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Thread: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

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    Default "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    ffffffffffffffffffffffffff
    Last edited by Constance; 14th November 2021 at 06:45. Reason: spelling errors

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    Hi Constance.
    Thanks for starting this excellent thread!

    I hope many stories will come up here.
    It reminds me of a famous old movie "It's a wonderful life" made in 1932.
    Sometimes we are "Clarence" - unknowingly, or not.
    And sometimes we are like George on the bridge.

    Another movie that is related to this subject is "Mr. Nobody" made in 2009.

    If you haven't seen them, it's definitely worth to do so.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    ffffffffffffffffffffffffff
    Last edited by Constance; 14th November 2021 at 06:46.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    Just a story about impossible synchronicity but I never understood any meaning from it!

    About 30 years ago I used to run door to door sales teams in England. Technically, you needed a 'Pedlars Licence' which was an out of date law nobody ever bothered with but it allowed the police to harass you and tell you to move on. The joke was it cost pennies to get and the fine was tiny...

    One day after many years I thought (as the team leader) I'd get one, so I went to my local police station and they had no idea how or who issued them as they'd never had an application before. So i went to the main city police HQ where I was told it was issued by your local police branch - so back I went.

    Eventually, they found the paperwork and I was filling it out when a man came in and said, 'Can I have a Pedlars Licence'! Needless to say we were all amazed that never in living memory had they had an application and now they two at exactly the same time. "Where do you live," the police asked him and we were further amazed when he said the same road as mine. Then it got bizarre beyond belief as it turned out he lived at the same address as me in the flat below.

    Quite likely I should have got to know the guy but I never spoke to him again...

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    The story I have to tell is a bit unusual.

    It happened in the first part of the 1990's. I was driving through the US, for a project. In the evening I was driving from Cairo to Chicago and at some point I wanted to have "seafood".
    Now, at the time, I knew that Shoney's had a "seafood buffet", on Sundays. I didn't know which exit to take... and was wondering about it. Then "exit 369" came to my mind, no idea why or where it came from.
    So, when getting close to exit 369, Kankakee, I saw there was indeed a Shoney's there. I drove up there.

    Oh, the waitress said, that seafood buffet was yesterday. OK.. now what. When getting outside, I saw a Red Lobster. A bit pricier but why not.

    Upon entering and sitting down, I saw right in front of me, above the doorway a picture of a ship. Captain Cook's "Endeavour". The word endeavour itself already was telling me "something is going to happen".
    And I also have a past-life memory of being on that ship.

    Then the waitress came up to me. Melissa (I saw it on her name tag). Very friendly girl early or mid 20's.
    I ordered a meal and noticed that she made people laugh, at every table!

    Then I "heard" 'You should tell her she should become a stand-up comedian. She has the talent for it.'
    Now I really felt silly. But what to do? How and why would I "interfere" in this girl's life?

    Before leaving my table, Melissa came to me for the check. I gave her a 100 BEF (Belgian Francs, it was before the Euro) tip and wrote something on it.
    I don't recall what I wrote then, but I told her "You should become a stand-up comedian, you really have the talent for it."

    Her eyes opened wide in bewilderment, like "what the heck...".
    I almost ran out of the restaurant, I was SO embarrassed...

    Many years later, I learned about MELISSA McCarthy, born in Plainfield Illinois. That's less than 40 miles away from Kankakee.
    I don't know of course whether she ever has been a waitress before her acting career. Time and place could be correct though.

    So who knows, maybe thé Melissa McCarthy is still carrying this Belgian bill with her. Because it was just the "final drop in the bucket" she needed to move her career in that direction.
    Maybe I was a sort of "Clarence" for just a bit and I certainly had no clue why I was doing what I was doing that evening.
    But I never forgot that experience.

    We never know how we may touch the life of another person, and indirectly of a lot of people even (like the Butterfly-effect).
    Following up on our intuition or hunches is often challenging, but at times I'm sure real miracles can happen this way.

    And it does not really matter which Melissa this was. Sure is it was "a little test" for me. We all know them.

    ¤=[Post Update]=¤

    Oh, and I know. I could phone the Red Lobster chain today and ask if she ever had been a waitress in thàt particular Red Lobster.
    But that would take away the magic... Best to keep the good memory of a special experience.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    This is a story that's best taken directly from the source; err... book

    The 4 agreements
    (and my summation)

    Be impeccable with your word
    (for your self, and others; do not deny the power of words)

    Do not take things personally
    (It's never about you, everyone is in their own "me" centered universe)

    Do not make assumptions
    (ask for clarification, always; good communication is key)

    Do your best
    (don't fault your self if your best isn't always the same)
    Last edited by TargeT; 24th January 2019 at 13:53.
    Hard times create strong men, Strong men create good times, Good times create weak men, Weak men create hard times.
    Where are you?

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    Life is full of “it is never about you”.

    Having children ends up never being about you, for example.

    When I want something badly, I often screw up. When I wonder why I want something or why I am there, it usually transform to “it is not about you”. Although with time I learned that I always learn as well and that my own needs have to be taken into account as well. Not about me, but me needs have to be taken care of as well otherwise it becomes worthless sacrifice. Got to love myself as well.

    Every single day of training I gave I would take five minutes beforehand to center myself and the tell them in my heart and head that I love them (the participants). To be asked quite a few times why was I so good at training. To which I would answer half joking half truthing “because I looooove you”, everybody would laugh (talking here of 45 years old managers for example). But they felt it. And it made me a better person c
    Last edited by Flash; 24th January 2019 at 14:10.
    How to let the desire of your mind become the desire of your heart - Gurdjieff

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    I have been blessed, and humbled, over the years by emails from total strangers who have come across my articles and blogs and have said to me how they have been helped through difficult periods and how their lives have even been saved. I bear witness and try my very best to respond from a space of complete openness and gratitude for their sharing and for the beingness, along the way. The connection I feel from those seemingly random but meaningful engagements is a blessed reminder of this truth. Even though words and ideas may come through us, they are not us, we are not them, and to gratify the ego by ever thinking that we are ever anything more than conduits of something far beyond our ken is to dance barefoot upon the razor's edge. The times when I have fallen into that egoic trap, the comeuppance has been quick and direct and unmistakable. Humility, gratitude and, always, love.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    I have a friend that i worked with for 26 years, he was a typical male in his 30's , I was 15years older. He went thru a hard patch of life where he lost his wife, dog and house to a bad divorce .He almost lost his job from absenteeism, he was drinking to kill the pain and missing work. He met a girl at work and moved in with her, they got into an argument one day and he told me he wasn't going home that nite, I knew he would miss work the next day and get fired ,so I told him to come stay at my house and we would ride to work together in the morning , he did. I told him to call his girl friend that nite and tell her where is was, he did. They are married now and doing great. He has returned that favor so many times I can't count.

    Then it was my turn. Steve taught me about GIFTS, and how the MIRROR works. He showed me how GIFTS are given all the time we just don't see them for a wide assortment of reasons. Once I saw that, I have found I was inundated with them. It could be just a word, something I saw, a phase, or a deed that revealed something I could relate to.

    He reminded me of what I already knew, and had let the world take away. He would say ..be still and know ....your conscience is your friend, listen to it.

    He called it the wordless word. ( coming from Source ) He would say things to me that shook me, he was not aware that this was happening. I told him about this eventually. And like me he said that something was working thru him to help me as I had helped him.

    About the same time a lyric entered my life to this day holds much meaning, on how this works. The way it worked for me was so powerful, yet very private, the lyric goes like this:

    AT THE MOMENT OF SURRENDER
    I FOLDED TO MY KNEES
    I COULD NOT SEE THE PASSERSBY
    AND THEY COULDN'T SEE ME

    As to the Mirror concept he taught me how to see my self in others, good and bad. This taught me a lot about myself. The concept : Every man is a teacher , what am I teaching ? came to me from him.

    P.S. TargeT thanks for the gifts ...The 4 agreements ...
    Last edited by ramus; 24th January 2019 at 17:15.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    "It is not about you, It is NEVER about you!" What a wonderful Mantra!

    I used to teach 1-2-1 Business English. On two separate occasions, I had two Managing Directors in tears within thirty minutes of meeting them. I have always known it was not me who was able to break down the barriers so quickly.

    But if it not about us, who or what is this all about?

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    We have all had some strange, pleasant, bad or bizarre things happen in our lives. Long ago I started to wonder and examine why certain things had happened. The only conclusion that I could reach was that the experience was not about me at all it was about someone else.
    That said I honestly believe that we have significant and insignificant things happen to us every day. Such as meeting someone that helps us through a difficult time in our life. It could be something as insignificant as money being unexpectedly presented or taken away from us to something as significant as illness or death. I believe that sometimes it is about us and we have to be fully aware to understand what the universe is saying.
    Last edited by rgray222; 9th April 2020 at 02:04.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    What an interesting thread!
    Thank you, Constance, for starting it and thank you, Bill, for bumping it. I would never have found it otherwise.

    Recently my former mother-in-law passed on and as I was still in touch with both her, her daughter and my ex-husband, my former sister-in-law sent me a letter to let me know.
    As soon as I found the envelope in the letter.box, my heart sank as I somehow knew it couldn't be good news and it wasn't, so when I read it I burst into tears and felt I had to respond straight away. Then I realied the day I received it was actually the day of the funeral (last week). So I said a prayer for the whole family and sent them love and healing light.

    After that I wrote back, telling her how sorry I was, and that I was glad she could be with her mum and hold her hand until she passed on. Then I mentioned a little anecdote I still had fond memories of, then added a banknote for some nice flowers for her mum's grave from me and posted the letter straight away.

    Today I received another letter from her, she must have answered mine just as quickly as I answered hers. When I saw the envelope with her handwriting, this time I didn't have this sinking feeling as I thought it was just a thank you note for the flowers, but this letter had me in tears again, for a completely different reason.

    I haven't seen her in about 30 years now, our only contact have been letters at Christmas time in which we kept each other up with what had been happening in our lives that year. So what she wrote came totally unexpected for me. She thanked me for my kind words and told me how much it had meant to her to have me in her life (she's over 10 years younger than me), mentioning anecdotes I had long forgotten.

    There is so much love and warmth in this letter that I actually held it to my heart after reading it. I honestly had no idea our relationship had meant so much to her.

    I feel really grateful and blessed right now.
    Last edited by Icare; 7th April 2020 at 00:45.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    ffffffffffffffffffffffffff
    Last edited by Constance; 14th November 2021 at 06:46.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    Beautiful thread, Constance

    Many years ago, my (then) partner and I had a dear friend, who was swimming in a sea of "too much." Brilliant, loving, sensitive soul caught up in a dark industry.  Everything around him was wild and extreme- no limits, no rules, no boundaries in sight and there were vultures looming in his every corner and periphery. He had questioned several times if he had any real friends- or were they only there for superficial reasons. It was the ultimate deleterious lifestyle, ready to swallow him whole. On the surface, to people who didn't know him, he seemed enviously at the top of his game. In a way, he was: the pinnacle of youth, potential, energy and dreams, but behind closed doors, every night he was crashing and inching closer to the edge.

    I wanted to be near, desperate to help him, but not sure how... pleading, praying, willing every moment for his safety. One day, the weight just dropped me. I was walking during a lunch break from work and spontaneously broke down crying for him. Fell to my knees in the middle of the road, begging toward the sky to hurry and carry him to rock bottom, to somehow lift him through it, so that he could rise again and find his footing; so that he wouldn't die. I would have given my own life for his, if I only knew how.  I begged with everything in me to break him in order to save him ...to let him climb out of the depths and see love in the world once more and the value, the power, the raw beauty in himself.

    When I stood up again, I decided to walk the long way back to work. Turning the immediate corner into the next block, two electricians atop a utility pole anxiously waved me over, yelling down in a frenzy for help. They lowered their crane quickly with something cupped in their hands, which they gently placed into mine: a bleeding white dove...saying, "Save it."

    She had been sprayed with sparks, while they were welding near the power lines and the wound on her back was raw. I held her close to my chest and counted her racing heartbeats between each step.  Instead of returning to work, I jumped in the car and rushed her to the nearest veterinarian, explaining what had happened with a plea to save her no matter the cost. 

    The timing was ironic and I couldn't shake the seemingly inescapable connection ...pray to save my friend, and mere seconds later, I am shielding a wounded white dove.

    After I arrived home from the vet feeling utterly gobsmacked at the symbolism, our friend swung by unexpectedly to show us his new fascination: a motorcycle, straight from the dealer.  His happiness, the genuine excitement beaming him back to life as he invited us to ride with him, is still so clear in my mind.  For that moment, he was radiant, smiling from ear to ear, but my stomach plunged in recognition of what was ahead.

    Then the call came from his coworker that he never made it to work that night. The next time that we saw him, he was paralyzed in the hospital, in critical condition from a hit and run. His life had been changed forever.

    I never imagined that a prayer would be met by those terms, having envisioned "rock bottom" to be something entirely different...wishing it to be so much less permanent, less painful and less traumatic. Yet there he was. 

    I've long felt tremendous guilt for taking part in destroying his life.

    We accidentally ran into each other again just a few months ago, in a different state, at an odd time and in a very unlikely almost miraculous way. He was in the process of opening a new health-oriented business and looked well... we hadn't seen each other in years and all I could gather myself to do was hold his hand with a rush of overwhelming gratitude and love.

    Having shared what happened afterward, the response was: "It's not about you. It never is."

    ...this life is a multi-layered journey... love with all you've got.
    Last edited by Victoria; 9th April 2020 at 16:01.

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  29. Link to Post #15
    Avalon Retired Member
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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    ffffffffffffffffffffffffff
    Last edited by Constance; 14th November 2021 at 06:47.

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    United States Avalon Member Victoria's Avatar
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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    Thank you so much, Constance,  for the transformative threads you have started.   

    No...no, the guilt definitely didn't dissolve, maybe transmuted is more what happened...evolved. 

    I was very relieved to see him well after all this time, but I will always carry guilt to some extent that I asked for harm and interfered, regardless of the loving intent. Particularly, for the pain, the lasting struggle, he is put through. I feel a degree of responsibility for what happened, because I asked for something negative and it almost (in the context of time and life) instantly materialized... I could not protect him.

     When a tragedy occurs in a person's life one doesn't typically want to be the harbinger, the figure who willed it, the catalyst. Had I not tried to interfere,  would that still have transpired in the way that it did?

    It was the most glaring example and lesson of, "Be careful what you ask for."   I can say I learned from it, but why should I learn through the pain of others? Why should he have to pay the price?

    On the other hand, he is thankfully alive and continues to push the bar doing incredible things... expanding in ways both spiritually and physically, defying limitations. It is a reflection of who he is and how strong his spirit is...his perseverance and forward gaze. 

     The tenets that Target listed https://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...=1#post1271346 are important.  

    That thoughts are energy and where one focuses thoughts, one concentrates energy was reinforced to me through what happened to him, in a way that going forward, I will strive to be infinitely more careful of my intent and the impact it has on others.

    -----
    by the way, Rgray, that is so true and beautiful...there is no time like the present to show someone that you care.

     
    Last edited by Victoria; 9th April 2020 at 21:53.

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  33. Link to Post #17
    United States Avalon Member Victoria's Avatar
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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    Had I not taken that experience personally, I would not learn and change my ways...there would result no evolution to thought and being. I have another friend who says, "Let go, let God," and a co-worker who last week told me (in not so many words) that he looks at life as though everything is a gift meant specifically for him-- that he has gifts to give to others in being an instrument for something greater.

    So, if it isn't about me (and our peripheral impact), and it isn't about you, (how we receive and perceive things), then what is this complex, emotional, amazing and beautiful fractal thing called life, about?


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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    ffffffffffffffffffffffffff
    Last edited by Constance; 14th November 2021 at 06:47.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    Hope this is not out of order but I was passing this thread a few time reading the title OP and it occurred to me the simplicity of the assertion. That its a message which speak both to the collective mind and the individual (apparent) mind equally.

    Its like thinking you have a dingy when you actually possess a mega yacht. Or a professional surfer catching their dream wave.

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    Default Re: "It's not about you, it's never about you!"

    Last edited by Bill Ryan; 27th July 2020 at 12:43.

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