Open apology to Avalon/How Christianity screwed my brain up

[Strat]

I often think of myself as Avalon's most skeptic member. My skepticism can really irk people. It's not that I try to stir the pot, it's that I physically can not believe anyone anymore without seeing something with my own eyes.

All of this is rooted in how I was brought up. I was raised a Christian and went to church every Sunday for 18 years (was not optional). I also went to a Christian school from elementary through middle school. One of our classes was a Bible study class. All the adults around me, teachers, preachers, youth councilors, everybody encouraged me to follow this religion. It really was brainwashing.

If I got in trouble, I would be shunned to some extent. Nothing too bad, but it sucks when you're a self conscious kid if the adults shun you. I would do my best to be a good person in the faith. I studied the Bible often and I prayed every night before bed.

I was even 'Confirmed' in the Lutheran faith in front of the entire congregation, something I was proud of at the time.

It was around my mid teens when I started asking questions and getting questionable answers. I remember the first one: I asked if I would be a Christian if I were to be born in another country, specifically a Muslim one. Any adult I asked would dodge the question. When I did get an answer, it was a cop-out answer.


---------------

When I turned 16 years old, I literally woke up one day to discover I had juvenile myoclonic epilepsy (JME). I had no previous health problems and a clean bill of health. I even played sports and stayed in shape. You know what that does to a 16 year old? Waking up and your body is randomly twitching with out your control. It sucks.

At the same time, I noticed I began getting excruciating headaches. I went to the neurologist and right away was diagnosed with cluster headaches (CH), literally considered the most painful medical condition in medical science. There were times in the midst of a CH where I literally was screaming at the top of my lungs for God to help me. It never worked. Ever.... Ever.

At this point I seriously started reviewing my belief system. I don't think folks understand how hard this is to do for someone that is deeply rooted in a religion. Literally, the very thought of it all being fake was a thought to be avoided like the plague. And if you did think those thoughts, you kept it to yourself and didn't ask anyone's opinion.

When I turned 18 years old my parents stopped forcing me to go to church. I still considered myself a Christian though, all the way till about 21. I discovered the Bible (the word of God himself) had been edited multiple times (which I was told was impossible), and I read the Hiram Key. At this point there was no turning back.

For the first time in my life, I was diving head first into the other side of the discussion and most importantly; I did it with an open mind. What I was doing (although unaware of it) was gaining knowledge, which is power, which requires responsibility. I had to find out truth or at least as much as I could. One day I'll have kids, and I'm gonna level with them. It is my responsibility to find truth and pass it on to them.


------------

So now maybe y'all will see why I can't believe a damn word anyone says. My parents (who ARE fantastic, loving, intelligent, parents) were wrong about the biggest picture of all. I just can't believe them anymore. If I can't believe them, who I know better than anyone else in this world, then how can I believe what anybody says?

I don't 'believe' anymore. My brain is like a computer at this point; I take in information and store it. So if someone says they witnessed a UFO, I'll store their report in my mind and look for consistencies in other reports. That is what makes Camelot/Avalon such a powerful tool and that is why I am here. I can compare Leer to Burisch (still get goosebumps from that one) to whomever I want.

So if you see me throwing up the b.s. flag, it's because I've been b.s.'ed almost my entire life by people I looked up to. Never again my friends, never again.

[TargeT]

Question everything, always.

Questioning isn't considered "throwing up a B.S. flag" however, be wary of your tact when questioning (you may be projecting a bit of anger from precived wrongs at the way you were raised (parents, teachers, friends, all included), remember that those that mislead you are mislead themselfs & anger would be a missplaced feeling); but never stop doing it!

[Sebastion]

No apologies are necessary Strat. You are a good man finding your own way. My best to you!

[Lazlo]

Other than the CH, we have pretty similar stories, and I for one appreciate the skepticsm. It's discouraging to see so many people believe the most ridiculous stories without a shred of proof, or even logic or critical thinking to support it.

:tea:

My signature says it all.

[mountain_jim]

It was the Southern Baptist programming that I had work hard to undo. And Robert Anton Wilson's writings helped me develop my own brand of skepticism while still trying to keep as open a mind as possible.

[WhiteFeather]

Great Post Strat

Strat did you know you were born with original sin? Now thats some good Bullshyte.

Hey what a great technique to lure you into the organization ehh.!

Hate to rub salt in your wounds from the religion hangover..... but God needs money.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPOfurmrjxo

[Strat]

be wary of your tact when questioning (you may be projecting a bit of anger from precived wrongs at the way you were raised (parents, teachers, friends, all included), remember that those that mislead you are mislead themselfs & anger would be a missplaced feeling)

You're right, and that's great advice everyone should follow.

When I was 16 years old I was a member of another forum. I said all the wrong words and angered lots of people. This was because 1 I was an angsty teen 2 I let my emotions get the better of me and 3 I was immature. I've learned from those mistakes and I stand by every word I have ever written on Avalon. I try to be the same person on the net as in real life. Meaning if I'm not willing to say something to someone's face then I won't say it over the net. I'm a nice guy (except when it comes to a game of pool or fuseball) so I watch what I say carefully.

I've never attacked anyone on Avalon though I've been attacked by three different people. I won't name names because it's not important, but what's funny is they all ended up getting banned. I never even reported them, I guess they just kept stirring up trouble.

[ghostrider]

your only get answers when you start questioning, and looking for answers yourself. congrats you've stepped out of the matrix and into a larger world , breaking the religion programming is the hardest one.... spirit will guide you , everyone else is just in the way. you'll know the ones who are alongside your journey and the ones in your way .... member the religious people killed Jesus... religion is very good at killing in the name of God. humans will kill to defend the name of their God....think of it as a Great spirit and you won't need a name....your still connected to it, since birth part of you never left the presence of the Almighty...

[Anchor]

Strat,

Forgive yourself - you must not judge yourself harshly for being taken in, in the manner you explained - in the bigger scheme of things, you kind of decided for it to play out this way so you could have the experience. It must be frustrating for your erstwhile programmers that you are self-correcting in the manner you explain. Forgive them too - they probably thought they were doing the right thing for the right reasons.


There were times in the midst of a CH where I literally was screaming at the top of my lungs for God to help me. It never worked. Ever.... Ever.

Au contraire... perhaps now you can see it.

Do you still suffer with these symptoms BTW?

Avalon has another aspect to it, vastly underused, which is that there are a very good and diverse range of healers in the membership.

Thanks so much for posting your story. I find it very encouraging to see threads like this.

John..

[Sidney]

Your not alone Strat, your not alone. No apologies needed. I'm right there with ya. I've always loved the X-files cliche' "TRUST NO ONE".. My motto as well.

[noxon medem]

Of course this is not directed
at Christ , or the source of Wisdom .

- But

17451

..
-

[truth4me]

The Government of America taxes everything yet they do not tax churchs and why do they not tax churchs and church organiztions? Could it be they set it up 100's of years ago where the slaves of society ,in which we ALL are,needed something to keep them going? A savior to bear their burdens from this life. Since people give to churchs so why tax them.

[Ultima Thule]

Go figure the differences between countries and cultures: I either did cross word puzzles or skipped religion-classes in school - which ever seemed preferable. I could not stand the one-eyed vision of christianity combined with condescending attitude towards other religions. Still it was only 45 minutes in a week, so it was easily skippable. In here it is considered quite odd and unrational, should someone base any decision on religious grounds. Scientific or mathematical point of view will on the other hand be considered valid, even if it leads to catastrophe in long run, because not all the factors are accounted for - which is quite usual, if not the rule...

Oh, if you still get spouts of neuralgia, quit smoking, alcohol, strong spices and emotional stress(easier said than done sometimes), the last one having propably been a major factor. Cluster headache is a real Pain, I´ve managed to help some patients with acupuncture, if needed you might wan´t to try that. Anyone with this condition can PM me, and I can give some pointers as to what kind of practitioner one should seek.

UT

[Referee]

We are much the same no need to appologize.

Much Love!

[<8>]

Thanks for sharing Strat..


I can so relate to so much of what you shared here, I was myself physically dragged to church for many years.
But with all cards on the table now, I can actually thank my parents and everything else I considered to be wrong.

Because you and I would not be here now and know what we know if we had not gone through all that.

That said, I now send all my love to them who made me to the man I am to day..

[ulli]

I got into the fashion business in my early twenties.....
thought I could escape from religious dogma.

It was a leap fom the frying pan to the fire.

Unless one goes deep into it one will never understand how deep the dogma runs...
and how the fanaticism takes over...
I have seen fashion victims- and they are as numerous as religion victims, or cult victims,
or sports victims.
Dogma is created by people with an attitude problem, one they can't face so they push it onto others.
The reason why religious dogma is even more dangerous than the others is that it reaches all the way to your afterlife, not just the next fashion season.
And the 'judgement' preys on your imagination even more insidiously than a pitying glance from someone in the fashion know.
So all dogma is projection.

[ulli]

To illustrate my point:

http://showstudio.com/img/products/401-600/447_320n.jpg?1334594228

[Cartomancer]

Everyone wrestles with their programming. I don't recall reading any overly aggressive or offensive posts from you. In fact you always come off being magnanimous and even handed.

I was raised loosely Christian but never went to church or had excessive dogma piled on me. Still I went through the same questioning and guilt process you did. This stuff goes deep. I do kind of consider myself lucky to have grown up w/out cable tv and video games though.

[Feren]

I have never met a skeptic who found truth.
Maybe it is because a true skeptic does not search for truth.

[mountain_jim]

I do credit a particularly absurd Southern Baptist preacher, who assured us our souls were going to burn in hell for not coming to sunday night church in addition to sunday morning services, a preacher who pushed my head under the water in my (peer-pressured) baptism at age 12, as the main catalyst in turning me into the agressive authority and belief-systems questioner I became...

For once I saw through what he and they were selling, I started forward on my path to try and find the truth for me through all the faulty history and belief systems BS as much as possible.

[RMorgan]

Hey Strat,

No need to apologize, my friend.

I think you´re on the right track.

You know, some people act like psychological masochists; they believe everything and everyone, are deceived over and over again, but, despite of the suffering and deception, they still end up believing everything and everyone. This isn´t healthy at all.

Some other people don´t believe anyone and anything; these persons are really hurt but, despite don´t believing anything, they are still looking for something to believe, which is still some kind of psychological torture.

However, there´s another kind of people who simply transcend the need to believe or disbelieve. They ask themselves if there really is the need to believe something and find that there isn´t. This, in my opinion, is the most healthy path, because if eventually one of these persons find something to believe, it works like a bonus; there´s no agony of expectation. I´m one of these persons and I guess you are as well.

Just be who you are and you´ll be ok. Belief (or the lack of it) is ephemeral, pretty much like everything in life. There´s no point getting attached to it, but I guess you already know that.

Life just flows...

Cheers,

Raf.

[Fred Steeves]

It was around my mid teens when I started asking questions and getting questionable answers. I remember the first one: I asked if I would be a Christian if I were to be born in another country, specifically a Muslim one. Any adult I asked would dodge the question. When I did get an answer, it was a cop-out answer.


Amen brother(LOL). I still remember sitting in 7th grade Bible class(Baptist), and getting one of those cop out answers from the teacher. The "lesson" was on Predetermination, meaning God knew the fate of every soul as he created them. I asked why God would create a soul, knowing it's ultimate destiny was to forever burn in Hell. The first pat answer was that each person has free will, and is responsible for their own actions in this regard. I then asked "how can a person truly have free will, if their sad fate were already determined? Isn't this mean of God to do to his creation?" I forget what that answer was, but I do remember the little wheels turning around in my head in response thinking: "That just doesn't sound right".

Glad you broke out of it man, most don't. So tell me, do you have compassion for the adults responsible for that indoctrination, being that they are still trapped in what you have managed to wiggle free from?

Cheers,
Fred

[Strat]

Strat,

Forgive yourself - you must not judge yourself harshly for being taken in, in the manner you explained - in the bigger scheme of things, you kind of decided for it to play out this way so you could have the experience. It must be frustrating for your erstwhile programmers that you are self-correcting in the manner you explain. Forgive them too - they probably thought they were doing the right thing for the right reasons.


There were times in the midst of a CH where I literally was screaming at the top of my lungs for God to help me. It never worked. Ever.... Ever.

Au contraire... perhaps now you can see it.

Do you still suffer with these symptoms BTW?


Frankly, no, I don't see what you're getting at. And yes, I still have these symptoms.



Glad you broke out of it man, most don't. So tell me, do you have compassion for the adults responsible for that indoctrination, being that they are still trapped in what you have managed to wiggle free from?


Compassion? Not really because Christians are very rude if you disagree with them. It's hard for me to feel compassionate for anyone who is disrespectful. I do respect them and all teachers that helped raise me. They genuinely gave their best shot and truly cared for me.

I'm really glad I made this thread. I thought I was kind of alone in my skepticism but I guess not. Y'all are the best.

[Feren]

"find the truth among al the faulty history and belief systems" -- My friend, belief systems are all there is. I think you got it wrong. There is no ultimate truth.

[mountain_jim]

"find the truth among al the faulty history and belief systems" -- My friend, belief systems are all there is. I think you got it wrong. There is no ultimate truth.

my statement to which you refer:




I started forward on my path to try and find the truth for me through all the faulty history and belief systems BS as much as possible.



Notice I said: 'truth for me'.

And I maintain, Southern Baptist Christianity is a faulty belief system and filled with BS - that was the point I was trying to make. One life per soul and then eternal heaven or damnation in hell for you, and belief that the Bible is the literal word of God, is just faulty. A very fault-filled belief system, based on my lifetime of research and connecting to greater aspects of Self and Source.

The fact that these particular believers are so strongly intent on forcing their programming on everyone else has been a bit of an irritant to me, as well.

And yes - what's true for me has some portion of belief and (one hopes) some portion of awareness and intuited 'truth'. My goal is always to examine and constantly refine the beliefs, throwing them out as new data comes requiring revision.

Like prototyping software, my beliefs are always prototypes, awaiting the next rev's updates.

[RedeZra]

All of this is rooted in how I was brought up. I was raised a Christian and went to church every Sunday for 18 years (was not optional). I also went to a Christian school from elementary through middle school. One of our classes was a Bible study class. All the adults around me, teachers, preachers, youth councilors, everybody encouraged me to follow this religion. It really was brainwashing.




the Bible do not brainwash

but give an accurate account of God our origin history and destiny


close the Book

and you got a thousand theories

to fall for

[Anchor]

Frankly, no, I don't see what you're getting at.

Well, lets just use the Rolling Stone lyrics:


No, you can't always get what you want,
But if you try sometime, you just might find
You get what you need

My hypothesis, is that you asked God for what you wanted, but you got what you needed.

The evidence is before me in this thread :)

You are on a path like the rest of us. It is always ok to ask for help.

[KosmicKat]

There is no ultimate truth.

Perhaps you are right. For me, now, there is no ultimate truth, but there is truth that is true now, and where I am. Later, and from another perspective I may see a different truth.

We talk about the truth being "set in stone". Is the truth a fossil then?

[Rocky_Shorz]

"find the truth among al the faulty history and belief systems" -- My friend, belief systems are all there is. I think you got it wrong. There is no ultimate truth.

you could say the ultimate truth has never been written, at least until places like Avalon appeared allowing freedom of expression and creating a group learning with friends who are all moving forward...

now learning mysteries about unknown ancient history meets spirituality with some of the worlds best to pick it apart to find its truth or fiction without having to worry about books written a few thousand years ago setting guidelines for acceptability.

who knows how long we will stay gathered, something unexpected could happen tomorrow, but the time we are spending together now is nourishing our souls, preparing for that day if it ever comes...

an ET knocks at any of our doors for directions, most would be ready to give it a hug...

we've lost shock factor, as far as we're concerned, it is already disclosed...


now if the dude points at his spacecraft and says he's from the Federation of Light...


I won't be able to help exploding in laughter...

[Kristo]

Hey Brother Strat~ You exude such a high level of emotional & spiritual maturity that it almost feels like a moot point to comment... But I will ;-).
Our "screwing up" may be part of a Grand Plan layed out by our higher selves in order to break through the Matrix. I believe before we incarnate here, we carefully plan out our circumstances (time frame we are born, country of birth, gender, race, family, values held by birth family, etc...) in order to overcome, awaken to, and/or notice circumstances in which we came here to learn and evolve. Being born into a strict religious family (of any belief system) would be a catalyst to awaken an inquiring mind/spirit such as yourself.
Perhaps this perspective will be empowering to you and help you connect some dots, only those which you can see and connect.
Much love to you for sharing and putting yourself in a potentially vulnerable place to all of your PA friends. You are a good seed.
Kris

[araucaria]

A useful alternative to a priori skepticism is to entertain ideas, the way you entertain people: you invite them in for a pleasant moment, and don't need to invite them back if you don't want to.

[kcbc2010]

Just to offer another perspective....

My husband is a skeptic and I respect that. He had similar experiences as those mentioned above and I can totally understand why Christianity doesn't appeal to a lot of people. People want real answers, not a bunch of BS. A lot of Christians never question their faith, so they find it hard to answer questions because they've never had a lot of questions. So, you get someone who's asking tough questions and neither party knows how to deal with the situation because the seeker is asking sincere questions and the teacher just doesn't have a clue how to respond. It's not even funny how much this is a clique these days.

For myself, I got out of a legalistic church, but I've always struggled with finding a real church that I can relate to. "My way or the highway" is a lot easier than being in the grey area.

The point that I'm trying to make(and admittedly doing a bad job of doing it) is that regardless of how we individually feel about church - we've made peace w/how our family interacts with the church world. My husband doesn't have a problem with our son learning christian values because most of them are really universally good ideas....you know "do unto others....thou shall not murder...don't cheat on your spouse....etc). I can totally understand why someone who doesn't have a church background would be turned off by the church when the church leaders can't seem to answer the tough questions.

Christianity is easy when it's practiced from a "my way or the highway" viewpoint. Christianity isn't so easy when you actually live out the principles that Jesus lays out - like loving your neighbor who keeps knocking on your door when it's way past your bedtime or forgiving your neighbor when everyone knows that they are the neighborhood 'reformed' pervert.

I don't have problems when people talk about these legitimate problems in the church because, quite frankly, the church has been driving Christians (like myself) out of the church for years. So, I'm there with you. I have problems with the church too.

I really just don't like it when we all get stereotyped with the same broad brush. For a lot of the bad that comes out of the church - a lot of good also comes out of the church. However, nobody seems to want to recognize the legitimate social services that these institutions provide to the less fortunate. What's going to happen to all of these people if the church is forced to pull out of this area of service? What's going to happen if religious institutions just stop providing social services to their faith community/communities at-large?

We need to remember that before we came here - we chose our parents. We chose the circumstances and time that we'd be born into. We were allowed this choice for our spiritual growth. I know, it doesn't sound very comforting, but from that perspective, we chose challenging circumstances to overcome and really shouldn't get into blaming our parents for doing what they did because they are on a journey as well. (Damn you - Dr. Newton!) I read somewhere the people who bring you the most frustration are likely to be your most valuable teachers.

We also need to remember that there are scenarios where society could be organized in worse ways. 1984? Anyone?

I feel like my thoughts weren't well organized, so I apologize for bouncing around here and there......just a lot of ideas and not knowing how to make coherent transitions in the time constraints I currently have.

[mountain_jim]

I think you made the points well, kcbc2010.

My partner's parents' church is very much an example of that - a community resource that brings folks together, helps folks in need, helps feed from a church community garden, all the positive things that Jesus reportedly taught. And yet still allows individuals the freedom to decide for themselves what to believe.

I do understand how what I experienced growing up, which was much different that the above, was the catalyst I needed to start me on my own appropriate path to (higher) self discovery.

And has no doubt helped to make me an extremely individualistic outlier who prefers to 'worship' in nature, alone, while recognizing there are an infinite number of appropriate paths with 'heart' for each unique soul.

So if it appears or appeared I was 'ragging' on all aspects of christian fellowship, then I apologize and admit I have my own issues which color my views in that area perhaps still to work on.

[Finefeather]

Isn't life just so beautiful !

It takes you around the block, into the dark, through the river, over the hill, past the truth, up the mountain, and into the light.
Live and learn, our greatest moment awaits us.
Love to All :happy:

[Agape]

Never give up . You're healthy from deep inside . The malady of yours is temporary and it's someway treatable,
I'd recommend you to find some quiet spot in nature ..and I'm sure you will be getting better fast .

These are sort of traumatic civilisation diseases , they are caused by stress a big way .
Triggers to it are attached to clue life changes in your childhood and what kind of education we receive, that includes religious and spiritual education if any such is available .
Generally, children who were taught religion in young age seem to be better equipped mentally to cope with serious life events in future , even if they do not see themselves later as 'religious' .

It simply ensures that the childs mind is open to the possibility ... and it seems to be totally unimportant what sort of religion ( counting the main ones ) was taught , neither it clearly defines what kind of faith if any will the child pursue in future .


Many prayers ..



:love:

[Feren]

There is a philosophical issue: waht does it mean to find truth?
For me, it means nothing, but for you it could mean a lot. If you say that we are all looking for truth, it is only ignorance speaking, because for many people, a.k.a. skeptics, truth is only something provisional.
What you call true is what fit in your set of values. Even trees have their truths and their values. You call truth waht is acceptable by your limited consciousness, but it means nothing.
I'm not the first one who says this; you can read it in Nietzsche, James, Dewey. Truth is only what fits. No one should kill or be killed because of truth.
It is easy to understand and/or accept if you recognize that your particular point of view is insignificant, only one among many others. Yours is not a privileged perspective.
Neither is mine, of course.

[Carmody]

To illustrate my point:

http://showstudio.com/img/products/401-600/447_320n.jpg?1334594228

that... reminds me of ...this:

Jim Burns, Planet Story (http://lcart3.narod.ru/image/fantasy/jim_burns/jim_burns_planet_story-colonel_kylling.jpg) (Artwork) (http://lcart3.narod.ru/image/fantasy/jim_burns/1.htm)

[loc333]

do no harm to others.

[Carmody]

All of this is rooted in how I was brought up. I was raised a Christian and went to church every Sunday for 18 years (was not optional). I also went to a Christian school from elementary through middle school. One of our classes was a Bible study class. All the adults around me, teachers, preachers, youth councilors, everybody encouraged me to follow this religion. It really was brainwashing.




the Bible do not brainwash

but give an accurate account of God our origin history and destiny


close the Book

and you got a thousand theories

to fall for

Right.

Not so fast.

I know a man who lives by that bible, and has killed hundred and hundreds.

rekuWIKr55A

A little bit of squirmy truth for the US bible belt:

The US settlements where originally populated by religious extremists who where shipped out of other countries as dangerous undesirables.

The genetics still remain, regarding wiring - tendency toward and capacity within.

Such narrow vision makes for blinkered people, who are easily controllable.

http://saptapper.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/manwithblinders.jpg

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” -Mark Twain

Majority thinking is often “stinkin thinkin” because the curse of conventional knowledge involves the inability to entertain a fresh or opposing perspective. In business circles, it is known as “group think.” Group think exists in a board room full of “yes” people. Seldom do great game changer ideas emerge when everyone is thinking the same way. Being part of the majority often comes with its own personalized pair of horse blinders. The challenge goes something like this: “When a idea becomes a habit, it stops sparking thought.” (http://saptapper.com/2011/on-being-a-yes-man/)

[Rocky_Shorz]

Never give up . You're healthy from deep inside . The malady of yours is temporary and it's someway treatable,
I'd recommend you to find some quiet spot in nature ..and I'm sure you will be getting better fast .

These are sort of traumatic civilisation diseases , they are caused by stress a big way .
Triggers to it are attached to clue life changes in your childhood and what kind of education we receive, that includes religious and spiritual education if any such is available .
Generally, children who were taught religion in young age seem to be better equipped mentally to cope with serious life events in future , even if they do not see themselves later as 'religious' .

It simply ensures that the childs mind is open to the possibility ... and it seems to be totally unimportant what sort of religion ( counting the main ones ) was taught , neither it clearly defines what kind of faith if any will the child pursue in future .


Many prayers ..



:love:

wow, long time no see, welcome back...

[Arrowwind]

consider changing that moto from "Trust No One" to "Trust Your Gut"

I trust evenyone to be exactly who they are
and I trust my intuition and move on that.
That is my pathway to freedom

even if you are "wrong", wrong about any given thing, if yoiu follow your gut into and out of it; what ever it is, it is exactly where you need to be to find your own self.

Here's an idea.

now that you have spoken your truth about what has been wrong about your life, consider listing all of what is good, starting way back in childhood, all of it, even silly stuff like your favorite blanket, a supportive smile from someone, your first shot of whiskey, your escape from church, a parent who chose to look the other way, all the way through school and to where you are now. Include all those good things about yourself and those around you when you were starting to ask questions. Looking at was good and true about one's existence during the hard times can be as revealing as all the untrue.

[shadowstalker]

I often think of myself as Avalon's most skeptic member. My skepticism can really irk people. It's not that I try to stir the pot, it's that I physically can not believe anyone anymore without seeing something with my own eyes.

All of this is rooted in how I was brought up. I was raised a Christian and went to church every Sunday for 18 years (was not optional). I also went to a Christian school from elementary through middle school. One of our classes was a Bible study class. All the adults around me, teachers, preachers, youth councilors, everybody encouraged me to follow this religion. It really was brainwashing.

If I got in trouble, I would be shunned to some extent. Nothing too bad, but it sucks when you're a self conscious kid if the adults shun you. I would do my best to be a good person in the faith. I studied the Bible often and I prayed every night before bed.

I was even 'Confirmed' in the Lutheran faith in front of the entire congregation, something I was proud of at the time.

It was around my mid teens when I started asking questions and getting questionable answers. I remember the first one: I asked if I would be a Christian if I were to be born in another country, specifically a Muslim one. Any adult I asked would dodge the question. When I did get an answer, it was a cop-out answer.


---------------

When I turned 16 years old, I literally woke up one day to discover I had juvenile myoclonic epilepsy (JME). I had no previous health problems and a clean bill of health. I even played sports and stayed in shape. You know what that does to a 16 year old? Waking up and your body is randomly twitching with out your control. It sucks.

At the same time, I noticed I began getting excruciating headaches. I went to the neurologist and right away was diagnosed with cluster headaches (CH), literally considered the most painful medical condition in medical science. There were times in the midst of a CH where I literally was screaming at the top of my lungs for God to help me. It never worked. Ever.... Ever.

At this point I seriously started reviewing my belief system. I don't think folks understand how hard this is to do for someone that is deeply rooted in a religion. Literally, the very thought of it all being fake was a thought to be avoided like the plague. And if you did think those thoughts, you kept it to yourself and didn't ask anyone's opinion.

When I turned 18 years old my parents stopped forcing me to go to church. I still considered myself a Christian though, all the way till about 21. I discovered the Bible (the word of God himself) had been edited multiple times (which I was told was impossible), and I read the Hiram Key. At this point there was no turning back.

For the first time in my life, I was diving head first into the other side of the discussion and most importantly; I did it with an open mind. What I was doing (although unaware of it) was gaining knowledge, which is power, which requires responsibility. I had to find out truth or at least as much as I could. One day I'll have kids, and I'm gonna level with them. It is my responsibility to find truth and pass it on to them.


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So now maybe y'all will see why I can't believe a damn word anyone says. My parents (who ARE fantastic, loving, intelligent, parents) were wrong about the biggest picture of all. I just can't believe them anymore. If I can't believe them, who I know better than anyone else in this world, then how can I believe what anybody says?

I don't 'believe' anymore. My brain is like a computer at this point; I take in information and store it. So if someone says they witnessed a UFO, I'll store their report in my mind and look for consistencies in other reports. That is what makes Camelot/Avalon such a powerful tool and that is why I am here. I can compare Leer to Burisch (still get goosebumps from that one) to whomever I want.

So if you see me throwing up the b.s. flag, it's because I've been b.s.'ed almost my entire life by people I looked up to. Never again my friends, never again.

Dude your doin just fine
Do what ye will......Harm none.
you are going through what alot of folks are going through..it is meant to be...
Before you where born you chose to live the lie.... to understand a truth And you will learn many more Truths before you leave this plain..
You have a long interesting journey ahead of you.
Just keep an open mind, that is to say don't hold back any opportunity, to hear many sides of the big story unfolding before you...