From Trauma to Transformation : Kathy Collins' Story

[RunningDeer]

Posted by Shadowself (here)
This forgiveness thing for me is particularly hard. I'll admit that. How do you forgive the murder of your son? How? Somebody please tell me how.

With the loss of my son, I had to forgive myself until the greater perspective was/is understood. Even after all these years there are triggers that help me understand from another perspective. It’s an ongoing process.

Forgive what you can forgive.
Forgive yourself of what you are unable to forgive.
Forgive what’s held within: anger, rage, guilt, confusion, sadness…

RunningDeer ♡

UPDATE: In my attempts to understand, cope and accept, I was grateful that it was suicide rather than someone taking Michael's life. Shadowself, I can't begin imagine what you feel.

[Bill Ryan]

.
I am woefully ill-equipped to reply adequately to some of the deep and moving posts that have been shared here. If anything, the message for me personally is one of deep gratitude for everything I have and am.

We are blessed, every day, all of us — but some mornings we have to look around just a little to find and see it.

I feel some emotional charge sometimes about some things I've experienced, or lost, but this is NOTHING compared to many, many others.

Please do read this short post here, from back in 2011. (The experience I refer to happened in Nairobi, Kenya, in 1989.) I feel this is related.

An experience that changed my life

[Shadowself]

Posted by RunningDeer (here)

Posted by Shadowself (here)
This forgiveness thing for me is particularly hard. I'll admit that. How do you forgive the murder of your son? How? Somebody please tell me how.

With the loss of my son, I had to forgive myself until the greater perspective was/is understood. Even after all these years there are triggers that help me understand from another perspective. It’s an ongoing process.

Forgive what you can forgive.
Forgive yourself of what you are unable to forgive.
Forgive what’s held within: anger, rage, guilt, confusion, sadness…

RunningDeer ♡

UPDATE: In my attempts to understand, cope and accept, I was grateful that it was suicide rather than someone taking Michael's life. Shadowself, I can't begin imagine what you feel.

Thanks RunningDeer...I needed to hear that.
So sorry for your loss.

[bogeyman]

How often has these type of experiences occurred? How many are still suffering has we speak here?

All I can say with all the lost, hardship, emotional and physical, keep strong for we all have experienced some form of pain in one form or another, and how we deal with that pain tells a lot about us, human nature and others than surround us.

[Shadowself]

Posted by Bill Ryan (here)
.


We are blessed, every day, all of us — but some mornings we have to look around just a little to find and see it.

Bill this is so important. This is the thing that has personally kept me going. I count my blessings EVERY DAY. I have been very blessed. Though I've suffered a tragic loss at that hands of a ritual murder and I can very well prove this as you know....I was and AM blessed and just see this world for what it actually is without that aspect.

I thank my lucky stars every day I was/am here to share it with those I love the most.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=6BkT6-CDIjw

[lightwalker]

Well, if this helps anyone.....I learned a long time ago that forgiveness is not something one can do. It is not a "doingness."
You can't practice it, make it happen, choose it or force it.

I find it enters into my being when I see the bigger picture and realize that "they"...whoever they are, were only doing what they knew was right for them. And in an even bigger picture it was all part of one's journey into separateness.

My only and most powerful doing in my life's experiences is Loving myself first and foremost and Loving all else.. It's the only thing that brings me all the other things I yearn for. Things like courage, tenacity, joy, harmony, curiosity, excitement, perseverance and oneness.

lightwalker

[Selkie]

Posted by lightwalker (here)
Well, if this helps anyone.....I learned a long time ago that forgiveness is not something one can do. It is not a "doingness."
You can't practice it, make it happen, choose it or force it.

I find it enters into my being when I see the bigger picture and realize that "they"...whoever they are, were only doing what they knew was right for them. And in an even bigger picture it was all part of one's journey into separateness.

My only and most powerful doing in my life's experiences is Loving myself first and foremost and Loving all else.. It's the only thing that brings me all the other things I yearn for. Things like courage, tenacity, joy, harmony, curiosity, excitement, perseverance and oneness.

lightwalker

(my emphasis)

That has been my experience, too. In my experience, forgiveness is not something one does, it is something that happens, all by itself, if and/or when the time is right. And if it never happens, that is ok, too.

I also agree with your statement about the journey into separateness. It is very, very damaging to be denied your separateness, and to have your unique being smothered by another, for any reason at all.

[Caylen]

Posted by Shadowself (here)

How do you forgive the murder of your son?

Hi Shadowself,

I cannot imagine losing a child and have no authority to speak to this. My heart goes out to you! The worst and most terrifying memory I recalled was that of watching another child being sacrificed. My own pain was nothing compared to being a witness and being unable to prevent the act from happening. As an empath, I cannot even watch fake murders in movies unless they are so stylized as to be unreal. The thought of losing one of my own children is a place I refuse to go. And I think that can speak to mothers in general.

No one should expect to jump from pain to forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a goal, but an natural outcome of healing. It is a milestone of sorts that tells you where you are on your journey up the mountainside.

Be gentle with yourself. Let the grief run its course - there is healing in that process. My presentation could not cover all the nuances of a complex healing process. It was an overview - the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. It was to inspire people to use their pain to crack the cement off their Golden Buddha.

What I can do, however, is send you compassion and hope that it soothes you a bit.

Thank you for sharing. I know how much courage that takes.

Love, love, love,
Kathy

[Mike]

This video was exactly the opposite of what I expected. I expected tears and horror and sordid tales of illuminati abuse. You can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when what I got was smiles and laughter and upliftment and a tale of conquering one's demons and courageously facing all life's obstacles...no matter how horrific. Wow!

What an inspiration! Thank you so much Kathy! And you too Bill. Well done. Lots of love to you both!

[Hervé]

Now, here is another "Catch 22" from a guy by the name of Gurdjieff:

"I have already said before that sacrifice is necessary," said G. "Without sacrifice nothing can be attained. But if there is anything in the world that people do not understand it is the idea of sacrifice. They think they have to sacrifice something that they have. For example, I once said that they must sacrifice 'faith,' 'tranquillity,' 'health.' They understand this literally. But then the point is that they have not got either faith, or tranquillity, or health. All these words must be taken in quotation marks. In actual fact they have to sacrifice only what they imagine they have and which in reality they do not have. They must sacrifice their fantasies. But this is difficult for them, very difficult. It is much easier to sacrifice real things.

"Another thing that people must sacrifice is their suffering. It is very difficult also to sacrifice one's suffering. A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will not give up his suffering. Man is made in such a way that he is never so much attached to anything as he is to his suffering. And it is necessary to be free from suffering. No one who is not free from suffering, who has not sacrificed his suffering, can work. Later on a great deal must be said about suffering. Nothing can be attained without suffering but at the same time one must begin by sacrificing suffering. Now, decipher what this means."

[betoobig]

Shadowself, Shadowself... i felt you in your first post. Has this being recently??
PLease you don´t need to answer. LOve you

[gripreaper]

Reading this thread, after listening to the video, is bringing up stuff for me too. I was once having a very difficult time in a therapy session, and I shouted out: “There’s nothing more they can do to me, there’s nothing more they can take”… and my therapist turned to me and said, yes there is, you could lose your child.

What she meant to point out to me is that losing a child is the most painful thing anyone can ever experience in life. It’s hard for me to imagine how anyone, on a soul level, would choose that as an experience. I was humbled and it helped put my pain in perspective.

We are triune beings, and have the capacity to feel at the core, as sensations, around our boundary, as emotions, and with our mind, as cognition. The pain an infant feels in gestation, birth and infancy are sensations which occur on the brainstem core level, and when triggered, there is no way to rationalize them or put any kind of cognitive explanation to them. They just “are” and the only way to feel them is to not resist them or attach any story to them.

Over the course of years, and hundreds of sessions, both individual and group, I have rarely seen anyone who was able to have the catharsis to reconnect this part of the soul which was lost in infancy, because the energetic “charge” and the pervasive sensations in every cell of the body are so amplified, that the adrenaline fight of flight response wants to kick in and override the reconnection of this lost part. In other words, the survival instinct kicks in just like it did during the original imprint.

But it can be done. It seems like only really old souls are willing to take on this degree of intensity and depth of amplification, and the extreme polarization of the resonant field. It’s like carving a vessel, to make room for more power. I know this does not help those who are in pain, but we used to say in therapy that the pain is from the resistance to the return to the scene of the crime and that the actual catharsis is relieving and feels really great.

Once the energy is reconnected and that part of the soul which has been severed, and the agitated energy is reconnected, then the insights flood in, the anxiety disappears, the hormones readjust, the skin gets softer, the eyesight gets clearer, the tone and timbre of the world becomes more defined, and the feelings and passion becomes deeper and more connective.

It really is worth it. Fear and anger and grief are just the doorways into the place where one needs to go, and to allow the abject terror of an infant without any cognitive counterpart takes time, as well as allowing the anger to open the door for you. Grief is like a bowl, and it pours out until the bowl is empty. There is no set time on how long the bowl will take to empty, it just takes as long as it takes if we allow the grief to pour out. And pour it will, sometimes for months and sometimes for years, but you know what? When the grief bowl is empty, it stops. One day it will just stop.

Forgiveness can only come when the catharsis is complete and the energetic charge behind the trauma has been reconnected to the wholeness of the self, and that part of the soul which was lost has been retrieved, and the experience becomes just a memory without the resonant charge. No one can tell you when this has happened, and no one can know but yourself.

The one thing Kathy said which is so absolutely true is that our core is immutable. No matter what, there is a core in you that no one can take away, a place that no one can reach but yourself. This is what scares the Satanist more than anything, that they cannot reach this core.

If you are still here and you are still alive, there is hope. You can heal, yes you can. Thanks Kathy for your testimony, and this is my testimony.

[Bill Ryan]

-------

For all those interested, there have been quite a number of long, personal and heartfelt comments posted below the YouTube video... which is highly unusual. Nothing hostile whatsoever. (Equally unusual!)

Do read, if you care to... http://youtube.com/all_comments?v=_stICUMOWhc

[Gardener]

There is nothing to clip from this post it holds all the secrets of the universe. Please read again, then read again and study it word for word. If you never read another thing, these are the truest words. You want the truth, its a painful path, and its inside. Thank you to the beautiful souls who have selflessly poured out their priceless pearls for our understanding. (When Grip speaks, I listen)
Much love

Posted by gripreaper (here)
Reading this thread, after listening to the video, is bringing up stuff for me too. I was once having a very difficult time in a therapy session, and I shouted out: “There’s nothing more they can do to me, there’s nothing more they can take”… and my therapist turned to me and said, yes there is, you could lose your child.

What she meant to point out to me is that losing a child is the most painful thing anyone can ever experience in life. It’s hard for me to imagine how anyone, on a soul level, would choose that as an experience. I was humbled and it helped put my pain in perspective.

We are triune beings, and have the capacity to feel at the core, as sensations, around our boundary, as emotions, and with our mind, as cognition. The pain an infant feels in gestation, birth and infancy are sensations which occur on the brainstem core level, and when triggered, there is no way to rationalize them or put any kind of cognitive explanation to them. They just “are” and the only way to feel them is to not resist them or attach any story to them.

Over the course of years, and hundreds of sessions, both individual and group, I have rarely seen anyone who was able to have the catharsis to reconnect this part of the soul which was lost in infancy, because the energetic “charge” and the pervasive sensations in every cell of the body are so amplified, that the adrenaline fight of flight response wants to kick in and override the reconnection of this lost part. In other words, the survival instinct kicks in just like it did during the original imprint.

But it can be done. It seems like only really old souls are willing to take on this degree of intensity and depth of amplification, and the extreme polarization of the resonant field. It’s like carving a vessel, to make room for more power. I know this does not help those who are in pain, but we used to say in therapy that the pain is from the resistance to the return to the scene of the crime and that the actual catharsis is relieving and feels really great.

Once the energy is reconnected and that part of the soul which has been severed, and the agitated energy is reconnected, then the insights flood in, the anxiety disappears, the hormones readjust, the skin gets softer, the eyesight gets clearer, the tone and timbre of the world becomes more defined, and the feelings and passion becomes deeper and more connective.

It really is worth it. Fear and anger and grief are just the doorways into the place where one needs to go, and to allow the abject terror of an infant without any cognitive counterpart takes time, as well as allowing the anger to open the door for you. Grief is like a bowl, and it pours out until the bowl is empty. There is no set time on how long the bowl will take to empty, it just takes as long as it takes if we allow the grief to pour out. And pour it will, sometimes for months and sometimes for years, but you know what? When the grief bowl is empty, it stops. One day it will just stop.

Forgiveness can only come when the catharsis is complete and the energetic charge behind the trauma has been reconnected to the wholeness of the self, and that part of the soul which was lost has been retrieved, and the experience becomes just a memory without the resonant charge. No one can tell you when this has happened, and no one can know but yourself.

The one thing Kathy said which is so absolutely true is that our core is immutable. No matter what, there is a core in you that no one can take away, a place that no one can reach but yourself. This is what scares the Satanist more than anything, that they cannot reach this core.

If you are still here and you are still alive, there is hope. You can heal, yes you can. Thanks Kathy for your testimony, and this is my testimony.

[Shadowself]

Thank you all for your messages to me. But I don't want to detract from Kathy's message which is a good one.

So to Kathy directly from your message to me:

Yes seeing a child sacrifice is horrific. I know this all too well because I myself have seen this and it brought me to my knees and I sobbed for hours afterward. I will never forget it. In that sacrifice and ritual lily's were prominent in preparation which is why I was taken back by the lily's in your video. To this day they make me violently ill. It's the reason I went on to research this subject and find out what it was all about. In that research (long before my son died) I seemed to get a little too close to the truth and as a result they do what they do so well...they go after your family. This is nothing new if you have any value to them at all which it seems I do. Otherwise they would have just chosen to remove me from the picture.

Yes losing a child is the worst thing imaginable...it was meant to break me and shut me up. The problem with that is I'm much stronger than that. My resolve to find the truth was far greater than my grief which was unfathomable.

This video you put out is for people who have suffered and need healing. It's probably the most powerful message I've seen in a long time. I also feel it's part of your healing process to get this out...which is undoubtedly going to help many others.

I had a problem with the forgiveness because as I said my resolve is to find the truth. It's not just about me or my son it about all the children. The three lines RunningDeer gave me were probably the best thing I could hear. I'm not really as concerned with healing myself because I'm a pretty strong person. Much stronger than they gave me credit for. I may never be able to prove they killed my son but I CAN PROVE his death was as ritualistic as 9/11 and they will never be able to deny this EVER! EVER! When I do....then I can go home and not until then.

Thank you Kathy for presenting this massage which is far more important than my story.

[Limor Wolf]

Quietly tip toeing to this thread. For many reasons I can't comment much, for it is all too current and close to home.. I am very greatful for Kathy, she is saying how it is to be and feel powerful after living with chronic pain - physicaly and emotionaly where it's even difficult to follow conversations in such instances. I feel that she reaveals the 'beauty and the beast' that comes of those instances. One of the aspects that comes out of this is the unusual look on life with a pair of eyes that are far more wise, compassionate and with spiritual depth than the normal happenings allow, but the wish is that healing will begin, perheps from below and will impact the food chain In the opposite direction than normally accustomed

Kathy is fortunate to be 'discharged' at a relatively young age and worked hard for state of grace she is in, may benevolent hands keep embracing her and shadowself - two brave woman wherever they go.

Bill, thank you so much for taking upon yourself to shed a light on this dark matter, done in your own style of inspiring positive outcomes. Truth is, this is a long and arduous road and many didn't made it to safety. God bless them all ~

Limor

[Caylen]

Posted by Shadowself (here)
In that sacrifice and ritual lily's were prominent in preparation which is why I was taken back by the lily's in your video. To this day they make me violently ill.

Dear Shadowself,

I am deeply, deeply sorry about using the lilies in the video. I had no idea that this would be trigger for anyone. They just happened to be available at the time. Bill and I tried our utmost to make the scene as plain as possible in order to avoid triggers.

I understand perfectly about these triggers. I had a strong trigger to pentagrams after reliving a memory of a ritual where there was a giant one etched in the floor. I came up with the idea of "re-scripting visuals" so that it would not trigger me (my kids were watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so it was hard to avoid).

I decided to look up the usage of pentagrams to find their POSITIVE use. That led me into the world of the wiccans, etc. So I focused on its positive usage - for healing people and the planet. Now I simply see it as a symbol with no charge at all. I understand that everything has the capability to be used for good or bad. A hammer can be used to build a deck or break a window.

I remember hearing someone say that our world is meaningless. Things only have the meaning we assign to them. With that view, we have the power of choice to assign to things the meaning we truly wish.

I invite anyone to use this technique so they can reduce the number of triggers they encounter in their life. You don't have to be a SRA experiencer to benefit from this technique.

I send you my love and support on your path to wholeness.

It is a journey one takes one step at a time.

Love, love, love,
Kathy

[johnh]

When the perp is truly sorry and I know it, that is when I forgive.

Forgiveness, or whatever term that allows for more of the orchestrated nightmare on planet earth is more confusion or a subtle ploy for continuation. I do not believe that Jesus ever said to turn the other cheek. This sort of forgiveness is ultimately permission.

[Bill Ryan]

Posted by johnh (here)

When the perp is truly sorry and I know it, that is when I forgive.

I am a million miles from being an expert at this.

But, theoretically, I think it might work the other way round — at least sometimes:

In other words, if one can find it within oneself to genuinely forgive (and the key word there is genuinely)... then the perpetrator may 'get it' themselves and find a way to reach their own epiphany.

That kind of takes out the polarity — perpetrator/victim, abuser/abused. It's like if someone who has experienced something that most people would regard as pretty terrible no longer feels themselves to be abused... maybe the person who did whatever they did, might no longer see themselves as an abuser.

It might be all about breaking the cycle.

There's a counterpart to this, which I do have experience with. There may be some similarities or resonances.

Many years ago, I worked with teenagers who were regarded as 'problems' and who were dysfunctional in school, or in society. In many cases they had been abused, they came from terrible backgrounds, were on government programs, and I was contracted to work on those as a private outsource. The programs were fascinating, and I learned a huge, huge amount.

I found that I genuinely liked most of the kids I was working with. They just had problems relating and coping, and their solution to all this was all too often to retreat into criminality in various forms.

The issue there was often trust. The kids had lived for years in an atmosphere of total distrust. They didn't trust anyone else, no-one trusted them, and they didn't even trust themselves. Trust was just totally nowhere to be found in their world.

So I would set out to reverse all that, to break the cycle.

In a week long residential program, we would go abseiling/rappelling, and rock climbing, and do a bunch of other outdoor activities. I would show them that I trusted them, in a totally real situation — by (for instance) having one of these kids holding my safety rope in a theoretically dangerous situation. The situation was totally real, and the kids knew it.

They were astonished (and frightened!) that I absolutely trusted them with my safety. But 100% of the time, they responded perfectly, with great care and responsibility. I never came to any harm.

Sometimes, this totally transformed them... that they realized for themselves that they were capable of being trustworthy. For some, it was a significant, turnaround moment for them in their young lives.

For more in the same vein, do please take a brief moment to read this short, true story here — something that I also experienced myself when running a personal development training course:
The story of an epiphany. Should a toxic person leave a group, or hang in there and change their life?

This is not the same as forgiveness: but trust and forgiveness are kind of grouped together in the basket of higher human (and very spiritual) qualities.

@ johnh, thank you, and I totally understand what you mean. I just add this perspective above, from my own experience, in case it might be useful to this enormously valuable discussion.

[ulli]

It took me a while to summon the courage to listen to this interview and all I can say now is how glad I am that I did.

I congratulate you Kathy for having found your authentic self again after such horrific experiences.
You are an inspiration.

May all these perversions disappear from the face of this planet
and everyone dedicate their lives to what benefits the whole human race.