View Full Version : Is My Mission Over?
Ernie Nemeth
21st September 2011, 19:14
Hi Avalon!
I have an ongoing situation I wish to share.
The situation as it stands is too complicated to rehash here but I have been encouraged to post here and ask for help. I know when to surrender to the universe (sometimes), and this is one of those times. Heyoka_11, Fred and Starsha have suggested I do this. It is very hard for me...
I joined Starsha's Shadowwork Group hoping to help others - little did I know at the time it would be me needing the help. The details are in the bad day thread, mostly. I invite anyone interested to read it to catch up. Here I will only outline my "problem".
Where do I start, how do I keep it short? Is this even respecting the rights of those involved to anonymity? Am I crossing some imaginary line of fairplay? Last time, I shared this with my family (8 years ago) and they now have nothing to do with me or my "situation". It is a taboo subject now and so a lot of my feelings have been stuffed deep down inside my heart. I do not want to let my soul-mate down, as I promised her I never would, not ever. But there comes a time when promises must be broken, if the other party takes advantage of such a solemn vow, right? Right! But it really hurts, I feel like a heel (old saying).
When I came to my present girlfriend I was at the height of my power, well on the way to destinations unknown. On my 45th birthday I met her and she touched my heart in a way I've never been before. I fell in love immediately. Her story is a series of tragedies starting from a very early age. And when I met her, she was close to the end (I believe).
So I dropped my life as I knew it, left everything behind, and came to save her.
The next four years were a nightmare of ups and downs like nothing I had ever experienced before. It included violence, police, incarceration, courts and worst of all, breach of trust. Yet through it all , I stubbornly refused to give up on her, wanting to show her that there is a thing in this world called unconditional love (I was learning the meaning of that in spades).
I managed to help her beat one of her addictions, which was simply unacceptable to me and a condition of our continued relationship. I had to leave her then to show her I meant it. And after she got out of jail (three months) on an unrelated charge (ya, right, you need money for drugs right, shoplifting is one way to do that, right?) she came back to me, clean. And she has remained so for the past four years.
Three years ago her daughter moved in with us "just for a few months until I get back on my feet again", and has been with us ever since. I tried at first to extend my healing power to her as well but she was having none of that. So her presence has been an extremely disruptive influence on our relationship (with her mother).
A few weeks back daughter somehow convinced mom to fall off the wagon, again. So while I was asleep, they spent many hundreds on illicit narcotics. The story goes on, when I found out she had spent the rent money, I lost it. I hit her with open hand on shoulder, many times, saying, "Stupid, stupid woman!" - over and over. She called the police and I ran away. She charged me with assault again and now I'm a fugitive from the law.
And again I went back to her! But my heart is no longer in it. The only thing that keeps me there is my vow never to leave her. I love her but she just won't come around, maybe she can't - I don't know. And her daughter just keeps up the same behavoir, partying, stumbling in at all hours of the night, getting drunk at home and just generally being disruptive. For the most part I hide in my room to not cause waves.
But my personal growth is effectively limited by this negative aura around me. My space I keep clear as well as I can but it does creep in from time to time. I'm starting to wonder if the dark forces have some sort of concerted effort going on against me. And I keep telling myself that I am no one of importance so why would they bother? That don't seem to wash any more. I want to heal and this situation is not conducive to that endeavor.
Well, I've covered most of it, I guess.
I must also put in that, of course, it has not been all bad. I have learned a great deal about myself from this experience. And my woman has a gentle heart. She needs help, has needed it all her life but the "system" failed her repeatedly. She was even part of a semi-famous trial here in Toronto years back (20?) that netted the guilty party a whopping 2 years in jail for the atrocities he perpetrated.
What can I do? What should I do? Especially since my greatest sticking point is abandonment issues. Do I now abandon my girl? Is that the lesson.
I welcome all suggestions, comments, observations - healing?
And if you ever by chance run across this thread: Know I love you, I still do and always will. But I cannot heal another if I myself am not whole. May you find what you seek...
norman
21st September 2011, 19:30
RESCUE!.... there's the problem.
crosby
21st September 2011, 19:45
Ernie, you have given so much of yourself to save this woman who touched your heart. too see it all fall apart is a tragedy, indeed. you have answered your own question though: "But my heart is no longer in it." in matters of the heart, i have always tried to stick to my own intuition. i have made many mistakes when i haven't followed what i know inside to be true. those mistakes have cost me gravely. i say too you: there are some people that can never be saved. they have fallen into taking, taking, and still more taking. in order for you to regain your own inner balance, you should follow your intuition. she will have to save herself now. perhaps standing on her own two feet and finding out what the world really has too offer is what she needs to do. maybe she can't see that, or maybe she doesn't want too. she hasn't been able to resign herself to stay clean. the daughter is still there so that she has justification to continue on her path.
i can't tell you to leave her; but i can say that your heart needs light and love in return too. i wish you the very best.
warmest regards, corson
Robert J. Niewiadomski
21st September 2011, 19:52
Ernie, I would stay if I were you. But first ask her if she still needs your Love. If she still considers your promise as bonding... You made a promise... And you can't help people if they don't want to be helped... But it's nothing new...
I was constantly in such "bonding" before I met my better half. I wanted to stay because it seamed better than being alone. And I never asked if I was needed... I think I have made such promises like you but I can't (or don't want to) remember. Those relationships just used to fade away on one day. Being replaced by another. No one recalled me about my promises... But a promise is a promise. Seems now I have some unpaid bills :( Thanks for recalling that to me Ernie...
I think I am not good at "connecting dots" after all :(
I am sorry :(
christian
21st September 2011, 19:55
I love you, I still do and always will. But I cannot heal another if I myself am not whole.
You got it.
Instead of 'breaking the vow', take a different perspective on it. You want to help her the best way you can, whatever it might take, I guess. So leaving her physically might be perfectly right, you don't abondon her in your heart anyways.
Could it be possible, that bright souls attract darker ones in a type of 'Mother Therese complex'? It seems like some bright souls tend to be willing to shoulder all the load, that they can find. If this is true to some degree, then where is the gain in that? You take on too much, thus hurting and hindering yourself, and you even steal from others their opportunities to self-responsibly learn.
RESCUE!.... there's the problem.
"Rescue without participation is not an option." Handbook for the New Paradigm
ViralSpiral
21st September 2011, 19:56
Hello Ernie
Thank you for sharing, I know this must have been difficult and it means a lot to you.
Perhaps some dont wish to be "rescued"? Or, their hurt is so deep, you may never heal it?
Some people have to have drama to just "be".
My suggestion would be to step off of the stage before you are caught in the spotlight.
You made a vow. At what cost?
If you haven't done shadow work, may I suggest you read: The Dark Side of The Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
My thoughts are with you during this trying time
((hugs))
Ernie Nemeth
21st September 2011, 20:23
Too overcome with emotions to respond right now.
Thanks to all who are sending love/healing/clarity.
Know that I feel in no uncertain terms the caring thoughts sent my way (wave after wave washes over me).
I am speechless and in awe of such power!
ViralSpiral
21st September 2011, 20:31
Actually, there is another book you may wish to invest in: Radical Forgiveness, by Colin Tipping
Here an excerpt:
"Take your situation. You and Jeff have this drama going on. That much is clear, but what if beneath the drama something of a more spiritual nature was happening -- same people and same events but a totally different meaning? What if your two souls were doing the same dance but to a wholly different tune? What if the dance was about you healing? What if you could see this as an opportunity to heal and grow? That would be a very different interpretation, would it not?"
Ria
21st September 2011, 20:46
Get out now.
If you go under, their will be nothing left anyway.
So you can't do anything for her or your self.
Slowly killing your self off, serves no purpose.
She has abused the soft option, this will just continue.
You are being played, and manipulated, how ever sweetly she dose it.
I know there is a back story. She decided to trash what you had, discount it.
Your being disempowered at every turn, and not far off being penniless.
She and her daughter have deviously stolen, there is no end to this.
Please help your self, there is only you now.
much love and light to you.
Vitalux
21st September 2011, 20:49
Hey guy....hang in there.
My suggest is to go to your family doctor ...explain the situation a bit and see if he can hook you into some serious counseling.
There is no shame in seeking help when our mental troubles get the better of us.
Good luck.
Jayke
21st September 2011, 20:57
It's never too late to commit yourself to a more empowering vow based on the wisdom you've gained since this relationship began...
Marianne
21st September 2011, 20:59
Hi Ernie,
I recognize the courage it took for you to write your story for everyone to see. So I will summon up some courage too, and tell you my family's story. Take from it what you will.
My younger son married a woman who needed rescuing, and there was alcoholism and bulemia added in. It was well hidden for awhile. I think it would've been hard for him to leave, but she ended up leaving him after 4 years. It was very hard on him at first, but he has recovered and is the wiser for it. He was left with all the debt from the marriage, which he has recently paid off completely. He owns two cars, completely paid off, is working on finishing his college degree, and has a wide circle of friends & a job where he is highly valued. All that came after the breakup.
I still care about my former daughter-in-law, and wish her well. But I'm so glad she is not in my son's life anymore. I hope her new life situation brings her the help or strength that we could not give her, althought we tried mightily.
I do energy healing ... just let me know if that is something that would help you. I would be honored. In any case, I'm sending you good vibrations now.
All love,
Marianne
¤=[Post Update]=¤
ps: he is also soooo glad it's over
Mark
21st September 2011, 21:06
I say get out now. You have a superman complex. Also a martyr complex. I speak so bluntly because I have been almost exactly where you are. You've learned the lesson you needed to. But each day that you stay in that situation you are opening yourself up to negative potentialities, because, as you know quite well, any little thing at all can lead to an escalation that may turn to violence.
With me, the universe opened up to end the relationship almost perfectly and that will happen with you as well if you do not have the strength or the economic wherewithall to just get up and leave right now. If that is your choice, that is fine, we are all exactly where we need to be. But until that happens, you have to exercise self-control.
1) Don't argue.
2) Leave the house if you have to.
3) Don't argue.
4) Don't confront the daughter.
Support your woman in positivity, but not negativity. If you cannot do so without fighting, state your piece and leave it alone. Don't argue.
You are in my thoughts. Because you did not ask for energy or prayers, I will send none, but I do wish you the highest potential in your situation and that you all come out of this in full understanding of the shared lessons you have all learned.
Snowbird
21st September 2011, 21:09
Ernie, though the pain may be acute, this may possibly have happened to all concerned for a very positive, or several positive reasons. A stepping stone that helps to clarify and identify the choice of paths that are before us. As I have not yet read your prior posting, it appears as though this relationship was prearranged to allow these choices to be made by each. And perhaps, just perhaps, this gift is being offered to you by her. It is possible that this prearrangement is for you.
Decades ago when I was young and without any direction in mind, I met and became engaged to a young man I barely knew. I had no advanced warning that he was in need of psychological help. On the night that we became engaged, he attempted to strangle me simply out of the blue. This was a huge flag that something was horribly amiss and I knew that there was nothing that I could do to help him except to leave him. I was able to walk away from him and to this day, I have not regretted this decision. I have never been angry because I knew that something was not right. But I also knew that the help that he needed could not come from me. Even to this day, I send him positive thoughts and hope that he is happy and doing well. He was a gorgeous guy. What a loss. :nod:
As I look back, I see the mammoth gift that he gave to me that night. It was on that night that I learned unconditional love from the face of personal pain.
enrique
21st September 2011, 21:09
ernie,
There's a lot of excellent, well intentioned, love and advice... at this moment...
Take it in, it will make you stronger.. at the end of the day, only you will be able to make the changes needed...
Find the feelings hidden in the thoughts.. embrace them and move past them. I find that feelings can easily be expressed with just one word.. love, hate, fear, anger, joy.... thoughts are twisted and tangled in many words and can't always be trusted....
trust your feelings, you are a good soul...
Nanoo Nanoo
21st September 2011, 21:16
Ernie , if i rescue you ? who will rescue me ? You ? then who will rescue you ? Me ? ...
sometimes healing means we have to let go.
Holding on is an attachment to an old paradigm that needs to evolve ... she cant evolve with you and neither can you with her..
its time to let it all go :) if you have the courage ...
N
N
Ilie Pandia
21st September 2011, 21:24
Hello Ernie,
You are brave man to write a post like that!
With regards to your question I agree with chiquetet's post (http://projectavalon.net/forum4/showthread.php?30915-Is-My-Mission-Over&p=314193&viewfull=1#post314193).
To that I would add: if you know yourself to be an immortal being having a human experience, recognize the same in your friend! And I think that, in that broader perspective, there is no right, or wrong, and there are no mistakes to be made, only different journeys.
Nairnia
21st September 2011, 21:26
I say get out now. You have a superman complex. Also a martyr complex. I speak so bluntly because I have been almost exactly where you are.
Yep, been there too! Excellent advice. I would add this: Ernie, you obviously have a great heart and have lots to give humanity if you choose so. But if you sacrafice yourself to this one soul who has freely chosen her path of destruction, what use will you be to the many you can touch and help in life?
Maybe the universe wants you to let go......
ulli
21st September 2011, 21:28
Ernie you are a Pisces.
I have known many- my brother, my first husband, sister-in-law, brother-in-law,
the last three all born March 16th, different years.
And it's nearly always the same story. All are mushy sentimentals who go so deep into the mushiness
until the LONG to be tied up or even jailed, just to get into an orderly routine.
One thing, if you leave her now I predict you will find yourself in no time in the same situation again.
I say stay- not because she sucked you in, or because you want to sacrifice yourself, and feel good about being Mr. Nice Guy,
but because the opportunity you will now have from here on to put order into your life and each situation that spells potential chaos.
Pisces are born with the understanding of universal oneness,
and during their sojourn on earth will have plenty of opportunity to teach that principle to others,
but for themselves they need to learn from Virgos,
their opposite sign, how to categorize, how to put everything into it's proper place,
and how to run a tidy and orderly household.
The daughter will be given a set of rules and you will make her pay you back the money she stole from you.
Each single person in your household has to have their boundaries staked out.
Rules have to be made and adhered to with firmness.
First of all she has to drop all the charges against you, and never again call the police,
as equally, you will never again lay a hand on her.
You are both equally guilty for not managing your emotions.
This relationship is not about love, you have enough of that already,
all that love talk is nothing but sentimentality.
Now, if someone who is normally cool and reserved mentions love, I would listen.
But never in the case of a Pisces...there is just too much mushiness to begin with.
Each sign needs to study and copy it's opposite sign,
then they will find their divine power, as the balance is restored.
In your case this would be Virgo.
(Where is Carmody when I need him??)
I_Am
21st September 2011, 21:35
Quote from Richard Bach's "Illusions":
Here is a test to find out wether your mission on earth is finished or not;
If you're still alive, it isn't.
Nanoo Nanoo
21st September 2011, 21:43
in all the times i have been in this exact situation and much worse , when i finally let go .. everything started to fall into place. Sometimes people need a seriously shattering event to snap themselves out of their pity party. Disfunctional people are usually addicted to self pity. This is the very thing that perpetuates the problem. and getting off face with all sorts of drugs just brings back all the un resolved memories and makes the person weak again. The daughter is not ready to evolve .. the mother is on the wall... the daughter is dragging her mother back down with her so she dosent feel alone ..
and in the mean time , you , the safety raft , gets punctured with heel marks ... man .. in the words of the Knights who say Ni ! .. RUN AWAYYYY ! sorry for the humour attempt..
But honestly you will have a better chance of directing a cure for your loved one if you are not in the thick of battle. Let them skin their knees on lifes journey .. be in the distance and recover yoru self , then com e back when they settle the dust .. More times than not these people respove things in time .. it takes time ..
N
Fred Steeves
21st September 2011, 21:56
Hey Ernie, there's some great people here huh my friend?
sshenry
21st September 2011, 22:07
Dear Ernie, so much wisdom here, so much good advice. I wish that there was something deep and profound that I could add, but know this, if you trust to your innermost voice you will find the answers that you are looking for. You already KNOW what it is that you need to do, you understand that you have to let her go in order for her to find out that she has the ability to save herself. Have courage friend, you have done everything within your power, now it is time for her to take charge of her own destiny :)
Ineffable Hitchhiker
21st September 2011, 22:17
Ernie, I have replied to you in Starsha´s group.
Quote from Richard Bach's "Illusions":
Here is a test to find out wether your mission on earth is finished or not;
If you're still alive, it isn't.
Oh I loved that! :biggrin1:
Thank you.
As I look back, I see the mammoth gift that he gave to me that night. It was on that night that I learned unconditional love from the face of personal pain.
Sorry to read this, Snowbird but I tend to agree with you.
I do believe each person we meet has come along to teach us a valuable "life lesson". In whatever form it appears.
Sierra
21st September 2011, 22:17
Ernie,
:hug: :kiss:
Your girl wants her cake and eat it too. That is a broken agreement. Your girl's 25 year old daughter lives with you uninvited and for three years, and that is a broken agreement. Your girl wants to do crack with her daughter, and that is a broken agreement. You are hiding in the bedroom of your house afraid of consequences should you step out of your room, that is a broken agreement. You never agreed to any of the above, Ernie. You never agreed to live this way.
You can't make people grow. You can only grow yourself.
Taking the rent money and spending it on drugs, calling the cops, hitting people ... really extreme behavior Ernie. You don't need this. It is not good to let grown ups suck off of you. No point. Totally lose-lose.
If were you to get your own place and refuse to be used, what do you think your girl would do? Would your girl would move onto another victim, rather than grow up... or would she get a job, kick her sucky daughter out to become an adult, become an adult herself able to contribute equally to a relationship? What potentials do you see, that make it worth your while to destroy your spiritual development (which Mother Earth desperately needs), and get yourself jailed?
Follow your heart. If your heart is no longer there ... then it is time to move on. Grieve. Move on.
If you get your own place, you can make a space where you and your girl can work on either good byes or healing. Hopefully, you will have learned to keep your space inviolate and will no longer ever have to live with the daughter again. It might be kind of nice for you to have a space where if violence is in potential, you can clear your own home. And yourself. and STOP the violence.
This would be a win-win. This is not abandonment Ernie. This is survival of your spirit. You cannot work on the relationship under these conditions. It takes two to tango. Your girl is not dancing, she is using you. LOTS of people have thoroughly rotten childhoods and do not use them as an excuse to suck off others. LOTS of people use their past as a driving force to get clear and get wisdom.
Good luck Ernie working through this totally confusing drama ... we're rooting for you. I am amazed how clear you are right now, in the midst of it. Good job Ernie, good job!
Sierra
seko
21st September 2011, 22:42
Ernie do what your gut tells you.
Letting it go might help better than staying.
We have to be responsible of ourselfs, let her grow on her own. Let her and her daughter grow.
Work hard, but know when it's time to step aside.
Most of our friends here, have said what I think.
Ernie Nemeth
21st September 2011, 22:47
Fred:
Hey Ernie, there's some great people here huh my friend?
Yes Fred, the people here are amazing, truly exceptional!
Thank you all for your comments, suggestions, love, concern. I cannot reply to everything, and I do not think it is necessary (hope I'm right). But know that I have taken it all in and will seriously dwell on it. Remember one thing, please. It was suggested that I post here - and I was mortified at the idea (how embarrassing). So please don't think I would do this simply for sympathy, or to make it seem like I am a martyr or some sort of reincarnation of Jesus Christ or something. I am completely humbled when I already have learned so much about my superiority complex (obviously not enough yet). For now I would like to respond to one person in particular...
Ulie:
One thing, if you leave her now I predict you will find yourself in no time in the same situation again.
I say stay- not because she sucked you in, or because you want to sacrifice yourself, and feel good about being Mr. Nice Guy,
but because the opportunity you will now have from here on to put order into your life and each situation that spells potential chaos.
Pisces are born with the understanding of universal oneness,
and during their sojourn on earth will have plenty of opportunity to teach that principle to others,
but for themselves they need to learn from Virgos,
their opposite sign, how to categorize, how to put everything into it's proper place,
and how to run a tidy and orderly household.
The daughter will be given a set of rules and you will make her pay you back the money she stole from you.
Each single person in your household has to have their boundaries staked out.
Rules have to be made and adhered to with firmness.
First of all she has to drop all the charges against you, and never again call the police,
as equally, you will never again lay a hand on her.
You are both equally guilty for not managing your emotions.
This relationship is not about love, you have enough of that already,
all that love talk is nothing but sentimentality.
Everything you say is spot on and although it is a hard pill to swallow, I know my limitations. I have worked on them long and hard (obviously not hard enough).
So, since you do not like mushiness, I will not say I love you for your observations but only say I respect your clarity (couldn't think of the right word, not like me at all, lol) (succinctness?) (honesty?).
And I'd like to make a request of you, as I've always ached to do. Could you give me a reading? Please?
February 23, 1958 - if you're willing.
Would deeply appreciate it.
Thank you all for your concern. I only hope I can find a way to repay you all in some fashion.
Maybe just my gratitude will have to do.
Peace
Carmen
21st September 2011, 22:51
Ernie, you are one gutsy fellow sharing your story with us!! My heart goes out to you.
In a way your lady is gone. Gone from your heart. Only your word, your integrity, keeps you there. She is not helped by you propping her up now! You just keep her on the 'give me, give me' victim cycle!! Your need to rescue has been laudable, but you have to decide if its worth you going down too!
My awakening was rather sudden as my daughter's death at eleven was the catalyst. That was a long time ago. I am not telling you this to gain any sympathy. But the reason I mention my tragety is that I had to make a decsision also. Was I going to go down and stay down in grief, or was I going to Live and Learn from this experience. I chose the latter. In that, I felt as though I honoured my daughters memory by becoming a better human being than what I was.
I know that your case is quite different. Your lady lives on, but if you decide to part from her, you too will go through a grief period. Also a guilt by what you have written. My advice to you is to go and Live and Learn from this experience, not go down with her.
Love to you
Carmen
Pete
21st September 2011, 22:59
forgive and release yourself, decide how you want your future to be and live it
ulli
21st September 2011, 23:10
Ernie!!...well, you asked for it!! So you really are a sucker for punishment, aren't you?
Sun in Pisces, -mushy-, said that already... Moon in Aries -idealistic and hot headed- needs to learn to control his anger... Jupiter/Neptune conjunction in Scorpio --channels spirits, good ones, as well as bad ones---, square Venus...has women all wrong, hence suffers deceits, puts them far too high on pedestals. Mars in Capricorn, ambitious and moralistic...hard to integrate that with the mushy Pisces sun.
Pluto opposite sun and Mercury, --manipulator, but also allows himself to be manipulated, more anger issues --needs to read up on Scorpio.
Venus opposite Uranus loves foums and makes friendships at a drop of a hat. (same as me)
Current transits: not the end of the world. Mars opposite Venus square Jupiter Neptune conjunction:
his own addiction issues are surfacing.
Otherwise I see no major changes in your life, unless you take my advice and become a Buddhist monk.
But then again, I don't have the birthtime nor place which makes the picture somewhat blurry.
Anyway, you'll be alright...everything that has happened to you is totally confirming your chart.
If you cool your life down you will probably die of boredom unless you think that Avalon is enough for you.
Have you looked into where you would go if you were to leave her?
Lord Sidious
21st September 2011, 23:24
Well, Ernie, I am not expert in this area, having been in this situation too.
Let me put some things up for you to consider, first off, love is THE most powerful force in the universe.
Secondly, love can end up with us doing things that aren't good or honourable, look how Anakin became Darth Vader, out of fear of losing the one he loved.
I think there is a lesson here that you aren't learning, or you know and don't want to learn it.
She is your teacher, but I don't know what the lesson is, though you do.
Learn the lesson and move on.
You are outnumbered now as well, with her and the daughter, so you can't ''win'' whatever that would entail.
Best wishes and good luck to you Ernie, whatever you decide to do and wherever you go.
In the meantime I am invoking the goddess for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BkeKNEi-AQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFK9W4iK5KE
Guest
22nd September 2011, 00:16
Hi Ernie,
I truly support you in going within and asking your high-self for some answers. This might provide some movement for you. Also, what are you resisting? Follow the resistance. What do you find? Where will it lead you? I support you in loving yourself. Thank you for the thread.
Nora,
we are all related
Heyoka_11
22nd September 2011, 00:46
Hi Ernie,
Your mission is not over, not by a long shot.
Well done for finding the immense courage necessary to take this step. We did not wish to see you go through this alone.
I think that you possess, among others, the "Knight in Shining Armour" archetype, but without going deeply into Jungian psychology (where Heyoka would undoubtably trip himself up anyway), you wish to save other people from whatever plight they may find themselves in. Whilst being a thoroughly admireable cause, it rarely provides the foundation for a stable relationship.
Ernie, does this sound like you?
I possess this architype in bucket loads; I guess that's why I'm here to begin with. But when I think back to when I allowed it to influence my choice of a candidates for a relationship, man, did I wind up in some pretty crazy situations, and it was always me that ended up with the broken heart. It just doesn't work! In fact, this architype is so deeply entrenched within me, that I had to admit to myself that I am among the world's worst when it comes time to choose a partner, so I gave up. I just put it out to the universe, that if there was somebody out there for me, that we would have to be brought together. Still waiting! But that's Ok.
So why do we do it? I think that it is because we are still on the road toward learning how to love ourselves, which, if we did, we would choose a partner who had their lives in order, and therefore would be far less likely to enter into a relationship for what they could take out of it. Instead, we set ourselves up for a fall, by choosing a partner who needs help, which we wish to provide, but once provided, we can be taken for granted. Self-esteem is not a dirty phrase Ernie, and once you are truly in possession of a healthy respect for yourself, something which I feel you may be currently in short supply of, your life will take on new dimensions, and your choices will be based on what is right for you. As I mentioned in the workgroup, that may sound selfish, but it is not. It is the solid foundation on which your life should be built. Anyone who who tells you otherwise is not in possession of the Truth.
Please stay in touch, either via the workgroup, PM or this thread. Let us all know how you are feeling, and keep us up to date with what is happening.
Best Wishes Brother,
Tony.
42
22nd September 2011, 01:09
Ernie
As you know, i was in an almost identical situation for 20 years. Today I am the single Father of two beautiful children who were the main reason i overcame my own contemplation of suicide. (and to prove it i am the 40th contributor to the Avalon round table pledge) I have only one thing to say: you are a beautiful man with a beautiful soul, living as a spirit in the material world. I know this because i have looked in your eyes. My own spiritual and emotional rehab started the day i accepted that I was better off out of a dysfunctional situation. My kids and i are fine now. All you need is the courage to move past the constraints of your present situation. I am almost 60 years old with two young kids who i love from the bottom of my heart. I have some love left over for you and offer you my support in any way possible.
Call me.
David
mosquito
22nd September 2011, 01:15
Ernie - first of all you are one hell of a brave man for telliing us all that, I admire you, and my heart goes out to you.
I totally concur with Sierra, I don't normally like giving advice in situations like this, but advice is what you asked for, so LEAVE !
However, the second piece of advice would be not to listen to what anyone else says, but to make your own decision.
Believe me, I've worn the "rescue" T-shirt far too often for my own good, so I fully understand your dilemma, BUT .....
Abandoning yourself is a far worse thing to do than abandoning someone who's abused your love and kindness with reckless abandon.
Morgaine
22nd September 2011, 01:18
Ernie, what a touching and incredibly painful story you have shared with us. Thank you for being so brave as to do so. The simple facts are, you cannot save another person unless they give you permission to do so, unless they genuinely WANT it..Otherwise, all you are doing in inflicting pain upon yourself ultimately.
You must look within and decide how much more you can take, is this really you helping her?, is she even aware of your needs?, what can you possibly get from this situation if you stay?. Telling her you have had enough is not abandoning her, it is helping her to help herself. Have you considered that maybe this is the very thing that may need to happen in order to motivate her to save herself? We must ask ourselves why we feel it is our duty to "save" another person from themselves..Why do I want to "save" this person even if it comes at the cost of my own freedom, spiritual growth and happiness?
It is so clear that you have a heart of gold and a genuine love for this person. I respect you so much for that, but claim yourself here Ernie. Claim back the respect and the love and the opportunities that were yours, and have been all along, that you have forsaken for another who seemingly consistently devalues your devotion and guidance.
You said when you met her you were at your most Powerful. Do you still feel that you have that Power? If not, then it is time to claim it back Ernie.
With love and sincerity..
Morgaine.
Ernie Nemeth
22nd September 2011, 01:28
Jeepers,
So good to have such beautiful people from around the world - all looking my way!
Such a miracle! This is how we will win the day, my friends!
There is absolutely no force that can compare, can even come close.
I take heart, as should we all, from this display and others like it.
We are an immovable force, that will sweep everyone into its loving arms of acceptance.
Yes even the Powers That Think They Were.
Thanks so much!
In utter gratitude,
Peace
latina
22nd September 2011, 01:28
Dear Ernie: You are really brave!! I'm a hipnotherapist (Dolors Cannon method and others) in my office regularly come people with situations like yours. Difficult relationships. You are right; a promise it's a promise, but never to the cost of your sanity or your life. Promises are contracts between two souls, but, you know you can break a contract, because in the end you never know conciously who is really breaking the promise, maybe it's her! Maybe she promised to you that this time (in this life) she was going to overcome her adiction. You can help her keeping your distance and giving support, love, companionship without living together. And I guess she made you a promise to quit drugs, so she broke the promise first. And your promise was to her, not to her and her daugther! And maybe in this story the lesson in it it's for you! For you to learn to stand up for yourself and not letting anyone to disrupt your life in that way! Maybe the lesson in this it's to get away from toxic relationships and save yourself. Believe me, six months or a year from now you will very glad you did it. You never rescue anybody if you are drawning too! Please, don't feel guilty, she has made conscious decisions about her life and she needs to learn her lesson too, you don't have to pay for others behaviors. If you want to know if its right to leave her see enrique's advice. I agree with enrique, your feelings are your thermomether. Unconditional love it's when you love somebody who needs your help because life has treated the person in a harsh way, let's say with an illness but doesn't apply when the other person it's making her life harder because of her actions. If she chooses the behavior she has to accept the consecuences (Dr. Phil).
You cannot help someone who doesn't want your help and she is not commited to the relationship and your sacrifice. Get out as soon as you can and never look back. God bless you and give you strenght!
Orph
22nd September 2011, 01:37
Jeepers,
So good to have such beautiful people from around the world - all looking my way!
There is absolutely no force that can compare, can even come close.
I take heart, as should we all, from this display and others like it.
We are an immovable force, that will sweep everyone into its loving arms of acceptance.
This thread, and all it's replies is also helping me in my situation too. I suspect there are many others as well who are in a similar type of situation. So I thank you Ernie, and all who have replied. As for the quote above, ...................... YEAH BABY!! :roll:
TraineeHuman
22nd September 2011, 01:40
Ernie, I am also a Pisces (with some strong Neptunian aspects), and in my own life one of the toughest lessons was simply learning that there really are situations where it's best to deliberately (and while staying fully centered) be, or, rather, act as, a bit of a bastard towards somebody who is in fact a bastard. (And with drugs, the bastard isn't really that person but it's a disease that has taken over control of that person.) I used to have a spiritual/psychological teacher and therapist for a number of years who kept pressing this point for years before I really got it. Also, to learn to always take care of myself instead of sometimes getting absorbed in taking care of everybody else.
Be a bit of a bastard. It's a big lesson. But may I suggest that from an unbiased point of view your lover has been creating gigantic scars on your soul, that ultimately have been dragging you down emotionally and spiritually? This may not be the least bit of obvious to you today, but I bet it is to other people around you. It's all very well to talk of what a precious thing true love between two people is. But what about its dark side? That is something that causes damage. The more powerful the attachment, the greater the damage it starts to cause to you once things don't work out.
sygh
22nd September 2011, 01:50
The use of drugs and alcohol twists the mind(s) of the user(s). Frustration grows. Frustration enables abuse. You are around those who are affected by it. You deal with the problem every day, even though you don't partake. And the circle turns. Get professional help.
If you cannot afford that, go to AA, or NA. They will help you sort this out.
motherlove
22nd September 2011, 02:42
What do you see in the other that needs healing in yourself. It is not unconditional love to enable the unconscious parts of ourselves. I think we confuse love with dependency that turns to dispondency then contempt. Learn to love yourself dear one that is unconditional love. Best Wishes.
Sidney
22nd September 2011, 03:49
Hi Ernie, First of all, I am so sorry for your pain, my heart goes out to you. I can't tell you whether or not to leave her, but I can say that when I chose to divorce my daughters father, I had alot of guilt, and had invested many years on the relationship, and I had said vows, " til death" yada yada.
The thing is, I WAS dead. My spirit was dead, I didn't know who or where the real me was anymore. It really was a life or death situation. I value my spirit, my soul, and my soul was badly broken.
Your situation is broken, and I strongly suggest at the very least, to separate. Perhaps you are not ready to cut the ties for good, but if your heart is not in it, then where is your heart? It is in you. You need to distance yourself, and nurture your heart back to its glory. You are where you are suppose to be at this exact minute, and whatever path you choose to take will be correct. You already know deep inside what the answer is. And whatever it is, we will all be here to support you. :grouphug:
Ernie Nemeth
22nd September 2011, 04:12
This will be my last post this evening, thanks everyone for your input, I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Sierra:
Your girl wants her cake and eat it too. That is a broken agreement. Your girl's 25 year old daughter lives with you uninvited and for three years, and that is a broken agreement. Your girl wants to do crack with her daughter, and that is a broken agreement. You are hiding in the bedroom of your house afraid of consequences should you step out of your room, that is a broken agreement. You never agreed to any of the above, Ernie. You never agreed to live this way.
You can't make people grow. You can only grow yourself.
I was looking over your post and thought I'd comment. There has been a dynamic at play here that I was unaware of until just a few minutes ago. Ulli did my girl's chart for me (thanks Ulli!) and it turns out I had a "karmic debt" to pay. I've always wondered about this strange attraction that seemed to go way beyond love. I remember "waking up" from this mesmerizing relationship a few months back and wondering, "What the hell happened these last seven years?" Really, it was like waking from a dream. I was in shock. I could not understand why I had allowed myself to be so utterly used. I'm no pushover. Sure, when I'm abused or feel disrespected I do not "go to war" like some (or most) but I certainly don't stick around for more! I walk away! I'm a pisces, we just swim a bit downstream where the scenery is new and no one knows us and we can start again. Well, I'm not sure if all pisces are like that, that would be too simple, but I certainly do that. Many, many times. I rarely swim upstream, but I'm thinking that may be an option this time around.
For me swimming upstream is a new idea. To me, it means standing in my own power, taking back what is mine, and asserting my rights! I've only learned to do that in a few areas, like as an expert electrician - no one can denegrate me in that field, as many have learned the hard way. There I do not back down. I know whats what and if you do not agree then we got a big problem!
Anyways, that's it for today, I'm exhausted.
P.S. I feel closer to all of you than ever before, thanks so much!
Peace out, brothers and sisters.
ViralSpiral
22nd September 2011, 07:34
I only hope I can find a way to repay you all in some fashion.
Peace
Absolutely not necessary. By engaging, I learn.
If anything I mumble on about helps just one person.....
Others' ramblings have highlighted by own shortcomings, which is a gift! Nothing is wasted.
I recognise the strategies of my own ego and how it has played out in relationships.
Good luck Ernie. You will know what to do
sandy
22nd September 2011, 08:00
Dear Ernie,
Just a quick thought Ernie. You mention that abandonment issues is a real sticking point. May I ask why you abandon yourself for another?? Maybe the lesson is learning to love you with the same devotion, compassion and love you so readily give others and to stop abandoning yourself.
This is the lesson I'm presently learning and it is a tough one when for 60 years I tried to rescue everyone else but me and may I say often at the expense of myself. I hated being the victim and or martyr thus would suffer in silence until time healed some wounds and then would repeat the same pattern again. I hit a very tough place in my life 3 years ago and knew if I didn't take care of me first I would not recover one more time. So for me it was do or die and by that I mean I had to get honest and stop looking for love everywhere but within or I knew my soul would perish.
Please take care of you as you are so right when you say you have to heal first in order to be able to emit that healing energy where ever you journey in life. May you not abandon yourself one day longer Dear Brother>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>much love and strength to you :)
New Dawn
22nd September 2011, 08:34
I think you've answered it by saying "my heart is no longer in it". It is easier said than done to change these situations or get out of them, but I know for a fact that you can't help people that don't want to help themselves, and it seems to me that you're giving away your power by showing her that she can do what she wants and that you'll always go back. I think you're actually making things worse because she can always rely on you no matter what she does.
Life is too short, so I'd say either give her some notice that you're leaving for good, or if you don't want to do that, tell her she's on a last chance then after that, the help you are offering her expires.
I'm sorry to say that the chances are she won't change any time soon, and why should you suffer for it? You say the system has failed her, but she's failing you in my opinion. Who have you failed? no-one by the sounds of it, so get out of there.
Just my opinion, hope it helps.
ND
Tarka the Duck
22nd September 2011, 08:43
Hello Ernie
I hesitate to write this, as both my stories pale to insignificance when I read what you are going through - but I offer them anyway. Apologies for their trivial nature...
First story-
When I met my mate, 32 years ago, I was a smoker (I still can't believe I ever did such a thing!). He refused to kiss me until I stopped. I stopped that very day.
2nd story-
There came a point in our relationship with my stepdaughter, where she had made very clear choices in her life - she had turned away from everything we held as important and was heading out on her own journey. Nothing drastically damaging - just in a very different direction from ours. After many years of low level niggles and conflicts, when she turned round to Tony and said, "Why can't you be like a normal dad?", we saw that it was time to cut the ties for a while (this was 5 years ago, and although we send presens etc for the grandchildren, we haven't seen her in that time). We have told her we will be here for her, should she need us. What will happen in the future, I don't know, but for now, it was right to relieve the pressure she was feeling from being pulled in 2 directions. She had to be free to follow her way, unfettered by the trailing tendrils of duty attached to us.
I'm sorry that neither of these experiences really relates closely to yours, but I suppose what am saying is - as many others on this thread have said - you can't rescue someone who is drowning if you can't swim.
Much love
Kathie
Tony
22nd September 2011, 10:10
Dear Ernie,
I feel for you, nothing is fixed or permanent. Everyone's opinion is sort of right, but partial. To stay or go, is up to you, only you. Karma brought you together, karma can end it. Something needs to happen to give space to the situation, it may even happen by itself.
When talking of karma remember there is also good karma! The whole picture is huge. We may have unconditional love, but others can only take so much. We all rub shoulder for a while.
All the best
Tony
Robert J. Niewiadomski
22nd September 2011, 11:20
Ernie, if you decide to stay some more for a while with your girlfriend (and her daughter) try to hide less in your bedroom. Tell them they are right if they want to angage you in fight. Roam your apartment. Maybe do some clean up more often ;) Do something weird and funny. Like for example rent/buy a bear costume and have some beer on the couch ;) Try to behave like it is something serious and normal. You could try to have 3 bear costumes. May be they would join your stunt ;) Have some fun in your house. Cook something. Bake a cake. Change curtains. Plant some flowers... Change anything in your apartment... Change your daily routine... If you play an instrument - play often... Sing often... Learn some new songs... Be creator of your reality... If they laugh you out don't bother... Be strong. Believe in your power. Nobody can take it from you but you...
Maybe they join you... Maybe they run away in panic...
But you will have no time to dwell on your pain.
This is to lighten you up. Don't give up. You will make it.
jHPOzQzk9Qo
Someoneson1
22nd September 2011, 12:00
I used to be emerssed in the Galahad syndrome myself. However once I read the chapter on special relationships in the free online book at http://courseinmiracles.com/urtext/chapter_15/section_6.htm I realized the error of my ways. Now the special relationship is with the inner guide or universal teacher or holy spirit or kundalini rising etc... And I'm the one in focus by the spirit to receive unconditional love. And in turn I can practice saying no and not feel guilty or say yes out of guilt.
Hope this is useful
Anchor
22nd September 2011, 12:44
Ernie,
That OP has to be up near the top demonstrations of courage, and integrity on a forum I have ever witnessed.
You have had such wonderful advice on some of the many paths open to you in the moments ahead.
Man, you are a total freaking hero. That's not an ego massage either. You probably won't agree with me as you read those words; but that's OK for now :)
I feel certain that pretty much everyone of the big-ticket scenarios that you have done together and "to" each-other, and everything she and the daughter have done "to" you have been part of your pre-incarnational agreements.
Most of the time I like to see life lived as some kind of a beautiful dance, but obviously there are moments of discord and frenzied passions to challenge the harmony we all ultimately seek. Your path is acute. You have elected some serious challenges!
You may feel like you have made some errors, but we are no judge of that - you are - and you may be right and you may be wrong, and you may not really work through all that just yet.
What is a fact, is that errors are great if we learn from them.
I sense a tipping point has now been reached - and I am convinced that whatever you choose, from the heart, will be correct.
I know that you made a vow. You will honor and live with that vow to the end of your days, but you may well find that the way in which that works out materially is not what you had originally expected. You may find that you will honor it in the long term, by seemingly breaking it in the short term.
If you will accept it, a massive energy laden man-hug is passing its way through the ethers to you as you next read this.
You have lit the path of others, and so shall you find yours lit.
John..
[update]
>Is my mission over?
No, mate... it just started! You'll know what I mean in a little while.
Fred Steeves
22nd September 2011, 13:22
What is a fact, is that errors are great if we learn from them.
I sense a tipping point has now been reached - and I am convinced that whatever you choose, from the heart, will be correct.
You've got that right John, my massive and numerous blunders in life have proven to be a most excellent teacher. They seem to always lead to that tipping point you refer to, which tends to force extremely important decisions to be made on the way forward. Funny how that works...
Cheers,
Fred
Mad Hatter
22nd September 2011, 13:39
Mad Hatter dons his less than serious cap...
Ernie you can't complete your mission unless you have all your marbles and since a magnificent specimen of yours just rolled under my feet I'm hanging onto it for safe keeping until your past all this...:p
Chin up mate this too shall pass.
TraineeHuman
22nd September 2011, 14:47
Ernie, a number of people have been eager to say “make it all into something positive”. My comment would be that that’s fine and indeed it's great, except that you first have to release all the pain and hurt and frustration that you’re carrying at present. I trust you’ve seen Inelia’s ever so wonderful description of how to “welcome” or “process” fear or whatever other negative emotion a person may be carrying. (If not, you’ll certainly find that at www.inelia.com.) I can't recommend that highly enough.
It’s all very well to say “live in the Now”, and therefore don’t be a victim of any past pain. But the reality is that right now you are in fact carrying that pain, and not to let yourself feel it and release it is to just repress it. If you do the latter, it will damage and dull your life even for years to come, or as long as you don’t completely work through it. I don’t doubt it could take some time to heal yourself of it, rather like the way people often need a long mourning period to get over the hurt of suddenly losing somebody close to them.
toothpick
22nd September 2011, 17:39
Sorry, for your troubles Ernie.
Stand tall, brother.
toothpick
Ernie Nemeth
22nd September 2011, 18:09
Oh boy,
The universe is one heck of a teacher once you get out of the way!
I have so much to be thankful for and you folks are right up there at the top of the list.
Thanks to you three for suggesting this thread (Heyoka, Starsha, Fred) and the rest of the group at Shadow work:
http://projectavalon.net/forum4/group.php?groupid=59
Thanks to every poster here. And everyone who has read this. Thanks to Bill for Avalon and all its members, past and present.
I want to respond to many of you and if you will indulge me, I will in the near future.
Right now I'm exhausted as I got virtually no sleep yesterday night and worked all morning.
And didn't the universe have a few surprises for me even there? You betcha! The man I worked for is a security gaurd downtown at - a friggin' drug rehab center, for heaven's sake. I'm not sure how it came up, but I've remembered to stay aware even in this intense state so caught a "sign" that I persued by sharing parts of my story. He also shared parts of his and we hit it off. Ended up going for an early lunch and he gave me some sage advice. So thanks Millian, for your help too.
For now I'll respond to Robert:
Ernie, if you decide to stay some more for a while with your girlfriend (and her daughter) try to hide less in your bedroom. Tell them they are right if they want to angage you in fight. Roam your apartment. Maybe do some clean up more often Do something weird and funny. Like for example rent/buy a bear costume and have some beer on the couch Try to behave like it is something serious and normal. You could try to have 3 bear costumes. May be they would join your stunt Have some fun in your house. Cook something. Bake a cake. Change curtains. Plant some flowers... Change anything in your apartment... Change your daily routine... If you play an instrument - play often... Sing often... Learn some new songs... Be creator of your reality... If they laugh you out don't bother... Be strong. Believe in your power. Nobody can take it from you but you...
Maybe they join you... Maybe they run away in panic...
But you will have no time to dwell on your pain.
What a decidedly wonderful suggestion! I haven't played my accordian in years. I'm gonna take that squeezebox out - Momma's got a squeezebox, Daddy nevers sleeps at night! Well you know what I mean...
Yes, sir. Might even play some hacky-sack in the living room at 6 a.m. soon. hehehe
:playball:
Dawn
22nd September 2011, 18:36
Hi Earnie, Thank you so much for this deep share. I am 60, the age of wisdom, and my view reflects the number of years I've been in this body so far. I too had to learn this lesson. And it nearly killed me, literally.
What you have not yet seen here is that you have abandoned YOURSELF. When I realized this for myself a big 'AhHa' light went off. I realized that my inner child was so angry at me for not putting her first that I had created a schism in myself through all the selfless giving to another who I viewed as needing rescue. It took some intense work before my inner child was willing to forgive me and support me again in experiencing life as a delight.
When you rescue another, you are essentially supporting their weakness. How does this happen? Because you agree with them that they are weak and helpless. Then you both dive into this dream to prove it. Remember, she is a very powerful being (just like you are). In this case she is using her power to create the illusion that she is a weak victim. Stop seeing her as weak, just because her choices are different than yours. (does this sound harsh, let me tell you that I KNOW what I am talking about. I have played her game in spades! I have been raped several times, had long illnesses, been beaten, had severe accidents, etc, etc. I had to realize that I am not a victim... I just played one for a while. Perhaps I did it to resolve karma, or heal part of consciousness- Who cares why I did it.... I stopped by deciding I was done with the victim pattern and seeking professional help to heal myself on a deep level)
When I finally left my husband after a 38 year old marriage the health and strength he began displaying was breath taking. He is so much BETTER OFF, now that I am not living with him and 'helping him'. He has even called my to discuss how much he had projected onto me and to apologize for it. I have come to realize that by being his crutch, I crippled him.
I did TONS of work on myself over many years before I left. None of it really caused me to feel happy, because I was living with a chronically unhappy person, and therefore my home was bathed in these frequencies constantly. Every time I traveled for any reason I became so peaceful and happy, only to have the heaviness return when I came home. I finally realized I would never be OK unless I lived away from the imbalanced frequencies.
Now, this may sound like I am talking about me, however I know this is really telling you about what is possible for you.
Here's how the story went in my life. I finally left, yet I was so depleted physically and financially that I had only one small suitcase, my car, and a charge card to rely on. I traveled where I was invited for about 6 months. I was homeless, yet I always was offered nice places to live during that time. After 6 months I met a wonderful mate. This relationship is healthy. I am at peace all the time. And I am in joy most of the time. My love for myself is reflected back to me in this wonderful partner. He does not need to be saved!
Meanwhile, my former husband and I are friends. However, I really watch for the old pattern of feeling sorry for him or desiring to support him emotionally. As soon as I see this pattern emerging, (old habits die hard sometimes) I immediately go inside and work on myself.
So ... in summary.
Fall in love with yourself FIRST(!) You know this relationship is not healthy for you, so get OUT!
* Leave as soon as you possibly can
*Trust the unfolding process, no matter how it looks, allow a new life to birth
*Allow the old patterns to die totally. This is painful- it is like dying while you are still alive
*Have the faith and courage to realize that something new will arise out of the ashes
*Listen to fellow travelers like myself who have been in your shoes and managed to change
With deep love and respect for you
Dawn
Nanoo Nanoo
22nd September 2011, 21:50
Theres a lot of love in this room :) Avalonians , take a bow !
Hugs
N
N
WhiteFeather
22nd September 2011, 22:27
Hi Avalon!
I have an ongoing situation I wish to share.
The situation as it stands is too complicated to rehash here but I have been encouraged to post here and ask for help. I know when to surrender to the universe (sometimes), and this is one of those times. Heyoka_11, Fred and Starsha have suggested I do this. It is very hard for me...
I joined Starsha's Shadowwork Group hoping to help others - little did I know at the time it would be me needing the help. The details are in the bad day thread, mostly. I invite anyone interested to read it to catch up. Here I will only outline my "problem".
Where do I start, how do I keep it short? Is this even respecting the rights of those involved to anonymity? Am I crossing some imaginary line of fairplay? Last time, I shared this with my family (8 years ago) and they now have nothing to do with me or my "situation". It is a taboo subject now and so a lot of my feelings have been stuffed deep down inside my heart. I do not want to let my soul-mate down, as I promised her I never would, not ever. But there comes a time when promises must be broken, if the other party takes advantage of such a solemn vow, right? Right! But it really hurts, I feel like a heel (old saying).
When I came to my present girlfriend I was at the height of my power, well on the way to destinations unknown. On my 45th birthday I met her and she touched my heart in a way I've never been before. I fell in love immediately. Her story is a series of tragedies starting from a very early age. And when I met her, she was close to the end (I believe).
So I dropped my life as I knew it, left everything behind, and came to save her.
The next four years were a nightmare of ups and downs like nothing I had ever experienced before. It included violence, police, incarceration, courts and worst of all, breach of trust. Yet through it all , I stubbornly refused to give up on her, wanting to show her that there is a thing in this world called unconditional love (I was learning the meaning of that in spades).
I managed to help her beat one of her addictions, which was simply unacceptable to me and a condition of our continued relationship. I had to leave her then to show her I meant it. And after she got out of jail (three months) on an unrelated charge (ya, right, you need money for drugs right, shoplifting is one way to do that, right?) she came back to me, clean. And she has remained so for the past four years.
Three years ago her daughter moved in with us "just for a few months until I get back on my feet again", and has been with us ever since. I tried at first to extend my healing power to her as well but she was having none of that. So her presence has been an extremely disruptive influence on our relationship (with her mother).
A few weeks back daughter somehow convinced mom to fall off the wagon, again. So while I was asleep, they spent many hundreds on illicit narcotics. The story goes on, when I found out she had spent the rent money, I lost it. I hit her with open hand on shoulder, many times, saying, "Stupid, stupid woman!" - over and over. She called the police and I ran away. She charged me with assault again and now I'm a fugitive from the law.
And again I went back to her! But my heart is no longer in it. The only thing that keeps me there is my vow never to leave her. I love her but she just won't come around, maybe she can't - I don't know. And her daughter just keeps up the same behavoir, partying, stumbling in at all hours of the night, getting drunk at home and just generally being disruptive. For the most part I hide in my room to not cause waves.
But my personal growth is effectively limited by this negative aura around me. My space I keep clear as well as I can but it does creep in from time to time. I'm starting to wonder if the dark forces have some sort of concerted effort going on against me. And I keep telling myself that I am no one of importance so why would they bother? That don't seem to wash any more. I want to heal and this situation is not conducive to that endeavor.
Well, I've covered most of it, I guess.
I must also put in that, of course, it has not been all bad. I have learned a great deal about myself from this experience. And my woman has a gentle heart. She needs help, has needed it all her life but the "system" failed her repeatedly. She was even part of a semi-famous trial here in Toronto years back (20?) that netted the guilty party a whopping 2 years in jail for the atrocities he perpetrated.
What can I do? What should I do? Especially since my greatest sticking point is abandonment issues. Do I now abandon my girl? Is that the lesson.
I welcome all suggestions, comments, observations - healing?
And if you ever by chance run across this thread: Know I love you, I still do and always will. But I cannot heal another if I myself am not whole. May you find what you seek...
Your Mission Is Just Beginning My Friend. Learning The Many Life Lessons On 3D Earth. Hope This Helps.
WhiteFeather
22nd September 2011, 22:42
Hi Avalon!
I have an ongoing situation I wish to share.
I welcome all suggestions, comments, observations - healing?
And if you ever by chance run across this thread: Know I love you, I still do and always will. But I cannot heal another if I myself am not whole. May you find what you seek...
Your Mission Is Just Beginning My Friend. Learning The Many Life Lessons On 3D Earth. Hope This Helps. And Wouldn't you want to graduate Mother Earth with the highest degree as possible?
cloud9
23rd September 2011, 04:36
Hi Ernie,
I read your post and all comments with great interest as I'm learning a lot. You mentioned that there's some karma involved and as I understand you feel that the two of you are together because of this karma and ties from the past.
Just as Latina, I took Dolores Cannon class and she teaches something that I learned years ago: it doesn't matter if we made an agreement with another soul and perhaps we have been trying for a long time (it could be centuries) to make things work, when it comes a time where we realize it won't work, just take a stand and free yourself from your agreement through this exercise:
In a meditation or quiet time, once or many times if you feel is needed, think about the person and say: I forgive you, I release you and I let you go (if you are ready to let her go). Usually when there's an abusive relationship this has been going on for more than one lifetime but due to the special times we are living now, it's possible to heal difficult relationships this way.
Now, if you are not sure you could or should leave her, try to forgive her the best you can, change your energy and your thoughts, just the fact that you are able to forgive for all difficult moments and actions is going to change the whole interaction between all of you. Also, keep in mind that this applies to her daughter too, the three of you have been going on circles for a long time playing different roles but without resolving anything.
I would suggest you send them love and forgiveness the most your heart is able to but also, don't allow them to impose their needs or desires onto you. You really need to set rules and boundaries over the functioning of the household and I'm pretty sure later on they will be grateful that you did, they need some direction and structure as you are allowing all kind of behaviors that shouldn't be.
If after the change of energy in the house you still see or feel the need to leave, just do it. I'm partial to give people a second change but they have to know that it is their last opportunity to correct behaviors; it can be done with love and nicely or even the opposite way but they need to know a change is expected and if it doesn't come, there will be consequences, please be sure this is clear to them, perhaps so far there was no clarity about what is expected of everyone in this three part relationship. Be very clear.
I really hope you find the strength and clarity you need but I know from experience that sometimes with a problem that has been around for a long time, we tend to get "used" to the situation and it's hard to make changes, but boy, you will be happy you took action, you need to break the cycle somehow and change the energy in that relationship.
My last thought is that as somebody else said, promises have been broken already and perhaps the lesson here is to know when to give up, perhaps the lesson is to not allow abuse from others anymore, perhaps it is to.... it could be many things.
So, that is what I would do: change the energy in the relationship, practice forgiveness and set rules and boundaries, if it doesn't work, be willing to give up and free yourself.
My best wishes.
Cloud
Lord Sidious
23rd September 2011, 06:00
Hi Avalon!
I have an ongoing situation I wish to share.
I welcome all suggestions, comments, observations - healing?
And if you ever by chance run across this thread: Know I love you, I still do and always will. But I cannot heal another if I myself am not whole. May you find what you seek...
Your Mission Is Just Beginning My Friend. Learning The Many Life Lessons On 3D Earth. Hope This Helps. And Wouldn't you want to graduate Mother Earth with the highest degree as possible?
Unless some nugget wants to keep experiencing this, I hope so.
Mike
23rd September 2011, 06:12
mission accomplished.
it ain't gonna be easy, but i think you know what you have to do there, my friend.
Ernie Nemeth
24th September 2011, 06:29
Thanks Whitefeather - reflecting back my own post. Very, very sage advice. Right from the horse's mouth.
LS: Absolutely for sure, in this instance, I am a nugget of the highest order!
As the "shock" is wearing off a knot of fear is growing in the pit of my stomach. And I realize that I am TERRIFIED of/by this woman. She has used a campaign of "shock and awe" on me that makes the American War Machine look like an ice cream truck with its annoying music on too loud and too long. She has terrorized my life. And I am afraid to leave her in case she does something crazy. Once, when we had a nasty fight and I decided to leave, she got out a butcher knife and slashed her wrists right in front of me (not deep but can you imagine?!!) I left but I called 911 on the way and they convinced me to come back to give a statement. I thought now she'd get help but you cannot hold someone against their will, or so they told me. She was out in less than an hour, wrists bandaged. She wears the scars and I see them every day. You know?
SHE WON"T LET ME LEAVE. I now realize I've been a prisoner way before her daughter moved in. Oh my GOD! How has this happened? And why?
And I know why, don't I? I can't say it. Not here, not in public. Even I am not that brave. If this is melodrama, then I should star in Macbeth or something.
I am so embarrassed. But I've started down this road, I must finish it. Damn! (What will everyone think of me?)
I am ashamed...
Now I would ask for prayers. And I will pray too for guidance.
Let me learn this lesson and move on. I forgive myself and release this insane false belief for all time. I am worthy. I am worth it.
I am.
Fear is the mind killer. Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists.
Therein lies the peace of God.
(afraid to hit the post button)
Someoneson1
24th September 2011, 06:45
Wow nice .... Self proclamation leads to the realization that you choose your lesson or reality due to a greater need. Seeking fulfillment outside leads to great expectations. Great expectations outsid always leads to disillusionment which in turn leads to the feeling of lack. Lack is always the opposite of fulfillment. But fulfillment is never of the world. But in the realization that the world is not.
I hope this message is taken with the breeze it was given me. RandY
ViralSpiral
24th September 2011, 06:48
There is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Let your learning be your compass!
If people judge you, it says more about them than it does about you.
Best of luck Ernie
http://www.smiley-lol.com/smiley/bonjour/bise.gif
Heyoka_11
24th September 2011, 06:49
(afraid to hit the post button)
Too late mate..........you did!
This is fantastic news Ernie. The veil of illusion has lifted. Your eyes are now wide open.
This is the woman who just a couple of days ago you referred to as the love of your life. Oh how we can deceive ouselves!
Never mind being ashamed Ernie, as if we could, I reckon every contributor to this thread would be giving you a standing ovation right now, not ridicule.
Well done........you did it.
You have woken up!!
mosquito
24th September 2011, 07:01
There's nothing at all to be ashamed of Ernie, I believe you loved her for all you were worth and just because the veil is lifting from your eyes does not mean your love is devalued in any way whatsoever !
transiten
24th September 2011, 08:42
Ernie, i told pple in the Here and Now thread that i must take a break and i will because i'm experiencing post traumatic stress after having gone through similar experiences, and it's coupled to all the things discussed on these forums esp. on the spiritual note. I immediately felt that something was even worse than you described at first and i understand your feelings of shame. In co-dependency relationships we are also in them for some perverted "gain", "i'm the one who is going to save this person and make her/him better" and the control/manipulation is not only coming from the partner - you are both manipulating eachother. Co-dependency is also a kind of drug-abuse, the relationship is the destuctive drug and the shocks mixed with reconciliation is the abstinence and the new "fix". There are lots of literature on this topic.
A lot is already said in different posts. As most posters here i feel deeply that you both/all three shall get out of this toxic relationship and get proffessional help. And you have pointed at one of the most important imbalances here in 3D. We are living in a drug/co-depencecy, narcissistic culture. Now the sun is shining and i'm off to my allotment. Mother Nature is Calling.
Take care
transiten
Fred Steeves
24th September 2011, 11:50
She has terrorized my life. And I am afraid to leave her in case she does something crazy. Once, when we had a nasty fight and I decided to leave, she got out a butcher knife and slashed her wrists right in front of me (not deep but can you imagine?!!)
Ernie, this is one of the oldest and most insidious manipulations in the book, and I'm quite sure you know that my brother. If she were truly suicidal she would have already gouged her wrists. She's sucking you dry for all she's worth, it's entirely up to you if this is allowed to continue or not.
Sounds like your choice is now crystal clear, the road to freedom, or the road to self destruction. Time to choose...
Anchor
24th September 2011, 12:46
I now realize I've been a prisoner way before her daughter moved in. Oh my GOD! How has this happened? And why?
And I know why, don't I? I can't say it. Not here, not in public. Even I am not that brave. If this is melodrama, then I should star in Macbeth or something.
I am so embarrassed. But I've started down this road, I must finish it. Damn! (What will everyone think of me?)
I am ashamed...
Now I would ask for prayers. And I will pray too for guidance.
Let me learn this lesson and move on. I forgive myself and release this insane false belief for all time. I am worthy. I am worth it.
I am.
Fear is the mind killer. Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists.
Therein lies the peace of God.
Well that took less time than I expected.
Take care of yourself.
The paradigm is shifting.
You are undergoing a sort of trans-personal experience - you'll be all over the place for a while.
The last thing you need to worry about is what people think of you.
There will be many different thoughts about you :)
In respect of yourself, the judgement of others is merely advice and opinion and the only judgement that counts is your own.
You need to take some time to yourself on a frequent basis.
I don't know if you should or should not leave - you'll have to work this out, but you SHOULD take time on a regular basis for yourself.
Then when you have recovered from this shift, you can take the next step.
Look after yourself.
John..
Snowbird
24th September 2011, 21:10
Ernie, if you think for even one moment that you are the ONLY ONE on this Earth who has learned an embarrassing lessen in life while in the midst of the masses, you are mistaken my friend! I cannot count the number of times that I have made bad choices for me and wanted to hide my head in the sand, but had no choice but to make the right choice for me which caused others to snicker and shake their heads. This is part of why we are here on this Earth now. We are here to get on the correct personal spiritual path and stay on it.
It will be worth the snickers. :sarcastic: :yes4:
Dawn
25th September 2011, 01:21
As the "shock" is wearing off a knot of fear is growing in the pit of my stomach. And I realize that I am TERRIFIED of/by this woman.
OK... wonderful! You are seeing the pattern... now is the time to begin to unwind it. Even before you take action physically you can begin to unwind the pattern energetically. And, it will really help you if you continue to unwind it energetically even AFTER you have left physically.
After all I went through in my life, I finally decided to face my traumas head on. When I made this decision, the feeling of fear in my stomach was so strong that I even had dry heaves. Eventually I realized that the unconscious brain is the 'gut brain', which is in our abdomen and all of our organs. It actually (physically) has more neurons than the brain in our skull. It has been scientifically proven that this 'gut brain' makes all of our decisions (that is the nerve impulses for movements and decisions have been shown to originate in the 'gut brain'), afterwards the brain in the skull believes it makes the decisions. So... if your 'gut brain' feel strange that means true change is coming. Have you ever ridden on a roller coaster or another type of thrill ride? Just before you get on the ride your stomach feels excited... is it possible that what we usually think of as fear is actually excitement?
Anyway, here is how to do the necessary work to separate energetically from your woman. In all relationships, but especially sexual ones, energetic cords are created which allow us to have direct energetic exchanges with each other. Since true communication involves energetic exchange, these 'telephone lines' serve a wonderful purpose while we are in relationship. However, now that you have decided to have a different experience in life, you will want to disconnect the open lines of communication with her. There are 2 basic methods I have found helpful, in fact I use them often.
#1) Visualize the other person and say to yourself
'What is mine is mine.... and what is yours is yours'
It helps if your visualize a 'ball of string' inside each of you and begin to see the string unravel from the balls and return to the owner. This will allow you to begin to release patterns stuck inside you that actually belong to her. Since you had decided to 'heal her' for some period of time, you will find that you took on her imbalances in order to 'help' her. Until you have released these patterns, you will continue to 'feel her pain'
#2) Ho-Opono'-Opono'. This ancient Hawaiian method recognizes the need to balance energies in order to neutralize them. In this particular method you work with 3 statements/questions. Start with your eyes closed, imagine her in front of you, and focus on your heart as you use the statements/questions. You may need to cycle through these a number of times before you feel energy flowing out of your heart to her. Repeat the statements/questions over and over until you feel a sense of neutrality.
A) I love you, I love you, I love you.... pause and feel your heart with each statement
B) Thank you, Thank you, Thank you... again pause as with the 1st statement
C) I am sorry for the pain you feel I caused you (repeat 3x) .... pause in the same way
D) Please forgive me, Please forgive me, Please forgive me.... pausing in the same way
Finally you will want to ask her (as you visualize her in front of you), "Can you now support what is highest and best for me?"
I usually find that most people need to repeat the entire process many times before they get a 'YES' answer back from the last question. When you finally get a sense of "YES" to the last question it is time to stop for the moment.
When you again notice yourself thinking of her, and in emotional pain of any kind, you will need to repeat the entire process, however you will find it goes a lot quicker the 2nd time.
During the first days you will find that you must do this many times in order to remain separate from her (un-corded, that is). However each day the time between needing to clear the cords will lengthen. Within a week you will find that you only need to clear the cords once or twice daily. And eventually you will seldom need to do this, however it will benefit you greatly if you stay conscious of when you are thinking of her... this means you are energetically in touch with her again and must again clear cords to keep yourself 'clean'.
I used to be a full time healer and teacher, I have helped MANY people clear themselves, so I have lots of experience with how successful these methods are. I have also used them to clear myself.
It may help you to also visualize yourself cutting cords with a large knife, or cylinder shaped cheese grater which slips over your auric field, after each session. I personally find this helps me. Or... alternately you can go to a 'seer' to help you cut them. I have done this for many people, however they will not stay cut until the energies are balanced, and it will give you a sense of your own power if you do most of it yourself. Pay particular attention to your genital region, because with a sexual partner, men almost always are connected to the women's ovaries from here. With a healthy relationship there is an agreement for the man to share the immense life force a woman's body naturally has.. but with this particular partner, this is toxic for you.
Most people never get out of this pattern.... Congratulations! Great JOB!!!
Heyoka_11
25th September 2011, 01:37
Great JOB!!!
And great post AT!
Hey Ernie, cord cutting works, and is well worth the time invested. A fantastic suggestion!
BTW, I was in a relationship years ago where, at the first sign of impending trouble or discourse, my partner would roll up her sleeves and remind me of her scarred wrists. Same scenario, and a very powerful method of control indeed. I can understand the power that she had over you.
Once again, well done. :)
Sierra
25th September 2011, 02:14
Ernie,
Wow, I can't believe how FAST you are moving. :hug: :kiss:
She really plays hardball doesn't she? Slashing herself in front of you ... humph. What a poor sport in the game of life she is.
It might be a little sticky ... she is going to be a loser if you leave and she will fight dirty, I guarantee it. So, be wily and try to imagine all the ways she can do you in. Sorry, but be realistic here.
Save your pennies for action when you have achieved clarity. Organize a check list of future action items while you are grappling with the shock of seeing her as she is. Research what it will take and how long to close all joint credit cards and accounts if you have any. Get a separate bank account dear. Car insurance? Car ownership? Bills in whose name?
You cannot worry about her reactions to your actions. Disengage and observe. Wield that sword slashing down between the two of you. Do it every time she tries to drag you back in. Cut those cords so you can see more clearly. Just observe. That is the most important thing you can do right now.
I can see what you are seeing is shocking the hell out of you ... so you are on the right path. You really are. All you have to do right now, is watch. Just watch. Just witness. You will recognize micro events that mirror the macro events that are shocking your awareness right now. You will see your part too. Don't worry. You need to see that too. NO JUDGEMENT!!!
Be very very glad at your growth! The more embarrassment and shame the further and faster you have moved! Don't feel shame, re-contextualize it. This is HOW humans grow, they make mistakes, they go oh, that was a mistake and they move on, having learned what mistake not to make again... that is all it is. Really. When you strip the drama and the repeats and the do-overs ... and the damn shame blame paradigm in which most of us are raised... that is all it is.
Ernie Nemeth
25th September 2011, 04:34
Thanks everybody.
Seems like this is not going to be cut and dried, if I ever really thought it would be. Ha!
Just got back from the hospital.
Today my girl confided in me that she has had a growing lump on her side just at the bottom of her rib cage. It is the size of a plum and soft, not hard. As soon as I felt it I told her we had to go to the hospital right away. The emerg. doc said it was a hernia. We were both relieved to hear that but... When I got outside of the hospital almost four hours later I realized that the location of the lump could not be a hernia. Luckily they have referred her to a gastro-specialist. So we'll see.
Now what? I'm at a loss. Is there more to this than I can understand? How could this happen just now, when I am summoning up the courage and fortitude to move on? Even if she somehow divined my intentions she could not have done this to herself...
Now I'm really confused. Must reassess the entire situation now.
Not much more I can think of to say...
Heyoka_11
25th September 2011, 05:05
Hi Ernie,
A hernia in that region is nothing out of the ordinary (diaphragmatic). I live with two hernias; have done for decades, though in a different spot. They're great, as I get to cop out on heavy lifts.
Beyond that, it is hard to know what else to say, as I am unaware if "your girl" has any knowledge of your awakening and the possibility of a change being in the air.
Anyway, this may sound harsh, but if the gastro confirms hernia, well, she may as well have a toothache.
The current dynamic that this thread has brought you to can only change if you either want or allow it to.
The ball is in your court, and whatever you decide, you will find the support you need right here, and also, I hope, within yourself.
ViralSpiral
25th September 2011, 07:58
Thanks everybody.
Now I'm really confused. Must reassess the entire situation now.
.#
There ya go again, polishin' yer suit of shinin' armour! http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i273/shazzapx/smiley.gif
I'm not expecting you to abandon her at this time however, can you see how the universe is testing your resolve?
There will always be another slashing, another hernia
Be free!
sirac
25th September 2011, 08:10
read your start post, nothing else,
of that,
i'd say it is a 3part lens.
divide it into 3,
and you can see in which and where zones you've been disrupted.
there is a definite 1 to your signiture paragraph,
then goes to 2...((u bind in blindly..but emotively right)
3...the mirror gets more complex...as elucidations sweep,
that is why u need to see yourself on all 3 aspects and heal the central emotion.
i believe the situation will then just happen when u stay together, split, or decide a new way of doing things... without deciding,perhaps going away.
{i can only see that, i don't know where u have meanderred to see these aspects.....so don't perhaps take the emotional code of this, take the lens code, and sort,waving(strategic/logistic/[movement]) and emotive aspects}
Marianne
25th September 2011, 13:26
... unaware if "your girl" has any knowledge of your awakening and the possibility of a change being in the air.
Oh, I think she knows on an energetic level and it's freaking her out on that same level. She may be confused/unaware on the mundane level, but a part of her knows exactly what's happening.
Ernie, if you don't keep on your soul's course of growth, you'll find it will only get more and more difficult down the road. Been there, done that myself. This is a test, so I hope you keep your resolve.
markpierre
25th September 2011, 14:15
Hey Ernie, you know we don't always or even very often solve these situations, we just pass through them and they change us somehow fundamentally (all I know is I'm different now somehow). That's what we're doing right? Changing as fast these days as we can tolerate. It isn't easy to stay in
the big picture, but if you can remember when you're low and really relishing it, that if you separate content from context you can't really be fooled by the look of things. The context is the anguish of bursting out of mortal mind and thats not a bad thing. The content is a man evolving really really fast and he needs to use up all the story quick and be done with it. And that's what you really wanted in the first place...to feel whole and complete. C'mon...admit it. Sometimes its sweet and graceful and we remember a little bit about how things really should be or actually are except for us, and then sometimes its a kick in the pants because I got confused about something. Needs are confusing. I wonder what percentage of this weird activity is about learning what we don't want.
With how to deal with your situation if you think you need to do something, the only thing I've ever found that helped or sped things up at all was as deep an honesty as you can reach. Then whatever you do will have to be about the truth of the matter. Honoring truth is too big to get lost in the content. You always know right where you are, right on the edge of a breakthrough.
It's a good thing, I swear.
eaglespirit
25th September 2011, 15:12
Hi Ernie...Wishing You Well!
I have been away for a bit...have not read the whole thread here...but giving my 2 cents worth.
There may have been somewhat similar suggestions.
Take some Time for Yourself...some REAL Time.
Are there places You always wanted to go to? People You always wanted to see? Things You always wanted to do?
Make the Move...Do it Now. You have done MORE than was ever needed of You where You are now!
If You need more day to day resources wherever You are...You are a master electrician and can take care of that in that direct way or many other ways....You Are The Resource ...You know this.
Go DO That Special Thing For YOU!!!
Ernie Nemeth
26th September 2011, 01:02
Yes, I feel myself slipping. But the feeling is not like it used to be. It's not near as intense. I wish it could be another way, this relationship, but I know it will never be. And I hear myself whispering to myself about how this time it might just work out. Still, I hold a space for myself now and the panic I used to feel is not there anymore.
And yes, I'm sure my girl "feels" something is amiss. Sometimes she catches me looking at her reflectively, oddly, slightly askew. She knows.
It seems whatever I say or think is just an excuse but I'll say it anyway. I wonder if there is a deeper meaning here, something I might be missing. Could there be forces at work that cannot be seen? Is she being manipulated just as much as I seem to be? Is there dark forces at play, making her sick?
I feel a deep sadness but not so much a depression. How can that be? That is not like me. I should be curled up in a ball, tired and incapable of normal function but I am not. Why is that? What is happening? That is the confusion. Have I changed that much? Am I that much stronger? Or are people here holding me up, those powerful ones, the unassuming ones, the ones that keep their power to themselves, silently helping from the sidelines? And if so, how long can they continue to uplift me? I am waiting for the familiar crash and it just never happens.
Sierra
26th September 2011, 01:21
I feel a deep sadness but not so much a depression. How can that be? That is not like me. I should be curled up in a ball, tired and incapable of normal function but I am not. Why is that? What is happening? That is the confusion. Have I changed that much? Am I that much stronger? Or are people here holding me up, those powerful ones, the unassuming ones, the ones that keep their power to themselves, silently helping from the sidelines? And if so, how long can they continue to uplift me? I am waiting for the familiar crash and it just never happens.
Ernie, you can't crash. You've moved. You are already standing on real ground now Sweetie. That releases enormous amounts of energy for your personal use, that were tied up in balancing. Hence, not exhausted and capable of normal function.
Heyoka_11
26th September 2011, 01:43
I feel a deep sadness but not so much a depression. How can that be? That is not like me. I should be curled up in a ball, tired and incapable of normal function but I am not. Why is that? What is happening? That is the confusion. Have I changed that much? Am I that much stronger? Or are people here holding me up, those powerful ones, the unassuming ones, the ones that keep their power to themselves, silently helping from the sidelines? And if so, how long can they continue to uplift me? I am waiting for the familiar crash and it just never happens.
Ernie, you can't crash. You've moved. You are already standing on real ground now Sweetie. That releases enormous amounts of energy for your personal use, that were tied up in balancing. Hence, not exhausted and capable of normal function.
Can I second Sierra's words?
Ernie, this is you, no one else. You have an understanding now that you did not possess a few days ago. With that understanding has come personal power.
Ernie Nemeth
26th September 2011, 05:14
Thanks Sierra and Heyoka and everyone else,
Greatly appreciate all your help! I don't know what I would have done without it, honestly.
Little one is back, after being away all weekend and right away my stomach tied in a knot. So I went for a walk or I would have exploded.
I realized something. This is my personal Armageddon, 2012, Elenin, Nibiru event! I either sink or swim now. It's crunch time for me, choose or get the choice made for me. I have been victimized, terrorised, intimidated, put down, disrespected, denegrated, used. I have no "hand, no "face", no "say", no dignity. I am effectively a slave. Therefore I am just like the sleeping masses, no different at all.
I either stand up or shut up. It's time to put my money where my mouth is. Okay, enough with the clichés.
I will now choose to take a stand. If I survive this I can survive any mere global catastrophe.
It's time for action.
Heyoka_11
26th September 2011, 05:19
Yee Hah Man!!!
That's the spirit Ernie!
But you must try to be as gentle as you possibly can here, if at all possible. Tread softly! There is a real possibility that this could turn ugly, and that is something nobody wants to see happen.
Sierra
26th September 2011, 05:30
Hi Ernie, :hug: :kiss:
I asked my High Self to ask your High Self to ask you, if at anytime you need it, can I help.
Traditionally I carry fear for others at times, but if you need help with anger ...
Maybe we can all pitch in to help carry the anger when you feel it getting in your way.
That is, if we have your permission.
Keep observing, keep preparations in mind, keep breathing.
Ellisa
26th September 2011, 05:37
ernie--- As you have found we can only be responsible for ourown decisions. Each of us makes up our own minds and although through love and guidance we can influence people to change decisions willingly, the choice is always theirs. If their choices are influenced by others who do not have their interests at heart you will have done your best. And then you have to withdraw yourself , assuring them of your support in the future, or, maybe, perhaps not.
I notice one poster has called you brave, he is right, you are still showing courage. Perhaps now it is time to use that courage for yourself. Another suggests some counselling. I too think that discussion with someone you trust would help you to decide where to go in the future. Maybe it is time for a 'different journey.'
Buck
26th September 2011, 08:05
Your higher self has posted this thread as a call for help in discernment. It is your ego that fears "Armeggedon". It is terrified.
Robert J. Niewiadomski
26th September 2011, 10:26
Ernie, we are your team and you are Ariel :) We are sending you and that being you face all of our Love :) You will be fine :)
All three of you...
Ernie Nemeth
26th September 2011, 13:40
Robert - where in the world...you have brought tears to my eyes. You are beautiful, man! Perfect sense, in a way I would never have seen for myself. Thanks ever so much.
Sierra, I give permission and ask your help to hold my anger when it obstructs my Vision, thank you.
Thank you all!
Fred Steeves
26th September 2011, 14:22
But you must try to be as gentle as you possibly can here, if at all possible. Tread softly! There is a real possibility that this could turn ugly, and that is something nobody wants to see happen.
Thanks Tony, this reminds me of a lesson that has been ongoing for around 11 or 12 years. A guy I once worked with more than a decade ago used to bring up that his most adored martial arts instructor used to patiently tell him from time to time: " Soft eyes John, see the world with soft eyes ". It wasn't until recently that I really began to grasp what that meant. I'm still learning from it...
Cheers,
Fred
rosie
26th September 2011, 15:06
Hi Ernie :hug: I think your mission is just starting, not ending, no matter what road you take now. When ever a person looses their vision, only to regain it, with such love and compassion, well, anything goes. And the world is a better place for this. Thank you, you have my up most respect. :love:
Ernie Nemeth
27th September 2011, 12:33
I should now make clear the title of this thread. I honestly did not even think of its other possible meaning. I have no and never had any intention of shedding these mortal coils by my own hand. To me such a thing is unthinkable (since at least 1999, anyways). What I always meant was that, to me, this relationship was "my mission" - the greatest thing I have ever done in this world. I felt I was "brought" to this relationship to make a difference in a way i had been searching to do for a long time. Sort of like a "cause". Hope that clears that up.
The hammer has fallen. Little one showed up at 4:00a.m. again and woke us both up. Without any anger (thanks Sierra), I calmly walked out to the living room and told her this was just not acceptable behavoir and would not be tolerated. I asked her when she was moving out. She replied she was looking for a place already. I told her, firmly but without any unnecessary animosity, that I had heard that from her for over two years now. Then I told her she had one month to move out and that's final. Hope she does not test my resolve because I am in no mood for any more tests, nor will I have my "bluff" called. If she does she is going to find out the hard way that I am not bluffing.
How's that for standing in my power, given my previous behavoir and handling of this situation? Not bad, eh?
Thanks for the nice words, Rosie. Ya, I'm pretty special...but so are you...and you...and...;)
markpierre
27th September 2011, 13:21
I like that waiting for the crash that doesn't come. That's so true. I called it 'the hammer'.
I like your kind of hammer, having it in your own hand.
I've been through the wringer enough where I'd stop and look at the sky and shake my fists and scream 'finish me off you bastards!'...but nope...nothing.
All that really ever happened is things changed. I got over myself. I found myself somewhere else.
I think you're going okay mate.
Guest
30th September 2011, 04:33
But you must try to be as gentle as you possibly can here, if at all possible. Tread softly! There is a real possibility that this could turn ugly, and that is something nobody wants to see happen.
Thanks Tony, this reminds me of a lesson that has been ongoing for around 11 or 12 years. A guy I once worked with more than a decade ago used to bring up that his most adored martial arts instructor used to patiently tell him from time to time: " Soft eyes John, see the world with soft eyes ". It wasn't until recently that I really began to grasp what that meant. I'm still learning from it...
Cheers,w
Fred
Hi Ernie
I totally ditto this -yes softness and gentleness is always a stronger....way.:grouphug:
Nora
we are all related
araucaria
30th September 2011, 08:39
Just bumping this thread again to remind Ernie that there are others not posting who are behind him all the same - but he knows that! Dealing with personal issues, one at a time, is really the quickest way forward, the macrocosm will take care of itself
Ernie Nemeth
30th September 2011, 16:15
Thanks Araucaria, yes I know that. I hope that my bringing out my dirty laundry for all to see can help others in whatever way they need.
Quickly, an update, then back on topic. Little one still comes and goes but she stays clear of me as much as possible. She has complained to our extended families about my unfair treatment of her to no avail. You see, she has used all of them before arriving on our doorstep. Her ultimatum (she has a month to move out) is fully supported by all in the family. Most cannot believe how patient we have been. Most of them threw her out within a month! The only one who thinks we are cruel is her dad - who has thrown her out many times himself! Go figure...
You gotta reveal to heal, as they say. But it does not have to be done to this extreme. It can be done with a friend, a family member, a stranger on the street.
It is my hope that it is understood that I did this as an example on how to heal above all. I could have done this in private with a few trusted members.
And, I do not take full credit. Thanks Starsha, Heyoka and Fred - they nudged me in this direction.
And thanks to all who have posted here, and to those who read the posts.
Finally, thanks to The Most High God for my life and the opportunity to grow!
Ba-ba-Ra
30th September 2011, 17:05
Hi Ernie,
I would like to suggest that you read Tolle's book "A New Earth" and pay special attention to the Chapter on the pain body. The pain body is like the ego in that it becomes an entity unto itself, and like the ego can become insatiable. The more pain it gets the more it wants. Understanding this is important. I suspect both you and girlfriend are locked into this cycle. Drama is very addictive. Also, relationships can be very addictive, which is why humans often stay in relationships that aren't serving our higher selves.
Perhaps your drug or addiction is your relationship with this girlfriend. It appears this whole scenario is keeping you off balance and ungrounded. This is not a judgment, only an observation. There is no wrong way for you - only a shorter easier way or a longer more difficult way. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them learn to swim for themselves. As long as you keep holding them up in the water, in some ways you are keeping them from learning to be self supporting. If you see a drowning person, you give them a rope, or life preserver or whatever other tools that can save them, but eventually they must pull on the rope or begin to paddle themselves.
Ernie, tough love is very tough, hence the name. It sounds as if you have taken that approach with the daughter. But what about the mother? You can't keep the daughter away from her; your girlfriend must come to her own terms with that relationship. It seems you believe that if the daughter hadn't come around, your girlfriend wouldn't have spent the money on the drugs. Perhaps! But if your girlfriend's addiction is that strong it just would have been a matter of time that someone else would have shown up with the temptation. If you do stay, please keep all your monies and valuables out of girlfriends access. Good luck, much love, Ba-ba-Ra
araucaria
30th September 2011, 18:43
Ernie, I know while you've been on here, you have been putting out some pretty amazing stuff on Ilie's thread as well. I can't help thinking the two are somehow related??
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