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Thread: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

  1. Link to Post #121
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Sometimes reconnecting is not a a good idea.

    Last year my ex-husband contacted my sister with the excuse he wanted to see her kids and reconnect with them. I left him back in '97 because he loved gambling far more than he did me. He was also very controlling and insecure. He loved to play mind games as well. She agreeed to see him, so he came over a few days later. She said it was a strange visit as he seemed to have a hidden agenda. He asked about me and if I was still living at the same place. She said yes. Thankfully she didn't mention that I was planning on putting my place up for sale soon as I was going to move to a different town to live with my sweetheart. She just said that I was still seeing him.

    My sister & I both agreed he must still be gambling as he was renting a basement bedroom in a house on an acreage even though he had been working at the same place for several years. Why live in those conditions if you can afford more? She didn't see what he was driving, but noticed there was a big oil spot that wasn't there before after he left.

    We're also pretty sure that if he knew I was selling my place or that I was not in a relationship he would have tried to get in touch with me. Probably to give me a sob story and try to get back together and if I wasn't interested, at least to get some money. I can't help feeling I dodged a bullet!

    Interesting that she never heard from him again
    Last edited by Snookie; 8th September 2012 at 17:36.

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  3. Link to Post #122
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    How about reconnecting with old friends?

    My sweetie and I had just returned home from a trip about a month ago and there was a message on our voice mail from a girl I hung out with in high school. We had not seen each other for about 30 yrs! I called her back and she said she'd like to come for a visit. She lives 4 hrs away. We decided the next weekend would work for both of us.

    I was a bit nervous ... What do you say to someone you haven't talked to for that long - and for a whole weekend? Well she came and we rememised and BS'd about everyone & everything we could think of. I showed her pictures of my beautiful daughter who passed away at 10 weeks from a congenital heart defect and we had a good cry. She showed me pictures of her 2 grown kids and her husband. My friend and neighbor came over to meet her. She said later we looked very comfortable with each other.

    During the weekend we decided we should try looking up other friends we both had back then. We left a message with one person we both hung out with. When she left we agreed to meet at a central location with her cousin (who I was also friends with). After she got home she emailed me to say she got ahold of another mutual friend who wants to join us. I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone again!

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    What a wonderful thing.

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    I’m the oldest of five, we all have children and our children have children. The chances of disagreement are guaranteed. My own personal philosophy is that you’ll always get a cup of tea at my door.

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  9. Link to Post #125
    United States Avalon Member Knowrainknowrainbows!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Quote Posted by Dancerrose (here)
    I’m the oldest of five, we all have children and our children have children. The chances of disagreement are guaranteed. My own personal philosophy is that you’ll always get a cup of tea at my door.
    This is a GREAT idea! I am the youngest of six. Parents passed early in life, siblings spread out and 2 died within 13 months of each other....
    Life is, among other things, bitter sweet. But, Dancerose, I really appreciated this concept. thanks for sharing!!!
    KRKR

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    After reading the first page of this thread I went outside and, eventho she is miles and miles away, told my sister that I forgive her. I will never see her again because she is a complete drunk and very toxic. I do have to protect myself.

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    there is not one day that i do not long the love of my family, hope has become a fragrance, a special image within my soul, i imagine a caress, the hand of my mother, then i remember her letting go, there are so many things that we need in life, the thing is that those of us that do not understand the need of those that need it the most

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Quote Posted by truth4me (here)
    I have tried to "reach" my father but it won't work. So the best way for me is to stay away from my him. My grandson just like us all are members of the HUMAN race. Yet,I still need to make peace somehow with my father for he is getting up in years. I really don't know what to do.
    My suggestion would be to stay in touch with your father anyway -- you'll never get through to him by staying away, and besides, you love him. Have coffee or lunch with him once in awhile, when your grandson is nowhere in sight. Be kind and gentle with him, and try to remember that he grew up in a very different world than you did. Let him know how the child is doing and that you enjoy him, but don't push it. If it were me, I would also refuse to listen to any racial rants. Your father is the only one who can change that attitude; all you can do is to offer him an alternative. My two cents worth --
    Mary
    Last edited by Bill Ryan; 19th May 2013 at 00:31. Reason: Fixed quote formatting

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  17. Link to Post #129
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    This thread, in connection with the information on the upcoming eclipse of May 25, 2013, speaks deeply to me.

    It seems the signs are all pointing in the direction of releasing toxic emotions, and healing relationships. Getting to the truth and allowing it to shine forth.

    I'm in a situation like some of those mentioned.

    There's a toxic family member who causes conflict and infects others with poison, anger, and hatred.

    This family member has a pattern of badmouthing people and making them into pariahs.

    It's really sad, on the one hand, that people listen to this person -- the individual kept a colleague from getting work by badmouthing the person to potential employers.

    And now that same person has been apparently badmouthing me for years.

    I've got to come forward and correct the impression this person has made. It's important for me to do this, because by causing conflict, this person has managed to control the entire family.

    I think part of the reason may be to keep other family members from finding out about this person's poor character -- no one in the family would support that kind of behavior if they knew about it.

    Also, the other party appears to be struggling with severe mental health issues -- and owning up to bad behavior -- horrendous behavior -- also means owning up to distorted and delusional thinking.

    The hardest part of it may be to let the other family members know I forgive them. I forgive them because they didn't know any better, and because they relied on someone to give them the truth, and the person they trusted let them down.

    I don't know that they will understand. They aren't used to turning the other cheek. They are used to anger and finger-pointing. I sure hope this situation will help them to change that.

    The way I see it, there's no point in getting angry at them for not having the emotional maturity to check out the person's stories instead of merely accepting them. That's why I don't gossip, by the way.

    Anyway, I just wanted to share this.

    I think the time has come in the upcoming week, with this eclipse, to let the truth be exposed and to heal.

    All of you dealing with this issue -- you have my blessings and my best wishes for a smooth healing transformation in all your relationships.

    And thanks for listening.

    ~ Hypnos

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  19. Link to Post #130
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    I dared to send this thread to my brother and to my sister, and especially what I wrote here in regards to my family -

    https://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...l=1#post536595

    I would like to reply to my brother's response to that here, and not privetly as I know they will be able to read it.

    My dear brothers, Thank you for reading my post and for finding the time to relate to it. why now? because I feel now is the right time for us to touch these things. It is not yet a year since we lost our mother, it is so easy to move on and continue with the routine in our life, it is not as comfortable to stop for a minute and take a look at ourselves. Yes, we have been going through very confusing things in our childhood, in an understatement and it left us with some scars that we are trying our best to conceal. Maybe it is just my own need to to take a shared look at it now, even though we discussed quite a lot, in order to clean this place. Brother, It was a pleasure for me to read your email response, as you revealed your anger and it does not happen often.. and your saying that you feel threatened by your own need to break this patteren.
    I know you can. You are a really caring dad.

    Inspite of the title, I hope that we will never be alienated. I know we won't

    I thank Bill for allowing this opportunity here. Healing is always needed. Dear members, don't let this thread disappear

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  21. Link to Post #131
    United States Avalon Member Mike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    i'm in a the very awkward position of wanting to apologize to an old friend for treating him poorly, but i'm really not interested in being friends again.

    what to do?

    one will inevitably follow the other, right? or so he'll assume.

    he's a big drug user, what you might call a toxic personality. a good heart though. not a bad guy at all - I just don't want to resume the relationship for obvious reasons.

    ive tried to envision the conversation, and I always get stuck at the same spot: "hello Mike, it's Mike. yeah listen, i'd really like to apologize for what went on several years ago, and...wait, what's that?...meet for a few drinks at the bar later?...no, sorry, i'm not interested in beings friends, see, just wanted to apologize..."

    it just won't work.

    any advice?

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  23. Link to Post #132
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Chinaski, oh, god, why it takes us so much time to learn to speak authentically, and say exactly what we mean? No reply is needed as I don't have the answer myself. but your real answer lays within the question.

    Try integrity.
    Last edited by Limor Wolf; 6th November 2013 at 19:32.

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Hi. I feel drawn back to this thread, as my father passed away yesterday. I release all grudges and fill his spirit with love to set him free. Much interferences were invloved with my family's surrounding, a micrososm and a mirror to the 'behind the scenes' of interferences around the world and within our society, a dual dance of outside playings with energetics, where one of the dancer's participating doesn't even know they are on the dancing floor and are being led.

    Very thankful for Bill opening this thread and hope it can revive itself with other's sharings and stories of reconciliation with family members, if only inside our hearts ~
    Last edited by Limor Wolf; 5th November 2015 at 07:41.

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Quote Posted by Limor Wolf (here)

    Thank you also, dear Bill, perhaps you like to spare your thread and move the warm hearting responses of support to a separate thread
    Yes, that's a good idea. I copied your post immediately above to this new thread, and moved all the very kind replies.

    My Father's Passing, and a healing that has ensued

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Quote Posted by Mike (here)
    i'm in a the very awkward position of wanting to apologize to an old friend for treating him poorly, but i'm really not interested in being friends again.

    what to do?

    one will inevitably follow the other, right? or so he'll assume.

    he's a big drug user, what you might call a toxic personality. a good heart though. not a bad guy at all - I just don't want to resume the relationship for obvious reasons.

    ive tried to envision the conversation, and I always get stuck at the same spot: "hello Mike, it's Mike. yeah listen, i'd really like to apologize for what went on several years ago, and...wait, what's that?...meet for a few drinks at the bar later?...no, sorry, i'm not interested in beings friends, see, just wanted to apologize..."

    it just won't work.

    any advice?
    Mike, my advice would be to write him a letter by old-fashioned snail mail. That way you get to take as long as you like crafting exactly everything you want to say; you do not get interrupted with contradictions or misunderstandings; and your friend gets all the time he needs to take in the full meaning of what you are saying. He would know that he would be wasting his time replying, and might eventually understand and accept both your need to apologize and your need to end your friendship.

    Edit: Just noticed your post was not three days old but two years and three days old: I hope you got this business sorted long ago.


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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    I was having a conversation with good friends just yesterday about issues related to this. It's quite an important topic — maybe very important for some people! — and so I really wanted to remind us all that this thread is here.


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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    I have found that at times it is simply impossible to "reconnect" with certain people because one no longer exists on the same plane they choose to remain in, so there is not even a starting point!! I think back on all the energy I wasted trying to reconnect with my Father when he was in his second marriage. Some things are just not possible. If one wants to continue to grow & mature, one leaves behind old behavioral patterns & simply no longer "fits" into certain circumstances. It is a hard lesson to learn, that we cannot change other people! There comes a point when one just has to "let go" & move on, doing what is best for one's own health.

    Perhaps this is why so many of us have been "led" to Avalon?


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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Quote Posted by Meesh (here)
    I'm surprised, and somewhat saddened, that this very, very, important thread has only 3 pages of contributions so far. By way of comparison, the Mitchell Combes thread now has 24 pages. I'll step out on a limb
    and say that this thread is the most important thread on the forum right now. It's about personal transformation and offers an opportunity to wake up!

    ok, rant over.
    I will agree with Meesh on this. Right now I'm the only Avalon member perusing this thread. I have a ways to go (i.e. I want to finish reading first) before I contribute. This is a hugely important thread, and one that touches each of us - not just regarding family members, but other people (business associates, friends, etc.) with whom we are disconnected and with whom healing, forgiveness and moving forward is hugely needed. Thanks for bumping it, Bill.
    Last edited by DebJoy; 1st May 2017 at 18:48.

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    I've been thinking about this recently too. Pot bound plants came to my mind. Some people just seem to like having a pot around their roots and will scream bloody hell if you ever tell them how silly it looks.

    There's even those who worship the god of Bonsai
    ..................................................my first language is TYPO..............................................

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Sometimes we think that "healing" is when everyone gets back together and is friendly and lovely. But that can be a trap!

    In actual fact, true healing can occur when the situation no longer draws you back in, you no longer rehash the story in your mind, and you're at peace - however you are NOT back together. When you truly heal, you are no longer attracted to the toxic people, nor they to you (though they might try in the beginning). It just doesn't resonate any more.

    During a South American plant medicine ceremony with "San Pedro", I was asked as an elder (someone 52 years old and older) what my "elder" words of wisdom were. I responded that I had no words of wisdom, that my life was a perfect example of what NOT to do. When the shaman persisted though, I shared that it was most important to "JUST SAY NO" - say no to bad relationships, bad family setups, bad marriages, bad jobs, bad career choices, bad restaurant choices, bad clothes (super high heels? really!) whatever. This really resonated with me. I hadn't said no to SO much in my life, and was constantly living MY life according to others' choices for me, whether consciously or not. I just didn't feel I had a voice though many would assert that I did - see it really wasn't MY voice when I didn't know what ME was all about. When one of the facilitators said to me, "Oh but it is important to say no WITH LOVE", I immediately turned to her and shouted, "F*ck NO!" Boy did that resonate with some young gals in the ceremony! See that was the trap - I'd always felt that I could only say no if it didn't upset any one, if only I said it with LOVE for everyone. But I didn't realize that I didn't include myself in that equation since I'd never really gotten to know myself. So I didn't say NO, over and over again, and those were some of the biggest acts of non-love towards ME. (Ever been told you had to be that "good girl"?) So I said yes to choices that never truly resonated with me, because I couldn't be responsible for the resulting upset - even though I sacrificed my life and liveliness as a result. Go figure.

    I came from a very toxic family, although on the surface things looked "perfect" to onlookers. But it wasn't.

    I was the eldest of 7 children, and was the 3rd parent (figuratively). I took care of the children (doing things way beyond my years), mediated my parents' fights, prayed with my mother on how to handle a drunken husband when he came home, and "protected" the children. There was much physical abuse, probably a good measure of emotional abuse, and potentially sexual abuse. There was definitely a dampening and blanketing of individual energy and initiatives since that would go counter to maintaining the family scene. The individual was not important - the family was all important. I got sucked into pretending that all was well, although I knew it wasn't, I just couldn't surface to that conscious realization. I was just a child. I was isolated from society in many ways, and indoctrinated in narrow belief systems, even though now I can look back and see how I was breaking out of the mold even back then. My true essence was "leaking out" in many ways, but on the surface I still subscribed to a very narrow view of life.

    When I went away to college, my siblings thought I was abandoning them. I guess I was escaping - I even said I was going to the 'furthest point in the geographical USA' to attend college. My parents divorced at that point - apparently I didn't hold them together. My siblings and my mother blamed me for that. Even years and decades later.

    My mother insisted that my siblings and myself NOT see our father any more when he remarried 10 years later - now that they had seen what he had done. Or not see her. Huh? They all agreed to not see our father again, except for me. So now, my mother insisted that my siblings not be in touch with me. They agreed. And were in great fear of reprisals from her if they disobeyed. Which they rarely did, and only in great secrecy.

    In retrospect, I was full of fear yet acted out of much bravado. I tried to make my life "perfect" but it was a shambles. I executed the wrong strategies perfectly (marriage, career, etc.) until they totally fell apart. I just wasn't street-smart, and it was easy for me to make decisions that truly didn't support me. Heck - I didn't even know who I really was. Yet I started breaking away from old thought patterns, and started exploring new ideas, which in many ways felt sacrilegious to me. That took a lot of courage. While I can see spurts of this happening when I was in my teens and early twenties, it really took off when I was about 28-32. And has continued to this day.

    I had to make hard choices - I told my mother that I intended to see my father, and she has only spoken to me a few times in the last 33 years - each time I initiated the conversation. And I have seen her once, but again I initiated, and it was very obvious from the continued toxic output from her that my healing was in learning to be happy AWAY from her. It was the right decision in retrospect, though a sad one. However, the poison from her continued to spread to my children, and there are issues there now. But I had always known that I would only be with them until they were 18 (which shocked me) and I have realized that I am responsible for extricating myself and being a good example, and my siblings/children/parents are responsible for themselves. That was hard for me to grasp too, since I'd always been the responsible one who had successfully solved problems across the board. Maybe they were all waiting for me to step up and solved it all for them and make the "happy family".

    So for me, it was about letting go.

    My biggest lessons in life have been when I realized that "I was OK, and didn't need to change" and therefore I had permission to leave the situation - bad relationship, bad job, bad career, bad friendship, etc. Over and over again, that has been the lesson in the forefront when I finally realized what needed to happen next in my life. Sometimes it took years to realize that once again as I learned this lesson in deeper and more profound ways.

    By the way, my father and I healed our relationship, shortly before he died. Apparently my role in his life was to teach him how to give and receive love. (He was an alcoholic, gambler, irresponsible, controller, and rarely present in his children's lives - though he was there much more than he was given credit for) This healing happened in the last few months before his passing. My only regret there was that he died shortly after this was accomplished, and I wish that I could have had him longer.

    To have stayed in relationship with my mother, siblings, children would have been to have accepted toxicity and abusiveness in mine. Although I made various attempts, it was apparent that they were too willing to accept without questioning the poison presented to them. My brother even said one time, "Geez, if you keep hearing something over and over again, you accept it as true." And he was unwilling to open up to a different view. There is ONE truth but an INFINITE number of lies, and it felt that I would have to refute the INFINITE lies in order to have an invitation to grace their presence. That was just too exhausting and felt futile to me. There would always be one more drama, one more lie, one more divergence from being able to be in a healthy relationship. It was a trap and I wasn't going to fall into it, again.

    So I focused on healing myself, opening myself to the wonders of the world and our universe, and as a result I have attracted the most amazing people into my life. That would never have happened if I had stayed stuck in the old paradigm that I SHOULD (quit "shoulding" or "sh*tting" on yourself) heal my family relationships in order for me to be truly happy.

    Now that may happen in the future but I'm not holding my breath. I have reached out and they never respond any more. I don't even have contact info for some of them any more. My focus in life now is quite different, and if they choose to engage with me, I have learned what works for me, where my boundaries are, and how to engage with love, compassion and also rejecting nefarious dramatic manipulations. I love each and every one of them. I have forgiven each and every one of them (oh my the processes it took there!).

    And I'm going to say this is MOST IMPORTANT --- I love ME and have forgiven MYSELF - typically I don't find myself to be in those toxic spaces with toxic people any more and I'm not attracted to them, nor them to me (usually) That's big progress on my part. I'm not responsible for their unfolding, their corrections, their ultimate happiness - they are. I'm not their savior, the one responsible for it all. And I'm here should they choose to reach out. To be friends, not their counselor.

    At times I have felt guilt for leaving all that behind. That old-time conditioning is tough to break completely.

    I am so appreciative for all the lessons I have learned as a result of being raised/lived in this environment. I was always encouraged to draw on talents/resources/abilities that I didn't realize I did have, and developed many of those abilities in far greater ways than I would have normally done. I developed a sense of independence, inner strength, faith in God/Spirit/Universe, and confidence in my intuition and ability to say NO to authority (mother, father, boss, grandparents, government, corporations) since I became my own authority (and I reached out to MY resources to inform and educate me). I learned much about manipulation, mind control and how to see beyond the pretty picture. I have extricated myself from religious conditioning while preserving the best there. I'm not afraid to stand up to bullies and I do it well.

    And as I move forward in my new life (which has been unfolding since I was 28-30 years old), I have realized that many lessons continue to deepen for me. However, if I had NOT learned these family lessons well, then I believe I'd still be attracting the same type of people in my life - I am not. And if there's a deeper sense of these lessons to be learned, then it will show up and I will learn it.

    I hope I haven't blathered on too much, and I do hope that what I've shared resonates with many of my dear Avalon friends.
    Last edited by DebJoy; 1st May 2017 at 22:23.

  40. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to DebJoy For This Post:

    aoibhghaire (1st May 2017), Bill Ryan (2nd May 2017), boolacalaca (1st May 2017), Foxie Loxie (2nd May 2017), Iloveyou (1st May 2017), littleOne (2nd May 2017), Matthew (30th March 2023)

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