Curt
21st February 2012, 15:14
We’re all vaguely familiar with the scene: a ‘spiritual’ teacher wearing a black turtleneck, and a discreet lapel mic walks onto a well-lit stage in an auditorium full of pre-converted fans who’ve already purchased his 7th book, titled something like, ‘What if God were a Blade of Grass?”
He eases into an unchallenging, paternal tone that will carry him from his opening remarks all the way to the book signing at the end of the hour and half presentation. After the signing, in a private breakout room, some who have paid a little extra will be able to have a boxed lunch of tuna and radish sandwiches and speak with him one on one.
He is handsome, and so is his bank balance. He has a two million dollar home, a pair of lexuses, an agent, a PR rep, a manager, and a housekeeper. He spends $153.00 plus tip on a weekly haircut. He is as familiar with bond markets as he is with his own particular brand of ‘spiritual’ teaching.
When I reflect on some of these latter-day ‘spiritual luminaries,’ I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Jesus had had an agent.
I can just imagine their first conversation.
Agent: “Come right in, Jesus. Take a seat. You want a leather sack of water? No. Okay, then let's jump right in.”
Jesus: “I am here to show my people the way to my father’s kingdom.”
Agent: “Right. Right, Jesus. Listen, we’ve really got to get you into the barber’s chair. Our research shows you’re not doing well with the under 25s. Although our research does suggest women aged 17-39 appreciate your abs. You’re doing some things right, and some things wrong. What we need to do is broaden your appeal.”
Jesus: “My message is for all of my father’s people.”
Agent: “Right. Sure, but let’s not get too carried away here. Certain demographics are more important than others. They have what we call ‘disposable income’. Think about that the next time you’re flipping over tables. Nobody ever did well in this city by pissing off the Pharisees and Sadducees.”
Jesus: “They are unclean. They profit from the buying and selling of animals for blood sacrifice in my father’s house.”
Agent: “Well, yes. But they’ve got to make a living. Besides, they’re where it’s at Jesus. They get to be religious, and also rich. It’s the best of both worlds. That’s something for you to think about.”
Jesus: “It is harder for a rich man to pass through the gates of heaven than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.”
Agent: “Look, I told you we don’t have to worry about that. We’ll set up a holding company in Damascus to shield all your assets. Nobody will have to know you’re rich—you’ll pay no taxes. As far as Caesar will be concerned, you own two robes, a pair of sandals and haven’t earned income for the last 20 years. No problem.”
Jesus: “I am the Son of God; I do not care about the wealth of this world.”
Agent: “Exactly! We’ve got to get you looking like the Son of God. What Prince you’ve ever heard of goes around living in squalor, with a band of misfits dragging around after him. We have got to get rid of these guys. Keep one or two as an entourage—Peter, maybe Judas can stay—but get them into some clean clothes. But, Magdalene? Forget about it. Your contact with her jeopardizes the brand.”
Jesus: ‘The brand?”
Agent: “Yes. Your brand is your most valuable asset, Jesus. It’s what makes or breaks you. People will pay good money to see you if you have a high-value brand. It’s all about perception. People have got to see you like the Son of God, and then they pay you like you’re the Son of God. Fake it 'til you make it, Jesus.”
Jesus. “I am the son of god! I am here to give my people the keys to my father’s kingdom.” (A bolt of lightning crashes through the sky.)
Agent: “Great. That’s great! The lightning’s a great touch, Jesus. Can you say that again so I can jot it down on something—you, what are you doing—get me a piece of papyrus! I love it, ‘…the keys to my father’s kingdom…’ Go on. That’s our hook, right there! You’re giving away the keys to the kingdom of heaven. What could be more valuable?”
Jesus: “Nothing in this world. I will remove all debts, and restore my people to my father’s kingdom for all eternity.”
Agent: “This is absolutely great stuff, Jesus. This will be worth a premium. You’re talking about removing people’s debts. Who doesn’t want that? And of course debts—getting people out of debt, there’s a big market for that kind of thing.”
Jesus: ‘The Kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed….”
Agent: “Right. See, if you’re going to do parables, stick to the parable of the lost coin. The lady finds the silver and she’s happy! See! Stick with that. It’s positive. People can relate to it. It’s hopeful! It’s cheerful. The other parables are too oblique; you’re not going to spread your influence by making people feel stupid. And don’t tell them all the things they’re doing wrong. Speak in positive language—always be positive—smile a lot.”
Jesus: “Positive language?”
Agent: “Yep, and while I’m thinking about it… lepers? Really? You want people to associate the kingdom with a guy whose ears are rotting off? Not a good move. I know you feel sorry for them. Hell, the whole world feels sorry for them. So here’s what we do. We do it small-scale. You come in, there’s a controlled situation, the lepers are preselected, you touch a couple, heal them, and we move on. That way you don’t have to be around them constantly. Have you seen these guys? They’re rotting.”
Jesus: “They are all my flock.”
Agent: “Hey look, I like the inclusiveness; I’m just saying we need to make some tweaks. You’ve got to focus on the trendsetters—the Pharisees, for a start. These guys can make things really easy for you. They could recommend your work and help promote you. We could take this show all over the world! Think of all the people you could reach if you just toned down the rhetoric.”
Jesus: “They are hypocrites; they follow the letter and ignore the spirit of my father’s law!”
Agent: “Look, if you want to take this thing to the next level—and I think you do, Jesus—you’ve got a real mission here—you’re going to have to consider talking to Rome, too. I know, I know, they’re evil occupiers and their presence is a grave injustice and all that, but look, Caesar is a smart guy. He’ll take one look at you and you’ll be in. Just make nice, do a little trick for him, and he’ll eat it up. He could use a guy like you—a smart guy like you—you could do some damage for him. Who knows, you could become a member of court and rule over Judea someday. Pilate is out. Jesus is in. A New day for Judea! The people would be cheering in the streets—the man from Nazareth brings Jewish rule back to Judea. What a coup!”
Jesus: “My father’s kingdom is not of this world.”
Agent: “I know, I know, you keep saying that, but imagine the good you could do if you got in good with Rome, made nice with the temple elders, extended the olive branch, toned down the rhetoric, weren’t so preoccupied with the meek and poor and sick. I’ve got to tell you something, these aren’t the most popular people—this isn’t a very influential demographic, Jesus. I mean, what are you trying to do to yourself, here? I can’t have you casting your lot with the rabble and the losers. I’m going to protect you from yourself, Jesus. If you want to bring your message to the wider world—you need a massive stage.”
Jesus: “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
Agent: “Look, I’m telling you, you could rule over all of Judea, perhaps even a larger part of the Roman Empire—your heirs might be Caesar one day. Think of all the good they could do. You have to think long-term, Jesus. Your Key’s to the Kingdom brand could be real dynamite—a powerhouse—you’ve got a real chance to do something great—if you’d only listen.”
Come to think of it, this is a silly hypothetical exercise. Jesus probably would have cast the agent out of his sight faster than he did Satan. Pity our modern ‘spiritual’ luminaries wouldn’t do the same thing. But then, they’ve got whole industries to support, turtlenecks to buy and books to sell so maybe it’s not a fair comparison.
He eases into an unchallenging, paternal tone that will carry him from his opening remarks all the way to the book signing at the end of the hour and half presentation. After the signing, in a private breakout room, some who have paid a little extra will be able to have a boxed lunch of tuna and radish sandwiches and speak with him one on one.
He is handsome, and so is his bank balance. He has a two million dollar home, a pair of lexuses, an agent, a PR rep, a manager, and a housekeeper. He spends $153.00 plus tip on a weekly haircut. He is as familiar with bond markets as he is with his own particular brand of ‘spiritual’ teaching.
When I reflect on some of these latter-day ‘spiritual luminaries,’ I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Jesus had had an agent.
I can just imagine their first conversation.
Agent: “Come right in, Jesus. Take a seat. You want a leather sack of water? No. Okay, then let's jump right in.”
Jesus: “I am here to show my people the way to my father’s kingdom.”
Agent: “Right. Right, Jesus. Listen, we’ve really got to get you into the barber’s chair. Our research shows you’re not doing well with the under 25s. Although our research does suggest women aged 17-39 appreciate your abs. You’re doing some things right, and some things wrong. What we need to do is broaden your appeal.”
Jesus: “My message is for all of my father’s people.”
Agent: “Right. Sure, but let’s not get too carried away here. Certain demographics are more important than others. They have what we call ‘disposable income’. Think about that the next time you’re flipping over tables. Nobody ever did well in this city by pissing off the Pharisees and Sadducees.”
Jesus: “They are unclean. They profit from the buying and selling of animals for blood sacrifice in my father’s house.”
Agent: “Well, yes. But they’ve got to make a living. Besides, they’re where it’s at Jesus. They get to be religious, and also rich. It’s the best of both worlds. That’s something for you to think about.”
Jesus: “It is harder for a rich man to pass through the gates of heaven than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.”
Agent: “Look, I told you we don’t have to worry about that. We’ll set up a holding company in Damascus to shield all your assets. Nobody will have to know you’re rich—you’ll pay no taxes. As far as Caesar will be concerned, you own two robes, a pair of sandals and haven’t earned income for the last 20 years. No problem.”
Jesus: “I am the Son of God; I do not care about the wealth of this world.”
Agent: “Exactly! We’ve got to get you looking like the Son of God. What Prince you’ve ever heard of goes around living in squalor, with a band of misfits dragging around after him. We have got to get rid of these guys. Keep one or two as an entourage—Peter, maybe Judas can stay—but get them into some clean clothes. But, Magdalene? Forget about it. Your contact with her jeopardizes the brand.”
Jesus: ‘The brand?”
Agent: “Yes. Your brand is your most valuable asset, Jesus. It’s what makes or breaks you. People will pay good money to see you if you have a high-value brand. It’s all about perception. People have got to see you like the Son of God, and then they pay you like you’re the Son of God. Fake it 'til you make it, Jesus.”
Jesus. “I am the son of god! I am here to give my people the keys to my father’s kingdom.” (A bolt of lightning crashes through the sky.)
Agent: “Great. That’s great! The lightning’s a great touch, Jesus. Can you say that again so I can jot it down on something—you, what are you doing—get me a piece of papyrus! I love it, ‘…the keys to my father’s kingdom…’ Go on. That’s our hook, right there! You’re giving away the keys to the kingdom of heaven. What could be more valuable?”
Jesus: “Nothing in this world. I will remove all debts, and restore my people to my father’s kingdom for all eternity.”
Agent: “This is absolutely great stuff, Jesus. This will be worth a premium. You’re talking about removing people’s debts. Who doesn’t want that? And of course debts—getting people out of debt, there’s a big market for that kind of thing.”
Jesus: ‘The Kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed….”
Agent: “Right. See, if you’re going to do parables, stick to the parable of the lost coin. The lady finds the silver and she’s happy! See! Stick with that. It’s positive. People can relate to it. It’s hopeful! It’s cheerful. The other parables are too oblique; you’re not going to spread your influence by making people feel stupid. And don’t tell them all the things they’re doing wrong. Speak in positive language—always be positive—smile a lot.”
Jesus: “Positive language?”
Agent: “Yep, and while I’m thinking about it… lepers? Really? You want people to associate the kingdom with a guy whose ears are rotting off? Not a good move. I know you feel sorry for them. Hell, the whole world feels sorry for them. So here’s what we do. We do it small-scale. You come in, there’s a controlled situation, the lepers are preselected, you touch a couple, heal them, and we move on. That way you don’t have to be around them constantly. Have you seen these guys? They’re rotting.”
Jesus: “They are all my flock.”
Agent: “Hey look, I like the inclusiveness; I’m just saying we need to make some tweaks. You’ve got to focus on the trendsetters—the Pharisees, for a start. These guys can make things really easy for you. They could recommend your work and help promote you. We could take this show all over the world! Think of all the people you could reach if you just toned down the rhetoric.”
Jesus: “They are hypocrites; they follow the letter and ignore the spirit of my father’s law!”
Agent: “Look, if you want to take this thing to the next level—and I think you do, Jesus—you’ve got a real mission here—you’re going to have to consider talking to Rome, too. I know, I know, they’re evil occupiers and their presence is a grave injustice and all that, but look, Caesar is a smart guy. He’ll take one look at you and you’ll be in. Just make nice, do a little trick for him, and he’ll eat it up. He could use a guy like you—a smart guy like you—you could do some damage for him. Who knows, you could become a member of court and rule over Judea someday. Pilate is out. Jesus is in. A New day for Judea! The people would be cheering in the streets—the man from Nazareth brings Jewish rule back to Judea. What a coup!”
Jesus: “My father’s kingdom is not of this world.”
Agent: “I know, I know, you keep saying that, but imagine the good you could do if you got in good with Rome, made nice with the temple elders, extended the olive branch, toned down the rhetoric, weren’t so preoccupied with the meek and poor and sick. I’ve got to tell you something, these aren’t the most popular people—this isn’t a very influential demographic, Jesus. I mean, what are you trying to do to yourself, here? I can’t have you casting your lot with the rabble and the losers. I’m going to protect you from yourself, Jesus. If you want to bring your message to the wider world—you need a massive stage.”
Jesus: “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
Agent: “Look, I’m telling you, you could rule over all of Judea, perhaps even a larger part of the Roman Empire—your heirs might be Caesar one day. Think of all the good they could do. You have to think long-term, Jesus. Your Key’s to the Kingdom brand could be real dynamite—a powerhouse—you’ve got a real chance to do something great—if you’d only listen.”
Come to think of it, this is a silly hypothetical exercise. Jesus probably would have cast the agent out of his sight faster than he did Satan. Pity our modern ‘spiritual’ luminaries wouldn’t do the same thing. But then, they’ve got whole industries to support, turtlenecks to buy and books to sell so maybe it’s not a fair comparison.