How to understand what a person is saying

[Rich]

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Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is based on the principles of nonviolence-- the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart.
NVC begins by assuming that we are all compassionate by nature and that violent strategies—whether verbal or physical—are learned behaviors taught and supported by the prevailing culture. NVC also assumes that we all share the same, basic human needs, and that each of our actions are a strategy to meet one or more of these needs.
People who practice NVC have found greater authenticity in their communication, increased understanding, deepening connection and conflict resolution.
Source: http://www.cnvc.org (www.cnvc.org)



Even thou I have limited experience with it, just knowing what to look for has helped me,
I do apply it when I can think of the right words to say.
I don't think I have ever seen a more honest and effective way of communicating (in language).

It is a very practical approach but only possible to apply when one has
some empathy and humility (more so if one wants to make full use of it).

It is based on the understanding that a person can only say ''please'' or ''thank you''.
ACIM explains it as: your brother either expressing the Love that he Is or asking for that Love.

Basically it's a method to look beneath the words of a person, to see what
they are feeling, and what they are requesting from you, without putting blame on anyone.
It gives you a way to see that you are never attacked by someone no
matter what they say to you.

If you are interested I would recommend the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361787191&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+communication

[Rich]

1. Observations

We express ourselves in a way that invites others to hear us. We do this by separating observations from evaluations. We attempt to refrain from making evaluations, diagnosis, judgments, and criticisms of others. We try to express only what is said or done; equivalent to what a camera can see.

For example:

Evaluation: You are lazy

Observation: When I see that you have been watching TV for the last 4 hours...


2. Feelings

Feelings are a guidance system pointing out when our needs are met or when they are not met. When expressing a feeling, we actually insert a feeling word after the word "feel". (i.e. I feel sad.) We may have a habit of using the word "feel" without expressing a feeling. When we use the word "feel" followed by "like", "that", "I", "you", "he", "she", "they", "it", "as if", feelings are not usually expressed. As we increase our vocabulary of feelings and are able to express them, it can be easier to connect more deeply with others.

When we differentiate between thinking and internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism or blame/punishment, we take responsibility for our feelings.

For example:

Thought: I feel that you don't care for me.

Feeling: When I see that you have been watching TV for the last 4 hours, I feel sad.


3. Needs

We connect with the universal human needs in us that we are trying to meet when we are saying or doing something. By increasing our vocabulary of needs and bringing them into our conscious awareness, we are more able to express what we want and therefore increase the likelihood of getting our needs met.

We accept responsibility for our feelings by expressing needs that were met or not met. This can create an invitation for others to respond compassionately to our needs.

For example:

Not taking responsibility: You are neglecting me.

Expressing our needs: When I see that you have been watching TV for the last 4 hours, I feel sad because I have a need for support.


4. Requests

We have a habit of saying something without asking for what we want. We expect others to guess our needs and then get upset when they are our not met. Therefore after expressing our feelings and needs, it is important to make a request of ourselves or of the other. When making a request, make it specific, positive, doable and in the present moment.

For example:

Not specific: Can you help around the house?

A specific request: Would you be willing to wash the dishes after the football game tonight?

Source: http://www.connectioniskey.com/keystononviolentcommunication.html