Advice Sought - Emotional and Legal

[mosquito]

I’m not very good at asking for help, nor at standing up for myself, which is why I’m in the situation I’m in now.

To cut a long story short, when I lived in Peru, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant from an encounter she’d had before we met. Instead of ending the relationship, I forgave her and decided to raise the child as my own. The pregnancy was fine, our relationship was great and I felt a real bond with the baby. The night she was in labour, I had a powerful dream in which I met the baby and he told me he was here to teach me unconditional love.

Then when he appeared, I felt absolutely nothing, but I still signed his birth certificate. It hurts me to write this now, remembering my feelings, and lack of them. The following months were like torture – I knew I was being completely unauthentic, yet how to explain the dream ? How to explain the bonding in-utero ? Since this time, I’ve known self-loathing like never before.

Life eventually gave me a kick – I was extremely ill and had to return to the UK to get help. From then I’ve been working in Asia, never feeling right, never really happy, never in touch with my intuition.

If you’ve got this far, thanks. Now to the crux of the matter.

Last year, my ex-girlfriend decided to pursue me for child-maintenance, and accompanied the claim with some false accusations. I was advised by a British consular official to legally settle the matter of paternity. I said I wasn’t keen to do that, as the child would be the one to get hurt. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that it would be OK to help her financially (there are enough hungry, homeless children in Peru, what did my need for authenticity matter ?) and we agreed on an amount. But, predictably, things have got out of hand, and her demands are getting more frequent and more outrageous. Sooooooo ….. I’ve decided I need to get the paternity issue sorted out, but I don’t like the fact I have to hurt someone in order to be true to myself.

There are a lot of savvy people here and a lot of wordly-wise people too, so I’m asking for some advice.

Am I doing the right thing ? I believe I am, but there is a horribly strong voice telling me what a bastard I am.

Secondly, for someone with legal knowledge – what’s the best way to go about it ? Do I :

1. Stop paying her, wait for her to denounce me, then defend the case ? Or
2. Initiate a paternity suit ?

If the latter, can I do it under UK law, from China, or would I need to do it under Peruvian law ?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[sheme]

I have no expertise but I would have thought that DNA test is all you need- I would do nothing but discuss your planned D N A proof request with her - "be reasonable or I will be forced to withdraw my support for your child". However you do not have to withdraw your support, sadly you will have to threaten to do so it seems.
The child can know your affection goes beyond a blood link a true and caring human link that came to you in a dream. Guilt is something no one can help you with. But we none of us can take responsibility for other peoples actions. Instead help each other as best we can while we can. No Guilt.

[Hervé]

Check this post (<---) visit Eve Lorgen website... and determine if any of it applies?

[Sidney]

I think she has taken you for a long ride. Get the DNA test and step off the boat. Its not your biological child. Unconditional love pertains to yourself as well. Standing up for yourself, in turn will teach the child to stand up for himself when the time comes..

[ulli]

The force which is driving your ex to demand ever-increasing child support is in my view directly related to the loathing you feel for yourself.
And there is an invisible line that goes back on both sides, into history. She might be pushed by friends and family to screw the white guy for all he's got. Meanwhile you represent the collective guilt of colonialist society.

The child you met in the dream was a fragmented part of yourself, which would eventually lead you, through his physical existence, to the wholeness from which unconditional love can flow.

So the first step is to get this thing sorted out at the mental level.
Yes, we are all one. All are part of the tree of life.
But we are also individual leaves on that tree.

Only when you can hold these two seemingly opposite concepts side by side, and see both as true, can you begin to figure out your dilemma.
Being British, your cultural background makes you vulnerable to the Latin perspective, which is colored by their past as colonial subjects. Survival skills were developed at the individual level, which are often shocking to Westerners.
So you got sucked into the guilt trip of your ancestors...and thus your journey to self love (shudder, shudder, I know) could begin.
Meanwhile she is probably coaxed on by her friends and family to screw you for everything you've got. This is not going to stop by itself, unless YOU decide what outcome you want to see.
The real power is not in the DNA test, nor the authorities. It is inside of you.

I want to tell you that I sympathize, and that I love you, Mariposafe.
Quit the self loathing, and the rest will sort itself out.
Unconditional love begins with the love you have for yourself,
as much as for others. You are worth it.

[Orph]

Posted by mariposafe (here)
The night she was in labour, I had a powerful dream in which I met the baby and he told me he was here to teach me unconditional love.

No one can teach you unconditional love. That is something that is within you, and unconditional love simply "is". You have to find that for yourself, within yourself. It can't be taught. You're beating yourself up over something that is, in a sense, false pretenses. I'm not saying you aren't learning some kind of esoteric lesson in all this, but it isn't about unconditional love. If you use this as an inner journey to help you find that which you already posses, (unconditional love), then so be it.

My point is, that dream has nothing to do with unconditional love or you wouldn't be so tore up inside feeling you're betraying a child. Unconditional love isn't going to lay a guilt trip on you. Do what you have to to extricate yourself from this situation. Know that life isn't perfect. Sometimes there is no good solution. Sometimes your only choices are bad and badder. You have to forgive yourself and move on. ............. Hmmmmmmm. Forgive yourself, and unconditional love. See a connection?

[ghostrider]

you have the right to know if the baby is yours ... if it turns out not to be , I would still help some with the child ... a baby needs a father figure ... She should pursue the real father for the bulk of her needs ... people need to take responsibility for their actions ... far too much , a woman has a child , the real father is overlooked and the man with morals gets hit with another mans responsibility ... I love the saying , what you do today , you live with tomorrow ...

[Snoweagle]

The problem he has is, he knew the baby wasn't his, as she was already pregnant when they met. He accepted this. When the child was born, he allowed his name to be entered into the birth certificate contract.
The paternity test will satisfy the courts.

Is she right to persue him, absolutely yes. Unlike the birth contract, between bank and person, he bestowed an unconditional love promise unto her which she agreed to accept. It is the betrayal of this bond that is the cause of the acrimony between them now. imho

[Lifebringer]

Have your paternity lawyer do a deposition based upon the information you've just given us, "record it." Admit also that you agreed to sign and be responsible for a child that isn't yours, yet even if the child was yours, the amounts are getting worse and worse and you don't even see the child. This will put her in a position to use some or all of the money, based upon child support, for visitation and I hope you're not taking this out on the child, because it neither knows, nor cares who stepped up to the plate to claim father, and didn't ask to be in the same situation, you yourself are in. You've both been duped, and perhaps after the child is 18 or if it acts up as a teen, you can drop a little hint, to make it ask mom, if you stood up, when the real father wouldn't. This will allow the child to see you for who and what you really are, and this unconditional love for each other bought together by these circumstances, can help you build a bond, and the child will eventually tell MOM to back off, if it's hurting your pocket so badly. Tell her "let's go to Maury Povitch and find the kids dad, so she can help drain his pocket.

[Rich]

You said he is there to teach you unconditional love, what do you feel is the most loving thing you can do?

[Mu2143]

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[Mu2143]

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[Mu2143]

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[DeDukshyn]

Unconditional love contains no real sacrifice of self (it contains no sacrifices - because a sacrifice is due to a condition), but rather, it contains ultimate self respect. ou cannot get to that ultimate self respect state until you practice it. You cannot practice it without an opportunity. My 2 cents

You are doing the right thing and good luck!

[Tony]

Unconditional love has nothing to do with ordinary physical conditional love.

Unconditional love does not rely on conditions...it is a state of being, and we are in our right mind.
Conditional love relies on conditions...it is a state of wanting, and we are not in our right mind.

We must be skilful in our understanding.
If “I” am giving, if "I" am being generous, this is a relative activity. It is dualistic, therefore cannot be unconditional.
At the deeper Absolute level, generosity is non-clinging, totally letting be, and this is unconditional.
The two can work together, but we must not confuse them.

We firstly have to know our true capacity: unfortunately, we are mostly blind .
One of the great problems in the "new age" movement is that phrases are bandied around but often misunderstood.

Unconditional love is enlightened love. We cannot have unconditional love for another individual.
That is merely conditional love coloured up.

Unconditional love is the same love for everyone, whether good or bad. It is non-judgemental,
and sees everything that arises in the mind as one taste.

This is the highest understanding, at the level of a Bodhisattva or a Buddha.

When it comes to the physical world, we have to be skilful, and much depends on with whom we are dealing.

If we do not have insight, we are in the dark, and the emotions are in control.
We have all done things we regret, but we learn. We are not perfect yet...and we are not door mats.

If we do the right thing to feel good, we end up in mental turmoil.
If we do right thing with no expectation, we end up in inner peace.

Conclusion: we all make mistakes and have to accept the result (karma).
But don't have to keep making the same mistake

When I go to Nepal, there will be people befriending me for money, and I understand that. It's what they have to do.
If the moment is right, one just gives - but one does not then have to be locked into giving.
There is no end to people's needs. We do what we can and move on.

There will always be suffering in the world, as we are merely sentient beings.

Give, let go, move on.


Tony

[Sierra]

Mariposafe,

May be it is not an either/or situation but a both/and.

Resolve the paternity issue for clarity, and continue to send what you understand to be a loving amount that you can afford.

Love, Sierra

[Delight]

It sounds like initially after the birth, you did not feel the connection you hoped to feel.
Actually birth mothers don't always even feel initial "attachment" and the attachment comes with caring.
There are lots of "myths" about parenting like other myths.

It sounds like the mother and you had a romance that did not blossom into life partnership.
maybe this flush of romance over rode the true feelings about being a father??
You sound "torn up" and being in conflict is not a healthy coherent place.

This touched me because though you may not be the father biologically, you took the child "on" because you signed on to be the father.
I can place myself in your shoes and the child's shoes because as you said, it is hard to grow up "poor" and your support helps.
You have the right to step out of the relationship but you did not yet.

This looks to become more easily legally solved with a paternity test. I doubt that you would be held responsible with a DNA test that does not match.
Also, you will want to let go of the "relationship" with the child and this will be about your beliefs and conscience "ideas" of what is important.

Everyone can also take things as "far" as they can be taken given this is a duality sphere. Could unconditional be how we hold two seeming oppositions as equally valuable? May that take cuss off feeling stuck? May we still choose "something" preferable and let go of the polar choice?

This IS an off the wall look here at 5:15 choosing what happens will be wonderful for you and all concerned. sorry if this seems "too much" but I admire the Essassani concept that meaning is what we decide.....
Best of everything intended for you, mother and child.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=mCB16CBkaf8

[mosquito]

Thanks for everyone's replies.

In case it wasn't clear - taking responsibility for the fact I signed a piece of paper, and helping her financially IS NOT the issue. I'm comfortable with that. The issue is that she is now not playing fair. For example: when I left Peru, I GAVE her a house. The fact that she ;let it fall in to disrepair is apparently now my fault. On 2 occasions, she claims to have been robbed after collecting the money I sent her. Despite me telling her, rightly, that the money becomes her responsibility once it's in her hands, she seems to think it's my duty to simply send her more ! Her sister has, apparently had an accident, and - you've guessed - it's my responsibility to help. I've also learned from a friend that she's had another baby with a disappearing man, which goes a long way to explaining why her needs have suddenly increased.

The optimal outcome is that the legal issue is settled, (not because I believe in the infallibility of man's laws, not because I perceive myself to have been duped, but because she is effectively blackmailing me and I need to end it) and that the child is cared for. So my ideal solution would still see me helping her. That's the loving thing to do but, as is so often the case in my life, when I try to do the loving thing, I get shat on.

The other aspect of this which I'm struggling with handling is that it reflects strongly on my own childhood. But that's for me to work through.

I know it sounds stupid, but I really have no idea how to proceed with the DNA test, not because I'm a moron but because I'm living in China, and seriously doubt whether a DNA test taken here would be considered "valid" in Peru or the UK. Anyone who thinks I'm being silly obviously hasn't had to deal with Peruvian bureaucracy OR Chinese "efficiency" (ahem, cough cough). So, I'd still be grateful for any advice from one of the forum's lawyers.

Thanks everyone for reading and giving your views, it's been very hard to open up about this and I appreciate being able to.

[Heartsong]

If you were the father of the child, you would have a legal responsibility to support the child and the Mother would have legal standing to pursue payments.

If you have the evidence that the child is not yours, the Mother has no legal standing to pursue payments. Any payments you make toward the welfare of the child are gifts. The Mother can still pursue payments from the birth father.

[NancyV]

I don't see how she can possibly collect child support from you while she is living in Peru and you are in China or the UK. Peru is not one of the reciprocal countries for child support with the US and may not be with the UK or China. Even if she were to bring a lawsuit against you it could cost her a lot of time (maybe years), hassle and money and she may not be successful. I would suggest that you tell her that since the child is not yours and you have no influence in it's life or upbringing, you will not give her any more money.

Personally I never sued my ex husband for child support. Each of us paid the children's expenses when we could. When he didn't have much money I paid and when he made more money he sent me some. But he also got to see the children any time he and they wanted and they were happy going back and forth. I don't believe that if a man has absolutely no presence in a child's life and no relationship with a child that he should be obligated to pay for the child. In your case where the child is NOT yours I don't see even a small karmic obligation. Yes it was rather stupid to accept that your name was used as the father. It was a naive mistake. But that should not mean you have to pay forever.

How about you just tell her no more money, then stop ALL contact with her....if she eventually finds you and successfully brings a case against you, then demand a DNA test and say you were coerced or pressured into pretending to be the father and that it was a mistake. You are just a patsy for her at this time and as long as you continue paying you will be a patsy. Basically you helped her when you were there, gave her a house and money, and now that it's over she still wants more and will always want more! Feeling guilty is totally non productive. We all make mistakes....get over it and move on with your life. I would bet that she won't ever get to the point of bringing a legal case against you and if she does, and if they find you, she won't be successful.