Let The kids Fail...

[apokalypse]

i want to share from personal experience and how the things said about harm to the kids. i'm only Child with a single parent and being overprotective/helicopter. as i'm over 30 right now really lack of confidence especially with females and has no social skills, since i was a kid not into school but being asian kind of force me to get good grade which can't and failed. I'm not those type in theory but practical and more of on hands technical like mechanics-trades, i'm more of out there in real world than studying at school. Force go to Uni, as alot of you know about asians tradition family study 24/7. Everything i do have go through my mom instead of think for myself and can't let me fail.

These kind of love does do more harm than good which cause some mental illness to me lack of social skills and fear. remember an old guy when i was 15 he said to my mother let me go stop babysitting but helicopter parent still occur. I have so box full of papers throw away and my mom go thought each one of them to check of name/address case of ID theft which pissed me off, if does happen then so be it for me to learn..everything is manage.

you might have known about this and reading about it, some of the papers like this below that has happen to me during my growing up. "Tries to solve all of their children's problems." http://www.essentialkids.com.au/development-advice/development/10-signs-youre-an-overprotective-parent-20140903-3ese9

from my personnel issue and experience come conclusion most important age child development entering to real world and social life is when they able to speak and able thinks from 5 years old, NEVER TEACH BUT GUIDE THEM and let them see it.

if anyone of you got kids or about to have kids please do research or have understanding of not overprotective and have the kids fail to learn from mistake. instead of ABC-123 have kids face real world and life skills and most important is social life.

just sawing this "I agree with this totally.My mom was super overproctive of me,she would not let me for example she would not let me date til I was sixteen and there was a valentines day "
https://wehavekids.com/parenting/Children-of-Overprotective-Parents-Are-Slated-For-Failure

At high school when i was 15-16 i was into girls but don't know how to approach and shy, that guy able to date 15-16 but for me can't date until finished school. alot of comments from that website so spot on...

[Sunny-side-up]

Good post and thanks for sharing your experience of growing up/life.
Hope your in a good place now and happy.

[Flash]

yes, as a mom of a kid with learning handicap, i had to forego all expectations and make the best of what is. However, I did not want my child to be abuse (lots of learning handicaped are in all kinds of manner), nor considered stupid. Mine was quite intelligent but could not process language properly. However, she could see what was happening to her and around her clearly.<

So I had a tendency to be helicopter mom because i designed a rescue plan for her to enhance and modify her brain abilities and get to the level where she could have a normal life.

Without too much expectation, but perseverance and constant support, she achieve a good level of development and even college studies. Her life is on the right path.

But it was sooo difficult to gauge when to be around and control, and when to let go. We were talking yesterday, and she was telling me how paranoid I made her about internet friends that she would always be on the watch out, thinking I had overdone it. I still think however that she could not distinguish easily at the time between manipulative talk from adult passing for kiids and friendly ones from real kids. And i still told her "good, you did not ended up taking appointments with people without telling me, did you???" to which she said "no, I did not".

It is very difficult to be a real good parent and support our children growth based on their true potential, without doing too much or not enough. It is very difficult to gauge the place where it should stop, or where it should be active.

Yesterday, while discussing with my daughter, she ended up tellling me that she thought most families are somewhat screw ed up somewhere and wondering what makes a human becoming equilibrated or not.

My answer was that I thought and felt that the difference is love. We are all somewhere incapacitated or emotionally unstable, we do transmit this to our children. The difference being real absolute unconditional love. This kind of love rebalance any being even if the emotions are not always equilibrated or life happenings are difficult.

What I see Apokalypse is that at times, your mother had expectations, like many Asian mothers, for your schooling. It became at times "conditional love" as felt by you. However, I am not sure that it was not plainly her not knowing when to stop the helicopter stuff, because of too much love for you with some dependency on you not having anyone else who loves (a husband) her in her life.

Take her love and run with, build on it, forgive the rest. My advice if you want any.

[Michelle Marie]

My :heart: goes out to you. I understand.

There is a balance. Parents can be there to help and provide for when needed without micromanaging a child's life or mind. All people need room to grow.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time and that your culture was so confining. I hope you can break free from all of that.

You have the soul power to overcome. You seem to be learning from what you have posted. It seems you understand what happened and want to help prevent others from having the same bad experience.

You are very nice to let other parents know. You are already helping. :)

Bless you, :bearhug:
Michelle Marie

[Navigator]

On the OP, I totally agree - let your kids grow and make mistakes, if you hold them back from making mistakes, they'll just do it later in life when it is less than optimal. Let them learn, let them cry, just guide them and keep them safe as is reasonable to allow them to live. (I have three children, one grown)

I was going to write a thread on the "conspiracy of 'being good'" - which takes this concept from the OP that is very real and true, and ask ourselves how and why this has been augmented in the "bigger picture" as a mechanism of control in and of itself within our current cultures.

I still might write that thread, sorry for being a bit off topic, I think this is an important and interesting concept to study at larger scale and in history as well. We live in a current society of protection against all the things we could learn from, what are these long term ramifications on society? What ultimately is the effect?

[Ewan]

yes, as a mom of a kid with learning handicap, i had to forego all expectations and make the best of what is. However, I did not want my child to be abuse (lots of learning handicaped are in all kinds of manner), nor considered stupid. Mine was quite intelligent but could not process language properly. However, she could see what was happening to her and around her clearly.<

So I had a tendency to be helicopter mom because i designed a rescue plan for her to enhance and modify her brain abilities and get to the level where she could have a normal life.

Without too much expectation, but perseverance and constant support, she achieve a good level of development and even college studies. Her life is on the right path.

But it was sooo difficult to gauge when to be around and control, and when to let go. We were talking yesterday, and she was telling me how paranoid I made her about internet friends that she would always be on the watch out, thinking I had overdone it. I still think however that she could not distinguish easily at the time between manipulative talk from adult passing for kiids and friendly ones from real kids. And i still told her "good, you did not ended up taking appointments with people without telling me, did you???" to which she said "no, I did not".

It is very difficult to be a real good parent and support our children growth based on their true potential, without doing too much or not enough. It is very difficult to gauge the place where it should stop, or where it should be active.

Yesterday, while discussing with my daughter, she ended up tellling me that she thought most families are somewhat screw ed up somewhere and wondering what makes a human becoming equilibrated or not.

My answer was that I thought and felt that the difference is love. We are all somewhere incapacitated or emotionally unstable, we do transmit this to our children. The difference being real absolute unconditional love. This kind of love rebalance any being even if the emotions are not always equilibrated or life happenings are difficult.

What I see Apokalypse is that at times, your mother had expectations, like many Asian mothers, for your schooling. It became at times "conditional love" as felt by you. However, I am not sure that it was not plainly her not knowing when to stop the helicopter stuff, because of too much love for you with some dependency on you not having anyone else who loves (a husband) her in her life.

Take her love and run with, build on it, forgive the rest. My advice if you want any.

Thank you so much for that post Flash, I have the same problem with my eldest boy. Struggling to grasp the intricacies of language and not keen to read or write, at least a year behind his peers yet his heart and soul are there for anyone who cares to see.

I worry about him so much. I think every parent might be able to agree with this sentiment - "I didn't know what worry was until I had children."