucked the life out of you and then dropped you. Nevertheless, you are still,discarded. Now I have closure, have shed a karmic burden and can go on".

Can you say, "NARCISSIST" ??

And yes, I have shed a casual friend, recently who has a profoundly jealous personality and has treated me very weirdly on several occasions. I blew it off. But the last time-- cruel and lying too!! Caught red handed! Done, just done!

Family, same! I've had it.

[GuyFox]

Not everyone who "gives you bad news" is toxic.

Sometimes a true friend needs to delivery such news, before we can hear it

[Camilo]

Whenever you raise your level of vibration and expand your consciousness, it happens automatically. Family, friends, etc, they're the ones that drop out of your life/reality, as they can't survive/relate to you any longer at this new level of consciousness/reality.

[AutumnW]

One by one I let most of my friends "go", that includes my family also. I have been a good friend throughout my life and try to pitch in and help when people are in need, however when I got sick with a chronic illness, my efforts were not reciprocated. On top of that I became intolerant of mainstream chit chat about sports,politics and mainstream television. When I try to educate people regarding gmos and/or chemtrails, I became the crazy person in their view. I thought surely that many people can't be brainwashed into denial. Well, friends, they can, they did, and they are. It is a lonely place being aware. But I would rather be lonely, than fake my way around all these people. It simply just takes all the energy out of a person to even try. Now, my cats? They appreciate me for me. And of course, my online family. I may not be able to hang out in person with most of my friends, but thats ok.

I have had a lot of that too, particularly from family. Friendships can't always be reciprocal for a variety of reasons, but attempts should at least be made, or the concept of friendship holds no meaning.

[Sidney]

Whenever you raise your level of vibration and expand your consciousness, it happens automatically. Family, friends, etc, they're the ones that drop out of your life/reality, as they can't survive at this new level of consciousness/reality.

Camilo, that really does make perfect sense. I never really looked at it from the vibration speed angle before.

[rgray222]

Not everyone who "gives you bad news" is toxic.

Sometimes a true friend needs to delivery such news, before we can hear it

I agree, a true friend would not only deliver the bad news but share in your pain, your anguish and if necessary your grief. A true friend would allow you the space and time you need to heal but they would also recognize when to help you move back on the road to recovery. Our true friends are not super human so they can't do it all perfectly. They come with their own set of idiosyncrasies and flaws but you know that their help and support is from the heart.

They don't editorialize what you are going through and they don't dwell in the negative. When you get to the other side you can laugh with a true friend about the pain you experienced or at the very least take comfort from the stronger bond between real two "real" friends.

[Wind]

Whenever you raise your level of vibration and expand your consciousness, it happens automatically. Family, friends, etc, they're the ones that drop out of your life/reality, as they can't survive at this new level of consciousness/reality.

That's sad, but true. Then again I have found out that once you raise your vibration you will attract friends who are at the same level spirtually, even if you don't meet them face to face. This world wide web has enabled it.

[Shezbeth]

I used to maintain a group of friends who associated and bonded over many years. At first, we shared common interests, pursuits, and ideas, but over time something changed; or rather, nothing changed. As I became more interested, involved, and participatory in developing aspects of my awareness of myself, my surroundings, and the circumstances going on in the world, I watched as my friends became increasingly stagnant and non-conducive to growth and development. They were happy with the person they were yesterday and saw no need to grow beyond it. This is not inherently bad, but I was not satisfied to do likewise.

Over time, through my activities and pursuits and an increasingly glaring lack that was observable in those friends, I reached a breaking point where I could no longer maintain interactions. I found myself encouraged to maintain habits, behaviors, and perceptions which were not beneficial to me. Several times in particular I was encouraged to be more like the "old" FA (given nickname) instead of the "new" one.

I didn't dislike them certainly, but I was painfully aware of a lack of emergence that was being displayed and practiced. Not only was I not satisfied to maintain such practices in my own behavior, but I was unable/unwilling to either entertain or implicitly approve of a continued refusal to emerge. I was not dissatisfied with who I was yesterday, but was aware of who I could be tomorrow and actuated/motivated to pursue being that person today, even if I should be unsuccessful. There was more I could learn, more I could accomplish, and more I could aspire to.

I chose to move away with my sworn. While I miss the comfort of the friendships - the familiarity, the commonality, and the camaraderie - I also recognize in the aftermath how maintenance of the friendships was very distracting and taxing on my development. The things we shared and had in common were nice but were serving as a crutch of sorts in addressing the challenges which could be addressed. These friends were perfectly willing to expose each other and myself to the 'new and exciting' distractions they had come across (video games and fantasy football being glaring examples) but unwilling to make their own situation better (vocationally, educationally, etc.).

I bear none of these friends any ill will, but in maintaining the friendships I was less want to apply critical analysis to the circumstances and practices they and I had perpetuated. I found out later that largely in response to my decision to move away and set out on my own, several of my old friends had opted to do likewise and have since begun to and/or built a life for themselves. Several of my old friends however, still live at the same places (some still at home with parents) and still play hours of video games every day. They are disinterested in being aware of what is going on in the world at large and are individually content with their rigidly small world.

I would like to have been more active in assisting friends to develop themselves into a larger expression of themselves, and realize now that that ideology was part of the problem I had entertained for too long. This parallels with a post I made in the 'Saving Others' thread, but I realized that the best I could do for friends and myself was to move on and grow independently. What was good for the group was no longer good for me, so I could not in good conscience continue to go with the group.

Long winded I know, but suffice it to say that I agree with the sentiment and spirit of the OP and I thank you RGray for posting it; it has given me suitable motive for a reevaluation and assessment.

In reflection, I feel the term 'fired' is inaccurate for my friends, but I did choose 'not to renew their contract'; my family on the other hand got sh!t-canned, but that's another story entirely.

[Carmody]

Buddhists are in isolation, in their various ways... as attachment means no advancement. A year in isolation can mean lifetimes of movement.

This does not mean isolate one's self, if that is not the thing to do for you, if one is not ready, if one is not in that phase, or moment, or state of being. There is no forcing of the self, or others - that is functional.

[AutumnW]

Shezbeth, Sometimes it is best to make a break. The lifestyles of some people are so blighted and depressing you don't have much choice. You weren't abandoning people who had provided financial emotional support for you for many years. I was clearly used and then discarded. I have been too trusting and the flip side of too trusting is becoming embittered. I am wrestling with that currently and hope to come out the other side less reactive, less easily triggered.

When you have experienced unexpected abandonment recently, much of what you read about severing ties, unless there is fare warning and a good reason given to the person subjected to it is massively triggering.

[AutumnW]

Buddhists are in isolation, in their various ways... as attachment means no advancement. A year in isolation can mean lifetimes of movement.

This does not mean isolate one's self, if that is not the thing to do for you, if one is not ready, if one is not in that phase, or moment, or state of being. There is no forcing of the self, or others - that is functional.

And what about basic loyalty to those who love you? The most significant and difficult job we have here is navigating personal relationships. A bit of isolation for perspective is wise but we are here to learn how to form compassionate caring bonds with others. Detachment from desire is the goal, not detachment from other people. That is simply escaping hard work

[AutumnW]

Whenever you raise your level of vibration and expand your consciousness, it happens automatically. Family, friends, etc, they're the ones that drop out of your life/reality, as they can't survive at this new level of consciousness/reality.

So true in some instances. As you evolve you will actually start to piss some people off. I think too, that as opaque as you become to them, the more transparent former friends, family, associates become to you.

[GrnEggsNHam]

Friendship is objective... It's a word we have created and developed. There is no reason to adhere anymore meaning to it. It's like basic computer language 1 and 0. You are friends or you aren't. It's very simple. If you are friends you can go decades without communicating. When you do encompass each others sphere of influence again you are "friends" and enjoy the company. There is no need to think on this what so ever. It happens naturally and if they think otherwise they are not friends...

Some have said it's hard to be friends with me lol :rolleyes:.

[rgray222]

I used to maintain a group of friends who associated and bonded over many years. At first, we shared common interests, pursuits, and ideas, but over time something changed; or rather, nothing changed. As I became more interested, involved, and participatory in developing aspects of my awareness of myself, my surroundings, and the circumstances going on in the world, I watched as my friends became increasingly stagnant and non-conducive to growth and development. They were happy with the person they were yesterday and saw no need to grow beyond it. This is not inherently bad, but I was not satisfied to do likewise.

In reflection, I feel the term 'fired' is inaccurate for my friends, but I did choose 'not to renew their contract'; my family on the other hand got sh!t-canned, but that's another story entirely.

Shezbeth
I think as your awareness awakens and you become sensitive to what is happening in the world you leave many of your old friends behind. Unfortunately it is a journey that not everyone is willing to make and rarely being made by groups. Once you embark on this odyssey it is impossible to turn back. Consequently many of your friends remain on the platform never willing to put their first foot on the train.

I did consider the word 'fire' before I used it, I didn't particularly like it but thought it was appropriate.

[Shezbeth]

I did consider the word 'fire' before I used it, I didn't particularly like it but thought it was appropriate.

Having thought about it, I would have refrained form stating any inaccuracy of the term 'fire', as my perception of inaccuracy was in relation to the friends I was describing; earlier friends were most definitely and appropriately fired.

Well before the group of friends and associates who I described at length above, I had and maintained a smaller group of more intimate friends for whom the relationship was quite predatory (energetically and emotionally). These are individuals from whom I had some of the most significant 'injuries' (figuratively) and from whom I have some of the deepest scars, though they are also those who predominantly taught (indirectly) about appropriate boundaries when dealing with friends and associates. The psychological standpoints from which they originated the behaviors had nothing to do with me, however in my own nescience I was willing to participate with them in a manner that was injurious and unhealthy. Strictly speaking these were not friends, but were (I hate the term but I'll use it) Frenemies. In the firing metaphor, they are individuals who if contacted by a prospective 'employer' (friend) would get a negative reference, whereas the above-referenced friends would get a reasonably positive reference.

Simply, the suggestion of inaccuracy was due to my own attempt to simplify my expressions from a limited frame of reference, not from any actual or empirical inaccuracy. 'Firing' is quite sound when applying proper context.

[Delight]

In the lat few years, I have spent most of my time alone. I have three friends with whom I meet once a week when we have coffee and lunch together and talk for hours. We have not missed one week in three years. Of course one or another might be absent but the gathering is sacred.

We can be really unscripted and free to be natural with each other .We talk about everything having to do with our inner life, the collective appearances etc.... I feel we have no urge to fix one another's "problems" or change one another in any way. We share a similar path seeking freedom. The support has been amazing help to stay focused on the truth as it is felt and changes.

I am unmarried and unhooked from being a lover, a parent (having no children) and employment. I do have pets and feel I have a "role" with them. I am sure in "society" there are still agreements to play a "part" or "role". However, I believe we are meant to have authenticity so we don't have to act out of insincerity. In fact, Not everyone I meet is interested in my way of expressing or what I do bring and that is perfect.

I feel I am learning how to be my own real self when I am with others. This freedom is so important to me. It takes knowing one is not dependent on acknowledgement and takes respect that others are powerful and have a right to be themselves too.

Friendship is different than social role playing. If one should feel the need to perform any kind of artificial "role", one that is out of personal integrity that is what might need "firing"? I think the "contracts" that Shezbeth addressed need to be made overtly conscious. If they are not aligned with our deep truth, renegotiating or release is called in now IMO.

Real love never needs a contract and may not be calling for a present interaction. Love just IS. I have two brothers and we love one another but they are in different states and we often never talk. I consider my brothers real friends too.

Loyalty based on dependence can feel suffocating IMO. So, I say to myself: the most revolutionary way of being in society is feeling what I feel, honoring my knowing and acting only from my own understanding. IMO our power is that when we follow this "Truthiness Formula", only the people able to rise to their own realness can hang out in our field?

When I was married, looking back, I see how different my awareness was at that time. I was much less conscious of my own inner nature. We might well have divorced if he had lived, and one of us had changed away from our "agreement"? Perfection is not the point and impermanence is key. Meetings and partings from individuals is natural.

The biggest and most freeing step is confidence that we will never be alone. Fear of being abandoned, isolated and alone is a core human condition that imprisons us in roles no longer suited IMO. The fear comes from having abandoned our own inner being IMO. Friendship is wonderful when one befriends oneself first.

[Snookie]

I have only deliberately fired two people in my life.

One was a friend who would call and talk incessantly for hours about her life, constantly needing reassurance about absolutely everything. I didn't realize how draining she was when I was single and had lots of time to listen to her "problems".

However, after I got married and had a sick baby, she would still call & prattle on about her all her problems never asking once how my baby was. Finally one day it came to a head, I had been avoiding her calls for a while, because I could never seem to get off the phone with her. I answered the phone and she started droning on, it was time to feed the little one and I told her I had to go as my baby was hungry. She actually got offended, :jaw: and said "OK, I'll never call again". Dead silence on my end. She hung up, and that's the last time I spoke to her.

The second was my husband who was a gambler who didn't want to quit, and I finally decided I was tired of supporting him. I was also tired of him constantly belittling me and making me question myself. I found proof he was gambling, photo copied everything and told him if he didn't sign the separation agreement, I would charge him with embezzlement, which he did.

Two of the best decisions I ever made. I couldn't believe what a weight was lifted off me, especially after ditching the ex. Amazing how much energy physic vampires can suck from you!

[rgray222]

The biggest and most freeing step is confidence that we will never be alone. Fear of being abandoned, isolated and alone is a core human condition that imprisons us in roles no longer suited IMO. The fear comes from having abandoned our own inner being IMO. Friendship is wonderful when one befriends oneself first.
Hi Delight
I enjoyed your post, it seem to be a very honest assessment of your current friendships. It sounds like your reaching a peaceful place in your life and for that I applaud you.

I am always amazed that so many people have a fear of being alone. I understand it but in my opinion it is unwarranted. Many people complain about being lonely but they make no effort to get out and meet people. Others are terrified of not having a mate, this (I believe) says that they insecure in their own company.

I know this phrase is as worn out as an old doormat but "you can't truly love someone if you don't love yourself". That also holds true for friendships. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you get into any solid relationship.

Many people feed on their fear of being alone that they never take the time to examine how they feel when they are by themselves. That fear gets so overwhelming at times that they can think of little else. That fear also leads to self pity and sadness. It really is unfortunate because being 'with' yourself can be a very rewarding and introspective time.

People should see how they feel after spending time alone, if someone feels sad, lonely and miserable maybe 'they' are the problem. If people just sit around feeling sorry for themselves and feel like they are not deserving of happiness than nothing good will happen.
Richard

[Sean]

Good thread. All I know is, I
've been a good friend to people. However, when I went through hard times, most of my "friends" turned their back. Some acted like they never knew me. So, yes..don't just let them go, evict their asses from your life with extreme prejudice, and NEVER LET THEM NEAR YOU AGAIN.

[Delight]

The biggest and most freeing step is confidence that we will never be alone. Fear of being abandoned, isolated and alone is a core human condition that imprisons us in roles no longer suited IMO. The fear comes from having abandoned our own inner being IMO. Friendship is wonderful when one befriends oneself first.
Hi Delight
I enjoyed your post, it seem to be a very honest assessment of your current friendships. It sounds like your reaching a peaceful place in your life and for that I applaud you.

I am always amazed that so many people have a fear of being alone. I understand it but in my opinion it is unwarranted. Many people complain about being lonely but they make no effort to get out and meet people. Others are terrified of not having a mate, this (I believe) says that they insecure in their own company.

I know this phrase is as worn out as an old doormat but "you can't truly love someone if you don't love yourself". That also holds true for friendships. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you get into any solid relationship.

Many people feed on their fear of being alone that they never take the time to examine how they feel when they are by themselves. That fear gets so overwhelming at times that they can think of little else. That fear also leads to self pity and sadness. It really is unfortunate because being 'with' yourself can be a very rewarding and introspective time.

People should see how they feel after spending time alone, if someone feels sad, lonely and miserable maybe 'they' are the problem. If people just sit around feeling sorry for themselves and feel like they are not deserving of happiness than nothing good will happen.
Richard

Thanks Richard,

I agree. But the irony is that sometimes we get "kicked out" of our familiar place with people. It feels like we ARE abandoned, isolated and alone. Then we have to learn that WE are the ones we must befriend and then LATER we are so relaxed about our own company that we attract people who are "good friends" and we reciprocate.

In case it looks like all this is just a piece of cake...NO it's dirt in the mouth when one has fallen flat on the ground. My advice to my earlier self is to just grieve and moan and get that over with.

If betrayal is a paradoxical gift (and frankly as enlightened as one might believe one is, death feels like betrayal TOO when it means we get literally left behind the veil), it is only appreciated after the healing.

I feel so happy now that I am a testimony to hard knocks that can be thrived beyond. But I will never pretend I didn't learn this the hard "dark night" way and it took YEARS. Most people will not be as stubborn in refusing to move on with life. Bless us all every one...life feels crappy many days.

One more thing, it is also easy to feel that one gives a great deal and it is not appreciated or reciprocated in our relationships. This seems like its true especially when one loves narcissists. But, I am sensing now in my oh so elevated position of hind sight...what we give in love never is lost. What we give to get will never be returned. That is the secret of lovers like ones I aspire to become.

[Shezbeth]

My recent experience has included a number of individuals who have attempted and/or sought to establish a friendship and yet who very clearly and obviously display characteristics and behaviors which I am unwilling to tolerate. In particular I have a co-worker/significant other of a close friend of my sworn who repeatedly and insistently displays nauseatingly sycophantic and emotionally manipulative behaviors I am unwilling to tolerate. He is entitled to behave however he wishes but I exercise the right to not allow such nonsense in my proximity, and have been privately denounced and reputed for my unwillingness.

The fellow appears very simple and non-threatening to the unwary and gets along with many individuals in and around the community. I don't feel it appropriate to call him out on his manipulative tactics and practices, and have been dubbed 'aloof' and/or 'thinking I am better than others' for my unwillingness to participate. I have observed subtle cues from which I can reasonably conclude that this has begun to affect my reputation at work; if so, so be it. I have compromised my personally sovereign best interests to my detriment in the past, and will accept externally-imposed adversity over internally.

[Ahnung-quay]

I was practicing the art of detachment quite nicely following the methods of the Toltec Jaguar Warriors when I agreed to befriend a man. He immediately wanted much more and pushed an intimate relationship.

I reluctantly agreed despite warning bells. For awhile things were fine and I felt that we were working toward a solid relationship and future together. This man has no concept of detachment with in love which I had successfully accomplished from another prior long-term relationship that was very hurtful.

Now, I've just went through round two of being questioned up and down about this previous relationship even though I've gone above and beyond in trying to maintain honesty and truth in my life and relationships. I stand accused of being a liar.

I'm pretty much done. Better to be alone and love yourself than try to be with someone who doesn't understand what real love is. The good thing is, it's my choice.

[AutumnW]

The old canard, "you can't love anybody else until you love yourself" is backwards and defines self regard, self respect, and or contentment with self as self 'love'. Love is something you feel for other beings. Also, the expression makes more sense if it is turned around. "You can't have self regard until somebody loves you". Self regard does not happen in a vacuum.

As well, the experience of being alone through choice, for a time is exquisite. The experience of having bonds suddenly severed or realizing they were never there in the first place, is devastating. People who have incurred this shock are not self pitying. They are in shock and or demoralized.

[AutumnW]

Good thread. All I know is, I
've been a good friend to people. However, when I went through hard times, most of my "friends" turned their back. Some acted like they never knew me. So, yes..don't just let them go, evict their asses from your life with extreme prejudice, and NEVER LET THEM NEAR YOU AGAIN.

I have not had this exact experience but understand it is rife in the entertainment industry. I feel for anybody having to work in this atmosphere because you are indeed, surrounded by a**ho**s! If you could expand more on your experiences, without naming names, I would be fascinated. I feel that one of the reasons so many actors and actresses, particularly ones who climb quickly through the ranks, end up with terrible drug problems is partly due to all of the great 'friends' they acquire.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be surrounded by blood sucking ticks, masquerading as friends and sucking up to you, day after day. YUK!!

[Zaya]

This thread reminds me of the "30 traits of an empath" thread we had going about a month ago. We had a discussion in that thread about narcissistic vampires clinging to empaths and sucking their energy away. I think a lot of us here on Avalon are more empathic than most since we are "attuned" to more in general. The problem with cutting out friends when you are an empath is that you have a super hard time hurting someone's feelings and you can feel their hurt, so you end up either chickening out or doing it and reconciling just to be hurt again. I had this problem with one person in particular. It was a terrible cycle of disconnecting (on my end) and being roped back in over and over and over.

My best friendship advice to those of you out there is to find a way to still feel love for those toxic people but don't let them know you feel it. Cut them out, wish for the best for them, but keep it cold with them or else they will see an open door and TAKE IT.

[Carmody]

One thing I find very interesting is that if one is quite stable and capable of deep insight into the human condition, including their own..and has a developed ability to live in honesty of self, all the way through the levels of consciousness: that potential partners dwindle in number, exponentially, logarithmically from the center point of 'normal' awareness.

If one focuses on a person for a second or two, as a potential look at a person, as a potential partner, that this level of separation is viewed by some as incomprehensible, creepy, layered in confusion for them, as if I was hiding something. As the reflection of it has them staring into the muddied grey of themselves.

[Delight]

One thing I find very interesting is that if one is quite stable and capable of deep insight into the human condition, including their own..and has a developed ability to live in honesty of self, all the way through the levels of consciousness: that potential partners dwindle in number, exponentially, logarithmically from the center point of 'normal' awareness.

If one focuses on a person for a second or two, as a potential look at a person, as a potential partner, that this level of separation is viewed by some as incomprehensible, creepy, layered in confusion for them, as if I was hiding something. As the reflection of it has them staring into the muddied grey of themselves.

I challenge one aspect of what I understood from the post.
Yes, in a way potential partners diminish by our own state of certainty of what is important. Just for example, I am 59 and I would be totally disinterested in friends or partners who believe in certain things. I don't judge the interest in drinking beer and watching foot ball but I would be bored by participation, by church affiliation and all kinds of activities. Behind the activities, I would feel frustrated by "belief systems" and goals that I don't share. That is my own value system at work. Every one has a value system. It does no good to try to change other's values.

Maybe your value system is not aligned with the people you see and you are testing it for how well it fits your goals. I had a male friend who used being awake as like a"punishing judgement" on women he met. The women he met, who being young, liked parties, makeup and romance were confronted by him. They all ran off from the man. He felt alone and yet he was the one who made the interactions difficult. He wanted the possibility of a relationship but only on his terms.

This look back that seems like a


level of separation is viewed by some as incomprehensible, creepy, layered in confusion for them, as if I was hiding something. As the reflection of it has them staring into the muddied grey of themselves.

is IMO the other perspective looking back and saying just the same thing.... dis-interesting to my value system.

IF one wanted, one could have any partner one is willing to forge a common reason for interacting.
I recently realized that I was polarized by "making" things wrong and the polarizing was projected onto others. I am sure we are responsible for any perceived negative response. I also have a friend who has worked out with his girlfriend that he just enjoys his being alive in her presence and stops thinking anything. She is happy and he is happy. They "do" things together but don't analyze "mental concepts"as that was the cut off between them.

It really can be possible to change our reality by changing our perceptions IMO. For one thing, I would suggest we stop focusing on everything we dislike and just full tilt go for what we do enjoy and then we will meet others we share commonalities. IMO this is what is being explored...the full on development of nonpolarized stance and that fruit. Life could be wasted by too much mental conceptualization?

[AutumnW]

Delight, think less, dance more! Right?

[Delight]

Delight, think less, dance more! Right?

YES!That and whatever else feels good to do! My pets know what they like but I forget?

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcThxe3P8laoxwDWNCm8EJfHgNHeHsCW6xn3lM3gocNY8tT1O571Lg

[ThePythonicCow]

One thing I find very interesting is that if one is quite stable and capable of deep insight into the human condition, including their own..and has a developed ability to live in honesty of self, all the way through the levels of consciousness: that potential partners dwindle in number, exponentially, logarithmically from the center point of 'normal' awareness.
I like to think of humanity like the points (atoms) in a multi-dimensional splined ball, plotting the various attributes, interests, preferences, views, properties, etc that distinguish humans from each other.

Potential partners are those who are, in most of these dimensions (such as age, wealth, health, geo-location, capabilities, religion, ...) similar, but in a few dimensions (such as, for most of us, gender) opposites. The humans (atoms in my model) similar to each other are (physically) closer to each other, and more likely to be potential partners.

"Normal" people tend to be closer to the center of this multi-dimensional space, and have lots of neighbors.

"Weird" people are further out on the splines, and have fewer neighbors.

It's like this splined ball ... only in higher dimensions (more partially independent variables) and probably with less symmetry:
http://www.motiondesign.biz/items/sss_tut_3.jpg

[Sidney]

For me, I went through many stages. At one point I thought I must just me smarter than everyone else and I started this thread.
http://projectavalon.net/forum4/showthread.php?29361-Help-I-have-a-superiority-complex--&highlight=superiority

Not quite the same subject matter but same concept, . But there are lots of good insights there.

Now, I have settled in to my private little quiet beingness. Its still not easy, but I am not blinded by shock anymore. lol

[Ahnung-quay]

I have to agree with Carmody on this one. It seems that the longer one travels a path toward enlightenment, the more the field of potential partners diminishes. True enlightenment encourages the initiate to step outside of themselves and become the observer. That is detachment. In doing that, one no longer wishes to play the games that most people want to play in relationships. One no longer feels a need to fit in to society or a social group because there is self reliance and inner security.

I have a few spiritual friends and that is good for me. I would like to share a partnership with someone but, I don't know if I'll ever find anyone that is even willing to try to understand the level that I'm on. I am saying this with utmost humility as I truly do not think that I'm "better" than anyone else, just more advanced in some ways.

[Wind]

I have to agree with Carmody on this one. It seems that the longer one travels a path toward enlightenment, the more the field of potential partners diminishes. True enlightenment encourages the initiate to step outside of themselves and become the observer. That is detachment. In doing that, one no longer wishes to play the games that most people want to play in relationships. One no longer feels a need to fit in to society or a social group because there is self reliance and inner security.

I have a few spiritual friends and that is good for me. I would like to share a partnership with someone but, I don't know if I'll ever find anyone that is even willing to try to understand the level that I'm on. I am saying this with utmost humility as I truly do not think that I'm "better" than anyone else, just more advanced in some ways.

That is true, even though many enlightened beings do and can have partners in their lives, it's not that they really need to have another person in their life. I guess pets too can fulfill that function? My dog is my mentor, it is the guardian of being. Society today mostly consists of younger or mature souls who are interested in the so called life and all the drama and action... Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Older souls (more experienced, not better) mostly are interested in self-reflection and in the path to enlightenment and society views this as strange and not many people understand it. Western society is mostly focused on materialism, rationality and pure logic. If one goes to the east seeking spirituality, the attitude amongst the people there is very different compared to us here. One could say that western society has become totally unattached from nature and basic spirituality, it seeks the answers from the outside world which is always transient and never can bring everlasting fulfilment.

Also people who attain to seek enlightenment and peace of mind can be seen as elitist or spiritually egoic, but that is only ones judgement which comes from the ego. The less ego you have, which mean attachment the less you have interests in the mundane and let alone you want to judge other people. You just want to be left alone and enjoy the peace and of course like-minded companions are always preferred... But I do mostly prefer animals. If that is considered being arrogant then so be it. :rolleyes:

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/fd/39/4d/fd394d2cc4779d582e5cfb0c33be8171.jpg

_C6CnSNdTuk

[ElfeMya]

I relate to this. It is not because nobody sees what is going on that you should cave in and let that person manipulate you. Good on you !

[scanner]

I've been on this path for many years , I didn't realize how many vampires had latched on . I currently have no immediate friends, my family keep this crazy person at arms length . It's liberating , I can do whatever I like, go wherever I like , when I like . First there was anger , then there was acceptance , now there is peace and freedom , finally .

[ulli]

One thing I find very interesting is that if one is quite stable and capable of deep insight into the human condition, including their own..and has a developed ability to live in honesty of self, all the way through the levels of consciousness: that potential partners dwindle in number, exponentially, logarithmically from the center point of 'normal' awareness.

If one focuses on a person for a second or two, as a potential look at a person, as a potential partner, that this level of separation is viewed by some as incomprehensible, creepy, layered in confusion for them, as if I was hiding something. As the reflection of it has them staring into the muddied grey of themselves.

You ought to have married a modern day version of Xanthippe
and would have lived happily ever after.
There is a lot of merit in having such a partner.
Hey, she even trampled on a cake one of her husband's fans had sent him.
What a woman.
Hey, maybe you have yet to meet her. By my calculations she is eight years old right now.

[Shezbeth]

One thing that seems particularly endemic is the societal response to stillness.

When one develops a degree of inner calm or stillness, and is not subsequently moved or upset by drama, chaos, or inconsistency in their environment, one is seen as 'different'. 'Normal' people respond emotionally and erratically to to all manner of stimuli, so naturally there 'must be something wrong (ha!) with the person who does not'. People act aggressively, emotionally, manipulatively, etc. toward me all the time, and yet for my unwillingness to be moved or upset I am marked as 'weird', 'strange', etc.

From a psychological standpoint, I would suggest that this is a subconscious response to the feeling of dissatisfaction to the observance that I am not receptive to various stimuli geared toward causing an effect in me. Sorry, that was awfully wordy. What I mean is people who would try to upset me get upset at seeing they can't upset me; the labeling of 'weird', 'different', etc. is an attempt to rationalize their being upset while preventing conscious recognition of what they're actually trying to do. I especially observe this in 'superiors' (professionally) who make all kinds of comments and assertions geared toward instilling a feeling of inadequacy or insufficiency. I believe the phrase is "I will not be moved".

For reference, I suggest that the difference between 'authoritative' and 'authorized' is that the former comes from experience and potency, while the latter is by decree or fiat.

The phenomenon of trying to instill fear or instability in one's subordinates seems particularly endemic, especially in individuals who are by nature non-authoritative. One will try and encourage a perceived lack of authority in those 'beneath' them to assuage both the authority of the subordinates and to inflate their feeling of being authoritative, even though undermining one's subordinates is diverse to the concept of authoritative. A true authority would seek to benefit and encourage one's subordinates, not try and break them down and make them feel less adequate.

Sorry, that was only minimally related to the topic, in that some of the same behaviors, perceptions, and patterns can be observed equally in a mutual 'friend' relationship as with a professional one.

[rgray222]

Has your spiritual awakening cost you friends?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQPJHKid2m8

Source (http://www.in5d.com/so-your-spiritual-awakening-cost-you-some-friends.html)

[Sidney]

In the end, it is not their fault. I think each soul awakens at their own pace, when it is right for them. I was one of the sleepy sheeps only 8 or 9 years ago. Was I dumb then? No, but I was in the mode that all the other sleepy people are today. When you grow up inside a society when there is heirarchy, you are taught that they are above and we are below, therefore they are wiser and we will learn and follow. There is an unspoken level of trust that is instilled in us from childhood.

SHOCKED- is the only word that can describe the day I realized that our own heirarchy deliberately harms its own. I mean I was literally shocked to my core. My research went deeper and deeper. This was not an overnight process, but took a few years before a larger picture emerged from all the smaller pieces I gathered. AkA, the matrix. After a while, the shock wears off and you are left incapable of engaging in superficial life as we have been raised with. Everything is superficial in the society where I once felt I belonged (not fit in). Everything is fake now. Fake personalities, fake hair,nails,boobs, butts, food,clouds, snow,healthcare,justice system, and wars. It is a hard pill to swallow when you see.

Other people that cannot see it are only victims of the brainwashing of media and technology and maybe are not equipped to handle the truth. I pray for them, not judge, but that does not mean I have to be in their company. I simply choose not to. We are all connected. I am them, and they are me.

[rgray222]

A Man Found A Hidden Note At The San Francisco Airport. What It Said Is a Must See.

We will find inspiration and strength when we least expect it. While making his way through the San Francisco airport, one man came across a folded piece of parchment that said something interesting on the front: read me.

So, he did.

What he discovered inside was absolutely priceless gift. It was a heartwarming and motivational tale from a complete stranger. He just had to share its contents online. You’ll be so glad he did.

This is about a relationship but the freeing aspect of change can apply to friends just as easily.


This is what he saw…
http://content4.viralnova.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/sfo-note.jpg


And this is what was inside. A heartfelt letter and this pendant.

http://content4.viralnova.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/sfo-note2.jpg

This is what the note read:
I recently left an emotionally abusive relationship After months of insults I wont repeat, false accusations, lies, delusions, broken mirrors, nightly battles…. I left. I know that I was being poisoned by each day that I stayed. So with a heavy heart, I left my lover of three years, knowing that I had already put it off too long. At first he begged, then he cursed, but eventually he paced his bags and faded out of my life like a bad dream. For the first few weeks, my body seemed to reject this. For three years I had seen the world through him-colored glasses. I didn’t know who I was without him. Despite the kindness of friends and even strangers. I could not help feeling utterly alone. But it was this sense of aloneness that set me free. Somewhere along the way, I let go. I released all of the painful memories, the names he had called me, the shards of him buried deep in my brain. I stopped believing the things hehad made me think about myself. I began to see how extraordinary, breathtakingly beautiful life is. I meditated, drank too much coffee, talked to strangers, laughed at nothing. I wrote poetry and stopped to smell and photograph every flower. Once I discovered that my happiness depends only on myself, nothing could hurt me anymore. I have found and continue to find peace. Each day I am closer to it than I was yesterday. I am a work in progress but I am full to the brim with gratitude and joy. And so, since I have opened a new chapter in my life, I want to peacefully part with the contents of the last chapter. The end of my relationship was the catalyst for a wealth of positive changes in my life. It was a symbol, most importantly, it was an act of self-love. It was a realization that I deserved to be happy and I could choose to be. And so, in an effort to leave behind the things that do not help me grow, I am letting go of a relic from the painful past. I wore this necklace-a gift from him-every day for over tow years. To me, letting it go is a joyous declaration that I am moving forward with strength and grace and deep, lasting peace. Please accept this gift as a reminder that we all deserve happiness. Whoever you are, and whatever pain you have faced, I hope you find peace.
Namaste,
Jamie