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Thread: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

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    United States Avalon Member Whisper's Avatar
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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Thank you so much for your post IndigoSpiral.
    I sure apprechiate this very much. I will read the posted links and everything, more close and detailed later on for sure.

    Looks like we are sitting in the same boat at the time.

    What you wrote IndigoSpiral....how you found out you are in a relationship with a narcissist..sound almost like my own story. Me, too..reading or watching a video about narcissists...all my lights went on..... and it just flashed to me.......my husband is a narcissist.

    What I find very hard, is trying to explain others (family members) about the narcissistic symptoms my partner has. Often they don*t want to believe it, cause they see him in the light he likes to create around him...charming, helpful, very understanding aso. He is a very good entertainer and people like this. They don*t see the fact - he is only trying to get their attention because he lives by it.

    This is his main part in public...he wants to get the attention of others. It does not matter whos attention - the cashier lady, the yard man, the office clerk...and so on.

    People often say - wow what a great, nice guy....not knowing his other sides he has and he shows mainly in privacy. He is a pretty good actor also. And most people, even old friends...don*t realize the narcissitic side he has. They might never did read or hear anything about narcissitic symptoms or behavements before.

    This often makes it very difficult for me....he always looks like the nice, friendly, charming guy and me like the frustrated wife next to him.

    And what you wrote here :

    ďYou will never feel truly loved. You will never feel comfortable. You will never feel safe.Ē

    Yes, this is how it is...I agree.....

    Once again...thank so much for your post....
    Last edited by Whisper; 27th July 2019 at 01:43.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Hi Whisper,

    Youíre welcome Itís amazing how many people have the same stories isnít it? One of the things Iíve seen during my research is that in many cases it feels like I am reading from a script of whatís happened to me. A whole new world opened up and I felt like I went from being totally alone and wondering if I was going insane, to being a part of a community where I felt validated and what I was experiencing was normal for this kind of abuse. A particularly sinister side of this type of situation is the gas-lighting and the questioning of your reality, especially when youíre already traumatised. Plus it goes in cycles of Mr Nice vs Mr Nasty and the nice side can last for weeks sometimes Ė I used to think, ďI canít believe I wanted to leave him, heís my best friend, I canít imagine my life without himĒ. That was abuse amnesia and cognitive dissonance because as soon as Mr Nasty reappeared Iíd be right back to square one.

    Itís really difficult isnít it? They present such a convincing mask to the world and are generally good actors, charismatic and charming. Certainly his own family think heís the best thing since sliced bread. I get the blame for everything, even if he has a particularly nasty outburst in front of one of them Ė somehow itís still my fault. I suspect his mother is a narcissist too and I believe he is one not because he suffered abuse or neglect in his childhood, but because he was spoilt rotten. He was the ďgolden childĒ which is what I think has led to his excessive entitlement. I am constantly amazed at how nice he can be to complete strangers in contrast with how horrible he is to me. He has this knack of being able to play the long lost son/grandson to older people or the wise sage to younger people and they are utterly convinced. And yes it is all about getting attention! Any attention, he is determined to win people over with his boyish charm at any cost.

    Iím really lucky with my family in that my sisters are very savvy and they cottoned on to him a while ago. Iím also lucky to have a good support network of non-judgemental, understanding friends Ė although itís still really difficult to explain how a narcissist doesnít play by the same rules as a ďnormalĒ person. They canít understand how I canít have a normal break up conversation with him without him flying into a rage and threatening all sorts of things. They donít understand about narcissistic rage or injury (I didnít until I started researching and wow that was a big light bulb moment Ė he is absolutely textbook). And itís not like theyíre going to read the thousands of articles I have read over the last 10 months to get a handle on this. We were talking last week about how to approach the split up and they were giving me lots of good advice that would absolutely work if you are dealing with a normal, reasonable person. They just donít understand that itís not like dealing with a normal person Ė they donít play by the same rules. Itís like dealing with a spiteful 5 year old in an adultís body.

    Iím so sorry itís been going on for so long for you Whisper Ė however, another thing I have learned is that itís never too late to get your life back. There are so many women (and men) who have been stuck in lifelong relationships/marriages who have realised what is happening and turned their lives around. I canít believe I only came across this information under a year ago! I can only assume that it came at the time I was ready to start dealing with it and it just slipped under my radar before.

    Once you find out I feel there is no going back Ė however long it takes you to leave the relationship, you canít ďunlearnĒ or ďunseeĒ what you now know. That light bulb that goes on Ė you canít turn it off. What I have found is that not pressuring yourself on a time limit is good (unless you are in immediate physical danger). You really do have to get yourself psychologically strong enough and ready to deal with whatever they can throw at you and to resist ďhooveringĒ tactics. Itís taken me almost a year and Iíve still not left him.

    I just wanted to share one more thing with you Ė this lady has helped me immensely:

    https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
    You can sign up to a free 16 day recovery course Ė it doesnít matter whether you are still with the narcissist, you can still start your healing journey. She believes that it is the unhealed trauma within ourselves that attracted the narcissist to us at a deeper level.

    I do feel that this has happened to me to allow me to heal my childhood trauma and other traumas from my life. It has led me to much self reflection and has helped me to see the themes and patterns of my life more clearly as it has brought them crashing violently to the surface. It is helping me to learn how to deal with pain that I have repressed for most of my life. It is helping me address my feelings of unworthiness and never being good enough. I hope that one day I will be able to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me the way he has.

    Another thing Iíve been doing is just trying to make little decisions each day that keep me moving in the right direction. It could be something as small as one phone call or asking someone a question or checking out prices on local self storage units.

    Itís really lovely to be able to talk with someone who understands Ė stay strong and know that you can do this! Go easy on yourself and remember you donít have to make massive decisions which can be totally overwhelming.

    Thanks for your reply to my post
    Much love, IS

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    11 Things Narcissists Do When You Ignore Them (And 7 Ways to Deal) - (3:42 minutes)
    If you've ever tried ignoring a narcissist, you know it's no easy feat. in this video, I'll explain what happens when you (or any narcissistic supply) ignores a narcissist, a toxic person or anyone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Plus, I'll give you 7 quick ways to deal with the situation so you can stay no contact and stay safe.

    Angie Atkinson YouTube

    Angie Atkinson
    Published on Feb 20, 2019

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Dissociation (Amnesia) & Confabulation in Narcissism (Intl. Conf. Clinical Counseling Psychology)
    Sam Vaknin
    Published on Feb 25, 2019

    Video presentation to the 4th International Conference of Clinical and Counseling Psychology, Tokyo, August 2019
    https://clinical-psychology.psychiat...-committee.php

    "Narcissists and psychopaths dissociate (erase memories) a lot (are amnesiac) because their contact with the world and with others is via a fictitious construct: the False Self. Narcissists never experience reality directly but through a distorting lens darkly. They get rid of any information that challenges their grandiose self-perception and the narrative they had constructed to explicate, excuse, and legitimize their antisocial, self-centred, and exploitative behaviors, choices, and idiosyncrasies.

    In an attempt to compensate for the yawning gaps in memory, narcissists and psychopaths confabulate: they invent plausible "plug ins" and scenarios of how things might, could, or should have plausibly occurred. To outsiders, these fictional stopgaps appear as lies. But the narcissist fervently believes in their reality: he may not actually remember what had happened - but surely it could not have happened any other way!

    These tenuous concocted fillers are subject to frequent revision as the narcissist's inner world and external circumstances evolve. This is why narcissists and psychopaths often contradict themselves. Tomorrow's confabulation often negates yesterday's. The narcissist and psychopath do not remember their previous tales because they are not invested with the emotions and cognitions that are integral parts of real memories."

    Each breath a gift...
    _____________

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    update : I had some heavy incidents lately. Narcissistic attacs.... And impulsive...right away...I checked the net for another place to live and guess what `? I found one and could rent it for 2 month. Take off......... is next month..... I just hope not to get weak again. Emotionally I am pretty mixed up at the time. All I know is....I have to get out of this asap. I have to protect myself from this kind......

    .................................................. ....

    Have to make a plan on when and how to tell my partner.... I am afraid to do so, not knowing how he will react to it.
    Last edited by Whisper; 1st March 2019 at 21:22.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Quote Posted by Whisper (here)
    update : I had some heavy incidents lately. Narcissistic attacs.... And impulsive...right away...I checked the net for another place to live and guess what `? I found one and could rent it for 2 month. Take off......... is next month..... I just hope not to get weak again. Emotionally I am pretty mixed up at the time. All I know is....I have to get out of this asap. I have to protect myself from this kind......

    .................................................. ....

    Have to make a plan on when and how to tell my partner.... I am afraid to do so, not knowing how he will react to it.
    Move first, tell after.

    How long have you been with him? No children involved? We owe nothing to them, when they are bad to us. And yes, we are better alone than badly paired.

    The question is; WHY IN HELL DO WE KEEP MEETING THEM AND WHY IN HELL DO WE KEEP FALLING FOR THIS. This is where the mixed up mind is, not if we should stay or not.
    Last edited by Flash; 1st March 2019 at 21:42.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Quote Posted by Whisper (here)
    update : I had some heavy incidents lately. Narcissistic attacs.... And impulsive...right away...I checked the net for another place to live and guess what `? I found one and could rent it for 2 month. Take off......... is next month..... I just hope not to get weak again. Emotionally I am pretty mixed up at the time. All I know is....I have to get out of this asap. I have to protect myself from this ................................................. ....

    Have to make a plan on when and how to tell my partner.... I am afraid to do so, not knowing how he will react to it.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    I think Flash is right, you need to move first, tell after. Please do not underestimate the power the narcissist probably still has over you emotionally.

    Here is another article from Self Care Haven:

    https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/...o-silence-you/

    It is oh-so-easy to fall back into the spell of the narcissist, or to let fear cripple and paralyze you.

    You are worthy of a life free from this terrible emotional torture!

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Thanks for your opinion. I know...it would be the best...just leave and maybe leave a note on the table. But it is a bit more complicated, because where we live right now....I am renting this place and I am responsible for it towards the landlord. And I have to inform the landlord..I am moving out. He (landlord) proably shows up here then for a check up and talk.

    I have to think about this.... I am not paying another month rent here, is all I know. Had to pay 2 month rent already for my new place. I am a bit confused right now. .................................................. ..............................................

    And then...my man is not only a narcissist...like I wrote before. He has another mental disorder. also...he has mania episodes. He is in one right now...(5 weeks already)...and totaly off and very spacey. So I am the only stable, clear minded person around here. And I feel responsible towards the landlord and to organize something, so my man is not getting homeless in this condition he is in right now. He can not keep this place by himself financially. I got him a social worker from the VA already to make sure he has some kind of back up, when I am not around anymore.

    I know I should just think about myself and leave without thinking about how this will effect him. But I am not like this. I still have feelings for him and I am so much used to always take care everything, to organize aso. Stupid..isnt it?

    Got brainwashed for to long. : -----------------
    Last edited by Whisper; 27th July 2019 at 01:47.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    I was married for 20 years waiting for her to grow up and appreciate all that I had done for her. Of course, that never happened, but only worsened.

    Leaving her was the hardest thing I ever did, but I did it.

    It's been 8 years now and I'm so much happier. What a blessing to be out of that Web of Lies!

    Whisper, I'm offering my highest intentions that you may be strong.
    ďTo develop a complete mind: Study the art of science; study the science of art. Learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything elseĒ Ė Leonardo Da Vinci

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Whisper, it makes total sense that you want to handle things responsibly. I understand your need to handle business things with integrity while you also take care of your own needs with self-compassion - that can be very complicated. I wish you great courage as you make this journey toward freedom!

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Quote Posted by Whisper (here)
    Thanks for your opinion. I know...it would be the best...just leave and maybe leave a note on the table. But it is a bit more complicated, because where we live right now....I am renting this place and I am responsible for it towards the landlord. And I have to inform the landlord..I am moving out. He (landlord) proably shows up here then for a check up and talk.

    I have to think about this.... I am not paying another month rent here, is all I know. Had to pay 2 month rent already for my new place. I am a bit confused right now. .................................................. ..............................................

    And then...my man is not only a narcissist...like I wrote before. He has another mental disorder. also...he has mania episodes. He is in one right now...(5 weeks already)...and totaly off and very spacey. So I am the only stable, clear minded person around here. And I feel responsible towards the landlord and to organize something, so my man is not getting homeless in this condition he is in right now. He can not keep this place by himself financially. I got him a social worker from the VA already to make sure he has some kind of back up, when I am not around anymore.

    I know I should just think about myself and leave without thinking about how this will effect him. But I am not like this. I still have feelings for him and I am so much used to always take care everything, to organize aso. Stupid..isnt it?

    Got brainwashed to long. : We are married for 14 years.
    You make me think of me. I went out with my ex husband for 2 years, then split, went away alone for time off, and when back he had found the house of my dream, within the price range I had set up, and told me everything he could to convince me to come back. Within two years, he had learned my language and I was therefore easy to convince.

    I came back to give it a chance, so I thought. For 2 years he was fine, we would have major fights only once a month, while previously it was twice weekly interspace with 100s of nasty comments and crisis behaviors. Then I got pregnant. He was tolerable during the pregnancy. But as soon as I gave birth, all hell broke lose.

    He thought he had me caught, no more efforts, his very nasty behavior was all back and more. I remained 4 more years because I had a child + one because he would not leave when I asked him . In hindsight, I should have gone away with my infant years prior. Or I should never have believed him when I was back after the split.

    I was taking care of everything as well, the house, the cleaning, the baby, the repairs, the car, name it, plus work. He had convinced me through constant harassment to build a company that we could use in both continents, so I built it, thinking that once installed, he would take care of the company in Turkey 8 months a year, and that I would be able to stand him the other 4 months, 2 months at a time. I am the one who built it, got government grants, got the corporate Canadian partners, got bankers backing, and went to Turkey 5-6 months a year (in 2-3 shots) during 4 years to install the company there, report to our partners in Canada, do the feasibility study, etc etc. While having my toddler with me at all time. He would remain in Canada, in his university well paid job, making 2 full salaries. I had taken a tiny salary, dealing with him that the money left at the end of the feasibility study would be mine. Guess what, the money left at the end of the study was never given to me. I worked 4 years basically for free.

    Then it took three more years to get the divorce, he was trying to put me on the street and he succeeded. I had to borrow money from my mom to survive and pay for my daughter's treatments. To finally start a company as I had thought years ago, but then with a handicap daughter who needed treatments, no time to make millions. Only the time to be hired on a daily basis for corporate trainings I wrote.

    How we get scre wed up is unbelievable.

    If I would have started what I wanted to start at the time I wanted, here in Canada, I would have made many millions - everyone who did it at the time made millions, because of governmental push and subsidies.

    So my point remains, if it were to be done again, I would leave much much earlier and not tell him, in order to avoid thousands of problems he created.

    I was married for 12 years.

    Leave and tell after if you can.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    justintime2learn/Flash...I am so sorry...what you had to go through. But main thing you made it and are doing better now.
    Last edited by Whisper; 27th July 2019 at 01:46.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    He may be sensing that you are going to leave, and could get much worse, so I agree it would be wisest for you to disappear, get away as soon as possible, leave no trail. Once you are free, you will have so much more energy, and peace and clarity of mind. You don't owe him anything, quite the contrary. Let the dead bury the dead (spiritually dead). If you need support, look into shelters for abused women. They should know how to help you to make a safe, clean break.
    Quote Posted by Whisper (here)
    I have to think on how exactly I can get out of here without informing anybody. I think you are right.....it's proably the best just to dissapear one day and leave a note on the table. And I think...I wont get weak anymore. By now I know my husband does not learn out of expieriences at all. He always is doing the same wrong moves...over and over again.....
    Each breath a gift...
    _____________

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey


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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Hi Whisper. I just left my husband a week and a day ago. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

    Yes, leave without telling him! Last year I simply told my husband I had scheduled a phone session with a divorce counselor and he hit me in the head in front of our son, then smashed the phone he was letting me borrow. These creatures can be very dangerous when they think their source of energy is going to leave.

    In my case, we were together over 9 years, married for almost 7. We have a son who will be 4 soon. My ex husband has had a girlfriend living with us for over 3 years and they have a business together. They also have a daughter who is almost 2 and I used to be her primary caretaker because of how many hours a day her mother worked. Leaving for me was a real challenge

    I finally decided to ask my father for money to stay at a hotel so I could have a safe, private place to call shelters from. He did, and the next morning I told my ex husbandi was taking our son to the store. My belongings were already packed and in trash bags so it would look like I was just discarding some rubbish...

    From there I walked to the grocery store across the street to use their phone (I don't have one), then called a cab from there to another store that cashes Western Union (that's how my father sent the money)... From there a called a cab to a nearby hotel. The whole process was very scary, I kept worrying about being caught.

    Because I don't have a phone I had to be so prepared.. I had to have a list of cab services and hotels and their phone numbers with me that I wrote out the night or two before.

    At the hotel I celebrated and rested. The very next morning I called shelters in my state and in about an hour got accepted into one that let's you stay at least 90 days!!! I lucked out because the shelter is far from the town my ex lives in and it's not a place he normally does business in.

    The cab ride from the hotel to the shelter was $52 but it was worth every penny. Being at the hotel was a small risk because if I never found a shelter soon enough I would have run out of money to stay there, I only had enough for one more night but fortunately didn't need to stay for more than one.

    Any feelings you think you have for this man are probably an illusion because of his charm. My ex is very charming too... The kind of man who would get compliments at work and was known as such a helpful good person. So smiley... Friendly... Funny... Witty.. And very very intelligent. He's ones of the most intelligent people I've met in person but his delusional beliefs prevent him from true enlightenment.

    It's best to leave without telling him for sure. If you do decide to leave a note, do not leave it in plain sight as he may start frantically looking for you like a rabid animal. You ought to put it somewhere that may take him awhile to find.

    In my case, I contacted his mother when I got to the hotel and told her my son and I were at a shelter so he wouldn't go looking for us. Even though we weren't at a shelter yet I said that to through off his trail.

    I haven't said a word to him since leaving which is hard because we have a child together, but I don't want to engage with him without legal protection .

    It's great that you are sharing this here because having support from others is crucial. Without sharing my experiences with others I probably would not have broken contact with him. I was so isolated and the abuse was so normalized after years of repetition that I was in a daze... Believing his claims that everything would be worthwhile in the future if I just cooperated with him and followed his suggestions.

    I can relate all too well to the feeling of walking on eggshells... So much so that I would dread the sound of him waking up for years! I didn't fully understand it but now it all makes sense. My heart would race, stomach churning, my muscles would tense up... I'd anxiously make stupid mistakes around him... I was living in fear.

    I can relate to the manic behaviors too. He said I'm bipolar... But this man would go from screaming to whistling gaily in a short period of time. I began to hate the sound of his overly cheery whistling because of the amount of times he'd disrespect someone, not apologize, but then go on whistling loudly as though nothing ever happened.

    Onawah is right that you will have so much energy once you leave. It's like a heavy weight will be lifted and you won't have to walk on eggshells in your own home.

    Another tip I would suggest is repeatedly go over your plan once it's made... Write it out (even if this means throwing the papers away), fine tune it, every last detail should be reviewed. This will make it all go smoother. Organize your belongings way in advance. I had at least half of mine packed and hidden for a week or so (though in my rush to get out I left a few important items behind).

    When you feel fear (I felt intense fear during the final days) repeat empowering phrases to yourself like "I can do this ".you can even do what I did and set the phrase as some of your passwords so that you'll be forced to type the words to open your phone or email account.

    Once you leave much of the fear will be released and you can start setting new goals and plans for yourself that don't include him!

    It truly will be an amazing experience and you will feel a huge increase in self respect, self love and confidence once you take the big leap and set yourself free.

    Though I'm in a homeless shelter and don't like everyone here, I have not regretted a single day here.

    Another tip is don't engage in arguments, even if to defend yourself during the final days. Simply keep record of abusive behaviors, whether you send yourself emails or write it down somewhere secretly. Make sure you act cooperative and even friendly so you don't make him suspicious of anything.

    I have a lot to say on issues like these because I just recently got out of one.

    Overall I hope you get out of this safely as soon as you possibly can and hope to hear that you're in a new living arrangement in the very near future!
    Last edited by Rebecca; 9th March 2019 at 06:43.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Quote Posted by IndigoSpiral (here)
    Hi Whisper,

    Youíre welcome Itís amazing how many people have the same stories isnít it? One of the things Iíve seen during my research is that in many cases it feels like I am reading from a script of whatís happened to me. A whole new world opened up and I felt like I went from being totally alone and wondering if I was going insane, to being a part of a community where I felt validated and what I was experiencing was normal for this kind of abuse. A particularly sinister side of this type of situation is the gas-lighting and the questioning of your reality, especially when youíre already traumatised. Plus it goes in cycles of Mr Nice vs Mr Nasty and the nice side can last for weeks sometimes Ė I used to think, ďI canít believe I wanted to leave him, heís my best friend, I canít imagine my life without himĒ. That was abuse amnesia and cognitive dissonance because as soon as Mr Nasty reappeared Iíd be right back to square one.

    Itís really difficult isnít it? They present such a convincing mask to the world and are generally good actors, charismatic and charming. Certainly his own family think heís the best thing since sliced bread. I get the blame for everything, even if he has a particularly nasty outburst in front of one of them Ė somehow itís still my fault. I suspect his mother is a narcissist too and I believe he is one not because he suffered abuse or neglect in his childhood, but because he was spoilt rotten. He was the ďgolden childĒ which is what I think has led to his excessive entitlement. I am constantly amazed at how nice he can be to complete strangers in contrast with how horrible he is to me. He has this knack of being able to play the long lost son/grandson to older people or the wise sage to younger people and they are utterly convinced. And yes it is all about getting attention! Any attention, he is determined to win people over with his boyish charm at any cost.

    Iím really lucky with my family in that my sisters are very savvy and they cottoned on to him a while ago. Iím also lucky to have a good support network of non-judgemental, understanding friends Ė although itís still really difficult to explain how a narcissist doesnít play by the same rules as a ďnormalĒ person. They canít understand how I canít have a normal break up conversation with him without him flying into a rage and threatening all sorts of things. They donít understand about narcissistic rage or injury (I didnít until I started researching and wow that was a big light bulb moment Ė he is absolutely textbook). And itís not like theyíre going to read the thousands of articles I have read over the last 10 months to get a handle on this. We were talking last week about how to approach the split up and they were giving me lots of good advice that would absolutely work if you are dealing with a normal, reasonable person. They just donít understand that itís not like dealing with a normal person Ė they donít play by the same rules. Itís like dealing with a spiteful 5 year old in an adultís body.

    Iím so sorry itís been going on for so long for you Whisper Ė however, another thing I have learned is that itís never too late to get your life back. There are so many women (and men) who have been stuck in lifelong relationships/marriages who have realised what is happening and turned their lives around. I canít believe I only came across this information under a year ago! I can only assume that it came at the time I was ready to start dealing with it and it just slipped under my radar before.

    Once you find out I feel there is no going back Ė however long it takes you to leave the relationship, you canít ďunlearnĒ or ďunseeĒ what you now know. That light bulb that goes on Ė you canít turn it off. What I have found is that not pressuring yourself on a time limit is good (unless you are in immediate physical danger). You really do have to get yourself psychologically strong enough and ready to deal with whatever they can throw at you and to resist ďhooveringĒ tactics. Itís taken me almost a year and Iíve still not left him.

    I just wanted to share one more thing with you Ė this lady has helped me immensely:

    https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
    You can sign up to a free 16 day recovery course Ė it doesnít matter whether you are still with the narcissist, you can still start your healing journey. She believes that it is the unhealed trauma within ourselves that attracted the narcissist to us at a deeper level.

    I do feel that this has happened to me to allow me to heal my childhood trauma and other traumas from my life. It has led me to much self reflection and has helped me to see the themes and patterns of my life more clearly as it has brought them crashing violently to the surface. It is helping me to learn how to deal with pain that I have repressed for most of my life. It is helping me address my feelings of unworthiness and never being good enough. I hope that one day I will be able to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me the way he has.

    Another thing Iíve been doing is just trying to make little decisions each day that keep me moving in the right direction. It could be something as small as one phone call or asking someone a question or checking out prices on local self storage units.

    Itís really lovely to be able to talk with someone who understands Ė stay strong and know that you can do this! Go easy on yourself and remember you donít have to make massive decisions which can be totally overwhelming.

    Thanks for your reply to my post
    Much love, IS
    I was fooled by how long the nice side would last too. But other times the nasty side would come out every other day or even days in a row.

    I know exactly what you mean when you say a light 💡 bulb goes on and doesn't go back off. You get to the point that you are so firm and unwavering in your decision to leave that nothing the narcissist says or does can turn you around.

    My ex husband that I left about a week and a day ago sent me an email with the subject "renew weddings vows. " I feel completely repulsed on all levels at the idea of that whereas a year ago that would have appealed to me. It's amazing what knowledge can do.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    https://www.thehotline.org/

    The above link is an excellent resource. The site has a live chat option so you can talk to an advocate without speaking over the phone. The advocates are very supportive, I've spoken to at least three of them.

    You can talk to then about the abuse for emotional support, ask about shelters in your area, and they can also help you develop a safety plan for leaving.

    The more people you can trust and talk to about the situation, the more real it will feel and the more support you will have.

    I was planning on waiting until an argument erupted to leave my husband before I spoke to one of the advocates!!! That would have been so stressful! Instead, someone advised that I leave in a calm state and when my ex wouldn't expect it, and I am so grateful I took their advice.

    You can try the live chat any time, any day, which makes it really convenient. I hope this is a useful rescouce for you.

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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Your posts are pure gold, Rebecca! And you deserve a gold medal for courage.
    Each breath a gift...
    _____________

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    Italy Avalon Member Rebecca's Avatar
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    Default Re: 20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

    Quote Posted by onawah (here)
    Your posts are pure gold, Rebecca! And you deserve a gold medal for courage.
    Thank you onawah, the least I can do now is share my story and try to help people in similar situations

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