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Thread: What's wrong with me?

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    United States Avalon Member LivioRazlo's Avatar
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    Question What's wrong with me?

    After much reading on this website, I feel comfortable talking about this with all of you in the hopes I may nail down and chisel out the issues I'm facing in my life at this current time.

    I want to say that everything began in my senior year of high school. At that time, I was an overachiever: 3.7 GPA, National Honor Society member, top 20 of my class, involved in multiple extracurricular clubs and more importantly, passionate about my artistic and creative nature.

    It was about this time in life that I was chronically smoking marijuana with my friends every chance I got and would spend every dollar I earned on it and became consumed by it. By all means, I do not believe that drugs were the cause of my issues, just a way to escape the dysfunctional family I came from.

    For many years after graduating high school and being kicked out of college for low grades and a few citations for possession of marijuana, I continued to use the drug as well as experiment with others. I learned how to cultivate psilocybin (magic mushrooms) and was opened up to a whole new "reality". I honestly couldn't believ some of the things I experienced and began have deep discussions about God, life, and everything in between. Close friends couldn't stand when I would go off on one of my tangents, I assumed it was either because they didn't feel as I did, or, just didn't care.

    In about 2010, I was arrested for possession of a narcotic and spent three sobering months in jail. It was at this time I learned who my true friends were and that family was all I really had. Since this incident I have continued being sober and sought to create a future where I would be successful (in my own mind)and be the man I was meant to be. The only issue is, I feel like I have lost the passion for everything in life that made me once love it so much. At this moment, I could say that I'm very lethargic and will only accomplish what needs to be done as late as possible. I don't draw anymore, read or write or have the drive to educate myself further to have a decent career. I see all my friends having children and settling down and here I am still single and living on my own, not really envious or jealous of what they have, but finding myself wishing it was my time.

    A close friend of mine had suggested that I could have ADD/ADHD. At hearing this, I became worried and studied up what I could from articles found on the Internet. I took 4 self-tests which told me that I exhibited symptoms and characteristics of someone who has adult ADD. I became a little worried because honestly, I don't want to be evaluated by some psychologist and prescribed pills which will dumb me down and take what little life I have left in me.

    My question to the community, have any of you found yourself in a somewhat similar situation and how did you pull through it to regain the essence of who you are back?

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    New Zealand Avalon Member Carmen's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    I have no personal experience of what you have experienced but I'd say that the drugs have done what the controllers of this realm intend them to do, dumb down the people, especially the young ones. Make them lethargic, hopeless and controllable! You are going to have to create a new reality for yourself, day by day, moment by moment. Go back in your mind to when you were alive, passionate and succeeding. Live to in your mind until you become it. Fake it till you make it.

    I'll probably be jumped on here for saying that marijuauna is ****, but it is. Give it up, for good. Good luck. Your life is what you make it. You just have to re-make yours. And you are young enough to do it.

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    United States Avalon Member LivioRazlo's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    Quote Posted by Carmen (here)
    I'll probably be jumped on here for saying that marijuana is ****, but it is. Give it up, for good. Good luck. Your life is what you make it. You just have to re-make yours. And you are young enough to do it.
    Oh I have Carmen, three years ago and sober since. I'm just confused on what my life is supposed to mean and how to regain what I used to have back. You've brought up some interesting points and I will ponder on this. Thank you for the insight.

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    Netherlands Avalon Member GaelVictor's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    You don't realize in what an excellent position you are as to really getting to the point of getting to know yourself on multiple levels.
    Your path is clear to me, it's not random or ADD driven at all, you are on the path to self cognizance..

    Read Gurdjieff's "Meetings with remarkable men" followed by "Life is real only then, when 'I AM'" that will get you on track
    "Dodecahedron; 12 faces 20 points 30 edges 6480 degrees"

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    United States Avalon Member LivioRazlo's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    Thank you Hatemachines, I will be ordering these from Amazon hopefully by the end of the week and will get right on reading them!

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    Australia Avalon Member Anchor's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    Quote Posted by LivioRazlo (here)
    My question to the community, have any of you found yourself in a somewhat similar situation and how did you pull through it to regain the essence of who you are back?
    Personally no, not drug related, but other crisis of motivation related.

    > What's wrong with me?

    Perhaps not as much as you might think!

    The fact that you can post a thread like this, strongly indicates to me that you are about to make a constructive choice about how you take your life forward.

    All power and blessings to you in that.

    Most of my friends who went down this path got to a point where they had a clear choice. Some didn't make it and their remaining incarnation was a harsh, rapid spiral to the end. Most of them did make it and they now bring a deep wisdom to the world (as I feel you will do in due course).

    In order to do that effectively they had to thoroughly clean themselves up.

    Good food, good exercise, no drugs, no alcohol, lots of nature and a tendency towards those activities which are of service to other people in some way. A common theme was forms of spiritual work - practices, learning and seeking.

    I can't advise you on ADD/ADHD. These conditions, like all of them are what I call distortions, and that which is distorted can be made undistorted.

    Healing is possible for all things. Creating the best conditions in your body for that healing to take place is - as you have concluded, is something best to be tried by yourself first; but do not completely disregard the assistance of a properly motivated, holistic medical professional - even if they do use chemical tools.

    You sound like a typical wandering soul who has had a rude awakening into a wider reality. Take it easy, everything will work out. If you need help, ask for it.

    You are not a loser.

    I dont know where you stand spritually, but have an energetic hug and a friendly hand on the shoulder from me. If I were there now, I would be giving you a bit of a lecture on this, so its just as well I have a keyboard in the way
    Last edited by Anchor; 11th September 2013 at 06:40.
    Those of the positive polarity are of service when by action or thought or even intention, another entity or the self is freer to seek his or her own path than before the intended service was performed. --L/Leema

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    Avalon Member meeradas's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    As trivial as it may sound: Do you work out?
    If nothing helps, turn to the physical (you're in a body, put it to use).
    As little as 10 minutes daily (yes, make it a habit) can change a lot.

    PS: Comparing yourself to sth you don't wanna have/be doesn't make sense, does it. Look ahead.
    Last edited by meeradas; 11th September 2013 at 06:44.

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    Netherlands Avalon Retired Member
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    ..........................
    Last edited by Mu2143; 19th March 2015 at 02:19.

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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    There are 2 ways for pharmaceutical companies to make money - 1. they have to came up with new drugs and 2. they have to came up with new diseases

    ADD/ADHD is deception, way to make children addicted on chemical supstances..
    This is not my oppinion only - before his death, father of ADHD Leon Eisenberg admitted it was a fictitious disease.
    http://www.naturalnews.com/040938_ad...sychiatry.html

    If you want to regain the essence of who you are back - stop thinking that something is wrong with you, that youre ill. Find your sppirituality in nature.
    As a child, I was always very enthralled with stories of magic, fairies and mysticism. As I got older, I retained that sense of wonder when connecting with nature. Nature has its own way of keeping the balance

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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    .......................
    Last edited by Mu2143; 19th March 2015 at 02:19.

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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    Hi LivioRazio! I went through a very difficult time in my early twenties, a real 'dark night of the soul' type journey. I believe those who actively seek spiritual advancement must sometimes be forged through this type of fire at some point...it may necessary to move to the next level.

    Yes, I didn't feel like doing anything that I knew was beneficial for me, a very strange time, I felt I had very little control over my life and was just responding to events. I think it is important to not be down on yourself, to try to nurture yourself (I think Meerdas' suggestion of excersise program is good, or cleaning), and to be patient as you transit this period.

    From your post, I wouldn't say you have any issues to worry about (ADHD pigeon hole). Remember that your journey in this life is totally unique to you...it's no good comparing yourself to anyone else, that will always lead to dissatisfaction!

    So I guess the short answer is...There's nothing wrong with you!

    Good luck and Hare Krsna
    Last edited by Lettherebelight; 11th September 2013 at 07:10.

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    United States Avalon Member LivioRazlo's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    Man, I cannot express how insightful all of you have been. It almost seems the wait time for a moderator to approve my membership was nothing compared to the plethora of information each of you hold. To answer some of your questions, Meeradas, I haven't worked out for quite some time. In fact the last time I worked out was while I was spending time in jail, since that's the only real thing to do. And at that time, I feel that it did 'clean out' my body in the proverbial sense. After I was released, I came into employment with IBM doing technical support services for Apple and I gained at least 85 to 95 pounds because it's a sedentary job. This is my own fault and I blame no one else for my conditions. I recently quit this job after three years because I felt my dedication was never appreciated and the stress was ruining my life. Here lately in the past couple of months, I guess I could say that my subconscious has been telling me that I need to quit smoking cigarettes, eat healthier and start working out. I'll ponder upon what I have thought and want to make the change, yet do not take action.

    Anchor, I do appreciate the insightful information you have laid out to me. I have been attending a non-denominational Christian church and I enjoy volunteering when I can. I feel that I need to break out of this shell I've built around myself in the sense that I feel I'm above or better than others because I 'think outside the box', or see a different perspective. I guess that comes with being an Aquarian. I look forward to any and all information you may be willing to share, as I feel that this website is what I've needed to find for quite some time. Honestly, I cannot even remember how I found this website, probably searching for information about E.T.'s or the like and after reading many of the forums and posts, decided that I needed a membership. Will definitely be donating to the sites upkeep shortly.

    Mu2143, I do recall being vaccinated as a child and have not had any since then. I know that there are a lot of external distractions in my life, which I do enjoy, such as television, this computer, and video games. I might try to find a balance with these on allotting myself only limited amounts of time, i.e. computer to be used for homework, video games only when homework has been completed.

    Isserley, I did read an interesting article about Leon Eisenberg and how he stated that ADD/ADHD was just something he made up. Funny how some people still believe the lie, or in my case, try to make the lie fit the issues in my life.

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    United States Avalon Member LivioRazlo's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    Quote Posted by Lettherebelight (here)
    Remember that your journey in this life is totally unique to you...it's no good comparing yourself to anyone else, that will always lead to dissatisfaction!

    So I guess the short answer is...There's nothing wrong with you!

    Good luck and Hare Krsna
    Man, you guys are great! I'm trying to listen/watch this video just posted about Philip Corso Jr. and respond to everyone in a timely fashion. Another member that I spoke with on here recommended that I start listening to what I call 'mood music' and meditate for 15-30 minutes a day. I have thought long about this and from all the great responses you all have stated, I guess my subconscious is right and I need to start listening to it more often.

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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    ................
    Last edited by Mu2143; 19th March 2015 at 02:19.

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    United States Avalon Member LivioRazlo's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    Mu2143, I have not seen this particular video that you have posted, but I will be putting it on my 'to watch list' as I have seen a few other videos of his as well as favorited his website and I think he is awesome. As to whether I believe anything he says, well, I take it with a grain of salt. Alex Collier is very intriguing to listen to and I've scoured his website for information on what he has to say. I am uber interested in E.T.'s, expanding my consciousness and spirituality, astral projection and lucid dreaming, conspiracy theories and everything in between. Trouble is, between school and researching everything I find in these forums, I find that there is not enough time in the day for it all and I must pick and choose what interests me most.

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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    There's nothing wrong with you Livio, don't let the events of your life and the current phase you find yourself in let you be pigeon-holed into a psychologists category. Dont agree to any medication that you deep down know you don't need.

    Your story sounds familiar. A high achiever in my early teens and never putting a foot wrong somehow changed overnight, after family issues and huge personal changes got too much to handle. I went from having a promising future into a spiral of dark despair. I was probably seen as a rebel without a cause, from the outside everything was shiney but on the inside I was totally lost.
    I dabbled in just about everything, but formed a close friendship with MDMA which lasted about 8 years. I spent most of that time flitting from job to job, place to place and heart to heart. I got to the point where I didn't really care if I lived or died and just lived for the weekend.
    Then a series of fateful events over the course of a couple of years, kick started by a near death experience completely turned me around. I, accidentally, found a new outlet for my creative abilities which became my new drug, I slowly found a new sense of drive and passion and something to focus my mind on. Then the ultimate changer for me, I had a child.

    Looking back now, I wouldn't change a thing. You only appreciate how sunny and beautiful it really is out here once you step out of that dark cave.

    I think the fact that you have come to the realisation you haven't been in a good place for a while, is the first step to getting away from it.
    If you are a creative person by nature, you will thrive on releasing your passion this way. Maybe start back at the beginning. Remember what it was about your creative abilities you enjoyed so much and start with a child's eyes. Stumble around for a while and try find your passion again. Find a new hobby, a new bunch of friends, anything that will click you out of your rut and into a new direction.

    The fact that you're on here says clearly you have an open mind and know there is more to life than meets the sleepy eye. Its the fact that you know all this, deep down, that you probably got lost in the first place.

    You will look back in 5 years time and see this as a moment of huge change and smile contently to yourself!


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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    a while back there is a similar thread
    http://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...ost-my-Passion

    I have similar experience, lost passion when I am supposed to having the time of my life, on top of a batch of government scholars started making and accumulated 32 AWOL the whole year not counting the AWL. started marijuana, also diagnose with ADD though I simply laugh it off,

    sober for many years kill my ego (well simply make it smaller) started doing house chores and other small things which I enjoy.

    Then turned back to sports, swimming biking basketball, peak 8 exercise, fountain of youth exercise etc. the idea is to keep busy while you lighten up your physical by making it healthy, I knew it is difficult to carry yourself to do something when it is weak, but the moment you feel light enough there will be no stopping. My day starts at 4 or 5 am I do the breakfast for 8 people the laundry the marketing, well not all I also have to teach the children to be responsible, at 8 or 9 am head to work in the farm, 5 to 6 pm back home, do the laundry and cooking again, afterwards play basketball or go biking, visit Avalon. I'm tireless and happy and I was once like you.

    There is nothing wrong with anyone we are simply unique and not better as well.

    And oh yes I love a karaoke session, but no alcohol and cigar and an occasional marijuana.

    I disagree with getting rid of marijuana. it is a tool that you should use responsible like a ....kitchen knife.

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    Australia Avalon Member wolf_rt's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    I can certainly relate to your experience, but unfortunately have not found a way out yet myself, i will keep my eye on this thread.

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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    Hi LivioR. Here´s a video with Scott Kiloby, who has been a long time addict of drugs and alcohol, and who got a
    spiritual awakening. There are many good vids whith him besides this:


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    UK Avalon Member Sunny-side-up's Avatar
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    Default Re: What's wrong with me?

    Hi LivioRazlo I went through the same Phases as you have, but luckily for me no the Jail event!

    I lived for Art and meditation at same time, but to burn so bright can leave you feeling dark and grey afterwards!

    I started my own kind of exercises and worked in circular movements which gelled with meditation, and then I realized my key was BREATHING and exercise and meditation, that refreshed me. I keep a meditative state of mind in daily life and remember to breath well, sounds simple but .

    But there comes a point where because of being the very lucky kind of awake person that you are, well you need to become infused in a great place like Avelon.

    You are very well path'd my friend.

    If you wan't to star reading again do it here

    You will find much Light and Love here, stay tuned..

    Love Light and Hugs, can you feel it, I really mean it


    PS just watched this great ctreative post
    http://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...r-Sights---...

    This could be a great insert into your path, they iE D, Icke is needing help, even artistic creative pep's.
    Last edited by Sunny-side-up; 11th September 2013 at 10:40.
    I'm a simple easy going guy that is very upset/sad with the worlds hidden controllers!
    We need LEADERS who bat from the HEART!
    Rise up above them Dark evil doers, not within anger but with LOVE

  40. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Sunny-side-up For This Post:

    Bubu (12th September 2013), Dennis Leahy (11th September 2013), Eram (11th September 2013), jagman (11th September 2013), LivioRazlo (11th September 2013), mahalall (12th September 2013)

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