Pain and Forgiveness

[Armen]

Ok, so this might just be a bit too weird, but I can't help it. I was walking along, kind of living through all the ways in which people have been abused and discarded, and all the pain that has arisen as a result. Then I was thinking about what I am really passionate about.

Witnessing people. So, I thought, it could be really powerful to try this. I started this thread with the intention of giving people a chance to voice something they feel they are holding onto which is painful, and for which a sincere apology would be in some way useful or healing.

I know for me, it would be very meaningful to get to do that, as I am very passionate about that kind of work. I would then be able to post a reply with an apology.

It's kind of an experiment, but I want to try it. It could turn into a platform for deeper bonding and community building.

I, for one, am very interested in witnessing people's pain, and reflecting back to them the beauty that's inside of them.

So there it is. Curious to see where it goes...

[Morgaine]

There you go again Armen.....how do you do it?! I think this is a great idea, although perhaps a difficult thing for many people to do. Honesty is a brilliant way of breaking down barriers between people, and encouraging free interaction. A good way to get the right energy flowing for people to come together.

I will throw myself out there first, so to speak. I'm not scared!! (well, I am a bit actually, but hey, at least I had a go!)

I am holding on to the anger the resent and the grief I felt when he lied to me. It seems ridiculous to say now, 7 years later, but it literally felt like someone had shot me when I found out. To be chosen by someone, not as the one who held their heart and with whom they fell in love with, but instead to be chosen because the real love they wanted, turned them down. To always be the second best. To just KNOW that no matter how many times you hear the words "I love you" that they are not true, and that one different word from another woman and my whole world would have been different. I carry this in my heart every day, because it destroyed the trust I has so carefully placed in another. My life goes on, but it's there everyday in my heart like a stone.

Don't judge me for writing this down anyone please!

Morgaine.

[Armen]

Yes, I can relate to what you're saying. The fear of being judged for telling the truth. And the desire to be someone's first choice. Someone whom we also choose. I too want that so badly. And the feelings of betrayal that can result when you invest yourself in that reality and find out it's not the way you had pictured. I want to extend my compassion towards you. It doesn't feel to me like you are trying to condemn anyone. Just dealing with your own hurt, which is understandable. I'm sorry that you are carrying this. Genuinely. Because I know how it feels. In one way or another I've been on both sides of that fence (please don't judge me, see I'm nervous too). And I can imagine that this other person is also holding a considerable amount of pain and hurt as a result.

As I hold your sharing in my heart, I'm asking myself. "What can I do?" "What can be done to allow this pain to dissolve, or at least loosen a bit?" "What are the parts of you that need to be reassured or offered an apology, so that you can reclaim those parts of you?" "How can someone who is not directly involved show solidarity with you?" These questions may be irrelevant. I don't know. I'm only sitting with how your words are affecting me.

I tell you on my own behalf, I've not always been strong enough to tell the truth. Especially when it was regarding love. Love frightens me, because you have to be so excruciatingly honest. There have been times when I have lied because I wanted to protect someone's feelings. There were times when I've lied to protect my own feelings. And sometimes I was just plain confused. I'm sorry for the pain your experience has caused you.

I see your pain (to the degree that an outsider can). I see that you are living your life with courage, and that simultaneously you have left a part of yourself behind. I see your strength as weakness, and your weakness as strength, and the courage it takes to be all those things in one. May you find yourself again. Truly. I want that for you. Help me know what the right thing to say or do is. Thank you for giving me, yet again, this gift, and for being the first one to take me up on this most exciting and scary venture...

[DianeKJ]

ok

I'm holding on to the anger of your abuse when I was too young to defend myself. I'm angry that I beleived myself to be a stupid-idiot, like you told me so many times. Your lack of love caused me to have stunted relationships with men and to distrust them and seek love in the wrong way. I'm angry that you died and left me no obvious way to sort through our relationship. I'm mad at myself for feeling a combination of guilt and relief when you died.

crap that is hard... I may delete this soon

[Armen]

DianeKJ,

I feel compelled to speak to you as two people. One, as Armen who barely knows you. Two, as the person you are speaking to. I am obviously not that person, so I can only apply my intuition and imagination as to what he (I'm assuming it's a man) might say in the form of an apology.

The first thing that I, Armen, want to convey, is that you are not a stupid idiot. You are not that stigma that was placed upon you because of this person's own pain. You may already know this, but nevertheless, it is also important for you to know that others know this as well. I'm sorry you were not given the love you deserved when you came into this world. I understand that you would be mad at yourself for feeling guilty, and there is no need. It's understandable that you felt relief when this relationship ended. It's normal to feel relief when continuous pain ends. To me, it doesn't indicate in the slightest that you are ungrateful, or callous. Only that you were glad that the pain was coming to an end. Is there perhaps some way that we can allow you to relinquish your guilt, to set it free, like the crow you saw into the other world? If it is possible, and does not offend you, that is my wish for you. I'm also sorry that you didn't get a chance to find resolution with this person, for you certainly deserve that. Perhaps there is a more esoteric way for this to still happen, and if it is possible, I would like to hold the possibility of that within my awareness.

What you are is a divine miracle in human form. A creator with something important to do. You were not given the proper conditions to share the genius that lies inside of you, and I can't reverse that, but there is still so much time to express your gifts. Perhaps like me, the gift of being put through a lot of pain will help you in your mission. I don't know. But I'm sorry you are angry. I understand that you are angry. You have a right to be angry, and a right to be free of your anger.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________ __

I don't channel, and I want to be really clear that this is not a channeled message per say. Rather, what I'm going to do is start from the assumption that this person was a good hearted individual, like all of us. I am relaxing my consciousness into the experience of what I might say if someone I loved said those words to me.

Here's what came out:

I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you. I didn't mean it. I really didn't. As hard as it may be to believe, I didn't want this for you. I only did what I knew to do. I wasn't loved the way I should have been, and I could only be there for you to the limited degree that others were there for me. That doesn't excuse my actions. Rather, it only shows you that, really, I wasn't trying to harm you. In my own misguided way, I wanted the best for you. I admit that I fell victim to my own anger and disappointments in life. I admit that I took it out on you. I'm sorry. Most of all, I'm sorry that this pain that was placed inside of me, got transferred to you. I'm sorry that you've had to carry it for all this time, and that it has affected your own relationships. It pains me to know that I didn't get a chance to set things right before I left. I didn't get a chance to leave you, knowing that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I love you. I can't take back what has happened. I can only say that I need your forgiveness, because I love you. My plea to you, is that you find a way to release the shame, the guilt, and the anger you have carried as a result of my influence on you. I hope that my words can be of use in allowing you to relinquish the pain you've been carrying, which isn't just your pain, but the pain of your family and ancestry. As you free yourself, you free all of us. I do love you. I always did, and I'm truly sorry I couldn't make that abundantly clear every day of your precious life....

____________________________________________

This is me, Armen as Armen again. I hope that this can be of some use. The same fear that you felt in putting your post out, is what I am now feeling in posting my reply. If there is anything in here that is offensive, I'm sorry. apologizing well is not an easy thing to do. As it is with any human being who chooses to share their humanity with me, I am really touched that you were brave enough, and willing to give me this gift. This makes me feel connected. From the bottom of my heart, thank you...

[DianeKJ]

awe Armen, words are elluding me. It is difficult but cleansing and beautiful in it's own way. Thank you so much for allowing the space for it and sharing part of yourself as well, it touched me deeply.
much love,
Di

[Sowelu]

This is a beautiful step forward.. It's not easy forgiving those who have hurt you,
but the fact that ur able means that you have grown above the bitter resentment mentality.
My respect to all of you who post here.
It took me awhile to let go of my distrust towards a certain family member because of all they had put me through
And telling them i loved them anyways was the hardest thing but it felt like a weight was lifted from my soul :)

[seko]

awe Armen, words are elluding me. It is difficult but cleansing and beautiful in it's own way. Thank you so much for allowing the space for it and sharing part of yourself as well, it touched me deeply.
much love,
Di

Hi Diane, you're a star darling, and we love you here. what you said in your first post, was truly brave, not many like you can do that. Now you don't have to carry that weigh on your shoulders. Let that pain go away naturally.
Be happy and smile.:grouphug:

[cheez_2806]

THankyou first and here I go,

I cannot let go of what you have done to me, letting me or other people take all the responsibility for your mistakes. I don't know, is it me?? To me, I think you have made the mistake...I made mistakes too but I don't show disrespect at least. well, I think its a kind of disrespect to being late for 2 hrs or so everytime...or just don't come at all...I know you for three years although its not that long, but we almost see each other everyday or talk to each other everyday, all the good times together I cannot forget that either. I just can't stand it when I wait for you, then you either tell me I can't come because of what ever lie you made up, if you can't come or your late just tell me the truth, I don't mind just don't make me go out then when I call, you don't even pick up then one hour later you call back saying that I didn't call to wake you up...The thing is, you say we are such good friends but then you can't even be truthful to me about your true feelings...man...

You say you wanted to learn korean, so I organize a korean friend for you to meet, I made it at one oclock, you still wanna come late because you were drinking last night, then I ask you you know you're gonna come out tomorrow then why do you still have to drink?? She said because she can't pull down her face and say no to her room mates..ah man..then I asked her you could just tell her that you needed to go out tomorrow so you could drink a little, you don't have to get yourself drunk..then you say why I don't understand you...

ai...I don't know, I don't talk to her as much just because the things she does and I think its her personality that I got to know better now, I don't think we are suited to be together anymore. It seems to me now, I don't understand the way she perceives things and she doesn't understand mine either.

I should move on, but I can't let go. I feel like I have done something bad...have I?...ah..i don't know..

man...all I know is that it makes me feel better to say it out...

[Armen]

cheez_2806,

It's hard to have someone in your life you care about, but you feel doesn't appreciate the energy you put into them. I'm sorry your friend doesn't honor your time, or the time you give her. Your time matters, and you deserve having it respected and held in regard. The way I am reading your post, it sounds like being witnessed is good enough for now. I don't want to jumble the space with too many words. Just say that I hear your inner conflict. Thanks for sharing yourself here. This isn't an easy thing to do.