Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

[crested-duck]

The death of a abusive dad that was also a energy vampire was a well deserved and welcome release of my biggest problem in life. A weight was lifted as I watched him being buried....then returned that evening alone with my sister and I pissed on his grave.....Life for me has been peacefull ever since....Rob

[Swan]

Dear everybody who has posted here,

I would just like to mention a method that allows you to connect with familly members who may be deceased, or estranged:

Bert Hellinger - Orders of love: http://www.hellingerpa.com/hellinger.shtml

It is called Familly constellations. It takes place in a group setting with one or two counsellers. Various members of the group are asked to portray members of your familly. They tap into "the field" and can sense the feelings of the famiily member. The counsellers then try and find how to shift things so a resolution is acheived.

I have done this several times and find it to be an authentic and helpful process. I experienced that information that I had not given verbally, was picked up anyway by people potraying my familly members.

[bogeyman]

Abusive dad, uncle, aunt, mother used as a punch bag, brothers suffered this kind of fate as well as myself. They continued with the abuse to their off spring. It effected me and I became isolated from people in general. I have no contact with family members now. I have been and have witnessed other members of my family, including my mother and my brothers, being assaulted by my father numerous times. Further my father and his relatives are very manipulative. I never witnessed my sister being hit, since she was the favorite. When guests arrived at my home, my father and his relatives puts on a charming, caring and happy personality. Upon the guests leaving he changes to his ways on controlling, verbally abusive and violence. This occurred numerous times through my childhood to adulthood. My mother took the worst of all of this, and is frankly beyond help, it has gone too far.

This manipulative behavior is a family trait, so is the controlling behavior and violence. My mother was constantly assaulted, and emotional blackmail has been used frequently. It was and still is a repressive environment; I personally cannot even be in the same room as my immediate family due to the nature of their personalities and the memories of the past. I underwent counseling for many years to try to come to terms with the emotional and psychological effects this long term behavior had on me. There was no food in the house. It effected my education, me ability to form relationships. I lucky broke the cycle of violent, me brothers and my sister continue this. I have no contact now with members of my family. I found out it goes back further with my dads relatives, and my mothers too. My mums brother suffers from schizophrenic, and is in a maximum security hospital, and I have not seen him since I have 7. My other uncle (mums side) is a abuser of a sexual nature. Once wonders how I survived, I did and through counseling and healing I have pulled through. My life only began a few years ago.

[Woody]

Hi bogeyman, well done for surviving. We seem to have much in common, have you ever wondered if there may be a nagative entity with an attachment to your family? The reason i ask this is because i have started to consider this with my family, i have even wondered if a curse has been put on my family.
Although it might be that my family have psychopathic tendances.
Stay strong bogeyman and everyone,
Kind regards,
Woody

[bogeyman]

Posted by Woody (here)
Hi bogeyman, well done for surviving. We seem to have much in common, have you ever wondered if there may be a nagative entity with an attachment to your family? The reason i ask this is because i have started to consider this with my family, i have even wondered if a curse has been put on my family.
Although it might be that my family have psychopathic tendances.
Stay strong bogeyman and everyone,
Kind regards,
Woody

My healer met my dad once, and she said there was dark energy (black) around him and she couldn't stand his being in his company. His energy "clinged" to you. I'm very sensitive to my surrounding and yes I sense it too.

[CivilDawn]

Posted by nomadguy (here)
How do I forgive one that continues to do harm?
I do not know if he intends to, but somehow the way his personality is behaving the way he is now is destructive and coarse.
More news of distance menacing comes overtime. My thinking is that he must have a vendetta.
I had already come to terms with the idea that he could be a royal sh*t. But the part that gets me is why?....
I am finding it very difficult to heal this wound as it is still sustaining more damage.
Any advice?

nomadguy,

Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not a Get Out of Jail Free card. Acceptance of what is, or what has happened, including all the pain and misfortune we gather from our experiences, allows us to lighten the load in that giant garbage bag of shi*t we carry over our shoulders every day we are alive.

Not taking it personally is something else that I've found to be helpful. They have formed their own reality around their own beliefs about what is. Therefore, often times, they have copious amounts of destructive behaviors gained from their past. They have chosen this for themselves.

Forgiveness will not remove the chances of further suffering, but despite all the emotional cuts, soars and bruises, you may find you feel a little lighter and are able to operate from a place of love rather than resistance and resentment.

[ghostrider]

I was divorced in 97, my father passed in 98, then my grandmother in 99, my grandfather in 2000, I was 30 years old and one side of my family was wiped out, so I know the value of staying in touch , even if it's just a phone call. The only one left is mom.

[pilotsimone]

Generational suffering...

A relevant passage from pages 45 – 49 of Falling into Grace by Adyashanti:

Now I want to introduce a different type of suffering, one that can be particularly difficult to unravel. Over my years of teaching, I’ve noticed that there’s a particular type of suffering that is sticky, pervasive, and often very hard to find your way out of. I’ve come to call this “generational suffering.” The notion of generational suffering is based on the fact that each of us comes from a generational line, which goes as far back in time as we can imagine, back even to the original human beings, our original ancestors themselves. We’re actually the outcome of a long chain of many, many generations. Each of our family systems is imbued with a tremendous amount of beauty and goodness, and also carried within these systems, as we all know, is what we might call “generational pain,” or “generational suffering.” This is an actual energy that is unconsciously passed down from one generation to the next.

If you look closely at a particular family system, you’ll see the pain that tends to be passed down through a family lineage. For example, parents who have a particular tendency to suffer with anger or depression tend to produce children who suffer from the same afflictions, and then these children produce children who suffer with the same, and so on. Generational suffering is very insidious. It becomes deeper and deeper ingrained in a family as time wears on, and it forms the core of much of the suffering that people experience.

One of the interesting things to note about generational suffering is that it’s not personal. In other words, it’s more like a virus that infects the people within a family. It’s a way of suffering that infects a family and then gets passed on, almost like the flu or a cold, through future generations. When you’re born, without even knowing it, you’re actually being handed this generational pain. In response, you will complain about it, think it’s terrible, or otherwise resist it. But by doing so, you will come to see that denial or complaints about this pain only makes it sink more deeply into your being.

When you start to identify how this generational suffering operates in your life, when you see how your particular way of suffering is similar to the way others in your family suffer, it can open your heart and mind. From this wider perspective, you can actually start to let go of blame and see that those who passed down suffering to you through this generational chain were themselves experiencing the pain and quite unconscious of what was happening. This pain just came to them, and they manifested it in whatever way they did, and then they unknowingly passed it down to the next generation…

…Eventually, this energy comes to you, and you become the forefront of this generational pain. It’s easy to get resentful and blame this pain on someone else, but when you really see the nature of it, you see that it’s not personal, even though the implications for you feel very personal, and maybe the way it was acted out was also very personal. But the pain itself, the suffering itself, is really not you. It was handed down unconsciously from one person to the next, from one generation to the next. Of course the way it gets handed down is often extraordinarily painful, sometimes violent, because it seems that you are the target of this suffering as it manifests in you and in the family members around you. But if you can avoid getting completely lost in the anger or the resentment – even though, from a relative perspective, it’s understandable – if you can withhold your judgment for just a moment, you will start to see that the pain that you feel was in large part suffering from others in your family-and it does not have to be your own.

When you feel and can identify this deep pain within you, see that blaming others in your family is not the solution. When you feel the urge to blame, keep in mind that your generational line has lived with the same pain, too. It is highly likely that they never even imagined that it was generational. They probably took it very personally, and therefore their only option was to act it out. When you start to see this in terms of a long chain of suffering handed down from generation to generation, and you realize that you’re the one, here and now, who can become conscious of how this works, then you have the opportunity to put an end to it.

[Knowrainknowrainbows!]

@ delfine ;

Thank you for your candor and honesty ... Your story made me think of my own multiple failed attempts at reconnecting with some of family. Now, at 55 years of age, a few of the things I've come to know is that "timing is everything" and I am only responsible for my intent and actions, not those of others. Also, I try to analyze and understand events/circumstances from as many viewpoints as possible. Ironically, it requires detaching emotionally in order to reconnect emotionally.

Still, numerous rejections are disheartening ... I've found letting go of that moment and reassuring myself (as a best friend would do) helps redirect my energies so I don't dwell on that which I cannot change. MY door remains open to healing. That message has been delivered. Invitations are awaiting favorable responses ... In the interim I live day by day making new relationships and learning the value of compassion.

I am thankful for this topic, Bill.
KRKR

[wynderer]

Rocky_Shorz post about his loving family reminds me of a New Yorker cartoon i saw yrs ago: a big auditorium w/a big banner hung across the stage reading, 'Convention for Children of Functional Families' -- in the huge auditorium, there is one lone man sitting, surrounded by a sea of empty seats --

unhappy families seem to be far more common than happy ones, in this modern world

i agree re forgiving -- my parents are quite elderly now -- i would dearly love to be able to tell them that i forgive them, that i know more about their lives now & can understand why they acted in such insane ways to their children

since they don't want contact, instead i pray for them

it would be sad if a resentment against a family member kept one chained to the wheel of karma here in this matrix at a time when a way out is nearing

Posted by Rocky_Shorz (here)
wow, I want to give all of you a huggg...

I came from a boringly wonderful family, and have helped so many others not understanding why they wouldn't keep in touch, it is so foreign to me to think of not talking to those you love...

facebook has put us in touch with friends and classmates, and let us keep an eye on family...

but to those who don't want to talk, I can understand where that could make it worse, keeping updated without the worry or pain of speaking...

I picked up a friends phone that hadn't spoke with her mom in 15 years, the number was there, I clicked Dial...

when she answered, I was telling a joke, listening to her laughing in the background, then I did the innocent, hello, is someone there?

I looked at the dial, said oops I butt dialed and tossed her the phone...

she said hello without looking...

best of buds again...

saying hi is easier than most people think, so don't think, just do it...

[Meesh]

I'm surprised, and somewhat saddened, that this very, very, important thread has only 3 pages of contributions so far. By way of comparison, the Mitchell Combes thread now has 24 pages. I'll step out on a limb
and say that this thread is the most important thread on the forum right now. It's about personal transformation and offers an opportunity to wake up!

ok, rant over.

[Limor Wolf]

Reading this thread has touched a chord in my heart. to some of us, the most painful word in the vocabulary is 'family'. I know that it was like that for me for many many years, and I still can not completely shake this difficulty even today.

I have not been in touch with my father for more than 21 years, funnily, I see him almost everyday now as my mother is hospitalized, and I exchange kind words with him. My forgiving and asking for foregivness has already been done a couple of years ago, with the understanding of who we all are and what we are here for (lessons) this was done without the involvment of the other side. I also needed to forgive myself, since being an 11 years old, I wanted to kill my father more times than I can remember. I basically wanted him to go far far away and not come back. such great was the pain.

As a child, I was convinced as I could be, that being born to this family is an unexplained mistake, all five family members are greatly different from one another, in characteristics, in expressivness and in vibrations, and I did not feel that I belonged there. Both my parents, so cought up with their own demons, scratches, irritations, childhood traumas (My mother, a holocaust survivor) and are unconsciousness beings, could not understand a sensitive child. The set was one of a constant anger, disrespect, extreme ego, unfaithfulness, guilt accusations and very low vibration. There was nowhere to run... The one word that I clearly remember that was rolling in my head was ' harmony', at age 8-9 I don't quite know how I was familiar with this word, but i desperately needed it.

Family life was strange when my parents were having a 'mormon like' relationship, where there was another woman in the picture, she was 'part of the family', her and her children were always first, my father put us, his children, in a third or a fourth place after his own needs, that of his friends and that of 'her'. my mother accepted it and dis-attached hersaelf from any emotions, but all three of us children were very much afraid of her, this kind of 'inner volcano' she carried, could not be kept dormant ...

I write, and I keep getting the 11:11's on the computure, I don't often share, but I think it is good, it is a conduit and a release, as bogeyman said.

The surprising wake up call that occured in my life at the age of 32 was the most relieving gift I could ever wish for. everything slowly dawned on me : Parents with emotional disabilities and a daughter who can feel every thought, feeling and vibration of someone else and is taking it on herself, is a winning recipe for a rapid spiritual growth of all of us who are involved.

We, as grown up adult seems to be a 'product' of our childhood and of our family surrounding, how come 'love' and 'family' don't always come together? if we did not recieve enough love or recognition as children ,if our soul got no reference, or a very needed occasional caressed touch, than the journey to accomplish all those things in our adult life is a long, curvy and steep road. it is a real challange. I believe that our world is full of people who have not received enough love or enough recognition by their families, it might not be anyone's fault, it is simply a vicious circle of the 'beaten child syndrom' later becoming the 'beating parent' and vice versa.

It is time to clean the bruises and stop this cycle.

In recent years my family has gone into a wonderful process of healing and renwal and I love and cherish them all for doing the best they can.

About my father, the one I thought was a selfish and egocentric person is a young (baby) soul experiencing itself and fulfilling its own desires, just like a child who wants to continue and play even when his mother is calling him to do chores. I feel for this soul and I wish him all the best, I know that with time, he will move forword and be more attentive to others. But his presence is not needed for me. I keep remembering this song -


"Words, don't come easy to me, how can I find a way, for me to say : 'I love you' , words don't come easy.."


Thank you all for your sharing ~

[CdnSirian]

Posted by Meesh (here)
I'm surprised, and somewhat saddened, that this very, very, important thread has only 3 pages of contributions so far. By way of comparison, the Mitchell Combes thread now has 24 pages. I'll step out on a limb
and say that this thread is the most important thread on the forum right now. It's about personal transformation and offers an opportunity to wake up!

ok, rant over.

This is a very difficult subject - I suspect many more are reading than thanking or responding. Some simply cannot.

[nomadguy]

Posted by CivilDawn (here)

Posted by nomadguy (here)
How do I forgive one that continues to do harm?
I do not know if he intends to, but somehow the way his personality is behaving the way he is now is destructive and coarse.
More news of distance menacing comes overtime. My thinking is that he must have a vendetta.
I had already come to terms with the idea that he could be a royal sh*t. But the part that gets me is why?....
I am finding it very difficult to heal this wound as it is still sustaining more damage.
Any advice?

nomadguy,

Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not a Get Out of Jail Free card. Acceptance of what is, or what has happened, including all the pain and misfortune we gather from our experiences, allows us to lighten the load in that giant garbage bag of shi*t we carry over our shoulders every day we are alive.

Not taking it personally is something else that I've found to be helpful. They have formed their own reality around their own beliefs about what is. Therefore, often times, they have copious amounts of destructive behaviors gained from their past. They have chosen this for themselves.

Forgiveness will not remove the chances of further suffering, but despite all the emotional cuts, soars and bruises, you may find you feel a little lighter and are able to operate from a place of love rather than resistance and resentment.

Thank you for this there is definitely a value to it, And I also agree with at least one of the comments above that this might be the most important threads going right now.
I recently got myself off of addictive few crutches, cigarettes, booze, coffee and a few other bad habits.
~In doing so I had to face my own inner demons. This was not an enjoyable happening, and even so, I would not take it back for the world. Within those addictive habits was a lot negative energy that led me into negative cycles.

I see the tied up knots of relationships as a way of holding in dark energies. And more so than addictions. I no longer resent my father, rather when he does a thing I don't like, I get mad just like I would with anyone whom had done such a thing. He is a person like I am a person. And we all make mistakes and piss off others. The best I can do so far... Is that I sometimes go into meditation or pray that he may find himself again. The person in him I once knew whom was a loving father.
And not a greedy mind-vampyre.

I had a dream recently where he was in the dream split into two separate people. Both looked like him but were starkly different and the appearance also was slightly different.
One quiet and calm, the real father I have always known. The other was loud mouthed and a nasty distasteful sort, like golem the biker.

I still respect the person he once was. And I still see him that way, regardless of who he has become now, that was his doing and is his own path to deal with, so it is not up to me. Most of that could very well come from his dealings from youth with his own family dynamic.

I still hold out hope that he can find that person within himself, whom he lost touch of. In the dream the real person whom I knew as a child never gave up and always helped out. And I hope this is true in the waking, that he has not completely lost touch with that persona. I very much look forward to the day where he begins to see himself the man he once was, that his children adored.
Until then I feel I must deal with him like I would with anyone. As his behavior is that of a stranger to me.

~ Without turns you rotten, With brings it all together and heals everything ~

[jessamy99]

My world was violent when I was small. I was thrown across the room in the middle of being breast fed. I hid under the bed where my elder brother shoved me, promising not to move until he came. Once I was there for over 24 hours, listening to the bangs and screams. My mother bravely left my father, with 4 of us children. My father continued to be cruel, verbally. After he died, he came to me in a dream and apologised. I loved him in spite of his nastiness. The younger of my brothers also bullied me all my life. He died in 2005 and since then I have felt free for the first time to be myself.
It is strange, so late in life to try and find my feet and who I am after all this time.
I am now making bridges with cousins and it is refreshing to find them loving.
Thankyou Bill for this thread.
I think we all have so much to say about our families, it is hard to know where to start!

With love, jessamy xxxxxx

[Bill Ryan]

Posted by CdnSirian (here)

Posted by Meesh (here)
I'm surprised, and somewhat saddened, that this very, very, important thread has only 3 pages of contributions so far. By way of comparison, the Mitchell Combes thread now has 24 pages. I'll step out on a limb
and say that this thread is the most important thread on the forum right now. It's about personal transformation and offers an opportunity to wake up!

This is a very difficult subject - I suspect many more are reading than thanking or responding. Some simply cannot.

I'm quite sure this is the case.

I know one Avalon member, who has had the most extraordinary (positive!) experience, who has not yet found within themselves the words to contribute -- which they most definitely want to. I'm certain there are many more.

[astrid]

Last night when i checked my phone before going to bed
i had 2 missed calls from my Father..
Now he as called me maybe less than a dozen times in 47 years,
no exaggeration..

So threads like these are powerful things as they concentrate, focus and dig to the surface what
is hidden, buried and denied, via the group being able to hold the space for those
that have found it difficult to do for themselves, ( for whatever reason).
For me.. it was a case of not really having the skill set to deal with what was in
front of me,
and so much of that has changed. Sure safety is a valid and primal concern that
can't be just ignored.
But there are also ways around that, like taking a friend with you. Also, there is always that possibility that
those involved have genuinely seen the light and are indeed sorry for their part in the dance.. for while
they do need to be given a chance to say sorry. I guess to allow then that opportunity is a true gift of love.

So....yes its time for me to revisit this whole family issue.

It was too late last night to call him, but today i will return his call,
and will share what happens.

Again, thank you Bill and all for this "opening" it's truly a gift.

[astrid]

Btw... this whole issue, is very much "supported" by the current very powerful
alignments we are in this week.
Tom Lescher sums it up perfectly in his last report.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=hvEYl9ZO3GV

He just happens to be also in a very Avalonian place.
no accidents.

Kind of digressing, but it very much explains why the time is now..

Like.. you might have thought that there was no way in hell that such a
reconciliation might ever occur, but if you put your energy into such things
at the right time, the door is already opened.
Like my Father calling me yesterday.

[Rocky_Shorz]

the most important truth I could ever share with all of you that are hurting is Forgiveness comes from within, not the actions of others...

soo many carry pain waiting for a sorry, but you can let it go yourself, so they don't "owe" you...

forgive and forget is the secret of happiness...

[bogeyman]

I have to say, even though this may sound harsh, I will be relieved when some of my relative are deceased. My mother is in a nursing home now, she had a mental brake down, of cause my father blamed it on us, never himself. I did try to get her away from my father, and it work for a few years, but with his manipulative behavior she went back to him, and so she went down hill, now she is in care. He still visits her, which I find sicking. My brother in law (soon to be ex) is going through a divorce, and my sister is transferring all the violent events and emotional trauma, towards him and blames him for it, never her self. My family never look at themselves, its like a constant merry go round. As regards my mother, it will be a blessing when she passes on, this world hasn't offed the best for her, I know she was rapped by my father, and more than likely other members of my family. The psychiatric stated, that I shouldn't try to bring up the past, with my mother, she will not be able to deal with it. She never had any personal effects until recently, she was used and abused, so was I. I used to hide under the bed, and in the wardrobe to escape the dreadful environment I lived in. School was almost as bad, since I couldn't mix, I got targeted, so I was burning both ends of the candle and no where to run, except be by my self.