I don't know if this is the right place to share it. It's not good, it's very dark and negative. But there's so many words I want to talk, and they just always got stuck in my stomach.
Like all the autisms, I cringe in a crowd, and when I had to join a crowd, I wear strange rag clothes and mess my hair so that I can feel less exposed. I don't make friends, and I feel sad when someone treat me nicely or sincerely, because HOW would I ever be able to respond it? I'm incapable of this.
I feel that autism is like a cage, I locked the happy healthy and beautiful me in it. And all my life when I tried too heal myself, I feel like I'm doing a prison break.
And Yes, there are so many things I've tried to free myself from this self-locking. Some are quite extreme. I watch horror films such as Ringu over and over, in the hope of reaching down my deep heavy cage just like Reiko Asakawa down to the deep well where Sadako lies.
I feel that if I can't be free-from the past, the psychological illness or whatever is so dark and heavy in me-I will forever keep this strange, retarded and fragmental person who is not what I really am.
Yeah, yeah. I should learn to accept my inner self and not be afraid of showing it to others: it's just too easy to say.
I have being looking for the "right" way for a long time. Recently, I feel that every formula I tried, I cost a small piese of my soul. And right now my soul is so old and pale that not for long it will vanish into void...