Has anyone here truly healed from *significant* childhood trauma?

[waxamillionpehhgasus]

Before you reply PLEASE make sure you read this entire post.

When you reply PLEASE state BOTH your ACE and PCE scores so that we have context as to what you experienced.

Although I do not want to downplay anyone's experience, certain childhoods are harder than others. Everyone's input can be valuable but if you are stating what worked for you we NEED to know the generalities of the extent of the hardship you experienced.

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Here is the ACE criteria, each one counts as 1 point:

• Physical, sexual or verbal abuse (1 point for each)
• Physical or emotional neglect (1 point for each)
• Separation or divorce
• A family member with mental illness
• A family member addicted to drugs or alcohol
• A family member who is in prison
• Witnessing a parent being abused

Here is the PCE criteria, each one counts as 1 point:

• The ability to talk with family about feelings.
• The sense that family is supportive during difficult times.
• The enjoyment of participation in community traditions.
• Feeling a sense of belonging in high school.
• Feeling supported by friends.
• Having at least two non-parent adults who genuinely cared.
• Feeling safe and protected by an adult in the home.

It's just a generalist system of classification but for this purpose it works.

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My question for you all:

• Who has BOTH a high ACE score AND a very low or non-existent PCE score?
• How do you function in your day-to-day?
• How did you get to this point?
• How long did it take?

My experience:

I seem to be completely f*cked in the head no matter what I do. My ACE score is between 5 and 7 depending on how you look at it. The compounding issue is that my PCE score is f*cking ZERO baby.

I'm a man, so I'm filled with incessant hatred and anger no matter what I do. I don't get into physical fights and I'm actually quite nice to everyone I talk to in my day-to-day. Mostly because I don't want to incur karmic debt if it ends up existing and because I'm well aware I can just get punched and hit the pavement and have to suffer as a vegetable for the rest of my life which would be worse.

I am TIRED. I am TIRED of this existence. I am tired of my constant negative emotions. I have put so much goddamn time and effort into this sh*t and I make NO long-term progress unless I disassociate (which isn't progress).

Please, please do not write a general reply telling me to stay in the present moment, explaining that it doesn't serve me to have negative emotions, "get help", exercise, eat healthy, stuff like that. I am aware of all of this. I've read all of the books, I'm aware trauma is stored in the body, I'm aware of all of this. I do the work. I am probably way f*cking healthier than you (despite cigarettes which I seem to constantly come back to because it is the only thing that tames my rage and anger despite the fact I can feel it actively killing me).

I feel like I am a slave to my flesh and my flesh is completely corrupted. It's been years and years and years of work and work and work and I make so little genuine progress. What's the end goal here? Feel neutrally OK when I'm f*cking 50? 70? I had six months of stone cold sobriety and celibacy under my belt. I was able to control every single thought I had. I was in my room and it dawned on me that this was the kingdom of heaven described in the Bible. Couple weeks later, BAM! I suddenly need to change my schedule slightly and EVERYTHING FALLS APART. ANY PROGRESS I MAKE IS ALWAYS TEMPORARY.

Not looking for general advice from the masses. If you don't state your ACE and PCE scores I am just going to ignore and block you. "Blah blah, wow he's so angry and unkind, I have so much to offer!" You probably do, for people who can relate to you. The thing is, I'm absolutely so sick of people who didn't experience as bad of a life as me thinking they understand. You do not. Similar to how I cannot even fathom what it is like to be a survivor of satanic child abuse a la Cathy O'Brien. I read something that said "If these people could experience my thoughts for a day, they would fold." Genuinely, everything is relative of course, but yeah, I don't even know what the end of this sentence is.

Please, if anyone is in a similar boat, please be specific. I look at the cPTSD subreddit. The prognosis is not good. Those people are the only people I can relate to. Many go to therapy for decades and decades and... still feel terrible all of the time.

I need to know how to eradicate these completely ridiculous incessant negative emotions. This is a cry for help. I do everything. I journal. I write down every negative memory as soon as it comes up as Cathy O'Brien recommends. The issue is it makes me so angry that I throw my notebook at the wall. It's f*cking involuntary man. I don't want to be like this. I'm like a feral cat, literally. I look back through my notebook. I've written down the same things many times. I've tried recapitulation as described be Castaneda. No. Dice. I have no friends. I do have a girlfriend probably just because I'm insanely attractive for some reason but IT IS NOT FAIR TO HER, I AM CONSTANTLY IN A TERRIBLE MOOD. Hilarious actually. I've had people say "man if I just looked like you everything would be alright". Not really bro. Maybe you could f*ck some vapid whores more easily.

Overall I am looking for specific exercises related to childhood that would somehow allow me to get past this. I cannot function as an adult because I did not have a childhood. This post probably makes no sense and I probably sound like a dick, just going to hit the post button. I also probably won't check this for quite a while because I'm f*cking embarassed to even be writing it but NOTHING IS WORKING, I AM CONSUMED WITH ANGER, HATRED, RAGE, DEPRESSION, AND ANXIETY EVERY SINGLE DAY NO MATTER HOW MUCH WORK I DO OR WHAT MY EXTERNAL LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES LOOK LIKE, IT ALWAYS SLINGSHOTS BACK TO ROCK BOTTOM, HOW DO YOU *****GENUINELY****** MOVE PAST THIS WITHOUT DELUDING YOURSELF OR DISASSOCIATING????????????????????????????????????????????????? I could edit this post to sound more normal but I'm not going to, I actually already have edited it quite a bit to try to sound less crazy, what you read is probably 20% severity of what I feel ALL THE TIME, a life of drugs and disassociation is so f*cking lame man, but it's the only thing that has actually worked, OK now I'm actually just going to hit the post button

[waxamillionpehhgasus]

My bad on the double post just want to quickly rant about such a common theme I hear discussed. "Just feel the feelings! Stop suppressing them!" LOL I do this and I am sent into a blind rage and completely out of control of my actions. Anger and hatred and such IS NOT ACCEPTED BY OTHERS, obviously I don't f*cking blame them, they're aggressive emotions unlike sadness, despair, etc. but I NEEEEEED to suppress ALLLL of the emotions I feel every single day every single hour just to be remotely accepted by society, not in jail, and maintain this one relationship I have. The other night I slammed a couple doors and my girlfriend got really f*cking mad because she got scared!! I DON'T BLAME HER!!!! BUT ON MY END, I HAD THE EMOTIONS SUCCESSFULLY REPRESSED FOR HOURS, THEN THEY SLIPPED FOR A SPLIT SECOND, AND I'M A BAD BAD MAN!!!! WHAT'S THE SOLUTION HERE PEOPLE???? I'M SO TIRED OF THIS! IT IS A RESULT OF STUFF DONE TO ME WHEN I WAS A HELPLESS CHILD!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS!!!!! INTRINSICALLY I AM NOT LIKE THIS, BUT I FEEL COMPLETELY ENSLAVED TO MY CORRUPTED FLESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could edit but not going to

[silver birch]

Dear Mr Wax,
my score is five on the first and zero on the last interrogation ...
I have had the well known hell in this life for around 63 years, and in several lives before.

Four years ago I had enough, and booked a Skype-session with Calogero Grifasi and his helpers, after having looked at a few hundred of their recorded sessions on YT.
The smart part of his method is finding out the root cause for the client's problems, using light hypnosis and many times letting the client channel his own higher self and also the deals done with parasites of various kinds.

Contrary to many other therapies, he only needs one hour or a little more. (He is not doing the real work, he is just making your higher self aware.)
If you want him to do it, he speaks italian, spanish and acceptable english. His colleagues will cover most other languages, and translators are also available.

After my session, it took around two years to turn into a human being, without the need for constant visits to the Emergency Room and the scalpel men with sutures.
The parasites are creating accidents, problems of all kind, bad economy, illnesses, problems with partners and you name it, as you already know. They feed on the low frequency energy we are producing, and negative emotions.
They can not live without it.


My advice is to spend some time looking at a few sessions in the YT-archive, as It sometimes is possible to find help in viewing other's sessions with similar trauma.

I will provide some links, as his channel may be difficult to navigate

https://www.youtube.com/@calogerogrifasi/videos That is italian sessions with Google translation.

https://www.youtube.com/@ENPastLifeR...Grifasi/videos In english.

https://www.youtube.com/@ITCalogeroG...igation/videos Investigations in Italian.



Another good team is Aldo Bergamaschi with proxy. He started in Calogero's team but is now separate. Only in italian.
https://www.youtube.com/@aldobergama...gre2938/videos

He is using a phrase during the sessions which I think is very good for maintaining my esotheric health, and with quite impressive effect during sessions.
It is: " I break any contract and agreement, with anyone and anything not belonging to my energy sphere, in all time and all space." with some variations.

If you haven't the time or interest in viewing sessions, you can use that phrase silent or aloud, anytime like before falling asleep. It is the core of everything discussed here.



The parasites are NOT powerful if we are aware and break old contracts, keep our sphere protected and get rid of all negative emotions like fear, anger, hate ...

[meat suit]

Thanks for sharing Wax,
I am probably weighing it at A.5 and B.2
I cant relate personally to the aggression that you are experiencing, I have only observed that in other people, so I can only imagine what that is like.
What came to me straight away was to ask if you have tried purging it phyically.
Without going into too much detail here, have done a lot of purging via the plant medicines that they serve in the south american jungle. Very helpful and heart opening, but not without dangers as its common to pick up all sorts of negative stuff on that journey too.
And what really has been helpful is Kambo , the frog venom. Wherever you are in this world you can find yourself a Kambo practitioner and purge that stuff. It is unpleasant at best but quick and incredibly helpful.

My understanding is that everything that comes up now, is coming up because it wishes to leave. The cavity within us that was created when the soul was tortured out in childhood was filled with other energies.. entities, demons etc. These dont really want to be there, they have just fallen into the hole that was open. When the energies are expelled and sent on their way home the soul parts can return and fill the void.
My soul was massively fragmented at the fall of Atlantis and I have been gathering back these soul fragments ever since.
The soul parts often hurt and need nurturing. Its an itense healing process.

We have chosen this incaration to do this work, pick up where we left off, incarnated behind the veil of amnesia.
I wish you luck in your healing process.

[Agape]

You need a Pastor not another psycho-tautologist 🙏 I cant tell you “how it works” but there’s also a switch -to- everything.
The Key within you to turn it all off, at once.

Childhood trauma - yes but long life work with one parent to undo hers and self completely radically detached from “them and theirs” since teenage on.
So no I forbid myself reliving another and another “childhood trauma” but people put me to situations all the time.

Life proves eventually much harder than ANY of your uncaring parents and abusers which proves any of them distasteful correct.

There’s life out there, they said, devoid of love and care. They were partially correct but .......


There’s also much bigger life out there you are made for waiting for you .

So whenever human society traps you in the tearing nets of social neurosis , worse and so forth ,
embrace your better, charming self instead who

DOES NOT NEED PARENTING 🙄🥀🌟


Are you 5 year old orphan , war refugee whose village just perished ?


How wonderful God has saved you alone . The world is your oyster ! Go and win . If you have No 1 left the Universe is on your side .....



🌧

[Miller]

Hi wax . . .

Your message speaks of rage, frustration and despair, which I recognise and acknowledge. But no matter how many of us have similar feelings or experiences won't help you at all.
Only you can do this.
JUST STOP.
Take a minute to react and swear and shout for whatever reason, "She doesn't get it, she doesn't understand, she's a f...king idiot, etc...."
but then
JUST STOP.
Stop. . . .
Realise that YOU are in control.
It may seem insurmountable but accept that the loop - that's what it is, a loop - has speeded up and isn't giving you any peace.
Don't think about how to stop, JUST STOP and give yourself some space.
The program has a glitch.

If you'd like to chat via pm let me know.

5 and 1 btw

[ulli]

3 and 3.

I can only say that I relate to your rant, even though my childhood wasn’t that bad and therefore isn’t as haunting.
What haunts me and fills me with regret is having given up the fast and exciting lifestyle of my younger years.
In particular, England during the seventies.

I now feel obsolete, living amongst xenophobic rural people in Central America.
At least, back then, in England, someone would have told me to cheer up.

My childhood trauma was being raised by a mother who had only a few years earlier been a prisoner of war, in a POW camp where she witnessed executions of her friends.