My needs vs. Your needs vs. Our needs

[CivilDawn]

Hello everyone, this is my first thread so wanted to make it about something that is currently taking up a lot of my focus in order to open up a potential discussion about compassion and moving on from a relationship that just isn't working.

I will give a brief synopsis and spare you all the sappy details. Basically, for the past six months after ending a four year relationship with a girl I have strong feelings for, I have tried to find a way to gain some healing room while fostering the growth of a non-romantic friendship. That hasn't worked very well bc romantic emotions keep surfacing when we hang out blah blah blah. So now that we have both realized that we need space and we're committed to it, she winds up in the hospital due to all her recurring health problems.

So I've been kickin around all these questions. Do I postpone giving myself the space to heal and the solitude that I truly need in order to be compassionate to her circumstance, especially when she has no one else? Do I need to communicate to her that she needs to be okay with being alone? Do I have the right to tell her that she needs to be okay with being alone?

I feel like a lot of times we all may struggle between being compassionate to the needs of others but still find trouble in meeting our own personal needs. What is the balance between altruism and selfishness(not the negative egoic selfishness but the kind of focus that directs self growth)?

In an effort to make this thread not about me and my deal, I encourage dialogue about the root of these questions. What happens when we really need something for ourselves but we are being tugged in a different direction that may require our compassionate intervention? It could even go as far as What is the healthy balance between separation and oneness (while, of course, still aware of our innate oneness)?

Peace and Light
Justin

[shadowstalker]

I have nothing to really add to this except to say that I have gone thru the same issues of that kind of balance.

[BMJ]

Hi Civildawn,
To the point, take this as advice, what does your heart tell you to do? Not your mind, what does your heart tell you to do.

I feel your gut instinct your feeling about this matter will guide you as what is best to do.

All the best Boris.

P.S. On a personal note I had similiar experience with my best friend of the last 12 years. We broke up after a 4 year relationship, and for the first two years of our friendship it was very hard, but we stuck with it and the relationship evolved into the best friendship I have every had.

[Carmen]

CilvilDawn, at some point in a relationship/friendship we come to realize that our own growth comes first. Also, there comes a point where propping up someone else because they are dependent (have no-one else) is actually keeping them dependent. The kindest action in that regard is to leave. They will never take responsibility while you are always responsible for them.

Put on your own seat belt first, then you can be of real help to people.

[CivilDawn]

Posted by Carmen (here)
CilvilDawn, at some point in a relationship/friendship we come to realize that our own growth comes first. Also, there comes a point where propping up someone else because they are dependent (have no-one else) is actually keeping them dependent. The kindest action in that regard is to leave. They will never take responsibility while you are always responsible for them.

Put on your own seat belt first, then you can be of real help to people.

You know, I think I have been feeling this all along, like a crutch of positive energy. I suppose the next step is to find the courage and the manner in which to initiate this independence.

[BMJ]

Posted by CivilDawn (here)
You know, I think I have been feeling this all along, like a crutch of positive energy. I suppose the next step is to find the courage and the manner in which to initiate this independence.

With kindness and honesty.

[Orph]

I am in a similar situation now with my ex.. I have very strong feelings for her too, so I keep on helping her out. The problem I'm finding out now is that it never stops. The more I give, the more she takes. I'm definitely being played. I'm not at all saying your friend is playing you. But the advice given by Carmen in the above post is spot on. She won't find her own light and strength as long as she can keep taking yours.

[Anchor]

You've had some fantastic advice.

Your heart is the best guide for the path out of any kind of trap involving co-dependency.

If co-dependency is to be broken, one side or the other will do so.

Avoiding the associated trauma completely is likely to be close to impossible, the job is to minimize it.

You already worked out what to do.

The devil is in the detail.

You asked some direct questions:

Posted by CivilDawn (here)
Do I postpone giving myself the space to heal and the solitude that I truly need in order to be compassionate to her circumstance, especially when she has no one else?

Qui-bono ?

Posted by CivilDawn (here)
Do I need to communicate to her that she needs to be okay with being alone?

No.

Posted by CivilDawn (here)
Do I have the right to tell her that she needs to be okay with being alone?

I don't think you do.

You can always answer questions that she may ask - tricky for you to remain objective though.

If I may add:

Everything happens for a reason.
Every moment that passes we can learn from.
Forgiveness is an essential part of healing.

John..

[Ria]

Hmmmm, if you are dealing with elderly, the young, or infirm or disabled, you take the role of service. I have felt duty bound and responsible to family, almost to the extinction of self.
Decide on your perimeters, cut off completely, or half a day, a week/month. let it be known this is the only time you will spare.

[enfoldedblue]

Hi CivilDawn

What I'm going to say largely just supports what has already been said. I believe that in our hearts we are all connected, so if you truly follow what your heart tells you, you will be doing what is in the highest good for all involved (even though at times this might be hard to see). In my experience self-sacrifice for another usually ends up feeding the saviour/victim dynamic which ultimately does no one any good. We all have our own journeys...no one else can be responsible for another's.

I get that you sense that you feel you should not be telling her what her needs are...and I agree. But you do have every right to communicate what your needs are.

Making sure that our own needs are met is not selfish...it is healthy. I believe that it is only when we are in a healthy space that we can truly reach out and help others in positive way.


Blessings to you

LOVE ALLways, c

[jagman]

If you have not quite made up your mind.

http://youtu.be/n8CaC4RMwsM

[BMJ]

Posted by Anchor (here)
If I may add:

Everything happens for a reason.
Every moment that passes we can learn from.
Forgiveness is an essential part of healing.

John..

Thank you John these words are golden.

[Star1111]

Dear Civildawn - sometimes by helping people you can assist them in coming OFF their life plan/journey.
The plan that they agreed to take before they reincarnated on Earth.
So be careful that you don't influence to any great extent, or DO IT for them vs. getting them to DO IT (whatever IT is) for themselves.
Guide, be sympathetic, LISTEN, care, love ............... then allow them to continue on their agreed journey.
Peace and LOVE to you, and you are a kind soul for caring about another human being so much.

You can only do, what you can do, with what you have at the time

[Lord Sidious]

Posted by jagman (here)
If you have not quite made up your mind.

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8CaC4RMwsM

There ya go jagmanugget.
Great, it's that little green communist again.

[CivilDawn]

Posted by enfoldedblue (here)
Hi CivilDawn

In my experience self-sacrifice for another usually ends up feeding the saviour/victim dynamic which ultimately does no one any good. We all have our own journeys...no one else can be responsible for another's.

Right, I totally agree. And the universe keeps handing me situations that allow me to play this savior role, growing in intensity with each new experience. When a person with a victim consciousness is so accustomed to having someone sedate them with positivity and comfort instead of finding strength within themselves to deal with their struggle, they are denying themselves the chance to gain wisdom from their experience. When a savior caters to this, they are releasing the "victim" of any responsibility for the reality they have created.

My wish is to help my friend to look inside herself and realize how powerful she truly is without getting sucked back into my habitual, hardwired savior mentality.

[Lord Sidious]

Posted by CivilDawn (here)

Posted by enfoldedblue (here)
Hi CivilDawn

In my experience self-sacrifice for another usually ends up feeding the saviour/victim dynamic which ultimately does no one any good. We all have our own journeys...no one else can be responsible for another's.

Right, I totally agree. And the universe keeps handing me situations that allow me to play this savior role, growing in intensity with each new experience. When a person with a victim consciousness is so accustomed to having someone sedate them with positivity and comfort instead of finding strength within themselves to deal with their struggle, they are denying themselves the chance to gain wisdom from their experience. When a savior caters to this, they are releasing the "victim" of any responsibility for the reality they have created.

My wish is to help my friend to look inside herself and realize how powerful she truly is without getting sucked back into my habitual, hardwired savior mentality.

Helping people to empower themselves is always the best way, but the hardest too, in most cases.
Good luck and best wishes to you.