Welcome to The Pub At the End of the Universe.

[Zebra]

I am very hungry too .. please count me in Calz, I would like to read this material by Lou Baldin. It will be a treat. Thanks Bob for opening this opportunity up as well.

[Borden]

Posted by CurtisW (here)

Posted by PurpleLama (here)
Sounds to me like the "Group" entitled "Pub Club" should indeed be formed, for a safe haven, troll free environment, where matters such as bob's q&a can be posted and discussed.

I like it....

Troll-free environments are a good thing.

It gets too tiring trying to have conversations with trolls scuffing around, grumbling, looking for gaps in the armor.

Just a little fence, maybe.

Something like this, would do...

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvcLGY7hwA8

Well that's no good, Curtis ... all you've got to do is sprint through like Atreyu did!

Besides, where's the fun if I'm not allowed to get angry with people once in a while?

[CurtisW]

Posted by Borden (here)

Posted by CurtisW (here)

Posted by PurpleLama (here)
Sounds to me like the "Group" entitled "Pub Club" should indeed be formed, for a safe haven, troll free environment, where matters such as bob's q&a can be posted and discussed.

I like it....

Troll-free environments are a good thing.

It gets too tiring trying to have conversations with trolls scuffing around, grumbling, looking for gaps in the armor.

Just a little fence, maybe.

Something like this, would do...

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvcLGY7hwA8

Well that's no good, Curtis ... all you've got to do is sprint through like Atreyu did!

Besides, where's the fun if I'm not allowed to get angry with people once in a while?

You make a strong point.

Besides which, Songsy is every bit as good a gatekeeper as the oracle when people get too far out of line....

And we have an assortment of Pic-Ninja Smurfs, Jedi, and wizards of various stripes to keep things in order should the need arise.

But sometimes it's good to have a reason to run...

Nothing like death dealing lasers shot from the eyes of a massive set of twin statues to get the blood flowing and keep a guy honest and on his toes....

[songsfortheotherkind]

Posted by CurtisW (here)

You make a strong point.

Besides which, Songsy is every bit as good a gatekeeper as the oracle when people get too far out of line....

And we have an assortment of Pic-Ninja Smurfs, Jedi, and wizards of various stripes to keep things in order should the need arise.

But sometimes it's good to have a reason to run...

Nothing like death dealing lasers shot from the eyes of a massive set of twin statues to get the blood flowing and keep a guy honest and on his toes....

*looks over at you, eyes very silvery*

actually, your PM to be about a disturbance in the force here has really put me in Oracle mode. I'm now on the hunt through these halls, ears pricked and all my search functions on, because you are right. I thought it was me, initially, processing through the fallout between my Self and Borden and the stuff that had come up from that, but it's not just that at all. I'm open to it being evolution- I definitely know there's evolution happening, I can feel it in my Self all the time- I'm just thinking there's something else here too.

Wonder what we'll come up with if we *all* turn our attention to it...

[songsfortheotherkind]

Posted by another bob (here)

Thank You, Brother! We're also going to be seeing Mazie's (my Mate's) doctor today, to get results from her recent ultrasound and bloodwork -- some potentially serious internal issues.

I hope that all is well for both of you.

I am having to work through some clang that I'm getting with regards the other stuff that you wrote and I wanted to be honest about the clang. I haven't replied to your original post to me yet and that will in part discuss my perspective *and* I would like to state briefly that this-

as long as we don't get stuck fixating identity in the cramped little vehicles of second-hand belief and limited self-images.

is starting to sound as fixated and limiting as anything else.

*thinks for a moment*

Actually, f*uck it, I'll talk about it now- I was thinking to go back to sleep, it's nearly 3am here and I woke up because I'm waiting for Borden to get home but it's a bit early for that. I'm going to go make tea, reheat my hot water bottle, get comfy and say what I want to say.

Ok, done.

Foundation ideas: this planet and reality is in quarantine. I knew it as a kid, plenty of others have said as much in variations. The rest of the multiverse *outside of the dimensions that play out that lower vibration* are separated from here for a reason. What is that reason? I know the answer to that as it has been presented to me and I have only gotten around to sharing it in tiny bits and pieces because I'm better at talking that history than writing it.

Here it is in as succinct a nutshell as I can put it: this planet was intentionally designed and created to operate as a multiversal gateway and platform, first of its kind. To do this needed the agreement of a Being that wished to experience consciousness as a planet of this kind and a Being capable and interested in that experience came forward. Few planets, in comparison to how many there are, are actually sentient to the degree that this one is, and no other planet has the capabilities in terms of being able to sustain so many different frequencies and signals- literally capable of supporting endless realities if one knows how to tap into that.

Just like everywhere else where innovation applies, certain crucial elements were overlooked, in this case the backdoor effect to lower dimensions. Not every one was foreseen. Sh!t happened, Beings arrived that didn't on the surface level belong here, but there was a much bigger game of evolution afoot for all the elements involved. Nothing is accidental on that level. Other Beings stepped into the picture and volunteered to help clean up the mess, not truly understanding what this was going to cost but willing to do it anyway.

A long time later... and here we are at the end of that particular chapter. No more iterations. No more messing about with stalling the progression, the evolution, because of the virus. The decision has been made, the division is creating itself naturally based on the signal that each individual is willing to carry and hold, the frequency is shifting and the automatic sifting that happens as a result of that is observably happening here in the consensus reality, which can no longer subdue the signal. All the programs the virus has created, including the avatar ones, are destabilising, because their signal does not belong in this rich, diverse, and rising frequency 'Verse. That sort of pattern is readily observable in the physical world- if an environment shifts and becomes more complex, with new elements that require a degree of flexibility and co-operative interplay the organism cannot rise to, the organism becomes extinct or finds a more suitable environment. It's move or become extinct time.

There are those who naturally carry that shift frequency. It's not fixation for me, personally, it's choice. I'm going to use the example of actors. A really, really good actor dances with dissociation and a form of insanity because they're constantly messing with their reality. Peter Sellers, for example, was never really sure who Peters Sellers was, and spent his whole life wandering through different realms, unable to really choose who Peter was. He experienced this inability as a form of hell. Montgomery Clift is another. Truly great actors shed their skin and become someone else- not pretend, because you can tell someone who is just pretending. It's like nearly all great actors eventually become charicatures of themselves, they play themselves playing someone else- Al Pacino has been like that for years now, Johnny Depp is on the tipping point of doing it- it's like there's a point in which the individual has to hold themselves to be able to drop the noise and become something else, while holding enough space to remember that this is something that they're playing with.

What I get from your recent messages is the idea that holding the space where one has become the creation is wrong, defective in some way. You may not be intending that message *and* the language that you're using suggests it, at least to me: 'the cramped little vehicles of second hand belief and limited self images' is not, in my energy at least, sui generis language, it's judgement. This is the thing that I'm turning and looking at with interested eyes, because what's been coming up for me in the conversations between you and I is my awareness that there seems to be a subtle, yet very real, form of judgement going on here.

I don't have a problem with what others choose to do. I fully own that I got jittery with the internal experience of being approached by a reality that I had only had clumsy and semi-successful experiences of keeping out of my space in the past and these past few days have resulted in an evolution that I am loving on many levels. I don't have a problem that any of it at all has happened, even the horrendous experience of Borden's and mine connection exploding in my hands- we're still here, with new and expansive things happening, and it's all good. I have been able to experience being rather messy within the inner circle of connection here and it being ok- I'm learning that there are others here with whom I want to extend a deeper experience of intimacy and that's another gift. There are so many gifts floating about here currently, *and* there's still something else, something not so pure in frequency, and I'm digging deeply into my Self to find out what that might be.

I find your insistence on the connection to the current experience as being 'lesser' in some way to be at different angles to what I have. I don't have any issue at all with that- it's why I wrote the thing about sharing the glasses- and what I'm detecting is a subtle current of idea that your glasses, for whatever reason, happen to be more right than any others. Here's my response to that, offered from the signal of my peaceful, untriggered sui generis- no bob, your glasses are just another pair of glasses.

I personally am holding this up in my hands, moving it about in my holographic kaleidescope and sorting out my signal about it, because I'm curious; what I'm seeing is that the language is the issue, and that with language there is a corresponding energy. I am always about finding the way through the noise and language is one of the ways that signal is carried- we all know this *and* I think we're all slack about it at times too. I know I get like that, so used to dealing with zombies that why do I need to be careful? But we're not playing in a room full of zombies here and for me the energy is poking me, telling me that there's a lot in here that can do with a level up.

I recognise that I was, in some places in that response I deleted to you, less than careful with the language- at the time, I said to you that I was aware I was doing this and it was because I trusted the connection between us to sort out the noise. Perhaps that was an error on my part and the energy is poking at me, telling me that when it comes to certain playing fields there's no such thing as 'you know me, so I don't have to be so careful', not because there's a glitch in the connection with my Self and the other, but because language carries the signal. Matter is made from distilled intention, so if I'm wanting to create something awesome, then my intention needs to be awesome, as does the signal. Intention, purpose, cohesion, integrity- the elements that go into the act of creation, that determine the quality and signal of what is created.

I have been puzzled since by some of the language you have used, not because you have no right to say 'hey, don't do that' or whatever- we all of us have that right in every moment to nurture our own sui generis- but because of this odd tone, a rigidity that I haven't seen before, a judgement that I personally don't resonate to. To me, there is a complex and exquisite dance going on between my Self and the energies I'm encountering; there's a whirling dance between my Self, my Creator sources, my Creators, the multiple Selves I'm connected to, both in the multiverse and here within me- I can still switch personalities, I just don't choose to- and the Beings I am drawn into relationship with, both here and in the Otherrealms. This is a passionate and immersing dance for me and I'm flying through water, through air, through different realities and perspectives; it's one that is being driven by my integrity and my connection to the energy of the All that I am both reflection and receiver of. This is the choice that I've made in all the infinite choices and I've made this given an enormous scope of information and signal.

Is there the suggestion that this choice is inferior because I immerse my Self in it, because I allow my Self to be this, fully and absolutely? I *am* a multiple personality, if I choose to let that out- I have that kind of mind and I can let go the limits I have put in place and stand there and switch rapidly between a host of other Beings that are/are not I; I have simply made the choice that this isn't terribly useful given my purpose and intent. I've experienced a complete reset before, the walk in thing in 2002, which showed me how utterly messy things can get in the physical realms with a clamouring internal rabble all inhabiting the same space. I'm saying this to demonstrate that I fully get how illusionary it all is- I just know from actual, personal experience that letting that slide too far doesn't make things easier, it becomes chaotic and useless for doing anything on the physical plane.

And the physical is the realm I actually sprang from, it's what I am and where I choose to be: part of the deal this time was that I came here on the agreement of getting my physical immortality back- stick this stupid recycling, it's ridiculous and annoying.That's how it is for me here- this isn't lower level, kindergarten, whatever, it's about dealing with a lower vibration idea in a high vibration multiverse.

Given how I feel about my 'Verse, can you get that some of the language you have been using about my 'obsession' is a tad ear flattening? (think animal). I do not resonate with all the perspectives you express around that *and* it doesn't make my way of Being in the universe lesser because I don't have an interest in the non-corporeal; I've known such Beings, some I am friends with, some I've reached mutual agreements with to just skim past with a polite wave and acceptance that we're not each other's cup of tea. We don't think that's because one of us is inferior to the other, we're just in different universes most of the time and that's perfect.

If you use language that suggests certain perspectives and choices within the spectrum are inferior, I'll keep responding with 'that seems like elitist blah to me'. it's all part of the friendly service here at the Pub. I have no issues whatsoever with exchanges of perspective, moving the hologram around, it's what I love to do, *and* I'm going to back away from concrete anything if it's not the right signal for my purpose and intent.

Have I said this right, I wonder? I have no doubt that this needs further conversation, and it's not like I'm going to suddenly stop processing here in the Pub, and I still wonder if my purpose and intent here came through...

[songsfortheotherkind]

Posted by another bob (here)
Just FYI, Calz was suggesting the invite-only forum for the thread I was contemplating (Q & A with Lou Baldin), not the archon thread we both rejected outright.

Is there anywhere you can point me to Lou Baldin's stuff? I'd like to check out what you're talking about- I never actually read or watch much of anyone else's stuff more than to get the ghist of what they're talking about, with a few rare exceptions- I figure it might be helpful in this case.

[songsfortheotherkind]

Posted by PurpleLama (here)
I have a feeling, that if any of the above images get deleted, somehow they won't exactly be making it into the s private collection.

The subtle self possession in this comment made me nearly rupture something from laughter. Such a dignified moustaches and slightly raised eyebrows moment. *still grinning*

[another bob]

Posted by songsfortheotherkind (here)
What I get from your recent messages is the idea that holding the space where one has become the creation is wrong, defective in some way. You may not be intending that message *and* the language that you're using suggests it, at least to me: 'the cramped little vehicles of second hand belief and limited self images' is not, in my energy at least, sui generis language, it's judgement. This is the thing that I'm turning and looking at with interested eyes, because what's been coming up for me in the conversations between you and I is my awareness that there seems to be a subtle, yet very real, form of judgement going on here.

I see that somehow my language is triggering a terrific amount of resistence and defense in you, based on your own interpretations, which are in turn based on your own conditioning filters. You have, imho, really made things way more complicated than need be, head-scratchingly so, but then again, if it serves you to do so, then fine -- it's an open bar here.

Just understand that, when I use the term "second-hand belief", I'm simply speaking about the tendency to borrow others' opinions and assume they are true, such as religious beliefs, without verifying the matter for themselves. Likewise, when I use the term "limited self-images", I am merely referring to the human tendency to make assumptions about their identity -- who and what they are -- without exploring any deeper than what they've been told by people who are relatively clueless themselves in the scheme of things.

Whatever you are now adding to any of this seems quite off-track, if not downright bizarre, frankly speaking.

I'm wondering if others here are having a problem getting this? If so, I'd like to hear it.

[songsfortheotherkind]

I am coming from a place in me where I have chosen that those around me are worth connecting with, that I can learn to lay down my experience of the matrix world and discover what this one is like. This is where I can co-create a different reality and learn how to bring it into the rest of my life.

This is what I'm choosing and I am utterly ok with the notion that I have no idea what this looks like. I trust my Self to rise, again and again; it's one of the few things that I can state absolutely. I will rise and rise and rise, no matter how hard it gets, and I'll stay in connection if the other wants to keep rising too.

I am forever falling upwards.

[Borden]

Songsy tells me I am half 'Fallen'. She also tells me I am half 'Anun'. You can ask her what these things mean if you're interested. She and I fell out over it hugely just recently. It doesn't matter, I love her. We will adjust our 'platform' as she puts it. I know she won't mind me saying this because she wanted to post about it before but my self-consciousness stopped her. Make of it what you will.

I know that I have considerable power in terms of the 'energetic'. Songsy helped me identify this. I'd always known it. Filters stopped me expressing it. Does this mean I have to take her at her word that I am Anun and Fallen? I know that my 'signal' freaks people out, attracts people, disturbs people, etc. That's just always been who I am. Do these labels and potential 'histories' make any difference to me? Well, they might make sense of a lot of things about me. Which is exactly what I'm so wary of. I'm a fool, not an idiot.

There is indeed a 'disturbance in the Force' here right now. But it's something wonderful. Bob, I am 'thinking' of you and your magical lady in my heart, and I wish you two well tomorrow. Songsy, I love you, and you know that. A good several others here ... well, I don't want to get all mushy. But you know.

It doesn't matter what we are, or what we think we are. Or what we angrily think we are not because some chick with horns has come along and said things we don't like. This is Pub Club. Bruises and missing teeth are not a problem. Failure to engage is the only real hurt.

[REILLY]

*pinches his nose and jumps feet first into the abyss*

[songsfortheotherkind]

Posted by another bob (here)

I see that somehow my language is triggering a terrific amount of resistence and defense in you, based on your own interpretations, which are in turn based on your own conditioning filters. You have, imho, really made things way more complicated than need be, head-scratchingly so, but then again, if it serves you to do so, then fine -- it's an open bar here.

This is really, really bizarre and odd- I write from quite possibly the most untriggered space ever, and you get that I'm running a terrific amount of resistance, that I'm speaking through interpretations and conditioning filters and need to make things something more complicated than it is for some reason or other. I'm being careful to use neutral language, to express my own perspective in a neutral way, to express the experience of a judgement without the language of 'YOU are judging me'... and yet again, it seems, my purpose and intent has somehow gone awry.

Just understand that, when I use the term "second-hand belief", I'm simply speaking about the tendency to borrow others' opinions and assume they are true, such as religious beliefs, without verifying the matter for themselves. Likewise, when I use the term "limited self-images", I am merely referring to the human tendency to make assumptions about their identity -- who and what they are -- without exploring any deeper than what they've been told by people who are relatively clueless themselves in the scheme of things.

I get that. I do. I *also* get that sometimes, depending on where a person is coming from, borrowing a way of Being is all they can do and that's where they're at. They may have to sit with that for awhile before they can even do anything about discovering more in that space *and* that's all that they can do; when they make these beliefs their own, by embracing them and going through the process of living into them, which then affords them the opportunity to explore exactly what it is and is not that they want, is it still second hand? Are not *all* ways of Being, if we apply this criteria, in a way second hand? Aren't we all living into ideas that we are in the process of examining by living into them? Is it possible to lay down *all* the judgements we've been taught to carry and just move through the space being able to embrace or gracefully decline the Art of others while having no thought as to the nature of that Art?

This absolutely is NOT empty argument on my part. I am really, sincerely revealing how my mind works here: I'm looking for a language that can describe stuff without in some subtle way creating new platforms for viral thinking- and in my mind, I can see how this perspective can, in other hands, definitely support the virus. Can you 'see' my intent here? It's not that I'm having a go at YOU, although I realise now that an important paragraph in my big post was missing in which I reiterated that I did indeed know we have resonated with each other's thoughts and expressions, and that this was not about discounting that- I had left that paragraph in the other response I was writing to your previous post and it ended up in the limbo.

How can I write about these things I'm seeing without getting

Whatever you are now adding to any of this seems quite off-track, if not downright bizarre, frankly speaking.

this as a response? I'm seeing a possible frequency, something greater than the sum of the words, and I'm trying to hone in on that and express it and yet there appears to be something weird happening around that expression. I'm absolutely *not* triggered- and here in the Pub if I'm triggered I've said that I am and that blah blah blah. I am so still and peaceful inside with this evolution I'm experiencing, in part because I had to rapid evolve or crash and burn over the past few days with regards the fear of rejection thing, so I'm really not triggered at all. I am, however, familiar with being misunderstood because of how I see things, so I'm moving the hologram around and wondering 'how do I express this so my purpose and intent can be heard and experienced in the way I'm holding it?'. I also know that I can have weird language glitches, so I'm not discounting that.

One of the things that just occurred to me: I was sitting here rereading what you'd written, trying to work out if I was doing anything distorted with the language, and what jumped out at me was this:

I see that somehow my language is triggering a terrific amount of resistence and defense in you, based on your own interpretations, which are in turn based on your own conditioning filters.

This is your experience, not mine, yet you have presented it to me in a way that says that it is so, that this is what is happening and that my experience is coming from a world of dodgy. In me, genuinely, it is not. I strive to express constantly that my experience is *mine*, that I'm aware that the experience of the other may be vastly different and that, in sharing my own experience and them sharing theirs, the idea in me is to create a platform of mutual perspective and expression from which further connection and expansion can happen. I'm beginning to see why I triggered previously on the language because it's being presented to me as an absolute, rather than as simply your own perspective, in the language. What has changed for me since that post I deleted is that I'm not giving any energy to that; I felt that I couldn't defend my Self against such expressions, now I have zero inclination to defend because I'm the only evidence of my signal that is ever going to be possible to produce and either other individuals are going to be ok with that, or they're not- so why defend? What is there to defend, my existence? That's worlds of lol, because either I'm accepted or I'm not, and me arguing the point isn't going to convince the other.

I'm writing here about the shift in my perception and experience, not to suggest I'm experiencing that rejection of my core Self from you. This lack of acceptance for my Self forced others to show up and argue me with me- part of the conflict between Borden and I was my resistance to some of his ideas about consensus realities and his experience of me being turned into an experience of being manipulated or me being dodgy in some way. I don't have that internal argument now, I can honestly say 'no' to something and not experience the internal freakout that went with that before. I'm not defending now, I'm expressing with a view to creating a new platform, and in me there's a vast difference between these two things. This is me exploring with wide open expansion, an only sightly less open heart and wide eyes- I'm like Jack the Pumpkin King, bouncing around and asking 'what's this, what's this?'.

I'm interested, in part, in a truly sui generis language. That seems to be what I'm exploring with you at the moment.

[Borden]

All right, Purple dude ... I am holding your hand and we will probably both scream like girls as we plunge into that abyss. But at least we will have a bloody good laugh about it afterwards.

[songsfortheotherkind]

Posted by Borden (here)
Songsy tells me I am half 'Fallen'. She also tells me I am half 'Anun'. You can ask her what these things mean if you're interested. She and I fell out over it hugely just recently. It doesn't matter, I love her. We will adjust our 'platform' as she puts it. I know she won't mind me saying this because she wanted to post about it before but my self-consciousness stopped her. Make of it what you will.

I know that I have considerable power in terms of the 'energetic'. Songsy helped me identify this. I'd always known it. Filters stopped me expressing it. Does this mean I have to take her at her word that I am Anun and Fallen? I know that my 'signal' freaks people out, attracts people, disturbs people, etc. That's just always been who I am. Do these labels and potential 'histories' make any difference to me? Well, they might make sense of a lot of things about me. Which is exactly what I'm so wary of. I'm a fool, not an idiot.

There is indeed a 'disturbance in the Force' here right now. But it's something wonderful. Bob, I am 'thinking' of you and your magical lady in my heart, and I wish you two well tomorrow. Songsy, I love you, and you know that. A good several others here ... well, I don't want to get all mushy. But you know.

It doesn't matter what we are, or what we think we are. Or what we angrily think we are not because some chick with horns has come along and said things we don't like. This is Pub Club. Bruises and missing teeth are not a problem. Failure to engage is the only real hurt.

*looks up at you, because I don't have a handy box to stand on right now and you're waaaay taller than me*

I really love you too, which has frankly been unbelievably painful these past few days and I was ok with that because I don't want you to be anything but you. I'm really enjoying that loving you is teaching me to be far less sensitive to someone I love having a force 10 spack attack at me- this latest one has actually burned to ashes my fear of rejection and I've been carrying *THAT* one around since I was 7, so that in itself is an enormous gift- and to discover that some males have the capacity to phoenix also. You have a talent for surprising me. The males here on this board are a stunning group and I'm beginning to suspect that one of the elements that ties us all together, all the individuals here in this core Pub Club, are that we all carry the phoenix capacity in an evolutionary and unique way that we can use to level the whole lot of us up.

If that's so, I think we'd all best be holding onto our hats for this part of the ride. :D *polishes horns happily, delighted with the dance*

[Borden]

Songsy,

I know you are clever. Bob knows you are clever. Bob is cleverer than me. You have nothing to prove. No-one is attacking you. You are drawing closer and closer to the virus deep within, and every step makes you jangle more cleverly. I say this with love. Holy sh1t ... I have so much virus I don't know where anyone would begin if they wanted to fix me. But you know what I say ... I didn't say I had my life all worked out, darling ... I said I had your life all worked out.

Please STOP using ten thousand words where ten would do. You're so much better than that. Do you remember the first night we spoke? You listened to me get narky about something, and you told me that I'd gone into a 'head space'. Don't do that. Bob and I are men, but we both love you. We are not those men. This is not a war.

I apologise if any of this sounded patronising. If it did, you know exactly where you can stick it.

With love ... cute little stripy jumper, dimply Borden.

[REILLY]

*WWWWWWWWWHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

[songsfortheotherkind]

Posted by PurpleLama (here)
*pinches his nose and jumps feet first into the abyss*

*laughing as the three of us fall tumbling into the unknown*

some things while we're falling-

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RolauwBlH5M

and with the three of us here, maybe we can make some cool formations



we only need two more for this one-



and if the whole thing goes viral, maybe we can get really ambitious-



*continues falling*

[REILLY]

What wonderful worlds we inhabit

[songsfortheotherkind]

except where those worlds require one's computer to spontaneously chuck a spackie and die.

Grrrrrrrr.

[songsfortheotherkind]

Posted by Borden (here)
You have nothing to prove. No-one is attacking you. You are drawing closer and closer to the virus deep within, and every step makes you jangle more cleverly. I say this with love. Holy sh1t ... I have so much virus I don't know where anyone would begin if they wanted to fix me. But you know what I say ... I didn't say I had my life all worked out, darling ... I said I had your life all worked out.

Tell me what virus you can see, because if it's there I honestly can't see it- I've had so much burned away after the past few days that I'm doing all sorts of things utterly differently here in my physical world and it's shifting and transforming stuff all over the shop. When you exploded you kept saying I was being manipulative or difficult because I couldn't see what you were seeing and I don't know how to communicate it any more honestly than what I'm doing- I'm not experiencing virus here and so if you feel something else then show me, map it for me so I can see what you're talking about.

I *am* in heart space, even to the point where my immune markers are rising and my physiology is shifting- even the osteo noticed it- and we could do things with my body that I just haven't been able to release before. I'm sure there will be new levels of awareness regarding subtle stuff of the virus once this integrates *and* I am not in trigger space. You see something in what I'm writing as a head space thing- is that because I'm really trying to work out the language dissonance? I'm not in defense mode.

Please STOP using ten thousand words where ten would do. You're so much better than that.

I try to paint with words because the energy channels are shut. When everyone gets their telepathy on I promise I'll never write in anything but haiku. Until then, it's word pictures.

You and I have played with energy from 10,000 k's away and I've learned it works with others too, in different flavours and expressions: you and I have talked about how sporked I am here in the internet and in any medium that doesn't let me 'see' the other, due to the energetic blindness I experience, which is akin to me trying to communicate while mute, blind and partially deaf. I simply can't read the signal properly and bob's response to me before indicated that he didn't get me as I was sending me, so I move the kaleidescope and try another way. The words take the place of the massive energy communication channels that are absent. I can go blind with you too when you choose to shut down the connection, remember? And how clunky does that makes me in response? Which you have experienced as deception, in part.

While I was off battling the computer deciding to shut down, I was thinking about what you were saying regarding my 10,000 words thing. Here's what I got.

This is an individual who inspires me, Frida Kahlo.





She had a hellish life and used everything, no matter how brutal or gritty it was, to inspire her art.

Excruciating back operations



the repeated miscarriages and medically necessary abortions



this is her husband, Diego Rivera, as painted by her



this is Diego's painting style, which is absolutely nothing like that of his wife



Diego met Frida when she was very young and a passionate art student. He was already famous. One of the reasons their relationship endured the enormous tumult and chaos that they generated together was that each of them profoundly respected one another as an artist. Diego never, ever told Frida how to paint, never suggested that she change anything; she asked him for technique in her student days and he gave it to her, but he refrained from trying to influence her at all because he, as an artist, recognised she had something in her that simply needed to be expressed. She stayed with him despite affairs, miscarriages, more affairs, tumult and everything else because they profoundly understood each other as artists.

This Pub came into being partly because of the things I wrote out in the forum that got others interested. I simply write what I write because that's what I do- I've expressed surprise and a sort of hand waving 'oh, excellent, good stuff, glad I can be of some use' responses when individuals have expressed their appreciation for what I write. I've thought about that in the context of what you're saying and I've realised that there's been a creeping sense of my having to cater to an audience rather than my writing from my truth, lately- it's not extreme, and it's there, and it's bollocks.

I word paint. I do other art. I write how I write. I don't tell you how to write. I wouldn't dare lean over your shoulder when you were drawing and say 'honey, don't you think it would look better if- ' because I like my head being where it is and you would have every right in swinging your lightsaber at me with your free hand and without even looking up from the page. I don't write to impress others, I write from the storm of my process, from my heart space, from my expression and my desire to make connection with anyone who gets the essence and signal of what I'm sending out. I know it's one of the reasons why we're here with each other, because of the way that I write. I don't want to write haiku. I don't want to try and pare my signal down to a single stream, because that's not what I'm communicating.

I love you madly, you know that by now, and I'm pointing to the ground and saying smilingly 'Borden, my darling, you're standing on my canvas and thanks, I value your opinion and in this instance I like my colors'. I haven't seen your art yet but I can surmise that, as a comic book illustrator, you're into minimalism, clean lines and whathaveyou. I've told you my own drawing are as intricate and complex as my writing. I say complex, others say chaotic, even more others say 'that's not art! it's a dogs breakfast'.

If we were pianos, you would be dressed in the suave suit, with the elegant manner and wonderful cultured English accent (which luckily you already have, hurrah!)- the Daniel Craig /James Bond piano



and I would be more the tattooed and pierced cybergoth weirdo sitting down to play this



except with tiny little neon blue fairy lights to make the entire thing glow blue, instead of the white round ones. Our Art is different, that's all. I am painting and writing and creating my life as I'm inspired to- I am prepared to listen, you of all individuals know that because I've embraced evolution in mid-conversation before- and if it doesn't ring true to me, then I'll go with that. There is a difference between being a bloody minded moo and true to my sui generis, although sometimes to others they look like the same thing.

Do you remember the first night we spoke? You listened to me get narky about something, and you told me that I'd gone into a 'head space'. Don't do that. Bob and I are men, but we both love you. We are not those men. This is not a war.

I know you both love me. *big grin* And I don't have any sense of war. Just a sense of me. I'm aware that my stuff isn't head space, it's something else, and I'm seriously scanning constantly for what the next permutation of virus crap might be. I also know that I got lost in the confusion of the strength of the connection between us to the point where I lost the freedom to express my Self in such 'are you lost in headspace right now?' ways, which has only been a 7 week cycle instead of a 7 year one, hurrah! Now I feel able to approach our connection from that free and joyous space again. New, stronger platforms, more robustly and embracingly designed to deal with splat- I've made the splat sections out of a combination of bouncy castle and firm jelly, which I think will work much more spiffily than the piranha pit we had previously, and as always I'm open to suggestions.

I apologise if any of this sounded patronising. If it did, you know exactly where you can stick it.

Not patronising at all, because you know I'd simply roll that in one of your endless cigarettes and give it back to you to smoke. heh. I am more than delighted to be going through this, because it's helping me get clear on so many things, all at once. I haven't felt this Frida since I was about 12.

With love ...

cute little stripy jumper, dimply Borden.

Hon, that makes some of the rest of what we do kind of a tad creepy...


The Phoenix Moon
Being Outrageously Fabulous since 1964