For those who have ever felt suicidal, for those who have ever longed to die...

[pilotsimone]

deleted post

[Zelig]

Beautifully put. I often desire an exit from my circumstances but then feel ashamed for not cherishing my opportunities and having the courage to chart my own course. Thanks for this post.

[shadowstalker]

Been there so may times.... Contemplating, thinking, wondering, trying, moving on to the next step of life and learning..

[Woody]

Hi pilotsimone, thank you for the above post, i to have had thoughts of suicide during my life, starting when i was about 12 years of age, and periodically ever since.
I believe my thoughts of suicide are due to a problematic childhood which have left me emotionally scarred and hypersensitive at times.
I remember praying and asking what was the point to my life? I asked for my life to have a purpose or for it to be ended.
I asked that i could use my life to help others, and i asked that i wake up spiritually.
I now help people who are sick, and hopefully started to wake up too.
Kind regards,
Woody

[pilotsimone]

deleted posts

[Free Will]

Me too.

Thank you all for your courage..!

Stay strong.

[Flash]

I do think as in your article in post 1 that suicide is often a call for life. In fact it tells you that you are actually killing yourself or dying, and either you get out of it and live fully or finish the job that has been so wonderfully undertaken.

I do relate quite a lot with going back home and being anxious, having diarrhea (this told me the situation make me sh..) that stopped the minute I stepped out.

I do think that lots of depressions and suicidal thiought are in fact spiritual crisis and that when understood as such, wonderful growth and evolving happens.

This is Carolyn Myss in one of her speeches who was mentioning that her brother was now sick, had been to a psychiatrist and had been given pills, when in fact she knew very well that the problem he had was not a mental heavy depression but rather a spiritual crisis. She told the psychiatrist who still protected its arse by keeping giving the pills. Carloyn took off a book from the psychicatrist library telling him that she had written that book (spiritual book) and knew what she was talking about, the shrink asked her to autograph it but kept thinking pills and not listening.

This is when I listen to this that I understood how often depression and suicide attempts are in fact spiritual crisis. Now, when I hear myself or other talking about such thoughts, i adress it (including for myself) as a spiritual crisis and look at what is hampering my own spiritual development or those of my peers.

[kersley]

Wow. Many would say that we are weak and can't deal with life. But I know different. I'm Sooooo glad that I'm not alone feeling this way.
Many times I felt misunderstood and not belong here. Maybe I have a few screws loose? But who's judging me? and who has the right to judge me?

[meeradas]

Very, very grateful.

[GK76]

I have always felt out of place in this body/world too, the want to release is a feeling I know well, but have never needed to check out (so to speak) as the knowledge of a release is enough to spur me on and choose freedom and fun over control and being downtrodden.

That sensitivity website's test is spot-on for the most-part. I too am a long suffering sensitive person... sadly early on I found anger is an easy fix for the overwhelming feelings (as my parent's rather sturdy but now split-in-two door will attest to). I later found out during a bout of depression that instead of feeling the feelings it is much better to process it with thought.. to simply think about it until logic makes the whole situation look ridiculous.

Sadly with sensitive people we often get judged by health care workers - the vast majority are clueless except for their trusty textbooks! It's akin to the Amish building a nuclear power station. As the old faithfull quote goes:

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

It is something I also humble myself with from time to time (also to spur the quest for knowledge).

As Bill Hicks rightly said:

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and around and around and it has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud. And it's fun - for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question; is this real? Or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, and they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because... this is just a ride"."

It is a ride, who in their right mind would get off before the ride has ended? Surely you will just make things a sh*t-ton worse - also you will miss the best part!

Anyway... I've rewritten this multiple times and still haven't got it anywhere near how it should look... also the topic may have been lost along the way... oh well.

[normam2]

Hmm talk about synchronicity...

Pilotsimone, thanks for having the courage to write about this taboo topic (even here in avalon ) . I feel that many members are quick to dismiss this topic with responses such as " smell the roses" , "life is beautiful" , " life is what you make of it " blah blah and so forth.

Believe me when I say I would love to me in that state of mind, to have a life where the odd are never against me, where there is no psychological trauma that rules my days and nights, where I dont have to worry about money and getting ahead because that's just my luck. I mean I don't want to sound pessimistic because boy I get alot of that. Im simply putting in my two cents of what life has given and telling it how I see it through my eyes.

I too have been contemplating the meaning of my life and why I'm still here . There more I make an effort to remember my life and all the things I have lived through It surprises me that I am not a coke head walking the streets at night looking to get a fix. Not only has it been rough it has been extremely lonely . Because the more I look for people like to connect at a soul level the more I see it as wishful thinking or daydreaming.
I mean its already hard thinking the way we do, with all that we believe and how we perceive life as an alternate reality rather that "just plain old life". Most of people in Avalon are separate by thousand of miles if not countries and continents and those of of who can go for a cup of coffee to discuss the lasted thing going on in the alternative community are lucky to have such a luxury.

I too have been having suicidal thoughts , accompanied by feeling of rebellion and anger for not being able to mold and change my reality into something that is more inline with who I'm inside. Having people in my family and people around me who very damaged and dependent on me on exacerbates my state of mind .

Something that I often think about is that when I was born i had really high fever so the doctors decided to place me in a fetal position to extract some spinal cord fluid to see what was wrong with me . For some unknown reason this cause my lungs to collapse , giving to my near death experience just after being born. Sometime I wonder if that was just not me knowing that this life was going to be extremely hard and I was having second thoughts about the whole thing.
After going from pink to purple my aunt alert the doctors of what was happening and they quickly re-inflated my lungs. I was on intensive care for two months ( this was all in Mexico since I was born there) my dad had yet to go see me which he only did after my mom took me with her to go live back with my grandma. If i could write a book of my life it would have to resemble THE HOUSE OF THE SPIRITS by Isabel Allende only with more drama and less happy moments.

Anyway , I'm rambleling to much so I guess my point here is this : I am glad to know there is people like you that I can relate to and see life in a different shade ( a shade that requires a special sense to be seen ) > I not ashamed to see life this way ( remember there is no right or wrong JUST IS)

How i currently see life and WHAT IT IS is as follows: This is all a game , Source got bored and created an amusement park and we are currently riding the 'Destroyer' the scariest roller coaster of the park. There could be other amusement parks ( the different universes) with different rides and so on but we are on the destroyer at this moment I think I want to get off and walking around instead.

There might even be another source aside for the one that we came from ,the one that we are. There might be infinite number of source all unique on their own. I mean If you are able to think it then THEY MUST ALREADY EXIST.

Anyway, I deviated from the post alittle bit but that's just how my brain works. Thank you for posting this It made the loneliness and shame of feeling this way less so. To me is not a matter of choice feeling this way it just is , is just there . Maybe I had been feeling it since I was born but was unable to pin point what it was or have a name for it. Maybe one day it will be gone or it might be with me till I go back home.

Isabel

[Flash]

As I see it and from these posts above, there is many possible components about depression or suicidal thoughts:

spiritual crisis

very difficult childhood or experiences that created negatively oriented frames of thinking, which are changeable given some efforts,

very sensitive natures, much more than the average. On this, I think that in term of sensitivity, we have another Bell curve, 2% at one end, the psychopaths with no sensitivity whatsoever, 96% wherever in the middle range and 2% at the other end, the very sensitive natures, who often are the artists, the givers, the hearts on this planet. When you are at the sensitive end, life can be very difficult at times mostly if in presence of the lower end on the sensitivity spectrum. This could cause depressions as well.

[meeradas]

Posted by normam2 (here)
Isabel

.

[DNA]

In the Michael teachings there are 7 chief features or negative over riding qualities. We are all burdened with one of these seven. One of them happens to be called martyrdom. This chief feature causes folks to feel that death would solve everything

[Lifebringer]

Just the other day.

People who are drinking and irrational are in my family sibling structure. One lied on me to obtain money and i just wanted to give up. But when I realized, i just wanted to give up trying more than she tried to get better, I realized it wasn't quite the escape I've thought about throughout my life. I was child raped and after that, wanted a way out away from incestuous family members.

i attempted before 6 to escape and walked slumped over to not show my curves or breast. I was a depressed helpless mess. I attempted 3 times and was told, it wasn't my time yet, and i always asked them why OBE and they would respond: "Someone has to hear something from your heart and mind. i was told I was a motivational speaker and people needed to hear my troubles sometimes, to not have so much hurt behind their own and to keep going as I have.

I still think that if certain people aren't there with other by taking the suicidal way out, then someone else won't hear what is needed to move them forward. sometimes our knowledge of experience, is all we have to talk about and others need to know they aren't alone when they fell alone. Do you understand that? I hope it didn't come out like rambling.

God speed, you aren't alone on wanting to give up your mission in life, it is a weary trail of existance, but you are here for a reason.

[Deega]

Thanks Pilotsimone, what a great testimony!

You're one with a lot of courage, and the will to share this emotional challenge, as Flash called a 'Spiritual Crisis'.

And, as you have said, you come above it to help people suffering, I think that you have a space here to put in this torturing energy!, how great of you!

All the best to you.

Deega

[GK76]

Posted by DNA (here)
In the Michael teachings there are 7 chief features or negative over riding qualities. We are all burdened with one of these seven. One of them happens to be called martyrdom. This chief feature causes folks to feel that death would solve everything

To be a martyr you must suffer.
To die would be to end the suffering.
Therefore no longer a martyr, so...
Onwards we plod along enduring the pain until our body breathes it's final sigh...
Until then we deny ourselves the release through a strange sense of... nope, lost for words.

Is this the idea behind the teachings? I once knew a Michael.. he too talked out of his channeller.

I doubt I would have signed up for such a worthless cause. At the end of the day suffering is an empty experience and heavily rooted in religion as a form of control. Why would we possibly want to endure a whole life of suffering when the experience can be gained in 60 minutes by watching 'Britain's Got Talent'? Argh, never again.

[Agape]

This is far above Majestic and I'm not asking to be sub-ordinated . Ehm please better check the guidelines .

Yes it's straight in the guidelines, one of the 'top tabus' not to mention even ,

I've seen many forums failing on that rule

hope this has changed . Why because dying is part and parcel of Life .


My vajra guru once told me ''yogi does not fear death , knowing he can't avoid it , it's an ocassion for spiritual transformation, it's something to look forwards to ..

is it not how I always felt about it ?


There's a supreme goodness on the other side ...that's my testimony and in answer to Nina who asked me if the Elders had soul & spirit .

Of course it's full Spirit , on the other side . Surprisingly there are also technologies out there,
no you would not really expect that much.

That's in answer to those who keep believing in their angels without form and consciousness disembodied and formless ..

I've never expected the form of the other world being so concrete, so precise ..and so real .


And when you keep asking me why are we here and are surprised I keep saying 'by accident' , call your pain and suffering for witness .


The pain is in our cells , it's tweaking all our biological functions, we grow against the force , and at the end we collapse under it's weight but till that time ..


our consciousness finds its way home .


We revolt against it and we fight, we break our heads against the solid matter

we burn in fire for freedom from the pain

How much does it tell anyone ?


Kids dying in wars, kids trained as suicide bombers, monks burning in Tibet , people suffering in camps, prisons, hospitals and those dying on the streets of Capitals and what ?

Do I have enough of the shootings .

This very world you're telling me needs what ?



WISDOM AND LOVE


Not more or less , it needs your deeper wisdom to overcome the malady ..like on spiritual path , you need to know it's the path that is precious not its goal or many goals .

It's important to know what you do is important at any given moment . Be careful and don't blame yourself for other peoples faults .


I wanted to 'opt out' couple of good times but my memory is sort of blanked there . What I understood is that when a form of intelligence can't sort its way up and through it can turn self destructive .

It's literally sometimes, your neural connections dying like fireflies , it's very peaceful and transformative process . With a good luck,

you can awake next morning , and feel little better .



Don't worry if this may sound strange to few good people around because it's not anything I'd wish to anyone to experience .

When I was back in Dharamsala, 6 years in monastery and around .. I was so happy . It's been like being me again, the kid in me I had to forget before for a while ..
the lost childhood .
I was so happy and had many friends, not many problems altogether ..unless it rained a lot of course ..

no internet, no tv of course so no news, the main ones got to me from someone over half year


Had my books, and friends, and stars at night ...


it's so peaceful up there .


Then in 2004 , for couple of reasons I knew I will have to go to Europe , it was not like going back home though ..

to cut it short, it took me half a year or more to arrange my documents so I could leave ..and the force was against me in ways ..

even the office in Delhi seriously doubted i'm leaving

Anyway , we still had Xmas in Dharamsala and were under snow for a month and then it started to get warmer and I had to go ..


some thousand feet lower , to all the dust and mist and rushed society and it felt so anonymous back here ever since then .

A strange grey society .

I'm not saying it's all the truth .


And before I left , in 2004 , one time I heard silent words coming as if from my lamas , in my mind saying ..''don't do that.. ' .
It repeated with some stress ..

I thought that's so strange, I'm feeling fine and happy , what about it . I never guessed where this may take me ..

I don't dare to guess that even now.



I've never planned anything of that sort , of course, excuse me . But I keep shooting my out of this dimension every so often last couple of years .


Hope it makes fireflies






( I'm nice otherwise )

[Poly Hedra]

Thank you for this thread. I also think this is an important subjuect to speak openly about. As I child I was well aware that I was an accident and born out of wedlock, they were forced to marry because of the shame that went along with the catholic religon. Anyway, when I was about 13 or 14 I'd had enough I was tired and I just didnt want to be there anymore. I stole some pills from my mothers bedroom, went to my room and took them all. I lay down and felt calm and ready to die. I woke up a few hours later. I decided that I was here for a reason. I had a purpose. Since then I have been interested in death and life after death. Near death experiences etc. After reading Dolores Cannon and the people who were hypnotised, I learned about how suicide is never a way out.
It feels good to talk about this and I feel safe here at Avalon.

[Flash]

Posted by DNA (here)
In the Michael teachings there are 7 chief features or negative over riding qualities. We are all burdened with one of these seven. One of them happens to be called martyrdom. This chief feature causes folks to feel that death would solve everything

interesting, can we know the other features?