2015

[Delight]

Sam dreamed of a wedding that night. He and Djinnia at the altar, she was exquisite, dewy. As they looked at one another, he knew that behind them, there was the farm and the strange but familiar characters, more friends every day he stayed at Margaret's.

Djiinia leaned up and in his ear tickled her voice that was so breezy. She whispered her true name. Then it was his turn and he cradled her face and leaned close. Sam whispered his original name (he just remebered it!) and they were now one and two whose new name was the trinity. They knew their solemn vows meant to honor and cherish their names by living together.

As Abner would say "And there is MORE".

Margaret and he are also marrying as he whispers and she whispers and then and the two divinely feminine beings also. Yes, They are exchanging their names. He hears the three names sounding in the cathedral that now overstretches and the music reaches infinity. He feels more of himself as he stretches to include his "others".

He sees himself there in this great instrument of sound at an earlier moment when he was the chief architect. And both "women" were there but none of the personality and they were as he both male and female. So very strange and not strange.

Djinnia and he have paved the way for life in the very beginning after Empathy and Sol were united in the Djinn.

Megan could explain it well and probably will in night school.

The Djinn are the thesis of solar idea. But they cannot create without the zero of earth and man and woman as "He" impresses on the earthen "clay". The Divine idea was so beautifully ideally cooperative between "heaven and earth". In the old days he recalls as well as having breakfast yesterday, it was like paradise.

Everything he could imagine was there. And still the beings of his benamed are present and they turn in the dream to face the kin and shout" Heaven and earth are revealed and joined in our union".

And Megan was actually aware that she was to play a part in the restoration of Djinnia's clan in 2013 as she wrote about the Divine idea that can only be expressed through man but is not his making. She is contrasting the archon and the djinn.

1.the Djinn can be anywhere anythime. The Archons are trapped in the astral and just around their Mom's body. No one else tolerates them.
2. The Djinn have pure solar consciousness. The archons are unconscious especially of being unconscious.
3. The Djinn gave Gaia great original combinations of genius (like in architecture) when they cooperated with earthlings. The archons only copy (badly as it gets entropied and runs down) and cannot cooperate.
4. The Djinnhave sublime feeling that cannot translate to earth except through humans. The archons have no feeling.
5. the Djinn are individuals. The archons are all alike.
6. They love and the archons have only hate. In the larger picture what this means is by nature Djinn are living and creative and like everything changing as they develop more life. Archons are artificial and have no creativity, no love, just its shadow as reflective of hate. Perhaps they COULD evolve somehow?? (this was written just before the Phoenix miracle).

My summary is that Djinn have been maligned and it has only hurt US. We could use the cooperation to do some awesome revelations of form in function and function in form from the pure Light of solar consciousness.

Sam awakens after the feast. They sit at a table and the three are exchanging secrets. eating little but drinking wine they stay talking but in the language he deciphers slowly (all there in his dream now!). They share the soul depths with their benamed. He now understands the zero and the one and what Djinnia meant by he being the zero. Two zeros and the one. No Matter how many zeros, without one there is nothing. He laughs in his sleep.

[Delight]

Still in the generals of night school, there is an occasional class where one meet with one's guide at the moment and shares "recreating for the first time" a personal symbol. It is how one feels about the symbol seen almost universally as valuable. Students only share after they have created their meaning. They try to ignore what others are thinking so to be as original as possible.

Today Mega considers the cross's meaning. Not a fancy cross, just two perpendicular lines and the center. A vertical bar and a cross bar meeting in the middle. The lines stretch off into infinity but if you join them by a curve, they make the scaffold of a sphere. If you opened out one line, keep the other joined, you then get the look of a circular plane on a vertical axis with a diameter that can get larger and smaller but still on the axis.

"I read somewhere that if earth is one pole, the ineffable or creator would be the other pole of the vertical on a cross. Man is the horizontal cross bar with human polar boundaries like good and evil. It is not very workable as a model. Earth is on a "location" but not the infinite. Does that make exact sense to put finite and infinite in the equation? I don't think so in my model.

What if you wanted to join the horizontal plain so the poles were back into one (no extreme differences and reconciliation to make whole? you could bend the horizontal back to itself and that is a circle. If you imagine "the world" as a plane you are "on" as the horizontal bar, it can widen or slide "up and down" the axis "closer to heaven of to earth".

If creator is infinite, I don't think it would look right to curve creator back and join the pole of finite earth. Sol makes more sense as sol is also finite. Anyway in matter as the sun it has a lifespan. Creator not. So, in my symbol, Earth/Sol creation makes the cross. We actually know about it because we are the consciousness of Creator all throughout, just like everyone. The polarities and the vertical qualities are combined in the centers. This is about the material world.

On the material plane, the cross is Earth and sol on the vertical and man is the crossbar.
My theoretical symbol needs the spherical to make it work.

This symbol is of creation as the sphere of the "world". The world is my world. I power it up by pulling in cretive juice. The ideas of sol and the matter of earth are acted out in each center to the periphery movement. The acting it out is happening universally for beings. Energy is welling up within at the center. The energy radiates out to the periphery. This cross is about having a finite world view.
Creator is the whole sphere. Infinite Creator all of us together. I think the cross means one cannot get out that relationship.

I think the symbol once stood for separation but is changing to mean integration. I will say integration becomes the new Sol/Us/Earth primary form. We are creator, all together...three in One and one in Three.

I would say the "ball" radiates out energy and that is taken back in through some sort of membrane at an energy biology level. Heaven is be the integration of the solar and lunar and creation, all becoming the trinity that makes up creator on our level. Being fractal there will be physics, biology and anything related to spheres and implicit geometries. I want to emphasize that we are all in the center and it is our "cross to bear". Is that funny?"

That these lines meet in the middle is vital to its meaning. Everyone is touching in the middle.

I have thought up that this is important: If you both lines joining as a sphere, you get a sphere that can grow. This is why I think the Earth is a cross symbol as it stands for the sphere being earth with the basic scaffold of to joined lines.


Actually if I imagine that the whole has loose direction and all touches on the boundaries for "writing the plane" in seeming limits. That explains "reality" This ball may change drastically kind of internally bubbling with polarities and all the electrical and magnetic things I do not understand. I am seeing the sphere with the crossed planes containing any possible interaction within of internal polarity experinces. I see colors shooting out from the center where everything meets and the form is observed and seen on the periphery. The ball tumbles in 'space"

I see it as any of the creation on the plane perpendicular to the axis of Sol and Gaia experiences the trinity within "itself, Sol and Gaia". The world it senses is that beings cross to bear (again that retro joke).

But there is nothing harmful within the sphere so bubbling does not HURT no matter what "way" the interaction changes. So this cross still may represent how we experience earth..even though we are changing. It still fits to use the cross and mean "earth"...our earth experience symbol, not Gaia's. Hers looks a bit different but I don't now what it is yet.

[Delight]

At breakfast when megan was explaining her symbol with drawn diagrams on a napkin, Abner interrupeted her.

"If you are talking spheres and trinities, why not put a triangle or pyramid or better two upside down pyramids like the star of david in a circle as a symbol?"

Megan siad.."is that your symbol?"

"No, said Abner, I think it just makes more sense."
(Obviously Abner does not attend night school)

Megan was tempted to remember why she does not like talking to Abner in general. He has so many opinions and she gets all twisted up in his words and not feeling well sometimes.

"Abner, I will give you a pass on an argument. What this symbol does for me is give me a shorthand to remind me of what i think it stands for and I am not asking you to see the same meaning. I wonder what else about my theory you would like to see differently?"

Abner did not have his own thought really but considered...well for one thing I would just go for the center. Don't put in anything at all and just have it be a big black hole that is responsible for everything like the mouth of a torus. o yes, I like the sphere but forget the cross. Just go for the central one thing spitting out whatever. Not even suns, earth, anything. That is what I think this experience is...the spit up of a black hole....no meaning, no relationships, nothing. By the end of his monologue he was choked up and his voice rattled.

Megan realized then that Abner was feeling melancholy and thinking nihilism she went closer to empathy. No wonder he was argumentative. Now at least she knew what she was dealing with this morning.

Megan asked" What are you thinking about?"
"Abner almost sobbed..."Critics! I just saw the reviews for one of my plays and the idiot said "Good work for a sock monkey!" It HURTS. I hate that critic.

Margaret was laughing and whispered to Megan..."crucifixion hurts? Hung on the cross of needing a great review I imagine"? The old rugged cross of the ego need for attention hangs up writers all the time.

[Delight]

Djinnia was once a pollution activist. it used to made her angry as fire to deal with the horrid astral pollution Djinn see all around earth. The smog still yielded multimedia. Media of all kinds still get through and Djinn love media. Djinn haunt both deserts AND libraries and wherever good books and stories are found.

They now take in pdfs and youtubes when they want in the etheric slab of texts. Information travels both ways from the universe and Djinn have fantastic ideas they would love to see implemented. They like knowing what others think also... They broadcast on a narrow channel into 5D and these ideas can easily be found when one sees in 5D.

(Must be where the boys got the idea for the flow pictures?)

Asking Djinnia what she liked to read, Megan was pleased. Djinnia exclaimed over the same authors as Megan's favs.

Djinnia likes the women who write of architecture and ancient civilizations. Women often feel the facts quite well and know where to look. For instance if women had remembered the story of human and Djinn they would have recalled differently and Djinnia would appreciate what they said much more. But the main thing she LOVEs is reading from people who grok her.

Djinnia says:" It's like when trolls saw the movie Forrest Gump and felt understood for the first time . Trolls were depicted perfectly as earthy "making things happen around them" without a clue. They show up and earthworks and mining and all kinds of moving around of the landscape happens. That can be positive and negative. They meet a lot of important people but they don't care.

They are single minded at best and what they think about is a particular girl whom they love like the sunshine outside caves. She does not feel they are anything but a Kind brother. They are chronically senseing a bitterish taste of "unrequited love"."

Megan's opinion:
"The trolls just are not savvy about relationships at ALL. They try various things that someone told them to do and they always tried to do their best at the job. But as loyal as they were, they could not be airy. Yes things did happen when they were around but they were not mentally IN the scene. No opinions, no inner direction, just stolidly in the midst of life following: go here, stand there from cues given. Clue-less is less attractive to fairy girls than almost any characteristic."

Some matches are impossible.
Some like Sam and Djinnia share the right elements.
Contemplating how Djinnia can be anywhere any time and never leave a trace always stuns Sam in to awe for his girlfriend. He still adores her.

"So, what is the point?" asked Abner?

The point is that Djinnia had a library book that she thinks explains dimensions well and SHE is happy that someone groks "where she came form". The authoress Is Barbara Hand Clow. He book "Alchemy and the Nine Dimensions" does a very credible job of explaining how the Djinn live on the 6th dimension sometimes, the Ninth dimension sometimes and of course can touch the third dimension.

According to Djinnia:
"Humans can access ALL dimensions. But outside the 4th realm of the sometimes disgusting astral, the relationships are less probable because people don't hang out. It is harmonic that the realm of time (the 9th dimension) fits with realm of geometric form (6th). Djinn are outside time whenever they want. They can make time as time is generated in the 9th and they are FROM there. The Djinn are very dependable about using this gift. They don't become irresponsible. They honor the grand cycles so deeply loved that it expresses as geometry. Sound moves through as sound is 7th and follows the wholeness of 8th. the realm of the one being 8th has a relationship with 5th. Souls pass form the one in the 8th dimension to the 5th and particularize as personal. The sound into form shows how souls take sound and geometries from sound and from time itself lay the forms out in a sequence. the Djinn don't do this alone of course, the Creator is always present and Djinn cooperate as everyone else does. To orchestrate the Universe takes everyone.

The trickle down of time from 9th into the 5th is a canopy of dimensionaity, time itself, the Universal One, The sound of creation, the geometry of form and then the diferentiated personal "one" of the 5th are all happening at the same time. If humans were not ALREADY 5th dimensional, they could not have the 4th and the 3rd to experience (plus 2nd and 1st as the material). We tend to Just visit there consciously. The Djinn can visit the 9th. For example, Djinn can stand outside the flow of time. They also are in the One as There is nothing differentiated in 8th. But they resonate on purpose certain frequencies and are not too much in to others."

Humans can access it all. Earth has everything possible. (This is magical and mysterious to Sam. Djinnia adores his child-like glee.)

The canopy that overlays the human reveals all parts of creation but one has to be grounded and also cleared out the astral smog to see beyond the the 4th and make sense of any kind. Sam intends to have the vision.

It is on the 3rd dimension that all is taken in and formed into the Divine Matrix and Sam is good with that. It will be fun to lighten up. Form is so malleable form where Djinn see it. Earth it feels so dense to Sam at times, because people can make themselves very thick. He knows that everyone is in process.

Look at Trolls? It is a good plan for them to thin up their juices and kind of float on the 4th and see better. They don't have to look at just 3D what happened. Actually the irony is that trolls have quite a few great ideas. they are just too grounded and too much in the dark to know it.

Trolls will need to develop a sense of style to attract Fairys in Megan's opinion. That is why she KNOWS having a sense of self and a unique style must be the destiny trolls are longing for as they look at the fairy girls? maybe she can help them as she is examining romance. It would be nice to see them win their heart's desire and everyone thinks Megan knows style.

[Delight]

"This is a model that can fit". Megan agreed. "I will use it."

So tonight I will feel into the 9th dimension in my dreams and go there.

I will take my flow flower and record the visit. This will satisfy the class assignment too. Then I don't need to remember it as I am sure denialability for the 9th dimension is riquer. It might be too much for my mind to handle.

The flow flower was amazing.
Everyone came to see it.
Time was a serpent undulating in space. The majestic and unidentifiable serpent writhed in dance ("That is where dance must arise", Abner decided) and time orchestrated the move that starts it all. If one looks backwards down a timeline, you can never reach the beginning, the serpent is THAT long.

[Delight]

Ann liked Djinnia as if she were a daughter and when She heard Djinnia describe the astral as disgusting, she could see where the dear girl was haunted by her own thoughtforms. They wandered out to the meadow and gently Ann suggested that Djinnia felt rage from old ideas she kept in the astral and that these were for her to clear.

Djinnia felt defensive."You are telling me that as IF my abuse was my fault. I am just expected to forgive everyone? Fat chance that. If they see the light and apologize and seek my forgiveness deeply, I can let them off. Not otherwise. I expect some things need revenge?"

Ann felt such empathy for hurt feelings and she also knew that Djinnia had not had near enough experience with the let go of trust. This world is still haunted by personal wounds but NOW at least all we have to deal with is our own trouble. Everything else is taken care by magic and miracles. It was difficult making a pearl out of frustration. Djiinia was churning sometimes when she felt neglected but bound to see a huge jewell. Abandonment and the pain EVERYONE has been in can be a ghost recreating the past.

[Delight]

Megan received 10 manic notices for KPCP in a single day.

"Now the resurgence of analog and analgic minders purge the blinders."

"I likes me some little cans."

"Now accepting donations for blinders pickers offers and subscriptions."

"I know you are out there Homecats"

It just degenerated form there and Megan was wondering:"When will this end?"

Margaret kept reminding Megan that THIS is not meant to be a perfect world but the world that just by being in it is perfect. There is just no real downside to Bandits mania. It can't kill her so she will just exhaust her interest if left alone. She will know when she exhausts the audience..no hits or whatever they are called?

bandit follows her stats closely and she and Abner commiserate often about fans and their mischief. The haters are just enjoyed immensely based on the hours they are given attention.

The critique nights are disbanded as Megan is irritable and blocked by the undercurrent of seeking fame. It does occur to her that evolution into egotistic jerky down in the mouth fame mongers might be a stage some need to pass.

Maybe everyone needs passing through the "extreme" in some way to get to middle. Like people who desire "stuff". They only feel frustrated by feeling the lack. Either get over the lack or go the limit to seeking what you think you want. Hopefully you might be disillusioned by having "everything" that is wrong for you?

Megan had heard that the solution to "materialsim" in the old days would be to give everyone the latest and they would finally be tired of consuming. That certainly had happened to her early in life.

But it was so difficult being moody and having best friends act like losers. It almost felt like a betrayal..as if they should be just where I am now. "This patience business is a killer" she exclaimed as she flounced out the door again away from the insufferable.

Deep down she had good intentions, but are good intentions enough when we have best friends who are just doing what they can do?

She wanted the two to consider writing as purely for art. To want to have an audience seemed cheap. To yell and walk off to get her way in tantrums was grossly manipulative according to the Celestine Prophecy and she agreed.

These two wrecking their mental and physical health over being popular were making her act against her principles.. This really galled her so she slammed the door to her bedroom.

[Ray]

Ok - the link says "Quick reply", so that's what this will be. I have no words to support what I'm about state in the context of this terrifying story. I even tried not to read it too carefully, and honestly did not read any further in this post. The date of this posting is significant to me in a way that cannot be described, and I am compelled by my innocent human nature to rudely interrupt this discussion in the interest of sharing my something I've come to know myself.

Please excuse my rudeness, again, I am compelled or inspired or whatever. This is all new to me, and I cannot keep it to m'I self any longer. With all my apologies and respect;

The thing is just WRONG in every possibly way, yet we ignore it, fawn over it, and attach harmful stigmas and taboo to its HUMAN EFFECTS! "

That's all I need to say and you all KNOW exactly what I'm talking about.
Where we go from here is up to you.
With all my love ~ Ray

[Delight]

Megan was in turmoil for a long long time. She sat by the window absorbed in this spinning whirling and terribly uncomfortable space she had created while day and night switched places. No one bothered her reverie knowing that she would be just fine. After weeks of the churning she finally realized the real issue for her. It was about the "meaning and Purpose of Life" as herself

The transition she had been experiencing from child to woman had at first seemed like the assuming of a new purpose. She had imagined the purpose of being a woman and anticipated how that matched her purpose of being Art-is Ist....Creator of her life and maybe others as babies someday.

A little while ago when she felt so ANGRY with her best friends, it was all about the gap between her purpose...TRUE ART and what seemed like their purposes, so seemingly NOT correct. The judgement that had overwhelmed her and made her retreat had seemed at first "How can we live together when people have such different intentions?" The realization that she could not stand to live with such obvious discrepancies in purpose started in her head and wound its way through her whole body slowly. It hurt terribly as it passed cramping already tight muscles.

Megan had been lithe and springy but tension was something she accepted as she was full of mental considerations that lived in her body.

Tightening so balled up and tough led to a wall because as much as she tried, she could not reconcile Bandit's desire for personal recognition (because shouldn't real art exist beyond recognition for the maker?) and Abner's need for validation (as doesn't this need for validation dilute the artistic process making it "crowd pleasing"?)

The feeling she could not live with their intentions made her sad and yet she was stubborn about her values. It did not seem as if it was just about her. THIS was important stuff!! The swirling was also "It is about me" as I must live with myself and my purpose is important and I desire it to rule. To think that her desire to rule would Over rule theirs seemed reasonable based on her own understanding. She felt crazy inside. "Shouldn't judgements be dissolved for freedom's sake?" "Isn't there a underlying ultimate no Purpose that needs judgement?" What does that mean??

Days and days of wrestling passed as she examined the PURPOSE of life and how the need to find the truth was paramount. Having a purpose feels so strongly necessary and it should be correct. How can life have no purpose? It MUST. But this was where she really spun around as IF purpose is necessary and I cannot share the same purpose, how could I grow up with all these OTHER creatures refusing to agree? I would have to leave Bandit (and I love her).

Then pain of loss was hitting her where it hurt, her love of her friends. Maybe there is NO PURPOSE I need to protect? but is this not intolerable. She felt she could NOT LIVE without purpose. The whole point was just to have the "best purpose" and make it happen.

Then she felt the void. The swirling of all her "life" conflicts fell down and down and own into a place that was so black and empty. It carried her into the deep recesses of NO THING and left her there alone. Being there without activity and doing anything was her longest experience ever. No thing broke up the everything she had understood into stillness. No thing had a reason but it was not a reason to express anything so it was not purposeful. No thing was out of time or space or content at all to tell her "WHY" she was there.

The Megan we have known has been so sure of herself, so full of "positive" (meaning outgoing and expressive) intentions, so clear on priorities, so smart and seemingly confidentally right! What could a Megan without these Purpose Full characteristics BE? She certainly had no clue. There was a big blank in her mind. The well kept falling deeper into herself until she was just exhausted of wrangling with her mind.

Then she began to surface. It HURT to surface as the No thing was unraveling her whole body and all the tension she had acquired in any experience was needing release. She felt emotion and she was certain that the variations of all emotion she had never felt fully as she had "judged" their value were flooding up.

it was excruciating to feel all this and yet the No Thing required all it be let go. The tension in her back was like an ancient rigor mortis that had set in and she cried in literal pain as it seeped out and life came in and up into her shoulders, her neck.....

Her body was absolutely protesting the change. She passed out of consciousness for a little while and dreamed she was a baby in the womb sucking her thumb and felt relaxed. Now she was not distressed by expectations.

The weeks in deep absence prepared a platform that seemed about solid if Not MADE of Anything.

Eventually the wave passed through her and she woke up refreshed.

She smelled breakfast cooking and she was hungry but was unconcerned about the menu or when she would eat, and she was sooo relaxed she would be OK just here but breakfast did smell GOOD. She stretched her new found body and she slowly arose from her chair and went to pee and wash her face.

In the kitchen her family was gathered. Margaret said "There You are!". We missed you at dinner. I hope you had a good night.

The passage of one night for them had been a LONG journey that for her was weeks. But Megan was not surprised or curious. There was no need at this time to figure ANY thing out.

She sat next to Bandit who was grooming in a post special breakfast wet food from a can way. Looking at Bandit, Megan saw nothing in particular except a paw, a furry face and greenish yellow eyes blinking at her. Bandit, just a being there. She loved that being with her whole SELF. Then looking around, Megan felt such LOVE and it flooded the room.

"What will you do today Megan?" Margaret asked?
Megan's mind was blank and she had no words to reply. "I guess I'll just see what happens" she said. Life without a purpose was moment to moment of course. Margaret smiled at her with a big grin and Abner was snuggling in her lap. She picked Bandit up and kissed her face.

[Delight]

Sam is asleep but awake. The chill grips him as Sam steps out of the warm room of the citadel ... my last stand. Looking from any shore, one takes for granted the bright strobe shining 360 degrees from the tower. Atlan's heart, is the crystal's wheeling light. The pipol live out from the center of the wheel. We live it's circumference and travel far and wherever one is on the outer perimeter, whatever role one played, one referenced out from the center of the ringland . The center is the vertical that joins the heavens and earth. Here lies the zero balanced between magnetic and the electric pole.

The crystal heart : Sam is waiting in the center of the flower.
Proudly born in the height of a civilization's happy day and now?
Death.

At the tallest spire in the world on this high peak in what would later be called the Azores, Sam walks the bridge of the observatory and and speaking the directions meditative, as he looks out across the ocean 360 degrees around. Below him the light spirals out to all the world. In the west lies his beloved.

His wife's villa in the highlands is a home that his sharp gut pang knows he will never see again in this life.

Looking up, he is amazed: the sky is falling.
The streaking meteorites are exquisite.

Sam's mind is torn between awe at the ferocious beauty and wondering how this so beautiful bombardment will kill him? Death is coming certainly. What will he do then? Will he stay behind the veil as a haunting ghost wistfully watching his children or will he tear the veil with his bare hands, then fly off to the Pole star?

Sam's heart lurches at the thought of his beloveds, his dear companions, he cannot help but love them. "What it will be like to break from their minds"...At least he assumes this break is from both sides. No one has passed the gate of death and returned except ghostly. Ghosts are not be heard properly. They speak only in riddles. The dead fade away.

Is the end of his life the end of everyone living now possible? Surely some will be left and life go on. Lucky? He can imagine not so lucky?

After death questions are not an idle concern for him. He has stronger ties to his beloveds than he feels is healthy. They may well live long and he does not want to be caught here on the changed earth, a lonely hungry specter wandering in the ashes of catastrophe.

No one knows when the last string will break and then the fire will fall and the crashing waters will boil and the sea churn deep furrows on the land. The light will break. WE will break.

This light holds us all in common. Information and energy traveling back and forth on the light. Streaming communion. The light amplified and the light renewed. The light holds the cooperation steady. No matter where, the pipol are together of one mind.

When the comet was observed to be coming, this clearest and largest crystal ever found under the earth was expected to save us all. But the crystal's strength was not enough to save the world.

The Atlan crystal did grab and hold the field of the alien intruder. Frequency tuned energy spun the monster just out of reach. Slinging the asteroid in orbit around the earth kept it at bay for many months. The hope had been to throw the body back out and explode it away but instead the body had just shattered in pieces that then fell in random bits.

Threads of light held the largest piece still off planet but the inevitable crash of a body so large it is like a moon is coming. They succeeded in only holding a space in time for as many as possible to head to the highest points or go underground.

Groggy awake and weeping, Sam is feeling agony, as lonely as anyone ever felt.

[Delight]

Sam was weepy through the whole morning. Margaret and he sat in the fall afternoon drinking coffee and Sam shared his anxiety. He had a clear vivid recollection that had mercifully awakened him before the end. The onrushing panic, unavoidable disaster and the depth of grief was like a car headed toward a brick wall in his mind. Because of all the recapitulation he and the rest were doing with timelines and the gathering of stray bits of self, this story was important. It needed a healing or he would not have needed a recall.

Sometimes the farm folk talked through their stories, or painted them, danced them, screamed them or stayed silent with companions. It was seen that many had no shared memory and that others shared almost exactly the same, as if they were in a body together. Knowing what was important each dwelled in and blessed the feeling of the story...Sam's was the desolation of something incomprehensible.

Some philosophical thoughts took off an edge as Sam considered being present here now. The world (if there was ever a REAL world, not just personal myth) had continued. And NOW the world was so different because the first steps toward recovering all the compartmentalized "spots" of dissociation with mind was at play. Even as individuals were ever so much more comfortable in being individual, the certainty grew everyday that no loss was possible.

The light that had been in a tower was now inside. No one could be separated even by the loss of a body. But we are just learning that and these shadows need to be expressed,Sam thought. It makes no sense to deny what we feel even when it arises in a dream.

Sam was encouraged that with Margaret, his feeling was shared in revealing. She could be with him and empathy's presence was gifting him. He would do the same for her one day surely. It was wonderful to never need hide from these tormenting pieces once hidden. An agony of desperate certain separation was what had made his heart nearly break in memory.

His pain was not necessarily needing a truth behind it to have real understanding and healing knowledge gained. It was a dream. If it was ever true (and Margaret doubted the need to prove any timeline as truly THE one and only one), it was not NOW of any importance. Yet what he felt was of the most importance EVER. It wanted to be released to the air and the light as if long hiding in a dark cave.

As the evening settled in on a clear October day, the light was very clear, shallow and bright white. The sky was a crystal blue. Fall insect sounds were mournful. Sam cried again drenching several handkerchiefs. Margaret stayed by him and helped him bring home a lost self that may have split off in pieces too like the asteroid that he remebered from once upon a time. They sat as long as he needed to be in his sorrow. Not forcing anything but refusing to run away, he rested resolute in overwhelming loss. Sam finally sensed the knot untied. And his gut that had been like a fist relaxed and he needed no more weeping to undo the meaning's hold.