The Death of Idealism: A Personal Story

[Lazlo]

Many years ago, when I was much more idealistic and less cynical than I am today, I decided that I wanted to live a life of meaning. I wanted to act out my convictions and mold myself into the type of person who could die with a clean conscience.

First, I had to decide what to believe, so that I could have a firm foundation upon which to build and act.

This led me down the path of spiritual investigation. I voraciously read everything I could get my hands on, but nothing seemed to be completely satisfying. All of the important treatises from the great traditions led me to believe that there was indeed something going on, but they were all lacking in the ability to speak directly to me. All were wrapped up in the assumptions and cultural contrivances of the time and place in which they were penned. Then I had a transcendent experience. This truly changed me in every way that matters. But this is a separate story and not the main thrust of this thread.

So now I had a foundation upon which to build. A plan of action was required.

I asked myself, what are the biggest issues which face humanity and where can my focus and intention be best applied?

Social justice? Good luck doing anything to truly change the plight of the oppressed as a single voice in the wilderness. You can march around carrying banners all day and people are no better off.

Nuclear disarmament and world peace? Economic equality? The environment?

Eureka! The environment, that's the one. Now how to start.

Reading, reading, and more reading. Rachel Carson made a difference. CFCs and the ozone layer. Acid rain. The endagered species act. Flaming rivers and the EPA. By God, we were making progress and things really could get better.

Global warming was to be the great challenge and opportunity of our generation.

I chose to believe in and act upon those convictions. Still, you do have to feed yourself after all. I found an industry that embraced the values of a clean environment, was vitally dependent upon a stable environment, and was fun to boot. The ski industry. The pay was awful, but you made up for it in lifestyle and the views. Phase I complete: I could feel good about how I made my living.

Phase II: Get off the grid. I found some cheap land, bought a chainsaw, and went to work. Three years later (another long story for another time) I was living in an off the grid cabin that I built myself using local and recycled materials. No debt, so I wasn't a slave to the banks.

Phase III: Live out my life with a sense of moral satisfaction and devote my energies to spreading the gospel of living a carbon neutral life. Well...not exactly. Universe has a strange way of pushing us around.

Met a girl, fell in love, children on the way. The cabin just wasn't going to cut it. OK, so re-evaluate. What next? Met a guy in a bar and the next thing you know I'm working for a large multi-national renewable energy company that has the resources to REALLY make a difference.

Fast forward several years. I currently am in charge of keeping the electrons flowing for a solar portfolio that provides ALL of the energy requirements of a city of over 100,000 people. That should double in the next nine months. Not bad, now we are really starting to make a difference. Except...

There are no tie-dyes and Birkenstocks. No rainbows and butterflies. This is power ties and wingtips. Banks. Debt Ratios. Bankruptcies. Mergers and Acquisitions. Contract disputes. Cheap Chinese modules with a nightmarish environmental scorecard. Heavy metal pollution from copper mining. And oh yes, how could I forget, carbon trading.

To make it worse, I'm not sure I even believe the climate change story anymore, at least not how it's sold to the masses by the mainstream media. Notice that it is climate change now and not global warming. If you re-read the old IPCC reports, dozens of island nations were supposed to be underwater by now. Even James Lovelock, creater of the Gaia hypothesis admits that he had it wrong, and oops, scare mongering may have backfired. Hide the sausage and flaunt the hockey stick. Climategate. Every iteration of the climate change models moves the targets around, except that they all fail to accurately predict current conditions, so how do we trust them to accurately depict the future? Cosmic rays affect cloud formation. Cloud formation is the primary driver in climate modelling, except it's too chaotic to model. Noise and confusion reign.

Am I going to give up and go work for Goldman Sachs or Monsanto? Of course not.

But damn....it wasn't supposed to feel like this. I wouldn't describe it as cognitive dissonance, but what should have been exceptionally morally satisfying instead feels very tawdry.

Any one else out there have a similar story? How do you reconcile idealism, conviction, and reality?

[Mike]

i don't think they're mutually exclusive, mate - idealism, conviction and reality. they all sort of blend in a bit of a mishmash.

it's a balance, and that balance is always in flux; but no matter how compromised we feel, we *must* always keep that flame alive..that little bit of ember. i feel like i'm compromising myself by going to work everyday...but it's a reality that i have to acknowledge. but i balance this reality by engaging thoughts and activities that are consistent with what i feel is my sense of integrity. this way i avoid becoming "matrix" centered.

if we think with an "all or nothing" mind-set, we become paralyzed, ie..if i can't live off the grid and put the pharmeceutical cabals out of business and i can't prevent chemtrails than what's the point? our thinking must be nuanced..and our thoughts and actions monitored closely moment to moment to prevent a certain pessimism from taking over.

certain realities must be acknowledged...but not necessarily accepted.

[Lazlo]

i don't think they're mutually exclusive, mate - idealism, conviction and reality. they all sort of blend in a bit of a mishmash.

it's a balance, and that balance is always in flux; but no matter how compromised we feel, we *must* always keep that flame alive..that little bit of ember. i feel like i'm compromising myself by going to work everyday...but it's a reality that i have to acknowledge. but i balance this reality by engaging thoughts and activities that are consistent with what i feel is my sense of integrity. this way i avoid becoming "matrix" centered.

if we think with an "all or nothing" mind-set, we become paralyzed, ie..if i can't live off the grid and put the pharmeceutical cabals out of business and i can't prevent chemtrails than what's the point? our thinking must be nuanced..and our thoughts and actions monitored closely moment to moment to prevent a certain pessimism from taking over.

certain realities must be acknowledged...but not necessarily accepted.

Thanks for the thoughtful response. I suppose that this is more of an existential question for me as opposed to a practical one. I feel that as a society, we admire the man of uncompromising principle, and that is a standard that we aspire to. Perhaps what bothers me is that it is an unattainable goal if you are going to have balance in life. One could martyr themselves at the feet of tyranny, but leave behind fatherless children. This in itself would then be a compromise of principles, for how could you protect and nurture your children then?

Perhaps the notion of a pure idealism is best reserved for the naivete of youth and literary protagonists.

I see that you could make your way through life in two ways following this train of thought:

You can set your standards low and attain them easily without any existential angst.

Or, you can set your standards unachievably high, and deal with the frustration of never completely measuring up.

Perhaps the old adage, ignorance is bliss, is a wiser statement than we typically give it credit for.