Anger

[Inanna]

Hi everyone,

Lately I'm struggling with something. I thought it was something new. But I discovered it was something old, lol.
I have reflux since two years. It influences my voice and throat in a negative way and that's really a problem for me, because I'm a professional vocal coach.

More than ten years ago, I struggeled with stomach aches and cramps. It became so severe that I once got to the ER. Afterwards I had a gastroscopy but they couldn't find anything unusual. Except for the fact that the opening of my gallbladder canal was a bit more widened than normal. The problem disappeared after a few weeks and I considered myself cured (without any treatment though).

Because of my recent reflux attacks (mostly during the night) I started some healing works called 'voice works'. It's a combination of making sounds, massage and body movement, lead by a professional voice worker. Works great on me but I discovered something:

I'm angry. I'm full of anger.
It seems like it activates my gallbladder in a strange way: bile/gall fluid flows back into my stomach causing reflux.
Whenever I feel the reflux coming, I feel angry, pissed, moody...

And it becomes worse by the day.

Today, I saw a documentary about Tsjernobyl and the influence on childbirth and the next generations of children in the area, even 20 tot 25 years after the incident. I was really in shock by seeing those little children with their tumors growing out of their bodies, all those deformed bodies, etc... and the fact that the Russian government is still lying about the high radiation, even more than 100 km away from the scene.
The fact that this is now happening with Japan (even they survived both Hiroshima and Nagasaki) and that the government seems not to be honest about the severe risks, really cuts my heart out.
And here in Belgium (we have to power plants) it makes me so angry that people just seem to shrug their shoulders when it's about closing or not closing our power plants.

I felt the same anger coming up and yes, of course, the reflux was back in an instant.

I tried to dig deeper into that feeling of being angry and pissed. And after a while I had a sort of insight, let's call it a 'vision'. I saw myself being born into this world: angry. I saw myself growing up into this world: angry.
The anger is always with me, but I have learned never to express it, because anger is 'bad', it's not 'wanted' into this world. I have to behave, I have to shut up and listen.

I'm reading the last book of David Icke now. And I feel even more angry. Lol.
He's getting to me. I happen to believe a lot of what he's saying. It's an eye-opener.

Okay, so far with being angry. And the reflux.
I feel it right now, writing this all.

Then I tried to discover why I'm angry. And it's so obvious: I'm angry because of how the world is managing. Not only today, but like for the last thousands of years.
I'm angry because everyone seems to be sleepwalking and I feel lonely because it's like I'm the only one awake.
I'm angry because I feel all the pain and the sadness this world is giving me, because I once believed man (= human race) is born to do much greater things than what we're doing right now. I'm angry because no-one seems to believe that anymore: everyone is so occupied with their own little lives that there is no 'great potential' left, no creativity, no real unconditional love, no empathy. And so on...

I admit I must be exaggerating a bit, but the anger I feel makes no mistakes: it is what it is.

I discovered that beneath this anger there is a lot of grief, disappointment and sadness. I feel like: this is it! I'm waking up and there's nothing I can do about it... and... IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!!

My grief is so big I could burst out of my body. It's like I'm a ticking time bomb. I can only hope I will not explode at the worst moment. But I feel like exploding any moment. The sadness is so big as the anger grows even bigger.

I have a vivid memory of being born with this sadness as if I already knew, even before I left the uterus, that there was something not quite right with the world and that I would get in the middle of it. And I did: they brainwashed me, indoctrinated me, told me lies, dictated how to live my life, and so on... and before I was in my twenties, I couldn't feel a thing anymore. I was just like anyone else: a blunted human being, a slave to society.

But there was something brewing inside of me: there was still a little flame that gave me the feeling that I was right, and 'they' were wrong. The only problem is: I couldn't quite reach it.
I always had the feeling that I had to fight the system (some call it 'Indigo children') and so I did. But because of that I tumbled from one conflict situation into another, until I had no energy left anymore to fight. And so 'they' won.

'They' won for several years but I felt like I was dying inside. I tried so hard to fit in with the world, to do what everyone expected me to do, but it was too hard. At one moment, a few years ago (after having a depression for several years) I felt I had just one choice left: live or die.

It didn't take me long before I could choose: I chose life, of course.
That was the beginning. First I had to go through a few trauma events from my past (I was raped at the age of 17 by my first boyfriend and me being born was an accident: my parents hadn't planned me... you can guess how I felt when I discovered this) and it resulted in chronicle hyperventilation.
I overcame the panic attacks and the hyperventilation through breathing excersises and mindfulness, and after that, the reflux started to come up.

Now with the voice works I discovered that I can feel again. I can allow my emotions to simply be. And yes, that reminds me of my great potential as a human being, because I believe that 'feeling' is very important to us. It connects us with everything and everyone on a more conscious level.
I was very afraid to feel ('they' have taught me to be afraid of my feelings and emotions) and so tried to not-feel for years. Everytime I seemed to 'feel' something it was a struggle to overcome it. The battle is very exhaustive, so I lost all my energy, time after time (I'm sure this is one of the causes of depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, fybromyalgia, ...).
Now that I'm able to feel again, I feel a lot more energized, balanced, etc...

But because of the fact that I'm feeling again I FEEL EVERYTHING!
I feel all the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the grief of the whole world. And it breaks me to pieces. I don't know what to do with it.

I'm so angry because of it. I have felt that grief all my life but it seems like it's a never ending curse. Nobody seems to care because we're all struggling with this same grief, trying to burry it far beneath the surface, never to feel again. Some of us even do drugs to feel numb, because everything 's better than feeling this grief all the time.
I get that. I understand now why some people need to drug themselves. I can sympathize with their impulses. But I would never do that because I know it would make everything worse.

So here I am. I'm angry at the world. I'm angry because of what's happening in the world (of better: what's not happening but should be happening). Sometimes I wish that 'something' would happen, something so badly that everyone would just wake up and do something about it.
It's very frustrating to feel all this, knowing that there is no-one in my direct area to talk to about this. I'm a professional vocal coach, I can't just express this to anyone without being laughed at or losing clients, can I?

The reflux is just eating me from the inside out. I can't sing because my vocal cords are irritated all the time. And I still feel like I'm holding back, because this is all so confusing. What does this mean? I'm at a point in my life now that I want to see clear so that I can take the next step. But I don't know what the next step is.
So I wake up in the morning, all 'refluxed', lol, moody and angry. I try to do my work as good as I can, but I know I'm missing something. Sometimes I even get annoyed by my own clients, because of their ignorance... and I feel ashamed because I feel this, like I'm a better person (which I'm not).

How do you all cope? I would like to know...

[dan i el]

gOSH! um..I had a gastroscopy THIS MORNING because of chronic reflux over the last half year getting worse and worse. I REALLY can accord with much of what you say.. always felt out of the loop growing up,couldn't really put my finger on it. Anger, sadness, feeling alien,getting called "alien" and much else. Only in adult life have I been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome..it made a whole lot of sense. Thanks for your truly heartfelt post, I am sending you a friend request, I hope that is okay.

I tend to agree with M.Tsarion that anger can be constructive when channeled in an intelligent manner and it shouldn't be denied for it is a natural part of our make up. edit) especially so, when considering the incalculable corruption and malaise in this farm we are born into to weighs heavy on the soul. jmo

best wishes

[Inanna]

Exactly my feeling, dan i el.
I'm sorry to hear that you had to experience a gastroscopy this morning. Mine was traumatic: they didn't even took the opportunity to fill me in about possible anesthesia, so I had to experience it 'the hard way'. It was just horrible :'(

[ktlight]

Thought and feeling are very closely aligned. Each leads to the other. Understanding this may allow you to examine which thought(s) raise the emotion anger in you. This could then allow you to push the thought(s) out of the mind - just command them to go and practice this. It gets easier.
You cannot accept responsibility for the pain and suffering in the world, even though the whole world is suffering, even though we are the world and the world is us. You also have to start within before it can become without, if you get me. Everything starts inside. Also, offer it up and trust the outcome of this.

I could go on and on, so I will stop here and hope this helps.

[Inanna]

I can relate to your comment, ktlight. Thank you.
I feel like a child coming into this world, experiencing this world, and then concluding that I'm doing something wrong, because the world doesn't feel right.
They say that children always take the blame for anything that happens in their world (especially when it involves loved ones). I think I took the blame, indeed.

[dan i el]

Posted by Inanna (here)
Exactly my feeling, dan i el.
I'm sorry to hear that you had to experience a gastroscopy this morning. Mine was traumatic: they didn't even took the opportunity to fill me in about possible anesthesia, so I had to experience it 'the hard way'. It was just horrible :'(

Yes, it was rather grim but they did use a local anesthetic in the throat, at least..horrible that they didn't give you anything! it caused temporary Dysphagia but I am glad it's done at least.

[Inanna]

Posted by dan i el (here)
I am sending you a friend request, I hope that is okay.

Gladly accepted :-)

[ktlight]

Posted by Inanna (here)
I can relate to your comment, ktlight. Thank you.
I feel like a child coming into this world, experiencing this world, and then concluding that I'm doing something wrong, because the world doesn't feel right.
They say that children always take the blame for anything that happens in their world (especially when it involves loved ones). I think I took the blame, indeed.

I am so glad you understand, Inanna. Whatever in you that is suggesting that you have done wrong, throw it out. If you feel that you have done wrong, forgive yourself. Then move on.

Blessings.

[jeoseeker]

Posted by Inanna (here)
Hi everyone,

Lately I'm struggling with something. I thought it was something new. But I discovered it was something old, lol.
I have reflux since two years. It influences my voice and throat in a negative way and that's really a problem for me, because I'm a professional vocal coach.

...

How do you all cope? I would like to know...

I used to suffer with reflux it even made me completly lose my voice at times so i know how rotten this feels to have, now i know it's hard but changing your diet for a few months will really help ,cut out all tomato based foods i found these to be the worst for me,definatly no processed foods ,no fried food no coffee and definatley no wines,eat green apples everyday also i find that green tea helps.Now how do i cope with the world thats a good question maybe we are not supposed to just cope, anger like any other emotion can be tamed ,i am not a religous person but i find that this quote helps alot "Be of the world not in it"

[Corncrake]

Inanna - thank you so much for sharing your story. Hope it helped a bit to just write it down! FWIW, one of my sisters has suffered from reflux all her life and she is a very gentle person. As far as I know there is no psychological damage there just a physical malformation - a kind of hernia - which causes her pain after certain foods and strange metallic breath!

I too get very frustrated with people's unwillingness to look at the alternative news and their sometimes blind faith - that all is as it should be - can be hard to deal with. The warmongering makes me really angry too. I find it is best to take it in easlly digestible chunks rather than inundating myself with it. Not much shocks me now but there are a few things in the mind control area I cannot bring myself to look into. Meditation helps and I have one good friend I can have a rant with now and again.

Take a look at the thread 'See no Evil, Say no Evil, Hear no Evil' - it may help!

[mosquito]

Inanna, wow ! This is a forum, so there's not a hhuge amount one can do to help but .....
First of all - don't judge yourself (I don't think you are) anger is NOT a "negative" emotion, only when we either can't or won't process it does it become destructive, so you need to let yourself be angry, it really is ok. I know, we in the West are brought up to supress it, so when it comes out it's very scary, I know from my own experience, so I empathise. Hopefully others may have effective techniques for getting to the roots of your anger, (sounds like injustice ???), but right now it's ok to let yourself be angry at all those things you mentioned, you DO have a right to feel angry, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise !!! My only advice would be to not feed it - i.e. don't switch on the news and avoid alcohol if you can. I really wish I could be more help, I know how it feels, so hang on inj there sister !!!
One thing to leave you with, there are various Chinese terms for anger, first of all - 生气 (Sheng Qi) Sheng means life, birth. Qi is vital energy, so in this sense it's a birthing energy - I love this idea, it turns anger from something destructive into something creative, see if you can work with that ! One of the single characters for anger is - 怒 (Nu) the elements of this character are a woman and right hand (which together mean a female servant) over the heart - so this symbolises the righteous rage a woman feels by being subjected to servitude - You may be able to identify with that.
Go for it, power and love to you, Philip

[Anchor]

Have you been to see a chiropractor? If not please consider it and getting your spine checked out by a good Chiro - they can work miracles.

On the anger - this is going to be a tough one to deal with - the energetics are fierce.

Anger is directed - consider at what and from where?

Forgiveness and healing are interlinked.

Are you angry at yourself - reflected in the world around you? My initial idea is that this is a possibility.

Do you meditate?

[Inanna]

Posted by mariposafe (here)
Inanna, wow ! This is a forum, so there's not a hhuge amount one can do to help but .....
First of all - don't judge yourself (I don't think you are) anger is NOT a "negative" emotion, only when we either can't or won't process it does it become destructive, so you need to let yourself be angry, it really is ok. I know, we in the West are brought up to supress it, so when it comes out it's very scary, I know from my own experience, so I empathise. Hopefully others may have effective techniques for getting to the roots of your anger, (sounds like injustice ???), but right now it's ok to let yourself be angry at all those things you mentioned, you DO have a right to feel angry, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise !!! My only advice would be to not feed it - i.e. don't switch on the news and avoid alcohol if you can. I really wish I could be more help, I know how it feels, so hang on inj there sister !!!
One thing to leave you with, there are various Chinese terms for anger, first of all - 生气 (Sheng Qi) Sheng means life, birth. Qi is vital energy, so in this sense it's a birthing energy - I love this idea, it turns anger from something destructive into something creative, see if you can work with that ! One of the single characters for anger is - 怒 (Nu) the elements of this character are a woman and right hand (which together mean a female servant) over the heart - so this symbolises the righteous rage a woman feels by being subjected to servitude - You may be able to identify with that.
Go for it, power and love to you, Philip

Thank you so much. I think I was waiting for something like this: just to get the admission to feel angry, to be angry... That is so great to hear. I'm taking your advice. Because I can feel it in every cell of my body: it has the right to exist. So I DO feel that I have to right to be angry. I just needed this little push from you ;-)
It's quite powerful indeed. It's energy. I don't know what's really underneath it or what I should do with it, but for this moment I'll just let it be, because 'it is' :-)

[greybeard]

The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle helped me greatly.

Anger comes from lack of acceptance of what is -- you only need to accept it is -- then you ar calm enough to do whatever you can.

This prayer may help.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can
Wisdom to know the difference

Anger hurts the one who is experiencing it, there are no positive side affects, it creates toxins in the blood.
Its poisonous.
Regards Chris

[Inanna]

Posted by Anchor (here)
Have you been to see a chiropractor? If not please consider it and getting your spine checked out by a good Chiro - they can work miracles.

On the anger - this is going to be a tough one to deal with - the energetics are fierce.

Anger is directed - consider at what and from where?

Forgiveness and healing are interlinked.

Are you angry at yourself - reflected in the world around you? My initial idea is that this is a possibility.

Do you meditate?

I could be angry with myself, indeed, I don't know. It's a possibility. The voice worker I'm working with did mention that I shouldn't look for it outside of me, but on the inside. I think that is good advice, because I can't change the world on my own... I can change myself and the way I'm dealing with the world, though ;-)

I don't meditate. I sing. I do voice works. And mindfulness.

[Inanna]

Posted by greybeard (here)
The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle helped me greatly.

Anger comes from lack of acceptance of what is -- you only need to accept it is -- then you ar calm enough to do whatever you can.

Tis prayer may help.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can
Wisdom to know the difference

Anger hurts the one who is experiencing it, there are no positive side affects, it creates toxins in the blood.
Its poisonous.
Regards Chris

I'm not quite there yet, to accept it, but I surely understand your point of view. Acceptance is indeed my challenge.
I think the anger is just a non-acceptance or resistance towards the underlying grief. Accepting that I'm grieving would do the tric, I hope. But it takes time (in my experience) to get to that point that I can just allow it all to be. I'm getting there (first step was getting this all out in the open, so that I can't lie to myself anymore). Thank you.

[Lord Sidious]

Posted by Inanna (here)

Posted by Anchor (here)
Have you been to see a chiropractor? If not please consider it and getting your spine checked out by a good Chiro - they can work miracles.

On the anger - this is going to be a tough one to deal with - the energetics are fierce.

Anger is directed - consider at what and from where?

Forgiveness and healing are interlinked.

Are you angry at yourself - reflected in the world around you? My initial idea is that this is a possibility.

Do you meditate?

I could be angry with myself, indeed, I don't know. It's a possibility. The voice worker I'm working with did mention that I shouldn't look for it outside of me, but on the inside. I think that is good advice, because I can't change the world on my own... I can change myself and the way I'm dealing with the world, though ;-)

I don't meditate. I sing. I do voice works. And mindfulness.

Most people are these days and that is a huge reason they self sabotage.
Reflux is one symptom.
Trust me on this, I had it too.

[Anchor]

There is a big bridge between being dissatisfied with the things that happen around us, and the choices that people keep making to perpetuate these things... it can be maddening and prompt the anger rush - a wild torrent of destructive energy (which of course may well be what is behind the physical symptoms).

Your body is amazing. It has a whole armoury of ways of letting you know that something is up and needing attention. Now you are recognizing it and the root causes - you can start to fix it.

Chiropractor?

John..

[9eagle9]

Then I tried to discover why I'm angry. And it's so obvious: I'm angry because of how the world is managing. Not only today, but like for the last thousands of years.
I'm angry because everyone seems to be sleepwalking and I feel lonely because it's like I'm the only one awake.
I'm angry because I feel all the pain and the sadness this world is giving me, because I once believed man (= human race) is born to do much greater things than what we're doing right now.

IN all in integrity and to make sure you don't get stuck in your healing process I'm going to stick this out there. I normally don't do this in public but 'public' isn't a good enough reason not to anymore because so many people are experiencing this. You may be angery now but you could be intiating a real transformation by publicly stating your experience.

You are angry over these things out there in the world. I see that and validate it. It is a valid anger.

.....but its not THE SOURCE of your anger. And that is what needs to be addressed to abate this.

The anger that is causing your physical symptoms. I would have to say if you did not have these things that distress you out in the world to be angry about you'd no longer be with us. It does serve to a certain extent to blow off some external steam.

These are things you are angry about are because you can't address the source anger and grief. You can't. You tried to discover it but as we say 'We can't see our own ****' we can only feel it. And sometimes people can't feel it at all. It takes two people to excavate this crap out which is why I'm responding the way I am. One to facilitate the process in you. One who can see it and help you to draw it out.

There's a an original source anger there in you. You don't know what it is on a complete conscious level. But you're responding to it and so is your body. What you see out in the world that gives you grief and anger is a reflection of something that has been going on inside you for a long time, and its been invalidated and it hasn't been expressed. The symptoms you are expressing tell me everything. You have buried grief and anger. The reflux is just bodies way of attempting to purge it , like a toxin. Liver, gall bladder, BILE (expressive for anger) thats long term deep rooted anger and grief. The anger is formed by grief. You were denied something somewhere along the line and you're grieving over it way down there. That anger is inner child anger. Anger over what you are denied. What we are angry about is never about what is going on in the now, its a symptom of the past. We see patterns of our own experience everywhere and react to it.

everyone is so occupied with their own little lives that there is no 'great potential' left, no creativity, no real unconditional love, no empathy. And so on...


Lack or denial of any of these things in early life, at any time of our lif,e is what most people don't realize it is. It's neglect. Its a form of covert abuse.

Without getting too personal. At some point in your life, this life, (perhaps before too) you were denied these things. Someone was too preoccupied to validate your existence. The potential within you was denied invalidated, your creativity was denied, and you were not given empathy. And when you see it out there today that part of you responds to it. It may still be going on in side of you now. It would have to be if you are responding to the outside world with the physical symptoms you have described.

But it can be fixed.

I'd be getting too personal if I continued on. Feel free to PM me if you wish to explore this further.

huggles,

Chelley

[cloud9]

Hi Inana,
first, I just want to say that while you work with your anger, please consider some remedies for your problem. There are threads here in the forum about two very popular an efective remedies: apple cidar vinegar with moder and sodium bicarbonate or baking soda. I would say those are the cheapest and effective, drink the combination of the two in a glass of water, one by one with water or even combined with something else as a glass of water, 1 tablespoon of vinegar and 1 teaspoon of honey and or it several times a day or even dissolved in a bottle of water and drink it through the day.
There's a web site that I use a lot: earthclinic.com , in this site regular people give testimony about how they have used different remedies, how often, what amount, etc., and results. You'll be surprised how these two remedies help and cure many ailments. By the way, the vinegar has to be with mother, I use brand name Bragg.
I wish you the best.