The story of an epiphany. Should a toxic person leave a group, or hang in there and change their life?

[Poly Hedra]

Thanks, it's great to read this. Note to self; never ever under-estimate how much of a possibly life-changing effect you can have on a person, just by one act of belief in them from you.

[Flash]

I am usually all for inclusivess, with few exceptions. Some people cannot be handle at all, at anytime (the upper cabal would be in this category, and yet, not all of them), for others the time is not ripe yet. However, all inclusiveness in our decisions and actions, this is usually my motto.

And rejecting someone because of destructive behavior has to be done with an inclusive mind if and only if it cannot be avoided.

What you showed the group of trainers is extraordinary. You showed them what it is to do one's job fully, with intelligence, discernment and passion. They saw the results. They will remember for sure.

You also used your keen sense of observation and integration, which must have been appreciated by the trainers. You set an example for them.

Then, you applied your spirit and values to the whole group of trainees even in difficult circumstances, with a difficult being. And by this, you did your job to the fullest extend, with great results.

A transformative experience will often result from a perceptive encounter with an acceptant (without judgment) other. You were looking for solutions and ways to achieve transformation, there were no judgement there and total acceptance of what is. This is truly transformative for all people involved.

You know, because he told you, that you helped one human transformed himself, yet, you also helped probably hundreds of others, in the organization where they worked, to transform their values and beliefs, because of the impact you had on that one person.

Bill, to me, this story shows what earth could be if we were all to do our given spiritual jobs (which are often down to earth) to its fullest extend, completely involved in the process while maintaining the objectives our spirit/soul gives us.

Congratulation, if your iife would have served only for that men's transformation, it would have been all worth it.

And we know that your life is serving much more.

Helping in transformation is very difficult for anyone, yet, so fulfilling.

I truly enjoyed reading what happened. You are still, right here, helping transformation processes with what you both, the men and you, did at that time.

Thanks

[Tesla_WTC_Solution]

Sometimes it seems easier to try to effect change in others than to change oneself!
Otherwise known as being a Republican! Just kidding, lol!

@_@

Bill, that's a moving story and it sure does cause one to soul-search a bit.
Being in a group really does inspire people -- it's not always easy to understand the group,
but there is always something to learn there.
And occasionally something to give back, hopefully!

It's very nice to hear from someone that you made a positive difference in his life by being gracious toward him when he felt like had nothing to give.
You sure showed him!

[voxpopuli]

Posted by ulli (here)
You have a huge heart, Bill.
This is not meant to flatter you, just some feedback so that you know
that some of us here are aware of how patient and dedicated you really are.

That patience & dedication truly is a gift. Reading Bill's recount of this extraordinary transformation reminds me of something I heard at a training seminar many years ago.

"If you're not in this business to make a lasting positive effect and truly change people's lives for the better each and every day, then it's time to find a new job."

While my industry does not directly address the same sort of self cultivation as Bill's does/did, there still is a very strong connection to self development and the tearing down of walls, thus lifting a veil of sorts & rendering oneself vulnerable. I'm a professional ballroom dancer; I own a studio and teach all sorts of people from all walks of life. The connection between the two industries may seem a bit opaque at first, but if we really examine what it means to learn how to dance (i.e. render oneself completely vulnerable to external observation while expressing one's feelings about a type of music and the emotions that music evokes), it doesn't require such a giant leap to draw a line of comparison. Simply put, both industries look to expose the truth about one's self, and we all know full well that with exposure comes vulnerability. And yet there are people like Bill, people who I hold up high as a paradigm of all I wish to become, who facilitate this exposure in a way that mitigates that sense of vulnerability.

And so maybe this adage that I remembered when reading Bill's post is something that we can all apply to not only our respective careers, but to our everyday lives. Undoubtedly we've all seen our fair share of Joes; imagine how beautiful the world would be if we all decided to be the impetus for positive change. Imagine what this world would be if each of us had the strength, the wisdom, and the HEART to be more like Bill.

As the old saying goes, "Act as if you are the person you wish to become."

Thanks for the inspiration :-)

[CivilDawn]

My God, thank you for posting this. I have spent the last several days thinking about my father, descending into alcoholism and anti-anxiety meds, digging his hole deeper and feeding his gifts to the snakes, and all the while bringing the whole family.. all 7 of us down with him. My mom wants him out, the kids are dealing with it in their own destructive ways and I am not around much to witness it all.

This inclusiveness you speak of is something I must continue to consider, though it seems that everyone would breathe much easier if we sent him on his way. I want so much for him to start climbing so he can take my hand.

I don't mean to make this post about me, as everyone I'm sure everyone has one or more Joe's in their life. Thank you for helping me to remember the importance of allowing and encouraging people to be who they truly are, and to craft creative circumstances that allow them to do so. This couldn't have come at a better time.

[Bill Ryan]

-------

My warmest thanks to everyone for your very wonderful comments!

The last post (immediately above) from CivilDawn reminded me of this thread below. It also contains some astonishing personal stories, which it may be inspiring and encouraging to read:

• Reconnecting with alienated family members

[Angel of the Mists]

We can learn so much from this and experiences like it. Often we are far to quick to rush to judgement. I'm reminded of the iceberg model ......the tip of the iceberg is all we can see and so it is with our behaviour. But underneath that there are thoughts and feelings, attitudes, values and beliefs. I often say to groups I work with that there is always a reason for someone's behaviour. The challenge is to discover that reason, and that needs love and patience and compassion and often time....

I loved what you said Bill about Joe being responsible for his own transformation,as we all are. And some of us take advantage of the chance and some of us don't.

So very true.

Angel of the Mists

[mezz]

what a beautiful story..its sad that there are many people in this world who experience sad and horrible things which can manifest into that person to emanate those things back to others unintentionally.
I personally have experienced something similar many times with various types of personalities where most people would be afraid to hold out their hand.
If only there was more empathy and understanding in this world.
thank you bill for sharing that.
kind regards, mezz

[AriG]

Bill,

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I so needed to hear this story today. I am dealing with a similar toxic personality and this has come as signal for my next steps.

[Flash]

"If you're not in this business to make a lasting positive effect and truly change people's lives for the better each and every day, then it's time to find a new job."

I had a real hard time with this one in my past. In real hard core business, everything is oriented towards the welfare of the company first and the deep pockets of the shareholders. This is very difficult to implement that policy all across. Then, those greedy for power, will find all kind of excuses to justify their decisions either because of guilt or because they get power from such, or plainly because they are so immerse in the brainwashing that they do not see where they are going humanely wrong.

And lots of people think that making a difference is bringing better revenues to employees or shareholders, which is gladly applauded by the latter too.

Few keenly perceive that the main target is not more comfort (in America, we have quite a lot), but keeping and implementing human values, like UNITY, WISDOM, that will make a deep extended and profound change in people's lifes.

Ask a president of a company to do that for its society, he will often be at loss. Or laugh at you if from the Cabal - you are then the stupid one.

[AutumnW]

Posted by markpierre (here)
In the healing game the two most fundamental issues are self acceptance and choice. Presumably choosing healing.
The former makes the latter possible. If you can't stand yourself, it's hard to be fair.
All any healer is, is a facilitator. That's not such a big deal. Who will DO it? That IS a big deal.
It's nice to have a story that you can both share and acknowledge yourself for what you are.
I HOPE you're doing that. It'd be interesting to hear the story the way he'd tell it.

Well said. I think that what so many people, particularly men need from a mentor can be summed up by the expression, "I behold you." Bill beheld the young fellow and he in turn carried the woman who was injured. It's an interesting and poignant metaphorical story.

[Mulder]

I love it when I'm involved with break-throughs and transformations! However, more often than not "toxic" people do not take the opportunities offered to them and I don't get to see the break-throughs

[lastlegs]

All stories are a retelling of truth expressed through the eyes of each new generation. I did not like Cameron's Titanic very much but younger people all adored it. I loved his Avatar and most the concept underlying Pandora's people connection of seeing---looking at everything on the planet, seeing everything as interconnected, and the basis of love as seeing you. I see you just as important as I love you.

[Gatita]

My mother was a very toxic person. The best thing I ever did for myself was to cut off contact with her. She disowned me, but my sanity was worth more than any amount of money or property that I could have inherited.

Cat

[Redstar Kachina]

..........

[Observer1964]

Hey Bill, Why not invite some real screwed up ppl like the Rockefellas and Rothchilds to such a bonfire event?

[bluestflame]

amazing what can happen when we dont try to change people , just be ourselves providing the safe space , they free themselves

[Caylen]

Beautiful story! It proves that transformation can happen to anyone. But this does not always play out this way (unfortunately). It seems to me that you had great intuition, Bill, and sensed that something transformational was going to happen and courageously stood by your feeling. Being around a group of sincere, loving people was this man's medicine and he was ready for that medicine. This soul is very blessed that you stayed committed to your insight!

[TargeT]

Posted by bluestflame (here)
amazing what can happen when we dont try to change people , just be ourselves providing the safe space , they free themselves

Do they?

Maybe if they want to, but self delusion is very powerful, how often does that happen?

Posted by Hathor (here)
Beautiful story! It proves that transformation can happen to anyone. But this does not always play out this way (unfortunately). It seems to me that you had great intuition, Bill, and sensed that something transformational was going to happen and courageously stood by your feeling. Being around a group of sincere, loving people was this man's medicine and he was ready for that medicine. This soul is very blessed that you stayed committed to your insight!

yes, I think this is the most important part; change only comes from within.

[Mark]

Sometimes our definitions of toxic differ from others.

Sometimes people that are toxic to some, are not toxic to others.

Sometimes, we perceive people according to our own preconceptions and intentions, which take our interactions with them down prescribed and limited pathways, with the outcome being inevitable.

Then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as people live up to our low expectations of them, as we've guided them all the way down the primrose path to their own destruction.