Need a piece of advice, please. (How to deal with religious parents-in-law?)

[TargeT]

I've been in this situation off and on my whole life, from many different religions.

I've found it's best to just state that "I believe" but am not a fan of organized religions & that all belief should be a very personal thing; though I am not an atheist per-se; if you are I don't see how this tiny deception isn't worth it do smooth the waters with people who seem to obviously want a confrontation.

statements like that make 'them' feel like you are 'one of them' if just a strange version & they seem to leave it alone (for the most part).

sounds like that door is already shut to you however; perhaps you could simply state that you are not comfortable with their line of conversation & would be happy to talk to them about anything else; but if they continue to try to pursue that topic you will have to excuse your self... something very clear like that so they know it's not a topic you are willing to discuss?

[Camilo]

I would say that the best way to go, would be for you to tell them up front how you feel, and that you would appreciate they respect you and your believes the same way you respect them and their believes, in order to be able to live in harmony.

Hope everything will work out to the best for all.

[boja]

Being an Atheist myself, with my Wife being a Christian (Church of England), I can well understand your position.

I respect ALL other religions, and hope for their respect in return.

Unfortunately, some religious people are extremely fanatical and intolerant of others.

Taking all your circumstances into consideration,
I believe that the best solution to your problem, would be to MOVE A SHORT DISTANCE away.
(Not too far, but just far enough - you decide, maybe a few miles).

Good Luck, Boja.

[778 neighbour of some guy]

I really don´t know what to do...You know I´m a very inquisitive and rational person, and it´s really extremely hard for me to keep my mouth shut while practically being obliged to listen to fallacious and nonsensical sermons five days a week.

Oompf, that's quite a conundrum you are in Raf, it can be hard too, I know, my ex girlfriend was very catholic "praying, singing in the choir, confessions, blahdiblah" her parents, mom especially beat me around the ears with how I was a sinner, drinker, smoker, and god forbid, white ( so happy for her she met the NICER me, if she would have known me a few years earlier she would have gotten a heart attack), all of this badgering was very foreign to me, I am a very spiritual person and couldn't care less about what religious or spiritual denomination anyone belonged to, my girl also though they were a bit extreme and we often used to joke about it, but it did have an impact on our relationship and played a part in the end of the relationship, regarding kids, how to raise them, go to church, baptism, and lets not even begin about predestination, abortion and all that other fun stuff etc etc.

This is something I have become very careful about nowadays and will NOT enter a relationship if I can pick up the slightest hint of this ever becoming a problem, so Really man I wish I could be of some assistance to you but I cant, just tread with care, and don't let it ruin your relationship.

[Eram]

Hi Raf,

Looks like quite a challenge you are talking about.

When I read your post carefully, there is one thing that really stands out for me:

I really try to change subject whenever they start to annoy me with their mad rants, but they are gradually pushing me harder and harder...If things continue like this, I´m aware that very probably I´ll loose my temper one of these days and tell them some hard truths, but I also know that if I do that, it would really damage our relationship.

It may look like they are driving you mad with their rants, but in fact (if you look closely), you are driving yourself mad with trying to resist their way of behaving.
Obviously, it is very frightening for them that you have another perspective on life and it is probably too much to ask of them at this point in time to give up on their attempts to persuade you.


another thing:

Everything is ok from my side, really. I always respect people. I´m not the kind of guy who goes around preaching my convictions, and I respect them and their faith. I´m totally ok with that. The thing is, they don´t respect me in return.

When I take into account that you (on occasion) can be somewhat intolerant on the forum to people who post theories that are obvious false (from your point of reasoning) , ..... could it be that you unconsciously are intolerant to their religious beliefs as well?


When I met my girlfriend, it became apparent from the start that I didn't meet her parents expectations in regards to education, career opportunities, social status and what have you.
They have been bugging me with it from day one mostly covertly and sometimes bluntly.
It drove me mad too until I found out exactly why it bothered me so much.
I wanted them to accept me for who I was and I just couldn't accept the fact that they didn't think much of me.
To make it short... I worked on that and at one point, I just gave up on the idea that they had to accept me.
I swear to you that from that day on, they haven't mentioned their objections in any way, or tried to persuade me to start making a career for that matter. I think they still think from their perspective, but somehow, they have come to terms with it since the day that I did.


So what I am proposing here is that you take a close look at what is stirring in you (how you want reality to be) , instead of trying to find a solution externally (trying to get the world to adapt to your wishes).
It can be a difficult thing to do, because you have to come clean with yourself after looking deep into the mirror, but I'm confident that it is something that you have done before and that you can handle an approach like that.

[gripreaper]

Well, they love you and their daughter very much and they don't want to see you go to hell forever. Don't you realize how awful that would be to burn in hell forever? Not only is it their sworn duty, but they really believe, if they cannot prothletyze you into becoming a christian and turning your face away from the one true god, who loves you so much, then they have failed, and their whole paradigm by which they live crumbles.

Yes, to them, it's THAT big. They will not let up. There is NO WAY to reason with them, change their tune, or come to any type of truce, or even some degree of mutual respect. These are not options.

Distance is the only option, sorry to say. Put up with it by taking a stiff drink when they are around and go outside, or change the subject to football. Act like you are obsessed with football or something. Or move.

You want the truth? There are no good options.

[Carmody]

Posted by gripreaper (here)
Well, they love you and their daughter very much and they don't want to see you go to hell forever. Don't you realize how awful that would be to burn in hell forever? Not only is it their sworn duty, but they really believe, if they cannot prothletyze you into becoming a christian and turning your face away from the one true god, who loves you so much, then they have failed, and their whole paradigm by which they live crumbles.

Yes, to them, it's THAT big. They will not let up. There is NO WAY to reason with them, change their tune, or come to any type of truce, or even some degree of mutual respect. These are not options.

Distance is the only option, sorry to say. Put up with it by taking a stiff drink when they are around and go outside, or change the subject to football. Act like you are obsessed with football or something. Or move.

You want the truth? There are no good options.

Yep. You are dealing with the prospect of trying to break a conditioned ego, just by trying to stay on the sidelines. Only they can change themselves. At this point, any resistance on your part, consciously or unconsciously is a direct threat to their ego condition, and will be felt and seen as something that needs to be taken care of, to be dealt with. Obsessively so. right up to the point of ego death, which is such an intense situation for the ego possessed person involved, that it takes that person to the edge of actual life and death as a fully blown immediate struggle (unconsciously so, but projected into their daily reality).

[heretogrow]

Hi Raf,
I am not trying to make light of the situation at all in this suggestion I am offering, although I apologize before hand if that seems so. Since you cannot change them you need to find a way to cope when you are in their presence so that it is not so toxic for you. My suggestion may seem a bit disrespectful but this is what I use to help myself with similar situations. I turn it into a game, or I imagine I am watching a sitcom. I remove myself enough to be an observer that doesn't react. Since these type of conversations are often repetitive and predictable, in my mind I will predict, ok now we will get into blah blah blah within 20 seconds followed by blah blah blah. When it happens inside my head I say ding, ding, ding. WE have a winner! In this, I erase my resistance to the message, and actually anticipate it so my body language remains calm, open and collected. Therefore when they read this energy, there is less incentive for them to carry on the attack. I know it could be seen as a bit dishonest and devious on my part. But it serves to diffuse the tension and takes the focus away from the differences in beliefs and the judgment that sometimes automatically follows. Believe it or not, because you are changing the way their words affect you, sooner or later you end up accepting them for who they are and it won't matter as much.

I also really think that as time passes they will not be able to help but see that you are a decent, thoughtful and great son in law, even though they may continue to try to save your soul on a daily basis.

Best of luck! Just be creative!

[Fred Steeves]

Hey there Raf. It sounds (to me) like one of those instances where it's time to be straight up with the person. Something like a polite but stern:"You know what? You need to back off now".

Short, to the point, and difficult to misinterpret.

Good luck what ever you decide to do.

Fred

[Mark]

Hello, my friend. I feel you.

Posted by RMorgan (here)
Honestly, after reading your replies, I think I´ll just be who I am and pass the problem to them. They´re the ones who´re going to need to learn to live with me and accept me for who I am. They need to put their christian values to practice, after all...Maybe the best thing to do is to press the "I don´t give a damn" bottom and let things work themselves out on their own.

I agree with this course of action. If you want to really float their boats tell them that Jahweh is Enlil, who is also Baal, and that they're all extraterrestrial dieties. Even if you don't do the Sitchin thing explaining the history of their faith usually will make folks like that run away faster than anything else. If it gets really heated and you want to appease them a bit after the trauma, explain to them that Jesus was Enki's son reincarnated, and that is the good side because he made humanity, according to the ancient texts. The required proofs are existent outside of the ancient alien metanarrative and can be explained as just so many mythos, if you want to go that route.

Kinda like fighting fire with fire, but it is confronting religiosity with cultural anthropological alternatives. Good luck, me and my mother get into this all the time, she as a very devout Christian and me being who I am.

Funny thing is, she introduced me to Von Danikens work when I was about 10.

[Maia Gabrial]

What Christians don't realize when they impose their will on another, they are practicing satanism.

[Tesla_WTC_Solution]

Hello Raf, I have a very elderly Catholic father-in-law. He is a piece of work.
I moved from eastern US to the US west coast about 6 years ago, and ended up living in the same house with him soon after his wife died.

It didn't end well. We no longer cohabit. That was actually due in part to extreme financial trouble, but we had numerous run-ins.
My spouse says, his dad didn't even try to convert us. I don't remember being invited to Catholic church once.
Instead, the tack he would take was to guilt and dominate us over petty things at home and even sometimes about our son that we couldn't change (and neither could God).

TV seemed to occupy half the pulpit. Much of what he shouted at us came straight from the trusty screen.
There was very little Bible reading or any constructive religious learning in the home.
The TV noise pretty much annihilated any effort to think outside its box.
I can't imagine that Hell could be a lot worse than living with a religious person who is also antisocial.

Those people tend to use their beliefs as a weapon against those over whom they would normally have no authority.
The trouble with religion is that it's more about social hierarchy than the great hereafter.

I don't think you're going to Hell, bro.
I think we're there already LOL

[Observer1964]

The problem is not so much religion but psychology, their faith or beliefsystem is their worldview, their mental home and they defend that home against anything. You however have a different worldview, wich to them is as an attack on their worldview, and thus they feel the need to defend by offend the other view, as there can be only one truth.

much like in this clip you cant find a middleground.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=8W7cr1h-rH4

even if you succeed, do you really want them or their worldview to collapse?

Anyway, if you do find an answer I would love to hear it, maybe I can use it to save my own marriage
as I am facing similar problems.

[RUSirius]

Hey buddy, I'm sure I cant add more to whats been said, what I'll say is this. Sometimes the only course is to stay the course and let things unfold in whatever manner they do. Dealing with family and religious stuff is really tough. What I know about you, is you know who you are and what you're doing, all the best brother. Sorry I couldn't really help.

[Cidersomerset]

Touchy subject Raf , its difficult to give advice to the delicate subject of inlaws
I've never been in your position as the several sets of 'outlaws' I have experienced
have all been very nice and religion has not come into it at all.

Although if I get into another relationship and the situation should arise
it might cause some awkward moments when I announce we are all
individual 'gods' in our own reality sharing a common experience
with other 'gods' in this multiverse...LOL....

[Deega]

Hi Raf,

Oh!, what a challenge in your hand! I guess you need as much ideas as possible so here is a video on how to deal with annoying person, hope it help!

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=9abADgd_iaY

All the best in this difficult situation.

[kenaz]

Have you tried talking politics (just kidding).

Keeping your sense of humor and being the observer rather participant works for me.
There's so much to learn from watching. You might be able to pick up a solution that's been
there all along. Also find an ally who you can joke with. You aren't the only one getting the
treatment (but beware of the gossip). In our family, since my uncle became a bishop, his
own brothers and sisters give a slight bow to him when he enters the room. Crazy. My brother
and I can riff for hours about our family "the catholic mafia." They provide so much material.

[enfoldedblue]

Hi,

There is a lot of great advice here. Ultimately from my perspective being yourself is key.

One thing that Eram mentioned was to look inside and see why their behaviour has the ability to stir you so much. Now really on the surface it is pretty obvious...they are not respecting you, they are constantly pressuring you to become something that you are not by nature...etc. However, I personally find it useful to view situations that occur in my life as being there for a reason. Rather than just being a victim floating through random experiences of life I choose to look at things as though I, on some level, created the experience because there is something for me to learn from it. I find this perspective empowering and helps me to remain more objective and to grow from whatever experience I am faced with. In this perspectives people who challenge us, can be viewed as teachers (though not teaching what they think they are teaching...lol), rather than adversaries...a bit like Castaneda's petty tyrants.

Good Luck

[Anchor]

I like Gripreapers post and Freds posts.

You are going to have to simply ask them to stop.

If they wont, then you simply need to remain silent.

Take all the energy out of it.

In that silence, will come a solution. ..... (eventually)

All the best to you.

[Lifebringer]

Tell them that you don't want to upset them, but please respect your choices and free will, as you are a very patriotic person, and believe in separation of church and state, and freedom from and of religion. Tell them that it's starting to get as uncomfortable for you, as apparently it is for them. Then tell them all, that you love the freedom to choose or accept God in your life, at your own time, without constant advertising. Then tell your wife, I love you, but the vows were to obey your husband, and you wish to have freedom from pressure of religion. Tell them with the internet available, and the missing books kept out of the texts, you wish to explore at your own pace, in your own time. If they can't respect that, then make plans to leave them all. If you can afford a one bedroom with a backyard of nature, take your wife there. Don't move too far from her parents where she can't get back and forth to work, but they are definitely in your business, regardless of their concern.