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Thread: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

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    Avalon Member dynamo's Avatar
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    Question Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    Something that has me confused over the past few years (I am not so "rushed" at this point in my life and make more time for being pensive, so to speak)...

    When talking to people, be it about the weather, current events, family issues, work or what have you, it seems that most people interrupt before the person speaking is finished.

    This includes family, friends, colleagues or strangers.

    It makes me wonder if the people involved in the conversation are actually listening and understanding the topic or if they have already, consciously or subconsciously, determined their response before the speaker is finished talking.

    This leads to the question:
    "Are they actually listening or are they planning their response from the first few words, from which they feel they already know what the entire sentence(s) will be?".

    My friends, with whom I share similar interests, seem to be the ones who listen, analyze and then respond.
    My Father and Children are other people with similar traits as those above.
    Some other members of my Family, including my Mother, Sister and Wife, fall into the category of "ready to answer before the conversation is finished".

    Any thoughts on this?

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    Finland Avalon Member Wind's Avatar
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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    The art of listening is a skill too and it's not appreciated enough I would say.

    Too many people are just opionated and they're not interested in dialogue, they just want to express their opinions because they already think that they are correct. That's not a proper way to have a discussion and it becomes tiresome very fast. You have to be willing to learn in order to have any meaningful conversations. I suppose that people who are on the same "wavelength" so to speak, will much more easily understand each others.

    "When you've seen beyond yourself, then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there." ~ George Harrison

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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    I think its quite simple
    Today when you are bombarded by thousends of decissions from when you go up from bed til you to sleep, there is no room in mind to listen to others, your mind is set for survival , and survival means you talk about your problems to others, and they dont listen, so its a bad spiral.
    Last edited by Rawhide68; 10th March 2018 at 17:25.

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    Avalon Member Rich's Avatar
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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    It can take a long time to listen especially if the other person talks a lot and/or slowly.

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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D5hMN_XkPQA

    The short video in the link above goes into this briefly. The speaker talks about how people should wait until someone is completely finished talking before responding in a conversation

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    France Administrator Hervé's Avatar
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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    ... communicate in German... one has to wait till the end of a sentence before being able to know what the beginning is all about
    "La réalité est un rêve que l'on fait atterrir" San Antonio AKA F. Dard

    Troll-hood motto: Never, ever, however, whatsoever, to anyone, a point concede.

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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    I was checking out in Whole Foods once (a large health food store in the US), and the guy at the desk asked me, automatically, in the semi-hypnotized, all-American way:
    — "Good morning, Sir, how are you doing today?"
    I looked him in the eye, and asked him:
    — "If I really told you the truth, would you want to know?"
    That woke him from his trance. I could tell he was a good man. He stopped in his tracks, and said:
    — "Yes, actually, I would."
    I replied:
    — "Thanks! Actually, I'm feeling really good today, and I'm pleased I connected with you this way."
    We both smiled, and shook hands. Still smiling, I paid for my things and left.
    Last edited by Bill Ryan; 10th March 2018 at 18:07.

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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    ... communicate in French... one has to kill himself and get reborn in France so he can commuicate at all, In repond to Hervé
    I have a story to back it up.

    Short version:Back in the 80´s I was interrailing across europe, in Paris I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes called Gauoallioss, and the man in the stand said "uh", then I pointed at the damn thing on the shelf, right behind him.
    And he still pretended that he didn´t understand any of what I said.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gauloises
    Last edited by Rawhide68; 10th March 2018 at 18:25.

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    UK Avalon Founder Bill Ryan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    Quote Posted by Rawhide68 (here)
    ... communicate in French... one has to kill himself and get reborn in France so he can commuicate at all, In repond to Hervé
    You may have missed Hervé's joke (which was quite funny ) — that in German, one HAS to listen to the end of the sentence.


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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    Thanks Bill (I have studied german language for 4 years)
    Lets not forget the importance of the subject sent from Dynamo, wich I think is a very good question
    Last edited by Bill Ryan; 10th March 2018 at 20:12. Reason: corrected my name to Bill :)

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    Avalon Member meeradas's Avatar
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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    Quote Posted by dynamo (here)
    When talking to people, be it about the weather, current events, family issues, work or what have you, it seems that most people interrupt before the person speaking is finished.
    ...

    This leads to the question:
    "Are they actually listening or are they planning their response from the first few words, from which they feel they already know what the entire sentence(s) will be?"...
    Oh dear, what a sinchronicity [leaving the wrong spelling as it happened]...

    i am witness to/ involved in this for a week now (was supposed to be a holiday, but what did i expect, visiting... family?)...
    it's hardly bearable - i mean the cacophony of simultaneously not-yet-ending and already-starting speech from opposite directions... i totally despise it.

    Quote Posted by EmEx (here)
    It can take a long time to listen especially if the other person talks a lot and/or slowly.
    Yeah great... not only a long time but also some serious self-control, if you have to listen to someone who is saturated with self-importance (i do hope that this doesn't "come with age")...

    Quote Posted by Bill Ryan (here)
    ...
    He stopped in his tracks, and said:
    — "Yes, actually, I would."
    I replied:
    — "Thanks! Actually, I'm feeling really good today, and I'm pleased I connected with you this way."
    We both smiled, and shook hands. Still smiling, I paid for my things and left.
    Gentlemen! Chapeau.


    I'm doing sth similar quite often "on the job", whenever a conversation with a client seems desirable, and it almost always yields interesting results; recommendable.



    PS:

    Quote Posted by Hervé (here)
    ... communicate in German... one has to wait till the end of a sentence before being able to know what the beginning is all about
    https://www.cs.utah.edu/~gback/awfgrmlg.html
    Last edited by meeradas; 11th March 2018 at 08:21.

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    United States Avalon Member Michelle Marie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    Quote Posted by dynamo (here)
    Something that has me confused over the past few years (I am not so "rushed" at this point in my life and make more time for being pensive, so to speak)...

    When talking to people, be it about the weather, current events, family issues, work or what have you, it seems that most people interrupt before the person speaking is finished.

    This includes family, friends, colleagues or strangers.

    It makes me wonder if the people involved in the conversation are actually listening and understanding the topic or if they have already, consciously or subconsciously, determined their response before the speaker is finished talking.

    This leads to the question:
    "Are they actually listening or are they planning their response from the first few words, from which they feel they already know what the entire sentence(s) will be?".

    My friends, with whom I share similar interests, seem to be the ones who listen, analyze and then respond.
    My Father and Children are other people with similar traits as those above.
    Some other members of my Family, including my Mother, Sister and Wife, fall into the category of "ready to answer before the conversation is finished".

    Any thoughts on this?
    I think it is polite and prudent to listen until the end. But as far as 'why' it is happening, there could be a number of reasons. Some may not be really focusing on listening and waiting to put forth their point.

    Another reason is because information can be received as 'energy packets' and received telepathically and instantaneously. There has been an information transfer that does not require all the words to be spoken.

    We may be headed toward more telepathic communication in the near future.

    In the meantime, we need to allow people who are speaking to complete the information conveyance because necessary processing is taking place. We also need that sense of completion in speaking our truth as a matter of expression. It's like expiration. We need to exhale as much air as we take in. We feel best if we allow full expression.

    I just gave a reading to someone who interrupts, and she brought it up, and she is aware that she needs to improve her listening skills. It's good when people become aware and try to make conscious improvements.

    Also, we use others as our mirrors so we can take a look at our own listening skills. If we are modeling good listening skills, then we need to communicate boundaries, or explain how we feel when we are interrupted. When you say how you feel rather than pointing fingers at the error, it usually opens their heart for receptivity to change. These are people who care about you and your feelings. Just a little shared awareness goes a long way!

    This is where I'm at with my current listening lessons and experience. It's probably universal.

    MM
    ~*~ "The best way to predict the future is to create it." - Peter Drucker ~*~ “To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson ~*~ "Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training." - Anna Freud ~*~

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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    There is a great quote that fits well to the subject:
    Quote “When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
    When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
    you are trampling on my feelings.
    When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
    you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
    So listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to
    you.” - Anon.
    "The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own."
    -- Benjamin Disraeli

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    Avalon Member Cognitive Dissident's Avatar
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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    So many interesting thoughts here.

    But let's just keep it simple: try waiting for the person you are talking to, to finish their sentence, before you start talking. Most people don't do that. If you do that, consistently, you will note a big change in how people relate to you. Simply because it's unusual, and so much nicer to talk to a person like that.

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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    I think a lot depends on the setting in which the communication or conversation is taking place and, in turn, whether the listener(s) respects the speaker and what he or she has to say, or at a minimum, whether the listener(s) considers the topic under discussion important to him or her in some way.

    I also believe that, in general, if the conversation is one in which the listener(s) is expected to respond, often times one who appears to be listening is in fact thinking about what he or she is going to say. That is often the source of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and various types of fallout that follow from that.

    There are many reasons why even "good listeners" do not listen on some occasions and why "poor listeners" do listen on occasion.

    Part of the reason for this may, and probably does, find its roots in the whirlwind, hyperspeed, technology driven, need-for-immediate-gratification world we find ourselves living in at this time.
    Last edited by Satori; 11th March 2018 at 01:58.

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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    Quote Posted by dynamo (here)
    Something that has me confused over the past few years (I am not so "rushed" at this point in my life and make more time for being pensive, so to speak)...

    When talking to people, be it about the weather, current events, family issues, work or what have you, it seems that most people interrupt before the person speaking is finished.
    [..]

    Any thoughts on this?
    My humble thought - one should not be talking TO people - one talks with people.

    There is no arrogance nor elevation of ego with one talking WITH..

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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    Quote Posted by meeradas (here)
    Quote Posted by Hervé (here)
    ... communicate in German... one has to wait till the end of a sentence before being able to know what the beginning is all about
    https://www.cs.utah.edu/~gback/awfgrmlg.html
    Priceless!! Thank you.


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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    Quote Posted by Bill Ryan (here)
    in the semi-hypnotized, all-American way:
    ..I do most of my grocery shopping late at night. The semi hypnotized all-american cashiers' way also involves frequently saying "have a nice day" at 10 o' clock in the evening. It's unreal.

    There was a period of time when a friend of mine was suicidal. All sorts of bad things happening to him then. The amazing thing was, he still retained his sense of humor. When asked "how are you today?" he would frequently launch into everything that was going on in his life, and delight in the level of discomfort it caused. ("How am I? Whew! Well, my girlfriend of 3 years just ran off with my close friend, I just lost my last dollar playing poker, my dog died a couple days ago, my Mom has cancer....")

    And right when the poor bastard who'd asked the question thought he was off the hook, my buddy would say something like, "And another thing!.." and launch into another whole litany of problems he was having. It was utterly hilarious.

    Once at the Orange County Marketplace in California, this older man asked him how he was doing, and he started his act again. This poor guy must have listened for 4-5 mins as my buddy rattled off his usual complaints. The guy was rattled LOL. He left our area and started walking off, attempting to escape...and I watched as my friend followed him for about 50 yards, still jabbering about his issues. I was in tears. It was truly Kaufman-esque.

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    Moderator Joe from the Carolinas's Avatar
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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    Conversations in person aren't just verbal. They are also non-verbal. Paul Eckman has done some excellent research on facial microcues/microexpressions, so it could be that people who interrupt are responding to nonverbal cues from the speaker.

    Additionally, physical placement of the interactive dyad influences the way a conversation occurs-- see some of sociologist Irving Goffman's work (such as his books, Behavior in Public Places and Interaction Ritual: Essays on Face-to-Face Behavior.

    You can say all the right things, but be standing a certain manner, and the conversation will end.

    "Listening" or being receptive to the speaker is also nonverbal

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    Default Re: Conversations with people..do they really listen to what is being discussed?

    There is an old saying , be slow to speak and quick to listen ... people's minds move faster these days, most haven't found their footing in this new age...
    Raiding the Matrix One Mind at a Time ...

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