Breaking the cycle

[Ricker]

I realized that on this path to enlightenment that there were certain changes I needed to make with myself and my life style. I have a wife and four children. All of us have this lifestyle driven by the social rules we were all raised on. Our wants became our needs. The amount of waste this family creates is insane. Where exactly dose one start the transformation? The amount of resistance I am about to receive is immeasurable and I would like some tips on those of you who have already made the transition.

Ricker

[Whitehaze]

Perhaps start where the least resisitance is, and lead by example and determination. With unfaultering determination the resisitance should come to understand.

[Ba-ba-Ra]

Start small, by that I mean don't try to change too much at once, that can be overwhelming. And as Whitehaze above mentioned pick the area of least resistance. Also, if you can do it in a fun or joking way when they slip back, rather than becoming angry or disgusted.

Find a high profile celebrity that they can relate to or idolize who is promoting these changes. There are quite a few these days. Good Luck and keep us posted. I truly honor the fact that you want to start the process.

[9eagle9]

In what Whitehaze said about resistance, You may not know where your resistance is. Or even what your least resistance is. You sound like you've already taken the biggest hardest step, realizing that wants aren't needs. But you may get some resistance from your family. Have you spoke to them about this? You will have to eventually.

In identifying our wants vs needs we have to begin to know who we really are. Instead of who we were told we are. How can we know what we want or need if we don't know who we are? We are told by social engineering who we are . Like. We are Americans. We are free. You are a together citizen if you have X car, X box, X amount of income, X many kids, and a X dog approved by your home association.

What do we need: Basically food, water, shelter, air.

My aim was to live well (its the best revenge) but still not be dictated by artificial needs and wants. Reasonably speaking we need more than bread and water to have a fulfilling life. Its the kind of emphasis we put on material goods that is the mind trap. Spirit seekers often times panic and get rid of all their material things in a hurry, because they are suddenly evil (non spiritual) and go live somewhere on a mountain alone. This giving away of goods attaches as much importance as if they'd gone out on a spending spree. We are altering perception. It's not that we shouldn't have 'things' but realizing they are without value in terms of personal fulfillment. Living on mountain alone is not living unless one WANTS to, not to fulfill some moral obligation. Or to fight the need vs want fight.

Useless wants that have posed as needs can be given away but should be replaced with something less material but more fulfilling. Pitching the tv set on its own does little good, it just causes rebellion. Replacing viewing time with something of more gratifying value works better.

Every want that has been identified as a need has to be re-evaluated as a want. Its okay to want things. But as more valuable needs are fulfilled we are less inclined to go into the wants of instant self gratification. What caused a pile of up useless wants is an attempt to fill an unidentified need. "I'm bored with my life, I'm going to get a quad." Well the quad is fun for a time but what happens when you are bored and the weather is useless for quad riding. The quad was a temporary fix so we go out and buy something else to pacify some undetermined need within in. Vicious circle.

The things I shuttled off were All insurances (life, health, etc) Do I need a cell phone. No its a convenience. A new car with attached paymentt no. Old truck with no payment was the replacement. A mortgage, no. I get more value from my rented home of 5k sq feet on 5 acres than I would get for the same price in a box apartment. Meaning I don't need to own it to enjoy it. Ownership is a resistance. When I gave up that resistance I had a lot more stuff of value. More time outside, more time with animals, my garden, the things I wanted to do but attending to artificial needs were keeping me away from. It's a replacement system not a system of sacrifice.

A lot of times our self identity is tied up in things like having a nice car is reflection on yourself. So finding out where your self identity is tied up in things helps.

It's a process. Don't be hard on yourself as you do it. A lifetime of conditioning isn't fixed overnight.

[Ricker]

I'd like to thank you all for your input. I have been under the realization for quite some time that something needs to change. To put things in a better perspective my wife and I have been doing quite well financially by our own standards. Over the past year things have taken a downward spiral. My wife took a second job to pick up some of the slack. I have been working long hard hours as well. It is hard to explain to a child that is used to living a certain lifestyle over a long period of time that some things need to change. To most children (unfortunately) the amount of love you show them is reflected on the materialistic items you can give them. This is My own wrong doing. Naturally I wanted to give them all the things I did not have as a child. I created this beast now it is up to me to tame it.

Ricker

[Anchor]

Step 1: Turn of the TV

[Wub]

Its hard! There's a social conditioning at work here which results in a horrible 'peer pressure', that kids buy into. Parents buy into it to keep the peace and to ensure their kids don't end up being bullied for not having the stuff that others do have.
Its almost like social blackmail when you think of it....and its destructive....

You have to shift the mindset. Somehow, it has to become 'cool', to become 'uncool'.
How to do it? Celebrate eccentricity, become your own person, sniff at consumerism and slavishly following the fashions and trends that symbolise it all. Do voluntary work instead of shopping, join a library, create a garden...............home educate....if you can.

[zelda]

Like everyone tells you.......CHOOSE THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE (I'm not shouting by the way), and understand resistance.
Practice humility. Never complain, never judge, don't justify yourself. Take action on what is going in your life.

[9eagle9]

This is true, Wub. We impose a child's role on them in a sort of unconscious way. Good or bad. Our value systems. My daughter copy cats me. Granted when she was feeling some insecurity at school she felt material things would help her but it was very brief. So we did the material thing and she found out having things doesn't' correct the insecurity. I'm not denying her anything but in showing her how meaningless things can be she's learned to make better choices in how she entertains herself. The TV & Playstation is virtually unused. She just adopted my tv and media habits.

The school often complains to me , in spite of good behavior and grades, " that she thinks she's just learning BS." Could I help to correct that?" No I will not, i instilled it. As long as she's not being rude or disruptive , she is free to feel that way . If you aren't going to like the answer quit asking the question.

I keep hearing this "I can't understand your daughters attitude, she's so bright and a pleasure to have in the classroom"

How hard is it to teach BS? She's brighter for not buying into it.

Teachers complain that parents have left the role of teaching appropriate behavior up to the teacher. But then they will turn around and complain when the child is taught values that are not in alignment with 'the program."

So yes in teaching values outside of our known social engineering, you also have to be prepared to have the neighborhood (and family!)criticize you for being neglectful. The 'bad' parent. When the neighbors stared eyeballing me I made it a point to notice what precisely they were eyeballing to define me as a bad parent. How my daughter dressed, what I drove, where I lived, how I dressed....lol.

You really only get uncertain when you are uncertain of your own values, and changing them brings a time of uncertainty until it starts working for you.




You have to shift the mindset. Somehow, it has to become 'cool', to become 'uncool'.
How to do it? Celebrate eccentricity, become your own person, sniff at consumerism and slavishly following the fashions and trends that symbolise it all. Do voluntary work instead of shopping, join a library, create a garden...............home educate....if you can.

[Whitehaze]

The title of this thread sparked a question for me right now. How much are we doing to break the cycle outside of our own box? Are we talking to people? Are we leading by example towards a different paradigm? Are we doing enough? In breaking the cycle it is going to require more than just in our own house. If things dont change outside the box, then we are trapped in our own box hiding from what is out there. just a thought.

[Shezbeth]

I like Step 1.

As a step 2 I would suggest getting in touch with your diet and nutrition. For about a half hour of reading and researching you can learn alot about proper nutrition that can significantly impact your disposition and well being.

[Pamela]

Always it is easier to see the outcome of spending when you make a spreadsheet showing where all the money goes. Do this and show it to your children. They will understand. It becomes very clear. Then make another column across from the expenses and label it WANT OR NEED and see how much your family would have left if you started removing the WANTS.

My mother-in-law last year decided she was not going to buy any birthday or Christmas gifts for any of the family but instead spend the same amount on a family vacation. We all had a wonderful time - even the kids! Now, no one wants presents from Grandma but a family vacation instead!

To me it showed that everyone decided that they preferred spending time with family and having fun than getting (sometimes) needless gifts.

[write4change]

I share much with eagle9. With kids if you can break the paradigm just once. With my daughter entering a new school in the 7th grade. She had bought into if she just had the right clothes and accouterments she would be cool. This was the time I could do it. She was really into the gap thing at that time. And I have never bought into the branding BS and she knew it. So I surprised her by saying before school shopping how much to think you need to spend to get exactly everything you want. She said a 1000 dollars.

So I got a 1000 dollars cash and gave it to her and went with her while she bought a leather jacket, shoes, skirts, the whole works. Well, she found out in reality in made no difference. I found with her that I parented by sort of peak experience--one huge lesson never forgotten.

But I also walk the talk. In Texas at that time most of the mothers were stay at home Moms like I was. But they spent their time as helicopter parents constantly circling their kids and get them the best seats regardless. They also did a lot of gossiping and pot stirring. One day I picked my daughter up from school and she was in a tizzy. We were the only Jews in this small town and she had started hanging out with Mr. Blond Blue Eyed Travis Austin Houston the Fourth. When his parents found out she was Jewish as she blond etc. they said no no no. And there was a whole lot of gossip about it. So this little girl says my mom said your mom said on the phone.... and my daughter turned to me and said there is no way my mother would ever say anything like that on the phone. my mother does not talk like that ever. I will tell you I can still remember the look on her face and no diamond will or could be ever be as treasured.

The worst thing you can ever do to a kid is deceive them in any way and they will find out in some way. And I made some mistakes in that line. She understood but she never liked it and I stopped doing it because I was in reality protecting her that way. Lying by omission is not acceptable to them either.

[White Rabbit]

The most important thing is that YOU yourself believe in the changes you want to implement. If your loved ones see/sense that in you, your actions, your demeanor... it will make a big difference... the trick is not to get caught up in the resistance THEY may throw your way... stay positive and live it!!!

~White Rabbit