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Thread: I ache from loneliness

  1. Link to Post #21
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Quote Posted by AutumnW (here)
    Quote Posted by delfine (here)

    Edit: P.S. The [loss of] status you mention, is actually the dark aspect of social life.
    The by-product of being a "social animal" is having to enter the world of difference, comparison, competition, gossip, judgment, evaluation, intrigue etc. And generally those with more assets; wealth, friends, beauty, skills etc. will have higher status than those with less. But that is totally irrelevant to your inner fulfillment and sense of meaning. Having status is not going to guarantee you, that you will not feel lonely. Status is a very fleeting and superficial thing anyway.It is given to you by others, and can just as easily be taken from you by others. It might be fodder for your ego, but not your inner self.
    Let's take a look at the issue of status and self image and dissect it with a scalpel rather than a meat cleaver. If you read what I wrote, carefully, you'd see that I was describing the process of communicating loneliness to other people and how it is self perpetuating, and how WRONG that is. I was describing why some 'friends' will back away when you bemoan your loss of family. They lose respect for you, when they should be embracing you, and being uplifting presences in your life.

    Admitting you are lonely is worse than walking around with the scarlet letter. Just about everybody is lonely, but there is this weird social requirement to conceal the fact. Can you imagine how ridiculous it is for me to cover up the fact that I have deep loneliness, when I have lost my family recently, am chronically ill and can never get out?

    Lord, it's just so stupid.
    I agree that telling it like it is; admitting that you´re lonely,often has the same effect on people, as admitting that you have no money. Very few people will be prepared to give their money to you (or love, or support, or...), just because you need it.
    It shouldn´t be this way, but that´s how it is. I´ve had the same problem with loneliness for most of my life myself. The reason was, that I at some point had a psychotic breakdown and became hospitalized. All the friends I had at that time, turned their backs on me, never to be seen again. It was rather devastating to learn that being a mental patient, is about as socially attractive as having the bubonic plague.
    And forever after you´re seen and treated as a second- or third class citizen by the rest of society.
    I know what you mean, when you talk about "aching from loneliness"...The trouble is that when you are literally starving for love and kindness, you tend to view a potential friend in the same way, as a drowning person would view a raft. Having that life-or-death kind of role, is in my experience too much for most people to handle.

    So...what to do?
    Something that has helped me a lot, has been to begin appreciating and enjoying my own company. Filling my own cup, so to speak.
    And I´ve discovered that I don´t need other people to feel happy. Having friends is of course something I value, but not in the clutching, desperate way I used to.

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  3. Link to Post #22
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    This very same topic came up in my church discussion group last week.
    And many people there, who I have seen a few times a month, over the decades,
    expressed that they felt a sense of isolation and loneliness, even though they were successful professionals and long standing members of the church community. Although, this cannot compare to Autumn’s case or anyone who is a shut in, for these people were ambulatory, had financial means, and had families and at least the church community and yet they still expressed that they felt lonely. No one would guess, they always walked around with a smile on their face acting upbeat. I was surprised at how many expressed it.

    Advice is easily given, so much easier than being introspective about an issue, especially one as private and potentially detrimental to one’s health as isolation and loneliness.

    But loneliness is a very real condition in modern society, whether one is lonely from the very real lack of energy exchange with a real human being such as shut ins can experience, or the loneliness of still feeling lonely in a family or a crowd. Few are brave enough to bring up this very important social threat to physical and mental health.

    I am sure there most be many songs devoted to that aspect of our modern culture but the first one that comes to mind is the Beatles; song about all the lonely people:

    "Eleanor Rigby" written by Lennon, John / Mccartney, Paul.
    Ah, look at all the lonely people
    Ah, look at all the lonely people
    Eleanor Rigby, picks up the rice
    In the church where a wedding has been
    Lives in a dream
    Waits at the window, wearing the face
    That she keeps in a jar by the door
    Who is it for?
    All the lonely people
    Where do they all come from?
    All the lonely people
    Where do they all belong?
    Father McKenzie, writing the words
    of a sermon that no one will hear
    No one comes near
    Look at him working, darning his socks
    In the night when there's nobody there
    What does he care?
    All the lonely people
    Where do they all come from?
    All the lonely people
    Where do they all belong?
    Ah, look at all the lonely people
    Ah, look at all the lonely people
    Eleanor Rigby, died in the church
    And was buried along with her name
    Nobody came
    Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt
    From his hands as he walks from the grave
    No one was saved
    All the lonely people
    (Ah, look at all the lonely people)
    Where do they all come from?
    All the lonely people
    (Ah, look at all the lonely people)
    Where do they all belong?


    When was this song written forty or fifty years ago?
    I have always read that generally people do not seek out friendships
    With the unfornuate. When I was young I thought how cruel, but as the decades rolled by I now think how true.
    Why was there a time, among the therapists, that they loved to use the saying, when you are down and out, “ fake it until you make it”

    But being lonely for a weekend, a month ,or a year or two.. as one reboots their life, can not be compared to the loneliness that must be endured by the “ shut- ins decade after decade. Or has society regulated that responsibility to the social workers ,and health care workers who are just doing their jobs and not actually creating meaningful or even social friendships with the most isolated humans in society, often through no fault of their own except for living in this modern culture we all contribute to.

    Life is hard on everyone, but for those who are forever sick, forever shut in, well they indeed live by circumstances that most of us could never understand. They truly know what it is like to be alone. Much like when someone is in the process of dying, it’s a very lonely experience.
    I have no answers, except to admit to oneself that you are lonely if indeed you are, and then to strategize on what steps you can start taking today and next week to find resolution to that threatening state to your mental and physical health. And if you are not lonely after much introspection, maybe you can look around your neighborhood and community and see what minutes or hours you have to help break this dreaded menace of loneliness in modern society and make that old saying that humans do not seek friendships out with the unfortunate.
    All just my humble opinion

    Sincerely

    Mr. Davis
    Last edited by blake; 29th March 2014 at 16:23.

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    Belgium Avalon Member Violet's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    I don't know what to say, AutumnW...

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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Quote Posted by AutumnW (here)
    Quote Posted by delfine (here)

    Edit: P.S. The [loss of] status you mention, is actually the dark aspect of social life.
    The by-product of being a "social animal" is having to enter the world of difference, comparison, competition, gossip, judgment, evaluation, intrigue etc. And generally those with more assets; wealth, friends, beauty, skills etc. will have higher status than those with less. But that is totally irrelevant to your inner fulfillment and sense of meaning. Having status is not going to guarantee you, that you will not feel lonely. Status is a very fleeting and superficial thing anyway.It is given to you by others, and can just as easily be taken from you by others. It might be fodder for your ego, but not your inner self.
    Let's take a look at the issue of status and self image and dissect it with a scalpel rather than a meat cleaver. If you read what I wrote, carefully, you'd see that I was describing the process of communicating loneliness to other people and how it is self perpetuating, and how WRONG that is. I was describing why some 'friends' will back away when you bemoan your loss of family. They lose respect for you, when they should be embracing you, and being uplifting presences in your life.

    Admitting you are lonely is worse than walking around with the scarlet letter. Just about everybody is lonely, but there is this weird social requirement to conceal the fact. Can you imagine how ridiculous it is for me to cover up the fact that I have deep loneliness, when I have lost my family recently, am chronically ill and can never get out?

    Lord, it's just so stupid.
    If you look around, and it seems you have, social activity has become frenetic. Everyone scurrying here and there. Like those dating bars, you know, the ones where you visit a few minutes with several different people. And you are supposed to find Mr or Ms right.
    I believe that our society has put a lot of things into high gear. GET ER DONE. And the result is, we do not connect as often as we would like. That thing we heard so much about.........instant gratification. Too many today have fallen into that trap. No time to search deeper than first impressions. What is there for me? And please don't subscribe to that ,if you see it, it is because , you are also it.
    People want privacy, to the point of pain.
    Some collect others like books. On a shelf, until they need them. So if you are a giver, and you are needed, fine. If you need to.......learn to say no. Sometimes family are the ones that take advantage. Mostly we don't mean to. But some people get sooooo busy...............they dont have time to really nurture themselves, and certainly not others.
    In my family, I can do. And can do some more. And I love being helpful. But many times there is no thanks. If your help enables someone to better their life, and you want to, do it. I think what is hard to feel, is that because of what you do, you get bumped aside. IE. Taken for granted. And that stings. The sting of not being appreciated.
    I am troubled when someone tells me don't help someone if you expect gratitude. That is most likely true. But it still hurts. My grandmother always taught me to do what was right, expecting nothing in return. I know the lesson well. But, darn it, it still hurts.
    My mom says so often, don't get me a birthday gift, or a Christmas gift. But we kids, all know better. We get the gifts, even tho she protests. She means it when she tells us not to. But I believe she also does a happy sigh, when we get the gift anyways. And she has an inward moan, if we actually would not give her a gift. I almost have my mind wrapped around that, but not quite.
    I most likely wrote this for you and I.
    I started out, wanting to ask you, " Why can't you get out at all?"
    Last edited by carryattune; 29th March 2014 at 17:15.

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  9. Link to Post #25
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Hi Autumn,

    Loneliness is part of life, at this present time, and mostly part of spiritual development. Your loneliness may be due to illness, in appearance, but as soon as someone is different in any way from the mass, loneliness results.

    I have been active and with a child for many years, yet, although I met thousands (i was going to change the thousands for hundreds because I thought members here would think I am arrogant, but then decided not to, because it is the truth) of people, I was the provider of service and there were no real individual and closer link with them. I spoke with a business woman this week about loneliness and her comment was "You know Flash (well, my real name), when at the top, you are always alone and lonely - and the 20,000$ to pay salaries at the end of the week has to be in, over and above".

    So, I brought the topic to a teacher of mine, a spiritual teacher. His answer was that when one develops spiritually, loneliness is always one of the results for a long stretch of lifes. It is part of the developmental path, you have to do that part of the journey by your own strenght, by yourself. Knowing it does not take away the pain of it, I understand, but it is much better than not knowing. The mass of people is not far in spiritual development, so as soon as you get out of the crowd, loneliness is part of it, because nobody can understand or follow you.

    Although your path Autumn is one of physical illness, it is definitely, in my views, still more a path of spiritual advancement. I bless you for your courage and spirit, and for not giving up ever. My full love flows towards you.

    And where are you located in Canada?

    Flash xxx (those are kisses on both cheeks, equivalent to a hug, as French people do)

    Quote Posted by AutumnW (here)
    Delfine Dear, Thank you. I am very very ill and not looking for advice or tips. I really appreciate your trying to help and your advice might help others, but I wouldn't be able to follow through with many of your tips. You're super thoughtful in trying to help though.

    I am an extremely strong individual. Every one of the doctors I have had for the last 20 years have told me that they have never encountered an individual as psychologically intact and healthy, with this disease. So...I am actually doing very well. It's a tough slog, like rolling a huge boulder uphill, everyday...but I am succeeding in rolling the boulder and not becoming embittered or brittle in the process of constant stress.

    Being as constrained as I am, has become a spiritual crisis. It's a challenge to overcome, describe, explain. It helps to give me insight into others, similarly afflicted, for whatever reason, be it psychological, situational, or like me, due to illness.

    For the last few years I have felt that I am being tested to the very limits of my endurance...but I WILL prevail. Nothing and nobody is going to defeat me, spiritually. My ability to love won't be destroyed by the calculated indifference of thoughtless, selfish 'friends'. No one will accuse me of 'being dark' when I am putting up a heroic struggle against the forces of darkness that they themselves unleash.

    Lettherebelight. Yes, I completely agree with you. It's only in the last few years that I have felt acute loneliness. I lost my parents and it became evident to me that the very strong bond that I felt I had with my siblings existed in my imagination alone. It was a shattering experience. Before that I had wonderful fantastic solitude. I am not super extroverted so I am fine with being alone, as long as I feel this invisible silver cord attached to ???
    Last edited by Flash; 29th March 2014 at 17:16.

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    United States Avalon Member raregem's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Quote Posted by Dennis Leahy (here)
    This makes me think of one of the physical aspects of isolation, and that is in not getting hugs. Communication/interaction is great, but there is something magical and mystical about the energy exchange in hugs. It's not the degree of intimate energy exchange of sex/lovemaking, but it is closer to that realm of energy exchange than even being surrounded by friends and family.

    This isn't an "answer" to loneliness and isolation - just something that popped into my head as a peripheral advantage/attribute of human physical contact.
    nnis


    As much as I would prefer to stay away from people ( the intense negative - energy types) I tend to want to HUG them. Argh !
    P.S. I also want to slap them. (ops looks like I have some reflection to take care of )
    Last edited by raregem; 29th March 2014 at 17:18.

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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    I am always looking for ways to balance and find more freedom. I'd like to suggest you try a very simple do-it-yourself self help technique. Found hidden in an ancient manuscript was a very simple method of balancing emotions, organs, and the energy flow of your own body. This has been named 'Jin Shin Jyutsu Is', which translates as 'Getting to Know (Help) Myself Art of Living'. Believe it or not you can use this for less than an hour daily and your feelings of loneliness will vanish, along with any depression, sadness, grief, or anger!

    Seems to good to be true... right? Well, I use this daily and I can tell you that it truly works... and works well.


    So here's the first simple self help you can do... just wrap your thumb and fingers of the LEFT hand gently around each and every digit of the RIGHT hand, one at a time. Hold each finger (and the thumb too) until you feel them begin to pulse. Then switch hands and do all the fingers (and thumb) of the LEFT hand by holding them with your RIGHT hand one at a time.

    Your self treatment will look like this.


    What is actually happening is that you are balancing the electrical system in your body and each digit on your hands is directly related to different parts of this system. When the electrical system of your body is shut down, the result is negative emotions including loneliness. Being bed ridden or unable to exercise for some time almost guarantees that your body is having trouble balancing itself... but you can help it in this very simple way.

    There are some really simple self-help books, but there are also some wonderful web sites that you can enjoy if you desire.

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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    It's wonderful to see how many responses this thread has attracted... telling about societal isolation in general, and interestingly... revealing about how many of us here on PA, have a propensity to withdraw by choice.

    The studies that have been done about isolation experiences speak reems about how harmful it is for we humans, who are intrinsically social animals. Cruel prison isolation methods have proven this understanding. Question being, accross the board: why do we persist in this denial?
    Last edited by Hazel; 29th March 2014 at 18:21.

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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    What an interesting exercise, Dawn. Do you recall where you got it from?

    Sincerely,

    Mr Davis

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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    We live in a society, on this planet, where we are judged for our accomplishments, and not our intent. I too have had an invisible illness for over quarter of a century. About half my life. I do not look sick. But I lack motivation,energy,and have certainly not met my potential. I literally survive one day at a time. It is a topic that really does need to be out in the open, because people just cannot understand what it is like to be trapped inside a body that refused to function. I believe this is not the place or time to get into cures or treatments, unless it directly can help the depressive state of the mind, of someone who is depressed, and lonely, by the default of isolation. It is important to make it clear, we did not choose this and we are not having a pity party.
    Things that we do not get from people we are in contact with are, respect,empathy,or the willingness to even ask, "What can I do?" Because, the truth is, if you are not keeping up with the Jones, then, you don't matter. (this is what it feels like, whether it is true or not)
    When I read AutumW OP here, tears flowed, because I walk in her shoes, and I understand how incredibly painful it is, that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. And it feels like everyone is judging you.
    I will skip the conspiracy part, because its not the appropriate place, but there is a bigger picture with regards to what is happening to some of us.

    I looked up Dawns exercise on YT, and you need to do the finger hold for about 5 minutes each finger. (I tried it only for about a minute and when no pulsing happened I wondered if I am really still alive, LOL, not really.) So according to one YTer, it takes a few minutes. But definitely sounds like it is worth the time!!!! Looking forward to doing it.

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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Quote Posted by AutumnW (here)
    I have been sick for thirty five years and virtually house bound for ten years. My life is a battle to stay positive, see the good in people, believe that I have value when I am shunned because I can't participate in most activities.

    Believe it or not, I'm not throwing myself a pity party. I am exposing a vulnerability and want people to join in this discussion about social isolation and the sadness and grief that come from being ignored--for whatever reason.

    There is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a modern disease and it's a killer.

    Let's talk about it.
    I feel really bad for you. I sort of do know how it feels, in a way.
    My life has taken a somewhat similar turn, although much of it is my fault.

    I was diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder last year and although the process was unpleasant, I felt that knowing that finally about myself answered so many questions.
    I felt angry and hurt by all the doctors who ignored the characteristics of this syndrome, or who called it something else, and over-medicated me with dangerous drugs.

    I don't have a single friend who comes to my apartment.
    There is no church that I've felt like joining, I don't even have a smoking or fishing buddy, and I've never set foot in the local library.
    I see people almost every night gathered outside the bar a few blocks from home. Laughing and talking, sometimes even making fun of people.

    Other lonely people light up most times I give them attention, but after the interaction is over and the stress recedes, I tend to forget them.
    Whereas a normal person would take this experience and put it somewhere safe, to build on later, my mind does not have this emotional organizational skill.
    It's like an ocean with no sun shining on it -- I never know what's going to emerge from the darkness into the real world.
    I never know who my friends are or where help might come from.

    Physically I got kinda fat over the last 10 years. It comes and goes and each time feels harder to lose it without getting hurt.
    It's very hard to have self respect as a person with a mental issue and also being overweight -- even a little bit.
    Lots of doctors go for the low-hanging fruit also, and point that out when they can.. "you've gained weight" etc.

    My son was born with even more issues than I was, 6 years ago.
    He was taken from me after I agreed with the state that he would do better in a group home.
    It's not the same, visiting your child in someone else's house under their rules.

    My spouse recently abandoned us both in a strange town to go back to Seattle.
    He says it's for the best but I don't think so. He is a gambler.
    I continue trying to make it here (a month and a week later), although I have no idea if I have the strength.

    Sleep is hard. I either want it too early or stay up too late. I rarely feel "good" when waking.

    I am 30 years old and used to having my husband around. There's no smiles, no laughter, no warmth, no sex in the home anymore.
    I feel almost like someone died, except worse, someone chose to be gone voluntarily.

    The outside is there, the sun is shining, I could get up and walk out there if I wanted to right now,
    but with my disability, it feels futile. Without someone else driving me onward, I tend toward inactivity.

    ASD is a really annoying problem to have because some folks are not self-starters,
    but the trouble is, who can jump-start a genius (i.e. inspire them)?
    And I mean that in terms of boredom and a sense of "what's important" in the world.

    ________________________________


    If you lived close to here I'd come see you!
    Eastern Washington is kind of like Mongolia... remote.

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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Tesla and Autumn, I an sending you both, BIG GIGANTIC HUGS. The US is so big. From east to west. I am in Mi. There are several Avalonians in WA. ST. Autumn, which end of Canada are you in? Canada is also gigantic. Many Avalonians are Canadian. Maybe if you feel inclined, you can possibly approach a friendship with one of them outside of Avalon.
    Not necessarily in the physical world, but maybe FB. I know many are still afraid and somewhat shy. But it is something to think about.
    Some people are willing to take that step. Many on the forum have ventured out of its walls. For whatever the reason, the members in the UK. Get together every now and then. I think it would be wonderful to get a together going for those of us in the US and Canada. It could take some doing. But worth it. IMHO.
    AUTUMN, ARE YOU COMPLETELY HOMEBOUND. ACTUALLY NOT ABLE TO GET OUT. OR IS IT SUCH A DEEP FUNK. YOU JUST CANT. MAYBE AS FAR AS A PORCH, AND SUNSHINE. sorry for the caps. I forgot to unclick them.
    Please know, you are in my prayers. I am right now lighting a candle for you both.
    Carry.

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  23. Link to Post #33
    Avalon Member Sidney's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Quote Posted by AutumnW (here)
    Quote Posted by panpravda (here)
    AutumnW: I don't believe in luck, but so far, my own journey through this lifetime has been a good deal more positive than negative. I do however have an older brother who, through his self-removal from many of "life's normal things", has now become overly independent, a little arrogant, less loving of himself and others, and definitely lonely; these things mainly due to being "royally fleeced, financially and emotionally" over a significant period of his earlier life, and that includes a failed marriage and children who by short-sighted choice disappeared from his life. While continuing to display quiet stoicism he doesn't admit to being lonely, but he most certainly is, despite previous and ongoing attempts of our family to draw him back into that which is good that we can offer him. We do have the occasional success with him, but these are typically minor and short lived.

    You have, with courage, raised an important issue and I am very interested to see how the discussion around it develops. My own thoughts are with you, AutumnW. Please take time to bathe in the warm, genuine loving energy that Avalonians here already have and will be sending to you.
    Pan Pravda, You are so sweet. Thanks so much. Your poor brother has had such a traumatic experience he is deeply deeply scarred. He may have been blind-sided by rejection. This can actually change the neural circuitry of the limbic system.

    The person
    suffering from mild post traumatic stress will remove him or herself from human contact
    , often automatically. It's not a 'choice'. It's a survival mechanism. The sadness, particularly if it is betrayal trauma, is almost impossible to overcome.

    You are doing a great spiritual service in trying to help your poor wounded brother. Don't give up on him. Those few breakthrough moments you have with him may be all that is holding him together.
    Autumn, great medical/scientific connecting of the dots here. This happened to me. PTSD following a blindsided divorce/fleecing(and not the fuzzy kind : )
    There are most likely many military veterans who can relate as well.
    Last edited by Sidney; 29th March 2014 at 19:59.

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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Thank you for posting this inspiring thread, I have always lived in isolation I have never fitted into any group, I accepted this before i came to earth. Its fascinating to me as i journey thru human life to observe the patterns of the majority of people on earth for there acceptance of such a flawed reality there attempts to justify the sheer insanity that is modern life. I find myself longing for a place that isn't here. Memories faded of another world. I replace my feelings of loneliness with focus on what i came here to do.

    "Our normal expectations about reality are created by a social consensus. We are taught how to see and understand the world. The trick of socialization is to convince us that the descriptions we agree upon define the limits of the real world. What we call reality is only one way of seeing the world, a way that is supported by social consensus."
    Carlos Castaenda

    "To be a warrior is not a simple matter of wishing to be one. It is rather an endless struggle that will go on to the very last moment of our lives."
    Carlos Castaenda

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  27. Link to Post #35
    United States Avalon Retired Member
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Tesla, Autumn and Sidney. I am sending you my love. You are all so dear to me. And, sharing your pain here on Avalon... that takes courage.

    In line with my own ability to respond (be response able (responsible)) I am going to spend some time in sacred Ho O'pono O'pono work. If you are suffering, you can actually do this for your own self and your own inner child.... I certainly found self-healing that way. And for anyone on Avalon who wonders how they might actually help, here is a story about this work and what it has been used for. Enjoy!

    the following is taken from this web site (where there are lots of other links too) : http://www.wanttoknow.info/070701ims...veyoujoevitale
    Quote Simple Steps to Healing: Ho'oponopono
    I Love You, I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You
    by Dr. Joe Vitale

    Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients – without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate's chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person's illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

    When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane?

    It didn't make any sense. It wasn't logical, so I dismissed the story.

    However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho'oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn't let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more.

    I had always understood "total responsibility" to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it's out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We're responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does. The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility.

    His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist. He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit.

    Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal.

    "After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely," he told me. "Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed."

    I was in awe.

    "Not only that," he went on, "but the staff began to enjoy coming to work. Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work."

    This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: "What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?"

    "I was simply healing the part of me that created them," he said.

    I didn't understand.

    Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life – is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.

    Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life.

    This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy – anything you experience and don't like – is up for you to heal. They don't exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn't with them, it's with you, and to change them, you have to change you.

    I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho'oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone – even a mentally ill criminal – you do it by healing you.

    I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients' files?

    "I just kept saying, 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' over and over again," he explained.

    That's it?

    That's it.

    Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world. Let me give you a quick example of how this works: one day, someone sent me an email that upset me. In the past I would have handled it by working on my emotional hot buttons or by trying to reason with the person who sent the nasty message. This time, I decided to try Dr. Len's method. I kept silently saying, "I'm sorry" and "I love you." I didn't say it to anyone in particular. I was simply evoking the spirit of love to heal within me what was creating the outer circumstance.

    Within an hour I got an e-mail from the same person. He apologized for his previous message. Keep in mind that I didn't take any outward action to get that apology. I didn't even write him back. Yet, by saying "I love you," I somehow healed within me what was creating him.

    In short, Dr. Len says there is no out there. It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves. Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there's only one place to look: inside you.

    And when you look, do it with love.


    Note: This article on ho'oponopono is edited from the book Zero Limits by Dr. Joe Vitale and Dr. Len.
    Last edited by Dawn; 29th March 2014 at 21:39.

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  29. Link to Post #36
    Australia Avalon Member
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    I do not think that we can ever know what each one of us experiences. I am alone a lot, but I like quiet and my own company so I am not lonely. Many are like that, but I know people of my age (ie getting on a bit!) who find the aloneness paralyses them, and they are unable to cope with it. I do not for a moment presume to suggest any solutions, they have to be worked towards as each of us in unique, but I do agree with the suggestions of a companion animal (though in my case NOT a rat!).

    At present I have a cat who allows me to live with him, as long as I feed him. This gives me an obligation that is not to myself. I need to ensure that the cat is healthy, fed, and because he has long fur, groomed. He is not expensive to maintain and could live off table scraps (but of course he doesn't, he likes the gourmet cat food and chicken fillets). I also have fish, which have to be attended to, and even fish know when it is dinner time and come looking for their food. I know that this requires manual skills and that maybe is a problem, but the companionship and conversation with an animal (especially a dog) is priceless and helps relieve the feeling of aloneness for many of us. It used to be that when older people went to a nursing home they were parted from their pets, now many such places have their resident cat or dog and many arrange visits with specially trained dogs, some even allow the residents to have their own animals, if suitable, because research has shown how much benefit comes with caring for an animal bird or fish.

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  31. Link to Post #37
    Avalon Member Sidney's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Quote Posted by Dawn (here)
    Tesla, Autumn and Sidney. I am sending you my love. You are all so dear to me. And, sharing your pain here on Avalon... that takes courage.

    In line with my own ability to respond (be response able (responsible)) I am going to spend some time in sacred Ho O'pono O'pono work. If you are suffering, you can actually do this for your own self and your own inner child.... I certainly found self-healing that way. And for anyone on Avalon who wonders how they might actually help, here is a story about this work and what it has been used for. Enjoy!

    the following is taken from this web site (where there are lots of other links too) : http://www.wanttoknow.info/070701ims...veyoujoevitale
    Quote Simple Steps to Healing: Ho'oponopono
    I Love You, I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You
    by Dr. Joe Vitale

    Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients – without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate's chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person's illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

    When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane?

    It didn't make any sense. It wasn't logical, so I dismissed the story.

    However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho'oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn't let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more.

    I had always understood "total responsibility" to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it's out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We're responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does. The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility.

    His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist. He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit.

    Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal.

    "After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely," he told me. "Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed."

    I was in awe.

    "Not only that," he went on, "but the staff began to enjoy coming to work. Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work."

    This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: "What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?"

    "I was simply healing the part of me that created them," he said.

    I didn't understand.

    Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life – is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.

    Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life.

    This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy – anything you experience and don't like – is up for you to heal. They don't exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn't with them, it's with you, and to change them, you have to change you.

    I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho'oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone – even a mentally ill criminal – you do it by healing you.

    I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients' files?

    "I just kept saying, 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' over and over again," he explained.

    That's it?

    That's it.

    Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world. Let me give you a quick example of how this works: one day, someone sent me an email that upset me. In the past I would have handled it by working on my emotional hot buttons or by trying to reason with the person who sent the nasty message. This time, I decided to try Dr. Len's method. I kept silently saying, "I'm sorry" and "I love you." I didn't say it to anyone in particular. I was simply evoking the spirit of love to heal within me what was creating the outer circumstance.

    Within an hour I got an e-mail from the same person. He apologized for his previous message. Keep in mind that I didn't take any outward action to get that apology. I didn't even write him back. Yet, by saying "I love you," I somehow healed within me what was creating him.

    In short, Dr. Len says there is no out there. It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves. Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there's only one place to look: inside you.

    And when you look, do it with love.


    Note: This article on ho'oponopono is edited from the book Zero Limits by Dr. Joe Vitale and Dr. Len.
    That is incredibly profound Dawn. Thank you for sharing.

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    Ireland Avalon Member gnostic9's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Quote Posted by AutumnW (here)
    I have been sick for thirty five years and virtually house bound for ten years. My life is a battle to stay positive, see the good in people, believe that I have value when I am shunned because I can't participate in most activities.

    Believe it or not, I'm not throwing myself a pity party. I am exposing a vulnerability and want people to join in this discussion about social isolation and the sadness and grief that come from being ignored--for whatever reason.

    There is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a modern disease and it's a killer.

    Let's talk about it.
    Hi AutumnW! if you would like to talk! my email is treaybur@topmail.ie

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  35. Link to Post #39
    Avalon Member mosquito's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    You know, there are times, many times when I feel like quitting this forum, with all the idiotic gossip and paranoia about whatever. But then we have a thread like this, and Avalon behaves like a real community, reaching out to a member with our hearts, and I feel honoured to still belong.

    ....Which is an appropriate word to end the sentence with, as I too feel like I no longer belong. I don't identify with any nation or group, and the only people I have regular contact with are all under 17. Actually I've always been a loner, happy to be on my own, but in recent years it's turned into an aching loneliness, like you describe Autumn. On one hand, I isolate myself because I don't feel any kinship with humanity, on the other I know I need to be a bit more outgoing. I know I have so so much to offer, but I'm petrified of rejection and I don't want to place my gifts under the feet of an unappreciative mob of unconscious baboons.

    I agree wholeheartedly with what Flash (and others) said, difficult though this is, it's part and parcel of the spiritual journey. And as our "societies" continue their inexorable morph into emotionally dead, uncaring anti-societies, loneliness is probably the best thing you can give your soul.

    If I had the necessary time and money, I'd come and visit you ! Thanksfor starting this thread, and hanks for all the wonderful responses

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    Canada Avalon Member sandy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ache from loneliness

    Gosh Autumn, Tesla, Sydney and others who feel alone and isolated, my heart goes out to you. Just want to remind you though that you are not alone in the sense of SELF.

    Please don't forget to actually hug yourself as it really does help to connect to your being on all levels and brings a sense of groundedness and unity within and lessens the angst and times of loneliness.

    Much Love to One and All
    Love and Light Always/Sandy

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