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Thread: 4 Months Pregnant, Feel Like Complete #$&@

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    United States Avalon Member Molly's Avatar
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    Default Re: 4 Months Pregnant, Feel Like Complete #$&@

    Thank you again, everybody, for the advice.
    Tesla I agree, if marijuana were legal here I would definitely either be vaping or eating it in brownies. I never did use much of it before pregnant (maybe a gram a month at most around PMS time) but it was always such a great stress & anxiety reliever. It needs to just hurry up & be legal worldwide.
    The health clinic here DID try to coerce me into getting a flu shot but I never got it. I've seen two people in my family actually GET THE FLU right after it. The doctors told me their selves that fevers are very bad for an unborn, so I dont want to risk it.
    My boyfriend actually works at one of the worlds biggest vaccine manufacturers, we don't entirely agree on vaccines. There's an old cemetery around here called God's Acre that is really pretty & I like to walk around there some times..the section where families & children had died & were buried are kin of sad.. all these little tombstones so old with the names washed out & little lamb statues on top, you know? They didn't have what we do back then & probably could've been saved by certain vaccines.. buuuut I've also met so many families lately who have kids with autism that is possibly linked to vaccines &/or supposedly 'safe' prescribed drugs during pregnancy like Ambien & anti-depressants.
    I've not even heard of folate before. I've been taking folic acid nearly everyday for over a year now because it is said to help with the heart, which, mine jumps around & scares me once in a blue moon thanks to stress & smoking half my life.
    As for nausea, its nowhere near as bad now as it was. I do have a juicer & I like to make myself a juice of apples, carrots, & a big chunk of ginger root. When my blood was taken recently they said other than being a little low on iron, I'm really healthy & have nothing to worry about.
    I do drink distilled water when at my boyfriend's, here at my parent's house we have a well that is fed from a natural underground spring, dad checks the water every 6 months or so to make sure there's nothing bad in it like fluoride, lead, mercury, etc. (he's actually really smart about that sort of stuff, & even as a kid would not allow my brother & I to partake in 'Swish day' at school where the kids have to swish fluoride in their mouths..yes, they did this in Stokes County public schools when I was there as a kid in the 80's, they also took us to a bank one day as a 'field trip' to show us the vaults then 'for fun' had us all scan our hands in a printer then kept the copies for their selves.. no ****!).
    Ugh..this whole thing is so conflicting. I think it's not just my hormones but my survival instincts going bonkers as well. I never felt physically ill AT ALL when pregnant with my son, but I do remember feeling paranoid at times & like I might not be able to trust many people, which really confused me since I generally was an open & trusting person before I got pregnant with him.
    So it's like...I want to stay here with my parents where my son likes it, has everything he needs, his own room, etc.. I know my parents are truly sorry for how they acted, & I do forgive them but you can't just forget things, you know. Dad needs to get a grip on his racism & politic rants though. My son even told him straight up recently 'Pappaw, I think since you're getting old now, you're going crazy.' (I tried so hard to not burst out into laughter, I failed lol). Mom needs to help me out more & to not constantly gripe about money when she is always spending it on things she doesn't need. She needs to stop lying. My whole family tried to get counselling one day & she sat there bold face lying to the therapist saying I was violent with her & would shove & hit her in the kitchen. I went home & cried, told her after all these years I'd figure she'd wise up some, asked her why she never has admitted to her & dad hitting me then she says 'Nobody ever hit you.' Needless to say we never went back again.
    I remember once when I was about 12 years old I was with a group of girls who were talking about sex.. the whole thing shocked me. When I went home I asked my mom how old was she when she lost her virginity (I felt like something was wrong with me maybe because I had no desire to sleep with anyone like other girls wanted to), her answer was that her grandfather raped her from the age of 3 until 12, she never told anyone because he threatened to do it to her sisters. I don't know if it's true or not of course & the more time goes by & the more she lies about things to get her way I sometimes contemplate if she was just using a scare tactic on me or something.. but on the other hand I think about, if it did happen, then that would explain why she is so screwed up some times...then I get mad because its not fair & I wish I could take a time machine back to when it happened & gash that mans throat open & set him on fire before he could've done it.
    I do love my parents, my boyfriend, my son & my unborn baby. I need to love myself more.
    I do an occasional cleansing around here using a mix of herbs that is sage, eyebright, & i think lobelia (may have spelled it wrong). My room is full of various crystals. On rare occasions when mom & I are getting along, we go gem mining in the rivers here & find all kinds of neat things. I burn nothing but white candles, meditate occasionally, also now that its warmer out I started planting vegetables & beans. Gardening is therapeutic to me. The house is almost 100 years old & needs a lot of work. Mom & I have both seen & heard what I'm guessing is ghosts, not sure. We both have seen a man wearing blue jeans & red & black flannel shirt (typical farmer clothes around here), thinking it was my dad then it turned out dad wasn't even at home (happened one time to both of us). We've both heard a little girl call out 'Mommy!' in a happy, excited voice. We don't get any bad feelings from them, never have (that happened twice for me, once for her, & we both knew right away it wasn't my son's voice). The only time I've ran into something strange & scary here was when I was walking to my room one night I went straight into a shadow thinking it was mine, then realized it wasn't, it was way taller than me, towering over me, not moving. Soon as I got shocked & gasped it just disintegrated. Other than that I think the energy as far as that goes is pretty safe here & if anything it's just mine & my family's wacky heads that are haunted lol.
    I will have to read up on the fish. I do eat a lot of sushi. Only from one place that I know has good, fresh fish & I won't get food poisoning from it. I love tuna but for some reason only one brand because all the others make me nauseous. I'm about to eat some white fish & a salad here in a minute.
    Most of what I sell IS online.. I have my own website & an Etsy. I've considered the eBay route as well. Fishing lures is actually a darn good idea. I have so many types of feathers, also hooks because I fish in the spring & summer a good bit. I was making feather earrings but I think that fad has went out, hardly anyone buys them anymore even though mine look as good as the $80 ones out there, with sterling silver parts & everything yet I sell them no more than $40 a pair. So yeah, I may try the fishing lure idea as well. People are always going to want to fish! Thanks for that idea, Tesla
    I'm going to keep faith & trust in my boyfriend but I'm not going to wear myself out worrying over him & his ex.. if something happens then it does, if not, then good. I can't control it & last thing I want to do is potentially ruin something beautiful with somebody who really may love me all because I couldn't trust them. It'd be nice if he were more sensitive to how I feel sometimes, though. I do not yell at him, accuse him or anything. I'm always really nice to his ex, I like to take her dog out for walks while she's at work, he's a sweet doggy. My boyfriend has 3 children, actually. He used to be very Christian-like.. was married for 10 years at a young age, had his first son with her when he was only 23. He is a really good father to them & pays all the child support as well as buys their school clothes, school supplies, things like that. I do not at all fear he won't be in the baby's life or help out. I just sometimes feel like maybe one day his ex & him are going to be a 'thing' again..the way they're always together, he is so happy around her, they seem to have a lot more in common than he & I do. They seem perfect for each other. She buys him neat stuff a lot whereas I'm usually too broke. He criticizes me a lot, especially when the kids are with him.. I will cook for him, me, his 3 kids & my son..six..freakin..people.. do everyone's laundry, make beds, things like that & I do it happily because I love them all, I expect nothing in return.. but next thing I know he's upset with me because I had to take a nap, or because I didn't realize he was talking & I said something while he was talking. He gets really frustrated & I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him, especially when the kids are around because his anxiety kicks in worse when they're there. He has contamination OCD & is always freaking out thinking he may accidentally get his kids sick because of where he works, he has to handle very dangerous things. I try real hard to be understanding of it all & just stay calm for his sake because the last thing he needs is someone being mean to him for being too careful..
    It just seems like i'm not doing what he needs, whereas the ex can. He admits she dumped him because he was very possessive over her, accused her of cheating a lot, things like that. I think she wanted to be married but he didn't. Things like that.
    That was a lot to type. Just wanted to be more clear on some things. Also wanted to give thanks to you all for reading & for your advice.

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    Default Re: 4 Months Pregnant, Feel Like Complete #$&@

    Wow Molly, So sorry to read about all of your hardships. Reading through all of your difficulties, I get the sense that something that might really help you is an older woman who has her Sh** together, in your area, who could take you under her wing.

    Although, I am not the biggest fan of organized religion, I wonder if there is a local church near where you live, or some other organization, where you might meet a motherly type.

    Talk to your guides OUT LOUD for help. IMHO, they are there and willing. When I talk to my guides, I invoke Christ and Buddah just to make sure I'm not talking to some lounge lizard from the astral plane. You can't be too careful on that score!

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    Default Re: 4 Months Pregnant, Feel Like Complete #$&@

    For me it turned out I was severely lactose intolerant. And I did not find this out until a year after I gave birth and I was still so very ill. Lots of sage advice here but I know life doesn't always work out perfectly. Back in my day my husband did not believe that I wasn't supposed to clean the litter box and accused me of being lazy. Ancient history, I am a grandmother now. Start with personal health and you can work your way through the rest later. Get strong emotionally, strong physically, mentally clear first. Start easy stuff first like drinking good pure water.

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    United States Avalon Member Molly's Avatar
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    Default Re: 4 Months Pregnant, Feel Like Complete #$&@

    I forgot to mention the cat parasite issue. I had wondered about that, read of it before & also how supposedly it can attach to people even worse if they have a negative blood type. They don't have a litter box, luckily.. the house is in the countryside, so they go outside in the wooded area. They are always drinking out of my cups of water lol. I definitely share water with my cats, which is probably not the best idea.
    I'm not one to go to church, really. I'm not religious, just spiritual. There's one church not far from here that has free monthly singing bowl meditations that anyone can go to rather in the church or not. The actual pastor and church members usually aren't even there, they just let the people with the singing bowls come in to do their thing, which is cool.. Maybe the people who run that church have some counselling of sorts. I love the singing bowls, though. I can really feel them, they work for me, especially when listened to in real life & not just an MP3 running out of my computer (I think the computer actually drains energy from me somehow).

    By the way, after I finally ate today, I got some REAL sleep & actually had some good, funny dreams. There were some dark areas but they would always end up comical. I believe anyone here who has empathized with me & sent me good wishes really has helped & I appreciate it a lot. It was great to sleep some without feeling tormented for once. It's bad enough that in 5 months I probably won't get much undisturbed sleep lol! But that will be for a very good cause

    Thanks, everybody. Much Love!

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    Avalon Member Sidney's Avatar
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    Default Re: 4 Months Pregnant, Feel Like Complete #$&@

    Quote Posted by Molly (here)
    I forgot to mention the cat parasite issue. I had wondered about that, read of it before & also how supposedly it can attach to people even worse if they have a negative blood type. They don't have a litter box, luckily.. the house is in the countryside, so they go outside in the wooded area. They are always drinking out of my cups of water lol. I definitely share water with my cats, which is probably not the best idea.
    I'm not one to go to church, really. I'm not religious, just spiritual. There's one church not far from here that has free monthly singing bowl meditations that anyone can go to rather in the church or not. The actual pastor and church members usually aren't even there, they just let the people with the singing bowls come in to do their thing, which is cool.. Maybe the people who run that church have some counselling of sorts. I love the singing bowls, though. I can really feel them, they work for me, especially when listened to in real life & not just an MP3 running out of my computer (I think the computer actually drains energy from me somehow).

    By the way, after I finally ate today, I got some REAL sleep & actually had some good, funny dreams. There were some dark areas but they would always end up comical. I believe anyone here who has empathized with me & sent me good wishes really has helped & I appreciate it a lot. It was great to sleep some without feeling tormented for once. It's bad enough that in 5 months I probably won't get much undisturbed sleep lol! But that will be for a very good cause

    Thanks, everybody. Much Love!
    Hi Mollly, Hey, just so you won't worry too much about the cat thing, when I was pregnant, I was not aware of the cat bacteria thing, and we had I think 9 cats at the time, on acreage , but there were a couple indoor cats, and I always did the litter box, and they slept in my bed, licked my tears, drank from my glass etc., and I never got the cat box sickness, so maybe some people are more prone than others, but more than likely you maybe have already been exposed, therefore are immune. (that is one theory I read a while back). But from now forward be cautious,just not over stressed about it.

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    Default Re: 4 Months Pregnant, Feel Like Complete #$&@

    Greetings Molly!
    I have to go read your other thread, but the first thing that sprung to my mind while reading your initial words was that you seem to be in one strange relationship. I can only use the word strange, but if I could talk in person I would probably use different and more descriptive words. So here, my level of civility must be maintained.
    I can't speak from a level of experience, having children or being married, I am probably younger that you are. But I can tell you that. Oftentimes people 'decide' to stay in relationships for the wrong reasons. And I can say pretty much the same when it comes to relationships with parents. I can related to a certain aspect of your experience with your parents, but I also can tell you that you are responsible first and foremost for your own self, and later on for your children. I hope you will see with time that being around your parents is not helping you, not to say that it can create more damage than good at times.

    I first thought you may have some chemical incompatibility with the father of the child. But that is not all that important as of now. What you need to decide is is it worth being with the person, not just for your own happiness and sanity, but also for your children. Here probably people have said some of the same, I briefly skimmed over, so apology if that was covered already. My intuition strongly tells me you are just in the wrong relationship. And I know that sounds a bit hard, but if you are writing about this, it means you have already your own doubts in that particular direction.

    I sometimes get a bit frustrated when people star putting labels as being 'strong' by undertaking a certain level of negativity, hardship, BS ( sorry but that word is the best ) and the like. I strongly disagree with the notion that 'we come here to suffer, and we need to be strong'. So, from that point of view I would just say that you need to be happy and be able to appreciate the beauty in life. That is a bit difficult when you are in a constant state of turmoil. I hope you will figure things out.

    I am sending you some fluffy and airy dreams and colorful thoughts, and some extra extra care and respect for your self.


    My dad said once 'soul-mates, they exist, but they are also many, not just that one ( you think you are in a relationship with at present )'.
    And my dad is wise, and with lots of experience in many difficult situations.

    PS. I know you are not my biggest fan, but I did want to support you, and help you in a way.
    Last edited by chocolate; 12th April 2014 at 08:55.

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    Default Re: 4 Months Pregnant, Feel Like Complete #$&@

    Molly, I hope you are doing better. hopefully feeling stronger and more clear headed. My next advice would be to tackle what bothers you the most. When you are ready what bothers you the most can be addressed. Some of it will be easy, some of it will not. But its a starting point as well.

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    United States Avalon Member Molly's Avatar
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    Default Re: 4 Months Pregnant, Feel Like Complete #$&@

    I guess I should update the post since its been a couple months now.
    Not long after I had made this forum post, I did get 2 job interviews for part time work. I didn't get either job, but it at least made me optimistic enough to get up off my butt, make myself look presentable, and go be around strangers, partaking in human-to-human dialog...ya know, like 'normal' people do. I'm thankful they at least considered me.
    The boyfriend and I still aren't living together. Matter of fact he spent the entire day yesterday with his ex then tried to dump me over the phone through text messages. Very manly of him. But he did go with me to my 22 week ultrasound last month. The baby is a boy I've not picked out a name. The doctor says he's the perfect size and approximate weight for how far along he is, checked out his heart, kidneys, bloodflow, etc.. and they say he's very healthy and normal looking so far.
    I got all my sons old things out of the attic at my parents house.. crib, clothes, things like that. So I think we will be fine despite me being broke.
    Thanks everybody <3

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