A Moment of Weakness/Uncertainty

[Starry Knight]

Hey Avalon Peeps. Not sure how much if any of what I'm about to rant about will make any sense, but I haven't really felt like I had anywhere else to turn. I'm trying to be honest with myself in admitting that part of this is just whining, but I've also got many serious and relevant questions, the answers to which are either elusive, beyond my power to gain (since they could only come from the other party involved in this story) or I just don't know where to look for them. If there any answers to be had.

The whole episode seems so silly even to me in many ways, it will probably sound like an irrelevant personal anecdote that I shoulda kept to myself or like some almost Jerry Springer drama that I just need to get over. I know that I should be like...tougher than this, smarter, able to shrug it all off and move on. But I'm just having that moment of weakness stated in the title.

...so I've been working at the local bookstore in my town for a good 9 years. Up until 2008 I couldn't have been more "average". Funny how I can say that now, looking back with different awareness and perspective, and perceive even "average" as anything but. Anyway, my tipping point toward the esoteric, asking the bigger questions of life and trying to gain some kind of idea of who and what I was came after watching/listening to Ron Paul -a strange and pretty weak wake-up call compared to some I guess, and certainly I have a drastically different opinion of him and politics in general as of the last 4-5 years, but there it is, that was my catalyst.

Skipping ahead to August time-frame of last year, I was poised on a bizarre precipice. On the one hand, I was disillusioned, disenchanted, feeling cynical and ostracized, small and insignificant, ignorant and just plain...bewildered.

On the other hand, I had never been so galvanized, so aware of my awareness, so compelled to say better things, do better things...just generally BE something better than I had been. Within my head floated many a lofty concept, higher ideals, considerations of macro as opposed to micro, seeing the whole as nothing more than the sum of its parts...and so on. In the best way I knew how (which is to say, clumsily, most often) I began to be the change I wanted to see. Spoke up about what I had learned when I could, as patiently and eloquently as I could.

Yeah, pretty much hit brick walls.

But I persevered, because...there seemed little other choice. I believed in my new-found morality and general world-view like I had never believed (or cared about) anything, and, no matter my frustration, I felt the change coming over me becoming more deep-seated, more permanent the more I learned...reading, watching and listening.

Then (as so often these sort of stories go, I guess) along comes a lady. Here's where I begin to probably embarrass myself and/or give too much information. But there won't be proper perspective without it, methinks. I'm 29 and this co-worker was only 19-20. I'm single and am able to boast having had exactly one girl-friend in my entire life, having been sort of an awkward recluse who was content to chill with his SNES most of the time, upgrading through the years to Playstation and so on.

Suffice to say, Casanova Frankenstein, I was (and certainly still am) not.

However. My new perspectives afforded me what I believed was a keen insight into some of the problems this young lady was having, problems which I could hardly help but be aware of since she approached me one day at work while waiting to clock in, chatted me up for a few minutes and then...just sorta wouldn't go away. I had no idea at the time that it was just her nature, and found it strange that someone should willingly seek my company so often, given that I made no secret of my beliefs and often had a bit of a sour-puss face for my constant ruminating on weighty matters, which seemed to dissuade most from interacting me with outside of necessity.

Long story short, we became friendly (STRICTLY friendly, not sexual) and I slowly began to work in some higher concepts into our conversations, which had previously only been about mundane stuff, day-to-day drama. But as I think we all know, much of our daily worries are seeded in a corrupt soil, from which they endlessly spring, keeping us bogged down emotionally, financially, physically exhausted from running on the hamster wheel. Thus I sought to give her some possible insight into why her life might have been so chaotic. I was not trying to insist to her that I had all the answers, or that she would have some revelation similar to mine, only offering a new perspective. She wasn't really feeling it, no matter what I said or did.

Which brings me to the point, which really has less to do with her and more about me discovering, through my interaction with her, a level of empathy, caring and...just an ability to think and work on someone else's behalf. Being so newly re-enchanted with the world, I saw light behind people's eyes, knew them as more than their names and job and age, people began to seem...almost spooky to me, like ghosts walking around, energy in solid form. I was very aware of OTHER awareness looking back at me through another person's eyes. I just generally had I new appreciation for people.

It was about this time that I discovered Zeitgest. The original movie was enough to give one pause, to be sure...but it was actually Addendum and Moving Forward that shook me to my core. I'm a wanna be sci-fantasy writer, and the concept of a cashless society, presented so rationally, based on such a fantastic vision of humanity and morality and all that cheesy brotherhood stuff...I was just floored, because the main character of my story comes from such a society.

It was an idea that I had from years back, way before I even had what I guess I can tentatively call my "awakening". It was a concept that I knew even then (surely?) had some merit, and to suddenly have it related to me, alongside such other profound insights into reality...

I just couldn't take it anymore. About a week later, disgusted anew with what I had to endure in that retail store from 9-5, I walked out. Just left, offering only an apologetic note for my abrupt exit. But (and I don't know if swearing is ok here) but I suddenly saw, REALLY saw, what complete bull**** our economic system is. I really comprehended what short-sighted, philosophical nit-wits we have been, for so long now. I wasn't afraid of having no job. I would make do, I figured.

Sorry this has been so long, but I now come to the main theme of this rant. Where this first young lady was concerned, I was having even more of an emotional crisis. She, her boyfriend and myself hung out pretty often prior to my watching Addendum and Moving Forward, and, even though she was young, I had developed a strong affection for her, having put so much mental effort forward on her part, and often physical; giving her rides to/from work when she didn't have one, loaning her a little money when she was careless and her bank account went negative, that sort of thing. All this and more I did to try and boost her previously low sense of self-worth, inflicted upon her from past, abusive relationships. She had, apparently, been suicidal.

In fact, in recent weeks I have been quite dumbfounded and disturbed by the number of people, all in the SAME work environment, who have confessed having had suicidal tendencies, for one reason or another.

Anyway, being around this young lady and her guy (who is really an awesome guy fully and wholly deserving of being happy with a great girl) began to inspire feelings of great envy within me. Bordering on, and perhaps even crossing the line of jealousy. I hesitate even now to sort of toot my own horn, but over the course of my interaction with this young lady, I began to have an idea of how much I had to offer a potential companion, not just in a romantic way, but just as a friend. I began to wonder the hell I had been doing with myself for almost 30 years, what was it about me that had not attracted or enticed anyone, had I been so empty, so lame, so boring, not cute enough?

Petty concerns, superficial worries, perhaps, but...I'm only human, whatever that means these days. I'm just a guy, and I was very keenly aware of the fact that I was alone, with hardly an ear to burn, let alone a cute set of lips to smooch or a warm body to snuggle with.

So...enter lady #2, yet another co-worker. This lady was older than the first young lady, 27. I do have some...philosophical questions these days about what sort difference age really means, so long as the gap isn't TOO dramatic, but all that aside, by default this second woman was more (potentially) available, I thought. Having said all that though, I should stress that I tried to keep my romantic concerns as secondary through all this, finding the Message, so to speak, to be far more important. A romance as a side dish/bonus would have been nice, but it wasn't my top priority.

Some time before I "snapped" and left, many people had noticed something different about me, it showed in my face I guess, and they constantly prodded me, "Hey man what's wrong, wanna talk?" A fair amount of experience in attempting to reach young and old, male and female, told me at this point that my chances of finding a sympathetic ear were slim to nil, so I politely turned aside their queries and suffered quietly. But this second lady I mentioned, she was different. Or so I thought. One day while we had a moment of quiet and solitude, I asked her the "What do you think it's all for?" question, and she gave her answer, mentioning how she had read a book on Existentialism. It was a refreshing conversation and I thought that here might be someone I could actually have a dialogue with about something other than beer farts, Street Fighter and whether Twilight was a good vampire series.

After much hesitation, and still feeling anxious about putting myself on the line, knowing how emotionally fragile I was, I took a chance and approached her, wanting to know if she had some free time to chat one day. I wanted a woman's opinion on some different things, I told her, thinking that she could gimme some insight into how to deal with the situation regarding the first young lady, whom I was not speaking to at the time due to a mis-understanding/falling out we had, after I tried and failed to get her to sympathize with the stormy waters of feeling and thought I was navigating. This older lady (I'll just call her 27) and I exchanged numbers, and I thought that I had made a connection. 27 and I have been at that store for three or four years now, we haven't really been buddy buddy but she said many times how she respected and often sought out my opinion, and we just generally had a familiarity bred of the work-place shennanigans. Of course, I wasn't going to just keep laying on her heavy questions, I fully intended to really get to know her, ask what her family was like, where she was from, did she ever scrape her knees when riding a bike as a little girl...that sort of thing.

...things don't always turn out how you hope/expect.

Michael Tsarion has been a big influence on me over the past few years, and I lent 27 my copy of Architects of Control, thinking that she could not only handle the content but also give me some great feedback, even if only to tell me why might think it was all crazy. This was while I was still out of work. I came up to the store on my own time and sought out her specifically to touch base with her and see about that talk we were supposed to have. She consistently blew me off. Either she was busy moving, her phone was dead, she didn't have a dvd player at the moment with which to watch the movie, her car had been hit and needed repair...something always seemed to be in the way of us hooking up.

Ok, ok...I thought. She doesn't really know me and I don't really know her. She has a life going on that I shouldn't expect her to drop on a dime, even though she had to suspect that I was going through some kind of crisis if I left my job and then came outta my shell to reach out to another human being. I let it slide.

Weeks went by. And more weeks. A month, two. In the interim, I finished my book and felt satisfied that I had at least accomplished SOMETHING that MIGHT be worthwhile, so I went job hunting. As luck would have it, the book store's manager had been so eager to have me come back that I didn't need to worry, they just picked me right back up as if nothing had happened, so valuable an asset had they all at the store perceived me.

During all this time, I heard not a peep from 27. Not a text, not a call, she didn't approach me at the store and let me know she hadn't forgotten about me...nothing. The most I got was her emphatic "hi!" whenever she passed by. I was a little put off even then, but I reciprocated politely.

I hadn't ceased my reading etc during this time. Another book here, re-watched Kymatica there, found another interview with Jordan Maxwell, got turned onto The Cove documentary. Just generally furthering my awareness of what the hell was going on around me.

Then I saw Conspiracy of Silence, featuring John DeCamp and that whole child pedophile ring. The PROTECTED child pedophile ring.

I became disillusioned with people again. Suddenly, people robotically spitting out "hi" every two seconds disgusted me, given that no one was doing a damn thing to resolve this issue...very certainly one issue among many which very likley had much to do with PRODUCING individuals so emotionally distorted and mentally arrested that they BECOME the next generation of pedophiles or suicides, school shooters or testosterone addled, only-want-to-get-into-your-pants, douche-bag boyfriends/husbands or the next set of emotionally crippled, jaded, teen-baby-having, gold-digging girlfriends/wives.

...so, 27 kept on saying hi to me. She had left me hanging on several occasions, with not even an explanation.

I stopped saying "hi" to her. I felt that I had misjudged her, that her "hi" rang as empty as all the others. I fully recognize that this might have been an extreme stance to take, but I should make it clear that I was very frustrated at this time in general, just a few weeks ago, being at another point where I was reflecting on still more failed attempts to find any connection, somewhere and somehow to express myself among like-minded people.

But then she had the nerve to get upset with me for not returning her hi's! I let this go too, and reminded her that I tried to touch base with her many times about many issues. I could have fully elucidated my position, bringing her to understand why I was temporarily not so keen on "hi". She didn't need to agree with me...just understand. But she gave me no opportunity to voice my thoughts. Clearly, I could not have summarized 5 years of reexamining myself and the world into a ten minute, easily digestible sound-byte.

Of a sudden, out of the blue, she relates to me that she is a "private person", she doesn't like to talk/text much or hang out with people she doesn't know.

Ok...so why didn't she make that clear much, much earlier on? Why did she constantly poke and prod me, making seem like she very much wanted to know what was on my mind? Why did she have this persona at work that was so bubbly and extroverted, yet she says that her "real" personality was to be very reserved? Did she not see the mixed sigals she would possibly send? Did she not understand how I had become frustrated by her saying one thing and doing the opposite? I'm not a mind-reader; how was I supposed to know? She constantly reminded me that I didn't understand her...yet she would not talk to me, through any medium, to HELP me to understand!

Needless to say, I was at a loss with 27. I prefer to clear up mis-understandings whenever I can, and certainly I had good motivation to do so given that I have to work with this woman. And so, feeling that I had no recourse, within the last three or four days I wrote her a letter, some ten pages trying to explain that I didn't hate and was not mad at her, but that she had HURT MY FEELINGS, repeatedly, and had hardly even apologized. Sure, I understood that she was a busy person, I understood (much too late!) that she was a private person. But did that justify her getting upset and offended that I no longer returned her "hi"? Did she not see how UNFAIR it was that I had put myself at risk, having been given the impression and sincerely believing that she was an intelligent woman who had some caring for another human being who was going through a bit of a crisis, meanwhile she blows me off and gives no recognition to the fact that I made repeated attempts just go gain CLOSURE?

Avalon community, there are a few more nuances to this whole story, but I think i've bored you long enough with the main details, and I know all this must seem out of place here, and petty. I just...wanted to know if anyone sees where I went wrong here? I have come to care so much, I see so much of what's happening and believe that I have some reckoning of the causal mechanisms, and all I have wanted to do is get a moment of people's time, to plant a seed here and a seed there. The irony of my perspective is that, even though 27 did throw me a bone and then jerk it away, so to speak, I still believe that she, EVEN in her callousness/shortsightedness, is worth it, like most everyone else I encounter, even if they are jackasses. Wasn't it only like 3-6% of the population that rose up to fight the British, don't most revolutions come about for the effort/sacrifice of the minority rather than the majority, on BEHALF of the majority? I believe that the minorities have gone to such lengths, sacrificed so much, because they believe the masses are worth it.

I have heard such profound messages of love, understood such messages of unity from such earnest people that I feel like I can do no less than follow their example in my own lame fashion, with the limited reach and knowledge that I have.

Here's the clincher with this business with 27! I've discovered that she is a Capricorn, born January 14, 1985, and apparently such individuals are indeed very private, to the point of seeming aloof and standoffish! Myself being a Virgo, it seems that such a disconnect and failure to communicate between us was almost guaranteed!

If all that stuff is true, has any merit whatsoever, then the terrible irony is that, despite her claims, I DO understand her!

I'm just asking if anyone thinks I've gone overboard in having been made so distraught over this? I don't know much about the whole idea of past lives, dharma and karma and guides, putting obstacles in one's path to overcome for self growth, ego-transcendence...I just don't know. Is it ok that I am so upset since I was at yet another crossroads, am I supposed to try and find it in myself to forgive and try to understand her better, or am I to just let this go and press on? My letter was only explanatory and actually complimentary in the best way I knew how to make it, yet when she FINALLY chose to text me in the last evening...it was only to tell me that she was INSULTED by what I had to say! By her reckoning, I'm a narcissist, I got too emotional about something that wasn't a big deal.

That really hurt.

Michael Tsarion has elucidated a concept called the "Outsider," and I have come to identify with this idea very much, in that I bleed for my fellow human beings, seeing their hurt, seeing their frustration, understanding their quirks and faults and foibles to a certain degree and wanting to HELP even if just lending an ear, but he warned clearly about developing a healthy sense of detachment from all this...lest one become just as distraught as I am now. I just don't know left from right these days, I'm trying not to dwell on this ONE incident with this ONE woman, but I do admit that she's very attractive. I'm JUST A GUY, I had entertained some romantic notions, just hoping... Perhaps that's why this is such a downer, her apparent less than mutual attraction and preparedness to just end any relationship we could have had before even had a chance to begin...all because of a mis-understanding.

Was I not treated unfairly? Did I not make myself available to hear her side of things at multiple junctures, only to have her turn away from any attempt to illuminate me? Did she not come to me first, wanting to hear what was troubling me and then show callous disregard and react in a most immature fashion by getting upset that I had decided not to talk to her?

...if I'm just being a boob and a baby about all this, it's ok to tell me. I feel like I've grown and matured so much over such a short time...but clearly I have a ways to go yet. I have this VOICE now, and I like it...but it's also a curse. What am I to do with it, how do I reconcile my feeling of being a sane person amidst a sea un-sane people? Is it...bad to feel SUPERIOR to people in some ways, spiritually? Is is it not OK to acknowledge when someone is WRONG? For example, if someone was trying to do construction with math based around 2+2 = 5, obviously their building would be all screwy. If someone was preparing medical doses based on faulty math and people started DYING as a result, would it not be proper and even incumbent upon one to tell them that they are WRONG, not as a critique of their person or intelligence but as simple observation of an objective, indisputable fact?

Obviously, people are more complex than this and...I guess at times it is just necessary to let people fall, if they are gonna fall. But how do you protect yourself from hurt/sadness at watching them plummet? I'm asking much of this rhetorically, having some notion as to the answer, but I am interested in other views.

[gripreaper]

Geez, don't quite know where to start, but a few things come to mind. You're a great writer. Would be interested in what else you have written, and oh, welcome to Avalon.

Secondly, there is an almost unwritten rule that co-workers are not to be mixed with your social life or your love life. Having said that, I think a great Filet Mignon steak, with some potatoes and gravy, and steamed vegetables and getting laid would fix most of what ails you.
I say this tongue in cheek, because your celestial chakras are wide open, but your terrestrial chakras need a good rub down. Maybe just go get a massage?

[NancyV]

I think it takes many years of relationships with women to figure out that you can't figure women out and you most DEFINITELY can't expect them to be fair. It sounds to me like you're about ready to be in love since you're now awakening your passion and compassion. It's a rocky road but it's well worth pursuing. Each woman that you "try out" or consider is one less that won't work out. Don't give up. I'm sure there is someone out there who will adore you for being you.

I have found that one of the best ways to not get overly hurt is to stop with the expectations of how others should act or react. We can't expect others to care, to have compassion, to understand us, to have the same values we have. But it's okay to be hurt because it's basically an emotional body reaction which is normal. It doesn't make us less of a powerful spiritual being to be hurt, angry, envious, etc. especially since you are seeing that you're feeling these things and questioning if it's okay. Then you can laugh and let them go because you are still human and no matter how much understanding you gain of this world and your spiritual nature you will still be affected by your animal/body instincts and needs at times. Eventually you really won't care what anyone else thinks of you or how they react to you. You will be happy being you. I reached that state many decades ago. I've been married 4 times and it took me until I was 48 to find my soul mate. But it was all great fun and I wouldn't change any of it.

My son is 32 and you sound a lot like him. He's lucky (and I'm lucky) that I'm his best and maybe only friend, so I get all the phone calls whenever he is questioning how he's feeling or what he's doing. He is married with a 5 year old son but relationships are always a major challenge. Letting others be hurt without feeling the need to take care of them is also a major challenge that I'm only now conquering at almost 65 years old. I think those of us who are compassionate constantly want to care-take everyone we come into contact with. It takes a long time to realize that you must take care of yourself first and though you can love or care about others, you can't deprive them of their lessons/circumstances in life.

There is also nothing wrong with realizing that the huge percentage of humans are not spiritually aware and are pretty much insane. It's normal for your ego to feel "superior" and as long as you can just laugh at yourself for your ego being it's normal silly self you won't let those ego reactions control you. My best friend and I often laugh at how stupid everyone is and wonder how we can continue to relate to such insanity. If you don't laugh you could remain depressed, but there is really nothing you can do to change others. To remain sane you almost have to develop a sense of humor at what I call the "cosmic joke". The cosmic joke is our lives here on the earth plane.

Since you're here and you likely chose to be here you might as well relax, laugh at yourself, give yourself a break for your inevitable mistakes and ego crap and enjoy it as much as you can. Always forgive yourself, then you can forgive others. You are perfect the way you are and your progress will continue. It's a journey. The journey is the important thing not some elusive goal. When you f**k up and are upset because you're mean to someone, either apologize or don't apologize and let go of it. We are all A-holes many times in our lives. That's part of the fun of being human. I am married to a perfect A-hole and I adore him just the way he is. I'm sure you will find someone if you just feel the love within yourself because that's where it is. When you begin to radiate that love you will have women flocking to you. Love yourself in all your perfect imperfections and all else will naturally follow.

Nancy

[gooty64]

Starry Knight, that was a good read. The dating pool really shrinks when you become "awake and aware".

Maybe check out meet-up groups for like minded people. I am sure there is gal out there for a thoughtful guy like you.

[Mike]

i'll confess now starry that i have only skimmed your post, but nonetheless feel compelled to give you an "E" for effort ( i'm in a public library at the moment, and alotted time is about to expire. you've put in some real effort here and i'll certainly read it later this evening in its entirety)

but from what i've gathered, i am fully prepared to co-sign on Gripreaper's suggestions. i wholeheartedly endorse the getting laid part, but let me humbly suggest a 6 pack of guinness as well. oh, and a good cigar.

p.s. thanks for the laugh 'Reaper

[gripreaper]

Posted by Chinaski (here)
i'll confess now starry that i have only skimmed your post, but nonetheless feel compelled to give you an "E" for effort ( i'm in a public library at the moment, and alotted time is about to expire. you've put in some real effort here and i'll certainly read it later this evening in its entirety)

but from what i've gathered, i am fully prepared to co-sign on Gripreaper's suggestions. i wholeheartedly endorse the getting laid part, but let me humbly suggest a 6 pack of guinness as well. oh, and a good cigar.

p.s. thanks for the laugh 'Reaper

I wanted to drive home the point in a raw and almost irreverent manner to make sure it landed. Nancy's response is more measured and compassionate and I totally agree with her.

As far as the libation which would work best in such a setting, we could debate that all night. I love a deep rich Red wine with mine, but no argument over a really good cigar to cap off the meal.

[000]

Starry Knight,

I read your whole post. Really well done. I feel you dude.

I concur with NancyV's response...

____________________________

A little random laughter can go a long way [I lose my sh*t to this over and over]:

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=xetdrQX9Xoo

Where I am now, a relationship will be something completely different than what most would consider a relationship. Early summer 2011, I thought I'd found love with a rather enchanting woman (again) but it faded. Found myself thinking of others again after a while. In the end you see that they were all necessary things to get you to where you are now. Perhaps you have more to go through, perhaps not, only the Universe and your future selves know for sure

Women are confounding and so are men. People are confounding as a whole but at their core they really just want to be happy. All I can say is you'll know beyond the shadow of a doubt when you meet a real good one, because it'll last a long time and you both won't have to 'try' to make it work, it will just work

[nearing]

Women and men have a difficult time coming together even without being awake and aware. You are analyzing much here and perhaps it's right that you do, but perhaps it isn't. I really think that 27 needs to hear a bit of what you have said here (not all of it, but give her the gist of the part that involves her). She has feelings for you that need to be spoken as well. It may be friendly feelings but it may be much more. Only she can tell you that.

Make it easy for her to tell you who she feels. Take her for a nice walk on a warm spring day for the for coffee. Put her at ease. Let her know that no matter what she says, you will think highly of her for speaking her truth.

You can then move forward from there. I wish you the best!!

[Anam Cara]

Hey Starry Knight , what a great read, you know how to write. I hope you share more with us. As to what you wrote I agree with Nancy's excellent suggestions and her wonderful sense of humor. You have given me much food for thought from a very well articulated male perspective and I thank you for that so that I am more aware in my dastardly daily dealings with guys.

[modwiz]

I might have something to say, but I would have to send you a bill. I do wish you the best. I like being alone, but that could be a case of familiarity breeding contempt. Actually, more like my hormones let me concentrate on other things now. What a relief.

[CdnSirian]

I ditto Nancy V and Modwiz.
Awareness is complicated right now. Men/women stuff is double complicated.

Keep writing/reading.

I hope she finds you. There are many "she's" out there stuck in what you're stuck in.

[Mike]

hi Starry, i've read the post in its entirety, as promised, and...

matters of the heart are almost never logical. you've done a noble job of trying to wring logic outta this, but it's just impossible, really.

no man reaches 30 without meeting one seemingly vulnerable, messed up woman he thinks can "save" --a woman who 9 times outta 10 just wants an ear to listen to her, or a nice guy to take advantage of. women like this will frequently state their desire for a "nice guy" , but would rather pierce their abdomen with a dull rusty spear than date one. (woman #1 in your post)

you probably shouldn't have discussed woman #1 while just getting to know #2, but that's really beside the point. here's the truth: woman #2 just wasn't into you. i don't care what her sign was or what it entails--if a woman is in to you, it doesn't matter how private or reclusive she is; she'll want to spend some time with you. sorry to be so blunt here, but i've spent the last 5mins trying to think of a polite way to arrange some words, and i just couldn't do it.

you sound like a sensitive guy, and i can relate to that. it's hard to put yourself out there when you know how easily wounded you can be. let me just suggest this: the next date you go on...leave out the shape-shifting reptiles and the aliens, ok? leave the conspiracy theories at home. as you start to spend more n more time together, you can slowly--and let me emphasize SLOWLY--introduce her to your unique world view.

good luck, mate.

[songsfortheotherkind]

In brief:

I am 18 years older than my life partner. I'm poly, zhe is not. I am bisexual, zhe is not. I'm currently exploring the possibility of connecting with another individual, zhe is happy to stay home and immerse in the computer/geekery realm. I like sex way more than zhe does, I love sleeping in snuggle piles, we do not expect/demand either of us to change our ways.

Thinking about 'fixing' people is a very large Bog that will almost always, without fail, suck you in, and those you are so generously 'reaching out' to fix almost always, without fail, utterly fail to appreciate efforts made with this intention. I find wondrous things happen when I focus on getting my *own* frequency clear and leave others to manage their own; I figure if someone wants my assistance, they'll indicate it one way or another.

[Sierra]

I think she got insulted when you stopped saying "Hi.". She may have been reaching out to you at that point, and that was why she explained to you that she was shy (unable to do anything MORE than say "Hi.".) And then she got insulted ... and probably worried because you were being inconsistent with her. Yes, I know, not fair, given what you've described.

When it is that difficult, I don't think the energy is right. But when one WANTS, then one can't SEE what is actually there ... which is a woman who constantly misunderstands and is offended when you tell her about you, and blows you off. Oh and gets insulted if you haven't paid her the proper "Hi."s? She has got some expectations not being met, doesn't she?

Oof, and now you are working together? Try to be friendly, not friends, just friendly and as charming as possible at work... "Hi." and all. And blow her off for the rest.

Who needs to hurt? But if you can't stop hurting, then be laid back. If she makes a conversational gambit, respond in kind, with the same level of energy, maybe with one extra sentence and smile, and then seriously back off, do not attempt to continue the exchange further or grow the relationship, go away and do paperwork, fix the back room, get on the phone, deal with a customer, unpack books, do something else. Keep doing that until it is quite clear to you what she wants by her own actions ... try to see what is actually there. Without hoping. Never hurts to be kind to people even when they don't give you what you want, because they might become important to you in some other way further down the timeline.

I'm with Chinaski, I don't think 27 is into you. But you can still practice perceiving what a woman looks and acts like, when she is not into you. This is knowledge that will save you a lot of energy in the long run.

I suspect you already know, but don't want to know. You know the 20 year old didn't hear you, despite your caring and compassion. The needy will never hear you, they just want you to give them what they want. Sugar Daddy. You know the 27 year old consistently blew you off. But your desire kept you wanting to make reality different, so all the questions and wondering and looping the recording when what you really want to know is, why not me? What is wrong with me? There is nothing wrong with you, you just barely started looking, and you have no idea yet, what you want, what you need, what you can do with a romantic relationship.

Just gotta learn this stuff is not personal on their part. Most people when they have to reject someone's advances (if they are not abusive users), HATE it! Just hate it! They wish they could be there for you, would stick a rusty knife in their gut rather than hurt you (and that further screws up communication) and play stupid games simply to avoid telling the truth (moving, dead phone, no dvd player, car repair) ... and if it wasn't avoidance on her part, I'd pay attention to that kind of interference from the universe anyway. Seriously. And yes, a ten page letter was way too much. Ten page letters come when two people are madly in love and WANT to know every little tiny detail lol.

Yeah, what Michael says about detachment is right on. Consider detachment a pair of glasses to use to examine people ...

This is twitchy and volatile material to be working with. Not easy. Not easy understanding others, not easy understanding the self. I didn't meet my husband until I was 39, and he is 13 years younger than me. We've been married 24 years, and I still don't understand him! Understanding is overrated. Tolerance of differences, respect, and a relaxed attitude will take you a lot further. (And no, he wants nothing to do with Avalon, spirituality, 2012, conspiracy ... none of it. As NancyV says, an azzhole, but he is my azzhole and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I receive joy and happiness with who he actually is.)

It really is a mystery. To this day, I do not understand why my contract (the one I made going into this incarnation) included marriage with David. Heh. Besides the obvious.



Well, my hunnybunny will be home shortly and will want his dinner. <trotting off to the kitchen>

Sierra

[Mulder]

Wow, what a post I can tell that writing it down was therapeutic for you! I don't want to act like an agony aunt and say all the old cliches like: "There's someone for everyone" - most people who don't look like Brad Pitt know this is a lie.

I actually believe the dating scene is totally unfair to men - even songs like "I don't need a man" encourage women not to date with anyone less than Brad Pitt. (I know men are unfair to women too, but since Starry Knight is male, I'm taking the men's view here). I saw an episode of "I shouldn't be alive" where an American M/F couple were lost in the forest & the woman said she'd marry the guy if they got out alive. Then she dumped him! This would have cut me to the bone! So in f*cked -up America, most relationships are just another way to use and hurt people as seen here in this show:

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=41_9_bPGOFg

The fact is I can't believe only these girls are the ones you can discuss "real issues" with, but you were interested in them, so their "rejections" were poignant to you. I think the answer is to come to a place where you're happy to be alone and not even want a relationship. However if this isn't possible & you can't be alone, go marry a foreign girl and live in her country - as only 8% of foreign wives brought to the USA are still married 3 years later (ie, most of them only wanted a green card, or have become like the local girls you've got nowhere with).

[sleepy]

xxxxx xxxxxx

[conk]

Can't offer any advice to top what already been said, but just know that we are empathetic and care.

[Nerge]

Starry Knight,

There's already been some great advice on this thread but some of my quick pointers - for what it's worth being (relatively) young myself.

1) Learn to be comfortable with who you are and realise you have much to offer.

Don't take it too personally if someone isn't that into you or doesn't respond in kind. People are just different and looking for many different things (at different times); they most likely just weren't right for you, but, the one who is will no doubt be busy working her way to you in the near future.

2) Awakening to what's really going on in the world can make you want to share this with everyone - including potential love interests!

As mentioned earlier in this thread, it's probably not a good idea to unload it all on them right away and blow their minds. Take it slowly and plant those seeds slowly too if you feel it's right - even if she disagrees with you, and looks at you funny, it doesn't matter; someone who's right for you will respect your views even if they don't agree with them, but again, take that one slowly. I find the subtle approach will always pay off more in the end rather than the blunt force trauma approach (); you'll be surprised at what people later come back to you with due to something you've subtely mentioned in the past.

3) Concentrate on trying to be happy in yourself; being yourself and being positive.

You'll be amazed at what and who comes your way when you do this, as what you radiate out is what you'll attract. Ever notice how much more attractive and nice someone suddenly appears to you when they're a very happy and friendly person?

Case in point; I remember working at some place as a teenager (usual supermarket/store type place) where there would be many girls around the same age - many very attractive looking in fact. The one who was the most interesting to me of all however was pretty but certainly not the 'hottest' there by any means.
But, she was always very friendly and happy - makes a huge difference in how people see you and how much you'll enjoy life and being in your own skin.

Summary: Be happy (as Bob would say), relax, stay positive and know the right one will come along in time - you'll then look back and wonder what all the fuss was about trust me.

Keep your chin up dude.

[Forevernyt]

Off the cuff and without reading many of the responses, I think you dove in head first too deep with her at the beginning, because you wanted a soul mate, someone to listen and sympathize with your feeling and view of the world. Women want to be romanced first. Just ask her out to dinner and a movie. No strings attached, no world agendas. Just a simple night of food and fun. Take her bowling, rollerskating, to a carnival.

Do something FUN. Then, when she gets to see you for who you are and not what you are, you'll have that sounding board to bounce your thoughts out on .

You have a huge influx of feeling, emotions and ideas/thoughts that you want to share, but meter it out.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about all the stuff I learn on here and elsewhere. How frustrating is that?

Just take it slow.

[Lettherebelight]

I don't normally read long posts....but you had me hooked, Starry Knight.

Don't worry about 27. Who knows what's around the corner? Life is a mystery, and it's a guarantee that we won't be where we think we will be ten years from now. We probably won't even think the same thoughts!

All the best to you..lots of good advice on this thread. I won't add to it...but definitely keep writing! And stay positive! Your story would make a great short movie. Reminds me of this one...

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao