My experiences with amnesia

[topher]

Dear good Avalonians,

I don't know if I'm putting this in the right place, or if I am, if its even useful information. But I feel that in case it could offer an example that may aid in anyone's understanding, I'll post it here:

A bit about me. Some doctors have told me that I am bipolar, and that is my current medical diagnosis. As such, I am currently on the psychotropic drugs Olanzapine and Divalproex as "mood stabilizers." I also smoke cannabis occasionally as I feel it is at times beneficial to my personal well-being.

In the past, I have been on other psychotropics (Wellbutrin, Effexor, Seroquel, Risperdol, Sertraline, Clonazepam... and many many others) as prior to my diagnosis of being bipolar, I have been diagnosed with pretty much everything else (Aspergers, Schizophrenia... to name a couple). Yet, if you were to know me, you would not suspect me of having ANY sort of "mental illness" at all. I am an eccentric personality, but who among us isn't. My lack of functionality in this world is due to my sensitivity, and being very often overwhelmed by what I feel when I venture out.

I give you this information about myself as a gesture of openness, because what I am about to explain would be and has been explained as symptomatic of "mental illness," and maybe that is the correct explanation, or maybe it isn't. I'll leave it for you to decide.

For the past couple of years, I have been experiencing missing time. On the evening of Friday the 3rd (pacific time), I was not under the influence of any substance other than divalproex, which I doubt could explain the following. I went for a walk (I do remember feeling agitated at that time), and did not return until around noon of the next day (the 4th). I remember leaving my home, and I remember finding myself lost in the early morning the next day (around 6 or 7am). I couple of guys from Cuba invited me over to their place to smoke a joint. Being in quite a nihilistic place at that moment, I accepted. They kept telling me that I'm beautiful. Eventually I become uncomfortable with their comments, so I left, and eventually found my way back home. I was very dizzy, and was concerned people might think me to be drunk because I couldn't walk straight. Marijuana does not have that effect on me.

The thing about this that I find important is that I have no memory of what happened in the middle. When I left, I think I had a bit of a self-destructive energy within me, but I had no intention of doing anything harmful, and I do not believe that I did. When I returned home, my fiance was very loving a nurturing, because she is a beautiful loving soul who has witnessed this sort of thing in me countless times.

Countless times. This has happened before. Sometimes I had delusions of being chased, and have spent entire nights hiding in bushes and hopping fences (I have basic infantry training that I utilized). In hindsight, I'm still not convinced that those were delusions, because I saw those that gave chase to me, though when they caught me, they literally dematerialized before my eyes. There have been other episodes where I remember absolutely nothing. In fact, there are entire months of recent years that I hardly remember.

I want to be as honest as possible. I believe that there were instances where Clonazepam (nasty stuff - can cause memory loss) was a factor, though none of my psychiatrists or other doctors have ever acknowledged this. They tend to blame Marijuana, though I usually do not have any weed in my system when this happens. I AM NOT a pot head. I even had one psychiatrist suggest that it was the 4 cans of beer I had drank that caused one episode (why isn't this happening to everyone then?!). I don't normally drink ANY alcohol AT ALL. Some have suggested that it is a weird form of seizure that I'm having, so scans were done, and nothing (other than inexplicable, unspecified brain damage) out of the ordinary was found - by some docs, though others said something was found, but nobody is giving me a straight answer.

After some of my past black-outs, I've woken up in psych-wards, other times in jail, other times lost on some street, though I frequently seem to make it home.

What I'm describing here could fall solely into the realm of psychiatry, in which case I apologize for taking up your time, because I realize that that isn't the focus of this forum. The reason I am posting this is because I feel that I should - no reason beyond that. Maybe there is something more than a dysfunctional brain at work here.

Peace and vitality to all of you.
Chris.

[topher]

I have forgotten to include one thing in my account: When I blackout, I do not always forget every detail. I sometimes remember 'flashes' of it. One thing that I think is noteworthy is that I am sometimes aware of beings (often resembling shadows) near me. There was also a time when I was approached be a small dog who just sat by my feet, then vanished. Maybe I'm schizo, but I can promise you that I am very grounded in reality in my everyday life (ie: no hallucinations, delusions, ect) - with or without the influence of prescribed psychotropic drugs. If fact, I am probably more sane without them - definitely more lucid.

[Heartsong]

have any of your Drs mentioned "fugue state". a person can lose time during those and wake up not knowing what has transpired for as little as a few minutes up to days. Google "fugue state" and see if anything matches your experience.
PS. it's pronounced "fee-yewg" with the fee and yew slurred together....even though it looks like fudge.

[pharoah21]

I don't really believe in people having mental ilnesses, not the same way people see it in the West anyhow. People go to a psych and say "I hear voices in my heads telling me to kill myself", so the Psych locks them up (as if that's gonna help them) and puts them on drugs. I say, these people have a gift, to hear voices, and if they were taught how to excercise their authority and say "GO AWAY! YOU ARE A LOWER FREQUENCY THAN ME AND ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!" well I believe that would more or less fix them up.

You have a gift Topher, a gift to see things. if you can find a local shaman, psychic, somebody a long those lines to sit down with you and teach you how to deal with or prevent these kinds of situations, I believe it could work wonders for you.

Blessings

[off_the grid]

Topher, that was a interesting post.

I have a friend that I work with that was diagnosed bi-polar.

His trigger is pot, and although is enjoys smoking it, it seems to bring on these altered states.

He has some very unique stories also, and personally I think he isn't mentally ill, in fact he makes a lot of sense usually......

[mosquito]

" 'tis no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" - Krisnamurti.

Topher, you sound as though you intuitively know what your "problem" is (difficulty functioning in an insane world), so I would suggest the first thing to do is be gentle with yourself.
Psychoactive drugs such as these are, by their nature, very powerful, and let's not forget they've been designed by and are prescribed by people who haven't got the faintest idea of how the human mind works. If you add marijuana and/or alcohol into the picture, you're likely to end up with all sorts of unpleasant mental symptoms. Likewise, "bipolar" and all the other diagnoses are merely words, invented by these self-same people, they are disease labels, which help the physician, not the patient.
My suggestion to you would be to gradually take back control of your life, dreamwork is always a good place to start, also try keeping a journal, see if you can identify any patterns around the amnesia. Look for new ways to express yourself - painting, drawing, poetry, music. As the previous poster said, you have unique gifts and talents. All of this with the aim of reducing your dependence on physchoactive drugs (you'll also need the help of your doctor).
Good luck, Philip

[pharoah21]

On the topic of Marijuana, I do believe that anything of nature, has a purpose of some sort. Now most people think apples are healthy, but the acidity in the apple can really do your stomach damage when excessively consumed. With marijuana, shamans all over the world use it, as well as other natural halucigens to bring about new levels in their meditations and rituals to heal etc. My girlfriend said it like this

'It's like owning a license to operate heavy machinery'.

Make sure you use these things in constructive ways, not destructive ways.......as long as you are doing no harm to yourself or anybody else then don't worry too much about what others have to say.

[Foggy]

Topher:

There are 15 segments to this YouTube video around 5 minutes each.
The information presented is most beneficial and worth your viewing time.

Here is the first one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zhu8rsumBw

Suggest you click at the top left of the YouTube page where it says 27 Videos.
When the page opens, click on the first one. They will play in sequence..
Psychiatry Exposed 1
PsychiatryExposed

It would be helpful to learn all you can about CCHR.

Mental disorders are invented based upon a check list of symptoms and published in the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) to justify billing codes. There are no tests to verify a “so called chemical imbalance disorder” of the brain….yet, doc after doc pushes Big pharma’s drugs. This is a world wide change since 1997 with UN involvement. It has been ramping up big time in the last 5 years.

Anyone who accepts psychiatry drugs from a family doc is not thinking clearly. You have 4 minutes to communicate what’s bothering you.
When you are sick, you need someone who cares about you to visit the doc with you. There is “big money” at stake.
It’s not about getting you well. That’s your responsibility. You need to get information from as many sources as you can and 4 minutes is not enough.

In the US, it’s the FDA’s responsibility to protect us from bad drugs. The work they do on our food supply is appalling. We deserve better, but, that is not the plan.

We’ve been eating cloned beef, chicken and pork shot up with hormones and antibiotics. Not to worry, we are their lab Ginny Pigs and if we don’t all die first, we’ll supply the data at some time in the future.

Between the Genetically Modified Foods in our vegetable, fruit and grain supply; coupled with the insanity of pooping and peeing in our drinking water, our population will drop easily.

What sickens me about this greedy mess is what they are doing to the children giving them free psychotropic drugs that will net billions to Big Pharma. No longer is Medicine being practiced….it’s Marketing. Some Doc’s have become Sales Agents for the Drug Companies.

Have you noticed all the drugs they’re peddling to the public’s vacant mind on TV?
How about the line they use ……talk to your doc about …..

Just like the greedy Mortgage Banksters ignored the tragedy they were creating, some of the greedy Medical Community is also ignoring the tragedy and damage they are creating.

You may wish to watch Video #10 twice as it talks of nutrition and how you can diagnose bipolar yourself. Video #13 is a wake-up call concerning the tragedy of a beautiful little 4 year old girl….and the “Standard of Care” that allows some docs to get away with profits before patients in a 300 billion industry back in 2008. Reading your intelligent comments, it's possible you could be experiencing side effect due to the chemical reactions of the drugs themselves over the years.
quote:"Metyrapone is a drug that significantly decreases the levels of cortisol, a stress hormone that is involved in memory recall," explained lead author Marie-France Marin. Manipulating cortisol close to the time of forming new memories can decrease the negative emotions that may be associated with them.

In the final analysis, it is our responsibility to take charge of our health and use the doc as our partner. There are exceptional docs that practice this way and it’s our responsibility to find them… if we are not treating with the proper professional.

[Agape]

I'm wondering ...

Human individualities are unique, so different from each other..there are physical, psychic, social, emotional, intellectual etc etc patterns that some never experience during their whole life while for others, the same are natural,
a norm . It does not really matter how much unique you are , what matters is..
discovering your place 'under the Sun' as they say.
What way your sensitivity and gifts can be shared with others .

While all of our organisms contain number of biological mistakes , 'broken codes' on the very minute level making us succeptible towards one or another kind of easy impairment , misreactions, characteristics we don't quite enjoy, memory lapses ( who really has none ? ) ,

we are still holistic beings able to discover and discern sense, a meaning in the back of each such event and ocassionally we are even able to repair them, to 'learn' from what we've experienced.

As a matter of fact, only you are able to know yourself perfectly, your organism, your mistakes. Expecting others , including doctors, teachers or best friends to 'know you better' in substance is sort of, futile.
It does not work logically. They can know the best only themselves again, and need to be reminded of it , only too often.


This does not mean to say we do not learn or can not help one another, we do a lot but not always .

It's another biological mystery, mystery of resonance, the creation itself that aligns your intelligence with someones elses and enables you and them share information on particular frequency unique to you , your kind of people.


While on the other hand we all experience each other in minute form, but it needs patience and time to discover the 'others in you' , all the infinite potentials we all posses .


I'm not in favour of traditional psychiatry and their treatments eventhough it seems to be modernized these days and there are people who seriously need to be isolated from the society and given some sort of labels to go with .


I am not in favour of mind altering drugs because while they may provide some short time relief at times of emergency ,

what do they really substantiate in long term ?


Absence of understanding , empathy, sensations on subtle level, all being rather nullified and washed than understood ?


Unwilligness on the side of individual to cross the prison of their own mind and seek for happiness simply it's not nearby but perhaps, could it be somewhere else in this world ?


Refusal to realize that people who influence our existence are not without responsibility and mistakes and while we accept their influence and support..
they may not be the best answer to our inner call , needs and quest ?


Living in vane just because you don't dare to say 'no' to all you know is actually harmful, negative or non supportive the least ?



Hope I do not sound too rough , not my intent .


But from what I've observed in my own life and others, the 'madness' is most often hiding behind cool faces of those who create it for others and can 'deal with that'.

While those who can't because it's feeling foreign to them are forced to the other side, forced to take on the roles of sufferers, victims and look bad enough so that the rest of society feels happy.


I may be wrong .. But your experiences sound interesting and as someone above hinted,
you might find more answers with old shamans, medicine men, teachers versed in spiritual sciences who are themselves pure minded practioners of the same ..

rather than by dissecting your brain and trying to find some sort of artificial chemical balance.



Good luck :angel:

[Heartsong]

Topher,
Don't feel discouraged by the comments of those whose path has not led them through a course of mental illness.

Some who are diagnosed with mental illness are served well by pharmaceuticals, some are not.

Some psychiatrists/psychologists are true healers some are not.

The goal is to feel well and whole and it's not easily attained by any means.

[Mulder]

I know a lot about bi-polar disorder as my parents had it. I'm not sure "losing time" is a symptom of a mood disorder, so its probably due to something else.

I have an idea - why not buy a personal video camera - one that looks like a pen. Leave it in your breast pocket & leave it recording so you can see what happens when you lose time. Or even a digital voice recorder could be some help.

I've started reading Kim Carlsberg's book about alien abductions, so I'll leave another reply if I read anything helpful.