Help Needed: I seek advice from people I highly regard (you)

[Phoenix]

I've gone over these posts so many times and I'm still torn. I'm at the point where I'd be paying my way without any loans, and its do-able, I just know it will enrage my family and I risk losing them for this selfish journey.. I must make a decision by this afternoon.... any last words??????????????

[nearing]

Posted by Phoenix (here)
I've gone over these posts so many times and I'm still torn. I'm at the point where I'd be paying my way without any loans, and its do-able, I just know it will enrage my family and I risk losing them for this selfish journey.. I must make a decision by this afternoon.... any last words??????????????

Phoenix, this is your life. Your family members all have theirs, that they can do whatever they choose with. If they love you, they will get over their selfishness and let you live YOUR life so you won't become embittered and resentful later.

[QueenKat]

Don't do it. Families remember these things forever! Go when you've graduated and are on your own.

[Phoenix]

Thanks, everyone. I've chosen to go after I graduate. This whole thought process has taught me a lot, and it made me realize that I was being impatient and selfish - I can go after I graduate, fulfilling the promises I made to the fam, and still have enough time to get out to the world on my own dime only. That = having my cake and eating it too!

I won't ever stop following my passion or making my dreams reality, as long as I don't tread on the dreams and passions of others.

-Phoenix

[ktlight]

Posted by Phoenix (here)
I've gone over these posts so many times and I'm still torn. I'm at the point where I'd be paying my way without any loans, and its do-able, I just know it will enrage my family and I risk losing them for this selfish journey.. I must make a decision by this afternoon.... any last words??????????????

Parents wish to retain control. It's part of the indoctrination process to do as you are told!! They will always love you, no matter what. So if you are driven to do what you want to do, DO IT. You can never live in their skin. Hope you understand.

[nearing]

Parents that are that controlling usually expect the child who graduates from college to get out there and find a job asap. It never ends until YOU change the pattern.

It's not as if college won't be there waiting for you to finish later, but you can never get back your youth.

Just saying.

(I say this as a parent of a early 20's child and the child of controlling parents)

[Gone002]

When people are told the truth they will not listen, through your actions and good will you can help change them. You have been given a moment of clarity, do what you have to do. in time they will see, Life is for living.

[Anchor]

-- update - I see you made the call --


For what it is worth, I didnt finish my degree and it P.O'd my Dad at the time.

We both learned.

He still loves me

(I think - LOL)

[Sierra]

Phoenix,

Good job! Finish the degree and then spread your free and clear wings! Kudos, kudos, and MORE kudos on the no debt decision.

<sticking Phoenix's cake in the freezer for graduation ...>

Sierra

[Phoenix]

Thanks everyone!

[Phil]

Can I just say this to you Phoenix, Sometimes there are question we ask of others that, others simply cant answer for you, these questions, are a part of you, that you will find, that will always be a part of you, and this I feel is one of those questions. you have to remember you are an individual, and your road is long, you have many lessons to learn, and many roads to travel.

Your road is JUST STARTING, YOU HAVE TO find the way ahead.
I hope this helps you.

[Flash]

Posted by Phoenix (here)
Thanks everyone!

Congratulation Phoenix, for the decision you took or rather because you took one and for the process you decided to go through truthfully within yourself as well as with other. This is real signs of maturity and also it gives a better chance to succeed.

I had seen your situation in two very different points of view:

The child who really wishes, sometimes selfishly, to accomplish his desire thinking that this is his path, whatever his family thinks or sees, which is a way to develop ones own ways. You may perceive your family as selfish or closed minded, which may or may not be true, however, the important thing is that you decide for yourself and are actingt by yourself for further growth.

What was bothering me was that with your situation and point of view is that, as an adult, you were counting on your parents to do it for you, to get into your desires. I am happy that now you count on yourself.

I had also seen it from a parent point of view: they surely love you otherwise you would barely be finishing high school, you already has roof, food, and love in your life. YOur parents may not be that wealthy and may want to profit a bit in life, thinking it is their turn after having given quite a lot to their children, which as such would be alright and justified.

But more than that: at some point, parents have to push the kid out of the nest to make sure he flies on his own, as a responsible and giving adult. It may also be what they have been doing, out of total love for you. At one point, the children have to stop relying on their parents and this your parents managed to do, I congratulate them as well to have had this courage and at the risk of you turning against them, this is true love, sometimes as well called tough love.

I personnally do not see it as them wanting to keep control over you but rather the contrary, as see it as them wanting you to fly by your own when it is about your own desires.. One thing for sure, I would have reacted and done the same with my daughter, even if she would have been really angry, because I have seen too many kids staying untill their thirties, not able to take independant decision. I would not want my beloved one to get into those same traps.

Congratulation for your decision, may life be good to you and love surrounding you in your endeavors.

[Terra]

Hey Phoenix,
Reckon you have made the right decision, good for you bud. You will find when you leave home that things can change at the drop of the hat, one moment your staring down into the abyss without a hope, next thing you are on top of the world, just keep the faith. Regarding your folks, keep on your own path and they will start to wake up bit by bit, it will take time just persevere.
As Sierra has said already, kudos to you my friend.
Best wishes,
Terra.

[Armen]

Phoenix,

You do it with the power of reason. You build a solid case that is irrefutable. I have walked through that door myself with my family. If you want to know more about how to do that, I would love to help you build that case. It is my forte...

Send me a PM if you're interested...I'm serious!

[ceetee9]

Posted by Phoenix (here)
I've gone over these posts so many times and I'm still torn. I'm at the point where I'd be paying my way without any loans, and its do-able, I just know it will enrage my family and I risk losing them for this selfish journey.. I must make a decision by this afternoon.... any last words??????????????

It is not a selfish journey if you know in your heart it is what you need to do. In fact, it is selfish on your family's part if they want you to live their dream and not your own, IMO.

[Ernie Nemeth]

Do what feels right to you. You are not living your family's expectations for your life - you are living yours. It is your life - you have to live with it.

I've found that the best way to get what you want is not to ask, but to tell. If you ask your boss if you can leave early, then he has a choice. If you tell him you are leaving he has none.

Families will strangle you if you give em enough rope to do it with - and all with good intentions, of course.

Keep your sovereign authority intact. Ask for suggestions, out of respect, but make your own decision.

Travel around the world? While you're young and free? Go for it! That's what I say. It took me over two years to convince my daughter to go travel. The career will wait. And in your case the travelling will be part of your resume. A no brainer, for one on the outside looking in that is.

Keep your dreams alive!

Peace

[Deedee]

Posted by Phoenix (here)
Dear All,

I seek words of wisdom from the great people that you all are. I’ll be succinct.

I’m a passionate undergraduate engineering student approaching my senior year at my university. My life goal is to positively influence as many people in the world that I possibly can.

My issue: I want to diverge from the pretty paved road, and take the dive into uncharted waters. I want to study abroad on a program that goes around the world in and gives a taste of several very different countries. But, being a full time student, I would pay for a large chunk of the program with my private student loan - which my parents sign. My parents are so out of touch and live the average American sheep roles. It breaks my heart to see them and my family as a whole so blind and close-minded… I can’t get this part of the puzzle unless I make them see that the co-sign is worth it..

I know this part of my life will be so rewarding and amazing that it will only bring me closer to my goals.

My question: How do I show the people that are closest to me that I must and I will spread my wings and do what I think is best for me, not what anyone else thinks is best for me? Is it possible to do this without totally losing their respect and love?

-Phoenix

EDIT: To clarify, I pay for every cent of my education, loans and all.

This is such a difficult question to answer because there are so many factors involved here such as... Which countries will you visit? Are these considered "safe" per your parents belief systems? Do you have an actual agenda or game plan laid out to show your parents the path you choose to take in the last year of your studies. Doing your homework first usually will assist in showing your parents you are mature with a game plan to study the last year abroad... What are the consequences of your parents signing with you? Does this make them responsible for the debt should you somehow not be able to follow through? I know the grass sounds greener on the other side but when you attach yourself to the potential livelihood of your parents "financially"... then they look at the potential consequences involved for them.. It's not all cut and dry here.. What if you fall in Love and get a girl pregnant and decide to marry her and stay there and your studies wane.. I know I know these are all "what if's".. but your parents could potentially have these same thoughts going through their mind. The family dynamics between you and your parents are not something we are privvy to here at Avalon. The only advice I can give is if you have such a desire to venture out there and if it is meant to be then it will somehow fall into place for you. Good luck.