Taking the Keys from Elderly Relatives

[sister]

This is a touchy subject. It is something we are dealing with in my family, and I would like to hear your stories, if you have been there already. Much as you hate to do it, when should you? How should you? Anyone out there done it?

With Appreciation,
--sis

[GoldenYears]

Hi Sister!
Yeah, been there done that. It isnt an easy decision at all. I sympathize with the older person who feels as if one part of their freedom is being taken away.
My husband's grandmother was in that position at one point. She felt as though she was being treated like a child, but we eventually convinced her, unfortunately, after she had a minor fender bender with her car (she was about 86 at the time).
Ive heard stories of folks taking their elderly mother or father to the DMV and having them tested, with the condition if the DMV thought they werent capable of driving anymore, then the keys went bye-bye.
I wish I could give you better advice, but I guess it all depends on the personality of the family member you are dealing with. Some are more willing to listen than others.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!

[Heartsong]

My Dad was well past being able to drive safely but he insisted. The problem was doubled because my mother was usually his passenger. I could easily lose both parents in the same accident.

In our state it is possible to turn an unsafe driver in by a relative. You have to give them your name and give them a detailed reason but your name is kept secret unless it's called for in court.

The next time his drivers license was up for renewal (only a month or so later fortunately) the DMV sent him a letter saying that he'd have to have a Doctor's signature on a form that said he was capable of driving. The doctor wouldn't give it to him. He wasn't able to get a license.

Peace was kept in the family. They never knew who turned him in until I fessed up after he died. Dad died thinking "the Doctor did it."

[Autumn]

A friend's mother is no longer able to remember longer than where her nose ends. If she took the car to the store she'd look for the car for ever! She don't pay her bills because she doens't feel like it and her house is a pig sti because she refuses help. They didn't take her keys, the sister bought her car! Now she calls them all the time to tell them that her car has been stolen. And when she sees the car in her daughters drive way she claims that the daughter either stole the car or that the car thieves parked it there.

In Denmark one can just take the elderly driver to the doctors and the doctor can then claim the licence if he/she sees it the most prudent course of action. After a certain age elderly people have to show up at the DMV with a certificat from the doctor saying that the person may keep the licence for 2 more years at max.

I hope you find a way around all this so no one feel they did the wrong thing. Supporting them into giving up the keys is the best way but a difficult fight which takes a lot of pacience. Good luck.

[Shezbeth]

Is this a philosophical question or a literal question?

Philosophical - The idea that the elderly possess insight and wisdom which younger generations might benefit from.
Literal - Grandma/pa is senile and shouldn't be driving.

o_O`

[pugwash84]

after retirement age they have to take their test every so many years here and have a medical every year to make sure they are fit to drive.

[granny]

I went through it with my Mom ... alzheimers ... it finally happened when she clipped a mail box and the police stopped her. Nobody was hurt and the owners of the mailbox were very nice and understanding. Of course we replaced the box. Mom did not remember hitting the mailbox at all.

It was horrible ... she was very independent. Still painful to remember.

[Arrowwind]

My mom ran into a cop car (while driving my car I might add).. that was the end of it for her but she did so voluntarily.

My father in law was another matter... all his life he made his living scouting... looking for deals in autos, land, mining.. so he spent most of his life driving around the country side...

When memory issues hit he would not stop and none of the kids were up to facing it. One day I was parked in their portico and he came in behind me and smashed my care in side their spare bedroom.. that was the last straw. We spend the next two years driving him all around creation.

Do it before someone gets hurt. Its hard. But its your turn to be the parent now. Just make sure its justified.

[aikya]

But its your turn to be the parent now.

I sympathise, sister. I didn't have to take the keys - my father drove right up until his cancer made him too ill to do many things. But I think it's true in my experience at least, that we take on the parent role towards our very elderly parents at some point, in a way which maintains their dignity and self respect as much as possible. I have seen you are loving and compassionate, if you feel your elderly relative is a harm to him/herself it's something that has to be done, but I know you will do it in the kindest way possible.

[unplugged]

My best friend's father decided to take a spin in the car at 3 a.m. He left home in his pajamas and was finally rescued by a policeman who found him parked in a Mall parking lot. He told the officer he was waiting for the local Roses store to open so he could get some things. Fortunately he remembered his home phone number as he had forgotten his wallet and driver's license. The policeman was able to call his wife and get their address and take him home. The family had to go to the Mall the next day to retrieve the car.

That incident was the deciding factor in taking away the keys once and for all. It was heartbreaking for all concerned.

[aikya]

Yes, it's a very poignant and at times heartbreaking time.

[Jean-Marie]

It is very very hard to do. It is almost impossible to do without hurting their feelings. I found that the more I suggested the harder they clung to their freedom. I have to admit that is the spirit that keeps them fighting to live longer. Here is what I did. I told my mother that it wasn't fun grocery shopping by myself. I asked if I could go with her and then volunteered to drive and pick her up. I talked and laughed with her as we went shopping down the aisles. We would compare how much money we saved on coupons, etc... Before I knew it she was calling me each time she wanted to go somewhere and do something. I only live about 10 blocks away. So for me it worked out. It was sad to watch the last year of her life when the Alzheimers really took over. When she wasn't able to do her hair anymore, I started treating her to the beauty shop and would have my nails done while she had her hair washed and set.

It took alot of my time away from others things but those last few years mean more to me than anytime she gave me during her life. I felt peace when she died and I know she knew I cared about her.

-jean-marie

[Lord Sidious]

Posted by Jean-Marie (here)
It is very very hard to do. It is almost impossible to do without hurting their feelings. I found that the more I suggested the harder they clung to their freedom. I have to admit that is the spirit that keeps them fighting to live longer. Here is what I did. I told my mother that it wasn't fun grocery shopping by myself. I asked if I could go with her and then volunteered to drive and pick her up. I talked and laughed with her as we went shopping down the aisles. We would compare how much money we saved on coupons, etc... Before I knew it she was calling me each time she wanted to go somewhere and do something. I only live about 10 blocks away. So for me it worked out. It was sad to watch the last year of her life when the Alzheimers really took over. When she wasn't able to do her hair anymore, I started treating her to the beauty shop and would have my nails done while she had her hair washed and set.

It took alot of my time away from others things but those last few years mean more to me than anytime she gave me during her life. I felt peace when she died and I know she knew I cared about her.

-jean-marie

Aha! A cunning one.
I will have Lord Vader monitor this one.

[Isthatso]

My friend was following her parents home after a having lunch out with them. They pulled up at an intersection and there was a large parade going on in the street. To her utter amazement her parents pulled out into the middle of it and drove slowly along. My friend finally got home after taking another route and they were justing getting home too. She jumped out and asked them about the parade - and they both said....."what parade" ????......lol.

Yikes.....she was worried too, they now have help with shopping and any errands.

Warm wishes

[Jean-Marie]

Posted by Lord Sidious (here)

Posted by Jean-Marie (here)
It is very very hard to do. It is almost impossible to do without hurting their feelings. I found that the more I suggested the harder they clung to their freedom. I have to admit that is the spirit that keeps them fighting to live longer. Here is what I did. I told my mother that it wasn't fun grocery shopping by myself. I asked if I could go with her and then volunteered to drive and pick her up. I talked and laughed with her as we went shopping down the aisles. We would compare how much money we saved on coupons, etc... Before I knew it she was calling me each time she wanted to go somewhere and do something. I only live about 10 blocks away. So for me it worked out. It was sad to watch the last year of her life when the Alzheimers really took over. When she wasn't able to do her hair anymore, I started treating her to the beauty shop and would have my nails done while she had her hair washed and set.


It took alot of my time away from others things but those last few years mean more to me than anytime she gave me during her life. I felt peace when she died and I know she knew I cared about her.

-jean-marie

Aha! A cunning one.
I will have Lord Vader monitor this one.

Thank you Lord Sidious!

But It wasn't just cunning it was with done with Love and Respect!

-jean-marie

[Eva2]

When I was in this position I was very upfront about it (particularly after sideswiping another car and driving into the garage). My parent was in terminal health at the time, on all kinds of medication, but the car had always been a big part of his life. I made sure he knew how stressed I was about it and the repercussions of hitting someone. I keep thinking about that incident a few years ago where an elderly man in the U.S. "inadvertently" put his foot on the gas instead of the brakes and ended up killing 10 people and injuring many more. You really have to put feelings aside in this situation and hope they will eventually accept the decision and see the logic in it.

[Icecold]

I can't believe what I'm reading here....

I..

What are you going to do with these eldely people who cared for you most of their lives when there are no more nursing homes?

Shoot them?

I know its about keys. At least when motor vehicles are a thing of the past, none of this will happen.
Hopefully.

Sorry, its the condescending way in which this thread is conducted that has me disturbed.

Please carry on. I have no idea.

[Isthatso]

Posted by Icecold (here)
I can't believe what I'm reading here....

I..

What are you going to do with these eldely people who cared for you most of their lives when there are no more nursing homes?

Shoot them?

I know its about keys. At least when motor vehicles are a thing of the past, none of this will happen.
Hopefully.

Sorry, its the condescending way in which this thread is conducted that has me disturbed.

Please carry on. I have no idea.

Easy tiger.....

For me it's more of a 'do unto others .........' thing . I wouldn't want to be the cause of harm - so when the time come's that my mother can't safely drive, I'll happily trip her around wherever she needs to go and openly discuss any concerns she has too.

She'll love all the attention and extra time.



Warm wishes.