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Thread: Felt this to my Core

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    Default Felt this to my Core

    Time to do some soul searching, or better yet, soul feeling. Many people are out of touch with their own souls. They harden to survive -- and that hardening takes different forms. Hardening-as in manning up, or hardening--retreating into the pure intellect, as a defense.

    And 'manning up' and intellectual retreat extends to women as well. We fear humiliation, being undercut, humiliated. And, as a white woman, if I feel this way, its almost outside of my imagination what it would be like to be a black person living in the U.S.

    There is nothing like music to cut through the extraneous and get right to the point. This lovely man, reacting to the song, "Everybody Hurts," by REM. got right into my heart. I thought my heart would break. That's such a good thing. Please watch.


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    Avalon Member O Donna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Felt this to my Core

    The mantle of solidarity FEELS.
    Moment(s) so intense that words are like nothing in comparison.


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    Avalon Member lunaflare's Avatar
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    Default Re: Felt this to my Core

    A white guy wrote that song. Just saying, pain and suffering is a human experience and transcends race

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    United States Avalon Member Mike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Felt this to my Core

    Music is amazing like that. Certain parts of movies are too.

    If I find a piece of music that conjures some emotion in me, or a part in a movie (that is often accompanied by music), I bookmark it. And I'll watch/listen in times of sadness if I'm feeling emotionally constipated. It helps to bring the emotion out for release. And even though I'm susceptible to being an emotional wreck over seemingly small things, I've always had trouble releasing that emotion thru outward expression. Well, as an adult anyway.

    I think after you've been thru a certain degree of deep, traumatic, emotional pain..you just seize up. Your heart has a fail safe or something. It becomes a survival mechanism. Allowing yourself to feel deeply about all things at all times becomes unbearable in a way, and some hardening up eventually occurs, for better or worse. That's been my personal experience.

    Back when I was feeling things so deeply all the time, I sometimes wished I wasn't like that; and now that I don't feel things as deeply, I sometimes wish I did.

    In my 20's I had the most heartbreaking, soul crushing, spirit killing break up with a woman I was so desperately in love with. It just crushed me. It changed me forever. I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. While I was managing that crisis I had 3 or 4 traumatic things happen in a row - boom boom boom - and I was like a boxer being out on his feet, emotionally. You ever see those fighters who get hit with a barrage of punches and they're just sort of swaying in the wind, the eyes all glassed over, arms and legs limp as a noodle? Well that was me, emotionally.

    Coming out of that I became a little bit hard and cruel. That didn't last too long, thank God. But I was still pretty caustic and mordant. I saw everything thru the lens of dark humor. Sarcasm. I couldn't allow myself to take anything too seriously; it was the only way to protect my extreme sensitivity.

    And I've been slowly unwinding that thread ever since. I still like dark humor and that sort of thing, but I've been finding my way back to my heart bit by bit over the years. You know you're getting closer when you find it easier and easier to cry. It's still difficult for me, but I've managed some tears here n there

    Quick story: during that tragic break up I described earlier, I was given a tab of acid by a friend at a house party. Within minutes of taking it I was sobbing. And I sobbed for something like 5 hours straight. Literally. All that pain just kept pouring out of me. I couldn't stop it. It was totally out of my control. I wept like a child, nothing held back. And it was the most emotionally cleansing and cathartic experience I've ever had in my life. It may have even saved my life at the time. I left that party and walked around shirtless in a snowstorm for hours and hours LOL. Didn't give a f#ck. Not for a second.

    From beginning to end, this is the most emotionally moving scene in a movie that I have ever seen, and likely will ever see. It's the last 10 mins of 'Last of the Mohicans". You'll feel almost every human emotion there is to feel in that 10 minutes, in an extreme way. Wow, What a ride.https://vimeo.com/141637178
    Last edited by Mike; 22nd June 2020 at 16:08.

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    Avalon Member Delight's Avatar
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    Default Re: Felt this to my Core

    Last night I realized that I believe I am a hypocrite. I encountered in my chest and behind my heart a pain that was nauseating. It was dark and thick and putrid too. I felt disgust. I felt MY disgust.

    Disgust is an insult. It is an impulse to tear apart channeled into surly power over. You disgust me is worse than hating me it feels to ME.

    I dredged up the energy of disgust and I used my vacum cleaner. IT is real. My machine is a box. It connects to Source by dial. It has a button and a plunger. It can be opened up or used with a hose that can reach to what we may imagine is the origin of PAIN.

    My insides were disgorged and vacumed away to Source. This really happened.

    I am hearing thunder. A little while ago I had a beautiful insight. It was that we have been approaching everything sideways with prayer and remote influencing, magic(k), Laws of nature intuited... all the ways we might reach the Cief Authority in our Universe. Who is that chief author? IMO this is the 2nd question after "Know Thyself". WE IMO are here to meet "god" in us and we in a material world illumined by our Light stream.

    The world feels dark. IMO it is that we all are just now illuminating the Underworld. This Underworld is where we seek God and it is so dense and dire and yes, DARK> I see curses hitting me side the head. I feel I AM cursed as I feel the meaning of Evil. What happens NEXT is what I am Blessing. YES, we are meeting in the dark as we BARELY touch god, the illumining is a SURE thing. . Then we meet god in LIGHT and I am particularly happy when in the middle of being in shrouded and dangerous territoy, I KNOW that God is with me, a rod, a staff, comfort and the valley of the shadow of death holds a table for me, has pasture, still waters. My soul was parched! My soul feels restoring in the Presence of my enemies. My Cup is only a vessal. the rage filled it and now it overflows in The Mercy and the Goddness that follows ME.

    getting around now to the POINT.

    I saw Elton John's Biopic last night. It was a musical and I highly recommend it from many angles.

    He collaborated with Bernie Taupin and together they wrote songs. Lyrics and music together are AMAZING. I ask this serious question... do you sing? Do you write poetry? Do you write, paint? Do you express yourself in a different craft? How much time do you spend daily on the craft of self expression?

    It came to me today that the antidote to the Evil in this world is our GIVING to Creator. We give Creator PRAISE by sharing our inner most being and PRAISING god by being more and more in Praise by being more US.

    I chose last night after disgorging massive disguts that I want to Bless. It is what I must do because I have been indoctrinated to Curse. This means I have to HAVE Creator active in my life. I commune with that force and become able to create sublime SONGS. The song is a vibration we make when we do THINGS. The conscious SONG is Praise. I can't spell it out but I want to share.

    This turning away from Cursing is a HUGE step to illumining. I am grateful to know about IT (internal technology) which helps me clear the sludge of all the conditions "I" ever internalized in any time and place. I am able to use my imagination in tool form. I single out my invention as proof that my mind is a part of a much LARGER context. In mundane life I can suck out "feelings" that have pain, constriction, horrors even. It looks so simple. I created in years of practice.

    An imaginary machine is waiting for you to create also. This device will be YOUR rod and staff. We also have a responsibility to VOICE (in the inner silence) our deep appreciation for what is already created. It cannot be cursed any longer. But in art the curse becomes blessing.

    I seek god in the Underworld of my own created suffering and I do it willingly so I may walk through the Valley....I claim responsibility and know I envisioned a hell world. Hating and projecting I molded a forbidding planet. IMO this TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE is a shadow from the myriads of curses i vomited into my world.

    REMEMBER the truth and live. Just forgive them ALL!!!! Then the Angels will carry me form purgatory.

    My tiny little songs have transported me to places and times of majesty and amazing change into a BEAUTY world. I will BE THERE.

    IT IS TIME TO SING PRAISE!!!

    Sing your next Blessing RIGHT NOW PLEASE.
    Hear a (or cacaphony) silent inner sound(s) and touch it and feel its meaning and substance. it may hurt. then take this "mass" and sing it out and down in your heart. That opens doors and the passage only just get roomier and better lit as you "dig IT" and move in and feel "releasing weight (that held me) and get closer and feel the Presence.
    A blessing carries away sorrow.
    My cup runneth over with my inner light..... That has replaced the "mass" I sang which was a blessing. Now I am so grateful. It is a spiral move where we give and receive. But Now is the time to GIVE ourselves with all our hearts and souls and mind...

    I WILL praise and if a stray curse should cross my mind I , I will notice and I will change it right them to Blessing.

    IT IS A CONSTANT APPLICATION OF EFFORT TO MAINTAIN CONTACT WITH AN INEFFABLE.

    Practical Astrality is more grounding. I think we are learning the Art of Astrality. We already live in 4th dimension after all.
    I will enjoy my vacuum cleaner... so easy and I immediately feel eased.

    Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.
    Praise all his Creatures here below.
    Last edited by Delight; 22nd June 2020 at 17:32.

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    Default Re: Felt this to my Core

    Oh Mike,

    I am so sorry to hear that. If you don't mind me asking, was there deep betrayal involved with this woman? I had an experience in my early fifties that was similar, in that it was so painful I thought I'd get brain damage from suffering. But I did bounce back slowly and I think what helped me the most was I was in a position to help other people, at the time....young native adults who were temporarily homeless. I provided them with moral support and a place to live until they got on their feet.

    That absorbed me, made me feel like I had worth, after being disposed of like garbage by the person I trusted and adored more than anyone I had ever known.

    Ugghhh....and yes, on top of all sorts of other traumas, like you.

    Learning to cry again is so important, hey? I had been in real survival mode, or emotional survival mode, (or both) for so much of my life that sobbing was a luxury I couldn't afford.

    But for some reason, the death of George Floyd opened my heart completely, broke it, but opened it. As much as I have hurt there are whole demographics who labor under continuous assaults to their dignity and sense of well being daily...without let up.

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    Default Re: Felt this to my Core

    Quote Posted by Mike (here)
    From beginning to end, this is the most emotionally moving scene in a movie that I have ever seen, and likely will ever see. It's the last 10 mins of 'Last of the Mohicans". You'll feel almost every human emotion there is to feel in that 10 minutes, in an extreme way. Wow, What a ride.https://vimeo.com/141637178
    Lovely, sweet man you are, Mike.

    The Last of the Mohicans - FULL Ending Scenes


    3 minute version


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    Default Re: Felt this to my Core

    In my world Betrayal feels like the deep wound when I realized that my parents did not seem to appreciate me. Truly like many many maybe ALL, I felt my "real self" was an alien. I wanted to feel valued just because I am me and felt mis-understood and wrong. Being able to articulate that, I pulled way back form "giving my heart". Since then, a few times I felt some betrayal but then again, now I don't expect that another person can truly be "what I seek" so intensely.

    My mother and father were at one point Everything. In losing trust, I lost being able to wholely give my trust. I am now pretty certain that my own doubt in love is what I created in personal relationships. Taking my self on has changed my sense of a "STING" and more amazed gratitude is my sign that "the tech" I am embracing for the matrix creation is worksing in my space of variations. Truly trippy, like being in more than one place and not being frightened.

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    Default Re: Felt this to my Core

    I bless my skeptical approach to "giving my heart". It has definitely protected me from illusions completely enveloping me but now it is time to step back in to MY MATRIX with a full intention. My beautiful and loving heart is an energetic focus and what is "loved" does appear. I think I am reporting what many are intuiting. What we are BEING matters to us. That means my material will be different and my results will be mine to take responsibility to manage. I am an Art-Is-It now. 4th dimension is the place we create 3D. Be there or be square.

    This is a report from where I am at the moment.

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    United States Avalon Member Mike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Felt this to my Core

    Hey Jess, yeah it was a betrayal. But I wasn't totally innocent in all the mess either. Plus, we were both very young. It's kind of a long story.

    F#ck I'm sorry you had to go thru that too. I feel that type of emotion in my stomach; it makes me sick. I recall being on campus when all this was happening, walking to class, literally buckled over in pain. The campus bordered Lake Ontario, and more than once I looked out upon that lake and thought of walking right into it and never coming back. I don't know what stopped me; the pain was just unbearable. The grace of God maybe. I just don't know

    Yes, helping others, I'm convinced, is the only way to begin climbing out of a mess like that. I'm so pleased you did that and found some peace and healing. I've only just recently discovered the power of doing for others. God I wish it hadn't taken me so long! It's so powerful.

    I may embarrass you here, and I may upset you, but I'm going to take the risk anyway. Most of us here know you as the feisty, brilliantly articulate person you often show yourself to be. And in case anyone, after reading this thread, has any doubt about how heart centered you really are, well let me say this: after reading a post of mine which described my recent job layoff, Jess pm'd me and offered to pay my rent for the month. Well, let me tell you, I got a little misty when I read that. I was very,very moved. And I'll never forget it.
    Last edited by Mike; 23rd June 2020 at 05:24.

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