Dealing with verbal abuse

[petra]

Hi Everybody,

I could not really find any thread with tips on dealing with verbal abuse so any general suggestions are very welcome!

My problem is I find myself getting verbally assaulted sometimes, thankfully not that often, and it always leaves me quite shaken (literally). I actually start shaking, and the anxiety is absolutely awful too. I freeze up and I can barely get any words out!

I'd like to be able to calm down somehow, and this is embarrassing because usually the one yelling is just being a big bully.

I've managed to stop my own yelling.... but how to stop others, short of violence? :/

[Jancy]

There is not any good reason for someone to shout and verbally abuse you. I, myself, would buy some essential essence of Frankincense and dab it on myself. If say you are at work, dab it on yourself, if at home, put it an oil burner.

[OBwan]

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and coffee mug. Once I got rid of the fear, I could deal with the situation differently which resulted in more choices becoming available.

If the thought of the abuse triggers fear, the below process may remove those feelings.

Be In Peace,
OBwan

https://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...-Past-Memories

[Sequoia]

Try breathing right, immediately, deep breaths in through nose, out through mouth, in case of high anxiety or anger, hold your breathe in between til you can't any longer, it forces your muscle relax, and out…and again couple of times.
Another common breathing exercise is breathe in counting to four, hold and count to 4, breathe out counting to four, stop and count to four, and again and again…get oxygen in your brain not just stomach.
Then focus you activity to something you enjoy and makes you calm

[Kryztian]

If the verbal abuse is coming from people you know, you may want to ask what think about them in terms of Personality Disorders. Here are some of the Pesonality Disorder types that may produce verbally abusive people:

• Borderline
• Narcissistic
• Histrionic
• Passive Aggressive
• Sadistic
• Psycopathic

There are support groups and books about dealing with all of these personality types. For Borderline Personality (big self righteous yellers) some friends have recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder."

When people yell at us we often find our selves questioning ourselves "what did I do wrong?" No matter how infantile and insidious the person doing the yelling is, it is hard not to feel hurt and take their accusations seriously, at least at a subconscious level.

When someone I don't know talks abusively, I suggest

1) Take a step back and detach yourself from the situation. Briefly, become aware of other objects in the room, other sounds, smells, etc. You can probably do this in the time it takes for one deep breath. Also, taking a good deep breath signals to the abuser that you are not going to engage them at their level.

2) Depending on the situation, a little bit of sarcasm might put a bit of distance between you and the abuser. You might want to roll your eyes for just a second, just to signal them that their behavior isn't threatening you and their behavior makes it difficult to take them seriously. Of course, you might not have the luxury of sarcasm, if it is an employer, potential wealthy customer, or someone wielding a gun, in which case, skip this step.

3) Acknowledge their feelings, but do not necessarily acknowledge their claims. You might say "I understand you are angry" as opposed to "I understand I caused your misfortune."

4) Keep monitoring your own feelings. If you feel you are getting sucked into a vortex of emotion, remember to focus on your breath and to be aware of the other sights, sounds and smells of your environment.

5) Change the wavelength of the conversation. If they shout, speak softly, but audibly. If they speak fast, respond in a slower tone. If they use swear words, make sure your speech is clean and dignified. This may cause them to change their thought patterns and could give you more control of the situation.

6) Reward good behavior. If they change their tone, or are suddenly more understanding about your own needs and desires, respond with a smile or an especially pleasant tone of voice.

7) If you can't think clearly while they are present and if you can't find a solution to the problem, try and postpone finding a resolution. "Let me think about it and I will get back to you tomorrow."

8) Work towards the goal of resolving and ending the conflict. If they continue in their abusive manner respond with a firm "That's all I have to say right now. Good Day."

If you don't have to deal with abusive people, they are not worth the time of day. Unfortunately, they are not always avoidable, so it is best to think of them as a learning opportunity, and chance to be better at managing other's bad behaviors. Learning to successfully deal with this people does give one a sense of achievement.

Good luck!

[Citizen No2]

A week-past Sunday, I was walking my dog when I encountered a very angry Human Being.

After a short but very angry exchange that included the very angry Human Being dropping his bag, screaming (Bruce Lee style), then throwing a karate stance (which was all wrong), the very angry Human Being said these words:

"the next time I see you I'm going to murder you".

I don't mind admitting, it threw me a bit.......... In those types of situations I would've expected: "I'm gonna kill you", etc,etc, not: "the next time I see you I'm going to murder you".

I just laughed. That made him worse, but I just kept on laughing. This was a man that would be around 50yrs old, 55. I laughed and then said: "You are a very angry Human Being, a very rude man". This countered the violence that I reckon was only a few seconds away. I can handle myself and am confident in my own ability, but I would've been devastated if it had've resulted in violence.......... I find that lowering your voice, not using any swear-words, acting a little dumb (lowers the potential for any shenanigans) and breathing, three deep breaths before responding........ And a little laughter usually works.

Bizarre situation. I felt sorry for the guy after the confrontation and wondered what was going on in his life to be so angry toward a complete stranger.


Regards.

[Apulu]

I feel this kind of thing is really, really important. It shows us in a very vivid way what we could most do with working on - where our over-blown emotional respones lie. The freezing up comes from fear, and the physical symptoms there-of - adrenaline and emergency support systems getting in the way of normal brain function!

Step number one - take responsibility for the way you feel, and own it. Nothing anybody says or does is responsible for the way you feel emotionally. You are. This is hard - hard as hell, and I'm still working on it after 15 years of commitment - it's a huge step. It doesn't excuse someones behavior towards you, and it doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself - in fact I feel you have an essential obligation to do that in most of these situations, and this this is the only way to truly achieve that. The perpetrator is asking to be taught a lesson, but it will only ever work if the feedback is controlled.

Begin to analyse where your fear responses are coming from, from a space of presence and awareness (harder than it sounds!) - once they are understood better, they should begin to lesson, and you stand a chance of ridding yourself from them completely. A bully is paid a huge service from someone who is able to stand their ground, give immediate feedback, and not be affected by their antics - it can totally change behavior, instantly.

Good luck!

[Anchor]

It is entirely wrong for anyone to do this to you.

The cause is nothing to do with you and you should not go there, let there be no guilt!

Even if they are picking on something you may think you did wrong, there is no justification for verbal assault or any mode of communication that is harmful.

This is not on you. You are not doing anything wrong, you are not to blame in that moment.

--

You need not be affected but you are, so you need to figure out how to not be.

Life seems to throws these challenges at most people sooner or later, but it stops as soon as you figure out the way it works on you and how you can deal with it.

I would start by figuring out why these attacks shake you up so much.

I think that the main reason anyone gets affected like this is that they become energetically engaged in the assault (usually an emotional nature) - once that happens your higher mind is obscured and your lower mind is engaged in fight or flight stress reactions which obscures your ability to step aside of these limitations and see it clearly from your higher perspective.

You need to find ways to disengage - right from the start - if its the same person over and over again, you can easily spot the signs of the coming storms.

It is obvious that complications will exist when it is just one person doing this again and again, perhaps a person you love. You are so much more likely to be invested in that joint energy, that a deliberate attempt at disengagement from it is much harder to do because you might feel it is somewhat treacherous to the values you envisage that comprise the bond between you. However, this is, in my opinion, a bit deluded. It is also unsafe and makes it much harder, almost impossible in fact to climb your way back up to a clear and higher perspective.

By disengaging from the attack, you are not letting anyone down. You are exercising your sovereignty as a fully empowered, free individual entity, a part of that which binds us all.

You need to find the space to "see" what is really going on in that moment, seems hard to do when the fires of abuse are aimed at you, yet you can, with a thought, have them calmly breeze past, mute and impotent.

You need not suffer.

[Flash]

When that happens to me, knowing there is a childhood pattern of being screamed at with me, I learned to ask myself those questions - and most importantly without guilt, judgments, plainly just as an observer of my own behavior/thinking:

1. What in me still feels as a victim? (therefore calling for a torturer)
2. What in me still feels like I have to give myself away to other's whims?
3. Is there any guilt left anywhere (that usually would not be mine to start with)?
4. What am I presently thinking that provokes negativity in others?

I am very aware that negativity may come from the other and that I may not have much to do with it, apart from taking in some lessons that are useful to my life.

Then, I will exercise these:

a. Forgiveness to myself
b. Tender caring and love for myself - as I do for my daughter.
c. Withdraw from the situation, because of self respect and self love - but I mean absolute withdrawal, without hesitation, judgments, guilt, manipulation. In some cases, with some people, direct confrontation may work as well, but it may backfire too. However, holding one's ground, peacefully, firmly, with heart and without hesitations usually works as well.

I also learned that when there is a behavioral pattern that has to be broken between people, if I start changing my behavior, it may take up to 6 months before the switching of behavior in all those involved occurs in a given situation and that in the meantime it may peak with more troublesome behaviors (unless with a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist, see next paragraph).

I also learned to diagnose the situation and the other person involved because I now know that if I am dealing with a sociopath, a psychopath or a narcissist, they will not change and they will persist until their prey is on the floor, energitically bleeding. They will suck their prey until death, even if it looks counterproductive to them at first glance. In these cases, I plainly leave and block all access to me, from anywhere, block it all including the energetic and physical access.

I try not to judge, just observe and take decisions based on this - my barometer is "this does not make me feel good, it depletes me of energy, and I feel manipulated" therefore I withdraw or take a firm stance.

---------------

Krystian post above is quite good as well, and those with these mental health problems won't be able to stop their behavior unless they go on therapy and get substantial help, which they usually won't, except for bordeline.

produce verbally abusive people:
•Borderline
•Narcissistic
•Histrionic
•Passive Aggressive
•Sadistic
•Psycopathic

[Sierra]

Suzette Hadin Elgin is a psycholinguist who has written several books on the subject (and some darn good sci fi as well). I find her simply brilliant.

https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Ve...te+Haden+Elgin

[Sean]

Posted by petra (here)
Hi Everybody,

I could not really find any thread with tips on dealing with verbal abuse so any general suggestions are very welcome!

My problem is I find myself getting verbally assaulted sometimes, thankfully not that often, and it always leaves me quite shaken (literally). I actually start shaking, and the anxiety is absolutely awful too. I freeze up and I can barely get any words out!

I'd like to be able to calm down somehow, and this is embarrassing because usually the one yelling is just being a big bully.

I've managed to stop my own yelling.... but how to stop others, short of violence? :/

I know no one will like this response..but, I train MA,so..

FIRST: If this is at work, inform HR and keep a running journal of the incidents. Next: If HR does nothing, contact upper mgmt/ownership directly. Bullies/sociopaths at work kill morale and productivity, which loses the company money. Now, if this is something happening in your personal life, or, on the street..different story.

The only thing that stops a bully(They chose you because, at some point, you showed weakness in some way) is a completely thorough, and utterly righteous ass-whuppin'. If you can't fight, get some MA training.This person does not respect you, and, especially if this is a workplace situation, the bully might get others to join in. This could get really bad.

Verbal abuse is an assault. Protect yourself.

[petra]

Posted by OBwan (here)
If the thought of the abuse triggers fear, the below process may remove those feelings.

This sounds like just what I need! Yes, the fearful feeling is what I want to get rid of, Thanks OBwan!

I am so pleased by the amount of helpful responses, I'll need to read the rest when I get home and take some notes!

The next time this happens I want to be prepared

[rgray222]

One of the best things you can do is ground yourself, take a few deep breaths, go someplace you feel comfortable, touch something familiar, smell something you like, sit in a chair that you are used to. Get as many of your senses involved in a familiar comfortable surrounding. After the shaking stops look for a few threads/websites that discuss removing toxic people from your life. If the toxic person is a family member it is more difficult but it can be done.
I wish you the best
R

[petra]

Posted by Kryztian (here)
When people yell at us we often find our selves questioning ourselves "what did I do wrong?" No matter how infantile and insidious the person doing the yelling is, it is hard not to feel hurt and take their accusations seriously, at least at a subconscious level.

This must be what's happening! Yes, I'm immediately feeling guilty for having done something wrong, and maybe even guiltier for not really knowing what! Thanks for those extremely helpful tips on how to fix it too, #5 and #6 I think are going to help immensely if it happens again in the workplace.

[petra]

Posted by Citizen No2 (here)
I just laughed. That made him worse, but I just kept on laughing.

I'd love to get up enough courage to laugh sometimes, depending on situation of course. I might have laughed at crazy murdering ninja guy too, that sounds pretty funny Very bizarre definitely, that would give me the creeps for sure

[Flash]

Posted by petra (here)

Posted by OBwan (here)
If the thought of the abuse triggers fear, the below process may remove those feelings.

This sounds like just what I need! Yes, the fearful feeling is what I want to get rid of, Thanks OBwan!

I am so pleased by the amount of helpful responses, I'll need to read the rest when I get home and take some notes!

The next time this happens I want to be prepared

That makes me think of what my daughter is telling me about the people she works with. They are deeply autistic or mentally retarded, and do things nobody would ever think of doing. She takes it with a heartfelt laugh, telling me they are cute, that she loves them and that they make her laugh. Luckily, otherwise it would be quite tragic.

She told me once she took the bus with two of them, one of them will speak somewhat coherently then swictch to gibberish as if the conversation was still going on normally. The other one would just keep singing the same sentence again and again. She is talking to the one who turns to gibberish, and as he goes into the gibberish part, she exclaimed "X (his name) you know very well I do not speak German. Come back to French". The whole bus started heartily laughing, him included and he returned to understandable language.

She is learning to protect herself while taking it lightly.

[petra]

Posted by workingactor (here)
I know no one will like this response..but, I train MA,so..

FIRST: If this is at work, inform HR and keep a running journal of the incidents. Next: If HR does nothing, contact upper mgmt/ownership directly. Bullies/sociopaths at work kill morale and productivity, which loses the company money. Now, if this is something happening in your personal life, or, on the street..different story.

Oh I think this is very good advice, but in my case the owner did not care, to him it was just a problem we had to work out between us.

Posted by workingactor (here)
The only thing that stops a bully(They chose you because, at some point, you showed weakness in some way) is a completely thorough, and utterly righteous ass-whuppin'

My friend offered to kick their ass for me and I said no.

I'd rather teach them a lesson, I might have a few choice words if I can manage to get them out! Someone suggested sarcasm and eye rolling, that's more my style. I think I could get away with it in the workplace too

[petra]

Posted by Sierra (here)
Suzette Hadin Elgin is a psycholinguist who has written several books on the subject (and some darn good sci fi as well). I find her simply brilliant.

Thanks Sierra, this is super helpful! I've no access to library but I did find her site and it looks excellent! I'm checking out the FAQ. There's one for kids too, that one will help my childish self

http://adrr.com/aa/

[petra]

Posted by Apulu (here)
I feel this kind of thing is really, really important. It shows us in a very vivid way what we could most do with working on - where our over-blown emotional respones lie. The freezing up comes from fear, and the physical symptoms there-of - adrenaline and emergency support systems getting in the way of normal brain function!

Yes I do too, and it's how I am physically reacting that is so distressing. I recall one incident over the telephone, left me shaking for at least 5 mins. I was actually going around showing people how much I was shaking, and thankfully it subsided pretty quickly. Another girl had to deal with that SAME nasty customer right after me, and I watched her. She was so cool and calm and I thought "why can't I do that?"

OBWan posted a nice link with exercises, and it seems like it'll work if I practice, I'll definitely let the forum know if it does.

Posted by Apulu (here)
Begin to analyse where your fear responses are coming from, from a space of presence and awareness (harder than it sounds!) - once they are understood better, they should begin to lesson, and you stand a chance of ridding yourself from them completely.

That's what I am going for, find & remedy the root cause, and that in turn will fix the symptoms.

[kirolak]

I've just found out that an astonished, "I never knew you were a bully! Something awful must have happened to you!" throws them for a while. . .