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Thread: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

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    Default I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    I hadn't planned on revealing my true identity ..but that cretinous, sorry excuse for a nemesis has stubbornly set up camp in my jurisdiction, despite all my territorial piss squirts and scat piles. There goes the bloody neighborhood (no pun intended...I haven't killed anyone in a while, actually).

    The truth is, I smelt him coming from a galaxy away. It was like getting olfactorily b!tch-slapped. He came riding a glowing wave of white light, with leonine locks of glistening hair swept off his tan forehead..reeking of fresh linens and fabric softener and wood shavings. He arrived on earth a bit too dramatically for my tastes...sort of like a gymnast who has nailed a complicated landing. He offered a smug, sanctimonious grin to men and beast alike, shamelessly inviting our adoration. Wasn't that wonderful, he seemed to say? Aren't *I* wonderful?

    Salvation? Pah! The man couldn't even control his own bladder! The serpents were the first to notice a curious dark stain on the groin area of his robe..and after announcing it to the mammals, word got back to Christ and he condemned those slithery little gossipers to what your legends call a "garden" but was really just a compost pile filled with rotting veggies and semen-stained leaves from the naked homeless couple that were living there at the time. They'd recently been booted from their cave for failing to pay the rent. The man looked especially desperate so I offered him an apple for his soul, and the idiot agreed. I have it trapped in a glass cage near my 9th chakra.. and his sad, pitiful, astral face remains perpetually smashed against it, watching it horror as I tempt his dumb wife, night after night. Your history has got it all backwards.

    I AM the true Satan. Oh, do I seem too frivolous for you? Too Silly? Eternity will do that to you! When faced with timelessness, there is really nothing left to do but f#ck with you idiots. Stop trying to find deep meanings in all of it!!! No, you weren't "chosen", ok?...in the spirit of collegiality I'll confess to being behind that grey-alien meme. And they're not "aliens" anyway...they're merely petulant children gone rogue. Sure, I spawned them, but here's the kicker - they're half-human..all thanks to that horny adulteress at the compost pile. That's why women will eternally suffer menstrual cycles by the way. That's one thing your traditional Christians got right - it's a punishment...never mind the expedient fellow who lobotomized his soul for the apple and lost his ability to protect her properly. See, justice was never God's strong suit. The first few pages of genesis testify to that. And he passed his hypocriticism onto Junior...his recent thread provides the evidence!

    At least I got kicked out of heaven for attempting something ambitious! Junior was basically kicked out for not taking out the trash and neglecting to make his bed. He spun the whole "savior" story out of embarrassment.. it's high level of grandiosity only betrays his level of shame and humiliation.

    Think I'm lying? Making this all up? Ridicule me, I dare you. At best you'll have a dream of a guttoral, backwards-sounding-record-voice repeating disturbing mantras to highjack your soul frequency. At worst, I'll manifest as a hag in a striped sweater, sucking your spirit essence out thru your luminous egg whilst smiling at you creepily throughout your entire 5 hour sleep paralysis. I have pretty bad breath too, by the way.

    I hate you all, but I am available for questions...mostly because I hate christ more and want to steal a bit of his thunder. Dad's been neglecting him for a while now, and with his birthday coming up, the absence of paternal attention is making him nostalgic and mawkish. Don't feel bad for him though, it's all ego. It's all ego for me too, but i readily confess it..and there's something to be said for that.

    Ah, this is liberating! I was sick of pretending to be that Mike fellow, funny and brilliant as he was.

    So go on, ask away. Don't be shy. I am Satan and I am at your service, but not for long! I can only hold form here for a short period of time..at which point Mike will take over and recall none of this..he therefore cannot be responsible for anything said from this point on.....
    Last edited by Mike; 23rd December 2018 at 09:15.

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    I'm getting a telepathic question from....a Larry is it? Larry, speak up. Raise your volume and speak into my good ear. I'm almost 15 billion years old for crying out loud.

    Telepathy is tricky for me. Earth-bound folks all sound like 6 year olds on helium. It's disorienting for my vehicle.

    Loki and Enki? No I'm neither and that's a horrible question. Loki is now an ambiguous entity who hosts a soft-spoken 6th dimensional radio program on trans issues. Enki has split his rather enormous soul and has incarnated on earth as every pizza guy and gas station attendant that has ever called you "boss" or "chief" in your life. He did this because while in spirit form he wanted to know what it would be like to be an enormous c#nt.

    ...Next

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Hi Santa....did Lilith really beget all of your demons after being scorned by that "Dad she isn't pretty enough for me, I want a new girlfriend" boy Adam? (who I guess must be on your naughty list)
    Normal..!

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Damn, you're good!

    Loved reading this. Will get the if the resident alter decides to pop in for a chat.

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Dear Satan,

    What is it that you want for Christmas besides homeless pussy and wayward souls?

    Sincerely,

    Just Wondering
    "The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone when we are uncool." From the movie "Almost Famous""l "Let yourself stand cool and composed before a million universes." Walt Whitman

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Is it true if you helped Led Zeppelin record their albums? Which one is your favorite?
    "The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone when we are uncool." From the movie "Almost Famous""l "Let yourself stand cool and composed before a million universes." Walt Whitman

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Dear Satan Claus,

    do you receive presents yourself or you just give them to others?

    " Loka samasta sukhino bhavantu / May all beings in all worlds be happy and free and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all "


    tibetian mantra

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    I especially enjoyed your minions GHW Bush and Dick Cheney and their contributions to war, chaos and pestilence on this planet.
    How is George doing? Is he warm enough? How soon will Dick join him?
    Oh, btw, do you do weddings as well? Like I told JC in the last thread my daughter is getting married and I'm on a pension so times are tough we need some wine, more bread and fish for the wedding party.

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Hey man, I think I remember you. I'm called Astaroth. I'm one of those djinn that King Solomon bottled up in a lake for a while. That gave me time to think about times when I was a woman called Astarte. You know, we're just elementals, we don't have real eggs and semen, but we can change shape and collect them from people. Then we can reproduce and enter their nightmares, but I don't like to do that, because people are really stupid.

    But since I can do that, and they really like it, it was easy to get them to remember me forever as Easter! I have legions I can pass the task of the actual dirty work to. Mostly I just sit around and snort about, well, how easy it is. The only real fun I have with humans is when I can get a pope or a bishop to spill their own blood in attempts to talk to me. It's funny, because all you need is the right magic wand and then I have no choice but to do whatever you say. If not, then the roles are reversed. Back in the day, we had a whole temple system where they knew how to make me co-operate and we ran it as a franchise specializing in sacred sex, because it was an antidote for war. But a bunch of those guys who thought they knew better shut it down. I guess there have been a lot of wars since then; I'm not involved with it, but I have the geomatriac numbers of at least a dozen brothers who love it, so, if you need someone, just let me know.

    Anyway, just wanted to say hi, this ain't my time of year. I still spend a lot of time in bottles, just because it's out of the way. I'm kind of old school, seven billion souls is too many for me to bother tempting. I like to come out for the springtime frolics in Arcadia with the fauns and nymphs and all the cool people from the paintings. That, and a little bit of Halloween is usually enough for me. People think I'm really powerful and try to get me all the time and it just makes a bunch of noise. Trust me, if you're not someone I can use to put one of your churches in a compromising position, there's no reason I would care about you. Most of you are destined for annihilation anyway, so you might as well give up.

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Does the Catholic Pope report to you, through your minions the Rothschild's and Rockefeller's?

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    To all those who "thanked" me, Satan likes this. It makes his ego glow a beautiful magetna. I'd pat you all on your silly human skulls with my hoofs if I could. To all the rest who have witnessed my efforts and declined to express appreciation, you do so at your own peril. And I know who you are. All of you.

    After almost a decade of ingesting no caffeine at all, I influenced my vehicle to slug a huge cup of Dr. Pepper last night. This left him wide-eyed and sleepless, staring at the ceiling till 4 am whilst making sweat angels in his sheets (oh the irony!) Watching him stare catatonically at the ceiling with each resounding thud of his heart was practically orgasmic. It sure beats possessing a herd of cows and plunging off a cliff anyway. Or was it sheep? My memory is a bit foggy. That half-wit christ would know.

    My vehicle will find himself a bit busy today, but rest assured will answer each and every of your pathetic questions when he's done with his daily rituals. Read your necronomicon and stay patient.

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    That altar to Saturn now makes complete sense!

    SATURN = SATAN

    You are that guy Mike?


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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    May I demand of you a couple of further answers to questions?

    When will Hell freeze over once again?
    I mean it seems to do so rather regularly and as you did attempt to tempt the last Christ by offering your lands....will you proffer this to the new incarnation of same?

    Also....Was Bill Hicks correct with his description of your....well your....ermm your....appendage?
    And do all those working in advertising and marketing HAVE to do THAT???
    Normal..!

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Quote Posted by ichingcarpenter (here)
    ...............
    Oh, btw, do you do weddings as well? Like I told JC in the last thread my daughter is getting married and I'm on a pension so times are tough we need some wine, more bread and fish for the wedding party.
    Do you hate your future son in law that much ?
    Last edited by Deux Corbeaux; 23rd December 2018 at 18:39. Reason: Quote

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Wow, just wow…I’m appalled by this thread. How passive aggressive can you get? I perceive it to be the perfect example of cyber-bullying at its finest and by a moderator to boot, how telling! I sure hope the person you’re making fun of is stable enough to endure the backlash of your writings. I’d hate to see his family file a lawsuit upon the suicide of their loved one only to discover his last postings lead to all places, Avalon. I see a spiritual IQ of about 0 going on right now. Why would anyone want to share their story on this platform, E.V.E.R.???

    The teachings of Jesus encompassed love, compassion and forgiveness. In today’s times, the message couldn’t be more relevant, but sadly seems lost and forgotten to the oh so ‘enlightened ones’ on the pages of Avalon. I am seriously embarrassed for this forum right now…..dear viewers some of us Avalon members are not o.k. with public shaming, which strongly suggests 'cult' like behaviors.

    PS This thread pertains to a thread in the Member Only section.


    Cyberbullying – A Deadly Epidemic
    “United States Department Education Secretary Arne Duncan is calling bullying a “silent epidemic” and that bullying involving race, religion or sexual orientation may be a federal offense. This issue has become global and as cyberbullying gains more media attention, lawsuits are increasing. Headlines such as “Families seeking $35 million in bullying lawsuits” and “Court awards bullied student $800,000” have become common weekly news. Another widely publicized lawsuit was a boy who sued the fathers of three former classmates for $350,000 after they obtained a copy of a video the boy made for a class project and posted it on the internet. The video depicted the boy using a golf club as a light saber; he was dubbed the “Starwars Kid” and received world-wide ridicule. The suit settled out of court.”

    Source: https://imanetwork.org/advocacy/inte...adly-epidemic/
    Last edited by we-R-one; 23rd December 2018 at 17:58.

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Quote Posted by Valerie Villars (here)
    Dear Satan,

    What is it that you want for Christmas besides homeless pussy and wayward souls?

    Sincerely,

    Just Wondering


    Why, are you homeless? (Pls contact me via pm)

    Led Zepplin are clear genius. I wrote the lyrics and music for 'When The Levee Breaks', amongst others. That's me on mouth organ btw. When I listen to that song I imagine myself a 500 foot goliath, taking hot steamy pee's on crowds of people and things as a symbolic means of declaring ownership over them. And then i go do it.

    I could go on and on, but all these misadventures have been written about in a new book being published over at Richard Dolan Press. But he's got all the adverts hidden behind a f#cking paywall. Even to a guy like me, that's cold. He's changed

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Quote Posted by we-R-one (here)
    Wow, just wow…I’m appalled by this thread. How passive aggressive can you get? I perceive it to be the perfect example of cyber-bullying at its finest and by a moderator to boot, how telling! I sure hope the person you’re making fun of is stable enough to endure the backlash of your writings. I’d hate to see his family file a lawsuit upon the suicide of their loved one only to discover his last postings lead to all places, Avalon. I see a spiritual IQ of about 0 going on right now. Why would anyone want to share their story on this platform, E.V.E.R.???

    The teachings of Jesus encompassed love, compassion and forgiveness. In today’s times, the message couldn’t be more relevant, but sadly seems lost and forgotten to the oh so ‘enlightened ones’ on the pages of Avalon. I am seriously embarrassed for this forum right now…..dear viewers some of us Avalon members are not o.k. with public shaming, which strongly suggests 'cult' like behaviors.


    Cyberbullying – A Deadly Epidemic
    “United States Department Education Secretary Arne Duncan is calling bullying a “silent epidemic” and that bullying involving race, religion or sexual orientation may be a federal offense. This issue has become global and as cyberbullying gains more media attention, lawsuits are increasing. Headlines such as “Families seeking $35 million in bullying lawsuits” and “Court awards bullied student $800,000” have become common weekly news. Another widely publicized lawsuit was a boy who sued the fathers of three former classmates for $350,000 after they obtained a copy of a video the boy made for a class project and posted it on the internet. The video depicted the boy using a golf club as a light saber; he was dubbed the “Starwars Kid” and received world-wide ridicule. The suit settled out of court.”

    Source: https://imanetwork.org/advocacy/inte...adly-epidemic/

    Passive aggressive? And here i thought I was just being aggressive.

    For all you know, I'm hardly stable enough to withstand the bashing of *his* writings. What about me? Your post feels slightly discriminating.

    I think I knew you in a past life. We got along back then. Just give me time

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Quote Posted by Mike (here)
    Quote Posted by we-R-one (here)
    Wow, just wow…I’m appalled by this thread. How passive aggressive can you get? I perceive it to be the perfect example of cyber-bullying at its finest and by a moderator to boot, how telling! I sure hope the person you’re making fun of is stable enough to endure the backlash of your writings. I’d hate to see his family file a lawsuit upon the suicide of their loved one only to discover his last postings lead to all places, Avalon. I see a spiritual IQ of about 0 going on right now. Why would anyone want to share their story on this platform, E.V.E.R.???

    The teachings of Jesus encompassed love, compassion and forgiveness. In today’s times, the message couldn’t be more relevant, but sadly seems lost and forgotten to the oh so ‘enlightened ones’ on the pages of Avalon. I am seriously embarrassed for this forum right now…..dear viewers some of us Avalon members are not o.k. with public shaming, which strongly suggests 'cult' like behaviors.


    Cyberbullying – A Deadly Epidemic
    “United States Department Education Secretary Arne Duncan is calling bullying a “silent epidemic” and that bullying involving race, religion or sexual orientation may be a federal offense. This issue has become global and as cyberbullying gains more media attention, lawsuits are increasing. Headlines such as “Families seeking $35 million in bullying lawsuits” and “Court awards bullied student $800,000” have become common weekly news. Another widely publicized lawsuit was a boy who sued the fathers of three former classmates for $350,000 after they obtained a copy of a video the boy made for a class project and posted it on the internet. The video depicted the boy using a golf club as a light saber; he was dubbed the “Starwars Kid” and received world-wide ridicule. The suit settled out of court.”

    Source: https://imanetwork.org/advocacy/inte...adly-epidemic/

    Passive aggressive? And here i thought I was just being aggressive.

    For all you know, I'm hardly stable enough to withstand the bashing of *his* writings. What about me? Your post feels slightly discriminating.

    I think I knew you in a past life. We got along back then. Just give me time
    Please step down as a moderator, there's nothing funny about what you're doing.

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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Quote Posted by lake (here)
    May I demand of you a couple of further answers to questions?

    When will Hell freeze over once again?
    I mean it seems to do so rather regularly and as you did attempt to tempt the last Christ by offering your lands....will you proffer this to the new incarnation of same?

    Also....Was Bill Hicks correct with his description of your....well your....ermm your....appendage?
    And do all those working in advertising and marketing HAVE to do THAT???


    My appendage? You mean my horns? My tail? Oh...wait...

    Well it's not that type of forum, my friend. Hicks...hes a sick voyeur type, always watching me with my homeless friends. I found it disturbing.

    Sigh...hell will never freeze over. And I resent that pointless little phrase. You never hear people say heaven will burn down, do you? Just lousy metaphors for the respective states of vibration. Some lazy idiot invented that phrase quite a while ago... it spread amongst his subnormal friends, and he mistakenly thought himself funny. As his respect grew, so did his influence.....and I've had to answer that ridiculous question ever since.

    This new christ hardly requires such manipulation. How will I tempt him? I'll tempt him with Swedish fish.

  36. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Mike For This Post:

    AutumnW (24th December 2018), Cerridwen (25th December 2018), DNA (23rd December 2018), Flash (23rd December 2018), lake (23rd December 2018), onawah (31st December 2018)

  37. Link to Post #20
    On Sabbatical
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    Default Re: I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions? (An Interview With Satan)

    Thanks Santa for that answer....really cleared up no end of nothing for me....

    Do you consider the self righteous who sit on their high horses and preach to others to be of your clan? Or do you consider that they are just silly billies?

    Also....are ambulance chasers who wish to gain financially from political correctness when they have actually sustained zero harm (it just being life) also some of yours?

    Lastly (for this post) ....Do you think that the old Christ was actually on your side? I mean....so many millions have died because of His religion over 2000 years, its actually rather hard to count!
    Normal..!

  38. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to lake For This Post:

    AutumnW (24th December 2018), DNA (23rd December 2018), Flash (23rd December 2018), onawah (31st December 2018)

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