Home Funerals are Still Alive

[turiya]

On occasion, the work that I do can cause me to work late & to get up early, leaving me to work on just a few hours of sleep. Normally, I can catch up on the lost sleep by taking a nap sometime during the midday.

A few weeks ago, I was enjoying one of these midday naps, when I felt something touch my forehead. It caused me to wake up. I looked around to see what it was. Nothing there. Wondering what it was, I went to find where my partner was, the woman I live with, and asked her if she had just came & touched me on my forehead.

She told me that she just came in to check to see what I was doing, saw that I was laid out in an odd position, and couldn't tell if I was breathing or not, so she placed her finger on my forehead to feel my temperature - to see if my body was warm or cold.

Realizing that she thought that I might have been dead, I got to chuckling over the idea a bit, but she then posed the question: "What if you were dead? Then what? What would I do if you were dead? What to do? Who would I call?"

Well, I remember some time ago, I wrote her out a letter explaining to her what to do in the case I were ever to be incapacitated and/or found to be in an unconscious state. So, I asked her to get that letter so I could have a look at it. Of course, after going over the letter, it was written as a 'living will'. It did not have any instructions as to what to do with my body if I were actually dead. Understandably, being that she is Japanese, she really doesn't know what is the correct thing to do here in the U.S.

So, this set in motion my next little project... to lay out a step by step procedure for her to follow for, if & when, that day were to ever come. Later that day, I picked up a client, a Jamaican woman, that works at a local hospice. I told her the story of being touched on my forehead, and then got into a good conversation about what her experience is with dealing with dead bodies. "Oh, honey, I have dealt with hundreds. And you can call on me anytime." And will most definitely put her name on my list of people to contact. An absolutely beautiful woman.

After that, I got home and did some internet searches, I found a website in the area & youtube video that then lead me to attending my first 'Death Cafe'. What's a 'Death Cafe'?

Now, just to be more clear, there is no coffee shop cafe that has the name of "Death Cafe", the woman who hosts this event merely selects a place of business, a coffee shop, that serves coffee, cakes & pastries. This is the place that has been selected to where people will come to drink coffee, eat cake & talk about the "tabooed" subject of death, home funerals & green burials.

So, this is what brings me to writing the OP to kick off this thread.

First, I would like to post a very good Japanese movie that I watched with my partner almost a year ago. Its a very good film that shows, unlike here in America, that 'home funerals' are still very much part of the culture there in Japan. The name of the movie is called Departures and I found it listed as a youtube video which I have posted below:
Depatures

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y2ppEqV758

My search also brought me to the website local to where I live by a woman that offers consultation services to people who are interested in having a home funeral of there own or for a loved one. She also gives consultations for people that want to have what is called a "green burial". She's the same person that hosts the 'Death Cafe'. She also gives lectures on the subject. One she will be giving tonight at one of the local school districts. I will be going there as soon as I finish this post.

Here's a youtube that is related to her website:
Home Funeral Discussed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaVJfJsflP0

While arriving at my first 'Death Cafe', I found that there were about 12 people that were already assembled there for the purposes of eating cake & talking about death. Someone had mentioned the fact that NPR (National Public Radio) had a piece on it just the day before. Twenty minutes later, a woman came in and apologized for being late, explaining that the traffic coming out of Chicago was a bit congested due to the weather.

Now, Chicago was a five hour drive to come to where this meeting was taking place. Turns out, she would like to try to make a business out of consulting people on home funerals. As there are no 'Death Cafes' being held in the city of Chicago (at least not as yet).

As the meeting proceeded, we discussed several topics surrounding the subject of death. One of which was that most people have a difficulty in discussing Death. Its as though the subject matter is one that people are afraid to talk about. And I think that our culture has grown through the generations to distance itself from recognizing that death is an essential part of life. Consider the fact that years ago homes were built with attached parlors where home funeral events would be held for family members. Over the years, funeral parlors came into existence with the increase in business providing funeral services for the public. Parlors (death room) were seemingly replaced with what are now called 'living rooms'.

Embalming came in big with the number of soldiers that had died during the American Civil War, to help preserve the bodies for the purpose of being transported back to their families. Embalming involves injecting the body with toxic chemicals, that will later go into the environment as the body decomposes. I have found that there are some cemeteries in the State that cater to those that want to have what are called "green burials".

Some other things to think about: http://curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=2047031

Anyways, I find that this is a good meditation to involve oneself in. I see that it will also help me in knowing what to do if I am not the first one to go.

Cheers - turiya :cool:

[Lefty Dave]

Interesting...
A friends' son passed last week...he lived here in Florida, and my friend in Tenn...they embalmed the man and sent him up to his father in Tenn...$7,500...and he wasn't even in the ground yet...madness. When I'm getting near the end, I'll build me a pyre in the back of my 1/2 acre...fit a 30 minute fuse to it, take a dozen oxy's and adios !!! Death is a promotion. Think not? Where did the bible's god send his right hand man and a third of the angels when they mutinied? Here, Earth...a demotion.
Anyway, I like the home funeral idea...and I thank you for posting. Blessings.

[Samsara]

Having cared for the body of a soul who had just transitioned, I know how sacred it is. I am drawn to this work, which does not make me very popular. LOL... I wish I had known what I have since learned when my mom and dad passed, but I recognize that they have prepared a path for me which keeps on growing. Ritual is very important at the time of death.

A very sick woman I met when creating a garden last summer wanted to help. She planted an echinacea who bloomed all summer long. In the fall, I met her again at the palliative home where I volunteer. She had changed a lot and was getting ready because all her family and friends were coming over for a concert given in her honour, to celebrate her life and her coming transition. That was the last time I saw her, surrounded by her loved ones, listening to the music she loved. She passed two days later. I know her loved ones will always remember this celebration. I will also always remember her when I tend the garden, especially when I see the flowers blooming on that echinacea plant.

Thank you for posting on this important subject. It gives me food for thought and helps me expand my vision.

[turiya]

Interesting...
A friends' son passed last week...he lived here in Florida, and my friend in Tenn...they embalmed the man and sent him up to his father in Tenn...$7,500...and he wasn't even in the ground yet...madness. When I'm getting near the end, I'll build me a pyre in the back of my 1/2 acre...fit a 30 minute fuse to it, take a dozen oxy's and adios !!! Death is a promotion. Think not? Where did the bible's god send his right hand man and a third of the angels when they mutinied? Here, Earth...a demotion.
Anyway, I like the home funeral idea...and I thank you for posting. Blessings.

The government makes it quite difficult for one to live and it makes it difficult for one to die, as well. The more I look into the matter, the more it becomes quite clear. It has very much to do with the ongoing exploitation - the amount of money that is made off of each & every man, woman & child - they are going to take it from you right up to the very endpoint. No freedom to be found coming into this world, expect no freedom to leave this world.

Funny, after attending the lecture tonight, I found that much of what you wrote about in the way of building a funeral pyre in your backyard is still quite legal. You can even designate an area on your property to be buried in. No need to tell the county before you do it, cuz they will probably say no you can't, you can let them know about it after the fact - then there is nothing they can do about it.

Anyways, I am finding it an interesting subject to find out its about.
Thanks for the reply.

turiya

[Snookie]

That's why the mob invested in funeral businesses...it's a sure thing.

My better half and I have out in our wills that we would like to be cremated. It is still cheaper than being buried.

[turiya]

Having cared for the body of a soul who had just transitioned, I know how sacred it is. I am drawn to this work, which does not make me very popular. LOL... I wish I had known what I have since learned when my mom and dad passed, but I recognize that they have prepared a path for me which keeps on growing. Ritual is very important at the time of death.

A very sick woman I met when creating a garden last summer wanted to help. She planted an echinacea who bloomed all summer long. In the fall, I met her again at the palliative home where I volunteer. She had changed a lot and was getting ready because all her family and friends were coming over for a concert given in her honour, to celebrate her life and her coming transition. That was the last time I saw her, surrounded by her loved ones, listening to the music she loved. She passed two days later. I know her loved ones will always remember this celebration. I will also always remember her when I tend the garden, especially when I see the flowers blooming on that echinacea plant.

Thank you for posting on this important subject. It gives me food for thought and helps me expand my vision.

Samsara - to be in the world, and yet, not of it.
There is a sense that I have, that if one pays close enough attention to one's self, to one's body, if one remains keenly alert & a silent sensitivity... one will be able to hear what it is saying, it can tell you when the endpoint is coming...

For the most part, death is something that happens to others. With that kind of thinking, death remains at a good distance from oneself. It lay off in a distant future moment. Not here... not now... not in this moment.
But the truth of the matter is that death is always close... very close, indeed. And it comes & takes you away at a time when you least expect it. When one is caught up with so many things yet to do, so many goals yet to be reached, so many plans that still remain incomplete. And then it comes... when one is right in the middle of doing something. It comes...
Death is an integral part of living life.

When my mother was coming close to her time, every time I would go to see her, I felt so helpless. I felt there was nothing that I could do for her, to make her have an easier time, with her painful situation. The only thing I could do was be there. And I suppose she let me know that being there, in itself, was enough for her. I remember her face lit up like a Christmas tree when I would walk into her room... just a glowing smile. That showed me that I really didn't have to do anything... just being there... was enough for her.

And each time was an amazing encounter... whenever I gazed upon her, laying there, I realized I was not only looking upon her but also upon my own future. Looking at her, I was looking at my self... at a future moment. And how poignant those moments were, and still are to this day...

I became aware that there are really two worlds that we live in. One is the world of paying bills, making ends meet, keeping a job.
And the other world, the more important world... the one in which involve people... how you are in relating to others that you share this world with.

Thanks for your response.
turiya

[turiya]

That's why the mob invested in funeral businesses...it's a sure thing.

My better half and I have out in our wills that we would like to be cremated. It is still cheaper than being buried.

Hey Snookie.
Yes, I am with you. I would like to go out in a blaze of glory myself.

I don't know anything about the laws in Canada, or in other States, as well. But in the State that I live in, burial is the default mode that funeral homes will go to (no special forms to fill out). I remember when my youngest sister passed unexpectedly a few years ago, everyone in the family knew she wanted to be cremated. But since it was never written out in a last will & testament, the funeral home was unable to proceed with a cremation until the next of kin signed a State form.

Now, the next of kin was my father, who was living in a Southern State. Things got to be a little bit dicey, as my middle sister, who had the Medical Power of Attorney (MPOA), refused to let my father & my two oldest brothers visit my youngest sister when she was in the hospital just prior to her death. So, there was a potential for it becoming a real mess (unknowingly created by my middle sister), as the funeral would have to keep her in cold storage until the situation was resolved. But as it went, things turned out in a good way, as my father was very helpful when he received the form that was faxed to him - he signed it and faxed it right back to the funeral home. The cremation proceeded quickly after that.

That was the first cremation that I had attended. I had to go to the funeral home directly to find out where the crematorium was located. As that information was not available normally - at least my middle sister never thought that anybody would be wanting to go there to witness the event.

From the meeting I attended tonight, I found that if you don't have a family doctor that would be willing to sign a death certificate, or the person wasn't in hospice, it means you have to have the body taken to a hospital to have a doctor sign the death document. Many hospitals will send out an EMS crew (ambulance), and they will go through a procedure to attempt to resuscitate the body, which I understand can be an alarming thing to see being performed on a loved one that you personally know has already passed away. The only way to avoid the resuscitation procedure is to have what is called an Advanced Directive that has already been signed & notarized to show the EMS people, which states that there is a 'no resuscitation' order on the document.

Like I said before - they don't make it easy for anybody to leave this world.
Once they got you, they don't want to let you go.

turiya :cool:

[sheme]

When my hubby left this earthly realm I found his empty shell on the drive, it was getting dark. it was boxing day. it was lonely, it was hopeless, I was surprised how angry I felt. Disbelieving and incredibly sad, I knew he had passed away.

Long and short of it. After enquiries to the council and deciding where to place the remains, I dug a hole with the help of a neighbour.

I had the funeral home place his body in a cardboard box coffin-friends and family arrived and we placed the box in the ground with a time capsule and a little teal that had also died the day of his funeral.

We drank scotch and ate chocolates, played a march to the grave, I handed out spades and we filled in the rest of the hole , we all said our goodbyes .

I have watched the trees grow up around the spot and now the spot is lost in the woodland just as it should be.

A very therapeutic thing to do I can recommend it.

[HaulinBananas]

Thank you for a very important discussion topic. I also want to warmly second the recommendation of the movie above "Departures" - also available on Netflix if you don't want to download a whole movie if you have to pay for extra GB usage. It is fiction, not a documentary, however it depicts the Japanese tradition of home funerals and the importance of the quiet respectful ceremonial departure. It's an excellent movie. No car crashes, explosions, sex or violence, just one of those movies where you get some insight into life and death.

I also want to express my appreciation for the discussion of home funerals and burials and links to further research sources.

[turiya]

When my hubby left this earthly realm I found his empty shell on the drive, it was getting dark. it was boxing day. it was lonely, it was hopeless, I was surprised how angry I felt. Disbelieving and incredibly sad, I knew he had passed away.

Long and short of it. After enquiries to the council and deciding where to place the remains, I dug a hole with the help of a neighbour.

I had the funeral home place his body in a cardboard box coffin-friends and family arrived and we placed the box in the ground with a time capsule and a little teal that had also died the day of his funeral.

We drank scotch and ate chocolates, played a march to the grave, I handed out spades and we filled in the rest of the hole , we all said our goodbyes .
I have watched the trees grow up around the spot and now the spot is lost in the woodland just as it should be.
A very therapeutic thing to do I can recommend it.

Wow, sheme, thank you so much for sharing this experience.
That is the closest thing to a "green burial" than I have heard thus far.

The eye opening continues to happen for me, as I also wasn't aware that it is certainly possible to avoid the expensive caskets made of walnut, oak, or other costly exotic hardwoods. There is absolutely no need to be so extravagant, though. I understand that some people use nothing more than a shroud. A shroud can be any material that wraps the body - anywhere from the most expensive velvet to something as simple as a bed sheet.

Since moving on this path, I have found that there is a funeral home in a town a few miles to the west of where I live. The funeral director there is very much open to helping people that want to have home funerals along with a natural kind of burial.
Got his name on my list of people to go talk to at some point.

I have also found out that there are cemeteries that have allotted a section of their grounds to those that want to have "green burials", i.e. without toxic chemicals added to the body, no lawn mowers, or weed-whackers going over the grave sites.
One cemetery in particular will plant a tree over the burial site as a kind of grave marker. So over time, as the tree grows & the body decomposes, the tree will eventually be all that is left as it, over time, absorb the remains of the loved one. It would be kind of a cool grave marker to leave behind - one can go & give the tree a good hug every now & again for whenever the time came up to memorialize the passing of the loved one.

Literally, the most 'green' type of burial I could think of.

cheers to you, sheme - & good on ya..
turiya

P.S. Here's a short Icelandic film of how one man took care of the burial of his loved one... please note: its good to keep a good sense of humor regarding this subject of death.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oh7sQ4hPnyk

[sheme]

My hubbies funeral cost £300 pounds.

I didn't feel I could follow his actual wishes for disposal- we spoke of it many times. He had wanted should he go before me to be strapped to the back of his truck with two fingers in the air, and I was supposed to drive around town, then dump the body on the compost heap.

I knew he would understand if I didn't actually do as he wished, it would have been far to upsetting.

The land he was buried in was his own a little bit of England forever occupied .

Sort out the rules with your local authority before you even get sick.

Here, in UK there has to be a death certificate.

The landowners permission.

A hole large enough to take the coffin with a metre of earth over it, and not near a water course.

The hole had to be inspected by the building regulations officer to make sure it was suitable, he just happened to be a friend of the undertaker and as it was Still holiday he got the undertaker to check the hole out on delivery.

I took great pride in the professionalism of the whole day - I had thought of every thing even getting the measurements of the coffin from the undertaker to make sure it wouldn't jamb as we lowered it, I made a former from batten and did a dummy run.

I provided tressels with scaffold planks for the cardboard coffin, next to the hole. plus rope three lengths for the six volunteers to help lower the coffin they where thrown in after. and six spades begged and borrowed to fill the hole.

The undertakers just delivered the coffin on to the tressels and left as I wished the coffin was a simple rectangle so i had to ask which way the head end was.

At first his older brother spoke to me on the phone and suggested it would be undignified, I told him to butt out as it was my hubbies day not his or mine and it was the last thing I could do for him.

A local councillor that had been invited said she couldn't possibly come as it was unconsecrated ground. I was delighted she stayed away, as far as I was concerned, my hubbies body consecrated the all ready consecrated ground of Mother Earth.

All about vibrations hers were lower than the occasion so she could not attend.

I mention this stuff now as you may get objections - talk about your wishes to the folks that count, then if you pass -they can support your wishes what ever they may be.

We had no religious representative at the funeral. I hope this helps.

[turiya]

In another forum, an 80+ year-old poster has written the following:


I'm in my 80s and have already made my wishes known to my family on my demise. My church doesn't do "funerals" but they do memorial services which is what I'll have and it will be in an open log shelter on the beach. I have a love of the salt water and my city is on a bay and my ashes will be scattered on the water to rest in the realm that I adore.

Many Americans are breaking with tradition on several fronts. That's what the national political antagonism is all about. It's about spirit changing the face of the planet.

Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living who in the American society are scared sh*tless of dying.

Yes, in India I was at an ashram where they treated death as a time of great celebration. It was an event that people would look forward to attending. There were musicians, artists, music & dancing, it was an incredible way to send the individual off into the great beyond that lies ahead.
Its something I can see happening for a future humanity. We can be the generation that can make future deaths the ultimate crescendo in living life. A time of great enjoyment, and not so much of sadness.

In this regard, I post the following Robert Duvall interview clip of a recent film he played a part in making.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FufF2Q5RhOI

I would have to add: If one is afraid of dying, one will also be afraid of living. Because the two come together, they are on opposite sides of the same coin, you can't have one without the other.

Cheers - turiya

[Mercedes]

Yes, it's a better choice than coming back and visiting your body and seeing how it slowly decomposes (I mean in case you do come and visit, just for curiosity, ha ha)
Cremating, that is.

[sheme]

once you leave this realm you see mortal remains for what they are- just a disposal problem. I feel no attachment to my husbands grave at all, I recall the spirit of the man not the carapace.

[turiya]

From the meeting I attended tonight, I found that if you don't have a family doctor that would be willing to sign a death certificate, or the person wasn't in hospice, it means you have to have the body taken to a hospital to have a doctor sign the death document. Most, if not all, hospitals will more than likely send out an EMS crew (ambulance), and they will go through a procedure to attempt to resuscitate the body, which I understand can be an alarming thing to watch being performed on a loved one that you personally know has already passed away. The only way to avoid the resuscitation procedure is to have what is called an Advanced Directive that has already been signed & notarized to show the EMS people, which states that there is a 'no resuscitation' order on the document.

So then, the question naturally arises:

Suppose you are not at home when death comes a-calling?
And so, its not very realistic to carry around a notarized document, i.e. an "Advanced Directive", to show the ambulance guys that the individual they have come to service doesn't want to go have a resuscitation procedure performed on him, so then what?

Get a tattoo
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_DW_dyBBaOTQ/SHjhJ69sYiI/AAAAAAAABV8/1kLpoYLXVZU/s400/dnr-frances-polack.jpg

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0TxiQLW8vbw/T_ZbFhtduYI/AAAAAAAAQDc/-yP8p7_U3BQ/s1600/k.jpg
In this photo taken Sept. 29, 2011, Kansas City, Mo. pathologist Dr. Ed Friedlander displays his tattoo with a medical directive to not use CPR. Friedlander is among a growing number of people who are getting tattoos that tell doctors and first responders about their medical concerns, from chronic conditions like diabetes and asthma to allergies and more.

The Associated Press
Published Monday, Feb. 27, 2012 10:32AM EST

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - Tattoos have long served as fashion statements, but a small number of Americans are now relying on them for a more practical, potentially lifesaving purpose: to warn first responders about important medical conditions.

Some medical tattoos are being used to take the place of bracelets that commonly list a person's allergies, chronic diseases or even end-of-life wishes.

"Bracelets are nice, but something as strong as a tattoo ... that is a strong statement," said Dr. Ed Friedlander, a Kansas City pathologist who has "No CPR" tattooed in the center of his chest, where a paramedic would see it.

Friedlander, 60, got the tattoo to emphasize his decision to forgo CPR if his heart stops.

Medical tattoos don't appear to carry much legal weight. It's unclear whether an ambulance crew racing to treat a gravely ill patient could honor a request such as Friedlander's based on the tattoo alone.

Read more: http://www.ctvnews.ca/medical-tattoos-offer-important-health-information-1.774009#ixzz2O823deDi

turiya

[turiya]

Home Funerals - Tending to One's Own


Because the matter has been handed over to another entity - a business establishment, we, as a society of people, have become no longer involved... in the practice of home funeral.
Its again possible with the support of a compassionate & understanding funeral director....
The true funeral director that is serving the family, will also say, "And, by the way, you don't have to hire me, you can also perform this service yourself in your own home."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTRs5EEssLk

Home Sweet Home Funeral

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1k2HOp56YM

turiya

[turiya]

Bashar on Death

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rty5l41_NbU

turiya