When do you decide to cut people out of your life?

[Strat]

When I was growing up I thought having as many friends as possible was a good thing. I don't think that way anymore and stopped a long time ago. Nowadays I think if someone is slowly becoming my friend, I think of it as if they have to fill out a resume; what qualifications do they have? If they will tax me in some way then they surely wont be around me often, if at all.

For example, I'm going in a positive direction in life. I don't drink like I used to or get into any trouble. I'm getting my education, working, meditating, reading, eating healthy, exercising etc. Much of the partying lifestyle is a facade IMO, I'm over it. When you take it to the level I did it's a trap. Which brings me full circle - I'm over that ****. Many people I know love it, and it's their lifestyle. So.... they are slowly being cut out of my life.

Most of these folks have good hearts just negative behavior and so I want to stay outside of their sphere of influence. Some people I will never speak to because of egregious offenses. Only a few people I know are like this fortunately.

When it comes to internet people, I ignore/block/whatever depending on circumstance. This is pretty much restricted to Avalon because I don't have social media and I'm not on any other forum (I chat with pen pals but it's not a forum). I'm generally forgiving but sometimes there's a knucklehead or two that has no value and I'll block that person. That's rare fortunately and I love my fellow Avalonians :heart:

I do think of the flip side of this: What if someone else who I admire judged me harshly from one of my human flaws? I try to think about that honestly and when I do I arrive at this being a non-issue:

1 I don't admire people like I used to. Nobody is on a pedestal, I don't hold strangers close to my heart so I can't be hurt in that way. I do admire some folks and would looove to chat with them but they can't effect my psyche in anyway. If they judge me so be it I'm not worried.

2 There are people who will see me as a dirtbag, because I did dirtbag things to them. This was a part of my growth as a person. I accept the judgement, and the bad feelings I get from that is remorse which is a good thing that prevents that from ever happening again.

3 My past is in my rear view

One of my thoughts is I wonder if I'm too quick to cut others out of my life? I give respect away freely but not my trust. That has to be earned, similarly, respect can be lost. As I grow older I find myself quicker to cut people out of my life.

What about you guys?

[rgray222]

Over the years I never consciously ended friendships but when I think about it I suppose I did simply move away from people and eventually the friendship died a natural death. I am sure there are many more but here are some of the criteria I would use:

If someone is always negative and it pulls you down.
When you interact with someone more than once and you feel worse after the encounter.
When someone consistently does not respect your boundaries.
When the friendship is very one-sided.
Some people thrive on drama they usually don't make good friends.
When you know all about their life and they know little about yours.
When all they do is talk trash about other people.
When people aggressively tried to get me to drink or smoke weed
When you lose trust.
When you always find yourself doing what someone else wants and not what you want.
When you really start dreading being around someone.
In a romantic relationship toxicity is a death knell, give it up as quickly as you can.


I always thought that friendships happen naturally but the older I get I pick and choose my friends. Making new friends takes real effort and I guess that is another discussion altogether.

[Orph]

Just my perspective, but, .............. as you meditate, you get more and more connected to your inner self. The more you get connected to your inner self, the less you need things outside of yourself. The word "need" is the key word here.

People and things will come and go. But you won't feel a need for them. You won't feel a need to appease or please people. And you won't be questioning yourself if you are doing the right or wrong thing.

Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with having things or people in your life. It's just that the feeling of 'need', or somehow 'owing' something to others, or owing something to yourself, ...... all that drops away. The idea of judgement drops away. (You're judging yourself in your opening post). :)

Live and learn. Or should I say, experience and learn :sun:

[Ernie Nemeth]

People are for convenience and survival. Friends are for company and comfort. Both come and go in one's life.

There is a core group that is always there and no matter how much time elapses since the last time you spoke, it's like you just saw them yesterday when you do.

Sometimes, we move onto another adventure in life where the old ways no longer fit or jibe with our new intentions. Sometimes our friends do the same. In either case, at such times some friends simply no longer serve the purpose that brought them into our lives because that purpose has changed.

I remember one friend of over ten years. The last time we hung out we got into a fist fight. We were both bruised and beaten, I got a black eye and he had trouble with his balance for a while after. We made up but soon after we began drifting apart. I have not talked to him now in over twenty years.

On the other hand, I have a friend who I haven't seen or spoken to since this covid fiasco began. We haven't hung out since Trump was elected but still stayed in contact. I can't talk to him because he has Trump derangement syndrome and covid fantasy delusion. These comorbidities make it difficult for us to communicate.

But I know that if he called, or if I ever needed help, I can always ask him and he would be there for me, as I would be there for him, no matter what.

I also had a friend who told me in advance we would no longer be friends come the new year. True to his word, that year he no longer answered my calls and even changed his number - this after twenty-five years of close friendship. We never spoke again. He died last year, I heard.

You'll know when it's time to cut people out of your life. Life has a way of doing that.
It's natural and healthy, so don't worry about it. imo

[avid]

Heartbraking choices, folk you thought were forever friends, all gone now due to divisive ‘rulings’.
Few are left. Solitary fortitude keeps us going. Hanging onto wonderful honest friends, who understand we do not need to obey…

[Mari]

The 'pruning' out of people in my life has been a natural organic process. There is indeed a parting of the ways in these times and it affects both friends and family. It's true to say that, looking at my particular family - those outside of my home, that is, that I wouldn't choose to spend more that maybe half an hour (stretching it) in their company.
This is borne out on Christmas day, when we (excruciatingly on my part) partake of the annual phone call, and after the 'and how are you?' intros, I'm acutely aware that we have very little say to each other and on my part (I do try!) to stretch it out to a decent 10 mins or more. It's habit and duty now, and nothing more.

But it's all okay and the way it's supposed to be in these times as we all are tasked to discover who we really are, away from the glare of societal norms.

[Vicus]

Nobody is perfect and we all "must" work on ours self, BUT there is something that I became total intolerant...
When they lie to me. that is my red line...( about friends)

Little lies are funny and can overlook and smile about, there are still my friends ,who still need some homework...
BUT there are another type of lies, when they try to use me for whatever reason ...surpassing my consent or not.
I'm a bit "intuitive" and I "know" when somebody lie to me, but normally I give people some time...

When that time is over I cant overlook anymore, I expect results...to maintain my integrity they should show theirs...
Otherwise is over. Basis for friendship is trust, without I'm ice cold.

No friends people, I expect as minimum that they got 2 neurons still working...when ok then will see...
With so nick named "sheep people" don't waist my time, they have already choose.

[Matthew]

Because like yourselves I stare at the truth I need a lot of patience when talking to people who don't, and that is nearly everybody. Patience isn't my strong point but walking away is. I have cut and run countless times and I'll do it again.

I can't be doing with moronic denial when excess deaths are greater than 15%, and they yabber on about the latest thing they read in the news, which is someone else's opinion that they think is their opinion and now they're smart for knowing it. Friends whos fat loser children have developed bigoted views about the unvaccinated, well £%^& them and their whole family.

Even people who share the same truth I see, I will walk away from them if it doesn't feel right. Why compromise? Don't.

But my words are toxic, the best thing we can do is stick together. But I won't be doing that. Walk away and don't look back.

[mizo]

A few so called life-long 'friends and (especially so) family' just have cut me out from their life.
I don't blame them for doing what they done.
When you're speaking about what you consider is the 'truth' it becomes just too much to handle for some.
Maybe, I'd do and act the same if I was in their shoes.
They've made their decision on what is their current perspective and beliefs.

As I get older, I realise that life is just too short to argue. It is easier to let people go than to get offended by their stubborness and intransigence.

It's best to give them that decision to make the cut.

[Matthew]

A few so called life-long 'friends and (especially so) family' just have cut me out from their life.
I don't blame them for doing what they done.
When you're speaking about what you consider is the 'truth' it becomes just too much to handle for some.
Maybe, I'd do and act the same if I was in their shoes.
They've made their decision on what is their current perspective and beliefs.

As I get older, I realise that life is just too short to argue. It is easier to let people go than to get offended by their stubborness and intransigence.

It's best to give them that decision to make the cut.

I'm so sorry, this is heart-breaking.

In Berkshire where I live I have a few new friends I met at stand in the parks, one or two closer than the others. And a couple more new closer friends from other parts of the UK that I met at protests in London.

I said I walked away from other friends, but I still support them sometimes - it's limited because I don't spend time with them. I don't want to spend time with them, but I haven't explicitly cut the relationships.

mizo do you have any newer friends who share your point of view? Friends you've met in person?

[Denise/Dizi]

I think it takes time in life to fully understand what a true friendship is to you. It's a funny thing, as we age, we believe we are invincible and do stupid things at a younger age. We grow and believe we know it all... and then we age some more..

I find any relationship is based upon respect and love. Love grows, but showing respect means that you do not lie, or do all of the things that built up to love.

I have found that I have befriended more men later in life than women...

I believe women are the most targeted, and confused about who they are supposed to be, how they are supposed to behave, and they end up "settling" for pretty things and ideals to "Complete them"... It really isn't their fault, but I know plenty of grown women who are unable or unwilling to even consider true happiness in their lives, as they do not stand to "gain anything" from it in a sense of materialism, or status.

Not all ladies are like this... Hence the difference between the terms "Ladies" and "Women"... And I am sure there is the same in men...

I have found that men just want to live. They work hard, play hard, and don't get tied to the same materialistic things women do.. Forget the "Ring" that costs more than a house to prove love, when you can ride a motorcycle or fly a plane that will give you more joy than any trinket you can wear.

Circumstances also change friendships... Working with people makes those people more accessible... And the amount of waking time you spend with those people, tends to lend itself to you getting to know them better, until a variable changes like someone finding a new job..

The trick, in my opinion, is to worry only about your life, while being respectful to others.. As truly, your life is the only life you were granted to live... If the new friends do not respect your time and effort, I just walk away... i try not to judge others, only note their behaviors and hope that I am able to distance those that pull from me, more than I am willing to give...

As a true friend would care if they asked too much from others. You're doing just fine Strat, many people here respect you, and that's a WIN

[Vangelo]

As I grew into adulthood, I began to realize the family norms that pervaded my birth family and my extended family (maternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) were not healthy. Today, I understand them to be shadows (as defined by Jung). I knew those things weren't right for me so I simply reduced my involvement in those unhealthy ways of thinking and limited my participation in the family activities and discussions that would highlight those behaviors. When I got married and had kids, things changed for me. I saw my mother and sister behaving in ways toward my children that were consistent with those family or generational shadows and I decided I did not want my kids to develop that world view. I asked my mother and sister to stop but they would not. After many significant fights with them I eventually cut myself, wife, and kids from that side of my family. I have no regrets. This process lead me to finally learn of shadows and their impact on my life. I have been fortunate in that I have been able to integrate (heal) some of them and my children don't have that burden to deal with. It has been extremely hard and painful. Lots of loss and sorrow but it was an unfortunate necessity. I am glad I did it and would do it again.

[ian33]

after 30 years here in ireland, i have just one friend who likes my company...others have pretended for personal gain, until i saw that i was projecting because of a need to have friends, encouraging the deception..
so i no longer have need for weeding, accepting/seeing what is

[Matthew]

It's only really bad when I try to get people to acknowledge the taboo subjects like excess deaths. Then people quickly change the subject in group chats, and I get flashpoints of frustration. I don't want to rage quit friendships but I'm at that level of intensity. Instead of causing drama though, I try one more time for my own benefit then I let it go. But it feels like the heart of the friendship just died, or was never really there.

Let me put it another way: before I sit down and have a nice cup of tea with someone in a building that's on fire, I first need the other person to acknowledge the fire. If they can't then they're an unviable friend. They wouldn't understand until they see it themselves.

Longsuffering is a noble virtue, I am currently failing. But letting things cool down is the best way. Take away the heat by stopping energy, it cools naturally until it becomes the same temperature as the air. Meanwhile I can invest my energy somewhere viable and get the things I love but I'm still a little tangled up.

https://i.postimg.cc/xCc61ycG/image.png

[Flash]

I think it takes time in life to fully understand what a true friendship is to you. It's a funny thing, as we age, we believe we are invincible and do stupid things at a younger age. We grow and believe we know it all... and then we age some more..

I find any relationship is based upon respect and love. Love grows, but showing respect means that you do not lie, or do all of the things that built up to love.

I have found that I have befriended more men later in life than women...

I believe women are the most targeted, and confused about who they are supposed to be, how they are supposed to behave, and they end up "settling" for pretty things and ideals to "Complete them"... It really isn't their fault, but I know plenty of grown women who are unable or unwilling to even consider true happiness in their lives, as they do not stand to "gain anything" from it in a sense of materialism, or status.

Not all ladies are like this... Hence the difference between the terms "Ladies" and "Women"... And I am sure there is the same in men...

I have found that men just want to live. They work hard, play hard, and don't get tied to the same materialistic things women do.. Forget the "Ring" that costs more than a house to prove love, when you can ride a motorcycle or fly a plane that will give you more joy than any trinket you can wear.

Circumstances also change friendships... Working with people makes those people more accessible... And the amount of waking time you spend with those people, tends to lend itself to you getting to know them better, until a variable changes like someone finding a new job..

The trick, in my opinion, is to worry only about your life, while being respectful to others.. As truly, your life is the only life you were granted to live... If the new friends do not respect your time and effort, I just walk away... i try not to judge others, only note their behaviors and hope that I am able to distance those that pull from me, more than I am willing to give...

As a true friend would care if they asked too much from others. You're doing just fine Strat, many people here respect you, and that's a WIN

Oh gosh Denise, you definitly did not meet the same category of man and woman I did. What I observed through most of my girlfriends, who are now older, and most are quite inelligent, is a life of much much more difficulties, men’s betrayals if not pure malice towards them, and some but much less material comfort/golddiggers. As for man, and I mostly worked with men throughout my life, I observed sometimes hard work yes, but believe me, in corporate environments they were and still are working with much more advantages and less difficulties (because of systemic discrimination) than women.

In my own field, even male colleague confided that they could not believe the difference in treatment between them and their professional talented female colleagues.

So, NO, women are not all on the material side, if they were they would abandon their children in throve after divorce, which most women don’t, but many men do. They are poored, have about 30% less pay for the same work, and on and in.

Denise dafling, your thinking is straight way out in the left field in my opinion.

[happyuk]

When I was growing up I thought having as many friends as possible was a good thing. I don't think that way anymore and stopped a long time ago. Nowadays I think if someone is slowly becoming my friend, I think of it as if they have to fill out a resume; what qualifications do they have? If they will tax me in some way then they surely wont be around me often, if at all.

For example, I'm going in a positive direction in life. I don't drink like I used to or get into any trouble. I'm getting my education, working, meditating, reading, eating healthy, exercising etc. Much of the partying lifestyle is a facade IMO, I'm over it. When you take it to the level I did it's a trap. Which brings me full circle - I'm over that ****. Many people I know love it, and it's their lifestyle. So.... they are slowly being cut out of my life.

Most of these folks have good hearts just negative behavior and so I want to stay outside of their sphere of influence. Some people I will never speak to because of egregious offenses. Only a few people I know are like this fortunately.

When it comes to internet people, I ignore/block/whatever depending on circumstance. This is pretty much restricted to Avalon because I don't have social media and I'm not on any other forum (I chat with pen pals but it's not a forum). I'm generally forgiving but sometimes there's a knucklehead or two that has no value and I'll block that person. That's rare fortunately and I love my fellow Avalonians :heart:

I do think of the flip side of this: What if someone else who I admire judged me harshly from one of my human flaws? I try to think about that honestly and when I do I arrive at this being a non-issue:

1 I don't admire people like I used to. Nobody is on a pedestal, I don't hold strangers close to my heart so I can't be hurt in that way. I do admire some folks and would looove to chat with them but they can't effect my psyche in anyway. If they judge me so be it I'm not worried.

2 There are people who will see me as a dirtbag, because I did dirtbag things to them. This was a part of my growth as a person. I accept the judgement, and the bad feelings I get from that is remorse which is a good thing that prevents that from ever happening again.

3 My past is in my rear view

One of my thoughts is I wonder if I'm too quick to cut others out of my life? I give respect away freely but not my trust. That has to be earned, similarly, respect can be lost. As I grow older I find myself quicker to cut people out of my life.

What about you guys?

A simple rule of thumb is to examine your thoughts and feelings after meeting that person.

Do you feel irritated, exhausted, belittled or else diminished in some way - mentally, physically or financially? If so then person is probably toxic and should be given a wide berth. Pay special attention to advice-givers: anyone giving you their unsolicited, unasked wisdom.

Otherwise if feeling uplifted, confident, enlightened, refreshed or similar positive quality then that person has nourishing qualities and is more likely worth cultivating as a friend.

[pyrangello]

My buddy is a private detective , guy who I've known since grade school, he will tell you 10% of the people out there are the TAKERS-meaning they will take whatever you have and never blink an eye. I've helped so many people out in my life , thats just who I am , could be financial help, emotional support or something physical. Being an employer for the last 40 years of almost 1000 people you always think you have seen it all, and thats when john smith shows up and throws you another one you have never saw. Early in my business I went to a seminar, they said if your in business it is inevitable if you stayed in business you will have a lawsuit slapped against you or your company at some time. After almost 40 years I have been sued probably close to 10 years of that 40. Was it my fault, nope, not any of it, ALL the suits and I mean all of them were driven by greed and stupidity, I always say greed breeds stupidity. So how does this all tie into the question about cutting people out of your life?

I've learned that you can be as compassionate, as giving , as generous as you want , but there are those that are the ones that are the TAKERS, that will shove it up your axx and smile about it when they do it. That think whats mine is theirs and there is no consciousness involved. When you run across those people whoever they are, and you decide to defend yourself , make sure you do and when you do burn that bridge to the ground as there will never be another door of compassion or giving opened up to that person ever again. And once you do that , do not ever turn around and look back. I've only done that a few times in my lifetime but when I have that baby was burned to the ground.

One guy who took advantage of me asked me one time , how come you don't change your ways , I said I've helped so many people out in my life, thats who I am, and along with that comes the fact I leave myself vulnerable to get stuck on the back end by some dark entity, I understand that and am aware I leave myself vulnerable . But if I change the way I am because of those select few that are of the dark side tehn I have become what they are and I refuse to let that happen. :)

[Denise/Dizi]

I think it takes time in life to fully understand what a true friendship is to you. It's a funny thing, as we age, we believe we are invincible and do stupid things at a younger age. We grow and believe we know it all... and then we age some more..

I find any relationship is based upon respect and love. Love grows, but showing respect means that you do not lie, or do all of the things that built up to love.

I have found that I have befriended more men later in life than women...

I believe women are the most targeted, and confused about who they are supposed to be, how they are supposed to behave, and they end up "settling" for pretty things and ideals to "Complete them"... It really isn't their fault, but I know plenty of grown women who are unable or unwilling to even consider true happiness in their lives, as they do not stand to "gain anything" from it in a sense of materialism, or status.

Not all ladies are like this... Hence the difference between the terms "Ladies" and "Women"... And I am sure there is the same in men...

I have found that men just want to live. They work hard, play hard, and don't get tied to the same materialistic things women do.. Forget the "Ring" that costs more than a house to prove love, when you can ride a motorcycle or fly a plane that will give you more joy than any trinket you can wear.

Circumstances also change friendships... Working with people makes those people more accessible... And the amount of waking time you spend with those people, tends to lend itself to you getting to know them better, until a variable changes like someone finding a new job..

The trick, in my opinion, is to worry only about your life, while being respectful to others.. As truly, your life is the only life you were granted to live... If the new friends do not respect your time and effort, I just walk away... i try not to judge others, only note their behaviors and hope that I am able to distance those that pull from me, more than I am willing to give...

As a true friend would care if they asked too much from others. You're doing just fine Strat, many people here respect you, and that's a WIN

Oh gosh Denise, you definitly did not meet the same category of man and woman I did. What I observed through most of my girlfriends, who are now older, and most are quite inelligent, is a life of much much more difficulties, men’s betrayals if not pure malice towards them, and some but much less material comfort/golddiggers. As for man, and I mostly worked with men throughout my life, I observed sometimes hard work yes, but believe me, in corporate environments they were and still are working with much more advantages and less difficulties (because of systemic discrimination) than women.
I so agree with this!
In my own field, even male colleague confided that they could not believe the difference in treatment between them and their professional talented female colleagues.

So, NO, women are not all on the material side, if they were they would abandon their children in throve after divorce, which most women don’t, but many men do. They are poored, have about 30% less pay for the same work, and on and in.

Denise dafling, your thinking is straight way out in the left field in my opinion.

Hey there Flash!!! :heart: missed you!

I suppose I should have prefaced my post with my location... For those who are unaware, I live in California... Where plastic everything rules... From plastic faces, to breasts, where who you are depends on what you drive. (Not true, but the up and coming generations believe this, and as such, behave as such. botox parties are the norm, and they are no longer just for Southern California... I recently learned my daughter in law is also getting the injections... The major advertising and television series do not help this either!)

I was merely noting what I have noticed in my home town... and more recently. I certainly was never raised that way, nor do I behave that way.

I agree that there are plenty of men that are less than "proper" in the way that they treat the ladies... I have met plenty myself, and had terrible relationships because of their poor behaviors... Both professional and personal...

I stand by what I wrote, in as much as these are new behaviors that I am starting to notice more in my own community as you know I live in a somewhat "Superficial" state (California, where the illusion of Hollywood reigns supreme, when it comes to setting standards)... And this is not the opinion I had even ten years ago, at least in my area...

So it is very disturbing... It woud seem the women here have figured out if they are not going to be paid their worth in the working environment, they will be trophy brides!

The amount of people that I see daily with face lifts, breast jobs, and unrealistic expectations has really shocked me... The family owns a jewelry shop, and more recently I have noticed a very disturbing trend, as more "Silicon valley tycoons" buy their third of fourth home in our area... Only to rent them out as air BNB's, forcing our youth to relocate out of the area... The young men coming in to buy engagement rings, are looking for specific rings, not just ones they feel will show their affections, but rather, they are being in images that their girlfriends are DEMANDING... And they cater to those demands...

(There is still a percentage who do not behave this way, but the numbers are dwindling quickly!)

More recently the trend has become to buy only what they are seeing on the television shows... The "Real Housewives" seem to be the ones really setting these superficial ways of "Being" to the youth. It's disturbing... Or those shows like the Kardashian's... All women selling their lives for profit, reducing themselves to labels and images, rather than true content of character.

Perhaps this disturbing trend has not made it to your area... It is very disturbing honestly. Because I work so much, and was out of the work field for quite awhile? Really my "girlfriends" have gone on to raise their own families, and I have very little time to spend with them... But I do have a few very good friends... And Flash? They're much like you.... Strong women who depend in themselves... That do NOT behave this way...

And this is partly why you see me here in my spare time, versus trying to go out and making new friendships...