I ache from loneliness

[amor]

Dear Autumn: You have the same first name and first letter of your last name as my grand niece, and for some time I thought your posts on Avalon were hers. She is a young lady, quite pretty, who was married and had two boys, one a baby, just before her husband died of bone cancer caused by keeping a cell phone in his pants pocket, obviously not turned off. There was a two year struggle to save his life. Before his death he told her he would let her know whether his consciousness survived. The day of his funeral, all of the lights of their community went down for no apparent reason that could be found. Apparently this was an arranged signal between them. She will shortly finish college degrees, her boys are growing well, and a young man who cared for her in school has become her new partner.

I am now 80 years of age with serious back injuries which limit my getting around; however, I am still climbing the ladder to the roof to repair torn shingles, etc. Because I have had to move back and forth between countries with my parents and because of them from time to time, the few friends I was able to make and keep in life have dwindled for one reason or another, including death. Therefore, I find myself quite alone. My brother and his descendants live very far away. I have been deeply lonely in life when married to the wrong person at a time I should have been having children. I nursed both parents who died and have had many experiences in communication with the dead. What free time I have is spent searching for information about the world I have been living in. Unfortunately, there are few people I can remember with love and affection. Most of them must have been having a hard time and taking it out on anyone within reach. Therefore, I have learned how to keep my own company and my controversial ideas to myself. The kind of people found on Avalon are rare. Feel free to communicate with me any time.

[Cara]

This Vox article shares some astounding figures on loneliness from a YouGov poll. Loneliness is increasing and many people report having no friends.

I don’t agree with their statement that loneliness can be helpful: it fails to distinguish between being alone and being lonely.

22 percent of millennials say they have “no friends”
Loneliness can be helpful, unless it becomes chronic.

Brian ResnickAug 1, 2019, 12:30pm EDT

Today, members of the millennial generation are ages 23 to 38. These ought to be prime years of careers taking off and starting families, before joints really begin to ache. Yet as a recent poll and some corresponding research indicate, there’s something missing for many in this generation: companionship.

A recent poll from YouGov, a polling firm and market research company, found that 30 percent of millennials say they feel lonely. This is the highest percentage of all the generations surveyed.


YouGov

Furthermore, 22 percent of millennials in the poll said they had zero friends. Twenty-seven percent said they had “no close friends,” 30 percent said they have “no best friends,” and 25 percent said they have no acquaintances. (I wonder if the poll respondents have differing thoughts on what “acquaintance” means; I take it to mean “people you interact with now and then.”)

In comparison, just 16 percent of Gen Xers and 9 percent of baby boomers say they have no friends.

The poll, which looked at 1,254 adults 18 and up, did not report results for the up-and-coming Gen Z (who report high levels of loneliness on other surveys), or for the oldest adults in the country. And we should note: Loneliness tends to increase markedly after age 75; social isolation among the elderly remains a huge problem that will only grow worse as baby boomers age. So perhaps it’s not the case that millennials are the loneliest of all.

Still, the findings on millennials are surprising. Why do a fifth of these 20- and 30-somethings say they lack friends? YouGov’s poll didn’t measure why.

If this generation is truly lonelier, that’s concerning for a number of reasons: Research shows that loneliness tends to increase as we get older. What will happen to millennials, who are already reporting high levels of loneliness, when they reach old age?...

More and from here: https://www.vox.com/science-and-heal...oll-loneliness

[Strat]

Posted by Mike (here)
I've gone very long periods of time alone, and I don't mind it. But I do worry that perhaps I'm doing some sort of psychic damage I'm unaware of. People around me tend to view me as "weird" or "eccentric", and my natural reaction is to see that as a badge of honor. And maybe it is, but there is such a thing as spending too much time alone, and having been alone for so long, a loner won't notice when it happens. That's the danger. Without someone providing relativity or a kind of checks and balances, one's quirks and so forth can become distorted and damaging.

I very much can relate to this. While I don't have your health issues, I obviously have my own health issues which are on the extreme end of the spectrum. Point being, we're in the same boat but for different reasons.

I'm viewed in the same light: a light that's not of the norm. However, my life is not normal, my health is not normal, therefore the way I chose to live will not be normal. Technically, my personality is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Folks think I'm weird for not wanting to go on camping trips that will allow oneself to indulge in any and all worldly pleasures. Well if they understood what it's like to have poor sleep as a result of such indulgences, thereby causing seizures and ambulance trips they'd understand.

Maybe I don't have the necessary prowess to articulate, or maybe they are a bunch of ****ing numb skulls.

The fact that I don't mind being a bit of an outsider took a lot of work. I'm still sometimes upset but only in fleeting moments of weakness. I used to be socially inept and loneliness was the result. I didn't have a choice of what to do. Now if I stay home on a saturday night or something it's a choice. I think to myself, "What will I accomplish closing out the bar tonight?" Knowing that I'm staying home doesn't bother me when I know it's my choice. I can walk into several locations around here and as soon as I open the door my name is yelled out and I'm greeted by hugs and handshakes. But being part of the popular crowd isn't all that great. Also the popular crowd tends to not care about your well being, only that you can 'keep up' so to speak.

So yeah. I'm not exactly part of the popular crowd, I just kinda rub shoulders with it. The crowd doesn't get why I don't dive in head first, but they have simple lives and simple brains.

[Franny]

Years ago I worked with a woman from Iran while working in lower Manhattan. Her family left Iran in the late 1970s during the revolution. It's a country where extended families often live together in a house or compound and it's how she was raised. I always remember something told me in around 1990. She said that Americans were so much more isolated and lonely than people in Iran or any of the countries she had lived.

The epidemic and perhaps a new direction:

The Loneliness Epidemic

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=m3aIQuMWJCA

[graciousb]

I appreciate this thread, very deep stuff. Although I grew up in a large, extended family, due to time, death, moving, and attrition, that has dwindled to just a few, and I've spent huge swaths of my adult life essentially alone (sometimes married but still very alone). I do like some time alone and have both introvert/extrovert traits, but I deeply believe this way of life is not ideal for our species. I've had exposure to very different cultures, and noticed for example in the middle east in more traditional people, very little depression or existential ennui which is a plague in the west. I found the lack of privacy and constant presence of others invasive and off-putting at first but over time I grew to see that as annoying as it could be it was probably preferable to how most of us live. We are social animals, our brains and neurotransmitters are built for connection and interaction with others. The stories of bodies found in homes, long dead, sometimes mummified, and no one knew or checked or cared..I don't know, that is too poignant.

[thepainterdoug]

autumn, w , this is a hard post. are you as you were when posted? can you give me an update on how you are and has anything improved ? thank you/ d

[AutumnW]

Hi Painter Doug, Cara and other posters,

Thanks so much for bringing this thread back to life. My husband died suddenly 10 weeks after I posted it. I was too busy attending to details and too emotionally numb to feel anything at that time. Loneliness wasn't an option. I have since remarried and am happy with my new mate who is a wonderful human being.

My health has deteriorated a bit more but luckily I don't usually have pain to deal with, just major discomfort. I have withdrawn from the social sphere and happily. I am not a big fan of the human race.

People are problematic. That includes me, of course. I feel more and more like an anthropologist when I am interacting with fellow humans in the real world. I have absolutely nothing in common with them. Zero. No kids, grand kids, no common interests. If they are mainstream thinkers, I don't want to be around them. If they are conspiracy minded, but waaaayyyyy out there, that's too much too.

My patience is tested by most people, though I can honestly say, i 'like' them. A lot of my attitude is due simply to a complete lack of energy.

I would describe my current life as being alone most of the time but not lonely. I am sure that the amount of alone time I experience has warped me in some way, but, in other ways, it has helped me to gain some insight...at least I hope so.

I winced when I went over my original post as I spoke of being 'shunned.' That was temporary and was one person, a cluster B type always looking for fresh narcissistic supply. She's the only woman who has ever recieved a full blast of fury from me and God, did it feel good. Malignant narcs just aren't expecting anyone would be so on to them, so quickly. Anyway, I wrote how I felt at that time and I was feeling very dejected.

All is okay now. A few people have my back. Some of my family relationships are better. I would advise all those who have doubts about their nearest and dearest, particularly family to get very clear about where you stand with them. You don't want to find out if you become very ill or as you age that they may not be there for you. If they don't appreciate your unique challenges today, they are unlikely to if things worsen. That whole line of thinking where, " Oh, so and so, is absent in my life, but they will be there for me if I really need them." Wrong. Find out asap. Don't be blindsided by family, particularly.

[Bill Ryan]

to AutumnW. I think many might join on that.